Lots of thanks to Becky for the beta!
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Chapter 12----------------
“Is thine own heart to thine own face affected?
Can thy right hand seize love upon thy left?
Then woo thyself, be of thyself rejected;
Steal thine own freedom, and complain on theft.”
On his way home, while watching his own feet slowly taking steps, Justin couldn’t think of anything but his previous onstage experience with Brian, and it made him wonder how he would tell Ethan what he was about to say. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, in fact, it would be more than difficult, but he’d made his decision and he had no intention of changing his mind. It was the best opportunity; it was a ‘now or never’ situation so to speak.
He’d waited long enough for Ethan to change; he’d waited long enough for other people to make his life happy. And since his life didn’t seem to be a happy, or at least a comfortable one, he decided to stop waiting and start to take the reins. After meeting Brian, he knew exactly what he wanted and realized what his life could be like. And though he felt guilty, and he felt sorry for Ethan, it wasn’t enough for him to stay with his boyfriend. Besides, he hadn’t been fair to Ethan and it bothered him more than he’d thought.
Ethan would be furious, of course, but sooner or later he’d realize that it had been a good decision for both of them. Leaving a two year relationship behind is never an easy thing to do, but there’s no point in living in a worn-out relationship just because you’d gotten used to it. And even though Justin kept telling himself that Brian wasn’t the only reason he wanted to leave Ethan, he couldn’t stop thinking about what the man would say when he told him that he’d left his boyfriend.
The closer he got to the apartment, the more nervous he became; he wasn’t that sure of what to say anymore. Climbing up the stairs, he could feel his heart throbbing in his throat, but he told himself to calm down, to think about the reason why he was doing this in the first place. He closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath and opened the door with a very shaky hand.
“At last! I thought you’d never come home.”
He heard Ethan’s stern voice when he stepped inside. A part of Justin hoped that Ethan would be already sleeping when he arrived home, but obviously that wasn’t the case. On the other hand, if he would have been sleeping, Justin wouldn’t have the chance to do what he’d planned.
He looked at his watch and answered in the same tone,
“It’s not that late.”
“Well, it seemed like a lifetime to me.” Ethan walked slowly towards Justin with a sickeningly sweet smile on his face; the blond couldn’t help but think that he was no longer affected by it. He watched Ethan’s face blankly, unaware of what to say next. Ethan spoke again, “How’s your mother?”
“Huh?” Justin shook his head slightly, suddenly distracted from his thoughts.
“I’m asking about your mother. You met her this evening, didn’t you?” Ethan looked at Justin suspiciously, “Everything alright, Jus?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine.” Justin said quickly. He’d already forgotten that he’d said he was meeting his mom.
“You’re acting a bit weird, you know.” Ethan stepped up to Justin and embraced his slender waist slowly. Justin freed himself from Ethan’s arms and took a step back, never saying a word, just looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face. Ethan couldn’t keep his voice down any longer, “What’s wrong with you?”
“We need to talk.” Justin answered finally, his voice sounded threateningly calm.
“I didn’t stay up late for talking. You said you’d make it up to me later. And now, it’s later.” Ethan was getting impatient, Justin could clearly see it.
“No.” Answered the blond firmly. “You said that.”
“What the fuck is your problem?” Ethan burst out finally, unable to play it cool any more. This Justin was so different. This strangely confident and aggravatingly staid boy scared the shit out of him. He could feel that something was definitely not right. He wished he could read Justin’s mind, but since he didn’t seem to be capable of that he started looking for explanations. “It’s your mother, isn’t it?” He looked at the blond with his arms crossed.
“What?” Justin frowned, looking confused.
“Your mother. She’s always talking your head off. She must have said some shit about me. She just simply hates me.”
Hearing Ethan accusing his mother Justin raised his voice too,
“Oh. And why is that? Have you ever thought about it?”
“She doesn’t know me.” Ethan replied shortly.
“And do you know her?” Ethan opened his mouth, but Justin stopped him by holding one hand up, and went on, “You know what? Don’t answer, it doesn’t matter anyway. My mother has nothing to do with it.”
“Then who was it?”
A bitter smile appeared on the blond’s face as he said,
“That’s so typical of you.”
“What?”
“You’re always laying the blame on someone else. Have you ever thought of the fact that it’s actually you who made me pissed?” Ethan wanted to speak, but Justin didn’t let him. “No, because you’re so perfect.”
After a minute of uncomfortable silence Ethan said somewhat carefully,
“If I didn’t know you better Jus, I’d say you’re trying to provoke me.”
“That’s ridiculous.” Justin responded, though he had to admit that in a way Ethan was right. It would have been so much easier to leave him if the violinist would have said or done something unforgivable. He wouldn’t have to explain why he wanted to leave. Justin thought it was time to get to the point. The sooner he’d get over it, the better it would be. He sighed and said quietly,
“Look, I…” He stopped because he didn’t know how to say this, “I’m leaving.”
The last few words were hanging in the air for a minute; looked like Ethan didn’t really understand the meaning of them.
“You what?” He asked in disbelief, hoping he’d misheard something.
Justin nodded in response, speaking quietly,
“You heard me.”
Ethan stared at the blond for a couple of minutes, trying to understand what he’d just heard, then finally spoke,
“I see. And would you mind telling me why?” Ethan kept on blinking nervously, his voice almost frightening.
Justin didn’t want to tell Ethan about Brian. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t want to tell him that he’d found someone else, someone who actually knew what satisfaction meant. He didn’t want Brian to get involved in this shit; he wanted to keep his secret. So he simply said,
“I’m not happy with you anymore.”
Ethan laughed nervously,
“You know Jus, to tell the truth, I’m not really happy with you either lately. But running away is not a solution.”
“I’m not running away. I’m just leaving.” Justin answered with a shrug.
“But why? What did I do?”
“Well, it’s more of what you didn’t do.”
“What do you mean?” Ethan really looked furious now.
“Ethan. When was the last time we’ve actually talked about anything? When was the last time we’ve done something, anything together? Do you even know what I’m working on lately? You expect me to support you and your precious art, but you don’t really care about me. I’m not saying it’s all your fault. It’s mine too. Let’s face it Ethan, it’s not working anymore.”
Ethan suddenly started to clap his hands and said in a sarcastic tone,
“That was awesome Jus! An award-winning performance, congrats!”
Justin frowned; the violinist’s reaction surprised him,
“What do you mean?”
Ethan looked at the blond with a fake smile but his eyes didn’t smile at all,
“Come on, you think I’m an idiot? Be honest.”
Justin acted like he didn’t know what Ethan was referring to, though he knew very well what he had on his mind,
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Ethan didn’t take notice of this comment, so he asked matter-of-factly,
“Okay. Who is it?”
Justin felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach,
“What?”
Ethan smiled again,
“The guy you’re leaving me for.”
Justin tried to answer as casually as he could,
“There’s no one else.”
Ethan nodded to himself,
“You expect me to believe that?”
Justin shrugged in response,
“You know what? I don’t care what you believe.”
Justin walked to the closet and opened it. He pulled out a huge bag and started to gather his most important clothes and personal belongings.
Ethan watched him for a while, leaning against the door frame before saying in a smug voice,
“You’ll regret it.”
“I don’t think so.” Justin replied without looking up.
“Don’t expect me to take you back.” Ethan’s voice suddenly sounded shakier which surprised the blond but he didn’t say anything. Ethan had changed tactics obviously, because now he tried to sound emotional,
“I thought our relationship was more important to you than that. You can’t leave just like that.”
Justin finally looked up at Ethan and for the first time that evening he really felt guilty. His soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend looked hurt and helpless, but Justin knew he couldn’t change his mind at this point.
He stood up slowly, looked directly in Ethan’s eyes and said quietly,
“Let’s just say I need to take a little break. I need some time to be alone, to find out what it is that I really need. And I think you should do the same.”
Justin knew there was no way he’d come back to Ethan but he thought that at this moment this was the right thing to say.
“For how long?”
“I don’t know.” Was Justin’s answer.
“Where are you going?” Ethan asked, his voice almost inaudible. Justin didn’t know if it was a good idea to tell him but he thought Ethan had the right to know.
“I’m going to Daphne’s place.”
Ethan smiled and added bitterly,
“I bet she’ll be happy.”
Justin decided not to react to this, so he said,
“I’m coming back for the rest of my stuff in a few days.”
He grabbed the bag and headed toward the front door. Ethan nodded and opened it.
“Good luck.”
Ethan forced a weak smile on his face. Justin returned the smile and nodded, then turned around and left. He felt relieved, he’d thought it would be harder, but much to his surprise it had gone pretty well. Ethan wasn’t that bad after all; he understood him and let him do what he wanted.
Ethan watched Justin as he went down the stairs; his hurt expression disappeared as soon as the blond left the stairway. He didn’t understand Justin. He didn’t understand any of this shit at all. Though Justin didn’t admit it, he was sure that the blond had found someone else. That was why he hadn’t let Ethan touch him lately. He could clearly see that Justin was lying. And there was no goddamn way he’d let the boy get away with it that easily. No, this was not over yet.
Quote:
W. Shakespeare: Venus and Adonis
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