I post this chapter again, I hope everything is going to be ok now. :)
Thank you so much for the beta and the pics Becky! You're the best! :)
Chapter 14-----------
I know very well what some people might say about crying. That it shows weakness. That it means you can’t control yourself and you’re not strong enough to face your problems. They think it’s kind of a shame; especially when you’re a male. They say that crying doesn’t solve anything. Well, I don’t think so. In my experience crying can be very useful and it can help you a lot.
I know I’m a bit too sensitive and I probably cry a little more often than I should. I can’t help it. Every time I try to hold it back I feel like I’m going to explode or… I don’t know…I just know that I have to let it out before it chokes me. And I never feel embarrassed about it.
Unlike Brian. I’d never seen him cry. Okay, I’d witnessed some of his teary glances a few times – which he tried to hide, though not good enough. But I’d never seen him actually crying. I wondered if he even knew how to do that. I think he could have saved himself a lot of pain if only he would have let his emotions out that way.
Yesterday evening we were sitting on the couch, watching something on television, but weren’t really paying attention. We were just enjoying each other’s comfortable company as I rested my head on his shoulder. We’d been having a nice, peaceful evening – until we heard someone knocking on the loft door. Brian sighed and grumbled,
“Who the fuck is that?”
He stood up and headed to the door to open it. I didn’t take my eyes off of the television because I wasn’t too pleased to see anyone either. I hoped that our guest would leave soon so that I could spend my evening only with Brian. I heard the sound of the door then for a moment I didn’t hear anything. After a few seconds Brian spoke in his sarcastic tone,
“What a surprise.”
A nervous and somewhat stern female voice replied,
“Brian. I hope you don’t mind but… I’ve got to talk to you.”
I turned my head in the door’s direction and saw Brian’s mother stepping inside the loft, looking around suspiciously. Brian pulled the door closed pretty slowly and I could see how nervous he’d already gotten. Heavy tension filled the place all at once. I’d met her only once and it wasn’t a very pleasant memory but I didn’t want to be rude so I stood up and greeted her.
“Good evening Mrs. Kinney.”
She didn’t say anything just nodded shortly and turned to her son. Brian didn’t seem to like her response so he said,
“You remember Justin, don’t you?”
His mother looked pretty embarrassed and she obviously didn’t want to take notice of me. She said,
“We need to talk Brian.” Brian raised an eyebrow and his mother looked at me reluctantly, “Um…would you…”
Brian knew what she was about to say so he cut her off,
“He lives here. He’s not going anywhere.”
I didn’t want to increase the tension; I thought I’d take a little walk and leave them alone so I said,
“It’s okay Brian. No problem at all. I…”
“I want you to stay Justin.” Brian answered.
I nodded but then I sat back on the couch and left them standing at the kitchen counter. I didn’t think that his mother wanted me to hear their conversation. I wasn’t listening, but I could hear almost everything.
Brian’s mother lowered her voice and asked,
“Do you know what day it is Brian?”
“Thursday as far as I know.” He answered imperturbably.
“You know what I mean Brian. Don’t be so arrogant.”
“What do you want?” Brian was getting more and more impatient.
She sighed then said quietly,
“Your father died on this day of the year.”
“So what?”
“I thought you’d do him the honor of going to his grave this year. Since you’ve missed it in the previous years.”
“What for?”
“People do that you know. Parents should be respected.”
“Why the fuck should I respect someone who didn’t respect me; or anyone else for that matter?”
“Because he was your father Brian.”
“And that’s the only reason you can come up with.”
“You haven’t been to the cemetery since the funeral. Children have some obligations you know.”
“So do the parents. But he treated me like I was a piece of shit. And you were no better than him.”
For a moment it was dead silence then she said bitterly,
“I don’t know what I did wrong Brian. And I’m sorry if you think I wasn’t good enough for you.”
“A little more than nothing would have been good enough.”
She went on like she didn’t hear her son,
“But don’t you ever think that you were the most perfect son that a mother could hope for. And now…just look at you.”
I didn’t see them but I could feel her gaze on me. And she spoke again,
“Look what you’ve become…I’m ashamed of you and your ungodly life style. You’ll be punished Brian.”
“And you’re living the life that God appreciates. Want to drink something by the way?” I could feel that Brian was getting really angry.
“I’m not going to listen to this.” She raised her voice,” But let me tell you one thing. Your father may have hurt me a lot but you’ve hurt me even more. You’re worse than he was. I’d never thought I’d say something like this, but…my life could have been so much easier without…without a son like you.”
Dead silence again. I was really afraid of Brian doing something terrible, but he just asked in a loud and a voice that was a bit shaky,
“So what are you still doing here?”
His mother turned around and left. Brian slammed the door so forcefully that I can still hear the sound of it in my ear. I was about to say something calming but as he turned around I shut my mouth immediately. I don’t remember if I ever saw him so frighteningly explosive. Like a fucking time-bomb you want to defuse but you’re afraid to touch. I don’t think that there’s anyone who knows better than me how to handle Brian; but at that moment I was absolutely at my wits end. I didn’t know what to say or do. I know he would never hurt me on purpose but I could see that a wrong word or move could make him lose his mind and I decided not to be on the receiving end of his anger.
I felt so stupid I knew that I had to say something though.
“Brian…” I tried to say quietly but he cut me off by holding his hand up as he headed to the bathroom and shut the door behind himself. For a moment I thought about following him but then I changed my mind – he obviously needed some time to be alone; he made himself quite clear. I was hoping that maybe he just didn’t want me to see him in such a situation.
Suddenly the bathroom door opened and I watched him stepping outside. He didn’t look angry anymore; what I saw was even worse. His gorgeous face looked so vulnerable and helpless; it mirrored so much sorrow and pain. I’d never seen him like that before. In fact, I think no one has ever seen him like that. He looked like a sweet little boy who desperately needed someone to take care of him. I tried to figure out if he’d been crying but his eyes looked dry. I was a bit disappointed. If only he’d allow himself to let his feelings out, it would be so much easier for him to get over things like that. I know he always says that he doesn’t need his family and he doesn’t care about them, but he can’t fool me. That little boy who was standing in front of me definitely missed a caring and loving family. He looked like someone who doesn’t know what happy childhood means.
Brian was looking at me without a word. He opened his mouth slowly but then he shut it again. I decided not to wait anymore; I did what I thought would be the best. I stepped close to him and pulled him in a tight hug. He didn’t resist, just embraced me and laid his head on my shoulder. I could feel his heart beating and his body shaking lightly.
We were standing like that for a few minutes then he whispered in an almost inaudible voice,
“I don’t fucking need her.”
I nodded and said quietly,
“I know.”
I was stroking his back slowly and wondered who he was trying to convince – me or himself?
He reared his head and looked at me. I looked deep into his eyes and tried to find the answers for my questions. But all I could see was fear and insecurity. I could feel my heart break. I wanted to help him. I wanted to tell him that he’s not alone. That I want to give him everything his family didn’t give him. I wanted to show him how much I loved him.
I pulled his head close to mine slowly and kissed his mouth gently. Then I pulled away and watched his beautiful face, his eyes were still closed. I kissed his eyes lightly and he pulled me even closer. God, I could feel how much he needed me. He was hanging on me so strongly like he could fall at any minute. I wanted to be everything for him at that moment. I felt so very protective like I’d never felt before.
I kissed him again, a bit longer this time while stroking him. When I broke the kiss he was looking at me with pure trust. My careful and gentle touches seemed to be working; I was a bit relieved – knowing that I was on the right track. I wanted to make him feel better; wanted to make him forget about everything so I started to pull him toward the bedroom.
He followed me slowly, never saying a word. Words seemed to be unnecessary anyway. We took the bedroom stairs and I pushed him gently on the bed so he was lying on his back. I straddled him and started to unbutton his shirt slowly while covering his bare chest with tender kisses. I wanted to make his pain go away; I wanted him to know that I was there for him.
He sighed quietly and arched his back a bit so that I could take his shirt off. I could feel his fingers playing with my hair as I was kissing his neck. This was all about him. Okay, I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it, but all that mattered at that moment was giving him all the love he deserved. And that’s quite a lot, let me tell you.
As I was pulling his pants down I realized that I could do anything to him. He gave himself to me completely, letting me taking control. That was something rarely given. I mean, I know that sometimes he likes it when I’m in charge, but I’ve never seen him so vulnerable before. And though I’m always thrilled to top Brian I didn’t know if that was what he really wanted or needed then. I didn’t want to get him in an even worse mood or take advantage of him. And since he remained silent I thought he would tell me what he really needed in other ways, and I was right.
I took all his clothes off and I got naked too. My hands were roaming his smooth body as my mouth found his cock and started to lick it slowly. He was tugging at my hair lightly as I licked and sucked on his hard member. I took my time; I wanted him to last as long as possible so that I could build up as much pleasure as I can. His soft moans were ringing in my ear and I could feel his body warming up as his climax was approaching.
He came intensely and I felt his sweet taste on my tongue as I was saving every little drop. I was kissing my way up his body to reach his mouth. He held my head in his hands for a second and watched my face intently then pulled me down and let me share his own taste with him.
There was something so very strange about him last night. I mean he’s a really attentive lover but yesterday he was caressing and kissing me like it was the last time he could do it. He scared me and I wanted to know what he expected me to do. I broke the kiss and stared at his face. And I saw something there I’d never seen before. His cheeks were glistening in the dim lights of the bedroom. At first I thought it was just sweat but his red eyes betrayed him. I guess he didn’t want me to see it so I acted like I hadn’t seen it. But it was incredible to see him like that.
Don’t get me wrong I hate to see him suffer, but him giving rein to his emotions is a big step forward. Before I could even think about what my next move would be he gently pushed me away. I thought that maybe I’d done something wrong but he didn’t give me time to ask anything because I saw him rolling over slowly underneath me. All my questions had been answered in a second; I can’t tell you how this made me feel.
It meant that the only thing he needed at that moment was me being inside of him. That is the most precious thing he’d ever give someone. Anyone who knows Brian would agree with me on this one. I’ve never told anyone that Brian bottoms for me sometimes anyway, but this is something I will definitely keep a secret. No one has ever trusted me so much; no one has ever let me so close. And it’s more than just fucking, that goes without saying. In fact, it’s not really about fucking.
I was staring down at Brian to see if he’d changed his mind but he didn’t move. All I could see was a small teardrop rolling down his face; I watched it for a second as it was leaving a tiny wet spot on the pillow. I started to place soft little kisses on his shoulders and down his spine. When my mouth reached his ass I gently pulled his cheeks apart. I heard a small gasp from Brian as I began to lick around his hole. His moans became louder as I drove my tongue deeper. I could feel how tense he was and I tried to do my best to ease him.
I was rimming him for a few minutes and felt him relaxing a bit then I pulled away and reached for a condom. I quickly ripped the wrapper open and put the latex on my cock. As I reached out for the lube Brian grabbed my hand and stopped me. I looked at him and he nodded. I grabbed his hips carefully and positioned my cock at his entrance.
I pushed in slowly but firmly. His muscles tensed for a moment and I waited until he adjusted. I leaned over him gently and started to kiss his face and neck as I pushed in again and again. Soft moans and little sniffles filled my ears, and I pulled myself as close to him as I could. Our fingers were entwined and he pushed back with more and more determination as he could feel his climax approaching; I reached down and started to stroke his erection slowly.
Seeing him getting close because of the pleasures I was giving him almost made me come instantly. After a few more thrusts he came with a loud grunt and I followed him shortly after that. When I started to pull out of him he grabbed my hips and pulled me back inside. Words can’t express what this meant to me. It was the most beautiful declaration of his emotions. We were lying like that for quite a long time. It was so intimate and peaceful. Brian really needed some time to get over his feelings and the fact that he’d actually let me see him like this. It was something new to him too.
He’s got so much more to learn about the healing power of tears.
Later then,
“J”
Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing! I wish a very Happy New Year to all of you! :)