Thank you so much for the beta, Becky!!! And thanks for the idea Helen, I hope you like it! Chapter 4-------------- There are some special things that I don’t tell anyone. Not even Brian. It’s not because I don’t trust him – there is no one in the whole world I trust more. It’s more because I don’t want him to worry about me. Or to suffer because of me for that matter. He has already done so much more for me than anyone else ever had. I will never be able to repay him. I don’t want to hurt him. There’s one certain thing we’ve never talked about, and we’re still avoiding the subject. And that’s my former relationship with Ethan. The biggest mistake of my life. But we all have to learn our lessons. Well, I certainly passed with honors. Why do I mention Ethan? Because I just saw him this morning. It really was strange; like it was someone else and not me who had been his boyfriend not so long ago. He didn’t look much different though. It’s me who’s different now. I was walking down the street when I heard it. I stopped immediately. I felt like I had been hit in the stomach. The sound of fake hopes. Violin music. I turned my head in the direction where the music was coming from. Then I saw him. He was standing at the corner, and his arms were holding his true love – his violin. He was playing with so much passion – the way he was playing when I believed that his passion could be shared with me. A few people surrounded him and they were listening with awe. He’s a unique artist; there is no doubt about it. First I was surprised to see him playing on the street again. Then I remembered that I had read an article about him in some magazine a few months ago. It said that his contract had been terminated by his manager. The manager said that although Ethan Gold has exceptional talent, his arrogant and disobedient personality makes it impossible for him to become a professional performer. According to Ethan’s opinion it was just a weak excuse. He said the reason had been the fact that he was gay and he had refused to keep it a secret anymore. There was a picture of him with his current boyfriend. The boy looked slim, he had blond hair with blue eyes and smiled in a friendly way…he definitely reminded me of someone… There were some pretty interesting parts in that interview. Quote: “I’ve lost my love once because of suppressing my real personality and I’m not going to make the same mistake again.” Gee, what a confession. I would almost fall for it if I didn’t know better. Too bad, he’s wrong. The reason for me leaving him has nothing to do with the fact that he had been hiding his personality in public; I left him because he lied to me and cheated on me. Anyway, his contract had been terminated and all the other publishers were turning their backs on him. No one wanted to work with such a hot-tempered and narcissistic person. There are many other artists who are willing to cooperate. Why I hadn’t noticed his real character sooner is a mystery to me. So, he’s back on the streets again and the only thing he can hope for is that he’ll be discovered again. I wish him luck wholeheartedly. It’s so sad to see him like this. Although he was an asshole with me, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like a whore. Or a beggar. His art is more valuable than that. I watched him playing for a while then I turned around and headed the opposite direction. I didn’t want him to see me. That would have been quite embarrassing. More embarrassing for him than for me actually. I’m sure he wouldn’t want me see him like this. He’s been on my mind since I saw him in the morning. It’s not that I missed him or still love him. He just brought some strange memories back. My relationship with Ethan was so different from the former one I had with Brian. Though it would seem that I had left Brian easily, the truth is that it was almost impossible to forget about him. Ethan tried very hard to make me forget – and sometimes I thought that he succeeded. But it never lasted too long. Especially when it came to sex. Sexuality was a very important part of my non-relationship with Brian. We were fucking all the time, (and still doing it, thank God), therefore we’d developed it almost to perfection. We knew each other’s body so well; we needed no words to get what we desired. With Ethan, well it was different. I’m not saying that I hadn’t enjoyed having sex with him, but it was not the kind of satisfaction that I was used to. And we didn’t have it as often as I had with Brian. At first I tried to convince myself that romance was more important than sexuality. I almost believed it. Then I found myself jerking off more often, and I had to admit that I definitely missed something. And when I dreamt almost every night about Brian fucking me, I became quite sure about that. At the beginning Ethan fucked me a few times but it was never really satisfying - no matter how hard he tried. It was just not right. I was taught by the best and I was used to that standard. There’s no way anyone could surpass Brian. And I hated to admit it. And I hated Brian for being so fucking great. I decided to go for more topping – that way it was easier to avoid the constant comparison. Ethan was surprised at first, but he didn’t really mind and after a few rounds he was the one who craved it. So we became used to those roles. But it’s not only the sex I’m talking about. It’s more than that. I understood Brian without him saying a single word. And I couldn’t really understand Ethan even if he was talking to me the whole time. Sometimes I just wished for being laid in peaceful silence with my lover; the way I used to do it with Brian. I was getting more and more aware of the fact that I missed Brian like hell. Though I was very angry with him for convincing Ethan to sign that contract – I felt like I had been betrayed. And seeing Ethan flirting with that dribbling fan didn’t help either. And the day I realized that this dribbling fan got fucked by my faithful boyfriend I decided to end it. I was very surprised, but I felt relieved. I was disappointed and hurt, but by the time I had finished my little drama-scene, I realized something. I realized that I was just looking for an excuse to leave Ethan. That if I really had loved him I wouldn’t have left him so easily. I would have given him a second chance or something. But I didn’t do that, because I didn’t want to. I guess it was just the idea of romance I fell in love with. And maybe he wasn’t really in love with me either. I was just a worn-out muse for him. Though it was quite easy to shut his door behind me on that certain day, I knew he wouldn’t let me go away just like that. He was more selfish than that. After we had split up I moved to Daphne’s. I will always be thankful to her for sharing her apartment with me. She is a real friend. She was very discreet and didn’t ask anything about Ethan, but I told her everything anyway. She didn’t give comments on my miserable situation, but I knew very well what she thought. She was struggling with herself to keep her mouth shut and not saying a big “I told you so”. Ethan called me every day and tried to win me back. Sometimes he was crying and tried to make me feel sorry for him. It didn’t work. Sometimes he tried to make me jealous or tried to convince me that I would regret my decision. I always hung up. After a while he tried to catch me at PIFA and pull me in a small corner because he wanted to talk to me. I always got rid of him. I thought he would leave me alone sooner or later. Unfortunately, it was later. I still don’t know how he had found out where I lived, but he found me. If I had ever told Brian what Ethan wanted to do to me, I guess the violin virtuoso would be dead by now. In fact, it’s a story I’ve never told anyone. I almost completely forgot about him. I was so lost in the pleasure of being with Brian again, I couldn’t really think about anything else. One night Daphne went to a party. She wanted me to go with her since Brian had to leave the Pitts for two days to participate in a meeting. I was not in the mood, so I decided to stay at the apartment. A few minutes after Daphne had left I heard someone knocking on the door. I thought Daphne had forgotten something and I went to the door to open it. I don’t know why I thought that it was her – she probably would have used her key. When I opened the door I was shocked. Ethan stood in front of me. I swear he was waiting outside for Daphne to leave so he could find me alone. I just stared at him for a few seconds, and finally I managed to say: “What the fuck are you doing here?” As he looked back at me I saw him smile in a dreadful way. I realized that he was totally drunk. He was gazing at me like a hunter who finally had caught the most precious prey. “Why, it’s not a very nice way of saying….hi…” The scent of cheap whisky hit me in the face and he just kept on smiling. “What did you expect?” I asked him nervously. I felt my fingers tapping on the door. “Well, actually….” He started as he stepped forward to come inside. I couldn’t do anything. I know I should have pushed him out the door but I was petrified. I was just standing there and watch him close the door. He stepped forward and I stepped back. “I expected a little friendlier welcome…” He was staggering along in my way. “What do you mean?” I asked in disbelief. “Well…” He said with that disgusting smile on his face, “I haven’t had a proper blowjob since you left.” “Ethan, you’re drunk. I think you should…” I started carefully and then he exploded. “What?? What should I do? Tell me what I should do, since you’re so good at it!” I jumped back and started to walk slowly towards the door. He was coming behind me. “Hey, stop!” He shouted, “I want to talk to you!” I reached for the door handle but he grabbed my hand and held it firmly. “But I don’t want to talk.” I said quietly. “Ok then. We’ll do something else.” His weird smile scared the shit out of me. Before I knew it, he shoved my back to the door and held me there tightly. I tried to free myself but he was stronger than me. It really surprised me because I’d never been aware of his strength. Or maybe it was just the effect of the large amount of whisky he’d consumed. “I want you to leave.” I tried again. “Yeah, right. Why did you let me in then?” Well, I asked myself the same question. “Ethan, let me go.” My voice sounded so weak and he definitely liked that. “No, I have other plans. Trust me. You’ll like it.” He whispered. He definitely got turned on. Oh my God. I decided to change my tactics. I tried to make him feel sorry for me. “Release my hand…it hurts…please.” I begged him. “No. We’ll play a little rough this time. We’ve never done that before. You like that, don’t you?” He was pressing me even more. Then he leaned forward and growled in my ear, “You don’t have to answer. I saw you with him. I saw him fucking your brains out in the backroom of Babylon. Yeah, I went there because I wanted to see you again. But I definitely didn’t expect something like that. So, you’re back together again, huh?” I couldn’t say a word, just nodded slowly. “Well, in that case I need a consolation prize.” He grabbed my bulge and pressed it hard. It was not the kind of pain I liked. I wanted to get free but I didn’t know how to do that. Speaking drove me nowhere that was for sure. I thought that maybe I should scream, but I didn’t want to look like some kind of pathetic pussy who can’t defend himself. He forced my hand to rub his hard-on. He was wheezing in my ear and touching me everywhere he could. And he was doing it rough. And I didn’t like that a bit. I was sure I would have bruises next day. Not to mention that disgusting breath he covered my face with. When he tried to pull my pants down I gained a little more space to move. Without even thinking about it I pushed him off of me so forcefully that he landed on the floor and bashed his head. At first he didn’t move. I got so fucking scared that maybe I had really hurt him. When I saw him moving slowly I grabbed the door handle and opened the door. He stood up carefully while he was rubbing his head. “That was a nice one, Jus.” He told me. At least he looked much more sober. I stepped away as he was approaching the door. “Don’t expect me to feel sorry for you” I said, “I told you to leave me alone.” “You made it quite clear.” He answered with a bitter smile, “But as an ex-boyfriend I think I have the right to ask you a last question…” “And what would that be?” I asked but I was sure I was not going to like that question. He stepped out the door and turned around to look me in the eye. “Why is it that you’ve run back to him? Is it that you can’t live on your own, or is it because…because you really love him?” “Well, I could live on my own…” Was my noncommittal answer. He smiled even more bitterly. “Why is he so special?” He asked but I didn’t respond. “You know, it’s no surprise you love him. And you loved him while you were living with me.” I opened my mouth to say something like “No, it’s not true” but he cut me off. “Don’t even try to deny it. It was pretty obvious. You don’t know about it, but sometimes you called his name while you were sleeping. It fucking hurt me but I didn’t want to lose you. Well, I fucked it up.” I knew I had lots of dreams about Brian but saying his name aloud…well, I got very embarrassed. I felt myself blushing. “Don’t worry about that, Jus. It’s ok. I’m going to leave now. And don’t be afraid. I will never harass you again. Sorry about that.” Suddenly he turned around and disappeared. I didn’t have time to say something. I didn’t know what to say anyway. That was the last time I saw him. Till this morning. It was pretty strange to relive these memories. I think it was a good thing to have Ethan in my life. It helped me to face my feelings. It made me realize who I really loved and what things were really important. Not flowers and sweet words. Not candlelight and violin music. It’s when you know that you’re taken care of and you are loved unconditionally. When you can entrust your life to someone and that person would do the same to you without a word. This is what love is about. So I think I’m thankful to Ethan for helping me to find my true love. Oh, I hear my true love arriving home. He will kick me in the ass if he finds me writing a diary. I have to go now, “J” End of Chapter------------ Well, guys, I'm going to go for vacation in a couple of days, so I won't be able to update for a while. But as soon as get back I'll write a new chapter. Till then, thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing!