~*~

Brian stomped angrily into his room, finding Michael lying on his bed, feet crossed with his hands cradled behind his head. The sight did nothing more than piss him off.

“Who gave you the fucking right?” he demanded, hovering over the foot of the bed, blatantly ignoring Michael’s nakedness. “What the fuck was all that about?”

“All what?” Michael asked, leisurely running his fingers over his stomach.

Brian was quiet for a minute, trying to get a grip on his anger, and then said, “You were just supposed to walk through the fucking door.  I didn’t tell you to get into a pissing contest with him!”

“So you got a bonus,” Michael answered smugly. 

Brian’s fists clenched at his sides, the anger seeping out in waves. “You stupid fuck.”

Michael sat up cautiously, realizing just how upset Brian was and frowned. “I’m not the one who fucked him.”

Brian began pacing back and forth, side to side across the room, anything to keep him from hitting Michael, which was exactly what he wanted to do. “You need to learn when to keep your mouth shut!”

“And you need to learn to keep your dick to yourself,” Michael bit back.

Brian stopped his pacing and eyed Michael furiously with a raised eyebrow, giving a genuine look of astonishment. “That right?” He gestured to Michael’s naked body and shrugged. “That’s why you’re bare-assed on my bed? Because you weren’t expecting me to fuck you?”

“Damn it, Brian!” Michael yelled, sitting up against the headboard. He shook his head and slid to the edge of the bed, reaching for his clothes. “This doesn’t have anything to do with us!”

“The fuck it doesn’t.”

Michael stood up, pulling his jeans on and turned back around to face Brian. “No. Because I’m not insane enough to think you could ever be anything more than a good fuck. Justin’s naïve, or he’s just not that smart.”

“And you just <I>had</I> to share your opinion...”

“Well, yeah. If he actually thinks you give a damn about him, he's stupid! Either that, or you must have done one hell of a head job on him.” Michael walked slowly over to where Brian was standing, trying to stay in a position of dominance, but deflated slightly once he got there. His arms reached out and his hands locked around the back of Brian’s neck, surprised when Brian flinched at his touch. “Is that what you did, Brian? Did you make him believe he meant something?” He paused, and then added, “Did you tell him you love him?”

“Not in the mood for your fucking games, Michael,” Brian spat back, shoving Michael’s hands off his shoulders.

“I’m not playing games and you didn’t answer me.” He glared, watching for any sign of contempt, but when Brian didn’t answer, Michael stepped back, crossing his arms in front of him. “Unless…” He chewed his lip and then nodded. “Huh.”

He turned around and walked over to the chair in the corner, grabbing his shirt, sliding his arms through the sleeves. Once it was buttoned, he spun back around. “You’re an idiot, Brian.”

“What?”

“That’s why you’re so pissed off at me. I hurt poor little Justin’s feelings, assuming you’d just used him like you use everyone else. But that’s not what happened, is it?”

Brian glared, but remained silent.

Michael shook his head, walking over to the door. “You’re in deep and you don’t know what to do about it! If this is the way you treat someone you love, I’m pretty damn lucky all I ever was to you was an ass to fuck.”

Brian’s jaw clenched and he was about to argue, but found himself in unfamiliar territory. For once, as much as he hated to admit it, Michael was right. 

“See ya round, Brian.”

Michael disappeared through the door, leaving Brian with nothing but a huge bucket of guilt. It had been ridiculous to think he could actually let Justin believe it hadn’t meant anything to him. He at least owed him enough to explain his feelings, even if it didn’t change anything between them. Justin deserved to know why Brian was pushing him away.

He took a deep breath, gathering the courage to face Justin after the things he’d said and the way he’d treated him. Leaving his room, he slowly walked down the hall, stopping in front of Justin’s door. It was time to lay it all out in the open.

He knocked and waited. “Justin, I know you’re pissed but we need to talk.”

There was no answer, so he knocked again, a little louder. “C’mon, Sunshine. I think things’ll be better when you hear me say what an ass I am.” 

Brian listened, worried when he didn’t hear any sound. He tried the knob and turned, pushing the door open to an empty room. His stomach twisted, knowing right away that he was alone in the apartment. “Great,” he muttered. Now, when he had the nerve to say the things that needed to be said, Justin wasn’t there to talk to. He was afraid, given enough time, he’d lose the courage to say it. 

He sighed, knowing all that was left for him to do was wait for Justin to come home. Moving into the kitchen, he opened the refrigerator to grab a beer and saw the note, written in Justin’s handwriting once he closed the door. Not wanting to read it, but knowing he had to, he sat down at the small table, popped open the can and began.

<i>Brian,

I never thought it would come to this. 

Years ago, even when I realized the feelings I had for you were more than what they should have been, I convinced myself I could handle it. I sat back and watched you fucking with all those other guys, so damn jealous I couldn’t see straight. And you know what? You never even noticed, and that hurts more than what happened last night ever could. 

So now, I’m sitting here while you’re probably fucking Michael, feeling sorry for myself, wondering what’s wrong with me. I can’t handle it, Brian. As much as I’ve tried, I can’t handle being around you every single day, wanting you and hating myself for it. 

God, I was so stupid, actually thinking you could care about me. I suppose I could have been anyone. Like you said, Brian… we were drunk, we were horny and we got off. You know, I’m really sorry you feel that way, but it kind of put things in perspective for me. I love you. I can say it now because after the fool I made of myself, I guess it’s really not a secret anymore.

I’ve loved you for such a long time, I was delusional to think that last night would be the start of something more. I actually forgot for a while that Brian Kinney doesn’t need anything past his own satisfaction. I’ve put up with so much fucking shit because I had this stupid idea that one day, you’d wake up and see me. Really see me, the way I see you. I wanted to believe so much that I was more than just a fuck. What happened today proved to me that I’ll never be good enough for you. I don’t know what it takes, or if you’re even capable of loving someone and I’m done trying to find out. 

I want you out of my life, Brian.  I need to give myself a chance to be happy and leaving seems like a good first step in making that happen.  I’ll be back for my things when I figure out exactly where I’m going. I’ll make sure you’re not here. 
 
Justin
 
By the way, you were right about one thing. Never fuck your best friend. It does change everything.</i>

 

Brian read the letter twice through, before calmly folding it up and sliding it into his back pocket. He felt numb, his entire body slumping forward when he realized what he’d done. Justin was gone. He’d pushed him too far and now it was too late to fix anything. He sat alone, finishing his beer, contemplating the worst mistake of his life.