~*~
It had been two days. Two days since he’d walked out of his home and the life he shared with Simon. He hadn’t talked to anyone about the break up. Not his parents, not the couple of people in his theater group he considered close friends… not even Gale. Talking about it would mean that he’d have to admit it was really happening. Not that the arguments with Simon over the past couple of days weren’t enough to convince him, but involving someone else… that would make it final.
He knew he should have been relieved that it was over. This was his choice. He was the one who made the decision. He was the one who was unhappy enough with the relationship to begin seeing someone else. But right now, relief wasn’t at all what he was feeling. He wouldn’t describe himself as anything but numb.
He didn’t know why he hadn’t called Gale right away. Anyone else would have. Why wasn’t he excited about the prospect of not having to sneak around anymore? Of being able to spend as much time with Gale as he wanted without having to worry that Simon would find out. Isn’t that what he should want? Maybe when this numbness, this feeling of uncertainty about his life wore off, maybe then he would know what to do. Maybe tomorrow when he was standing face to face with Gale, it would all sink in. Maybe.
Right now, he had other things to worry about. Sitting on the subway, heading toward Chelsea to sign for an apartment he was going to sublet for the next month or two, he watched the other passengers, wondering how many of their lives were as fucked up as his felt. He was curious how many of them had ever argued over four years of shared possessions.
There was the apartment, for one. That was the big decision. Bought together, it didn’t seem right for either of them to keep it, though he supposed since he was doing the walking, Simon had every right. Custody of the cats had warranted two hours on the phone, ending with Simon screaming about Gale and Randy giving up the fight because he just couldn’t handle the anger and accusations. In fact, all the arguments seemed to lead to Gale and maybe that was the real reason Randy hadn’t called him. With all the other problems in their relationship, Simon almost had him convinced that nothing else meant anything. The only thing that mattered was that Randy had fucked Gale. The reasons why were pushed to the backburner. Simon didn’t care to know why so Randy wasn’t supposed to try to explain.
~*~
“You look like shit.”
Randy gripped the pillow tighter and kept his focus on Gale through the haze of alcohol he’d consumed. He knew he looked like shit, but at least Gale was honest about it. Honesty was such an important trait. He almost laughed, realizing he wasn’t going to be winning any humanitarian awards for nobleness. He wondered how long he’d have to carry his scarlet letter around before his guilt would dissolve.
The bottle found Randy’s lips and he drained the last of the beer in his hand. Gale shook his head and sat down on the coffee table, facing him. “What the fuck is going on?”
Randy laughed. Not just a small chuckle, but a deep, frantic ‘I don’t know what the fuck is going on’ kind of laugh. “I need another beer,” he managed, falling short and stumbling back down when he tried to stand up.
“You stay. I’ll get it, and then you’re gonna tell me why you’re a fucking fall down mess.”
Randy slumped back on the sofa and closed his eyes, changed his mind, opening them again when the room started spinning and waited for Gale to come back. The last thing he wanted to do right now was to explain his emotional state.
“Here,” Gale said, handing over another bottle. “Now what’s up?”
“You’re not a cat person, are you?”
Gale sat back down, confused. “What?”
“But maybe that wouldn’t matter if you were pissed enough. Maybe you’d become a cat person just to be spiteful.”
“Randy?”
“Because people never really know each other. You know that? You think you do, but when it comes down to it, it’s all bullshit. You only know what the other person wants you to see.”
“Okay, back up. What are we talking about?”
Randy leaned forward and then slid down onto the floor on his knees, letting his head rest on Gale’s thigh. “I’m sorry I ignored your calls.”
Sliding his fingers into Randy’s hair, Gale began to stroke his scalp gently, trying to figure out what exactly they were supposed to be talking about. “Well I shouldn’t have left the way I did. You needed me to listen, to be a friend and I was too busy being selfish to realize it wasn’t about me.”
Randy shook his head, about to argue, but Gale wasn’t about to let that happen. “It’s your life we’re talking about. Whatever you’ve decided, whatever you told Simon, I’ll deal with it.”
Randy’s head rose and he found Gale’s eyes. “But what if…”
“Not right now. I don’t want to talk about Simon, or how bad I fucked up… or anything besides how much I’ve hated not being able to talk to you the last few weeks.”
Gale gave Randy a slight push backward, giving him room to slide down on the floor next to him. “Whatever else you need to tell me can wait.” Especially since he was fairly sure it involved commitment and goodbyes. There was nothing else he could think of that would have put Randy in this kind of mood. He leaned in, sliding their lips together until he felt Randy relax and deepen the kiss. This was what they needed. He didn’t know how long they had, or if this would be the last time, but for now, being close to Randy, holding him, touching him… he could pretend that everything else was all right. That Randy wasn’t about to crumble his entire world.
But first thing was first. Pulling back slightly, Gale pushed his hand through Randy’s bangs, making sure he had his attention. Not knowing how inebriated he actually was, he didn’t want to do something else he might regret later. “Is this okay? Is this what you want?”
Randy was already gripping him, reaching for his lips again. “God, Gale. You don’t know how much I need this.” To feel connected, to feel loved. “I’m not too far gone to know how bad I want you to fuck me.”
It was all he needed to hear. Gale realized they’d never make it into the other room, so he pulled a blanket off the sofa and spread it out, urging Randy onto his back. He left only for the essential supplies, quickly returning to resume ravishing plump, swollen lips. Lost in kisses, they took their time exploring as they undressed, ignoring Randy’s cell phone and then Gale’s when it rang a few minutes later. The outside world would have to wait for a little while.
Their only focus was the slide of their bodies, the slow, hungry fuck and the feeling of content that came afterward. Right now, it was enough for both of them.
Eventually, they did end up in the bedroom after the first round left Randy with a sore coccyx and a fit of giggles before the alcohol began to wear off. When Gale threatened to stop mid-fuck, Randy quickly suggested the change of scenery and dragged them both to the comfort of the bed where he was rewarded graciously… many times.
~*~
Sated, lying wrapped around each other, Gale was relieved at Randy’s improved mood. He knew they needed to talk, but if he could avoid it for even a little while longer, he would. Anything to make this feeling last. He glanced out the darkened window and then at the clock.
“How long do we have?”
Randy shrugged and closed his eyes. “I don’t have to be anywhere.”
Gale let himself imagine never having to ask that question again. “Sorry. Just didn’t know if…”
“If I had to go home?” Randy only half-smiled when he said, “No. I can stay.”
But there was something else. Something lingering under the reply that Gale couldn’t figure out. As much as he wanted to pretend everything was all right, he couldn’t. He hesitated, “So are you gonna finally tell me what’s wrong?”
Randy pulled away, scooting up against the headboard. It really shouldn’t be this hard. In fact, it really shouldn’t be hard at all. But it was. “Couldn’t we just fuck again?”
Gale smiled. “We could… but something tells me you need to talk more.” He slid off the bed and turned back around to Randy. “I’ve been waiting for a call all day. Let me go check my messages, grab us something to drink and I’ll be right back, okay?”
Randy nodded, although he’d really rather just fuck.
It took Gale longer than it should have and Randy was almost ready to go looking for him when he finally came back in. Holding a cigarette in one hand and his phone in the other, his lip curled inward as he stared down at Randy. “You want to tell me why Simon’s calling me, looking for you?”