Justin’s POV Fuck. One stupid mistake and my roller coaster ride with Brian was over. Just like that. Welcome back to the real world Sunshine. I was lying on the bed in the room which I was currently not so pleased to call home, hands under my head staring at the ceiling. There was nothing wrong with Deb and Vic was ok, but I didn’t want to live with them and sleep in Michael’s old room. I wanted to be with Brian. I wanted things the way they were. That thought made me sigh. Idiot, that’s what I am. A total fucking idiot. Things could no more go back the way they were between Brian and I than they could between me and my Dad. And in both cases it was my goddamn fault and now I’d been banished from two homes. I was doubtful I could get any more fucked up. I still didn’t understand how I had left the loft unlocked. Brian was so paranoid about it that I hardly dared moved away from the door without checking the thing fifty times. I was sure I had locked it. I was positive I had locked it, but I couldn’t remember doing it. I couldn’t remember not doing it. Whatever, someone had gotten in and stolen damn near everything Brian had to his name. Christ 16 Armani suits; who the fuck had stuff like that in their house? I rolled onto my stomach and buried my face in the pillow. Brian did that’s who; every thing he fucking owned…I cringed…had owned…was some damn Italian designer or another. Fuck. I was so goddamn stupid. How long could it have taken to secure the damn loft? What had I been thinking about, seeing my mommy? I was worse than stupid, I was a goddamn pussy. The alarm was off when Brian got there, the only thing that could mean was that some asshole, namely me, had never turned it on and some faggot had gone in there and cleaned us out. Oh, yeah all my stuff might have been there but that asshole had stolen something a lot more important than stuff from me. Somehow, since coming home from New York, I had been transformed into that kid that works at the diner. I didn’t fucking like it; not one little bit. For a little while, after he first found me in New York, I had let myself believe that everything was gong to be ok, that we could just go back to Pittsburgh and things would go back to how they had been. Ok, yeah he had kicked me out in a huge fit of rage, but he had come to get me too and not just because I had his fucking credit card. A call to the company would have made sure that I didn’t buy anything after I got off that freaking plane. There had been no other reason for him to show up outside my hotel, alone, unless he cared about me somewhere down in that walled off heart of his. The whole thing now had the weird feel of a dream; beginning with my arrival at the loft to find out about the robbery and ending with me sitting at Deb’s table listening to my newest list of rules, although that part was fucking real enough. When I had returned to the loft that afternoon to find Brian standing dazed and shell shocked in the middle of his ransacked apartment, his first reaction had been strange. He had grabbed me and I thought for one crazy second he was going to pull me into his arms and overriding the anger in his eyes had been relief. “Christ, Justin.” He had muttered but instead of pulling me to him, he had let my arm go and I watched the shift from fear to anger contort his face. Brian’s rage born of extreme emotion. He had been afraid and now he was pissed off. I was still confused. I didn’t know what had scared him so much or why it was making his anger so hot, but by the time Michael showed up he had been beyond reason and I had found myself in the street. Despite all of it he had come after me. He had not sent my mom and dad, he had not called the police and when he knocked on the door to that New York hotel he had been alone. I said that he didn’t want me, but what happened after that had proved beyond any doubt that even if he didn’t love me, Brian still wanted me. He had fucked me like I was the last fuck he was ever going to get. He had fucked me with something that had seemed almost like desperation and in the brief interlude that had followed, I had allowed myself to believe that he had at last admitted to himself that he cared about me. I gave him a blow job in the shower and he had checked me out of the hotel and we had gone to find Michael and the others. They had been pissed off, because they wanted to stay the night but Brian just told them to shut the fuck up and get in the jeep. I had been feeling pretty smug right up until he told me to get in the back. I had ridden the five something hours smashed between an unhappy Ted and Emmett and Michael rode shotgun, in the seat I had come to think of as mine. Brian had spent the entire ride on the phone with Deb and had never looked at me not even once. It had been as if I had suddenly stopped existing for him. It had been a long ride and only by clinging grimly to my pride had I made it there with any of my dignity intact. They had worked it all out like I was a fucking kid. I was going to live at Deb’s, sleep in Mikey’s old room and work at the diner busing tables until I could pay Brian back. I had figured out that would be when I was fucking 90 considering what they paid. “You’ll pay me $30.00 a week.” He told me, generous Brian was not even going to make me give him all my pay. What the fuck did I care about that? The one thing I really wanted now seemed to be completely out of my reach and for the first time I felt doubt creeping in. Maybe he really didn’t want me anymore. I remembered the hotel. The way he had almost clutched me, the manic kisses, the way he had tried to pound me through the mattress and I began to wonder if how I saw what happened was completely wrong. Maybe it hadn’t been desperation or nearly panicked relief that he had fucked me with, maybe he had been saying good bye. Tears stung my eyes and threatened to escape. I forced them back. I would not cry for him. If he didn’t want me fuck him, plenty of guys did. The memory of his eyes and his touch haunted me. Plenty of guys were not Brian and in spite of my determination the tears came. I don’t know how long I laid there mourning the loss of the fragile situation I had shared with Brian, even now I didn’t have the nerve to call it a relationship. It looked like whatever it had been it was over now. I remembered what it had been like kissing him, making love to him and my cock ached. I rolled back over. My eyes dry now though my cheeks were slightly damp. God what lesbian he would think I was if he saw me laying here bawling over him. One hand idly rubbed my dick through my jeans. Christ I was hard. Suddenly through the door came the sound of Deb’s voice berating Vic for something. I jerked my hand away from my crotch. Fuck. I really was turning into Michael. Lying on his bed listening to the sound of his home, ready to jerk off to a fantasy of Brian. Well fuck that. I got up and headed for the bathroom to take a piss and wash my face. I would be damned if I would turn into a fucking pathetic faggot mooning after Brain Kinney. I had to be to work in an hour and if I left now I could walk there in plenty of time. If Brian didn’t want me that was fucking fine. I had little doubt but that I could get nearly anyone I wanted. I refused to think about whether I wanted anyone else or not. A short time later I was making my way towards the Liberty Diner, my backpack slung over my shoulder because Deb let me do my homework when it was slow. She had arranged it so that my shift was always during hers. She said they didn’t need me down there unsupervised. She had looked weird at Brian when she said that and I wondered if he had told her to do it but that didn’t make any sense. That would mean he gave a shit about me or something and I understood now what everyone had been trying to tell me all along and that was Brian only truly cared for himself. That was what I told myself as I walked through the misty rain, I almost made myself believe it. I was about halfway there when the rain started in earnest. Fucking great, just what I needed. A car rolled up beside me and the power window rolled smoothly down. I turned to refuse the ride, I wasn’t getting into a stranger’s car to avoid getting wet even if it was cold too. My eyes met the strangely still ones of Dr. Dave and I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Well now could this day get any fucking better? “Can I give you a ride Justin?” he asked. He was leaning out the window seemingly oblivious of the downpour. “I’m wet.” I said, I did not want to get into the car with him. Not to get out of the rain, not to save my fucking life but how could I say that? “Sorry you really creep me the fuck out so naw, I’ll walk in the freaking rain thank you very much.” “Yes I see.” He commented dryly and the car came to a stop, “Get in. It’s ridiculous for you to walk in the rain like this. You’ll catch your death.” Yeah, and what am I going to catch in there with you? I couldn’t help thinking, but being the obedient little twat I am I walked around his car and got in. “Going to the Diner.” I mumbled staring out the passenger window. I was determined I wasn’t going to look at him or talk to him any more than I absolutely had to. The afternoon had gone completely gray and rain was falling in sheets. I was reluctantly glad to be out of it. “There now see, you would have gotten drenched.” He remarked pulling back out into the light flow of traffic. “Yeah.” I replied sullenly. I yawned and leaned my head back against the head rest. I had not been sleeping well without Brian wrapped around me. I don’t think that I had lost a minute’s sleep since leaving home, until now. I missed him. I missed him at night. I missed him all the time. I hadn’t realized how much of my day he had filled until he had removed himself so completely. I sighed softly and tried not to think about it, another yawn nearly cracked my jaw. “You are not resting well?” David asked me and I nearly jumped out of my skin. How could I have forgotten him? I mumbled I was fine but he didn’t let the matter drop, “Proper rest is important for a boy your age. I can help you sleep if you would like.” His voice was a low monotone and almost hypnotic. I noticed that he drove with both hands on the wheel. At 10 and 2 just like they taught us in driver’s ed. I tried to remember a time outside of driver’s ed that I had seen anyone grip the steering wheel like that and couldn’t. God he was so freaking weird. He kept his eyes focused directly on the road never turning to look at me even when he was talking to me. I counted that as a blessing; his eyes made my skin crawl. “That’s nice of you but I’m fine.” Nothing a hot round of sex with Brian wouldn’t fix, but I didn’t say so, “I’m sure that I’ll have no trouble sleeping after Deb runs my butt off at the Diner half the night.” He laughed with me but he didn’t sound like he thought that it was funny. “You should call me if you change your mind.” He said as he carefully slowed the car. His every move was methodical, measured and just freaking weird, “I have helped many boys who could not rest to find sleep.” I stared at him wondering why what he said sounded so strange, just a little off. I had no doubt he was offering a private massage or something. I had been hit on by old guys before but none of them had ever made me feel like this. Like he would rather skin me than fuck me. I shook my head trying to clear my thoughts. Where the fuck had that come from anyhow? And then he kissed me. His thin dry lips brushed mine and a thrill of revulsion ran down my spine. I jerked away and it was only with a huge effort that I kept from yelling “Gross!” right in his face. Why in the fuck had he done that? I hadn’t done anything to make him think I wanted to kiss him. He kept his hand on the back of my neck, reminiscent of how Brian often held me in our kisses. I couldn’t remember when he had put it there. I had been watching him stop the car and then found myself locked in a kiss with him. My brain felt sluggish and slow, no matter what I did I couldn’t get it to clear. I was fumbling with the door handle by the time he finally let me go. “You should consider it, Justin.” He said his voice on the edge of mockery, “It is better to be a part of the circle than one of the lessons…wouldn’t you agree?” he paused like he was waiting for me to comment. I guess he thought he was making sense. When it was clear that I wasn’t going to respond he sighed as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. “I suppose you may call me if you change your mind.” Call him? Not in this fucking lifetime. “Yeah, right, whatever…” I muttered hauling ass out of his sedan and into the rain. I noticed that we were in front of the Diner so at least I wouldn’t have to walk in the rain. But even if we hadn’t been I wasn’t getting back into that freak-mobile. Dry skin wasn’t worth the price, next time I would fucking walk. “Tell Michael I said hey.” I told him as I slammed the door. The black look that crossed those normally expressionless features gave me a buzz of absolute terror. I swear to God he looked like he could kill someone. The window rolled down and when he leaned across the seat to speak to me his face was once again the mask he normally wore. “Michael and I are no longer…together. You will have to give him your message yourself.” His clipped tones were completely out of character. He and Michael had broke up? How the fuck had I missed out on that? I became aware that I was still standing in the rain and even though it was not the same downpour it had been before I was still getting wet. “Sorry, didn’t know.” I offered with a shrug trying to end this confrontation. I just wanted to go inside, not to escape the rain but to get away from him. His eyes glinted with an unidentifiable emotion for just a moment. “It was not your fault, Justin.” He said but how he said it made it sound as if he believed that it was someone’s fault and I would bet my last dollar, if I had one, that the somebody he blamed was Brian. I had had enough, I left him sitting there simmering. I wanted no part of Dr. Dave, broken hearted or not he was a fucking freak. Deb, who always caught the corner bus to work walked up just as I was going inside. “Christ, Justin!” She exclaimed, “ What the fuck are you standing out here for? Come on, Sunshine get your cute butt out of this rain before you catch your fucking death. It’s friggin cold as a witch’s tit out here.” I was pulled into the light and gaiety of the diner by the force of Deb’s dynamic will. It was a physical relief to hear the laughter and the cursing of the customers. The bell was ringing and the lights were too bright. Life was all around me. I felt oddly as if I was stepping out of an emotional fog. I glanced back out the door but the sedan was gone, it had been already moving off before Deb grabbed me. The doctor was gone with it but his touch remained with me and I shuddered remembering the feel of his lips against mine. I went to put my back pack away and grab an apron. There were already tables waiting to be emptied and I knew that Deb would find plenty of other things for me to do. This job wasn’t going to be a piece of cake. I wrapped the strings of the apron around my waist and tied it in front. I thought about the look I had seen in David’s eyes and the quickly concealed rage that had contorted his face. I remembered that look from the day the second body had been found. David had looked at Brian that way. I wondered how crazy the good doctor really was and if I should tell someone. I laughed at myself and went to clear tables and haul water for queers too cheap to buy a soda. What was I going to tell them? That the good Doctor was angry about losing Michael, that he hated Brian. I really couldn’t imagine anyone thinking anything was strange about that, they sounded like normal enough reactions and so I said nothing. If Brian hadn’t cut me off maybe I could tell him about what had happened, but he had hardly said more than two words to me since the day he had stopped by to inform me that I was going to be returning to school. I had missed so much anyhow and then that whole New York crap had taken on monstrous proportions and turned into a fucking week long ordeal of my getting resettled into a “real” home according to Deb and my mother. They had decided I would return to school. When I balked they had called in Brian and for someone who lives life like there is no one’s opinion but his own, that bastard could give nagging lessons if he ever decided to make a career change. I was on my own and I wanted to take care of myself. I couldn’t do that and go to school, it seemed to me that should be clear enough to anyone. Brian had come in and flopped onto the bed like he owned the place. I guess maybe he thought he did. I couldn’t imagine that Michael had set many limits for him and looking at him stretched out in all his Kinney glory I really hadn’t been able to imagine putting any on him myself. I reached for the tail of my shirt to pull it over my head. He set up and lifted a brow. “Don’t bother.” He told me coldly and it was clear by his tone that I would only be embarrassing myself if I chose to continue. Brian was not interested. God that had hurt but I kept my playing face on and flopped into a chair. “What then?” I watched as he lit a cigarette and drew the smoke deep into his lungs. We waited in silence until he exhaled in three slow perfect rings. What a fucking show off. “You are going back to school tomorrow.” He said and stood up to leave like that was the end of the conversation. It was another pang to discover what he had come to see me about, so much for my musings that he had missed me as much as I missed him. “The fuck if I am.” I said blandly and remained sprawled in my seat. The look he turned on me almost made me sit up. “Christ you are a fucking little twat, you know that Justin?” he told me. It was a tone he had never used on me before. Even from the beginning I had been something of his darling, whether he would admit it or not, it had stroked his ego to have me chasing after him. He had never cut me like he had so many others, even when he had told me I could see him in my dreams his tone had not had that finality that would have made me believe him. He said he didn’t want to see me again, but it wasn’t true. I loved him and so he loved me. I wanted him and so he wanted me. I had learned since then what a childish way that was to think. One of those things did not always follow the other even if it seemed only fair that it should. I had learned to play Brian’s game and to walk the tightrope that kept me in his life. If he had spoken to me like this after that first time, I would have never wanted to see him again. I felt young and stupid, which was exactly what he intended. “I’m not going back, you can’t make me do it Brian.” I told him and I did set up planting both feet firmly on the floor as I straightened up to face him. I didn’t stand as I would still have to look up at him and this was better. “You fucking little brat. I wouldn’t try to make you do anything but if you think that there is any benefit to your dropping out then you are a dumb shit. Why don’t you tell me your grand plan for taking care of yourself? I’m ready to be dazzled, do I need my shades? Don’t forget to include in this glorious scheme the fucking thousands you owe me.” He stood looking at me with that fucking Kinney half grin on his face, one brow slightly raised. His expression said he knew I was a stupid empty headed twink and he was just waiting for me to prove it. Suddenly all my grand ideas seemed to be silly and childish and my stomach sank. I had just run from this life, I did not want to be thrust back into it. “What do you want me to do?” I asked my voice soft. I would do anything for him. I would go back and face Hobbs again. I would walk the halls of that damned school, where the word fag was whispered like it was the filthiest one they could think of, where the teacher’s had begun to mark me down and I was slowly turning into a total outcast despite my brains, my looks and my talent. I couldn’t go home but I could do this, if he asked me to. “I don’t give a flying fuck what you do.” He told me and tears burned behind my eyes. I had never believed him before but now with this new distance between us and his sudden resistance to my physical charms I was scared that he really didn’t care what I did. “You want to be a fucking man, Justin? That’s what your mom told me. She told me you said you are a man and you’re done with school.” “I am a man.” I told him and hated how petulant my voice sounded. I wanted to be calm but I felt like a pouty child losing his favorite toy. “Out of everyone who knows me, you at least should know that.” Looking back on it I grimaced, Christ all I lacked for a full fledged fit had been stomping my foot. My cheeks colored and I bent over the table I was bussing hoping no one would notice. Brian had looked at me his expression scornful. “The only thing I know about you is that you are a pretty little boy with a tight ass and a talented mouth. If there is more to you than that you haven’t done much to show it. Drop out of fucking school if you think that makes you a goddamn man. You can work your way up in the diner. Oh my God you might get to be assistant manager under Deb one day! Fuck your art, you can sell some pictures off the diner walls so who needs any training, right? After all you are a MAN. You can help yourself to a hole in the wall apartment and share it with some cockroach roommates.” He leaned over me and reached past to grind out his cigarette. My heart betrayed me by pounding in my chest at his close proximity. I thought at first that he meant to kiss me, he had done so in the midst of his annoyance often enough in the past but this time he just moved away like the chair was empty. My face burned with embarrassment. He didn’t wait for me to answer him but turned towards the door. He stopped with his hand on the knob to turn back to look at me. “Leaving home doesn’t make you a man, Justin. Sucking cock or taking it up your ass doesn’t make you a man, fuck, growing up won’t make you one. You want to be a man? Then fucking be one. If you’re too stupid to figure out how to do that for yourself, I’m damn sure not giving you a fucking map.” The sound of the bell on the door broke into my thoughts and I heard Brian laugh as he entered the Diner but didn’t turn around. Brian. I had yet to figure out how to overcome the barrier he had raised between us. I knew he was right about something, and that is there was little future for me without school and so I had gone back. I was living with Deb and Vic and I was slowly paying back what I owed him. There had been a slight thawing but no hint of a return to the relationship he and I had once shared. I feared I had been shelved to the ranks of those he didn’t fuck, his friends. The thought made me frown and I put the dishes in the tub a little rougher than was necessary. “Ya tryin’ to buy those, Sunshine?” Deb yelled at me and I shrugged, moving to the next table. Christ there has to be a way to get him back, to make him notice me again. He was sitting with Michael and they were talking about Michael’s birthday. Mikey was going to be thirty and he was not very happy about it. He didn’t want to do anything for his birthday, he didn’t want to hear about it. I knew some girls like that but they were always lying. It sounded like he might be serious. I couldn’t blame him, 30, Jesus that was next door to a crypt keeper. I finally finished cleaning up and Deb let me loose to do some homework. I stacked my books on the table and slid into the booth. Christ I had a shit load of work to catch up. I was reading my physics when someone slid into the booth across from me. I glanced up to find myself staring into Brian’s amused eyes. “Back to schoolboy.” He commented stealing my book and turning it so he could see what I was studying. His expression made it clear that I was not going to get the help from him with physics that I had with Latin. I made a face at him and he laughed at me and got back to his feet. There was something in his eyes that puzzled me but it was gone before I could identify it. “You doing ok?” he asked casually, “no one bothering you?” I wrinkled my nose what the fuck did he mean by that? For some reason his words brought to mind not the hazing I received on a regular basis from Hobbs but my weird ride with David. I considered mentioning it but the Doctor had not been bothering me, it had been a chance encounter and one that I would keep from reoccurring by riding the bus to work. He would only laugh at my paranoia anyhow. No one seemed to see the threat that I did or realize how freaking weird he is. “Bothering me? Not fucking likely, I can’t even get bothered if I want to. Deb is like a fucking hawk watching out for me.” I complained. Brian looked satisfied. Why? What did that matter to him? “Can’t have some bad boy running off with you, Sunshine.” Deb teased and set a coke on the table with me. She glared at Brian when she moved away and I had to laugh. It was obvious she knew Michael and David were no longer an item and it seemed she blamed the same person that David did. Studying Brian’s handsome face I decided that probably everyone who knew them thought it was Brian’s fault but I didn’t see it. Michael made his own choices and it’s not Brian’s fault that the man is so pathetic. “Did you want something?” I asked Brian, “I got a lot of work to do.” The small smile I loved so much quirked his mouth and I longed to kiss the corner of it but I allowed none of that to show on my face. I just stared at him impatiently. His tongue poked his check and he shook his head. He didn’t say anything else to me but on his way back to Michael he yelled at Deb. “Bring Justin a burger and some fries, a man needs to keep up his strength.” It was pathetic how good his words made me feel. Fucking pathetic. TBC Comment or I might die and you'll never ever know what happens *snort*