Love’s Long Journey
Chapter 3
Brian stood and put the finishing touches on his attire. He looked at his reflection in the mirror; his hazel eyes still had that haunted, faraway look and faint traces of dark circles still marred his unlined face. It had been over six months since Christian’s passing and it all still felt surreal to him. He moved about his daily life in a thick fog of painful memories, and did his best to hide what he was really feeling from everyone, especially Gus. With Gus’ graduation from high school looming over the horizon, Brian didn’t want him to lose focus on his schoolwork by having to worry about his father. He fell back into his old habit of erecting his carefully constructed walls and only those who were very close to him knew how much he was still hurting. Despite everything he did to hide his feelings, Gus knew what was really going on with his father. Every time he tried to talk about it, however, Brian gave him his standard answer, “I’m fine Son, you don’t need to worry about me. You need to concentrate on school and not my problems; I’m fine.” Gus knew he wasn’t, but he also knew his father. Once he decided he didn’t want to talk about something, there was no way anyone was going to get him to open up. Arriving at the auditorium, Brian took his seat in the front row along with the Hamilton’s. Gus was graduating with honors and he had been chosen valedictorian of his class; an honor and accomplishment that had filled his father with pride the day he broke the news to him. Brian was very proud of his son. Despite all they had endured over the past six months, Gus had maintained his focus on school. It was a bittersweet achievement, and the only dark cloud that hung over them was the fact that Christian wasn’t there to share in their special moment. He would have been so proud and excited to know that Gus was graduating with honors as well as being the class valedictorian. Brian glanced toward Heaven and wished that Chris was beside him and hoped that he had, in fact, made it to a better place. Pomp and circumstance filtered through the speakers as the graduates walked in to take their seats. Honored guests and special speakers sat on the stage, and Gus was among them. Gus took his seat of honor, looked toward the front row, and spotted his dad and adopted grandparents. He smiled at them, but not before a flash of sadness marred his normally sparkling hazel eyes, and for just a second he wished his Da and his mom were there to see him finally graduate from high school He had worked very hard to maintain his grade point even though, at times, he had found it difficult. He worried a lot about his father since Da died; he had just about completely shut down emotionally ever since the funeral. Brian had done his best to maintain a normal home life for his son by participating in events at school, making sure he concentrated on getting his work done and helping him choose the right college. But it seemed as if had functioned on autopilot; his heart just hadn’t been in it. Gus never said much to his dad, because he knew he was trying his best to keep everything on the right track, but when he wasn’t doing things with him, he buried himself in his work spending even longer hours at the office than he had before. His father had always made sure he was his number one priority, but after that work became his shelter from the pain. It became a constant with his dad that he would come home from the office and spend time with him, but after he’d gone to bed, his dad would head back to the office and return home late at night to fall into bed from exhausted. Gus had a feeling that this was his father’s way of coping; to keep himself from thinking too much about Da, because if he did he wasn’t sure what would happen; it seemed as if he was holding on by a thread. It had only been a few days after the funeral when Gus had returned to school at his father’s insistence, but he himself, had yet to return to the office. He was busy settling Christian’s affairs. When Gus returned home from school one day, he noticed that his dad was home because he had seen his car parked in the garage, but when he entered the loft he noticed how quiet it was. Usually when his father was home he would have some sort of music playing, but that particular day it seemed eerily quiet. As he went in search of his father, he noticed the door to his office was slightly ajar and realized that he must be doing some work. Slowly he approached the doorway and was about to enter. He stopped abruptly when he observed the quiet trembling of his father’s shoulders and knew he was crying. He knew his dad wouldn’t want him to witness his moment of weakness and quietly backed away from the room and went into the kitchen purposely making noise to let him know he was home and giving him a few minutes before calling out to him. “Gus, you’re home,” Brian stated as the appeared in the kitchen. “Hi ya Dad,” Gus replied as he took in his dad’s red rimmed eyes and slightly disheveled appearance. “You okay?” “Yeah Gus, I am,” he lied. “It’s been a long day and I had several appointments with Chris’ attorney’s. “Oh right, you mentioned that to me this morning.” Chris had appointed Brian the executor of his estate should anything happen to him. Initially, Brian had scoffed at the idea saying it would be a long time before they had to worry about those kinds of matters. Apparently a long timehad gotten a lot shorter, but that was just typical of Christian he was one of the most organized individuals in work next to Brian; one of the many things the two had in common. “Okay Dad. Well, I guess I better get started on my homework,” he said as he headed off to his room. It was very difficult for him to see his father in the state he was in. He wanted so much to be able to comfort him, but knowing what his father was like, he knew it would only cause him embarrassment if he found out that he had been caught in a weak moment. Brian made the rounds of attorney visits and found that Chris had left everything to him; lock, stock and barrel as the cliché went and in the event Brian wasn’t around Gus was to have inherited it all. He was stunned as the attorney notified him of the situation. He never asked Chris about the details of his will; he just assumed the majority of it would go to his family and possibly, the penthouse that Chris owned overlooking Central Park would be his. Once he found out that Chris had given him everything he felt he should speak with Amanda and Charles and let them know what had been done. He wasn’t sure how they would feel knowing that Chris had turned over all of his assets to his lover. As he sat in the Hamilton’s library, he kept going over in his mind just how to broach the subject. The Chris’ parents had become family to him as they welcomed him and Gus into their hearts and their home. He thought of them as his in-laws ever since he and Christian had agreed to become partners. In fact, once he and Chris had committed themselves to one another, Chuck and Amanda had insisted that he call them mom and dad. It wasn’t easy for him to do, since he rarely referred to his own parents using those names, instead choosing to call them Jack and Joan. But overtime he became comfortable with his new family and it felt as if he had always belonged, something he had never felt with his own parents. “Brian, it’s good to see you,” Amanda’s welcoming voice brought him out of his reverie. “How are you?” Brian stood to embrace his mother-in-law, “I’m doing okay.” She gazed into his eyes and knew he wasn’t telling her the truth, but she didn’t expect anything different. Knowing her son’s partner for as long as she had, she knew how good he was at hiding his feelings, even considering how far he had come during his time with Chris. She was afraid that he was going to revert back to his old, closed off self again, and had already begun to sense it the day they laid Christian to rest. “So how is Gus doing?” she inquired, changing the subject. “He’s fine. He didn’t miss much of his schoolwork when…”Brian let his voice trail. It was still hard for him to talk about the accident. “Well I’m glad he’s doing okay.” “Hey Brian, it’s good to see you,” Chuck stated as he walked into the room, reaching out to embrace his son. “Everything okay?” he asked when he noticed the uncomfortable silence. He gave his wife a questioning glance as she gave a slight shrug of her petite shoulders. “Yes, everything is fine. I just have some things I need to discuss with you before you find out about it from someone else,” Brian hesitated before going further. The Hamilton’s looked at one another, wondering what the problem might be. Chuck spoke first, “Brian, you know you can tell us anything.” “Christian had appointed me executor of his estate,” he paused to gauge their reaction. Seeing that none was forthcoming he continued. “Well, I’ve been going over things with his attorneys and found out that he left everything to Gus and I,” he ended thinking he would receive cries of outrage. He glanced over at the two with a puzzled look, “Aren’t you upset?” he asked. Amanda chuckled softly and Chuck had the audacity to laugh out loud. “Brian…son, is that what you were worried about telling us?” Chuck questioned. “Well…yes. After all, Chris and I were not legally married in the eyes of the law. We had always hoped that one day gay marriages would be recognized here, but we never talked about his finances and such. I just assumed it would go to his family.” “Brian who do think Chris considered his family?” Amanda gently asked. “We both knew all of our son’s assets would go to you in the event something happened to him. He talked it over with us before he did it and we agreed wholeheartedly with his decision. You may not have been legally married, but in his heart you were. We felt then, and still do, that you and Gus should inherit all of his estate; you were his family.” Brian’s eyes misted over with unshed tears, “You knew,” he whispered. “Yes, we knew and strongly believe he made the right decision,” Chuck responded. “You and Gus were his world; he had never been as happy in his life as he was after he met you. This was a small way for him to show you how much he loved you both.” “I love him too…very much,” he said quietly as a tear escaped and ran down his face. “We know you do, Brian,” Amanda said softly, reaching out to squeeze his hand. Brian wiped away the stray tear and stood to leave. Embracing both the Hamilton’s he whispered, “Thank you for sharing your son with me.” Gus’ attention was brought back to the present as he heard Head Master Clancy announce his name. He stepped forward to the podium, and ran his tongue across his dry lips, his hazel eyes nervously darted around the auditorium before landing on the three special people in his life. Giving them a small smile, he took a deep breath and cleared his throat before speaking. In a strong and clear voice he began. “Fellow students, parents, Head Master Clancy and honored guests. We are here today on the threshold of a new phase of our lives. As we each get ready to go our separate ways, we take with us the values and lessons we have learned from our teachers, peers and most of all from our families. I’ve been blessed to have been raised and loved in a unique and special family. It has been through its members that I have learned to be tolerant of the differences in others, and the value of working hard to achieve one’s goals. But most of all, of what it is to love someone unconditionally. Not too long ago, I lost someone very special in my life. Surviving the loss hasn’t been very easy, but both he and my dad instilled in me the will to fight…to never quit, because to do that means you give up on yourself and your hopes and dreams. I have a lot I want to accomplish in my life and I know that when I do, my dad and my da’s spirit will always be beside me, gently guiding me through all of life’s hills and valleys. ” Before completing his speech, Gus looked heavenward, his eyes misting as he kissed the tips of his fingers, and raised them up to release them, “Thank you dad and da for always loving me.” Brian’s eyes glistened with tears and his heart swelled with pride as he listened to his son speak of his hopes and dreams for the future and the lessons he gained from his unique family. The months preceding Gus’ departure for college were spent in a whirlwind of shopping, packing and spending time with friends and family. It was also a sad time for the two men. Despite the fact that Brian ran his own successful advertising agency and had to be away for business, he and Gus were never apart for very long. He always made it a point to take care of the client’s needs as quickly and efficiently as possible so that he could return home quickly to be with his son. Brian didn’t like having to leave Gus with someone else, but he was fortunate to have found a wonderful older woman named Amelia Clark living in the same building. She was always more than happy to watch his son while he was away. She was the grandmotherly type who loved and doted on Gus as if he was her own grandchild, and Brian couldn’t have been more pleased to have found her. Even when Christian came into their lives and helped out with Gus, the young boy had still spent time with his Grandma Amelia. It was difficult when the day came and Amelia could no longer live on her own. After suffering several minor strokes, her family thought it best if she were moved into an assisted living home closer to where her own family lived. She still had her independence, but now there were medical personnel around when she needed them. By then, Gus had grown older, Chris had become a bigger part of their lives and was more than willing to help out when Brian was away. As Brian helped his son sort out the things he needed to take with him to school, and what could be left behind, he let his mind drift back to the time the three of them were discussing college choices for Gus. It was kind of ironic because, at the time, he and Christian secretly relished having their home to themselves; being able to make love anywhere, anytime and anyplace without fear of their son barging in at any minute, sometimes bringing along a whole herd of friends. They were looking forward to being able to be alone together and not having to worry about a teenager. Gus had been so excited about going to Carnegie Mellon; it was all he talked about and he looked forward to being on his own. It wasn’t that his father or Christian were overly strict or constantly on his case; in fact, as parents went and as he got older and realized things, he felt that he was pretty damned lucky to have the ones he did. When he heard his friends speak about their parents, he counted his lucky stars. Gus had learned early on what his father’s expectations and guidelines were; what he was expected to abide by. As long as he followed the rules and respected himself and others, he had no problems with either of them. There were times when he tested the waters and chose to follow a different path, and he found out quickly the ramification of his actions weren’t nearly as much fun as he thought it might be and his punishment was dealt swiftly. Smiling sadly to himself, Brian realized that he was feeling the same empty nest syndrome that some women experienced after their children had flown the coop. It sounded kind of sexist to him when he thought about the phrase some women. Lindsay must be laughing from her grave knowing he was experiencing these muncher feelings. “Hey Dad,” Gus called out as he waved his hand in front of his father to get his attention. “Huh…did you say something?” Brian asked. “Yeah, I was asking you about my laptop. Didn’t you hear anything I said? What were you thinking about anyway? You seemed kinda out there.” “Oh I was just thinking about your mom.” “Why?” Gus looked at his father with a puzzled expression. “I was just thinking how she must be laughing at me right now.” “Why would she do that?” “It’s kind of silly, but I think I was experiencing a flash of the empty nest syndrome and how I always thought I’d be the last one to think about that and how I thought only women experienced it. Sounds a bit sexist, doesn’t it? Your mom would laugh if she knew,” he stated, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Dad…” Gus paused a moment as he looked into his father’s eyes and saw the deep sadness reflected within. “Don’t worry Sonnyboy, I’m fine. But, at times like this I can’t help but think about your mom and da. They would have loved to share in this experience with us. Come on let’s finish up and then we can go to dinner; your choice.” “Great! How about some pizza from my favorite place,” Gus laughed as he saw his father cringe knowing he was probably calculating the amount of calories in each slice. The day finally arrived when father and son were to board the plane to Pittsburgh for the start of Gus’ first year at Carnegie Mellon. Brian had ordered a limo to take them to the airport so they could avoid the hassle of having to deal with a cab. The amount of luggage that was being taken made the limo that much easier. Brian was up early as usual. It wasn’t like he got much sleep nowadays. He had showered and dressed and was noe sitting in the kitchen leisurely drinking his morning coffee and reading the newspaper. He was taking the time to enjoy a few quiet moments before he had to wake Gus up to get ready. He thought he would let him sleep until the last possible moment since it would be a long day for both of them. It was hard to believe the day had arrived when Gus would be leaving for school. It’s not like he hadn’t known and been preparing for the possibility for the last eighteen years, but to see the day materialize was still a little overwhelming. After dropping Gus’ things off at the dorm, father and son made a stop at the cemetery to place some flowers on Lindsay’s grave. It had been a while since they had made their actual visit, although Brian had arranged with a local florist to have flowers delivered once a week and on special occasions such as her birthday or Mother’s day. Gus kneeled, placed the flowers, and brushed away the dried leaves that had fallen over the marker. Having done that, he stood up, hands clasped in front, and recalled some of the memories of the past. He had been so young when his mother died that sometimes he was afraid he would forget what she looked liked. Thanks to his dad, who had always made sure to have a picture of his mom placed here and there in the loft, his memories were still vivid. “Dad, you okay? Gus asked as he turned to look at his father. Even though he had his sunglasses on, Gus could see the tears that escaped and trickle down his face. “What…yes I’m fine Gus,” Brian replied as he was pulled out of his reverie by his son’s voice. It wasn’t too long ago, that Brian stood before a similar place, having just laid his partner to rest. Visiting Lindsay just brought back all the pain and memories he was trying so desperately to push to the back of his mind. He didn’t really want to come here but he had to, after all Lindsay was his best friend and the mother of his child and it wasn’t often he was able to visit her. Brian wrapped his arm around his son’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. Shaking his head to rid his mind of the past, he said, “Let’s go get something to eat. It’s been at least a couple of hours since you last ate and you must be starved.” He glanced over at his son, giving him a smirk. “Since you’ve mentioned it, I am hungry,” Gus laughed; he was still a growing boy after all. “Can we go to the diner, Dad?” he asked. “I’d like to see grandma Deb.” Brian grimaced at the thought of eating at that greasy spoon and he wasn’t sure he was ready to run into the red-headed whirlwind who was sure to give him a what for, for staying away so long. “Sure son, we can go there if you want,” Brian reluctantly relented. “Cool, let’s go.” The bell jingling overhead made the patrons inside the diner look up. Pulling off his sunglasses, Brian looked around for an empty booth and after spotting his favorite one guided Gus toward the back. They both noticed the stares they attracted as the entered. They were a striking pair, both tall with the same chestnut colored hair, and captivating hazel eyes with flecks of gold; the older one’s more intense reflecting the pain he was going through; the younger ones were full of innocence and life. They had no sooner sat down, than a loud shout was heard as Debbie exited the kitchen. “Oh my God, look what the cat dragged in,” the red-headed waitress proclaimed loud enough to make everyone stop what they were doing to pay attention. Gus noticed his father wince as he heard the voice of the woman who was like a mother to him. “Hi, Grandma Deb,” Gus said as he stood up to give her a hug hoping to deflect her gregarious nature away from his dad. “It’s been too long, Sweetie,” she said as she hugged him back, nearly squeezing the air out of him. She planted a kiss, staining his cheek with her famous red lipstick. She stepped back and glared at the man who sat silently watching. “Well? Don’t I get a hug from you? You know you’re still not too old for me to give you a smack,” she smiled gently at the man she took in as a teenager. She noticed the sadness in his eyes and her heart went out to him. Sliding out of the booth, he was quickly enveloped in a bear hug. “Deb…Deb…you’re breaking my ribs here,” he reminded the over zealous woman, but he hugged her back actually craving the comfort her ample body provided. “How you doin’ Kiddo? I was really sorry to hear about Christian; we all were,” she said, her eyes getting misty. “I have my days,” Brian replied. As always he was never one to reveal his true feelings. Just admitting he had his days told her just how bad it was for him. She glanced over at Gus, who shrugged his shoulders confirming her own thoughts. She couldn’t begin to imagine what Brian was keeping bottled up inside him. When Christian entered his life, he had gone through a transformation the likes of which she never thought she’s see. He seemed to have thrown his Brian Kinney rulebook out the window, and now she had a feeling that it was going to be brought out again, and that his walls were already back in place. She hoped that wasn’t the case because she sure liked seeing the Brian Kinney that showed he did have a heart inside the tough façade he perfected. He pulled open a menu and pretended to look it over, hoping she would get the hint and change the subject. No matter how well meaning people meant to be, he hated it when anyone brought up the subject. How was he suppose to move past his pain if people always reminded him of it. “Hey, Grandma Deb, can I order please?” Gus asked, receiving a grateful smile from his father. “Oh sure Honey. You must be starved; a growing boy like you,” she chuckled, “What about you, Kiddo?” she turned to look at Brian. “Just coffee, please?” “Dad…”Gus was about to speak, but kept quiet after receiving a warning glare from his father. Debbie noticed the look that passed between father and son as he only ordered coffee. She surmised that Brian probably wasn’t eating; it was bad enough he counted every calorie he put in his mouth so that he could keep up his appearance, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to notice how gaunt he looked. She could tell that he was barely eating for his already slim frame had lost even more weight than normal and his clothes hung loosely on his body. Placing the order with the kitchen, Debbie went about filling coffee and bussing tables. “Dad, you should have ordered something. You’ve hardly eaten anything all day. You didn’t eat anything on the plane…” “I never eat anything on the plane,” Brian interjected. “That food isn’t healthy for you,” he smirked. “You don’t know how many people have handled it before it get to you,” he laughed. “Ewwww Dad, did you have to tell me that right before I’m about to eat,” Gus chuckled. “Seriously, I’m worried about you. You hardly eat, you’re not sleeping at night, and with me being away at school who’s going to look after you?” “Look Sonnyboy, I’m just going through a lot of things right now, besides I’m a grown man, and can take care of myself. I was doing so long before you arrived. I’ll be fine, I promise.” Brian looked at his son feeling guilty for making him worry. He didn’t think he’d notice, what with school, then graduation, and preparing to go off to college, but he also realized that Gus was an astute and sensitive individual; things he had gotten from Lindsay and Christian. One thing he had never been known for was being sensitive, but Gus sure was and he was thankful that he was that way. Returning to the dorm and finally settling Gus in, Brian decided it was time to go. His flight would be leaving in a few hours and the longer he stayed the more difficult it would be for him to say goodbye. He never thought it would be so hard to leave his son at school. Even though he was on the threshold of adulthood, Gus would always be considered a kid and he worried about him being on his own for the first time. He knew that he was a responsible teenager, as far as teenagers go, and that had never given him or Christian cause to worry. He was a good kid and would be missed a lot, and the loft would feel even emptier now without his presence. No books or clothes tossed carelessly about, none of the constant thumpa-thumpa beat of the pulsating music he loved to listen to reverberating throughout, but most of all, there would be none of the constant banter that Gus provided. Brian always enjoyed his talks with Gus. He kept him on his toes with his intelligence and sharp wit. He challenged him like no other except for Christian. He would miss them dearly. Christian…his eyes misted for a second as he thought of his partner and how proud and excited he would have been to see Gus ready to embark on his life as a college freshmen. The two of them had talked often with their son about their own college experiences and how they hoped that he would be able to experience the challenges and fun that college life had to offer. How he wished Christian was with them to share in it all. “Dad,” Gus’ voice echoed through his memories. “You okay?” “Oh sure, Son,” Brian replied being pulled back to the present. Gus had been concerned about leaving his father alone and going away to school. Even though it had been over six months, the pain of Christian’s death was still very raw and fresh, and he knew that his father was keeping all his emotions pent up inside. Most of the time he functioned on autopilot. He kept saying everything was fine, but he knew it wasn’t. His father rarely laughed or smiled anymore, and when he did, the smile never fully reached his eyes. He was very distant most of the time, except when he had the opportunity to engage him in some sort of debate about the issues going on the world. It was at these rare moments he’d catch a small glimpse of his father’s former self, but even those were usually fleeting. Gus had considered staying in New York and going to school, but he had his heart set on attending Carnegie Mellon. He even spoke with his grandparents about his concerns about leaving Brian and going away to school, but they encouraged him to follow his plans because they knew that was the way his father would want it. He would never want to be the one to influence Gus’ decisions nor be the cause of him changing them. He knew his grandparents were right, but he needed some reassurance that he was doing the right thing; for him and his father. The Hamilton’s made Gus see that six months wasn’t all that long for someone to grieve, after all he and Christian were the other halves of each other’s heart and soul. It would take a lot of time and Gus shouldn’t put his own life on hold; his father wouldn’t want that. After wrestling with the matter for a while, he decided to go ahead with his plans; if things didn’t work out, or his father really needed him, he wasn’t too far away by air and he could always transfer to a college in state. “Well, Dad I guess that’s it. Looks like I have everything I need for now,” he gave a half smile as he looked at his father. He seemed so lost and for a moment Gus began having second thoughts about leaving him. Brian shifted uncomfortably under the gaze of his son. He knew Gus worried about him and he tried to reassure him that everything was fine…that he was fine; that he just needed some time. Maybe when he got back to New York he would take some time off and get out of the city for a while. “I guess I better get going. I don’t want to miss my flight. Okay, Sonnyboy, you have everything…right? The charge card is to be used for emergency purposes only…no wild nights on the town,” Brian gave a small smile. “You know me better than that Dad. Besides, I have a checking account full of cash,” he smiled slyly at his father. “Oh that’s right,” Brian chuckled. “Just remember you don’t have to use it all in one day. Your tuition, books and living expenses are already paid for, but every month I’ll make a deposit into the account to make sure you always have enough and don’t forget to call me if you need anything.” “I will Dad. Don’t worry I have your cell number programmed into my speed dial. Dad…” Gus hesitated a moment. “What is it Gus?” A look of concern filled his eyes as he noticed his son’s hesitation and just for a second Brian was reminded of the five year old who was always asking him to buy some new toy or computer game. Without pause, the next thing Brian had was an armful of a boy/man in his arms hugging him tightly, just like those times before he met Christian and he had to leave to go on a business trip. Those trips were always difficult and a few days prior to him leaving his son would get clingy. Brian made it a point to call him every night and he never stayed longer that reasonably possible. Brian’s arms immediately embraced his son and his eyes filling with tears. He knew exactly the emotions Gus was going through at the moment because they were the same ones he was feeling too. Ever since Lindsay died, Gus had always been afraid that Brian would leave too. How did he explain to a young child that his fears were irrational, that he would be back. Of course he could never guarantee it, not deep down anyway. For all he knew his plane could crash, and besides, he had never believed in sugar coating the truth with his son. The only thing he could do was reassure him by telling him that he loved him very much and would call him every day. He also said that if Gus needed to talk, he could call no matter what time of the day or night it was. True to his word even if he was with a client when his cell rang and displayed Gus’ number, he would take it without hesitation. Father and son stood holding each other, finding it hard to let go. Neither one of them had expected their parting to be so hard. Finally, Brian pulled away slightly, and placed his hands on either side of Gus’ shoulders. With the pad of this thumb, he gently reached up and brushed away the tear that had fallen, giving his son a watery smile. “I love you Gus, and I’m so proud of you. I couldn’t have been blessed with a better kid than you. I’ll miss you, but you’ll be fine,” he reassured him. “And I will too,” he said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Come on, I’d better go before you need to find me a bed, because I’ll move in with you and you wouldn’t want me cramping your lifestyle,” he smiled. “Walk me downstairs.” Gus laughed and hugged his father again, “ Okay Dad. I love you too.” Standing on the sidewalk outside the dorm, Brian hugged Gus one last time. “Take care, Sonnyboy, and don’t forget to call me at least once a week,” he winked as he climbed into the car. He stared out the window and watched the clouds pass as they cruised at altitude. Brian began to seriously consider making plans to take a break from the city, but where could he go that didn’t remind him of Christian. Laying his head back against the seat, he closed his eyes and images of his partner flashed before him. Quickly his eyes sprang open, so that he could erase the images. When will it get easier? Or will it ever? he asked himself. The taxi dropped him off in front of his building and Brian leaned in through the window to pay the driver. He turned and climbed the short the short flight of stairs then entered the elevator and leaned against the back wall with his eyes closed as it made his way up to his floor. He was exhausted and wasn’t looking forward to coming home to an empty loft. He walked out of the elevator and dropped his suitcase in front of the large and imposing, sliding doors. He fought the urge to pick up his things and head to a hotel instead. He knew sooner or later he would have to face the empty place, but he wished it was anytime other than now. When he inserted the key and slid back the door, he winced at the grating sound of metal on metal. It was strange how the noise made him react. It wasn’t as if it was something different; the noise had always been there. Maybe because he was aware that the place was void of all life now….no Christian and no Gus to fill the emptiness. He stepped into the loft and placed his suitcase just inside the doorway. As he glanced around, he felt an all encompassing claustrophobic feeling. It was as if the life had been sucked out of the loft leaving it cold and empty. He took a deep, shuddering breath before walking across the oak wood floor, his footsteps echoing as he made his way toward his bedroom. He undressed quickly, putting on his favorite well-worn, pair of jeans then a white t-shirt and headed back to retrieve his suitcase to unpack. Sitting in his office the following morning, Brian found it hard to concentrate so he decided to call Gus. “Hey Dad,” Gus laughed as he answered his cell phone and saw from the caller ID who it was. “Hey Sonnyboy.” “You just left yesterday and you’re checking up on me already?” “No, I wasn’t checking up on you,” Brian replied and smiled at the laughter he could hear in his son’s voice. “Oh riiiiiight,” the boy laughed again but it quickly faded. He could tell by the hesitation in his father’s voice that he was having one of those days and he felt bad for teasing him. “Dad you okay?” he asked with concern in his voice. “Yes, Gus I’m fine. I just called to make sure you were settled in. Did your roommate show up yet?” Brian did his best to move the conversation away from himself. He didn’t want his son to worry about him unnecessarily. He wanted him to focus on school instead of his father. “Yeah, I’m all settled in, and no, my roommate hasn’t arrived yet. I heard that he’s suppose to show up tomorrow. I hope he’s not too much of a neat freak,” Gus laughed. “Not that I’m a total slob, but I like a lived in look.” He could sense his dad cringing because he was such a neat freak; unlike him. “Maybe he is and some of it will rub off on you,” Brian laughed. “Not likely Dad. Look how long I’ve been with you and it hasn’t.” “That’s true enough, Sonnyboy. For some reason you are more like Christian…he liked that lived in look too. Use to drive me crazy sometimes,” Brian said, a hint of sadness in his voice. “Well I’d better let you go. I’ve got work to do,” he said quickly hoping Gus couldn’t detect the sadness that had overcome him when he mentioned Chris. “You know I love you, Dad,” Gus said. He had heard the sadness in his father’s voice and he wanted to reassure him. “Yes Gus, I know and I love you too. Take care and we’ll talk again soon.” Brian hung up the phone, stood, and walked over to the window that overlooked the bustling city streets. He had a sudden need to get out there amongst the crowd and lose himself in the throng of people going about their lives. Maybe it would ease the heaviness that seemed to envelope him lately. Some fresh air might do the trick, he thought to himself as he grabbed his jacket. “Cyn, I’m going out for a while,” he told his assistant as he walked out of his office. “I’m not sure when I’ll be back. If there is some kind of emergency, you can get me on my cell phone; but only if it’s an emergency.” “Sure Boss,” Cynthia replied as she took note of the sadness that still remained in his eyes. She knew that with Gus being gone it would be even harder on Brian. Brian raised his hand to shade his eyes against the sunshine reflecting off the many glass windowed offices that lined the city street and he quickly donned his designer sunglasses. He looked several different directions before deciding which way to go. It didn’t actually matter which way he went, as he had just wanted to get out to clear his head. He walked aimlessly, letting the masses move him along. He never noticed how it seemed that everyone was in a rush; as if they were all late for some appointment. It seemed as if he was the only one with no place to go. As he moved along he started to take notice of the different places, like restaurants, stores, and the various billboards and such that dotted the airspace advertising this product or some new Broadway play. Without realizing it he was seeing places he and Christian had been to and suddenly his mind was awash with images and memories of their time together. A feeling of panic arose, his heart raced and he felt as if he was suddenly being suffocated. He walked hurriedly, his pace now matching the rest of the busy city. Without conscious thought he found himself at the entrance of Central Park where he headed for the first available vacant bench. Sitting under the protective covering of a large tree, he took a deep cleansing breath, and let his heartbeat return to normal. He placed his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose to stave off the headache he could feel coming on. He couldn’t believe what had come over him so suddenly. He felt like such a wuss for getting so panicky the way he did. He knew then he had to get out of the city for a while. There were too many reminders of his life with Christian and it was making it difficult for him to move on. Once he calmed down, he leaned back against the wooden bench and looked around at the sights and movements going on about the park. He took in the wide expanse of green, lush carpet of grass, the many huge trees that provided shade and covering, and the flowering bushes that lined the concrete pathways. He observed several groups of couples enjoying the weather with lunchtime picnics on blankets under the shady trees. He took a deep breath and inhaled the scent of flowers, freshly mown grass, and fresh air. It was then that he made his decision. He would go somewhere there were wide open spaces uncluttered by tall concrete monoliths and tinted glass and lots of fresh air. The question was, where? Then, for whatever reason, he began to think of the time he had taken Gus out to the ranch after Lindsay died. As much as he dreaded going there in the first place he remembered that once he arrived he had thoroughly enjoyed himself. Being out in the fresh air and wide open spaces, with clear skies as far as the eye could see, and the peaceful and tranquil nights when all you could see were stars twinkling like diamonds against the black sky had worked wonders for he and Gus. Spending the day horseback riding, going on short trail rides with the hands that worked the ranch, and he would even admit that mucking out the stalls was gratifying in an odd kind of way. After being cooped up behind a desk, it had felt good to be outdoors using muscles that weren’t normally used, and the physical exertion had been a satisfying feeling. Even though, throughout the years, he and Gus had only been able to make it back several more times, they never forgot the Double B ranch. A plan started formulating in his mind; maybe a visit out to the Double B might be a good idea. It would be nice to see his old friends, and maybe when he got back to the office he would give Josh Buchanan a call and see if he could spend some time there. Over the years the two had become friends and kept in touch by phone, email. Whenever Josh was in New York on business or visiting his brother, they would make it a point to get together for dinner. Over time, as Brian and Christian’s relationship had become serious, he had introduced Josh to his partner and hoped that one day he would be able to return to the Double B ranch with Gus and Christian, but like too many good plans it never came to be. Despite Josh’s down home country appearance he hadn’t always been a rancher. He had, in fact, worked in advertising and owned a very successful firm. But he turned it over to his right hand man to run it when his father was taken ill, and moved back to Montana to help run the ranch. His father had planned on selling the ranch because he knew Josh was running his own company and his youngest son, Jason being an up and coming artist who used the excuse that New York was the only place for an artist to get to be known, the chances of having them returning home to the ranch were slim. Josh’s brother Jason and his father had never gotten along and the minute he graduated from high school he had taken off for art school in New York, and he never looked back. The elder Buchanan could never understand his younger son’s penchant for doing what he called sissy things like painting and drawing. Instead, he was always after him to help out with the chores or wanting him to help the hands whenever it was needed. What Brian learned later, after as he had gotten to know Josh, was that at first he didn’t want to leave his business either. He loved doing what he did and he worked hard to become successful, but he definitely knew his younger brother wasn’t ever going to step foot on the ranch again if he could help it. The ranch had been in the family for several generations and to see it being sold to complete strangers was something that Josh didn’t want. His sense of family and history eventually won out and he decided to step in and help run the ranch. Josh still hadn’t given up hope that one day he would return to New York and step back into the world of advertising, but while he was helping to run the ranch his business was left in the capable hands of his second in command with him making an appearance only a couple of times of month. Of course when the difficult clients demanded to be handled only by him he made sure he was available. Once Brian felt calm enough he headed back to the office. This time his stride was more determined…he now had a purpose and a plan. Cynthia turned toward the sound of the elevator bell as the doors opened, and heaved a sigh of relief when Brian stepped off. She had been concerned when he took off so suddenly. She had noticed a mild look of panic in his eyes, or had it been hysteria? Either way she knew he was running from something. Whatever it was must have resolved itself because the lifeless look that seemed to have veiled his eyes lately appeared to have been replaced by a hint of the old Kinney sparkle. “Hey Boss, are you okay?” Cynthia inquired. “Yes, thanks. Anything happen while I was away?” “Not much, but there’s a couple of messages I left on your desk.” “Okay. I’ll get to them later. In the meantime, look up Josh Buchanan’s number and call him so that I can speak to him.” “Sure thing, Boss. Anything else you need?” “Nothing for now,” he replied and walked into his office. It was a few minutes later when his phone rang and Cynthia announced she had Josh Buchanan on the line. Brian stopped what he was doing to answer the call. “Hey Josh, how are you?” Brian asked. “Brian? How are things going in the busy city? Still raking in the big bucks?” Josh smiled at hearing his friend’s voice. “Well, you know how it is; someone’s got to do it,” he laughed softly. It was nice speaking with his old friend. It had been too long. “I haven’t heard from you in a while. Everything okay? How’s that son of yours?” Josh knew that Brian had been struggling with things since the death of partner. The last time they had gotten together for dinner, it seemed as if the light in his friend’s eyes had been snuffed out. “Yeah, things are okay…you know how it is….”he let his voice trail. “As for Gus I just delivered him to his freshman year at college. It’s hard to imagine how time flies,” he remarked in a melancholy tone. “It is hard to believe that boy of yours is in college already,” Josh replied. He could hear the sadness in Brian’s voice and his heart went out to him. First the lost of his partner, and now sending his son off to school; things must be really difficult for him he thought. “He was pretty excited about going away to school and being on his own for the first time. I just hope he doesn’t get too carried away and forget what he’s actually there for,” Brian laughed ruefully. “But, I know he’s a pretty good kid and I really do want him to enjoy college life.” “I agree. You’re only young once and should experience all that you can while you can,” Josh said. “Anyway the reason I called was to ask if I could come out and stay at the ranch for a while?” Brian asked. He didn’t mention that he really needed to escape from the memories that kept plaguing him; one of which had caused him to have a panic attack like he was some kind of wuss. “I’d love to have you come for a visit,” Josh said enthusiastically. He surmised that there must be some underlying reason, but didn’t think it was his business to ask. If his friend wanted to talk about it, he would. “It’s been way too many years since you’ve been out here. It would be great. Besides, I may not have the ranch too much longer.” “What do you mean you may not have the ranch?” Brian said. “It’s not a financial problem is it?” he asked, concerned for his friend. “Because if it is, I’d like help you out. All you have to do is say the word.” “No Brian, it’s not a money thing. It’s just that dad’s been gone a while and I’m itching to get back to the city full time. You know the only reason I moved here in the first place was for him. I feel a little guilty for even considering selling the ranch to strangers because it’s been in the family for such a long time, but my goal was to never become a rancher; even though I do love being here. Hell, I may even come to regret selling it after I do, but I think it’s something I’ve got to do. Besides, it’ll be sold to strangers once I’m gone anyway, seeing as how Jason will never step foot back here. So I might as well sell it while I’m around; at least then I get to choose who buys it.” “You’ve got a point there, Josh. Have you put it on the market yet?” “Nah, I’ve just been mulling it over in my head for a while. In fact, this is the first time I’ve ever really admitted out loud what I want to do. It’s not like I’m in a rush. One of the best things about the ranch is that I have a good foreman in Charlie Cordell. He’s made things easier throughout the years. So when do you think you can get your city ass out here?” Josh asked, smiling to himself. It would be great to see his friend out at the ranch. Maybe the fresh country air will do him some good; it sure couldn’t hurt. It would give him a chance to get away from some of the memories. “Well, I need a few days to clear my schedule and put things in order here. I have good people to run the place in my absence so that’s not a concern. I’ll give you a call when I have my final plans made.” “That’ll be great. I look forward to having you out here, my friend. The fresh air will do you good. I’ll have that ass of yours in the saddle in no time,” he chuckled. He could almost see Brian wincing at the thought of getting on a horse again. “I’ll also have the aspirin and liniment ready for you,” he laughed out loud. “How thoughtful of you,” Brian said sarcastically but he joined in the laughter as his hand automatically reached down and rubbed his butt, recalling the first time he spent on a horse. “Thanks, Josh,” he said softly. “I appreciate it.” “Anytime. Just call me when you finalize your plans. Take care, Brian.” “You too, Josh,” he replied as he hung up the phone.