Love’s Long Journey
Chapter 2
Brian took a deep breath hoping to give himself strength as he stepped foot into the bedroom he had shared with Christian. He stopped short at the foot of the bed as images and memories assailed him of the times he and Christian had spent making love there. He recalled the first time he realized he was making love and not just fucking. It had been such a revelation to him. Up to that point they had all been just a means to an end and he believed that had been the moment he began to love Christian.
Too tired to undress, he climbed onto the bed fully clothed and let the tears that had gathered run unchecked down his cheeks. He laid his head on his pillow and gathered the one Christian slept on, hugging it tightly to his chest, his lover’s scent still lingering, until he finally fell into an exhausted sleep.
Several hours later Gus awoke, worried about his father. Quietly, he walked down the hall to his room. The door was ajar and he pushed it open a little further. When light from the hall filtering in, he saw his father lying on Da’s side of the bed curled around his pillow. Gus’ eyes filled with tears at seeing the scene, knowing how much pain his dad was in and once again wondered if he would be able to help him.
Gus was the first to get up the following morning. He immediately went to check on his father and found him still sleeping in the same position he had been in the night before. He closed the door, all the way this time, so that any noise he made wouldn’t wake him. He knew his father was exhausted and letting him sleep was best. He was never one to sleep in, except on weekends, and even at that Gus didn’t believe his parents were actually sleeping. There had been a time or two that he remembered standing outside their door ready to knock when he heard soft moans and the cries of pleasure emanating from within their walls. It saddened him to realize his father wouldn’t have the pleasure of those sleep-ins again. If only he could give that back to him, the thought.
Gus had just finished eating breakfast and clearing away his dishes when he heard a knock on the door. He realized it must be his grandparents; they were the only other people who had the entry code to get in without having to call first.
He pulled open the door and was greeted by two exhausted and very sad faces; apparently they hadn’t gotten much sleep either.
“Hey, Grams and Gramps,” Gus greeted, giving his grandmother a kiss.
“Hi Sweetie, how are you?”
“I’m okay, but I don’t think dad is.”
“What’s wrong? Where is he?” she asked.
“Well for one he’s still sleeping and it’s not like him to sleep in this late unless…,” Gus stopped and blushed realizing what he was about to say.
“Huh? Oooh…we understand,” she smiled at her grandson.
“Anything else the matter?” his grandfather asked.
“Well, he went to sleep in his suit and he slept holding Da’s pillow all night,” he said with the innocence of a child who didn’t understand the feelings that one went through who suffered the lost of partner; the other half of their being.
“How do you know that?” the older man asked.
“I was worried about him so I got up several times during the night to check on him, and this morning when I got up and looked in on him I could tell he’d been crying. And another thing; you know how dad is about his clothes, he would never sleep in them like that.”
“That’s true enough Gus, but you have to understand what a traumatic loss your father has suffered and he was exhausted and probably not thinking clearly. It’s normal for people to do things that are out of the ordinary when they’re grieving. It’s best to just give him his time and space and be patient with him,” his grandfather suggested.
“You’re probably right. Do you think he’s going to be okay?” Gus asked, his voice filled with worry.
“He’ll be okay, it’s just going to take a lot of time.”
Gus sighed inwardly, he didn’t feel as confident as his grandparents did. His father had always been the strong one and to see him this way scared him…a lot. “Okay,” he agreed. Like a typical teenager whose stomach was always empty and seeking food, “Do I smell fresh bagels Grams?” Quickly changing the subject as the aroma of the fresh baked treats hit his nose.
“You sure do, Sweetie. We stopped at your favorite shop on the way over.”
“Thanks,” he replied as he grabbed the bag and immediately dove in. “Are you two going to have some?” he said between mouthfuls of the chewy bread.
“We’ve already had our breakfast,” she replied.
“Okay, so why did you come over?” he asked as he munched away on a blueberry bagel.
“Well, we wanted to see how you two were doing, but we also need to discuss the funeral arrangements with your father,” his grandfather explained.
“Oh.” Gus’ heart sank at the thought of having to go over funeral arrangements. He was grateful he wasn’t the one who had to bring up the subject with his dad. He wasn’t sure how his father was going to handle it and he didn’t envy the person who had to broach the matter.
Brian awoke, with a body stiff from sleeping in one position all night. With bleary eyes that felt like sandpaper, he focused on the clock; twelve-thirty in the afternoon. “Fuck,” he said to himself as he realized how long he’d been asleep. For a second he had forgotten about the events of the previous day until he realized he was sleeping alone, then moved to sit at the edge of the bed and scrubbed a hand over his tired face. He went to the bathroom and relieved himself then glancing in the mirror; he shuddered at his appearance. His hair was matted, his suit rumpled and his eyes blood-shot. The sight of tear stained cheeks caused him to breath in sharply as he eyed his ghastly appearance in the mirror. Too exhausted to care, he thought he should go check in on his son. Zombie like, he went to the door and pulled it opened. He heard voices coming from the kitchen and wondered who the hell dared to come over until he recognized the familiar voices of Christian’s parents.
As he appeared in the doorway of the kitchen the trio turned when they heard his footsteps. His usual immaculate appearance didn’t exist. His hair was tousled, his clothes wrinkled and his face unshaven. His eyes were swollen and red, dark circles had formed beneath his normally intense hazel eyes. His completely disheveled look caught all of them off guard. If they didn’t know better, they might have thought he had been out all night drinking. Gus had seen, and the Hamilton’s had heard of a time or two early on in his relationship with Chris, when Brian had fallen into his old form of pain management after his demons or insecurities surfaced. But they also knew that in time, and with Christian’s love he had learned to deal with his past in a more constructive manner.
Gus was the first to find his voice, “Dad, would you like some coffee and a bagel? Grams brought some from the Steinberg’s Deli.”
“Brian, why don’t you come and join us,” Chuck asked.
Brian nodded his head then remembered his appearance. “Let me get cleaned up first and I’ll be back.”
As he turned to leave, the three glanced at one another and let out a collective sigh. All were concerned about getting themselves and Brian through the next few days.
He stood under the hot steamy water and let it cascade over his tired body. He closed his eyes for a second and enjoyed the pulsating stream as it massaged away the stiffness in his muscles. Reaching for the spicy scented soap he squeezed a small amount onto the palm of his hand, and rubbed it over his body, the smell reminding him once again of Christian and before he realized it his tears were mixing with the hot water. How was he going to do this? Everything reminded him of Chris and he felt like a fucking pussy, crying all the time. It was as if he had no control over his emotions. Quickly he finished his shower and toweled himself dry roughly; as if that could help him stop any further memories from entering his thoughts.
Gus placed a cup of coffee and a bagel in front of his dad when he joined them at the table.
“Thank you, Sonny Boy,” he said as he grasped the steamy mug of coffee with both hands so the heat could warm them. He looked around the table and noticed three pairs of concerned eyes watching him and felt a bit uncomfortable under their scrutiny.
Picking at his bagel he asked, “What brings you two by?” He knew exactly what it was, but he wasn’t going to be the one to bring up what obviously needed discussing. He wasn’t sure he could keep it together.
Amanda looked to her husband, giving him a slight nod for him to let Brian know the reason for their visit.
“Brian,” Chuck began, “Mom and I have…” he hesitated a few seconds before he continued. “We’ve been making a few calls this morning to make arrangements for Chris’ funeral.” He looked over at the despondent man and noticed he had gotten even paler, if that was possible. His heart went out to him but he knew they had to bring the subject up and get it out in the open. “We realize you’re Chris’ partner and you should be the one who handles the arrangements but we thought…”
“It’s okay, Chuck,” Brian interrupted. I don’t mind that you’ve gone ahead with the arrangements. You’re his parents and I know you need closure as much as we do. Besides, I’m not sure I could have dealt with it.” He closed his eyes fighting to control his emotions and the tears that threatened to fall. He knew there were all sorts of things that needed to be dealt with, but everything seemed so overwhelming. Just getting out of bed had been a monumental effort, especially when all I wanted to do was bury myself under the covers and pretend that it was all a nightmare. Once he felt he was in control he said, “I would appreciate it if you would let me be there when things need to get done.”
“Sure Brian, we wouldn’t want it any other way.”
Brian nodded his thanks, “ So, what have you done so far?”
This time Amanda spoke up, “We’ve contacted Drew, his Executive Vice President, to handle things at the office for now. Our relatives are being called and the newspaper notice has been placed. We’ve also called the church and had Reverend Michaels make the arrangements for the services. So far it looks like it will be held on Saturday, three days from now. The only item remaining is for us to go to the funeral home to pick out…” She refused to use the word casket; that made everything seem so final. Lucky for her, Brian understood what she was trying to say.
“I’d like to choose and pay for it myself. It will be my final gift to him,” he said his voice choked with pain and sadness. It was bad enough that the Hamiltons were having to do everything else; this was the least he could do. He was so consumed with his own pain and grief that he hadn’t stopped to think how badly Chris’ parents were suffering too. He felt like a selfish prick, but he was having a difficult time moving past his own feelings; he would have to make a concerted effort to think of the others.
“That’s not a problem for us,” Chuck replied as his wife nodded her head in agreement. “We have an appointment with the funeral home at five o’clock today; it’s Rosewood’s Funeral home.
“Okay. Gus and I will meet you there.” He turned to his son who nodded his consent.
Five o’clock rolled around all too soon and father and son found themselves standing inside Rosewood’s Funeral home.
“How can I help you, “ Mr. Rosewood, himself, inquired softly.
“Um…I’m here to meet the Hamilton’s,” Brian replied.
“Ah, yes. You must be Mr. Kinney,” he offered Brian his hand. “I’m sorry for your loss, sir,” he said in a polite voice. “Come this way. They arrived a few minutes ago and are waiting for you in my office. Please follow me,” he directed.
Once they were all seated, Mr. Rosewood went over the items that needed to be done. He confirmed that his employees had retrieved Christian’s body from the hospital and were taking care of him. Brian cringed at the thought of his lover being left in such a cold and sterile place. He shook his head to clear away the dreadful images and focused on the voice of the funeral director.
After discussing the options with Mr. Rosewood, it was decided that the service would be an open viewing; since make-up and such would cover most of the trauma about his face. All they needed was for Brian to bring in whatever items of clothing he would like to have Christian wear and to make his selection of the casket he wanted to lay him to rest in.
Brian took a shuddering breath as Mr. Rosewood led him to the showroom. It was such a macabre task to do, but this was going to be Chris’ final resting place and it needed to be done well. He spotted the one he wanted immediately, and pointed it out to the man getting approval from the Hamilton’s as well. He wrote the check quickly and made a hasty retreat, feeling as if the gruesome place was suffocating him. Once out in the fresh air, he took a deep cleansing breath and cleared his lungs of the smell of death.
As he promised, the following day he and Gus made the trip back to the funeral home to take Chris’ favorite black Armani suit, red, silk Gucci tie, and white silk shirt. A soft smile lit his face for a fraction of a second as he recalled arguing with him over who was the biggest label queen. Along with the items of clothing Brian took the matching gold link ID bracelet that he and Christian had exchanged in place of rings. Brian wanted his lover and he to be united together even in his after life.
For the next few days Brian moved about in a fog. He refused to go into the office, choosing instead to leave things to Cynthia to handle, and he spent most of his time sleeping or just sitting on the sofa staring off into space.
Gus was becoming extremely worried about his father. He barely ate and spoke only if spoken too. Fortunately for them, Amanda stopped by every day to check on them and always made sure to bring meals. Gus knew Christian’s death was hard on them too and he said as much to his grandparents. Admittedly, they agreed, but they felt as if it was their responsibility as parents to put their children first and they would always consider Brian and Gus as their children. They told him they would have plenty of time to grieve later.
The day of the funeral arrived and, ironically, it dawned sunny and bright; a sharp contrast to the dark gloom that blanketed Brian’s heart. He stood before his bathroom mirror after he had showered; his face looked gaunt and tired and the circles under his eyes seemed to have gotten darker. He stared back at his reflection and for the umpteenth time wondered if he was going to make it through the day. Completing his morning ritual, he moved over to his closet and selected a dark-gray, pinstriped suit, pale-gray shirt, and a red silk tie. After he was dressed, he took one last look at himself in the mirror. His eyes caught the glint of light that reflected on his bracelet. He lifted his hand with the bracelet and with gentle fingers of the other lovingly caressed the smooth links as he whispered into the quietness of the room, “Please give me the strength I need to get me through this day.”
Brian and Gus were the first to arrive. Brian had wanted to get to the church early to have some time to prepare himself for the long day ahead. As they entered, Brian’s eyes traveled down the length of the aisle and landed on the imposing, richly-colored, Mahogany casket with the polished brass handles that had been placed below the altar. He staggered slightly as he came to realize that it was Christian’s body laying there. Gus put a supportive arm around his father and gently guided him toward the altar. Then he moved out of the way and sat in the front pew to give his dad some time on his own… but it was more than that. He found it too difficult to see his Da’s lifeless form, and if he was really being honest with himself, it creeped him out.
Brian stood beside the casket softly caressing Christian’s cheek and let his tears flow. Hopefully he could get it out of his system before he had to get up in front of a church full of people and talk about the man he loved. He silently prayed he could make it through his speech without making himself look like too much like a fool. He wanted Christian to be proud of him.
Gus noticed that the church was beginning to fill and went to get his dad. It was amazing at the number of people who had turned out to say their goodbyes. Relatives, friends and business acquaintances from all over came by to pay their respects and once again Brian was reminded of how much of an impression Christian had left on the lives he had touched.
Just before the service was due to start, Brian stepped outside for some fresh air and fortification. Listening to all the well meaning people and their platitudes had pushed him to the end of his wits, and he silently wished he hadn’t given up smoking. He could surely have used a cigarette about now. As he stepped out into the bright sunlight, he gave a mirthless laugh. The day was too perfect to be laying such a beautiful person to rest.
“Dad,” Gus called. “The service is about to begin.”
“Okay Son. I’ll be right in.” Brian took a deep breath and went back inside.
The church had filled until there was standing room only. It made him proud to know that Christian was such a well-respected and beloved man.
Reverend Michaels stood before the congregation and started off with the benediction. He spoke of a benevolent and loving God and the better place Christian was in.
Brian’s eyes focused intensely on the reverend and wondered how he could say that there was a benevolent God; for surely if there was, Christian wouldn’t be lying cold and lifeless in that casket. They would be back in their loft wrapped in each other’s arms making passionate love all day long. No, the better place was right beside him so they could celebrate another ten years of being together. How could this reverend be so wrong? Life was definitely unfair.
The reverend called on Brian and he slowly made his way up to the altar and took his place behind the podium. He grasped either side and squeezed it until his knuckles turned white. He closed his eyes before speaking and when he did his voice became strong and clear.
“I first met Christian over ten years ago, when he walked into my office needing a new ad campaign for his company. It was his beauty that first caught my attention, but as I grew to know him I found that Chris not only possessed a physical beauty but an inner beauty the encompassed his soul and rivaled no other.”
“He was an exceptional businessman, who started in a rundown area of town using money he earned while going to school and working summer jobs, and built it into the Fortune 500 company it is today. He accomplished it all by being a fair and honest man; one who is well respected by everyone that met him. He was a passionate individual who believed that you could overcome and conquer anything with love, kindness, and hard work. His business, and his family, are living proof of that belief. “
“I didn’t realize at the time, that I was truly blessed the day Christian walked into my life. He accepted my son, Gus, and I into his life and his heart without reservation or hesitation. He became my mentor and teacher in learning one of life’s most important lessons. “
Brian paused for a moment and took in a deep, trembling breath. It was proving more difficult with each passing second to keep his emotions under control. He looked over at his family, each of them encouraging him with their watery smiles; they all knew what it took for Brian to be laying his feelings out for all to see.
Clearing his throat he continued, “It was through his infinite patience and gentle guidance that he showed me what loving someone was all about, and brick-by- brick I felt the wall I hid behind crumble, opening my eyes and my heart to love. My life and my son’s life have become richer for having known and for having loved this special man. We will never be same without him.”
Looking down and in a voice husky with emotion, he spoke softly directing the last words to his lover, “I love you Christian with all that I am. Until we meet again.” He stepped from the altar and walked over to where Christian’s body lay, leaned over, and for the last time tenderly pressed a kiss against his lips and whispered, “Thank you for sharing your life with me. I love you…always have…always will.”
When he was once again seated between his son and mother-in-law, she gently took hold of his hand and he let the tears that he had been holding back finally flow.
Reverend Michaels stepped to the altar and said one last prayer, and, as the congregation stood, he went over to the casket and gave Christian his final blessing for eternal peace.
Brian cringed as Reverend Michaels slowly closed the casket and with the snap of the lid, his heart closed as well.