Dreaming of a place with better selection

Inhaling deeply, Justin slides his body downward, letting the warm water reach the top of his head. He could probably die right here. He was tired. People would think it was an accident because of the alcohol he had consumed earlier. It would be called nothing more than a sad, sad, accident. That would be so simple. Eyes squeezed shut, he tries to convince himself to open them, but he can’t. He can’t because he’s afraid it will be like being trapped in his uncle’s car in the dark, murky water in London. But this isn’t London. This is Washington, D.C. And he isn’t trapped in the car, wishing someone to help him. No, he is in a beautiful tub filled with comforting warm water. Justin was finally in control. Control. His lungs were beginning to burn. They felt tight and his stomach hurt. His muscles were tightening and his throat felt constricted…his closed eyes burned and started to twitch. This wasn’t the best way to go. He remembers playing in the pool with Molly and how they would compete to see who could hold their breath the longest. Fingers clenched tightly, his heart beats furiously in his chest and he feels as if he might vomit. His back hurt, his head throbbed. And suddenly, his body involuntarily pushes itself forward. Gasping, Justin sits up and starts to wheeze. The room is bright. Squinting, he looks around. Nothing has changed. He is still in the bathroom. The water is at the edge of the tub and Justin shakily reaches over to turn it off. Leaning back, he exhales slowly before letting his body slide back down underneath the water. ----- ****************---------------------- *****************---- Brian pauses for a moment as he places the phone back on the receiver. “Justin?” He isn’t sure, but he thought he heard a coughing sound from the other room. Standing up, he slowly makes his way towards the bedroom and knocks the door. “Justin?” Opening the door, he sticks his head in, calling a third time, “Jus?” Frowning, he’s surprised to find Justin no longer on the bed. He was sure that his husband would be sleeping. Turning towards the bathroom, he notices that the door his closed. “Justin? You okay?” Sighing, he assumes that Justin is puking from all the alcohol he had consumed that evening on a nearly empty stomach. “Hey, Sunshine, you alright in there?” ------------- ******************** ----------------------------- ******************* The pain is overwhelming and again Justin sits up. Frustrated, he sighs and stares up at the ceiling. He can hear Brian’s voice calling, ‘Hey, Sunshine, you alright in there?’ But doesn’t answer. Instead, he slides under the water again. His husband knocks on the door and enters the bathroom. “Justin?” Seeing Justin under the water causes Brian’s blood to run cold as he stands there for a moment in shock. “Fuckin’ shit!” he screams, running over and quickly pulling Justin out of the tub, tumbling back and falling onto the tiled floor with a wet Justin on top. Coughing up some water, Justin sits up, trying to catch his breath, “Jesus Christ, Brian…” he gasps, coughing some more, “What the hell is your problem?!” Brian sits up, ignoring the pain from the fall, “Fuck, Justin, I thought you past out from all the booze! What the fuck are you doing?!?!” Justin stares at him for a moment. See? It would’ve just been seen as an accident. “What the fuck were you doing?” Brian asks again, his voice softer this time. Swallowing hard, Justin slowly stands up and returns to the tub to pull the drain. “Justin?” Brian asks, feeling something hard in his gut that felt a lot like fear and perhaps denial. Taking a towel, Justin wraps it around his now shivering body, avoiding his husband’s stunned gaze. “Justin… did you….” He can’t continue. He refuses to even imagine the thought that his Sunshine could have deliberately tried to drown himself in the tub. Turning away, Justin reaches for the door when Brian gently touches his shoulder, pushing him back to face him. Slowly, Justin looks up in to his lover’s hurt eyes. “Justin…” Brian’s voice is choked, ragged. “It would’ve been simpler,” Justin whispers softly. Brian shakes his head, wanting to wake up from this nightmare. “You wouldn’t have to ruin your life for me.” He explains: his voice so soft it’s barely audible. “Justin,” Brian begins, his own voice quivering. He can’t believe that this was happening. “Since you’ve met me, Brian…” he continues, “your life has been turned upside down, and it’s only gotten worse.” “No, Justin, that’s not--” Justin cuts him off, “And now you’ve sacrificed more than anyone could ask of a person. You’ve given up so much for me. It’s not fair.” Opening his mouth to speak, Brian is again cut off. “I’m supposed to be dead, Brian.” Shaking his head, Brian wants to shake his husband but instead gently pushes him down to sit on the closed toilet lid. Kneeling down in front of him, Brian takes Justin’s hands in his, “No.” He says softly. “No.” Justin can feel the tears starting to form in his eyes as he nods. “It’ll be better if I just went away… disappeared. Molly could go to a boarding school in Amsterdam and be with her friends there, or she could move to Pittsburgh and be Molly Kinney… it would be so much easier.” “Easier for whom?” Brian asks, his own tears threatening to spill. “For me? Because trust me, Sunshine, I’d be a wreck. It’d be anything but easy. Easier for Molly? To have to bury her brother after everyone else in her life has been murdered? Tell me, Justin,” he asks, his voice becoming angry, “Who would it be easier for?” Justin says nothing and just stares at his hands. “Justin.” Slowly, he looks back at his husband, “I can’t do this anymore,” he whispers. A single tear escapes and slides down his cheek. Brian touches his husband’s cheek, catching the tear. “You’re not doing it alone, remember?” Justin swallows the lump that seems to be getting larger in his throat, “It’s my fault.” Shaking his head, Brian is about to differ when Justin continues. “I wanted to come here. I was being selfish.” “You’re not selfish, Justin.” Ignoring him, he continues, “Olga offered me this opportunity and instead of thinking logically, I just…” “Justin, Hirsshorn is a dream for any artist,” Brian reasons. “It’s because of me we’re here, and if this plan fails then we’re all dead. It’s my fault.” “So by killing yourself you’re going to make it all go away, is that it?” Brian asks, his irritation apparent. “You guys could go on without me.” Justin whispers. Brian shakes his head, “Stop bullshitting me, Justin.” Swallowing, Justin lets a few more tears spill. “Last night I dreamt that I left with Professor West.” Brian forces a smile, trying to make light of the situation, “Now there is a nightmare.” Justin doesn’t smile back. Instead, more tears fall. “He made so much sense, Brian! Everything can just end now if I leave… if I leave, then you can have your life back!” Taking Justin by the shoulders, he lightly shakes his husband as he looks directly into those blue eyes as he announces with certainty, “You are my life, Justin.” Justin stares at him, his own vision becoming blurred by the abundance of tears that begin to overflow. Wrapping his arms around his lover, Brian softly kisses his cheek, whispering, “You’re such a fuckin’ idiot.” “Better than a twat though, right?” Justin chokes out between sobs and chuckles. Instead of answering, Brian picks him up in his arms and carries him back to bed. Once he’s lying down, Justin holds on to Brian tighter, “You hate me.” “I don’t hate you, Justin,” Brian replies, rolling over onto his back so that Justin lies on his chest. They lie there for several minutes, and Brian is sure that Justin is asleep, until the blond announces softly, “I didn’t want to die.” “Could’ve fooled me.” “No, I mean,” Justin stops talking. He knew he wouldn’t make any sense. “I know.” “How?” “I just do.” Brian replies, and he did. In ‘Justin’s logic’ he could understand what his lover had attempted to do what he did, and he also knew that his husband would never have gone through with it. “I wouldn’t have let it get to far,” Justin whispers, afraid to speak to loud and ruin the peacefulness. “I know.” “I just…” “It’s been a shitty few months.” “Yeah.” “And now we’re at the end of the road.” Justin shivers, burying his face in the crook of his husband’s neck. “We can do this.” Brian states, holding his lover tightly. “I hope so.” “Kissing his forehead, Brian inhales his lover’s scent, “We will.” “And if we all die instead?” “C'est la vie.” Sitting up, Justin becomes angry, “How can you be so fuckin’ blasé about this?!” Brian arches his brow, “And attempting to drown in the tub is a better approach?” Straddling Brian, Justin just stares at him. “You are an asshole,” he states seriously. “You’re a drama queen.” “We could be dead tomorrow!” “So why aren’t we fucking?” “Argh!” Justin climbs off the bed, “You’re driving me crazy, Brian!” “Me?” Brian laughs at the absurdity, “Do I have to remind you of what just transpired in the bathroom, Sunshine?” Defeated, Justin drops to the floor. “I’m so fuckin’ tired!” he screams loudly. Sitting up on the bed, Brian nods his head. “This is so fucked up!” Justin continues to rant. “I hate this! I fuckin’ hate this!!” Standing up, Brian walks over to his naked husband. “It isn’t fair! I know life isn’t fair, but what did we do that was so fuckin’ wrong?! Why did this have to happen?!?! It isn’t fair! Nothing is fuckin’ fair and I hate this!” He screams, stopping to inhale a large gulp of air before continuing his tirade, “You could be living your life without hiding! You could be enjoying every day with Gus! You could be with your friends! But Noooo, instead you’re stuck here living a hell called being married to Justin!!” Sitting on the floor, Brian waits patiently. “Molly is just a kid! Just a fuckin’ kid!! Do you have any idea what this does to a kid?!? She’s never going to be the same!!” Finally taking notice that Brian is beside him, he continues to vent, not bothering to lower his voice, “We could’ve been free, Brian! But obviously something or someone out there has it out for us because that asshole Daniel West brought us back into their radar and now what?! Now what?! We might die! We might die because I want my art showcased at the museum!! We might die! And it’ll be my fault!!” He stops, gasping for breath. Grabbing hold of his husband, Brian hugs him tightly, letting his cry out all his anger and frustration. Seconds turn into minutes, and soon Brian isn’t sure how long they have been sitting on the carpeted floor, until finally Justin’s sobs have quieted down to a soft muffle. “Justin,” Brian sighs, “You are not my hell,” kissing his hair, his continues, “I know this sucks. I know it fuckin’ sucks and it isn’t fair and who knows what the fuck is going to happen tomorrow, but,” he stops, gently pushing himself away and lifting Justin’s chin so that he can look at him. “But,” he begins again, “I would never blame you if something were to happen to us.” Shaking his head, Justin is about to speak, when Brian cuts him off. “It’s not your fault. Hell, Jus, I could’ve told you that I thought Hirsshorn was a bad idea. What did I say? Do you remember what I said, Justin?” Justin is silent, though he does remember. “I came up with the plan. I thought Hirsshorn was a great idea on so many levels. Your art is amazing and needs to be shown. And having West involved would help us end all of this shit… if anyone has to point fingers, Justin, then----” “No, Bri--” “Shut up,” he argues softly, “We’re going to get through this. And if it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work. At least we tried, right?” Slowly, Justin nods. “And us being killed is only the worse case scenario. There could be a lot of other shit that can happen… let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Sunshine.” A desperate smile appears on Justin’s face as he admits sadly, “I don’t want us to die.” “Justin…” “In the tub, I thought… I just thought… well here it is…. on my terms…” He wipes away another tear from his wet cheeks. Taking Justin’s face in his hands, Brian leans in and kisses him deeply, reveling in the saltiness from his lover’s tears. Pulling back, he wipes Justin’s cheeks with his fingers, “We can do this, Justin.” Swallowing hard, Justin nods his head. Smiling softly, Brian kisses him once again. “One way or another: we’re doing it together.”