confessions

Brian stares at him for a moment. Not sure how to react. Biting his lower lip, Justin waits. Frowning, Brian shakes his head, “I can’t fuckin’ believe you. I just spilled my guts to you about all that feelings shit you like to hear, and then you drop this shit-bomb on me?” “I didn’t drop a shit-bomb on you, Brian,” Justin states candidly, “If you remember, I specifically asked you about this several times.” Shaking his head again, Brian sits up, “I need a fuckin’ drink.” “Of course you do,” Justin says dryly. Standing up, Brian walks over to the mini bar and pulls out a small bottle of vodka. “Well?” Justin asks as he sits up on the bed. “So now that we’re getting married you get to nag me?” “Yes, it’s a hidden vow,” Justin states in all seriousness, “So tell me, before I create a ‘nagging voice.’ You know, like Michael’s usual tone of voice.” Brian narrows his eyes, but instead of saying anything, he opens the bottle of alcohol and drinks it straight up, hissing from the harsh burn. “Feeling better now?” Justin asks with a smirk. “I might after a few more of these,” Brian answers honestly. Sighing, Justin gestures with his hand, “Fine, get drunk, I really don’t care. But don’t think I won’t continue to pester you while your head is in the toilet.” Finishing the bottle, Brian grabs a few more and returns to the bed. “Shit, this must be serious,” Justin comments, picking up one of the bottle and opening it. Brian takes it from him and gulps it down before nodding, “It is.” Opening another, he adds, “You might reconsider marrying me actually.” Justin’s jaw drops, “Shit, Brian, now you’re scaring me.” Brian looks at the third bottle in his hand, “I’m not feeling anything yet.” “Good, you can tell me before you pass out.” Taking a smaller sip, Brian sighs. He knew Justin was right. He was avoiding…again. “You’re not getting any younger you know, so can you tell me before old age hits?” Justin asks with a sweet smile. Smirking, Brian asks, “Wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?” “Maybe later.” Taking the bottle from Brian’s hands, he asks again, “What was the deal about?” Sighing, Brian leans back against the pillows and closes his eyes. He can still picture using his knife on them… a knife that was still in his jacket pocket. Shit, he still had to get rid of that. Curling up against his lover, Justin whispers, “You can tell me, Brian. I promise we can get through it, whatever it is.” Brian smirks, “You really are a blonde.” “Ha ha,” Justin notes sarcastically, “Now if you’re done, can we talk about the deal?” Groaning, Brian frowns. He would much rather do anything else, “How about we talk more about feelings?” “Shut up.” Brian is silent. Sighing, Justin kisses Brian’s chest. “Does it have something to do with that couple that was murdered?” Brian bites the inside of his cheek, the memories flooding him once again. “Yes,” he whispers. Justin squeezes his eyes shut, taking a deep breath before continuing, “What did they make you do?” Brian exhales slowly, remembering the fear etched on Lilly’s face when she found out his plan. “Um,” Brian swallows with difficulty. “This guy… one of the men hired to kill you and Molly… he… he wanted to kill Thomas and Lilly, but his boss wouldn’t let him.” Justin can feel the dread building in his stomach. He lightly kisses Brian’s chest once again and holds him tighter in his arms. Brian squeezes back, needing the support before continuing. “So we made a deal.” Justin waits. He knows there’s more. The tears sting in Brian’s eyes, but he wills them not to fall. “Jerry… that was the guy… he said that if I killed Thomas and Lilly, and made it look like a robbery… then he would go back and tell his boss that you and Molly died by his own hands… that he shot you both and destroyed all the evidence, including your bodies, in Birmingham.” Justin stares straight ahead. Did he hear that right? “I told Carl about it…” Justin realizes he’s crying, but ignores the steady stream of tears as he forces himself to listen. “And he spoke to some of the British police officers…and we decided to stage it… kind of.” “Kind of?” Justin asks warily. Brian nods, closing his eyes. “I had to make it look like a murder… I had…I had to...hurt them.” “Hurt them?” Justin whispers; too frightened to raise his head. “I needed to make sure there was enough blood… so that if Jerry, or one of Jerry’s men, came to the scene, it would look like there weren’t any survivors.” Brian gently pushes Justin away, not wanting to be touched as the memories keep flooding his mind. Sitting up, Justin takes his hand, “So what did you do?” he asks quietly, his mind running a mile a minute. “I…” taking a deep breath, he keeps his eyes closed, “First I knocked out Lilly, and when Thomas came in the room, I put a gun to her head so that he wouldn’t do anything stupid, like scream…” Scream Justin thought to himself. He felt like screaming right now, but instead, slides his body closer to Brian’s while to continues to hold his hand. Taking another deep breath, Brian exhales slowly, “I explained the situation to him, hoping that he would understand… I don’t know… I wanted this to be simple…” “Doesn’t sound very simple,” Justin comments quietly. “But he panicked. He started to hyperventilate…and I tried to calm him down, but I was so angry… and impatient because this wasn’t how it was supposed to be… and he past out.” Justin closes his eyes in disbelief. “While he was unconscious… I took the knife I had in my pocket…and…” Wrapping his arms tighter around his lover, Justin buries his head against him, wishing that Brian never had to go through this trauma. “I cut him… first his arms…I tried to avoid any major arteries… and I would fling his arms around after cutting them so that the blood would splatter.” He stops trying to choose his words carefully and decides it’s best to just detach from the memory all together. He continues, his voice void of emotion, “I kept slicing and splattering the blood until I was sure there was enough… I didn’t want to kill him…I had to work fast with Lilly because he had lost a lot of blood…” Justin, noticing that Brian has detached himself from the memory, looks up at him and caresses his cheek. “Lilly woke up…she was so scared… I didn’t want her to lose the baby.” Justin nods, kissing Brian’s cheek. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “I had to hit her because she kept shrieking…and,” he opens his eyes, staring vacantly ahead. “And then I started to cut her as well.” Closing his eyes, Justin lowers his head, trying to keep from sobbing. Looking up, he kisses Brian again, “It’s over now, Brian.” “I left them there, bleeding… and I called Carl… and then I called Jerry…” Climbing over Brian, Justin lets his injured leg hang off the bed while he straddles his lover, “Look at me, Brian,” he calls softly. Brian closes his eyes. “I don’t know if they lived… if the baby lived… the plan was that they’d go into the witness protection program…if I didn’t fuck up and kill them.” “Look at me,” Justin quietly instructs again. Brian inhales deeply, exhaling slowly. His eyes remain closed. “Brian,” Justin takes his lover’s face into his hands, “Look at me.” Slowly, Brian opens his eyes, letting a few tears fall. Smiling sadly, Justin kisses Brian’s mouth. “It’s okay, Brian.” Brian shakes his head and tries to turn away, but Justin keeps a good hold on him. “I want you to look at me, Brian.” Slowly, Brian meets his gaze. “I love you.” He nods numbly. “I am so fuckin’ sorry that you had to do that… I am so incredibly, fuckin’ sorry that you went through all of that… and I am grateful, and I am sorry… and… fuck, Brian…” Justin’s tears flow easily as he kisses his lover again, “It’s over now, Brian. Do you hear me?” Brian doesn’t respond. “Brian, listen to me,” Justin kisses his mouth again, “It’s over. Everything is okay now. And if it isn’t, then it will be. Do you hear me?” Slowly, Brian finally looks at the young man in front of him. “Did you hear me?” Justin asks again. Slowly, Brian nods his head, and gradually, a small, sad smile appears on his face. “I love you, Brian.” Nodding, Brian finally lets the tears fall. Hugging him tightly, Justin whispers in his ear, “I love you so much…it’s going to be okay, I promise you…everything is going to be okay.” Closing his eyes, Brian nods his head, and somewhere, deep inside of him, he knows that Justin is right.