Slamming the brakes of his jeep, Brian stops the car and quickly runs out towards the lake, grabbing onto the rail for support. Gasping for air, he chokes back from vomiting over the dam. Jesus Christ... Fuck...Fuck.. Fuck... Closing his eyes, he tries to focus on his breathing.
Kinney, you fucker! What did you do?! Opening his eyes, he stares down at the reservoir below, across from the water management site. "What are you doing, Kinney?" he asks himself quietly, already knowing the answer. Fucking up my life. Straightening up, he looks up to the sky. I don't deserve Justin. That's what it is. I just don't deserve him. He wants someone who can tell him all those things that he wants to hear... I can't do that. I won't do that. It's not who I am. It's not who Brian Kinney is. Brian Kinney doesn't do romance! Brian Kinney doesn't do relationships! "Fuck!" He hated knowing that it was all bullshit.
I don't blame you, asshole! Shaking his head, he wishes he has a ciggerate. Fuck. What he really wishes for is to have Justin.
The anger and rage that Brian felt was overwhelming. I opened myself up to that bastard! I let him in... that fucker! Ripping the bracelet off his wrist, Brian flings it over the railing and across the lake, watching it skid and then sink into the water. "Fuck you, Ahmed," Brian whispers vehemently.
Catching his breath, he stares down at the lake. Fuck you, Ahmed. Fuck your parties. Fuck your friends. Fuck your dead wife. Fuck you and I hope you're fuckin' dead too. His eyes burned. Fuck it, Kinney. Don't waste your tears on THAT. Bringing his hands back to the railing, he looks down at his wrist. Fuck. The bracelet was gone. Looking back at the lake, it finally registers on his brain. It's gone. He didn't know whether to scream, cry, jump into the lake to find it, or get in his jeep and drive. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. What did I just do? Oh fuck. Looking back at his wrist, it feels empty.
"No shit, Sunshine." Taking another deep breath, he continues to look down at his wrist. Fuck. He had kept those memories locked in that bracelet. Reminding him of what he once was and what he let himself become once Ahmed had broken his heart. I am Brian Kinney. That statement used to mean something, at least to him, but now it felt more like a curse than anything else. At least with the cowry bracelet Brian felt that he had some sort of control...that he wanted these things to happen. Looking back at the lake, he can feel a tear escaping and sliding off his cheek. His bracelet, his shield, was gone. That was me. I just threw myself away.
Nodding, Brian knew Justin was right. He had to believe that Justin was right. It's just a bracelet. It doesn't mean shit. It was just a stupid bracelet. That's it...
Brian rubs his other hand against his empty wrist. How many fuckin' years...
Turning around, Brian stares at his jeep. I don't need a bracelet to tell me who I am... I know who I am. I know who I am. And I know what I want. Fuck Ahmed. Fuck it all. I don't need that shit. And I don't need a fuckin' bracelet to tell me how I'm supposed to feel. I don't need a bracelet to protect me. It's a fuckin' bracelet. It isn't me. I don't need it to remind me of anything I don't already know... and what I know is... is that...I want Justin.
Heading back to the jeep, Brian knows he's made the right decision. But will Justin still be there?