That fucker. I’m such an idiot. How could I have thought that maybe… shit, fuck it. Why did I even fuckin’ bother with that twink?… fuck… Gulping down his drink, Brian scans the bar. Losers. All of them are fuckin’ losers… not even worth my time. Staggering to his feet, Brian walks out and into the street. He needed to make this feeling go away. He couldn’t stand it. The image of Justin, half-naked, with his head laying across some guy’s lap… some guy that he was suddenly dating? How did this happen? When did this happen? That little shit…. Stumbling through an alley way, Brian makes his way to the baths. Even drunk, Brian knew this short-cut well.
“Hey, where are ya heading?” a stranger calls out. Brian ignores him, steadying himself against the wall as he continues to walk along the pebbled path. The man continues to follow him, asking, “Looking for a party?”
“Fuck off,” Brian finally manages to mumble, nearly losing his balance, but continuing his trek towards the baths.
The man chuckles softly, “We can play that too…”
Stopping, Brian slowly turns around, resting his head against the cold, brick wall. He stares at the man standing in front of him, and asks in his usual bored fashion, “Whatcha got?”
He smiles, taking a step closer to him, “What do you need?”
Brian smirks. This will do.
~~~~~
Daphne stops suddenly as she watches Justin outside of his classroom. Waiting for a few minutes, she finally continues towards him once the man he was talking to leaves. She finds him still leaning against the wall with a huge smile on his face. Turning to her, he asks, “Isn’t he fuckin’ incredible?”
She laughs, “Who was he?”
Sighing, he answers, still smiling, “Felipe Morales."
She laughs, “Okay, so who’s Felipe?”
Straightening up, Justin exclaims, “Only one of the most talented up and coming artists of all time!”
“Really.”
He nods, excited, “Daphne, you have to see his work. It’s incredible what he can do with his hands.”
Smiling, she teases, “I bet.”
Blushing, he looks away for a moment before continuing, “He was here giving a presentation for my class… it was amazing. He’s amazing!”
She nods, “Uh-huh, so it’s now 'Carter-who' and 'hello-Felipe'?”
He laughs, shaking his head, “Not exactly… Felipe lives in New York… but he did invite me to see some of his art up there… he even gave me his phone number.”
“Fuck!” she jokes. “You’re like a magnet.”
He laughs, blushing.
“You’re really enjoying yourself, aren’t you?”
He grins, “And why shouldn’t I? I deserve it.”
She agrees, “Yeah, you do. Go for it, Justin!”
Laughing, he nods, “I am!… Daphne, it just feels so great. I mean, everything finally feels like it’s coming into place… it’s like I’m finally leading a normal life!”
She smiles, “I’m really happy for you, Justin. It’s good to see you smiling again.”
He smiles, “Why thank you, Daphne, it’s good having a reason to smile again.”
Checking her watch, she comments, “I have to run to class.”
He nods, “Me too… I have one more today and then I’m free.”
“Cool. Unfortunately, I have this class and another one to go to today.”
He sympathizes, “Poor you.”
Shrugging, she states, “I’ll live. So what are your plans for the rest of the day after you finish your last class?”
He ponders, “You know, I don’t know… I guess I’ll just go with the flow or something…”
“You could find Felipe.”
He shakes his head, smiling again, “No… he’s leaving to go back to New York later tonight…I don’t know what I’ll do… but I’ll figure something out....”
She nods, “Well, call me tonight if you’re home. I’m refusing to go out until I finish the paper that’s due on Wednesday.”
He nods, “Sure.”
Walking away from Daphne, Justin tries to decide what to do once he leaves his next class. What he really wanted to do was see Brian, but no way in hell… I can’t wait around for him forever. I’m living my own life… he can keep his.
~~~~~~~~~
Stumbling into the loft, Brian goes immediately to his stash of E. It didn’t seem to matter how many drugs he took or how many tricks he was fucking… Justin continued to enter his mind. Fuck him… He didn’t need him. I don’t fuckin’ need anyone… Tumbling onto his bed, Brian groans. The pain in his head would not go away. He knew he had to return to the office later in the afternoon, but right now all he could think about was erasing the throbbing ache in his head. Justin. How could Justin have done this to him? How could I have let him do this to me? Rolling over to his back, he stares at the ceiling. Fuck. He couldn’t believe this was happening. Brian Kinney is actually fuckin’ jealous. No fuckin’ way… no… no fuckin’ way… it must be the drugs. He closes his eyes. Jealousy. Fuck that. Why the fuck should I be jealous?
Biting his lip, Brian shook the thought away. See what happens? See what happens when you open yourself up?...remember THAT, Kinney. That's what happens. He didn't see Justin as a whore though. He just... he...fuck, look at that, I'm making fuckin' excuses for him... dammit.
Sitting up, he decides to just call Cynthia and tell her he's sick in bed. I can't do this.
~~~~~~
Justin happily closes the door behind him as he walks into his bedroom. Classes were finally over for the day. Sitting on his bed, he pulls out his sketch book and decides to unwind with some art. His mind races with so many different things to create on paper. Smiling to himself, he heads over to the art room, where he keeps his easel and all his supplies.
He was in a great mood. What a great day I've been having... the only thing that could make it better... He stops, his smile disappearing. Stop it, Justin. He had to stop thinking about Brian. Brian is just a bad habit. Sighing, he pulls out all of his various pastels: the conte crayons, the sanguine, and the dark pastels, and prepares to begin his piece. He wasn't sure what exactly he was planning to draw, but he knew it would come to him as soon as he had the instruments in his hand.
Justin sketched maddeningly across the drawing paper, his eyes fixed on the colors and lines that he was directing across the page.
Brian lay on his back, not taking his hazel eyes off of his lover's dark blue ones. Justin leaned down and took Brian's hard cock inside his mouth, sucking the big round head and swirling his tongue around the tip before swooping down and swallowing the whole shaft, which elicited a loud cry from Brian: "Jesus Christ!" Brian watched Justin's red plump lips moving up and down his stiff cock, while his fingers massaged Brian’s balls.... Justin glanced up, feeling Brian's eyes on him. He smiled softly and continued to suck on Brian's throbbing cock, watching Brian's facial expressions.
Justin nearly screamed when someone knocks on the door. Catching his breath, he looks down at his creation. Fuck. It was filled with wild and intense contrasts of colors and lines... yet throughout the maze stood up one detailed feature... Brian's eyes. Fuck. His knees trembled just looking at the picture.
The knocking persisted. Wiping his hands with a paper cloth, Justin rubbed the rest of the color off his hands onto his jeans. "Who is it?" he calls, walking over to the door.
"It's me," Brian answers, obviously annoyed at having to answer, "Open the fuck up."
Fuck. Justin stood there for a few seconds,
(memory)
Jumping back, Justin blinks a few times, trying to shake the memory away. Numbly, he answers, “Coming…,” and continues his slow pace to the door. Irony has a sense of humor.
Irritated, Brian kicks the door.
(memory)
“I swear I’m going to break this fuckin’ door down!”
Justin quickly opens it, expelling a shaky breath.
Brian looks him over, commenting, “What, did I fuckin’ wake you up?” and strolls in without another word.
“Gee, Bri, come on in,” Justin states sarcastically, shutting the door behind him.
Brian turns around to face him, crossing his arms, "So, when were you planning to tell me?" That's great, Kinney, act like you care... you fuckin' twat.
Justin cocks his head to one side. Is he trashed? "About what?" Jesus, he's fuckin' wasted. "Brian, what did you take?" Will he ever learn?
Ignoring the last question, Brian sticks to the first one, "Calvin Klein," he spits out.
Justin smiles widely, "You know? Oh my God, how?" and then starts to laugh, "It was supposed to be a surprise!"
"A surprise?" Brian repeats, wanting to shake Justin. Are you fuckin' sick?
He continues to smile, "Well now that you know, what do you think?"
Brian stares at him, "You really want to know?"
Justin's smile begins to fade, maybe not. "Maybe once those drugs you took wear off." Walking past him, he returns to the art room and quickly puts his sketch in a drawer.
Brian follows him, "So how is he?"
Confused, Justin asks, "Who?" Taking another paper towel, he tries to remove the rest of the color off his skin to no avail. Walking over to the sink, he's about to turn on the water when Brian answers, his voice cold.
"Your new fuck."
Turning around, Justin isn't sure he heard correctly, "Excuse me?"
Brian takes a step closer, "Your new fuck. How is he?"
He forces a laugh, not sure where Brian's question is coming from, "I have no idea what you're talking about, Brian."
Brian nods, biting the inside of his cheek, "Right."
Justin shakes his head, "Honestly, Brian, I don't," then poises, "But wait..."
Brian stops, This better be good.
He starts to laugh, "You think I'm seeing someone?... and you're upset?... holy shit," he shakes his head again, still laughing, "Brian Kinney is jealous?"
"You're a fuckin' hypocrite," Brian states with pure venom in his voice.
Justin stops laughing, and crosses his arms, "Oh am I?"
Brian walks closer towards him, wanting to scream at the top of his lungs. "You went on and on about wanting only one person in your life... and meanwhile you were fuckin' some model on the side, while fucking me... and the fiddler."
Justin stares at him, speechless. Finally he mutters, "What?"
Brian shakes his head, disgusted, "Fuck off, Justin... just fuck off," and starts to head back to the door.
Justin runs after him, grabbing his arm, "Wait!" Brian stumbles, nearly falling over Justin as they both hit the wall. Stepping back, Justin argues, "I have no idea what in the hell you are talking about!"
He laughs, "Christ, save that innocent shit for someone who doesn't know you, Justin."
Justin doesn't know what to say, "Brian, did you drive yourself over here ?! You're fuckin' drunk, wasted and who knows what else...If you want to leave, FINE, but let me call you a taxi first, then you can get the fuck out."
Brian stares him down. Justin stays firm, refusing to look away though he could feel his cheeks deepening in color. Brian smirks, finally asking, "Why, is your model-fuck coming?"
Exasperated, Justin screams, "Who in the hell are you talking about?! I'm not fucking any model!!!"
Brian wishes he hadn't thrown the photo away so that he could shove it in Justin's face, "The Calvin Klein model!"
Justin stops. Staring at Brian, he can only blink, absorbing what Brian has just said to him. And then, he starts to laugh.
"What the fuck is so funny?" Brian snaps.
Justin continues to laugh, "You think I'm fucking Travis?... Jesus Christ, Brian! When was the last time you spoke to Emmett? Don't you ever pay attention?"
Brian rolls his eyes. Enough with the lecture. "Fuck it, what?"
Chuckling, Justin exclaims, "Travis is Emmett's boyfriend!"
Brian stares at him, and Justin can see that he doesn't get it. So he tries again, still trying to hold back from laughing hysterically, "Emmett invited me to one of Travis' shoots. The photographer asked me if I was interested in working with him and Travis on another design they were doing, I said 'yes,' and that was that." Justin can't stop from laughing again, "Oh my God, Brian, you thought we were fucking? Holy shit!"
Brian watches him laugh, his expression unreadable. Finally, he starts to walk away. Justin calls after him. "No, wait, Brian, come back!"
Ignoring him, Brian continues to door. Justin chases him, grabbing his arm, "Wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh."
Brian slowly turns to face him, his expression still emotionless, but tight. Justin smiles softly, repeating, "I'm sorry. It was sweet."
"What?" All Brian wanted to do was leave. How in the fuck could I have just done that? Fuck!
Still smiling, Justin leans in closer, "That you care."
He scoffs, "I don't care."
Chuckling, Justin shakes his head, enunicating each word, "You care."
"The fuck I do," Brian announces softly.
His smile doesn't fade as he lets go of Brian's arm and returns to the art room. Brian watches him. Fuck. Before he knew it, he was following him back into the room. "What were you drawing?" Just change the subject and then go, Kinney.
Justin can feel himself starting to blush again, "Nothing." He quickly looks away, making sure that Brian doesn't notice his flushed cheeks.
"Then why are you covered in chalk?" Yeah, let's see you squirm a bit, brat.
Justin continues to keep his back to him, correcting, "It's powder, from the pastels and sanguine."
Whatever the fuck. "So what were you drawing?"
Forcing a smile, Justin turns back to Brian, "Just doodling."
"Doodling?"
He nods, "Just doodling."
Brian smiles, remembering that conversation from years before. Turning around, he begins to pick up the different art materials, pretending to be interested in them.
Justin turns back to the desk, pulling out a clean sheet of textured paper. Brian glances back to see Justin blending different colors onto the paper.
"What are you doing?" Brian asks, amused when Justin jumps in surprise at finding Brian directly behind him.
Recovering, Justin answers, "Just trying out some new color ideas." Just breathe, Justin.
Brian continues to stand behind him, watching Justin blend the colors together with his fingertips. Justin tries to stay focused, but the feeling of Brian's breath on the nape of Justin's neck was making his knees weak.
"Um, Brian?" Justin tries.
"Hmm?" Brian asks.
Focus...focus... "Um," Say anything! "So what did you think about the Calvin Klein ad?"
Brian continues to breathe against Justin's neck, knowing the effect it was causing and liking it.
Sighing softly, Justin puts down the pastel, "I'm going to wash my hands..." and walks away. Just keep walking.
Brian smiles inwardly, watching Justin head to the bathroom. Following him through the bedroom, he decides to wait for him on the bed. His headache was starting to come back, and he knew it was because the drugs were losing their effect. Fuck. He hated that feeling.
Closing his eyes, he lies down on the bed, listening to the water run in the other room. So he isn't seeing anyone... right?... he didn't say that though... fuck... should I ask?... why in the fuck should I ask?... I don't care... right?... fuck, yes I do.
Justin returns to the bedroom to find Brian asleep. He smiles, watching him for a few minutes. Brian was jealous. Watching Brian sleep made him want to join him. But I'm not even tired. Returning to the bathroom, he decides to just take a shower. It looked like Brian would be sleeping for awhile.
Turning on the shower, Justin slowly undressed, thinking about how Brian reacted to the picture of him and Travis. He cares. Why won't he just admit that he cares?
Entering the shower, he thinks back to when he was drawing the picture earlier. Fuck... He could still feel Brian's fingers...
Fuckin' tease. Justin thought with amusement. Brian always knew how to bring Justin to the brink before...
The jeep. So many memories in that Jeep. Justin sighs softly, leaning against the glass. He needs to stop thinking about this, but he can't.
The sound of the door jolts Justin back into reality as he gasps and turns around. Through the steam he can see an outline of a figure: Brian. Justin's heart leaps into his throat. Oh fuck.
Justin watches Brian's figure enlarge as he walks towards the glass doors. Justin’s grateful that the shower’s glass isn’t smooth like the one in the loft. Instead, this one has designs cut into the glass, preventing Brian from seeing Justin whole, and instead only as colored shadows. Biting his lower lip, Justin stares at Brian's image. Oh God.
Brian opens the glass door. Justin stares at Brian's naked body in front of him. Oh my God.
Brian watches his reaction. He likes it. Fuck, yes. He needed him. Now. Stepping inside, the warm water cascades off of Justin's skin and onto Brian's chest. It felt good.
Justin swallows hard, trying to keep from shaking. oh God... oh fuck... I want him... now... I need him... to feel... oh God...
Without a word, Brian takes Justin by the shoulders and turns him around to face the glass. Justin prepares himself, resting his palms against the glass as he hears Brian rip open the condom. Fuck words.
Holding his own cock in his hand, Brian uses it to spread the lube around Justin's hole.
"Mmmmm." Justin feels lost for words. Oh fuck... just fuck me... please... oh God... He moans once Brian pushes himself inside. Justin nearly slides off the glass. Oh my God Delicious.
Brian rests inside of him for a moment, breathing his own sigh of relief. I needed this. Fuck, he feels so good.
Justin closes his eyes, sighing, "Brian?..." Feels so incredibly good...so right...
He doesn't care anymore, "I miss..." Don't say it. Brian stops himself. That was as far as he was going to say it. It wouldn't get any more raw that that.
"I know...I...." Justin rasps.
Brian pulls out halfway, hearing Justin groan. Yes... He plunges back inside of him with a long, smooth thrust.
"Oh God..." Justin moans.
Brian picks up speed, his cock pulling almost completely out and pushing all the way in again, his balls pressed tight against Justin ass cheeks. In and out, plowing into Justin's hole mercilessly.
"Oh fuck...yes...Brian!" Justin yells, riding the waves of pleasure with him. Oh God... this is...this is...no fuckin' words.
Grabbing Justin's cock with his hand, Brian pulls on it hard, rotating his hips against Justin's ass and driving his thick cock even deeper inside of Justin. I don't want this to ever fuckin' end... Justin meets his lover's deep thrusts, stroke for stroke. The inferno was starting to consume them as Justin felt the intense pressure inside his stomach climbing down towards his dick. He knew he was going to cum at any moment now. Pushing up, he clamps his asshole tightly around Brian's pumping cock, filling the bathroom with echoes of wet, slapping sounds.
"Oh shit... fuck..." Brian gasps. The feeling was so overwhelming he felt dizzy. If I die now, God, it would be worth it... Shoving further into him, Brian fucks him harder, wanting to be so deep inside of him that he would disappear. Oh fuck... yes... Justin... Justin...
Justin shudders, shooting his cum into Brian's hand. With one last thrust, Brian's own explodes into the condom inside Justin. "Oh... God..." Justin finds himself saying as he falls against Brian, his own body still trembling from the ecstasy.
Brian pulls out. Not sure what he should say, so he says nothing at all. Stepping out of the shower, he picks up his clothing and leaves the bathroom.
Justin slides down to the bottom of the tub, unable to stop shaking. What just happened? Reaching up, he turns off the water. What just happened? Nothing was making sense anymore. Crawling out of the shower, he pulls down a towel and wraps it around his waist. Something wasn't right.
He finds Brian getting dressed in his bedroom. What's happening? "Brian?" He asks softly.
Brian glances back at him before continuing to button up his shirt, and brushing back his wet hair with his hands.
"Are you leaving?" Justin asks, trying not to show the pain in this voice.
Brian turns his attention to his shoes. Sitting on the bed, he puts them on, quietly answering, "I have to go back to the office."
Justin nods, fighting back the tears. But you said that you missed... missed what?...Fucking?
Brian knew Justin was upset. Fuck. Why am I doing this to him? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He can't help it. This is who I am.
Walking over to him, Justin stops in front of the bed. Brian looks up, forcing himself not to react to Justin's hurt eyes. Justin says nothing. Tell me...anything.
Brian looks away, putting his other shoe on. Dammit, Kinney. Say something to him! Why can't you just say something?!
Justin doesn't move. I should have said 'no.' I wanted it... he wanted it... but I wanted HIM more than it... he just wanted 'it.' Brian won't change, will he?
Standing up, Brian avoids Justin's gaze and walks out of the bedroom. Justin follows him. Reaching for the knob to leave the apartment, Brian stops himself. Fuck. Say something. Anything, Brian. Don't leave it like this. Fuck!
Fighting back the tears, Justin speaks up, "Say something, asshole."
Brian closes his eyes for a moment, then slowly turns to face Justin. Opening the door, he quietly states, "I'm glad you're not fucking Travis," and closes the door behind him.
Justin smiles softly.