Brian had to leave. He couldn’t stay watching Justin sleep through the late afternoon into the evening. It was making him restless. Lying there, watching him sleep. The restlessness, however, wasn’t due to the passing time: it was due to fear. Being there, like that, scared him to the point he could barely breathe.
Justin felt safe in Brian’s arms. Safe. He trusted Brian. Trust. The worst part about it however, was that it felt good. Not just comfortable, but good.
How could this have happened? I am Brian Kinney! I don’t believe in that shit. That’s for fuckin’ fairy tales or shit like that… not for me… But there he was, feeling at total peace in Justin’s bed, with Justin in his arms… and they hadn’t even fucked!
Brian had to leave. He didn’t care if it would mean having to jump out of a window; it just had to be done. He couldn’t let Justin see him still there when he woke up. What would he say? Gee, I dunno, how about: "it just felt so nice watching you sleep?".. fuck that. That’s just what I fuckin’ need… fuck…what the fuck is wrong with me? I’m Brian Kinney, not a fuckin’ sappy willow or some lovey-dovey shit like that… fuck that shit…
So he went out, grabbed some dinner, and prepared himself for a full night's worth of fucking, popping pills, more fucking, and a lot more drugs.
~~~~~~
Sunday seemed to have come and gone without him. And now it was Monday, and Brian could only think about Justin. Fuck. He couldn’t understand it. How does he do it? How does he fuckin’ do it?… how does he make me care?.. I don’t care. I can’t. I won’t. But he needed to see Justin again. I should’ve called at least. He probably thinks I blew him off… that’s good… right?… fuck… yeah, I want him to think that… right, of course.. I mean, let’s be honest, I’m Brian Kinney. I don’t do serious relationships… not like what he wants… I’m not going to give up who I am… not for anyone… He didn’t want to go to work. He wanted to go to the gallery. Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Fuck! He scowls, I need more drugs: that must be it. But he had a meeting with Alec this morning. That fuckin’ prick. He was tempted to just cancel it and tell Gardner that Alec wasn’t worth the added expense of bringing him on board. But as tempting as that was, he knew Cynthia would gnaw his ass about it for months.
Stumbling into the shower, Brian leans against the glass. He had to wake up, he couldn’t keep coming in to work looking like he had spent the entire night fucking and doing drugs, even though he had. He had a reputation to uphold: Brian Kinney, brilliant advertising partner by day, and Brian Kinney, sex god by night. It was a tough job but he wasn’t complaining. Stifling a yawn, he turns on the water and forces himself to wake up. He wasn’t going to let his reputation die over a twink living above some gallery. No fuckin’ way. Pouring some shampoo into his palm, Brian massages it into his hair. His head was killing him. What was that shit Justin used to make when I had a hang over?… fuck, that stuff tasted like shit but it fuckin’ worked… Chuckling, he imagines Justin’s face if he were to call him now and ask him for the recipe. The expression alone is almost enough to make Brian want to pick up the phone. But he resists. No. He wasn’t going to go back to how it once was. That’s not me. Justin was everything Brian was afraid of and desired at the same time. And that scared the shit out of him. Why am I letting him to get to me like this? He said he’s okay. He doesn’t need my help. He’s doing fine without it. Why am I still wanting to see him? What the hell is wrong with me?… fuck, I’m like a fuckin’ masochist or something… Rinsing out the shampoo, his thoughts continue to center around Justin. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need him, fuck, why am I even thinking this? It’s obvious that I don’t need him.
*****
Picking at her bagel, Daphne asks, “So should I call him?”
Justin smiles, “Duh!”
“But what if he was just being polite?” she asks nervously.
Justin shakes his head, “Daphne, a guy doesn’t just give you his number and ask you to call him sometime to be polite.”
Frowning, she nods, “I guess…”
Rolling his eyes, Justin starts to laugh, “The guy likes you, Daphne, it’s so obvious!”
Blushing, she asks, “You think so?”
He shakes his head, “Daphne, wake up and call the guy already.”
She giggles, nodding, “Okay… see, wasn’t it a great idea to go to Daisy’s birthday party yesterday?”
Smiling, he nods, “Yes, Daphne, as usual,” he sighs loudly for effect, “you were right.”
Laughing, she claps her hands, “Aren’t I always?”
He arches his eyebrow, deciding not to comment on that one. Taking a bite of his bagel, he thinks back to the weekend. I don’t know why I expected Brian to have been there when I woke up… that was just stupid, wishful thinking… but he could’ve at least called… Daphne had convinced him to go to one of her classmate’s birthday party that Sunday. He hadn’t wanted to go, but at the same time, he wanted to just in case Brian did show up… I couldn’t let him think I was just sitting around waiting for him, because I’m not. I’m not going to wait for him. I’m living MY life… but how could he just leave like that? …so fuckin’ rude. But what did I really expect?
“Justin? Justin, are you listening to me?”
Blinking a few times, he focuses his attention back on her, “I’m sorry, what?”
Shaking her head, she scolds, “Really, Justin.”
He smiles sheepishly, “My bad. What did you say?”
Sighing, she repeats her question, “What happened with you and that guy? You two seemed pretty close at the party.”
Justin smiles, feeling his cheeks turn red, “You mean Carter?”
“Was that his name?” she asks with interest.
His smile widens, nodding, he answers, “Yes… his name is Carter… and he’s a film student.”
She nods, leaning in closer, “And?”
He shrugs, looking away, but still smiling, “I dunno… he was nice…”
Giggling, she nods, “Yeah, he was nice…and he seemed pretty into you too.”
He nods, blushing, “Yeah…” Carter was one of the guests at the party. He had spotted Justin at the bar and struck up a conversation with him… after a few drinks things got a little more intimate, but nothing too serious. However Carter definitely wanted to see him again.
“Maybe we can double?” she suggests.
Justin bursts out laughing, “Oh my God, you did not just say that, did you? Oh my God!”
She pouts, “What?”
Shaking his head, he tries to stop laughing, but just ends up laughing harder than before.
Daphne smiles, “Whatever, Justin, really…”
He nods, covering his mouth as he forces himself to stop laughing, “Sorry, please continue...”
She shakes her head, “So are you going to see him again?”
He shrugs, he had a great time with Carter, but he wasn’t sure if he was someone he’d want to spend time with outside of a party setting, “I dunno. He gave me his number, but I don’t know if I’ll call him… we’ll see.”
Smiling, she jokes, “Tease.”
****
“Good morning, Mr. Kinney,” Alec greets warmly as he enters Brian’s office, briefcase in hand.
Brian forces a smile, but doesn’t bother getting up from his desk. His head was pounding, “What can I do for you?” he asks, please not anything that requires my attention…
Alec smiles, sitting down in front of his desk. “Well as I told you at our last meeting, I’ve done some work for Calvin Klein.”
He nods, rubbing his eyes, “Right, your sister or someone like that works for someone who works with Calvin…”
Alec slowly nods, “Uh… yeah,” a bit hesitant now that his connections with the famous designer had been dismissed as something ordinary.
“So what does that have to do with this meeting?” He was getting bored already.
“Well, I,” he clears his throat, “I made it a point to get some copies of the test shots that were done last week for Calvin Klein’s new ad campaign.” He pauses, waiting for Brian to make a comment. “Um, Mr. Kinney?”
“I’m listening.” Unfortunately.
“Yes, well… I brought three of the basic layouts… one for each genre…” He waits for a response, when none is given, he continues, “Um.. well, here…” ….” Alec had given up trying to follow the presentation he had originally planned to give to Brian this morning. It was becoming painfully obvious that Brian wasn’t impressed with anything he had to say.
Brian takes the three folders. Leaning back against his chair, he opens the first one, and then glances up at Alec for a second, motioning him to speak, before looking back down at the photo. Alec clears his throat again, walking around to the side of Brian’s desk so that he could see which one of the black & white photos Brian was looking at. “This will be similar to the one that’s going to be used for the woman magazines… Cosmopolitan, Vogue…” He stops when Brian closes the folder and casually sets it on his desk. “Yes, well.. this one was the test shot for the men’s magazines. As you can already tell, all the photos in this campaign will be in black & white. This photo is similar to the one that will be used in the magazines such as GQ or…” he watches Brian drop it on his desk.
One more fuckin’ folder to go. Smirking, Brian remarks, “Gay market, I presume?” so fuckin’ original.
Alec nods, watching Brian fully opening the folder and looking down at the photo.
Oh Fuck. Brian stares at it, his brain unable to register what he was truly seeing.
Alec, thinking that Brian not tossing the folder away was a positive sign, smiles with relief, commenting, “They have great chemistry, don’t you think?” Leaning in closer, he hints with a chuckle, “I think they’re dating.” He shakes his head, amused by the memory, “I couldn’t believe how close they were with each other after the shoot… I suppose that’s why casting picked them…” Noticing that Brian wasn’t sharing his amusement, he stops laughing, “Mr. Kinney?”
Brian can’t stop staring at the photo that sits in front of him. Justin. He suddenly felt sick. What the fuck is this? “When were these shots taken?” Fuck, act casual, Kinney.
Alec grins, trying not to show how excited he was that Brian was actually interested, “Last week. Brett, the photographer, did all the photos… the ones for this layout were his favorite though. I think I have to agree, don’t you?”
“Why?” Brian asks questioningly.
“Uh,” caught off guard, Alec asks, “You don’t agree?”
“I asked you.” Fucker, admit why you like it… He looks back down at the photo. He couldn’t believe it. Here I was fuckin’ worrying about that little shit and meanwhile he was prancing around and fuckin’ some model?… that little shit!
“Well, the design is very… well.. I liked how Brett created the scene to be sexual without being too graphic… it’s more with the pose and the models’ expressions on their faces… like I said, casting probably chose them on purpose because they were already dating.”
Dating. How the fuck does he know that they’re dating? Did Justin introduce this bastard as he boyfriend?… that fuck. Last week? Last fuckin’ week? When did he and this fucker meet? Was he fuckin’ him behind Ethan’s back?… like he was fuckin’ me?… that little shit…. I can’t fuckin’ believe him… he goes on and on about wanting to be in a serious relationship, and all the while he’s preaching one thing and fucking another… hypocrite!… I can’t fuckin’ believe I was letting myself fall for his game… little brat. Fuckin’ brat.
“Mr. Kinney?” Alec wasn’t sure if he had said something wrong. “Are you all right?”
Look at them. Fuck! His head is on his lap!.. and look at that little smile… that little, hey look at me smile… that, hey I’m going to get laid after this smile… or hey, I just got laid and we’re going for another round once this shoot ends… fuck!.. I can’t believe this… fuck! Fuck! Fuck!… see what happens, Kinney? See what fuckin’ happens? Never fuckin’ learn. I never fuckin’ learn!
“Mr. Kinney?”
“You can go now.” Just get the fuck out.
“Excuse me?”
Looking up, Brian keeps it cool, “The meeting is over. You can go now.”
Flustered, Alec asks, “Do you have any questions or--”
“No. Thank you. I’ll show these to Gardner.”
Alec nods, not sure what to make of this meeting. “All right. Thank you…you have the number where you can reach me…” He isn’t surprised when Brian’s only response is a short nod. Shaking his hand, Alec wanders out the door, still completely puzzled.
Brian stares down at the picture, feeling only rage. I never learn. He needed a drink. He needed a drug. He needed a fuck. He needed anything and everything right now or else he would start screaming at the top of his lungs and breaking anything he could get his hands on. That little shit! That little shit! I can’t fuckin’ believe I wasted my time thinking about him... wanting him… I was actually starting to miss that brat...reality check, Kinney. Fuckin’ reality check… you’re a fool. Fuck! Throwing the folder over his desk, he bites his fist in fury. This isn’t right. What in the fuck am I doing?… letting some twat get the better of me?… fuck that… fuck him… I don’t need him, I never needed him!.. I don’t need him, I don’t want him... he’s nothing… he means nothing...he was nothing but a fuck and just a fuck... Rubbing his face with his hands, he knows he can’t stay in this office much longer. Fuck it. Grabbing his jacket, he heads out the door: he needed some release.