Blink

Everything seemed so surreal. Justin slowly walked through the frigid air; nothing seemed to be moving around him. All he could hear was his own feet lightly stepping on the frozen grass. He didn’t feel like talking. In fact, he didn’t even feel like walking. He was cold and tired. He needed to lie down. But Daphne still wasn’t home. Where can I go? His fingers were numb. Are my gloves at the apartment?… or did they fall out at the loft? Standing in front of the apartment building, he wonders if Ethan is inside or if he went out looking for him? He wouldn’t have to look far… I mean my options are a bit limited. He didn’t know how it happened. He had so many friends before, so many people he could count on for so many things… when did the number drop? Ethan said that they were never my friends to begin…but Daphne is. Entering the building, he decides to pack a bag and just wait for Daphne outside her building. She was bound to show up eventually. She needs a cell phone. There was no sign of Ethan in the apartment when Justin closes the door behind him. Everything looked the same as it was before. Opening the closet, he pulls out his duffle bag and starts to pack some of his clothing. He could always come back later to get the rest. Turning around, he looks at his easel. Now how am I going to carry that? He would have to leave it. Taking his pencils, he places them in the bag and begins to search for his sketchbooks. They should be by my easel… where are they? Concerned, he checks all the trashcans and are grateful that the books aren’t in there. He needed to hurry up. Ethan could return at any moment. But I can’t leave without my sketchbooks! “You’re back.” Justin jumps; he hadn’t heard the door open. Ethan stood by the frame, locking the door behind him. “I was worried.” Justin doesn’t say a word. Shit. He walks over to the bed, noticing the duffle bag, “What are you doing?” His voice was so calm, innocent even. Justin takes a deep breath, “I’m packing.” Ethan looks at him, “Why?” He was going to make him say it. Shit. “I’m leaving.” He smiles, amused, “No you aren’t.” Justin nods, “Yes. I am.” He only shakes his head, “No, Justin. I’m sorry, but you aren’t.” Justin hated how calm Ethan was, more so he hated how Ethan was talking to him as if he was two years old. “Yes, Ethan. I’m leaving. This isn’t working out. I’m going.” He smiles, taking Justin’s duffle bag and walking over to the desk. He unzips it, “Well let’s see what you have in here?…” Justin watches him, trying to figure out the best way to explain to Ethan why he was leaving, without making Ethan too upset. “Hmmm.. jeans.. khakis… socks… underwear – very important— a few tops.. oh, this one has always been my favourite,” he states, pulling out one of Justin’s shirts, “what else?… just one sweater?” Justin nods, “Nothing else would fit.” He smiles, still finding the whole situation completely amusing to him, “You’ll freeze.” Justin doesn’t say a word. Can he just give it back to me now? Ethan continues to empty the bag, pulling out Justin’s pencil case, “Oh of course! You can’t go anywhere without your pencils… but, Justin, what do you plan to draw on? The walls?” He swallows hard, “I was looking for my sketching pads when you came in.” He nods, “Right. I have them.” Justin’s eyes widen, “What?” He nods again, calmly walking over to where he keeps his music sheets, “I have them.” Under the piles of papers, Ethan pulls out one of the books. “I was looking at them while you were gone…” Justin bites the inside of his cheek. He couldn’t tell which sketchbook Ethan was holding. To see, he would have to walk closer towards him, and he wasn’t willing to take that risk. Ethan looks up at him, he was too calm for Justin’s liking. It scared him. He skims through the pages, “Let me show you my favorite…” Stopping at one, he lifts up the book to show it to Justin: It’s a sketch of Brian that Justin did a few days ago… after the ‘grocery store incident.’ Justin had drawn it from his mind’s eye. Every detail had stayed in his head and flowed so easily onto the paper. The sketch was only of Brian’s face, but the eyes told what was about to follow. Justin remains silent. Ethan nods, looking at the picture again, “I don’t think this is old, is it?.. No, because there are sketches of me in this book too…” he laughs, “Odd, isn’t it?” and closes the book, “You are so talented in capturing emotions in your sketches, Justin… really.” Justin felt paralyzed. Ethan’s tone was so calm and casual, it as if he was talking about the weather. Justin couldn’t speak. The emotion that Ethan was referring to from the picture was lust. Anyone could see it. Brian’s eyes held lust. Run. But his feet wouldn’t move. Ethan sets the book back down on the desk, picking up the other ones, “So where did you run off to while I was here worrying about you?” Justin refuses to answer that question. Finding his voice, he states, “I’ll just pick up my stuff later then.” Ethan ignores that and says, “Oh, I got the part… I’ll be performing two Sunday’s from now.” Justin licks his lips, his mouth felt dry, “Great…” Run. He couldn’t move. Ethan nods, looking up at him, “Just great?” He swallows hard, finding it difficult to breath, “Congratulations.” He nods again, “We should celebrate, don’t you think?” Justin looks back at the door, it seemed so far away, “I’m going….” Frowning, Ethan cocks his head to one side, asking, “How come?” “Look… I…” Justin trails off. This wasn’t how he planned it to be. Ethan casually tosses one of Justin’s sketchbooks into the trashcan before taking a step towards him. Justin stumbles backwards, “Ethan… I’m sorry…” He mocks, “You’re sorry?… For what? Please tell me, Justin. I would love to hear this.” Justin opens his mouth to speak, but no sound comes out. Fuck.. fuck.. oh fuck… He was terrified. Ethan smiles, continuing to walk towards him as Justin continues to take steps backwards. “Where are you going, Justin?” He stammers, “O..ut… I’m… leaving… Ethan.. I’m leaving…” Ethan nods, “Right… to Brian’s?” He shakes his head, “No… I…” “But you have been seeing him, right?… I mean, that would explain your sketches.” Sketches. That was plural. Ethan had seen all of them. He saw all of the small sketches that Justin found himself drawing without realizing it while in class, or when he was working at the diner. Ethan saw all of them. The close-ups of Brian’s eyes, a sketch of his hands holding a mug of coffee in the diner (the bracelet gave it away), and many other pictures that Justin held in his mind and released into sketches… Ethan had seen them all. “It’s not what you think..” What do you think? Ethan only nods, “Of course…” Justin stops when his back hits the kitchen counter. He was trapped. Shit. Ethan smiles, placing his palms against the counter on either side of Justin. “Where did you run off to today?” He felt faint. “I walked…” “You walked…? Where?” His eyes dart towards the door. He had to get out. “Um… no place special…” “Look at me.” Justin swallows, looking back at Ethan’s eerie gaze. “Justin, are you lying to me?” I’m going to be sick. “No.” “Because I would hate it if you were lying to me.” He nods, not trusting himself to speak. “What if I told you that I followed you?” Is he bluffing? Justin had no idea. He could feel the color draining from his face. Did Ethan follow him? Did he know that he was with Brian? Justin remains silent, trying to focus on not shaking. Ethan smiles, walking backwards to the desk, not taking his eyes off Justin. Picking up one of the sketchpads, he returns to the counter and takes Justin’s hand, leading him into the kitchen. Justin doesn’t say a word, but inside his mind was screaming. Turning on the gas stovetop, Ethan rips out a page in the book. Justin holds back from moving. Still watching Justin, Ethan places the page above the flame, letting it burn. It was the picture of Brian. “Did you see Brian today?” he asks casually, letting go of the burning picture and letting it crinkle and turn into ash. Justin whispers, “I’m leaving, Ethan.” He laughs, “You keep saying that, Justin… but you aren’t going anywhere.” He puts the entire book on top of the flame, watching it become engulfed in the fire. Justin can’t hold back his tears as he watches his sketchbook burn in front of his eyes. Ethan turns off the stove, chuckling, “We can’t have a fire hazard, now can we?” and tosses the damaged book into the sink, turning on the water to drown it. Justin takes a step back, “You’re crazy.” Ethan arches his eyebrow, warning, “Be nice.” He shakes his head, walking to the door. He wasn’t planning to go for his coat on the bed. Ethan calls out, “Where are you going?” Justin doesn’t answer, reaching to turn the knob. Ethan grabs him by the shoulder, turning Justin around and slamming his back into the door. His voice is tight, “I asked you a question.” Justin stands his ground, “I’m leaving, Ethan. I’m leaving and I am not coming back.” Ethan laughs cruelly, “Really? I don’t remember saying that it was over. I never said you could leave.” He whispers, “I don’t need your permission.” Ethan smiles, leaning forward towards Justin’s mouth. Justin bites his lower lip, causing Ethan to frown, “Don’t do that…” He smiles again once Justin stops. Lightly kissing his lips, Ethan murmurs to him, “That’s better.” From behind his back, Justin takes hold of the knob. He had to get out. Ethan kisses him again, “I missed you when you ran off like that.” Justin clears his throat, “You hurt me.” He shakes his head, “I would never hurt you, Justin Taylor… it was you who hurt me.” Justin could feel another headache approaching, “What?” He nods, his eyes watering, “You were so awful to me… you knew how tense I was, and I had needed you to be supportive of me… instead you acted like a spoiled brat, and then told me to fuck off.” Justin tries to make sense of what Ethan was saying. How did he manage to turn the tables like that? “You hit me.” Ethan lets a tear roll down, “Self-defense.” Again, Justin is left dumbfounded, “What?” He nods, “You were hurting me… I had to defend myself… I’m sorry that it had to come to that: you left me no other choice.” Justin shakes his head, flabbergasted. Was this really happening? Ethan wraps his arms around Justin, pulling him forward and away from the door. Stumbling, Justin tries to regain his balance as Ethan guides him back towards the kitchen. "And all I would like to do is celebrate with the person I love." He stops, looking at Justin before continuing, "The person whom I care more about than life itself... you." Justin stares at him, protesting weakly, "You hit me." "Enough," he sighs, "Let's just forget that horrible moment. We were both wrong." Shaking his head, Justin feels at a loss for words. He knew what he did wasn’t right… but did he really deserve what Ethan did to him? How could it make perfect sense to Ethan and not to him? Ethan smiles again, lightly kissing Justin’s cheek, “So let’s make-up… and then celebrate my brilliance.” Justin forces himself to smile. This didn’t feel right. Closing his eyes, he lets Ethan continue to kiss down his throat before gently pushing him back, “Wait…” Ethan laughs, pulling Justin towards him, “Why?… we’ve made up…” Justin tries again, taking a few steps back as he tries to push Ethan away, “No.. we haven’t…Ethan..” Ethan stops, studying Justin for a moment before asking, “Why do you have to make everything so difficult?” “Me?” Justin wanted to hit his head against the wall in frustration. Smiling, Ethan takes his hands, leading him towards the bed, “I forgave you, Justin.” Trying to plant his feet firmly against the floor, Justin leans backwards, trying to pull his hands out of Ethan’s grasp, “No, Ethan…” But Ethan manages to slide Justin across the floor with the slightest sign of struggle. Stumbling over, Justin tumbles onto the edge of the bed. “Ethan, I don’t--” He’s interrupted by Ethan’s mouth. Pushed down onto the bed by the force of Ethan’s kiss, Justin tries to push him away with his hands, No..no... no! This isn't happening.. this is just a bad dream.. wake up, Justin.. this isn't real.. no..no! Finally managing to move his face away, Justin cries out, “Stop it!” Ethan frowns, still on top of him, “What the fuck is your problem?” Trying to sit up, Justin realizes that it’s useless, and falls back down onto the bed, “I don’t want this.” He laughs, “What are you talking about? Of course you do… tease.” Ethan tries to kiss him again, but Justin turns his face away, “No, I don’t… Ethan, stop… please.” Impatient, Ethan takes Justin by the wrists, pinning him down, “Why the fuck not?! Am I suddenly not good enough for you?” Justin struggles under him, My shoulders… It felt as if his arms would rip off at the socket. Fighting back the tears, he tries another approach, “I’m just really tired, Ethan… please… let go, you’re hurting me…” Instead of getting off of him, Ethan only lightens his grip on Justin’s wrists. “My poor baby.. what did you go off an do to make you so tired?” Justin bites his lower lip as a mental image of Brian streaks across his eyes. Ethan leans down, his lips barely touching Justin’s, “Where did you run off to, Justin Taylor?” Expelling a shaky breath, Justin struggles to sit up, only to have Ethan tighten his grip once again. Fuck! “Ethan.. you’re hurting me…” He grins, nuzzling Justin’s ear, “I thought you liked it rough… with Brian at least.” “Stop talking about Brian.” Kicking his legs, he tries to throw Ethan off of him, but only manages to make Ethan hold him down harder, “Why are you struggling?” he whispers, enjoying the fact that Justin could barely move under him. Stopping for breath, Justin moans, “You’re really hurting me, Ethan…” He nod, “The feeling is mutual, Justin.” He stops struggling, and looks directly into Ethan’s eye, “Let me go.” Ethan shakes his head, “No.” Frustrated, Justin begins to struggle once again, ignoring the pain from his shoulders, “Shit…!” It was useless. Ethan had him pinned. “Justin… I am going to ask you a question, and I want an honest answer. I will know If you’re lying.” Justin panics. What if it’s about Brian? He quickly snaps back, “If you know if I’m lying, then you already know the answer to your question…” Ethan nods, lightly sucking on Justin’s earlobe before answering, “I want to hear your answer…I’m curious.” Kicking his legs, Justin knows that there will be no right answer to his question, “Fuck! Ethan please, get the hell off of me!” Ethan’s voice remains passive, “Such language, Justin…” and kisses his cheek, “It doesn’t become you.” Infuriated by Ethan’s calm voice, Justin screams, “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” He laughs, shaking his head, “You can be so spiteful sometimes.” Between gritted teeth, Justin asks, “Can you please get off of me, Ethan?” “Why?.. oh right, because you’re tired, right?” He narrows his eyes, watching Justin’s reaction. Justin looks away. What if he knows? How can he know?.. No, if he knew I was at Brian’s, he would have stopped before I walked into his building… no.. he’s just bluffing. He doesn’t know where I was… “I was walking around the city for awhile, Ethan… I’m really tired.” He nods, “Poor baby. Let me help you get some of that energy back then…” he begins to kiss Justin again. Struggling, Justin argues, “No!… Ethan… I told you I don’t want this… I don’t want this, and I don’t want you!” Immediately Justin knew he shouldn’t have said the last line. But it was too late to take it back. Staring at Ethan’s face was enough to make Justin tremble in fear. His reaction was swift. Releasing his grip on Justin’s wrist for a moment, he slaps Justin hard across the face. Instinctively, Justin brings his hands to his face, only to have Ethan grab them both in one hand and pin them over Justin’s head against the bed. He shouts, “And what the fuck do you know?! You know nothing, Justin! You know shit about what you want and don’t want!” Justin screams back, “Yes I do! I know what I want, and it isn’t you!” He no longer cared how Ethan would react to his words, he felt red with rage. Another slap. Justin felt dizzy, but refuses to lose eye contact with Ethan. Ethan bellows, “And I bet you want to still be Brian’s whore? Is that it? You want to go back being his whore?” Justin ignores the tears streaming down his cheeks, “I am no one’s whore.” Ethan starts kissing his throat, muttering, “Sure you are… you are a whore. And you like it. You like showing yourself off to people… teasing them… making them want you… you like what it gets you… like when you danced at Babylon…” Justin shakes his head, “No! I never wanted that!” How can he think I wanted that to happen? I didn’t know what kind of party that was… I didn’t know that the drugs were laced with other shit… I didn’t want it! I didn’t want any of it… Ethan stops kissing him, coldly staring him down, “Yes you did. You wanted it until you found out you were no longer in control… you like being the one to play with people’s minds…” “Stop it!” Why is he saying this? This isn’t me! I’m not like that! “That’s not me! I’m not like that! I’m not like that! I never wanted that to happen!” Another slap. Justin closes his eyes; the room was spinning to fast for him. “Liar! You’re a fuckin’ liar, Justin! Do you hear me? Fuckin’ liar!” Justin is pulled up to a sitting position as Ethan tries to pull off his shirt. Justin pushes Ethan away, trying to escape off the bed only to have Ethan grab him by the waist and tackle him onto the floor. “And where the fuck do you think you’re going? Huh? Going to Brian’s?.. you gonna go fuck Brian, but not me? Is that it? You gonna go fuck him and then sketch about it later?.. you gonna sketch his cock?” Justin struggles under him, trying to grab something nearby but nothing is within reach, he screams, “Fuck you, Ethan!” Ethan snatches him by the hair, slamming his head against the wooden floor. “Shut up! Don’t you ever say that! Do you hear me? Do you fuckin’ hear me?!” Justin can’t speak. His head was pounding. The room was spinning, he couldn’t even tell if his eyes were opened or closed. Feeling his body being turned around, his back is pressed against the floor as Ethan straddles above him. “Stop…” he murmurs, fighting to remain conscious as Ethan unbuckles his belt. Ethan slaps him again, “I said ‘shut up!’” and unzips his pants. Justin lifts up his arms, blindly trying to push Ethan off of him. His eyes were slowly beginning to be able to focus again. “Ethan… please…” Ethan laughs coldly, mocking, “Ethan…please! … Please, what, Justin? Please let me fuck with your mind some more? Please let me go back to Brian and let him fuck me and then play you like a fool? Is that it? Is that what you want me to do?” Justin starts to cry. He was so tired and his head felt like it was about to implode. “It was never like that… Ethan… please, don’t do this… don’t…” Ethan begins to shake him, “Liar! You are a fuckin’ liar! You like playing games with me!” He shakes his head, “No, Ethan… I don’t… honest… God, please… Ethan… I don’t…” Ethan takes Justin by his jaw, bringing him close to his own face. He whispers, “Whose are you?” Justin’s mind feels like it’s stuck in a fog as he struggles to follow Ethan’s question, “W-what?” Ethan repeats himself, his voice tight, “Whose_are_you?” “I..I…” No.. I am not his… I’m not his… I’m not anybody’s… He shouts loudly, tightening his grip on Justin’s jaw, “Whose are you?!” Crying, Justin can’t answer. Pushed back down, he tries to roll over, away from the onslaught of fists that he knew would be coming soon. Ethan fights to pull off Justin’s clothing, managing to yank the belt completely off of him, “You are mine, Justin! You are fuckin’ mine! Do you understand me?! You are mine!” Justin sobs, “No!” He didn’t want to be his. He didn’t want to be anyone’s. He wanted to be free. The belt stung Justin fiercely as Ethan angrily whipped his back, screaming, “Say it! Say it, damnit! You fuckin’ say it now!” Refusing to just lie there and take the blows, Justin tries to crawl away, dropping each time the belt struck his body. Each blow felt like fire and paralyzed him for a few seconds before he was able to move and become rewarded by another blow. He needed to get out. Why wasn’t anyone calling the police? He was sure people could hear them. Someone had to be hearing this… why wasn’t anyone helping him?… not even a knock on the door? Could it be that no one cared? … someone.. help… Would Ethan beat him to death? Would he actually kill him?… Justin had no idea. His entire body felt like it was on fire. Dropping to his side, he covers his face with his hands, trying to block out the throbbing pain and the sound of leather cutting the air before slapping hard against him. Oh God.. please make him stop… please make it stop…” If it were seconds, minutes, or hours, Justin couldn’t tell how much time had passed. Ethan had finally stopped. Justin could hear him breathing heavy above him. Don’t move. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream so loud that the room would shatter around them both. Don’t move. Ethan’s voice is raspy, “Justin?” Don’t move. He kept his face covered with his hands, his body curled to the side in the fetal position. He wasn’t about to show any sign of consciousness. Don’t move.. Don’t breathe… don’t move. He can hear Ethan kneel beside him, lightly touching his shoulder. It took all of Justin’s energy not to move or make a sound at his touch. His entire body was throbbing in pain. “Justin?” Don’t move. “Oh God, Justin…” Ethan’s voice was filled with fear. “Justin, please, say something!” Don’t move. He could hear the panic in Ethan’s voice; he knew he was crying. “Justin, oh God, what have I done?.. Justin, please!.. Justin, say something!… Justin, can you hear me?!” Don’t move. Ethan pushes Justin’s hands away. Justin’s eyes remain closed. Don’t move. Don’t breathe. Oh God, I’m shaking… can he see me shaking?… shit, don’t move… don’t breathe… oh God.. of God… “Justin?” He whispers, too scared to raise his own voice. “Justin? Open your eyes, baby.. Justin, please… I’m sorry…open your eyes… say something.” Don’t move…. He was sure Ethan could hear his heart beating. The sound of it was practically deafening to Justin’s ears. Don’t move… “Oh God! Justin, don’t do this to me! Oh God, Justin! Wake up!” He pulls Justin up, and Justin forces himself to remain limp. Cradling him in his arms, Ethan cries, “Look at me, Justin.. please, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to… I didn’t mean to hurt you like that!.. open your eyes! I promise I won’t hurt you again… I promise I’ll make it better… I love you, Justin Taylor.. I love you… open your eyes… say something!” Rag doll. Be a rag doll. Don’t move. Don’t even listen to him. Don’t move. He didn’t know was going to happen, but whatever it was, he knew that it would be better if he didn’t open his eyes. Just don’t move. Ethan holds him close and Justin forces himself not to gasp in pain. “Justin, I love you… don’t do this… you’re scaring me… wake up.. wake up… wake up!” Justin thought he was going to snap in two as Ethan suddenly begins to shake him, “Wake up!!” Shit.. stop… oh God… stop… my head.. neck.. oh God… He feels himself being dropped back down onto the floor. Don’t move. Ethan stands up, “What have I done?” Justin can hear him pacing. Don’t move. To his surprise, he hears the front door open, “Oh God, Justin, I’m so sorry…” and then slam shut. Justin remains there for a few seconds. Oh my God. Did he just leave?.. Are you kidding me?.. that asshole just left me here? He didn’t even call for an ambulance?!… is this a trick? He waits a few more seconds before deciding it was safe to open his eyes. It wasn’t a trick; Ethan was gone. Coward. Slowly moving his body, he finds himself staring up at the ceiling. He was free. For how long, he wasn’t sure of. But for this moment he was free. The tears flowed down his face. The pain meant nothing to him anymore. He was free. He felt like laughing. He was free. The pain returned once he tried to make his way to the phone. Crawling to the table, he reaches up and grabs the receiver. His entire body was throbbing in pain. He didn’t know when Ethan would return, but he knew he would. Ethan would return and Justin had no desire to be there waiting. Pushing the buttons, he brings the phone to his ear and listens to the rings. One ring. Two rings. Three rings. Four… “Hello?” Daphne was home.

After hanging up, Justin let out a slow breath. Daphne was on her way. She would be there soon. Turning his head to the door, it looked so far away. But he knew it was unlocked. He knew Daphne would be able to get in. Stay awake He wanted to sleep for twenty years. The pain was becoming numb to him. Throbbing redness. Blinking back the tears, he forces himself to smile. I’m free. He wasn’t going to let Ethan weasel his way back into his life. He knew now. He knew what he wanted and what he didn’t want. He did not want Ethan. Closing his eyes, he remembers Ethan’s demanding words, You are mine!… Say it! Say it! Sighing, Justin blinks. “No,” he whispers aloud. He would never say it. I don’t belong to you, Ethan… I don’t belong to anyone but myself…” Staring up at the ceiling, he smiles softly, “I am mine.”

Stay tuned for SEND ME AN ANGEL (PART 2): As Heaven is Wide