Hide your love away

Justin stared at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes no longer had the same spark that they used to, as he thought back to yesterday with Brian. I am a whore. He couldn’t understand how he could let something like that happen. The worst feeling, however was that he wanted more. Feeling Brian inside of him again was incredible. He missed Brian. But Brian doesn’t love me. Justin knew that things would never be the same after Brian entered him, because at that moment it was more clear than ever that Justin was still in love with Brian.

*

Brian slowly made his way back into bed after letting the trick out. Last night was a complete blur. The only thing he remembered was what he was trying so hard to forget. I let Justin get to me again… I fell for him…shit… why in the hell did I fuck him? He wanted more. He wanted another taste of Justin; so instead, he went to Babylon that night and had a string of tricks in between drinks and drugs. But it wasn’t the same. None of them could ever be like Justin. Don’t say it Kinney. Rolling onto his back, he stares up at the ceiling. This feeling wasn’t entirely new. But I know now that I wasn’t in love with Ahmed… it was lust. Pure lust blinded by me wanting more out of it…. He feared that Justin saw him the same way. Justin was so young… younger than I was when I met Ahmed. Ideals. Everyone at that age has ideals. Justin saw something that I wasn’t… and he tried to make me into what he wanted… someone who believed in love. The thought made Brian angry. Love is for the blind. . Sitting up, he knew he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. Glancing over to the side of the bed, he pictured Justin lying beside him. Fuck… Love makes people do stupid things. But I don’t believe in love. I’m smarter than that. Brian Kinney does not do love. Looking away he wonders if Justin ever did love him, or just thought it was love. It doesn’t matter. He’s with the fiddler. They’re two happy starving artists and all that shit… disgustingly sweet I’m sure. And with that, Brian goes to take a shower. The thought of Ethan kissing Justin made his skin crawl.

*

Justin’s back was still sore. He couldn’t tell if there was a bruise there or not because the mirror ended at his shoulders. Ethan had been talking to him last night, and Justin had suddenly found his mind wandering back to the grocery store, and to Brian. He remembered the kisses that made his body tingle, and the incredible feeling he felt once Brian finally entered him. It was Ethan’s anger that brought him back to reality. He had realized that Justin was no longer listening to him. Grabbing his arm, Ethan had thrown him hard against the door, causing Justin's lower back to slam onto the doorknob. Of course Ethan had apologized. However, as Ethan later pointed out, if Justin were truly paying attention he would have been able to stop himself before hitting the door. Justin had lied and said he was thinking about doing something special for Thanksgiving. Of course that made Ethan feel even worse for pushing Justin, and he took him out that evening for ice cream and made love to him under the stars in a secluded section of the nearby park. That didn’t make Justin feel any better, but what could he say? He was too busy feeling guilty for cheating on Ethan with Brian. He continued to stare at his reflection in the mirror. This isn’t right. The bathroom door slowly opens, and Ethan walks in smiling, “You look great, darling… we’re going to be late.” Justin nods, knowing that Ethan thinks that he was just spending longer than usual in the bathroom to look his best. In reality however, Justin was trying to find the one thing he could no longer feel: himself.

*

Brian found himself staring at the empty space where Justin’s easel used to be. When is he planning to bring me a drawing? Brian wonders if Justin will ever stop by the loft again. Maybe it didn’t mean anything to him?.. maybe he just wanted to fuck?… That angered him. That little brat. He goes on and on about wanting to be in a monogamous relationship… and once he has it with Fiddle-Fuck, he now wants it all… fuckin’ hypocrite. But then again, Brian had to believe that maybe it was more than just a one-time fuck he had with Justin yesterday. Maybe Justin wasn’t fooling around behind Ethan’s back… perhaps it was only with him? But is that what Brian wanted? I can’t let Justin fuck up having a decent relationship because I want to get laid. He had to push him away, farther than before. He had to let Justin know that there was nothing for him with Brian. If Justin wants the fiddler, then I have to let him be with the fiddler. It didn't matter how Brian felt. This is about Justin. And Brian wanted only the best for his Sunshine.

*

Justin wandered down the hall. He was bored. Today was Ethan’s audition for the Pittsburgh Symphony’s “Sunday Afternoon in Vienna” which featured new artists each month to perform selected pieces of music ranging from Mozart to Strauss. Looking up at the pictures on the walls, Justin wonders if the company may later ask Ethan to join their orchestra permanently. Of course that would mean that Ethan would have to travel a lot for performances, but Justin didn’t mind. As long as he doesn’t expect me to go with him every time.. once in awhile could be fun.. but I would still have to be in school, I can’t give that up… Smiling, he knew that something like this would be great for Ethan. I hope he wins the audition… Suddenly, he becomes nervous. Shit, what if he doesn’t? Fuck… then what?.. he’ll be so upset… no, I can’t think like that… live in the now… I just have to be supportive of him no matter what. Listening to himself say that made his guilt return. How could I have done that with Brian?.. Ethan loves me, and I went and fucked Brian behind Ethan’s back… I’m fuckin’ awful. I can’t believe Ethan loves me. How can anyone love me? I’m such a horrible person… Finding a bench, Justin sits down and waits. Maybe I should take Ethan out to lunch when he comes out from the audition?... no, he'd misinterpret my gesture, I know it... no, maybe I should act like it's no big deal?.. but it IS a big deal... shit. I have no idea how I'm suppose to be!... maybe I should call Daphne? She'd know how I should act...wait, no, she hates Ethan... she might tell me something wrong... no she wouldn't!.. well, not on purpose, but maybe subconsciously because she's still mad at him... I should talk to her about Ethan.. she worries too much... Looking down at his wrist, he notices that the bruise is still there. I should wait until after that heals... she'll see it and flip out. He couldn't let that happen. Ethan loves me. It was an accident, just like last night too... he's just under a lot of stress... after today's audition he'll be fine again.. he would never hurt me.

*

Brian sat on the couch, waiting for Lindsay and Melanie to finally leave. Picking up Gus, he smiles, "Hey, Sonny-boy." Gus giggles, burying his face in Brian's chest before looking back up at him. Brian combs back his son’s hair, glancing over at Lindsay and Melanie, “Tsk Tsk.. girls, you’re going to be late.” Lindsay rolls her eyes, “Brian, I don’t need this.” He laughs, “Relax! What’s the worst that can happen?” She looks up at him with panic in her eye, “Shit, Brian! Don’t make me think about that!” Melanie puts on her jacket, “Nothing is going to happen. It’s going to be a boring lunch date…” Lindsay interrupts, “But what if--?” Brian sighs, pretending to be completely engrossed with one of Gus’s toys, “Lindsay, they are your parents… trust me, they are boring.” She begins to look for her purse, “I don’t know why I agreed to meet with them.” Melanie walks over to her, “Because no matter how shitty they have been, you still love them.” Brian nods, not usually liking to agree with Melanie, but finding that this was what he was doing, “You love them, but they aren’t worth your stress, Lindz. Fuck ‘em.” She shakes her head, “That’s easy for you to say, Brian.” He takes Gus’ hand and waves it in the air, “Bye, Mom.” Sighing, she kisses her son, gives one last worried look to Brian, and goes out the door. Melanie exhales loudly, “Please God let this be short and painless,” before following Lindsay out. Brian looks back at his son, “Finally, we have some peace and quiet.” Gus grins, pointing to the rubber ball across the room, “Ball! Ball!” Brian smiles, “That’s right… sonny-boy, that’s a ball.” Putting him down, he watches Gus run over to grab the ball from the floor. Fuck… is he really already 2 years old?.. shit, he's growing up fast… he’s been in this world for two years, going on three. The thought baffled him. It seems like it wasn’t so long ago when he was first born…that was the same night I met Justin. He couldn’t believe how much his life had changed from that moment on. Leaning back on the couch, he stares up at the ceiling. So now what? He had already hit and passed the horrible 30 year mark.. Now what? What he wanted, was what he couldn't have.

*

Justin stared at the clock. So slow.... Kicking out his feet, he studied the outline of his sneakers before becoming bored and standing back up. He hated to wait. Leaning against the wall, he tries to count backwards, switching from English to French before reciting the Spanish alphabet in his head... this is what he found himself doing when he was bored and without anything to draw with. It was either doing that or thinking about Brian. Brian. ...I love Brian... I love him so much it hurts... but he doesn't love me back; how can he? He doesn't believe in love... maybe I AM sick. Maybe there IS something wrong with me for wanting to be with Brian... Brian doesn't love me, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about him.... meanwhile I have someone in my life who DOES love me. Ethan loves me. I have to make this right. Ethan loves me. Brian does not. So who cares? Who the fuck cares that I love Brian? No one cares. I need to stop. Get over him. I have Ethan, and Ethan loves me.