His eyes were like coal. Black fire. That was the best way to describe the way his eyes shone: black fire. His stare could burn a hole through your soul, or melt you into heaven. It was those eyes that Brian first found himself lost in… the night he decided to end his life.

Brian jerked awake with a gasp. “Shit…” his head hurt. Looking around, he calls, “Justin?” Then remembers. “Right…” He was alone. And that was how it should be. Sitting up, he rubs his forehead, his head was killing him, “Fuck him.” Reaching to the side of the bed, he pulls out a cigarette and checks the time: 1:01 am. “Oh that’s fuckin’ lovely.” He was wide-awake.

In Apartment 34, Justin was also wide-awake. Ethan lay sleeping beside him, his breathing was light and could probably lull him to sleep if he really wanted to… but Justin didn’t want to sleep. He needed to think. A drawing. Why does he want a drawing? And of what? These thoughts consumed him as he lay awake wondering. It made no sense to him. Of course nothing seemed to make much sense to him anymore. Turning over, he watches Ethan sleep. What in the hell am I doing? He needed to get some air. Sitting up, he quietly gets dressed and leaves a quick note just in case: ‘Couldn’t sleep. Went for a walk. Be back soon.’ He didn’t know how he should sign it, so he just didn’t. Carefully opening the front door, Justin silently leaves the apartment.

Fuck him Brian kept repeating to himself as he walked down the deserted sidewalk. Fuck them both. The frigid air burned his cheeks, but he didn’t care. He needed to feel something, anything; and if it was to be the stinging air then so be it.

Justin didn’t know why he was walking towards Brian’s apartment complex, but somehow his legs were leading him in that direction. His mind kept racing with the last conversation he and Brian had hours earlier. What was going on? He needed to know. But maybe nothing was going on. Perhaps Brian honestly just wanted a picture, nothing more. Maybe that was Brian’s way to show that he didn’t hate him anymore. Maybe this was a step into friendship? Justin smiled hopefully. His smile soon faded as soon as he saw a familiar shadow coming his way. “Brian?” No, Justin thought, it couldn’t be. Brian stopped, looking forward to see Justin continuing to walk towards him, “Shit.” My luck of course. “Brian, do you know what time it is?” “Do you?” Brian asks nonchalantly, Why in the fuck does he still have to live around here? Why couldn’t he have just moved or something? “Yes… but Brian, I’m not the one who has a cold. Are you trying to catch pneumonia now?!” Brian rolls his eyes, “God, you never quit, do you?” Justin smiles, deciding to take that as a compliment, “No, actually I don’t.” Brian didn’t know why he let Justin lead him back into the apartment. The ride up the elevator was quiet. He wondered what exactly Justin was thinking.

Justin kept staring straight ahead, watching the floors change as the elevator rode up to Brian’s floor. What am I doing?… why didn’t I just drop him off at the door and just leave?… I can’t believe I’m here with him. But why didn’t he stop me? Finally the elevator reaches its destination and they both step off. Brian walks ahead of him, “You coming in?” Justin knew that wasn’t a question. Even though Brian phrased it as one, nothing was ever just a question to him. Brian held the door of the loft open, waiting. Without a word, Justin enters inside. Brian slides the door shut behind him. He didn’t know why he invited Justin inside, and wished Justin didn’t accept. But now here they were. Justin clears his throat, “Um.. I’m glad you’re feeling better.” Brian nods, going to the fridge for a bottle of water. Justin gets a quick image in his mind of when Brian first took him home, and how he let the water spill down his naked chest. That sight alone was enough to render Justin speechless; and now, as he stood across from the kitchen, he again found himself at a loss for words. Brian had thrown off his shirt and was standing there in only his dark jeans, holding his water bottle in one hand as he continued to look into the fridge. He knew Justin was watching him, so he made sure that his moves were slow and deliberate, until Justin had forced himself to look away. “I guess I should go now…” Justin slowly began, finding himself walking away from the door however. Brian looks up to find Justin standing where the easel used to be. “What do you think, Justin?” Justin doesn’t say a word, staring down at the empty spot on the floor. It looked so empty. Brian stood there for a few moments, watching Justin. Yeah, that would go perfect there. He smiled to himself. “I miss you.” Shit, did I say that out loud? . Justin looks up, surprised, “What?” Did I hear that correctly? Brian frowns, “What?” “You said something… what did you just say?” Brian shrugs, “I didn’t say a thing, Justin.” Justin looks back down at the floor, knowing he heard correctly, “I miss you too, Brian.” He doesn’t dare look up. He didn’t want to see the look of ‘I don’t give a fuck’ on Brian’s face. Instead however, he feels Brian walk up behind him, his breath against the back of his neck. Justin can feel his knees practically buckle beneath him. Brian whispers, “What do you miss, Justin?” Justin sighs, leaning backwards into Brian’s chest. He could feel Brian’s hands slowly make their way down his jeans. Turning him around to face him, Justin can’t help himself as he wraps his arms over Brian’s shoulders. Brian smiles, his own hands sliding past the small of Justin’s back and under his jeans. My God… Just feeling Justin’s ass in his hands was enough to drive him on edge. Pulling him close, Brian kisses him, hard. His mouth tastes incredible and Brian wants to swallow him whole. Jesus, Justin… if you only knew… My God… how I miss you … how I want you … As forcibly as he pulled Justin into the kiss, Brian now pushed Justin away with equal force. Justin stumbles back, stunned. The emotion erased from his face and voice, Brian states, “Go home, Justin.” Justin stands there. What just happened? He watches Brian turn around and walk towards the bedroom, “I don’t need to walk you out, now do I?” He doesn’t wait for a response, and instead closes the bathroom door behind him and turns on the shower. He needed a cold shower.

Justin let the tears fall. He was right. He was right all along. Brian saw him as nothing more but a live-in trick. He didn’t care how Justin felt. “Fuck you, Brian Kinney. Fuck you.” Grabbing his jacket, he hurries out the door and down the stairs to the freezing air outside. Anything felt better than being in the loft.

Meanwhile, in the shower, Brian finally lets his own tears fall. He missed Justin. He wanted him back in the loft. Why couldn’t Justin understand that he couldn’t say those words that Justin wanted to hear? He felt them, of course he did! Why couldn’t Justin see that? Why did he have to talk about those things? Opening up like that only gives the other person an opportunity to fuck the other up. Brian had learned his lesson; he wasn’t going to fall for that again. Not this time. Even if Justin wouldn’t mean to, he knew a day would come when it would happen. He knew Justin would end up hurting him. Brian had no choice but to let him go.

Outside, Justin kept walking. He didn’t want to return home. He needed to walk. He needed to scream. Sitting down at a bench, he closes his eyes. Why did loving a person have to hurt so much? Maybe it was never love… maybe I just don’t know what love is… He shakes his head, No, I loved Brian. I LOVE Brian. But he doesn’t love me. He never did. Ethan loves me… Ethan loves me. Ethan loves me and says I deserve his love. He said so… Ethan knows what love is. He believes in love. Brian never believed in it, so what do I know? Brian can just go to hell. Wiping away his tears, an old Fiona Apple song enters his mind … ‘ You say love is a hell you cannot bear, so I say give me mine back and then go there, for all I care.’ Smiling sadly, Justin whispers, “You can just go to hell, Brian.”