Justin awoke to the sound of a sneeze. Beside him sat Brian, red-nosed and ready to sneeze for a second time. Justin had to laugh. “You think this is funny?” Brian snapped, “My head feels like.. shit, I don’t know WHAT it fuckin’ feels like…” Justin smiles teasingly, “That’s what happens when you take drugs that aren’t prescribed to you by your doctor… add that with some booze and hypothermia, be lucky you aren’t hooked up to a monitor or something.” Brian groans, lying back down on the bed, “No lectures, Justin.. just go back to Fiddle-Fie-Fum, I’m sure he’s worried sick about his little lovebug.” Justin rolls his eyes, not even bothering to comment, “Let me get you some cold medicine…” “I’m fine!” Brian calls back, but Justin has already left the bedroom. Sneezing again, Brian rubs his face with his hands, “Fuck, Justin, I’m fine… just go…. Go away…” In the kitchen, Justin prepares the toast and calls out, “Do you have any gelatin?” He isn’t surprised when there is no answer, thinking ‘He’s probably in the shower.’ It felt good to be back in the loft. Being here felt like home, which only saddened him. He remembered the phone call he made to Ethan only hours before, ‘This isn’t fair to Ethan.. God, I’m such a jerk… I’m a jerk and a coward… and Brian.. damnit.. Brian is an asshole’ He chuckles softly to himself at his last comment. Of course Brian was an asshole, that was part of his charm. His no-nonsense ‘don’t give a fuck’ attitude was irresistible, but even more so was the quiet moments that the two used to spend alone… when Brian would show his human side. It was so private, and so beautiful. Justin didn’t realize he was crying until the phone began to ring. “Fuck,” he muttered, wiping away his tears before answering the phone, “Hello?” There is a pause, then Michael’s voice, “Justin? What are YOU doing there?” Justin hated how he Michael phrased that question, but decides to let that go, “I drove Brian home last night… he wasn’t feeling good.” Michael’s radar was already up, “Is he okay? Why are you still there, and why didn’t you call me?” Justin wonders what would happen if he just hangs up, but decides against it, “Brian is fine, he has a cold now though because he left his coat in the jeep and was practically an ice cube when I saw him…” ‘Was that it? Did I answer all your questions, Mikey?’ Not satisfied, Michael continues with his second degree, “So then what? You helped thaw him out… what are you doing there really, Justin? What about Ethan?…” Justin rolls his eyes, How does Brian stand him?.. how do I for that matter stand working with him every other week on the comic book?…Jesus! “Brian has a cold now. I’m making him some toast. I’ll tell him that you called. You shouldn’t stop by because you might catch his cold and then Ben will get it.. and well, you know. I got to go now, Michael. Bye.” Before allowing Michael time to speak, Justin immediately hangs up the phone. Thank God that conversation is over. Back to his own thoughts, Justin wondered what Brian was thinking about. Did he miss him? Did he think about him at least? Of course not. Brian hates me. I hate me. ”I should go,” he finally said aloud, to himself of course. Brian was still in the bathroom. Should he at least go in and say something? Forcing his feet to move, Justin slowly made his way across the loft and into the bathroom. Brian had just gotten out of the shower and was wrapping the towel around his waist as Justin quietly knocked on the door. The knock surprised Brian, mostly because he was used to Justin just walking in without warning into any room of the loft. Of course that hadn’t happened in months… this was actually the first time Justin was back in the loft since he moved out. But to Brian, it almost felt like old times… but maybe that was just hopeful thinking.

Justin couldn’t help but stare at Brian God he is gorgeous. “Um..” What did I come here for..? God, Justin, pull yourself together… damnit, why do I let him have this hold on me?… he wants nothing to do with me… I hurt him, it’s my fault we’re not together… shit.. well not only my fault… but I knew… he told me from the start… he told me he didn’t do commitment… why did I even bother trying to change him? He wasn’t going to change. He hasn’t changed!… I bet he didn’t even care when I left with Ethan that night… he just liked the idea that he could play with me whenever he wanted, like a fuck toy or something… I meant nothing to Brian… I still mean nothing to him…. And yet I continue to think about him 24/7 … fuck, I must be crazy… I love Brian, Brian hates me, I’m with Ethan… Ethan loves me, I don’t love him back… stupid, fucked up circle… or some shit like that…

Brian knew Justin was staring at him. He liked it. Even though he felt like absolute shit and wanted to just crawl under his covers and sleep for a year… it felt good to know that Justin still wanted him. But he is with that fiddler Brian kept having to remind himself of that one he made his choice. Who cares what I feel about it? Justin is with Ethan now… we both just have to accept that and deal… he made his choice and these are the consequences of it… Brian let Justin continue watching him for a few more seconds until finally speaking, “What do you want?” His voice caught Justin by surprise, “Uh.. I .. I was just wondering how you were feeling…” Brian cocked his head to a side, Is he nervous? Am I making him nervous?That felt good. Maybe it’s because he knows he fucked up.. he knows it.. of course he knows it… But Brian forgave him, in fact, Brian was more angry at himself for letting Justin go than for Justin breaking their rules. But what could he do about that now?

“I’m fine, Justin,” Brian answers as coolly as possible, taking the cold medicine out of Justin’s hand and swallowing two of the pills inside, “Go home. Do your homework. Fuck the fiddler. I don’t care. Just get out of here.” Brian didn’t mean to sound as harsh as his voice was turning out to be, but he knew that if Justin stayed in the loft with him any longer, he would have to have him. Just looking at him made his cock ache, and that pissed him off even more because We could have still be together if it wasn’t for that meddling fiddle fuck Or maybe not, Brian knew he was just kidding himself. Justin wasn’t happy those last few weeks that they were together.. maybe it was even longer than that. Brian hated the fact that he had taken Justin for granted. Justin was crying out for some sort of recognition, and Brian had just kept pushing it away. And for what? Because he didn’t want people to suddenly see him as a boyfriend.. someone’s partner.. it was stupid, he knew. But it still meant something to him. All his life he spent it showing everyone that he needed no one but himself… and then this blonde seventeen year old showed up one night… and his life was never the same.

Justin looked down at the counter, trying to look at anything but the cold stare that Brian was giving him right now. His stomach felt like it was in one big knot Don’t cry.. don’t cry.. he isn’t worth it.. he doesn’t care… “Um..Michael called while you were in the shower…” Brian simply crosses his arms, wanting to remain unreadable. Justin takes a deep breath, “You don’t have any gelatin… you shouldn’t drink coffee or tea… um.. it isn’t good when you’re sick.. you should have something warm.. umm.. I wanted to make you this Jell-O drink.. my mom used to make it for me.. it’s pretty good actually….” Justin knew he was rambling now, but he just couldn’t stop. Brian was making him too nervous and it was either talking or crying.. he chose talking. “So.. I could stop by… later and.. and bring you some Jell-O or something… you shouldn’t go out.. it’s snowing now… and… Deb is out of town but I know how to make that soup she sometimes makes.. the one you like… she taught me how to make it once… do you want me to make it for you?…” Why am I even bothering being nice to him? Why am I even asking this? What the hell is wrong with me?! Brian shrugs, walking out of the bathroom, “Whatever.” Justin watches him remove the towel and return to bed. Brian didn’t want to admit it, but he was feeling dizzy as hell and just wanted to fall back to asleep… but at the same time, he actually liked hearing Justin’s ramblings…it was almost comforting. The one thing that Justin never knew, was the effect his voice had on Brian. Closing his eyes, Brian felt himself starting to drift off. He couldn’t fight the exhaustion anymore, it was time to go back to sleep.

Justin watched him for a few minutes. It always amazed him how calm and peaceful Brian could seem when he was asleep. Before he could stop himself, Justin found himself pulling the covers up around Brian’s body; being careful not to wake him. He could sit and watch Brian for hours. It didn’t matter if he was sleeping, eating, reading, or whatever… to Justin, Brian was a work of art. What saddened him though, was that whatever it was that Brian was doing, Justin used to be able to read his mood. He could tell exactly what he was feeling and thinking in practically any given time.. and then suddenly that stopped. He wasn’t sure when exactly it happened, if it just occurred one day or if it happened so slowly that he didn’t even notice until it was too late. Part of him thought it happened after the bashing. Things were never the same after that. Brian shut up a lot of walls after that happened, but things seemed to be going okay. They were happy… what happened? When did life with Brian become ‘not enough’? Of course Brian gave him everything he ever wanted… except commitment. Except respect. Except consideration. Justin could feel the tears returning. Why did he let Brian get to him like this? Why did he have to still love him so much that it hurt to breath? And why couldn’t Brian just be with him, and only him? Because I was never enough. Sadly, Justin brushes a few strands of hair away from Brian’s face, becoming lost momentarily in the feel of his skin. I should go… Taking a few steps back, Justin decides that he will return later today Brian doesn’t know how to take care of himself when he’s sick.. it’s Saturday.. I can get him all he needs for him to be better by Monday… who cares if he’s an ungrateful ass about it… he knows I won’t let him down… again… I can’t…