I often find myself wondering where I would be... where we all would be if Justin had just stayed home that night. Would he have been bashed? Would he even have had any trouble in high school? I know I blame Brian, the man who took everything I knew and completely changed it to where I couldn't recognize my own son for so many months. Every mother wants her children to be happy, loved and taken care of. I know that Brian Kinney can provide my son with financial support that my ex-husband and I could never. He can afford the finer things in life and makes my life look like nothing. We weren't wealthy people but we had enough money that we were able to have a membership to the country club and were able to send our children to the top schools in Pittsburgh. We had a nice house and expensive cars. 

I thought our children were perfect. I guess I thought wrong because my son felt he couldn't trust Craig nor I enough to tell us that he was gay. A thing that must have frightened him so much that he felt ashamed to tell me, his own mother. I still remember looking at him when I asked if he had a boyfriend. The hurt, fear and sadness in his eyes right before he ran from the car. He didn't realize that I still love him despite anything. 

I think I blame Brian for things because it's so much easier than blaming yourself. I told myself for months that if it hadn't been for Brian that I my son would still be straight...and perfect. I know now that he is perfect. Brian taught him to be proud of who he is. I'm mad at him because that's my job. 

I felt for a while that he was flaunting himself and that if he hadn't then people wouldn't have picked on him his last year at St. James. But he wasn't being anymore open then the straight kids. He knew who he was and that was okay with him. He was so strong and brave, things I know he didn't get from me and certainly not Craig. 

I blame Brian for watching my son almost dying because some homophobic student bashed him. Because to me Brian was the enemy not Christopher Hobbs. I had to blame someone because if Justin was still straight he wouldn't have been in the hospital. Later I realized Justin was never straight to begin with and I guess I knew that I just chose not to see it.

I see the love between Brian and Justin. I see my son in a relationship that saved both of them. Justin taught Brian to love and Brian taught my son that he shouldn't fear who he is, he shouldn't care what others think and that if they can't see him for who he is then fuck them. 

I hear Brian's friends say that Brian was incapable of being in a relationship and at first I believed them. Now I see how totally wrong everyone is. I saw how much Brian loved Justin when the who Ethan ordeal happened. I saw the way Brian defended Justin regardless of his own pain. I saw the way Brian continued to support Justin because he wanted Justin to be financially taken care of. He saved my sons life more than once. 

I've come to love Brian as my own. He may not be what I had in mind for my son but he's who I want with him. It took me along time to realize this but I think it took Brian and Justin along time to realize they really do belong together. Bets are for the house this time.