Authors Note: This chapter is in two parts. It features Kevin's POV at the end. The end also turns into a songfic so you guys know. The song is "Room To Breathe" by Anthony Rapp. I heard this song and thought it was perfect for this part of the story.
The light of from my laptop seems to blind me. I've been trying to work on this campaign for four hours now, but all that seems to cross my mind is Justin. It's been three weeks.
"Brian?"
I rub my eyes and glance up to see Kevin. "Oh hey."
"Can we talk?" He asks nervously.
Closing my computer, I look up at him from my seat at the kitchen table.
"I found these in your briefcase." Holding up a box of condoms, he just looks at me. "Why do you have them?"
"Must be old." I reply.
He slams the box on the table. "Don't lie to me."
"I'm not. They..."
"Cut the bullshit! Be honest with me Brian" Tears are starting to form in his eyes.
Standing up, I'm not sure what to say. "It just happened."
"If it just happened then why did you buy a whole God damn box?!" One tear
falls down his cheek.
"What do you want me to say?"
Kevin just stands, glued to the kitchen floor for a few minutes. "It was Justin."
I'm nodding before I even realize it.
"How long?" More tears follow.
I shrug. "Does it matter?"
"It does to me." He's almost sobbing now.
Closing my eyes, I take a breath. "Three times. Once before we were married, twice after."
"Did you...did you always use a condom?" He hesistates.
As I shake my head no, I hear him gasp and watch as his hand grabs a chair for support.
"I'm sorry." It's all I can say.
"You're sorry?" He asks incrediculously. "For what? Blowing up our marriage into a million pieces? Proving that what I have built my life on for the past year was a sham? Or how about this one? Riping my heart out of my chest and crushing it beyond recognition? I know. Your sorry you got caught."
I can't listen any more. "That's not the way it was...is. I didn't mean for the thing with Justin to happen. I didn't plan on it. Just one night it-"
"That night. That night you said you had to meet a client. You were with him. To top it all off you had me... Oh God I think I'm going to be sick." Covering his mouth, he runs to the sink and soon the contents of his stomach now fill the basin.
I place my hand on the small of his back for support and he jumps back as if he'd been burned. "I just want to know one thing. I found a condom in the living room trash can a few weeks ago when I went to empty it. Was it from you and Justin?"
I suck in some air.
"Well that answers that. Did you fuck him in our bed?"
"Kevin.." I start trying to get him to listen to me.
He slams his fist down on the counter. "Did you fuck him in our bed?"
"No."
"Then where? I want to know where."
Reaching my hand out to him, I pull it back quickly remembering his last reaction. "Why is so important to you? Why do you want to know so badly?"
He scrubs his eyes for a second trying to rid himself of the tears. "Please Brian. You owe me that much. Where did you and he?"
"The living room." I whisper.
"You know whats sad. I prayed that it was anyone but Justin. A hustler, a trick, even Michael. Just as long is it wasn't Justin."
"Would it have made that big of a fucking difference?!" I scream, feeling like the world is closing in on me.
Kevin's head snaps up at that. "Yes. Brian. Yes. Because if it were a hustler, or a trick at most I would've known it was just a fuck. That there was nothing except the rush of you getting off. With Justin, God! With you and Justin it's so much different. You look at him like he's the only person in the room. Your eyes light up when he glances your way. Was I there just to fill the void he left?!"
"No. I love you."
"See that's where you're wrong. You never loved me." He runs his finger along the edge of the counter. "I want a divorce."
"What?" Comes my reply.
He just stares at me. "Don't act like you didn't know this was coming."
"I didn't."
A laugh fills the room. "Bullshit! Stop lying to me Brian. Stop fucking lying!"
"I don't know what you expect me to say."
"Say you entered into a marriage you knew was set to fail. Tell me that you were waiting for the day when Justin came back to you. I bet you an he laughed your asses off at how stupid I was for thinking that maybe things between us would fix themselves and we'd live happily ever after."
I take a step towards him. "Shut the fuck up. I told Justin I loved you. That I wanted things to work out."
"If you wanted things to work out so bad you wouldn't have seen him. Fucked him. Loved him." Kevin suddenly finds the floor tiles fascinating.
"Why is this all on me? I'm sure that you've done things behind my back. I'm not the only one to blame!" I scream.
He lifts his eyes. "You know what Brian? I may have been interested in other guys. They may have asked to take me home with them. The thing is Brian, I rememebered I was married. That I had a partner at home whom I loved and thought loved me. And yes I might have started alot of the arguments we had, but I would never do what you've done. What you've done is cruel and cold hearted."
"Kevin you understood I still had feelings for Justin. I told you the day we got married that a part of me would always love him."
Nodding at that he shrugs. "I didn't think that meant you'd still fuck him!"
"What do you want from me?!"
"Your signature on the God damn divorce papers!" Kevin yells with more tears. "I've already seen a lawyer. I'll have her send the papers over to you tomorrow. Now if you'll excuse me I guess I have some packing to do."
"Kevin.." I call to his retreating back.
He stops, but doesn't turn around.
"If it's anything to you, I really didn't want it to end this ugly. I did care for you." I tell him honestly.
I see him nod before going upstairs.
Taking a few moments, I head after him.
I find him sobbing as he puts his things into a case. He looks up when I enter the room.
"Why did you marry me?" He calms himself for a minute.
I sigh. I don't really want to get into this again. "Honestly?"
"Please."
"I didn't want to be alone any more." I say bluntly sitting on the bed. "It's not like I was telling myself to go out and get involved with someone. You and I just somehow happened. I didn't plan on it. I didn't even want it."
"Then why keep it going?" Kevin sits next to me.
"Because you reminded me of Justin."
He plays with his hands in his lap. "Did you ever love me?"
"I thought I could. I thought if I just convinced myself that I loved you I'd wake up one morning and I would. Kevin, I wanted to love you. I wanted to love you so much." I softly touch my hand to his cheek, grateful that he doesn't pull away.
"I know you did. But we can't keep living like this." He whispers.
I wipe away a few more of his tears and glance at the clock; 11:35 pm. "Tell you what. Why don't you just stay here tonight and tomorrow I'll drive you where ever you need to go."
"I.."
"Don't worry I'll stay in the guest room." I half smile.
"I guess that'd be alright." He replies slipping off his jeans and sliding into the bed. He's alseep almost immediately.
Taking a seat by the window I can't help but stare at him.
I still take you to bed, but it's the you I face instead
Where I use every word I never said to crack you open
There was barely room to breathe
Getting the skeptic to beleive that the goal wasn't to leave one of us broken
If it's true nothing gets close to you for fear of melting down
Then I've become the chosen one, an example for the crowd
I knew this day was doomed to come. But the hardest part is that he loves me. Really loves me. And I can't help but realize that this could have been avoided.
Your star is due for shooting and I'll be watching the night sky
In hopes by then what binds us has come untied
KEVINS POV
I know that he's watching me as I pretend to sleep. I feel like my whole life just fell apart into a billion tiny slivers. It is the hardest part to accept he knew we'd end up apart.
I'm the tune of a lesser band
Sea legs on dry land
Thinking how you foreited your hand to keep us from winning
I watch them orbiting around you now, just like you showed them how
And you reach out like the hand of God, a tap will keep them spinning
If it's true they flock to you without your shepards call
for change just let them range and see how far you fall
When I found that condom I had a gut feeling that this was it. That my marriage was over before I even had come to know it. I didn't realize things had gotten so bad that I subconciously didn't see it. How could I not see it? How could I not know that my husband was having an affair?
Your star is due for shooting and I'll be watching the night sky
In hopes that soon what binds us will come untied
Can I take it back? Can I take it back now?
It's what the loss of our friends brings
It's in the way you held my strings
It's now all the little things I can't help but down
Sometimes I wish I'd never known just how brilliantly you shown
Right before you threw the stone to cast me out.