Authors Notes: So here's another installment. I hope you all like it. I have to give a humungous thanks to the Foreverfolked cause she's the one who ultimately got me out of my rut. I've been pretty bad and her determination actually rubbed off on me, plus she even took the time out to look it over for my mistakes so thank you Love................SATURN
Something Or Other In Anothers' Hands Brian’s POV: ‘Buzz…’ The sound echoes in the silence of the loft. The silence that is truly terrifying me. Not to mention the look on Brian’s face. He looks almost confused, maybe even a little contemplative. Either thought terrifies me equally right now. “I need to get that,” He says softly as he gets up. I watch his movements with my eyes turning my head to follow him when he steps behind me. “No, what you need is to let that go and answer me.” I demand easily, but he pushes the button anyways. Not even bothering to ask who it might be before hand. Which is something he never does. This tells me that he just wants someone, anyone really, to come and save him from answering me. That knowledge hurts. Hell he won’t even look at me. Instead he’d rather face the door and look at the floor. “I can’t believe this.” I say rubbing a hand down my face. Then he starts to turn towards me. ‘Knock…Knock,’ “Fuck,” I mutter when he goes for the door once more. I’m never going to get him to answer me at this rate, and gods do I need his answer. “Twenty-two fifty,” I hear the delivery guy say but I don’t bother watching. I just look out the windows instead. “What the fuck are you doing here?” My heart speeds up at the possible prospects that could cause Brian to speak in such a detached tone. “Hunh?” I hear the delivery guy ask. I reluctantly turn towards the door and I have to say that I am relieved to see that it’s Ben standing there. I really don’t think I could deal with Deb or Michael right now. “Not you,” Brian dismissively says. Damn he is not happy right now. Not that I can blame him. Even though, I seriously doubt Ben ever meant to push him off the stairs, it doesn’t change the fact that, that is what happened. “I came to apologize,” Ben says sincerely. “And to make sure that you and Justin were alright.” “You push me down stairs, and you really think apologies are going to do it?” Brian questions way too calmly. That means he is more than just a little pissed right now. “Sorry’s bullshit,” that was a bit louder. Shit. “I know you think that,” Ben said trying to get Brian to see that he was serious. “But I swear I never meant to hurt you…” “Fuck that,” Brian cuts him off tightly and angrily. “You could’ve hurt Justin,” yeah, Brian doesn’t like that. “Brian calm down,” I say softly and he looks to me as if I have lost my mind. “Are you taking his side?” he questions sounding very confused. “It’s not a matter of taking sides,” he crinkles his brow a bit more if that’s possible. “You know he never meant to hurt either of us.” I reassure what I am sure he already knows. But Brian just shakes his head and makes his way to the breakfast bar setting down the bag of food. I watch him start to take the food out of the bag my mind starts going again. “Am I wrong Brian?” I ask before I can even think to stop myself. Shit, I know it’s a bad time but I obviously can’t help it. I have to know the truth. “We’re not doing this now.” Brian says turning to me with a look of finality, that just pisses me off. “Just tell me,” I say losing my patience. “There’s nothing to tell.” he says so evenly; as if that night meant absolutely nothing to him or Us. Suddenly my heart drops and I feel as if I’m being suffocated. SOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOS Brian’s POV: I watch his face fall. I really can’t believe I just said that, the way that I said that. Why did he have to back me into a corner with Ben here. Justin nods his head so sadly and I wonder not for the first time why I couldn’t have just kept my mouth shut? Fuck I never learn. “Give me a minute,” Justin says without any emotion what so ever as he looks to Ben. “And we’ll go.” Damn it no. Without waiting for a reply Justin moves to the bedroom, and automatically I follow him without so much as a thought. “Where are you going?” I ask tiredly as he puts on his shirt. He sits on the bed grabbing for his socks and starts to put them on before he looks to me and even though I don’t want to I can see the pain I have caused with just one sentence. “I’m going home,” okay, that stung. “This is your home.” I reiterate firmly because damn it, it is. This is where he belongs. Has been for a long time now. But he shakes his head and starts looking for his shoes. “No this is your home,” I can’t believe he still thinks that. But the sadness in his tone tells me he thinks exactly that. “My minds known that all along. But my heart was always trying to believe something different.” “Just stop and we’ll figure all this out,” I try but he just keeps going, sliding his other shoe on. “I think you just need a little time Brian,” this can’t be happening. “To figure out what you want. ’Cause it’s obvious you’ve always had doubts about me,” he gets up and walks to stand right in front me and we look into each others eyes. “And well that’s making me have doubts about us now. But if you find that in the end I am what you want, then we’ll take it slow.” I finally have to look away from him because I simply can’t take the pain in his eyes. Especially knowing that right now I have no way of taking it away. I wish I could but the words are just cemented in my throat. I feel his hand on the side of my cheek forcing me to look at him again and I do trying to rein in my feelings once more. But he has such sad eyes. “So I’m gonna go,” I nod my head not knowing what else to do and really not being able to say what he needs to hear to make all this stop. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and I wrap mine around his waist. Rising up a bit he stands on his tip toes and rest his head on my shoulder. I slowly run my hand up his back and run my fingers lightly through the hair at the back of his neck as the other hand goes to hold him by his hip. “You’ll call me?” I question against his ear. Because how else am I going to know what to do? “You’ll call me; when you’re ready,” fuck he’s putting Us in my hands? Why would he do that? He knows all too well that I have no clue how to do any of this. “Don’t do this?” I ask softly but what I really want to do is beg for him to take that back. “I have to.” he pulls back and I can see the determination that is practically being swallowed up by the pain and sadness in his eyes. Knowing this I do what I can and tighten my hold around him. The words may not come but I can still show him through my actions. I lean in and lightly place a kiss against his lips. I’m more than surprised to feel his tongue poking at my lips but I eagerly open to him. He instantly sweeps his tongue into my mouth and across my tongue before it becomes slow and reverent. I needed this, this way and he most likely does too. It’s something to hold on to as I figure this whole thing out. After a good minute he pulls back and I reluctantly let him placing our foreheads together. I’m just not ready to let him out of my arms. He’s got his eyes closed so I just watch him. He let’s a hard breath out before he leans his head back and looks to me with a small forced smile. “I’ll call you,” I say knowing my time is up, but hoping to reassure him. This won’t be the end of Us. “I hope so.” he says softly and leaning up he places a soft kiss on my lips. Before I have a chance for anything he quickly pulls back and out of my arms. It hurts watching him walk out on me once more so I stop myself from following his movements and just listen to their footsteps, then the roll and resounding click of the loft door being closed. Well this was a for shit day. I decide before crawling into a cold bed that should really have Justin in it. But for now it seems that won’t be happening. However, how in the fuck I am going to get him back where he belongs is beyond me right now. But I remember that he said that if he is what I want that we’d take it slow. Now, since he is what I want I guess I’ll just have to figure out how exactly to take it slow. After all, I’ve never had to do slow before. Other than a fuck every now and again. But I digress. Shit. I need to figure out how to assure him that he is really what I want. Damn it. I really should’ve never let him walk out of here with that fucked up thought floating around in his pretty little head. Yeah, that’s definitely going to have to be the first problem I face. Fuck, this shit’s hard. With that thought I grab Justin’s pillow and smash it over my face. Trying desperately to concentrate on his scent instead of all these horrible thoughts. SOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOS Justin’s POV: I tuck my arm into Ben’s, trusting him to get us back to the apartment. My head is just so fogged and muddled right now that I can’t seem to concentrate on directions. I can’t believe I just did all that. I can’t believe I just shoved Brian into a corner like that with Ben standing right there. Big mistake. I mean I could see what I was doing and I knew that it was a stupid move, but I just couldn’t seem to stop myself. I just had to have the answer, the truth. I doubt I got the whole truth though. I mean there’s a chance of course that my love sick mind exaggerated what I saw. But there was something in his eyes that night, something he was trying to tell me. However; he wouldn’t admit to anything. So, I’m putting Us in his hands, not too sure if that’s the smartest move I’ve ever made. I’m just so tired though. Tired of guessing where I stand, where he stands, where we stand. That is if there ever was technically a we; an Us. See I just don’t know anymore, and I’m sorry to say that’s become a huge problem. For me anyway. He’s always fighting me so damn hard. I usually contributed this to his loveless yet hate filled childhood. I mean that’d fuck up anyone. Which is why I just kept on fighting, what I thought was our way forward. But maybe he was fighting for different reasons all together. See what I’m talking about? I have to constantly guess about his state of mind. It’s exhausting. I figure that putting our future in his hands will at least take away my confusion though. Or at least the part about him wanting me to even be in his life. If he calls then he does indeed want me and we’ll work things out. Slowly. Now if he doesn’t call then he just doesn’t want me. Which isn’t even something I care to entertain. But let’s face it, it’s a very real possibility. Shit is it ever. “We’re here,” Ben says bringing me out of my very maudlin thoughts. He holds the door open for me and we both go in and use the elevator to the second floor. When we make it to the door I pull out my keys to open it for the first time. Realizing, as I do that I still have all the keys to loft. I shake my head not willing to confront the meaning at this time. Instead I shove the according key into the hole using way more force than what is necessary. Taking a deep breath to try and calm myself knowing that taking out my frustration on a key isn’t the answer. In fact it will only cause me to probably break the damn thing off in the lock. Which isn’t a very good idea. With another breath I calmly turn the key over and open the door. Walking through I leave it open for Ben as I make my way to my room. “Justin?” I hear Ben question tentatively with a click of the door. I stop slowly turning to him. “Are you okay?” “Not really,” I say trying really hard to not show just how fucked up I am over this situation. “Come on,” He says coming and taking my hand leading me to the couch. We sit down and turn to each other, “tell me what happened.” “I think I may have pushed to hard,” I really think I did. “I don’t understand,” and of course he doesn’t. I haven’t even given him anything to go off of. How to explain? “I remembered more of the prom,” I can see the confusion settle over him even more so before a look of shock hits. “That was you…” He trails off. “Right, you weren’t around for that ride,” I chuckle, humorlessly of course. “I never even thought…” this guy really has a thing with unfinished sentences. “Yep, that was me,” I say with a quick fake smile. “So you didn’t remember anything?” He asks sadly. “Before last night I only remembered Brian calling my name,” I take a deep breath as the memory takes me. “I turned towards him but I only saw a bat coming at me, and then there was nothing.” “God Justin,” He takes me into a hug and I lye my head on his shoulder. Then the new memories of that night seem to take away the sting of the ultimate end. “We danced to this corny old song,” I say with a true laugh as I sit back. “He looked so good in his all black suit, god,” I remember being so hard. I also distinctly remember he was just as hard. “Daphne was right,” I look to him with a smile. “So hot.” “This all sounds like a good thing,” He smilingly says. “It is,” and that part is, “but,” and isn’t there always a but one way or another when it comes to Brian and I? “there were some questions that only Brian could answer, and I pushed him to answer them before he was ready.” “He’s such an asshole,” He says with a contemptuous tone that I’ve never heard him use before and I raise a brow. “I can’t believe he’d keep the truth of that night from you. That’s just way too low even for him.” “I may not like it,” I say calmly. “But if you know, and somewhat understand Brian, you somewhat get his inability to do and say certain things.” “And everyone just lets him get away with it,” He looks away and when he looks back he looks a bit calmer. “You’re just going to let him get away with it?” but now he just seems so helpless. I feel much the same way. But what he doesn’t seem get is that, I can’t force Brian to be ready for something like this. No matter how much I wish I could. “He’ll call me,” I say standing up. “If and when he’s ready.” I smile a small smile but I take my leave. I may not always like or hell, even understand Brian’s way of doing things; it’s harsh and it’s hard. But, I have learned that if you want Brian in your life you have to go with it. I want Brian in my life so I have gone through all the ups and downs, hoping that one day he might ease up on the controls a bit. SOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOSOOS Brian’s POV: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Monday Morning Diner ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As I walk into the diner I make a quick inconspicuous scan for Justin. He must be in the back. I do however see that my booth is open so I make my way. As I slide in I see Deb come flying out of the kitchen. I wonder what the rush is? I watch her take an order at the front booth before she starts rushing back my way. “You better slow down before you lose your hair Deb,” I say with my tongue making it’s way to my cheek. “Brian,” She sounds and even looks surprised as she comes to a halt at the side of my booth. “How’re you doing Baby?” She asks with a sudden look of motherly concern as she pats my cheek. What the fuck? “Peachy,” I sarcastically reply not feeling at all comfortable with the way she is acting towards me. “You just missed Michael,” on purpose. “Running a little behind this morning,” is my only excuse. “Deb our food?” a customer yells very impatiently from the corner booth. “Hold your fucking balls,” She yelled back then turns to him, “or better yet hold his,” She pointed to the man sitting beside him and said, “that ‘oughta keep ya busy.” She says with a smile and a chuckle as she turns back to me. “Where’s Justin?” I’m confused as to why he’s not out here helping her already. “Can you believe that little shit up and quit?” she says indignantly putting her hand on her hip. Damn it. I should’ve seen this coming. “He didn’t even tell me,” she’s screeching now. “No! Instead he came in last night and told Tony. When he knew I was off!” “Take it easy Deb,” I hope this small statement will get her to calm just a bit. Fuck he’s going to cut himself off from everything that could possibly put him in the position to deal with Michael. Not that I can blame him. “I guess after what Ben and he did to you and Michael,” what the fuck? “I shouldn’t be surprised.” “What the fuck are you talking about?” I ask frustrated as hell. “Oh I’m sorry Baby,” She says sadly, but it only serves to piss me off further. “I know it must be hard.” “What’s hard is not having a clue as to what you’re referring to,” I hate not knowing what’s going on. Her brow furrows as she leans into my ear. “Michael told me,” She whispers softly into my ear and it worries me to think of just what he could’ve told her. “How Ben and he left you two, to be together,” I feel my blood boiling inside of me as I flinch away from her and her words. “I’m so sorry Baby. I know just how much you cared for him.” “That’s what Michael told you?” I ask reluctantly looking into her heartbroken eyes. “You should really go see him,” She says nodding her head. “he was still so heartbroken this morning.” “I think I will go check on him,” I say quickly standing up, forcing Deb to jump out of my way. “Good for you,” She says a bit less saddened as she grabs me into a hug. “You’ll need each other to get through this.” At that I extract myself from her grasp, and angrily stride out the door, not even being able to muster up a goodbye in my wake. God I can’t believe he’d do this. I mean why would he do this? We’re the ones who fucked up here not them. And yet here he is, trying to make it sound as if this is what they had planned all along. As if their reasoning for leaving us had no barring on us cheating on them. Which is exactly what it was, no matter how much I hate that term. I jump into the Jeep and start to make my way to the shop. I know what happened and I know that we’re to blame and I won’t let Mikey blame this on Justin. It’s not going to happen. Not to mention it makes no sense for him to go around telling people this in the first place. It’s not like the truth won’t eventually come out. I wonder if this is why Justin didn’t want to go to the diner yesterday? Was that her calling him to bitch him out, and if so why didn’t he just tell her the truth? Most likely to protect me. He is always more worried about what’ll happened to me than to himself. Stubborn ass. I pull up to the shop and park right up front, and jump out slamming the door behind me. I watch the Jeep shake for a second from the force of it before I take a deep breath. I know I am going to go in there and end up ripping off his head if I don’t calm myself just a bit. “Brian!” Michael says rushing out the door with a huge smile on his face. I start towards him and grab his elbow and force him back towards the shop. “What’s wrong?” “Inside,” I say flatly as I swing open the door. “now,” there is absolutely no way I will have this conversation out here in the open of Liberty Ave. They don’t need any more shit on me than they already have since Michael’s outburst at Babylon the other night. “Brian,” He whines as I let go of his arm making him stumble just a bit from the abruptness. “What’s wrong with you?” I wipe my forefinger over my top lip trying to compose what little restraint I have. “What were you thinking lying to your mother like that?” He gets a strange look on his face, and I wonder just how obtuse he’s going to play this scene. “I didn’t lie to her about anything,” obviously to its very limit. “That’s funny,” I say with a furrowed brows, “because when I went in there this morning she told me, just how sorry she was,” I can see the understanding in his eyes. I know he knows just what he did. Even if he tries to play as though it was the truth. “That Ben and Justin left us to be a couple,” yes, I’m paraphrasing but that’s exactly what she meant and probably the exact line he used. “And?” He questions. I huff a laugh at his incompetence. I really can’t believe that he’d do this. “Why are you doing this,” I ask and he gets a determined look. “it makes no sense to me. So maybe you could explain it.” “Justin used this opportunity to get to Ben,” I feel my eyebrows shoot up in surprise at that comment. “So in reality that’s what really happened. But I’m not too worried. Ben’s smart and he’ll figure out Justin’s using him soon and throw him out,” is he serious? I look into to his eyes and see that yes indeed he is. Fuck! “But in the mean time,” He says with a smile as he steps towards me and I in turn take a step back. “I think we should really try to work on us.” “There is never going to be an us in that way Mikey,” I say calmly trying to make him understand. He steps back and loses his smile. “I can’t believe you’re going to pick him over me,” He says with tears swimming in his eyes. “I’m the one who’s always stood by you no matter what,” a tear falls and I take a deep breath. “When at the first sign of your true nature he runs away. Yet you’re still willing to pick him over me?” “What exactly are you talking about?” I ask because that statement made no sense. Justin has never left me over just tricking. No, he left me over fucking Michael and I agree that, that’s something much, much more. Too much for me to have put him through. If only I’d thought before acting. So stupid. “I wouldn’t and have never tried to change you Brian,” He says almost pleadingly, “I want you just the way you are.” God that’s such bullshit. He’d want everything from me. Everything I have never wanted to give. Not just to him but to anyone. They have never measured up. Nobody has. Except for Justin. But then again that’s not even the point. “You don’t understand Mikey,” I already told him this but maybe he needs to hear it again. “it’s not that I don’t want to change… somewhat, it’s that Justin is the only one I’ve found that makes me want to change.” Get it Mikey. Get it. “That’s not you.” He says adamantly. “And yet here I am, telling you that it is?” I say with a scoff. Unbelievable. “I know who you are,” He says. “I’ve known since the first day I met you…” “Yet you’re wanting me to go against my rules for you?” I question calmly trying to see where he’s going in all this ‘cause I seriously don’t understand. “You broke them for him,” he says with distaste. “and you‘ve already broken some for me,” yep coming back to bite me again. “So I know I mean more to you than you’re letting on,” so he knows Justin means more to me? He’s confusing me. “much more than he ever could,” so confusing. “You’re right you do mean a lot to me Michael,” I say watching a small smile appear, “but here’s where you have it wrong,” I watch his brow furrow a bit, “Justin means more to me than anyone could ever know,” I say with pure conviction. “I want him in my life. In every way possible, and I will have him. Because I always get what I want.” “You’re being ridiculous Brian,” He says rushed. “What could he possibly have that I don’t ten times over when it comes to you?” “It’s not about you,” I say losing my patience. God why can’t he see this? “It’s never been about you,” I can see the confusion sitting in his eyes. “It’s about me and the way he makes me feel.” “I can do that for you…” “No you can’t,” I say angrily and his mouth gapes open. “He’s the one for me. He’s the one I chose for me,” he shakes his head and I can see the tears swell in his eyes again. I wish I didn’t have to do this but it’s the only way to get through to him it seems. “You’re going to have to accept that if you want to continue being friends in any capacity.” “No,” He says as the tears fall and he shakes his head. “if you chose to be with him then it’s over.” “You don‘t know what you‘re doing,” I say trying to make him see it’s not going to be good. “I won’t keep going on like this with you Brian,” He says, and I know he’s hurting but what can do I do? I can’t lose Justin. I won’t let him dictate my life like that. “I know we belong together,” I shake my head. “and if you’re not willing to admit that, and be with me, than we can’t be anything.” “If that’s the way you feel than I can accept that,” I can see the glimmer of hope in his eyes and I hate that I am about to smash it. “I will keep my distance from you from now on.” “No Brian this is your choice.” He says angrily before he turns his back on me. I sigh, knowing that all this has brought about the end of a friendship that has lasted for over sixteen years. I wish I had never even considered going to the comic shop that night. I wish at the very least that I would have thought about the consequences to my actions. But I never did and now we are all suffering because of them. “If you don’t tell your mother what really happened,” I say, watching his shoulders shake but knowing that neither of us can let Ben nor Justin take the fall for our actions. “I will.” Knowing nothing else can be done I turn and walk out the shop door. Fuck. My life just keeps getting worse and worse.