Authors Notes: Big thing here. This is for Foreverfolked as a belated birthday gift. I still have your package and I will explain more when we talk. But Happy, Happy Birthday! Okay so I have figure out that it is impossible for me to write a short story. This story is turning out to be a lot longer than originally thought. So there will be more after this chapter. Hope that's a good thing for all of you. It's not all that long, only about six pages but it's something right? I hope you all enjoy it. Let me know..............SATURN
Something Or Other Why Give Up? Why Give In? Justin’s POV: I can’t even believe that I remember so much more of that night myself. So hearing the doubt in his voice it doesn’t even seem to faze me. But I don’t know if I am all to ready to talk about it. Even with him. Or at least not now, after what he… “Jus?” he questions bringing me out of my thoughts. “Not now Brian,” I say and I can feel his jaw opening. “Just not yet.” I reinforce. I feel him place a kiss on top of my head and let out a sigh. I let one of my own out as well feeling a bit better knowing I won’t have to talk about it just yet. I mean why couldn’t this shit have happened a week ago; me remembering that is. And why couldn’t the other tragedy that is hindering us never have happened at all? I have to snap myself out of that kind of thinking though, because seriously the what if’s could kill a guy here. I feel his hold tighten on me for a second… “Let’s get some sleep,” he says nudging the side of my face and I look up to the man I love more than anything else in this world and feel my heart break just a little bit more. “Sound good?” “Sure,” I say trying to force a smile that I don’t feel what so ever and I watch as his eyes get sad. Which is weird since he never, ever lets me see such things. But I guess it shouldn’t surprise me since this whole night he’s been showing me things he’s never let me see before. Maybe it’s been unconsciously done but for some reason I am seriously doubting that. He’s never not been capable of hiding from me if he’s really wanted too. “I’m gonna fix this Justin.” he says seriously and very suddenly and it surprises the fuck out of me. “I…” don’t know what the fuck to say to such a thing coming from him anyways. I mean hell if it would’ve been anyone else, fine but not him. “I know. It’s alright,” he says calmingly then leans down and places a soft kiss on my lips, which I return. I just don’t know what else to do right now. He’s thrown me way off familiar ground here. “For now let’s just sleep.” he says softly as he gets us back into our former position. I wish I could say something. Anything that would make this situation feel a bit more normal to me but I can’t come up with anything. At least not yet. Shit he always knows just how to throw me. Just when I think I’ve got him he changes the rules on me. This time though I’m not to sure if I should be worried or just fucking ecstatic. Maybe a little bit of both would be appropriate. It’s just that this man… this man has the ability to rip out my heart and he has used that power one to many times over me, even though I now know he loves me. Which I’m sorry to say I wouldn’t believe if I hadn’t seen it in his eyes the night of my prom. But I did and now I have no doubts what so ever. I just wish he would stop fighting it, or at the very least stop being so scared of it that he lashes out at me. I know now that’s probably why he does half the shit he does, but it simply doesn’t make it any easier to go through. I do find myself wondering why he can’t be like he was tonight more often. He broke so many of his rules for me tonight. Not that it’s never happened before cause he’s broken a lot of them for me. But the ones he’s broken tonight have meant so much to me. The apology for starters, well I just really needed to know that he recognized his actions to be a mistake and to take responsibility for it, and he did, and it meant a lot to me. But the most important thing he did for me tonight is the way he made love to me. There’s just no other way to put it, ‘cause there is no other explanation for it. He put all of his feelings into it, and it felt as though he wasn’t holding anything back. Like he was giving me everything I had ever wanted from him through his actions. As if I could hear everything I had ever wanted to hear from him through his actions. It was all there for my taking, and I took it all. I gave back as well. I didn’t hold my feelings for him back. I let them show through in my touches, and kisses, and licks just as I felt him doing for me. I just hope he could feel it. Could taste it. Not really sure what else I could do for him if he couldn’t, because right now I don’t have it in me. I can’t imagine giving him my blind faith this time around. Nor can I imagine just jumping right in. I think we need to take our time, and if this is really what he wants… if I’m really what he wants, then in the end it will all be worth it. For both of us. But if I’m not, then maybe he’ll figure it out before I get my heart obliterated once more. I’ll have to let him in on my thoughts, and I’m sure that he’ll fight me over it. However this is going to have to be the way it is. Otherwise I don’t think I can do this again. But I’ll tackle all that in the morning, cause right now I can feel my mind starting to drift and all I want to do is sleep. I am just so wiped out. Emotionally, and physically that I just really need this. To sleep wrapped in his arms where I know I am loved. ::SOO:: I can see the light behind my eyes and feel his arms wrapped around me and all of this makes me feel so warm inside. I feel the smile creeping over my face and I don’t try to fight it. I want to enjoy this moment for as long as I have it. Because he will pull away as soon as he wakes up, and it always hurts. But, I have learned to deal with it by basking in the moments I do get with him like this. Suddenly I remember what needs to be done today and I feel myself cringe at all that it entails. I feel his grip on me tighten a bit and I try to relax so he won’t wake up just yet. I don’t want to go through all this just yet. I just want to lye here and bask. “Hmm,” I hear him almost sigh and I know my time is up. So I turn my head just a bit so I can see him as he lifts up on his elbow and what I see is definitely different. It‘s a small smile. “Hey,” he says leaning over and giving me a kiss for which I return. What the hell’s going on? “Did you sleep okay?” I find myself very confused at his proximity, and his questioning gaze, and very much so at his concern for my sleeping patterns. He never asks. He never stays this close and he never gets this goofy smile in the morning after he’s found himself wrapped around me. “Jus?” he questions again. “Um…yeah fine,” I say with a wobbly questioning voice. This is more than a little weird. “Good,” he says as he pulls away and this is a little more like it. But then I feel him tug on my arm and I roll to the side so I am on my back. Now I seem to be back to the twilight zone, cause he’s leaning over me with a smile and now he’s kissing me softly and tenderly. What else can I do but try to relax and kiss him back; so I do. I feel his arm snaking underneath mine so I move it over his shoulder and he rubs his fingers against my shoulder blade. It makes me shiver a bit. ‘Bang..bang..bang,’ we hear against the door and we both look towards it, cause someone wants in badly. “Just ignore it,” he says looking back to me. As I look back to him I can see that he really just wants to let it go and have us stay here in our own little world. I decide that, that’s exactly what I want right now so I lean up and kiss him once more with the pounding still going. However it’s not going over very well because as he is rolling over the house phone starts to ring. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” he sighs out as I lean back with my brow furrowed. “Don’t worry they’ll leave a message,” I finally say as I watch him rubbing his temple. He looks to me and a small smile comes over his face once more before he leans down and kisses me again. But just as his lips touch mine his cell phone and mine go off. “Okay this is just to weird.” I say with a shake of my head as he pulls back; looking very angry I might add. “No this is just fucked!” he yells as he practically jumps out of bed, and grabs his phone flipping it open as he walks naked towards the door. “What?!” he yells into the phone and I figure I might as well bite the bullet as well and grab my pants and get my phone out of my pocket flipping it open. “Hello?” I say much nicer than my other half. “Sunshine!” Debbie screeches into the phone, and unfortunately I am reminded of Michael. That sent a very uncomfortable shiver down my spine. Shit that’s nasty. “Deb…” “Don’t you Deb me mister,” she yells into the phone and I have to pull it away from my ear. “Michael told me you and Ben are living together!” what the fuck? “What the fuck is going on?” my thoughts exactly. “Deb,” I sigh into the phone. “I never thought you would do something like this Justin,” wait a fucking minute. “What exactly is it you think I did?” I say not being able to hold back my anger at her accusations. “Don’t you play dumb with me Sunshine…” “I can’t believe that little shit!” I yell into the phone. “Watch your mouth!” she yells back. “I can’t believe this,” “He’s here!” I hear Michael yell from the living room and this morning just turned to shit real quick. I ignore him for a moment though and try to deal with Deb. “Maybe you should talk to your son again Deb, and then get back to me.” I say and hang up my phone with her muffled voice sounding in the back round. Brian’s POV: I can’t believe this shit. It was him. All of it was him. The door, the phones; all him. This is ridiculous. “He’s here?!” he screeches and pushes past me. Shit! “Michael!” I yell and grab his arm right before he gets to the steps and he whirls around on me with a look of disgust. Well fuck him! “You stay away from him.” “Did the little shit run and tell you I hit him?” he mocks and I feel my grip on his arm tighten. “Tell me you did not lay a fucking hand on him,” I say tightly. Please tell me he didn’t. I watch the look in his eyes and I am still hoping it’s not the truth. “He deserved so much more!” he literally spits out. I pull my arm back but right as I am about to bring it down on Michael I feel a hand on my arm pulling it back. “Brian,” Justin says strongly, but calmly from behind me and I look back to him. He looks so calm as he takes my hand in his twining our fingers together and squeezing. “It’s fine.” “Fuck you,” I hear Michael say as I feel him moving closer to Justin I whip around and tighten my hold on him just that much more. Which seems to stop his movement. “Why don’t you just leave and go back to your newest Sugar Daddy.” “You need to get the fuck out,” I say trying not to lose it completely on him. “Brian,” he looks to me with imploring eyes. “He’s taking you, and now Ben for a ride and neither of you see it!” “Get the fuck out now,” I say letting go of Justin’s hand and pulling Michael behind me as I head him for the door. “No!” he yells yanking himself from my grip, which surprises me. “Whoa,” I hear Justin say as I turn around to see Michael right in Justin’s face. “You better get the fuck out of the way…” is all he gets out before I have him back in my grasp and then out the door. “I swear it Justin!” he says as I slam the door shut not even bothering to look at him as I close it. “Fuck!” I hear him yell from behind door and I just grip the handle a little tighter to keep myself from going out there and kicking his ass. “Hey,” Justin says as he rubs my back. “You alright?” he asks and I can’t believe he’s asking me that after everything just pretty much came down on him. I turn around and take his face into my hands, and sure enough I can see the faint signs of a hand print on his cheek. “That fucking ass hole,” I seethe through clenched teeth. I am torn right now as to whether I should stay here or go and beat the shit out of Michael for ever even contemplating putting a hand on Justin. Let alone actually doing it, and that’s it. I start to turn towards the door but I feel Justin’s arms come around my waist and that seems to stop me. I need to be here with him. “Where do you think you’re going?” he says with a playful smile. God how can he do that? “No where,” I say finally and wrap my arms around his neck pulling him as close as possible. “I’m not going anywhere.” “Good,” he says looking up to me with a smile which I return as I lean down and kiss him. I hope he can feel just how grateful I am that he’s here with me. How grateful I am that he managed to stop me from doing something, I know I would’ve regretted. No matter how much I know Michael deserved it. I still don’t want to be anything like my father, and that would’ve made me just like him. Settling things with my fist. This is not who I want to be. Justin knows that and he managed to save me from it. Yeah, he’s the one. I think as I slowly let my tongue play against his lips. He opens up almost immediately and I let my tongue play against his. Just the way he tastes can drive me crazy, and the way he kisses well… just damn like I said it could make a guy fall for him. And to think he’s always had it. From the very first night he’s always had it. “Mmmm,” I moan out as his tongue flicks against mine and sends a shiver straight to my dick. ’Ring…ring…ring’ he tries to pull away but I hold him tightly against me. I reach over and grab the phone off the counter and turn it off. I don’t care who it is or what they want. Justin and I need this time together. We need the quiet. I set the phone down and reach over to my cell grabbing it and turning it off as well before I set it down. Turning my full and undivided attention to this gorgeous man in my arms where it belongs. I pull back a bit breaking our kiss and run my hand down his cheek. His eyes are sparkling and it makes me happy knowing I put the sparkle back in them. I never thought I would have the pleasure again. I hear his stomach grumble and we both let out a chuckle. “Hungry?” “I guess so,” he says looking down at his stomach. “Want to go get something?” I ask and he looks up to me. “We could go to the diner.” “I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” he says his face some what pained. “You love the diner,” I say not understanding why he’s so reluctant to go. “Yeah, but I don’t think Deb would be to happy to see me right now.” he says pulling away from me and moving towards the couch. “You’re her golden boy,” I say with a laugh of disbelief. Where is he getting this from. “Yeah well…” he doesn’t finish his sentence as he flops down on the couch and now I am worried. I make my way over to the couch and move him up and position myself behind him. “I’m obviously missing something,” I say kissing the side of his head. “You wanna fill me in?” “Don’t really wanna talk about it.” he says quietly and that kinda worries me as well. He hasn’t wanted to talk about anything with me. He always wants to talk with me. Always wants me to get involved with the conversation, and now that I am finally ready, he’s not willing to give me anything. He doesn’t even want to talk about what he remembers of the prom. But I don’t want to push him. I know he needs time to trust me again, and I know he won’t give his trust over so willingly this time. But he’s giving me the opportunity to earn it back, so that’s something at least. I just have to be patient and hope that I can earn it back in time. “So we’ll order in then,” I say scotching him up a bit. I slide myself off the couch and hurriedly grab the phone before I head back to my place behind Justin. “So what would you like?” I ask once we’re comfortable again. “Hmm,” he says and I know I’m in trouble. “Is the pizza place open yet?” he asks seriously and I look over to the clock seeing that it’s only nine in the morning. Thank the gods I am saved for the time being. “Sorry, not for another two hours,” I say trying my best to sound regretful. “Sure you are,” he says turning his head to look at me. So I just give him my best innocent smile. Which I get a kiss for before he turns around and leans against my chest again. “Okay then, I guess just order something from the deli around the corner,” he says sounding satisfied, so that’s good. “Your usual?” “Yeah.” he says and starts to fiddle with his shirt, and I just realize that I am still naked. Hmmm? Justin’s POV: This is nice. I know though that I shouldn’t be so relaxed. But I can’t seem to help it. Everything is just so crazy right now, that I need to just let myself be here in this wonderful moment. Although I haven’t forgotten what it is that we need to discuss later on. How could I? everything seems to be flying in my face today. As if all this was my fault. Well maybe it was partially; for opening my mouth that is. But this shit has gone to far. I’m not the one who fucked some else’s boyfriend. Nor did I use anyone or fuck with anyone’s head to get what I wanted. These things I had nothing to do with. So why I am getting blamed for it is beyond me right at this moment. I’m sure though that it will all get straightened out of course. It’s just, I don’t appreciate getting yelled at for something I didn’t do first thing in the morning. Fucking Michael. I can’t believe that little shit is trying to play all this off on me. How screwed in the head is he? I knew though it was going to be hard. I just had no idea he would blame Brian’s inability to be with him on me. I mean how is that my fault? “Stop it,” I hear Brian say against my ear. “Hunh,” I laughingly breathe out. “Easy for you to say.” “Justin…” he says quietly and I know something’s up and I just don’t want to deal with it right now. But I’m gonna have to. “Hmm?” “Would you tell me what you remember?” I feel myself freeze up but he starts to rub my arms and I try to relax. However it’s not easy. “I have to know.” he has to know. Now I know this sounds selfish and your right it is but I don’t want to talk about. I’m scared that if I open myself up to him about what I know he’ll use it against me. But he has to know and even I know without a doubt he deserves to know. After everything he’s done for me through out my recovery and even more so since he was there with me that night. “I don’t remember all of it,” I say quietly and I feel him nod his head against mine. “But I remember us dancing…and you looked so happy,” I turn towards him for and he moves his head back so I can see his eyes. “Were you happy?” I need to know this. I need to know I’m not just imagining things. “I was.” he says and I can see the honesty in his eyes. Oh thank the gods. I nod my head and lye my head against his chest with out turning away again. He wraps his arms around me once more and I start again. “I remember I was just as happy…” and this part is hard to get out. But he needs to know so I take a deep breath. “And I fell so much more in love with you for being there with me.” I feel his arms tighten around me and it helps me to go on. “I remember all their faces… I even remember seeing Chris out of the corner of my eye,” I feel him cringe and I start to run slow circles across his arm. “He looked so angry… and jealous.” “Closeted motherfucker,” Brian says harshly against the top of my head then kisses me and lingers there. “Yeah well, we both knew that.” I say calmly because what else is there? We can’t change how he feels or how he wants to live his life. “Do you remember more?” he asks interrupting my thoughts. Which is good. “I remember you lifted me off the floor,” I feel the smile come over me at this memory. “Then, you kissed me…” this next part is hard as well. But with a kiss from him and as he twines our fingers together I finally say what I hope I didn’t make up in my head. “When you pulled away, and I looked in your eyes…” can I say this? He squeezes my hand again so I know he wants me to say it. No matter what it is. “I saw love there.” I wait for him to say something, anything. But as the minutes tick by I feel myself doubting what I remember. Could I have been wrong? Does he not love me? I decide I need to know, before we go any further. I sit up and he doesn’t fight me and finally I look at him. I can see the relief in his eyes, but I am still unsure of what the relief is for. “Am I wrong Brian?” I ask seriously. “Am I just projecting what I wanted to see? What I needed to see?” I wait another minute and right as he opens his mouth I feel relief and fear grip me all at once. ‘Buzzz,’