First off I have to give a big huge thank you to my beta Amanda she did a wonderful job with this chapter. It was really long and yet she did it perfectly. Okay now this chapter is taking that turn I have been talking about so you should all be happy about that. I also explain his condition too. So it's double the fun. I hope you all enjoy it.......SATURN
One More Way To Go Turning Point Brian’s POV: ~~~~~~~~~~~ The Next Day ~~~~~~~~~~~ I spent half the night wondering why this Trent guy felt so comfortable as to go into Justin’s bedroom and get undressed all without saying anything. And on top of all that I was wondering why he was sleeping with Justin in the first place. I mean why wasn’t he going to the couch to sleep? He obviously didn’t know I was here so why wouldn’t he be sleeping on the couch? He should’ve been on the couch. I mean shit Justin said they were just friends, and no one not Deb, Emmett or Ted said anything about Justin having a boyfriend. I doubt that Ted would’ve let me come if he knew Justin was seeing Trent that way. I just don’t get why they were sleeping together. Or were they sleeping? Oh God damn it! I just had a visual. Not that Trent’s not a good looking guy it’s just... I just don’t want to think about it that’s all. I need to stop thinking, and I really need a big cup of coffee. I head to the kitchen and find Trent and Emmett already talking and holding cups of coffee. Yes! I don’t have to make it. I suck at making my own coffee. “Good morning He- Man,” Emmett says with a huge smile on his face. “You just had to tell him about that hunh?” I say towards Trent and he’s got a big smile on his face as well. “You can’t expect me to keep a near death experience like that to myself.” I tilt my head with my tongue in cheek. It’s amazing how he escalated the whole thing; near death experience my ass. “True,” I say, because I might as well play along. I grab the coffee pot and the mug Emmet’s holding out for me, but as I’m getting my coffee ready I feel their eyes on me so I lift my head. “What?” “You want a little coffee with that?” Trent asks completely serious. “What can I say? I like my coffee sweet,” I say with a lift of my eyebrows. “It looks like you don’t like coffee at all,” he retorts. “On the contrary I can’t live without my coffee,” I say lifting my mug before I take a sip. “So is Justin up yet?” I ask as casually as possible, and still they look at each other as if they just knew I was going to ask. I hate people sometimes. “Why do you ask?” Emmet asks and I completely change my mind to hating people all the time. “I wanted to talk to him, about this condition.” It’s partially true. “You weren’t able to tell me everything and I’d really like to know what’s going on.” “Oh, well he went to work,” Trent says casually. “He what?” He doesn’t seem to be up to anything lately. “He went to work,” he repeats himself slower. “Yeah I got it the first time. What I don’t get is why he went to work.” “One of the clients freaked over the layout of his site and would only deal with Justin,” Trent says and he doesn’t seem to be all too happy with this idea either. “So he went in.” “Well how was he feeling? I mean was he hurting?” He is so stubborn, he should’ve let someone else take care of this or told the client to shove it up their ass. “He said he was fine,” Emmett interjects, but I look to Trent he’s the one that would know for sure. “What?” he says after taking a sip of his coffee. “How was he?” It’s not like he missed it in the first place. “Emmett just told you, he said he was fine.” He’s too nonchalant about it though. “I know how stubborn and determined he is, so I also know that he would’ve said he was fine even if he was in extreme pain. So do you think he was okay.” I change my question a bit. “I think he was alright,” he says nodding his head, but I don’t know if I believe him. “I’m gonna get into the shower.” I think I may head down to his office to see for myself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin’s POV: This man is beyond infuriating. I swear if he says ‘Well I don’t know’ one more time I’m gonna slap him. “So what about this Mr. Thatcher?” I asks holding up the tenth board I have drawn today. “Maybe we should change the color to a bright yellow,” I can feel the disgusted look on my face before I can stop it. I mean he just can’t be serious. Does this man have no taste whatsoever? There is no way I am going to put my name on something that is pure crap, so I am going to have to get this guy off his train of thought because that is exactly where this project is going… straight to crap. “Listen Mr. Thatcher,” I say putting down the board. “I really want you to like the work being done on your account. However you don’t seem to want us to create anything on this account.” “Oh Justin that’s not true,” he says shaking his head. “You’ve turned down every idea that we’ve come up with,” I say seriously. “And they were all wonderful ideas that were well thought out and looked over. They even got great reviews on our test audiences.” he doesn’t seem fazed by this argument though. “So I need you to tell me exactly what it is that your after from us, because right now I’m thinking if you don’t like our work, we could always give you back your contract.” He seems more than surprised at my willingness to sever ties with his company and I don’t blame him. He’s a huge account, but like I said I won’t have my company’s name on shit. “You really think that’s for the best Justin?” he says with just a bit of snootiness, and damn that makes me want to laugh. “Well we can’t seem to make you happy with our work, so maybe it is.” He wants snooty I can be just as blasé’ “We are a huge account Justin and you’d be willing to just throw us away?” He seems to be getting angry with me now. “Look Mr. Thatcher my company has a reputation of being the best graphics company on the east coast. We’ve won countless awards for designs and originality, and I’m not willing to lose that over any account,” I can’t believe I'm having to spell this out for him. “So if you’re not willing to let us work our magic and make your site one of the best, just like we’ve done with every other site we’ve ever had then yes I am more than willing to lose you as a client.” Either this guy is going to let me start doing it my way or he can walk. Either way I’m a happy camper. “I’ll have to think about this,” he says sounding a bit put out but I could really care less. “You do that Mr. Thatcher and then give me a call when you’ve decided.” I finish and he gets up puts on his coat and leaves. When he’s gone I let a long hard breath out while rubbing my hands over my eyes and leaning back in my chair. I really didn’t want to come out here today, I wanted to get Brian out of my house and visit some more with Em and Trent. Maybe even sleep if I could, cause after everything happened last night I couldn’t get back to sleep. My head was going a million miles a minute with all the thoughts about Brian and why he’s here and all the times I spent with him before I came here and then all the times he whispered I love you to me and broke my heart a little more. It just all kept going through my head like a movie on repeat, and I hated every minute of it. I would’ve loved to have been able to watch some TV to maybe get my mind off of it a little bit, but it would’ve woken up Trent and I couldn’t go out to the living room because of Brian. I hate not being able to do what I want in my own home. I wonder if that is how Brian felt when I came to help? This definitely has to be payback for him. “Justin?” Tawny says sticking her head through the crack in the doorway. I wave her in and she comes handing me some files. “What’s this?” I ask because I’ve been gone for a couple of weeks now. “This is the file on Underline. I told you about them last week remember?” she asks and it comes to the front of my mind quickly. They contacted us about doing a site for them for their nightclubs. It seems that ever since I did the Chaser’ account that a lot of the nightclub owners want the same quality for theirs. Which isn’t a big deal because I actually really like doing them. I love nightclubs. It has been forever since I’ve been able to go though. I really would like to go soon. Maybe I’ll go out to the new Underline club in New York this month if I’m feeling up to it. I could even take Emmett and Trent with me and make it a weekend thing for all their help. I’d really like to do something special for them. “Yeah I remember. Is this all the background on them?” I start to look through the file, and I must say that the pictures of the club are very impressing. But I’ll have to read over their background before I can make a decision on them. “Yeah, they seem to be a tightly run company. Very active in their community and family owned,” she starts to explain. “However there was one problem with the background check.” “What?” I ask without looking up as I am reading quickly through the file. “It seems that the oldest brother was charged with rape.” I quickly look up to her and I can’t believe this shit. I quickly close up the folder. “Now they seemed to have settled something out of court but the terms were under wraps, so I couldn’t get the exacts.” “Well that settles that.” I say throwing the folder into the trash. I won’t associate my company with things like that. It just won’t happen, that’s why I have such thorough background checks done by my own people, who are paid very well. “I figured as much,” she says with a half smile. “You know me too well,” I say with a smile. “Now if there isn’t anything else,” I say getting up from my desk. “Well actually…” Oh great there’s more, and I just want to go home. “Jake would really like it if you could look over a few ideas he’s playing with, and I have some papers you should really look over and sign before you leave.” I sit myself back into my chair knowing that I’m gonna be here for quite a while. “Go ahead and send Jake up, and while I’m waiting I’ll go ahead and sign those papers,” I say turning my computer back on. “I should also look into the Goodyear account. I know Richard is working on that so if you could let him know to get his things ready and that I’ll be calling for him as soon as Jake and I are finished that would be great.” Now that I’m here I have all these things I know I should take care of. “Alright Jus, I’ll be back in just a minute with those papers,” she says leaving me. I type into my e-mail quickly scanning through to see if there is anything needing my attention, and of course there is so I try to get some of those done while I wait for the papers. When I get the papers I read through them quickly before signing them and getting back to the e-mails. By the time Jake gets up here I have practically finished all of them. Which is good cause there is quite a bit of them. “Hey Justin,” Jake says coming to shake my hand. “I’m sorry to be interrupting your vacation,” he says sitting down across from me. No one here knows anything about my condition and that’s the way I’d like it to stay. “That’s alright Jake, don’t even worry about it,” I tell him waving off his concerns. “Now what do you got?” I ask him and watch as he pretty much pitches his ideas to me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian’s POV: As I get out of the cab at Justin’s company I can’t help but wonder what the hell Justin was thinking to start a business here. It looks like a huge warehouse, and I mean huge. Its four stories high, has a door like the loft only bigger but I can see how he would like the windows in the front they’re huge which I know he likes. But anyways I see an intercom and so I go ahead and push the call button. “Forward Graphics, how may I help you?” a woman’s voice rings out. “I’m here to see Mr. Taylor.” “I’m sorry sir, but Mr. Taylor is on vacation right now.” He’s not here? “I was told that he came in today,” I say wondering if maybe he lied to them or if maybe they lied to me. “Well yes sir he did. However he isn’t taking any appointments today,” she says sounding a bit sorry. “Could you just tell him that Brian Kinney’s here?” I say sweetly. I know how to get my way. “Alright... just hold on a minute.” Ha! I knew I’d get her. After a couple of minutes the very sweet girl comes back and says to come right in. I open the door when I hear it buzz and step into a completely open space. It’s got a high ceiling with people walking about looking busy, along with people at different desk concentrating and doing other business. There is however a huge desk sitting right in the middle of the floor but right at the front. I figure this is the place because a very petite young brunet stands and looks directly at me. “Mr. Kinney,” she says holding out her hand, which I take when I meet her at her desk and shake before letting go. Her palms were a little sweaty and she seems a bit nervous. “If you’ll just follow me I’ll take you up to see Mr. Taylor.” “I’d appreciate that,” I say and follow her towards what appears to be the elevators. It doesn’t take long before the doors open up and we step inside, she hits the fourth floor and not long after that the doors open up again to another open space. Only this time it has only a hand full of desks and at the other end there is a long wall that has been built with a door right in the middle. “Right this way,” she says heading straight for said door. “Hey Tawny this is Mr. Kinney.” she says to a woman that has her desk off to the left of the door. “Mr. Kinney,” Tawny says standing and holding out her hand. They’re all so professional and polite around here I think as I shake her hand. “Mr. Taylor is just finishing up in a meeting, so if you’ll just have a seat it’ll be just a few minutes.” she says gesturing towards some very comfortable looking brown suede couches. “Thank you.” I say before I go and take a seat to wait. After about ten minutes I see a man leaving Justin’s office, and about five minutes later Tawny’s phone rings. “Mr. Taylor will see you now,” she says with a smile after hanging up the phone. I get up and make my way to the door taking a somewhat cleansing breath before I open it up. But when I do I am amazed at the huge windows in front of me. They take up almost the whole wall and they go from about a quarter of the way from the floor to the ceiling. However they are pretty much closed off with huge curtains. I wonder if he has a headache? I look off to the right side and see Justin working at his desk. He doesn’t bother to look up at me or even acknowledge my presence. But I figured as much so it doesn’t really faze me. I walk in and sit myself in front of his desk and just wait. I know he’ll get annoyed with the silence soon enough. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Half An Hour Later ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I’ve watched him go through so many files, and type into his computer while taking notes in his folders as well. I’ve watched him sign papers and read over papers. This is driving me nuts. I can’t believe just how well he is keeping his cool and just continually ignoring me. With the way this is going he definitely isn’t going to be saying anything, and I hate having to make the first move on things like this. “You’ve done some amazing things with this place,” I figure this will be an easy way into a conversation. “I know you didn’t come here to discuss my offices,” he says with only a glance towards me before he continues with his file. “Actually I figured that since I was here in town and since you decided to come in, I’d take the chance to see them,” I say casually, I mean hell it may not be the whole reason but it is the partial truth. “Well you’ve seen them,” he says finally putting his pencil down and closing his file, and looking at me as he sits back in his chair. “Now you can go back to Pittsburgh with your agenda fulfilled.” “I’m sure that when I’m ready to leave that my agenda will be more than fulfilled.” “And just what is your agenda Brian? You still have yet to tell me,” he asks sitting up and putting his elbows on the desk and folding his fingers together. “First off what I’d really like to know is exactly what this condition entails.” I figure this is as good as any time to get it out of him. “I’m at work Brian,” he says angrily. Okay so maybe this wasn’t the greatest time. But Jesus every time I ask it’s always a bad time so I guess in the end it really doesn’t matter. “I have things that need my attention and meetings that I need to get through. So if you really think that we’re going to do this now you’re insane.” Hmmm? “When is it going to be a good time then Justin?” I ask getting a bit pissed at this little circle we got going on. “I like the sound of never,” he says as if he’s just thought of the perfect answer. “That’s not going to work for me, and you know that.” “Like I really care what works best for you.” “Now I know that’s not true.” I say, reminding him of how much I know he cares about me, and always will. “That’s enough,” he says with just a touch of emotion, and that’s how I know. “Now I have a meeting I have to start so I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.” I didn’t mean to hurt him but it seems that bringing up his feelings for me has hurt him. The coldness in his voice and gaze is just so apparent that it actually hurts me. “When do you think you’ll be finished?” I ask resigned to the fact that I am going to have to leave him now. “It’s not your business Brian. Now just go.” I think I’ll just have to try later, and I will be trying later. “Alright I’ll go,” I say standing up and making my way to the door, when I make it there I turn around to find him watching me go and I look directly in his eyes. I want him to know just how serious I am. “But not far.” His expression is hard but I can tell that some of this is affecting him. It just has to be. There is just no way he could have lost all the feelings he has for me. I just hate the fact that I am the cause of his vast change. He used to wear his emotions on his sleeve. He used to show me his heart and love for me freely, without holding back. Now everything is so hidden, and I’m not sure how to get through to what I know is under the surface. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin’s POV: I keep my expression hard until he closes the door behind him, but as soon as he does everything I feel for him comes to the surface. Why is he doing this? I finally leave him alone and what? He thinks that’s not enough? Now he wants to shove my feelings down my throat some more? I guess after a year he thought he needed a fix or something. This is just so wrong. “Tawny could you call up Richard please?” I have already made him wait for so long, not to mention this will help take my mind off of everything else. “Sure thing Justin.” she says. I need to focus. But the nerves and muscles in my body, especially my arms, feel like they are being ripped apart. God I hate this shit. It makes it so hard to focus on anything but the pain. So I open up my briefcase and pull out the two bottles that will at least take the edge off, spilling two pills from one and one pill from the other. I really wish they could figure out the right combination of pills already cause this shit is killing me. The pain is constant. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not in pain, and I’m tired of fighting it all the time. Always trying to hold off a headache. It’s all getting to be too much. “Mr. Taylor?” I hear Richard say from the doorway, and when I look over I see the man standing in the doorway. “Please Richard, just call me Justin.” I hate it when people call me Mr. I just feel so weird when they do that, and it sounds so wrong. “Sorry Justin,” he says nodding his head. “Come on in, and let’s get started.” I say and that’s exactly what we do. However he’s new to the company and has been pretty timid with his ideas. He underestimates his talent and that’s something we’re going to have to work on. He’s got to be confident in his skills or we aren’t going to get the work from him that I know he’s capable of. Hell if he wasn’t extremely talented I wouldn’t of hired him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Five Hours Later ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As I get onto the elevator I can’t help but feel a bit relieved that I’m finally taking off for the day. Even with knowing that I’ll have to face Brian when I get home. Though it’s a little bit longer till that happens so I get some relief from that fact. It took a while to get through Richards account and then there were other people that wanted this and that so of course that took awhile to get through. Plus I had to wait for a while for the pain in my legs to relax enough for me to get to my truck without help and without alerting anyone to my condition. This is all so ridiculous, I wish I could just wave a wand, or cast a spell to just make it all magically disappear. I take a deep breath when the elevator doors open knowing that I only have a bit further to go before I get to my truck and I can sit down again. I wave and smile to all my employees as I walk through the office and then out the front door. However my relief of getting to my truck is stamped out when I see Brian relaxing against the passenger side door. “I thought you could give me a ride,” he says with his patented cute ass smile, and I hate that smile cause he can get me to do almost anything with that smile, and I’m pretty sure he knows it too. “Of course I’ll give you a ride to the airport.” I say in a sweet tone with a fake smile to boot. Hell I‘ve learned to hide any kind of feelings or weakness I have towards him. It’s become a necessary survival technique. “Since I’m not ready to go to the airport quite yet.” God why won’t he just go already? This is torture. “I’ll just go with you back to your place.” “Well in that case I’d have to say you’ve presumed too much,” I say, but since I know he’s not going to give in I just walk around to the other side of my truck. I really need to sit down. “You can’t just leave me out here. Now can you?” Him and his damn puppy dog eyes. I swear the man knows just how to get under my skin, and he’s so flawless in his delivery. It’s always amazed me how he can be so perceptive in that way, and be so very dumb in so many other areas. As I get into the car I pop open the lock to his side and buckle up as he gets in. When he’s all settled I turn on the car, and A Perfect Circle comes back on from this morning. Which is good cause it’ll keep him from trying to bring up our earlier conversation. Here I am expecting just a little bit To much from the wounded But I see See through it all See through See you! Cause I threw you the obvious To see what are cast behind the eyes of a fallen angel Eyes of a tragedy... “You really shouldn’t touch other peoples stereos,” I say when he has the audacity to turn mine off. “You could easily be thrown out of a moving vehicle. Especially in my truck.” “Well if the radio’s on we can’t continue our little talk,” he says and I look towards him as if he’s fucking crazy. “Is it really that hard for you to get that I obviously don’t want to talk to you about this?” Cause seriously does he not get it? Or does he not care? “No I hear you loud and clear,” he says, and I know he’s looking right at me. I can just feel it, but I can’t keep my eyes on him to watch for his facial reactions so I try to really listen to his tone to see where he’s going. “But I’d still really like to know.” Now okay he does sound sincere but this is just not right. “When you didn’t want to talk about the cancer I understood and let it go,” I’m really trying to keep my cool here but he’s not making it easy. “So why wont you just let this go?” “This is too big to just let go Justin.” I shake my head; he must think he still has this obligation to take care of me. “You can put your conscience to rest then because I am doing everything I can to take care of this,” I say glancing his way to show him I’m not lying here so he can trust in my words. “And anyways this has nothing to do with you. You have no obligation to me Brian, so you are more than justified in letting this all go.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian’s POV: He really doesn’t see that I want to be here with him. That I want nothing more than to help him through this. How the fuck am I suppose to make him see it and believe it. This is all so fucking frustrating, and even confusing. I never did get how to deal with these types of situations, which is one of the reasons why I stayed away after he got bashed, and now here I am facing almost the same type of situation and still I haven’t learned the right things to do and say. But then again he is always trying to get me to say more than I want to, so what’s to say that he isn’t doing the same thing now? ‘Oh what a bunch of fucking shit Kinney.’ my head says. ‘You know you just finally broke him. All those times you threw his feelings for you in his face, and the way you constantly stomped on any hopes he had for the two of you. It was just finally too much for him to endure. Did you really think he could sustain his hold indefinitely? Not even you could hold out with the constant pressure you put on him.’ It’s true. I know it’s true. How do I fix the damage I have inflicted in so many ways, it’s almost unimaginable. Shit! Shit! Shit! This wasn’t suppose to be so hard. I always thought that if I had ever changed my mind that he would be more than willing to just come back into my life, in any way I’d accept him. How could I have possibly been such a fool? I’m such an arrogant fuck. “I know you have it under control Justin,” I say and he nods his head and looks over his shoulder before he gets into the next lane. Now I know that this next part is going to have to be said quickly so he doesn’t cut me off. “It’s just that I want to be here to help in any way possible, because I know that you need help Justin whether you admit it or not.” He keeps on making quick glances towards me as I talk but the glances are nothing short of a death glare. “But for me to help you I have to know all the facts.” “I may need help Brian but I don’t need yours.” he says angrily as he makes a sharp right turn into an alley way, right before he breaks hard almost causing me to hit my head into the dashboard. He slams the car into park right as I’m looking up at him thinking he’s fucking lost his mind. “What the fuck are you doing?” I practically yell, and right then I know I shouldn’t have because he turns to me with the most shockingly cold expression I have ever seen on anyone, let alone Justin of all people. “Let’s get some things straight,” he says way too cold and calm. “I don’t need your help, I don’t want your help and I never asked for your help.” I never thought Justin could be so incredibly angry, and with me. “You asked me to leave you alone and I listened. So now I want you to listen when I say… Leave. Me. Alone.” He abruptly turns from me and puts his hand back on the stick but before he can switch the gear I grab his hand trying to keep him still but he wrenches it away from me, but it got his attention cause he looks back to me with the same cold expression. “What?!” “I can’t,” I start to tell him but he cuts me off. “Yes you can,” he says indignantly. “But for some sick completely fucked reason you won’t!” “That’s not it. I swear.” I say quickly yet firmly before he can cut me off. “Then why, Brian?” he says with just a barely noticeable plead in his tone, and it makes feel horrible that he’d think I would be doing this out of revenge. Or whatever other sick reason that must have gone through his mind by now. “Because I can’t handle these games, it’s too much stress and,” he pauses for just a second seeming to skip over another reason. “And what Justin?” I ask really wanting to know what he’s thinking. “It doesn’t matter,” he says some what subdued and his expression isn’t as cold. “You don’t want me in your life Brian and I get that so go home and forget anything about this. Hell forget me, it’s what you want.” “I should’ve never said that,” I say quietly looking at my hands before I look into his eyes again. “But you make me so mad sometimes, and things tend to just come popping out of my mouth when I know I should’ve just shut the fuck up for a whole two seconds.” His brow furrows and he has that look of pure confusion written all over his face. “I know why you always come to me whenever you know I need you,” that was more than I intended to say. “Now I want to be here for you, and it’s not because I think I owe you and it’s not to see you suffer. It could never be that,” I’m being truthful, and it’s not killing me, and it’s actually working. I can see his eyes softening. He looks away from me and turns back in his seat before putting his truck in drive and silently takes us back to his apartment. We don’t talk the entire way up, but I think it’s best to let him kinda absorb what I’ve said. So I let him be. I can be patient when need be. When he opens the door and walks in holding it open for me after (which I am taking to be a very good sign.) we can hear Emmet laughing his ass off as Trent tries to keep talking through his laughter. However I don’t think it’s going too well since he’s barely understandable. “He just... and then he...” Trent’s saying as we round the corner and we watch them practically rolling around on the floor. “Let me guess,” I say standing over them. “You had to be there?” I say and Trent just nods his head with a barely audible yes, mixed in. “Oh God,” Emmett says grabbing around his stomach. “It hurts...” “Okay then,” I say and turn towards where Justin was standing, but he’s not there anymore. So I make my way to the kitchen he’s probably hungry after such a long day. However I’m wrong because he’s not in there. So I make my way towards his bedroom, knocking softly when I get to the door. “Come in,” I hear Justin say softly and I open the door to see him taking off his pants with his back towards me, and I have to look away quickly in order to keep my self under control. He’s just always been the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. Seeing him always turns me on, even when I’m mad at him. That will never change. So I keep my eyes to the left, looking straight into his bathroom until I hear him talk to me. “What is it Brian?” he asks sounding a bit annoyed but tired as well. And as I turn I see him fully naked and slowly climbing into bed. It surprises me that he’s not uneasy about being naked in front of me. Especially with the way he’s been treating me lately; which I can’t blame him for. However that doesn’t mean that I am in any way unhappy with this turn of events, cause truthfully I have missed seeing his body. I’ve missed him being comfortable in front of me. Hell him just being in front of me feels really good right now. “Do you need something?” he says bringing me out of my thoughts and I must have fazed out for a minute there because he’s now fully in bed with his back against the pillows on the headboard and the covers pulled up. “I was just wondering where you went,” I say truthfully. “Well you found me,” he says with a quick small smile. “Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to lye down for a little while.” He does look tired and he even sounds it, so I nod my head. “If you need anything,” I say holding the door open a bit so I can see him. “I’ll call Trent.” I shift my head from the sting, before I straighten up and softly close the door. This is going to be really hard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin’s POV: I watch as he closes the door and then I think about the way his face twitched at my comment about only asking Trent for help and I notice that I feel a bit bad. I know that, that was really mean of me to say but seriously what does Brian think is going to happen with him being here? I mean I listened to his argument about why he’s here; it’s just that I really don’t understand it. I don’t know what it all means and I don’t know when that other shoe is going to drop. And God do I hate that other shoe. I wish I could set it on fire and know that I’d never have to worry about it again. But with Brian here I know that it’s bound to come sooner or later. I mean sure he seems sincere about wanting to just help me, but with Brian you never know just how long that’s going to be the case. I hate being in this position and even though I missed Brian more than anything in this world and even though it completely broke me to know he never wanted to see me again; that was the one thing that I never missed. I never missed the constant worrying over when he was going to blow up at me and tell me he didn’t want me, never wanted me, and everything in-between just to make sure it hurt me a little more. No I didn’t miss that part. I did miss the way he looked at me when things were good though, and the way he felt next me when we slept and woke up together. The way he felt on top of me... mmm. Yeah there are a lot of good memories mixed in with the bad. It’s just that the bad seems to out weigh the good most the time, and I just wish I could let it all go. I mean shit doesn’t my heart see that? Doesn’t it see that he’ll never love me and want me in his life! No, no it doesn’t. What it does see is every time he ever helped me, every time he held me, fucked me, wrapped his arms around me and danced with me. It remembers every kiss, every touch, every look, every caress, every soft word he ever whispered to me, including I love you, and even with all the hurt it still made me feel like I was in heaven. Those are the reasons that I can’t seem to let go, and it hurts to know that he won’t care about any of them when he crushes me yet again. “Hey,” I hear Trent say from the door, and I look to him giving him a small smile. “You alright?” He’s always worrying about me. “I took some pills,” I say without getting into details. He knows when I don’t want to talk about these things and he’ll leave it at that. “So dear,” he says making his way to the bed and climbing in on his side. “How was your day?” he asks dreamily and it makes me smile. He can always make me smile no matter how bad it is. “I got a lot done,” I say running my fingers through his hair. “So it was good.” “Mmm,” he says putting his head down on the bed next to my leg. “So what did Brian,” and the mere mention of his name causes me to stop all movement. “Think of your offices?” “Does it matter?” I ask trying to mask any feeling, even though I know it’s not going to work. He raises his head and puts his chin in his hand. “Doesn’t it?” he shoots back and I swear I hate that he knows me so well. “He said he liked them,” I say looking away and scooching down into the covers so I can fain sleep to get myself out of this conversation. “Hmm,” “It’s been a long day,” “Uh hunh?” he says with a knowing look on his face. Like I said he knows me too well and he knows that I am trying to avoid any more talk of this subject. “Well I’m taking Emmett out on the town tonight, and depending on the way things go we may not be back till tomorrow morning.” What is he doing? “Brian’s here though and I am more than sure that if you need anything he’d be more than willing to help you.” “You’re serious?” I ask a bit scared at the prospect of being left alone with Brian here all night. “Yes,” he says as if it’s crazy that I’d ask that question, but in all reality I think he’s crazy if he thinks he’s leaving me alone with Brian. “You’re the one that’s always telling me to get out more.” The little fucker. “Plus Emmett has yet to see the town, and you don’t want him to miss out do you?” “Ohhh,” he’s diabolical. He’s using my words against me. “I can’t believe you.” I know by now I must have an evil look on my face. “I’m gonna get you for this.” I say pointing a finger at him. “If after everything is said and done,” he says coming around to my side of the bed and sitting by my side. “You still feel the need to get me for this, than I will more than welcome the punishment.” “What the fuck are you talking about?” He’s being way to cryptic. “I love you Jus,” he says leaning in and kissing me on the lips, and in return I reluctantly kiss him back. “Ditto.” I say sulkingly as he pulls back and I cross my arms over my chest. He gives me one of his half smiles where just a side of his mouth comes up and then gets up to leave. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says but I don’t bother to answer the traitor as I watch him leave. I can’t believe they’re going to leave me alone with Brian. Just unbelievable. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian’s POV: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Few Hours Later ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Now you’re sure you can handle everything?” Trent asks me for the millionth time already, and I suppress the urge to revert to a thirteen-year-old girl by rolling my eyes. So instead I take him by the shoulders and push him towards the door. “You know if you ask me that one more time, I am seriously going to have to hurt you,” I say and push him towards Emmett who has been waiting outside said door for about five minutes just waiting for Trent to finish giving me the same instructions he gave me an hour ago. “Alright, alright but you have my cell number and we’ll be back tomorrow...” he quickly rambles out. “Yes, yes, yes. Now you two have fun.” I say with a completely fake smile as I close and lock the door. God I thought they’d never leave. That Trent guy is insane. I swear it, cause that could be the only explanation as to why he’d think I’d let anything happen to Justin. Although I guess if he knew our back-story he’d have plenty to be concerned about. However if he knew all of our back-story I wonder why he’d be so willing to leave Justin alone with me. Hmmm? Well either way I’m glad to have the chance to spend some time with Justin. It’s just I’m not sure what to do with my time with him. I’m still so unsure of what I want for my life. It used to be so clear before he came along. But ever since I saw him standing underneath that stupid fucking streetlight my world has been turned upside down. He’s blurred all of my lines and I can’t seem to find my old path anymore, and that’s what I always thought I wanted. That is until I got it. Having Justin leave twelve and a half months ago really set my world on edge. Nothings felt right anymore and everything I used to want just isn’t doing it for me anymore. But when I think of Justin and him being in my life it all becomes a clear straight line. I wonder if he knows that he changed everything for me? I wonder sometimes though if it’s such a great thing, but every time I wonder it always seems to come to the same conclusion... he’s the one. He’s where my life is leading me. And if I am completely honest, I’ve always known it. It’s just I’m not good in scary situations. I panic and lose my bearings, and simply put, blow my way out. No pun intended. But the thing is, is that Justin has always scared me. The things he can make me feel and do make me panic, and then unfortunately he’s the one that always takes the full blow. I know I’ve crushed him, and I know I have to fix it. Hell I want to fix it, I’m just not quite sure how to yet. I guess I’ll just take it slow. We never tried that before. That is getting to know each other. Maybe that could be the key for us. “Brian?!” I hear Justin yell out, right as I’m passing his door, and so I open it up. “Are you alright?” Is the first thing that comes out of my mouth, and I’m actually wishing it hadn’t as he looks at me over a paper and glasses? “When did you start wearing glasses?” I ask seriously, but he looks back to his paper. “I’m hungry.” Obviously he’s not going to be answering that question any time soon. “I’m thinking Chinese? What do you think?” he sounds sincere enough, so I make my way into the room and watch him scootch just a bit away from the edge of the bed. I figure this is a clear invitation to have a seat so I do. “Depends,” I say and he looks to me over the rims of his glasses and I have to stifle the groan that is right at the edge of my throat from coming out at the sheer sight of him in glasses. He looks really fucking sexy. ‘Damn it Brian slow. Remember slow?’ my mind angrily reminds me, for which I’m grateful for. “On?” he prompts me because I have obviously taken to long to answer. “If it’s any good?” I finally complete my sentence. I watch one of his eyebrows go up quickly before he nods his head and looks back at the menu. “It’s actually better than Dragon’s,” he says with a small smile as he hands me the menu. “Is that so?” I ask with a hint of disbelief, because truthfully I’ve never eaten any take out Chinese that’s better than Dragon’s. “Only one way to find out,” he says lying back with a some what sarcastic smile on his face and I know he’s baiting me I just know it, but I’m surprisingly okay with that fact. “Alright then,” I say handing the menu back to him. “You know what I like.” I say tongue in cheek. Now I know I said I was going to take things slowly for both our sakes and I am going to. It’s just this is my natural way. It just naturally comes out. But he pauses as he’s taking the menu from me with our fingers just barely touching, but I can feel it. The smile slowly coming down as he takes his bottom lip into his mouth. It’s almost like he’s looking for something... and my hand drops the menu and I get up from the bed. This is a little freaky. I look back at him trying to cover up my little freak out a bit. “So you order and I’ll get everything set up,” I say as he watches me with an eyebrow up and he even has a bit of a smirk, damn he knows I freaked. “Sound good?” “Sure.” he says simply as he breaks away from watching me and grabs the phone, to go about making the order, and me well I take off for the door. I just need to get myself back together that’s all. I just need a little perspective. A little more time maybe? ‘Oh fuck that! You’ve had more than enough time. Now stop being such a complete and utter fool and make things right with Justin.’ My mind is more and more demanding as the years go on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin’s POV: After I hang up with the Chinese place I sit back and think of Brian’s little freak out. I never thought I’d see the day where Brian Kinney was so uncomfortable that he’d practically jump out of his skin, let alone a bed. It’s kinda funny actually. I wonder why though? Well it could be that he’s been here a couple of days and as far as I know anyways he hasn’t been out to get laid. So it’s probably because he’s horny and knows he can’t get me to fuck him, or maybe he’s too worried to even ask because of my pain. I don’t know and I’ll probably never know so I don’t know why I’m even thinking about it. I’m bored that has to be why my mind is wrapped around him; I just need to do something. Well actually watch something since I am in no way capable of actually doing anything worthwhile. So I grab my remotes and turn on my TV then my DVD player, and soon enough I am in a whole other world. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Forty-Five Minutes Later ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I hear someone knocking on the front door and I am so happy the food is finally here. I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since the popcorn last night. It doesn’t take Brian long before he’s knocking on my door and after I tell him to come in he opens the door in a pair of black sweats and a black wife beater, looking fucking hot of course as he precariously balances a huge tray full of food. “Do you got that?” I ask seriously not wanting to have Kung Poa Chicken on my nice blue carpeting. “Don’t you trust me Sunshine?” he asks placing both hands at either side of the tray. “That’s a loaded question,” I answer without missing a beat, and he looks to me with a raised brow but doesn’t reply. He moves over to the other side of the bed placing the tray down in the middle before he climbs up and into my bed, and I mean into my bed. He’s got himself all nice and cozy under my sheets and blankets, and he’s so close to me that I can feel his body heat against my legs and arms. “What’s that look for?” he asks as if he doesn’t already know why this has got my face all twisted up in confusion. “You’re in my bed,” I say tonelessly. “You’re very perceptive,” he says with a smile as he lightly pats my leg, and that brings my eyes to his hand that is now on my thigh. “Now what do you want to start with?” “Hunh?” I ask looking up to him. I’m lost. “Food?” he says gesturing with his other hand to the tray. Ah yes food. However I can’t concentrate on anything else until I have his hand off of me so I grab his wrist with the tips of my finger and thumb and remove it, placing it on his own thigh instead. This whole situation is just not right. Then feeling a bit more relaxed as I try to forget that Brian is in my bed, I grab the carton of Kung Poa Chicken and a pair of chopsticks and start to eat, while I put my attention back to the TV. “What are we watching?” he asks and I look to him to see if he’s actually interested and what I find is him grabbing a carton of food and looking intently at the TV. “Farscape,” I say since he actually does look like he wants to know. “What the fuck is that?” he asks as one of the aliens come onto the screen. “D’Argo, he’s a Luxon.” “And that gray chick?” “Chiana, she’s a Navari.” We spend the next hour like this. Him asking me questions as he tries to understand my show and me finally losing my patience. “Get up,” I tell him shoving him out of my bed. “Hey,” he says practically pouting. “Nope I’ve had enough,” I say shaking my head slightly. “Fine I won’t ask anymore questions.” he says trying to get back into the bed, but I push him away again. “No you won’t, because we are going to watch it from the beginning.” I say pointing at the TV. And he gets a small smile on his face before he turns to the TV. “Which one is it?” he asks when he gets to the cabinet. “The purple and blue one that says Farscape season one.” “Smart ass,” he says glancing towards me and I just give him a Sunshine smile before he goes about putting in the right disc. When he’s done he comes back to the bed and climbs in a bit closer than he was before, and it immediately turns up my body heat. Damn it! How is it possible that he can make my whole body betray me without even touching me? It’s not right. The next three hours are spent with him completely engrossed in the TV and me trying desperately to control my body. Fuck it’s been a really long time since I’ve been laid and God help me I’ve never been able to resist Brian. It’s just not in my makeup. He’s got me wrapped around his little finger and he knows it. He sat this close to me knowing exactly what it was going to do to me. Oh he’s evil. “You know this show is actually good,” he says looking towards me with a smile that I look away from. “Once you get past the weird looking aliens anyways.” “From the first time I saw it I was hooked,” I notice right away that, that comment means so much more to me than just a TV show. “I can see how that could happen,” he says softly, a bit too softly but I don’t bother wondering what the tone is all about. “Could you pause this real quick?” “Sure,” I say looking towards him as he gets off the bed. “I’m gonna take these things to the kitchen, and go to the bathroom.” he says grabbing the tray and taking it towards the door. “Do you want anything?” he asks turning around as he makes it to the door. “Bottle of water, please.” He nods his head and continues out the door, balancing the tray a bit better now that most of the food is gone. When he walks back through the door he’s carrying a bottle of water, which he gives to me before he goes to the other side and starts to climb in. “I thought you had to go to the bathroom?” “I used the one out in the hall,” he says looking to me as he covers up. “I wasn’t sure if you’d like me using the one in your room.” “I’m so sure Brian,” I say shaking my head and opening my top drawer taking out four different bottles. “It’s just a bathroom. It’s not special or anything.” I start to open them taking the right amount out from each. “You can use whichever one you want it doesn’t matter to me.” “You have to take all those?” he asks with a tinge of amazement, and before that I didn’t even think about taking them in front of him, but now I think I should’ve gone to the bathroom or something. This isn’t something he needs to see or know about. “Yeah,” I say getting more than a little weirded out. I start to pick up my bottles and I grab my bottle of water and start to get out of bed when Brian grabs my arm. “Where are you going?” he asks with a frown. “I’m just going to go and do this in the bathroom,” I say looking away from him and moving again but he gently squeezes my arm again so I stop take a deep breath and look to him again. “Sit back,” he says softly as he nods his head towards the headboard. But I shake my head because all this feels really weird. “I think I should just...” however he cuts me off. “Justin, sit back.” he says with a bit more firmness but at the same time he lets me go and grabs the remote and restarts Farscape. “You know this is all your fault,” he says quickly glancing my way before he completely puts his attention on the show instead of me. Which makes me feel a bit more comfortable, so I sit back and finish getting the pills out that I need, and opening up the water. Quickly throwing the pills into my mouth and taking a big mouth full of water to get them all down before I grab for my blankets and pull them back up and when I finish with all that I decide to reply to his accusations. “Yes blame me for you actually liking something,” I say sarcastically. “Okay I will.” he says laughingly as he looks back to me with a smile, but I just shake my head at him. Then he starts to scoot back against the headboard, making himself completely comfortable with the pillows and pulling up the covers. “I can’t believe you found softer sheets. I didn’t even think that was possible.” “I tried to tell you,” I say as I look at him. “But you wouldn’t listen.” but then again listening was never his strong suit. “I should’ve,” he says looking away from me and putting his concentration back on the show and it’s weird but it seems like he’s talking about more than sheets. But it just doesn’t seem like anything Brian would ever do, or feel, or talk about. It’s just to out there to even consider. I can’t believe that I am still doing this to myself. I’m still finding myself considering that maybe he has those feelings for me. Or whatever. This is all to crazy and its just going to make me crazier than I already am so I think I better just try and focus on the show. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian’s POV: I can’t believe I said that. It’s just not a good thing to be this close to him especially when I am feeling all these weird feelings, and right now with everything that’s going on well I think it’s just letting things slip out. It’s the only thing I can think of. It’s the only thing it can be. So I’m just going to watch this show, and that’s it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ About Five Hours Later ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am trying my damndest to stay awake with him but it’s getting to be way to hard. I can’t believe he can still be going after the day he’s had. “Aren’t you tired yet?” I ask but he just starts laughing, and I feel my brow furrow because seriously I don’t understand. “I guess that’s a no?” “I’m sorry,” he says looking at me as he tries to straighten up. “It’s just that nobody has asked me that in a long time.” “And why’s that?” I ask seriously perplexed. “Well I have insomnia,” he says as if it’s completely normal, and it completely throws me. “How long have you had insomnia?” “A few years.” “A few years?” I say completely cutting him off. “Brian,” he says trying to get me to calm down I think but it’s not going to work. “So all this started after you left Pittsburgh?” I ask exasperated. “It’s not a big deal Brian...” he says trying to play it off but it’s definitely not going to work with me either. Then a thought hits me. “So when you came to help me with the cancer,” I start and he quickly looks away from me and I know my answer. “You had this then and you didn’t say anything?” How could he not say anything? “Leave it alone Brian,” he says getting up out of the bed and I notice that he’s still naked, but he must notice as well because he throws open a drawer and grabs some sweats and starts putting them on. “How could you not say anything?” I finally voice my question and I know the hurt I feel over him not telling me is coming through but I can’t get myself to care right now. “This is unbelievable,” he says incredulously as he slowly walks to the bathroom, but this isn’t over so I get up and follow him catching the door right before he slams it closed. “Do you mind?” “I really fucking mind,” I say angrily. “Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped.” “You didn’t even want me there,” he says getting pretty angry himself. “And now you get mad when I don’t burden you with my stupid problems? You can’t be serious!” he says indignantly. But I guess he’s right. “Okay so I’m wrong,” I finally admit so that this fight will stop. “Damn right you’re wrong,” he says looking and sounding a bit calmer but still watching for the next round. “Is this what’s causing the pain?” I ask sincerely. “It’s part of it,” he says still looking very guarded. “Okay, what’s the other part?” I say moving closer to him. “Brian are we going to do this again?” he asks rolling his eyes and turning away from me, and wrapping his arms around himself. So I take the opportunity to come up behind him and very tentatively start to put my arms around his, but he quickly turns around at my touch and almost falls over but fortunately I am close enough to throw my arms around him as he grabs a hold of my shirt and bring him upright, and at this point having my arms around him again after so long. Well it just does something to me, and I can’t help myself when I pull him in wrapping my arms around him and putting my face into the crook of his neck, and taking a deep breath. God he always smells so great. How does he do that? I can feel his breathing slowing down against my neck as he buries his face in the crook of my neck as well. This is it; this is when I always lose all perspective with him. This is the moment. Having him in my arms always brings out this feeling of never wanting to let go. The feeling of wanting to be with him, and hold him. To be with him in every sense of the word. I don’t know how it is that I always manage to block this out of my head when I get scared, or when he leaves, or when I push him away. Hell I never even really thought about it till now, but I’m hoping that now that I know what to look for that I can manage to stop myself before I lose this again. Because I really don’t want to lose this again. “Stop,” I suddenly hear Justin whisper into my neck as he pushes on my chest, but I don’t let him move away too much. I keep my arms around him and look down into his face but he wont look at me. “Justin stop fighting me,” I say softly, but when he looks up to me I feel a chill run through my body. “Don’t you dare put this on me,” he says through clenched teeth, as he pushes me again, and I reluctantly let him go. I could’ve held on but I don’t think that would’ve been too smart right about now, and I’m right because as soon as I let him go he starts to pace the bathroom. “You push me and push me away, when all I wanted to do was love you.” he seethes and I have to look away because it’s all true. “Fuck! You made it your life’s ambition to break my heart and for what? What did you get out of it Brian?” I shake my head because I don’t know where to start. How to make this better. “No you answer me, I deserve at least that.” he seethes as I watch a tear fall down his cheek, and I don’t even think he knows it’s happening. “I was scared,” I say softly because it’s the only way I can get it out, but when he scoffs at me I feel my anger rise. “It’s true.” I say emphatically. “Whatever Brian,” he says trying to walk past me, but I grab his arm and hold him by me as I look to his face and watch him look to the hand that is holding him before he looks into my eyes. But I don’t fight it this time; I let him see the truth there. “Half the time Justin, I didn’t even know what I was doing. Or where I was going with you.” I can see his face soften just a tad and it makes me feel better about all of this. “I never figured out how to just be with you.” I see his brow furrow and his head shake. “Maybe that’s because it was never what you wanted.” he states as if he now knows the truth. “In a way it wasn’t what I wanted or at least it’s not what I had always thought I wanted.” I seem to be making little sense to him. “When you showed up everything that I thought I wanted for my life, well suddenly it all made no sense, and so I was constantly trying to fight my way back to feeling comfortable with it. I mean after all that was my big plan all along.” “Okay now you’ve got it. End of story,” he says yanking his arm free and I let him go and watch as he goes back to the bedroom. “But it wasn’t the end of the story,” I say following him yet again. “Oh God Brian,” he turns to look at me. “You’re fucking talking in circles!” He turns from me again and lays down in his bed throwing the covers over his head. However that doesn’t deter me because for once in my life this all feels so easy. So I go to his side and sit down next to him and grab the blankets bringing them down to his chest, however he doesn’t open his eyes as I continue. “When I watched you ride away that day I knew I was wrong,” He partially opens his eyes again. “That stupid fucking pain in my chest that I get every time you walk away from me,” at this I point an accusatory finger at him because that is his fault. “Came back full force, and I just knew I fucked up big time. But of course I’m Brian fucking Kinney no fucking regrets.” I say getting extremely mad at myself, and so I get up and pace. “So what was I supposed to do?” I ask looking to him and watching as he sits up. “You got nothing?” He lifts his shoulders and looks completely confused at me. “Yeah well I came up with the exact same thing. So I figured I’ll just wait till he comes back, because I’ve always said never go after any man but you never came back!” I yell the last part, because I hate that he listened to me and never came back. I just hate it. “Brian…” “Oh I know that was my fault too, but you’ve never listened to me ever. So why then?” I ask making my way to the bed and sitting next to him again, but he looks down at his hands. “I couldn’t do it any more Brian, you finally broke me.” I can see a tear fall onto the sheets but he still won’t look up at me. “It was already so hard for me to be away from you, it just tore me up inside, but I knew it had to be this way for now. But then when I went to that bike ride, and you said all those things as if I meant nothing to you I just couldn’t bring myself to deny the way you felt about me any more.” He finally looks to me and I can see all the hurt I have managed to bring to him and it literally takes my breath away. “I knew then that I had to leave, and it took everything in me to leave you that day knowing I would never see you again. And it’s not fair that you’re asking me to do it again Brian.” he shakes his head and looks away from me. “It’s too much to ask for.” “What if I were to say that I’m not asking you to do that?” I say honestly because that’s not what I want. In fact it couldn’t be farther from what I want. He looks at me after a minute, and I can see his pain. “I’d say it’d be all too soon that you changed your mind for one reason or another.” He knows me to well, cause this is probably exactly what I would do to him, but it’s not what I want. “Before you completely shut me out, couldn’t we just try to take it slow?” I know he’s ready to completely shut me out and I just don’t think I can do that again. “Take what slow Brian?” he says shaking his head. “We have nothing.” “Let’s not jump to any conclusions,” I say quickly cutting him off. “I’m not jumping to anything. This is what you’ve been telling me for years,” he says in disbelief. “I know what I’ve said, you don’t have to keep throwing it in my face,” damn it. He just won’t give me a break here. “I don’t know what you want from me Brian,” he says sitting back and putting his hands over his face. “I just want the chance to slow things down, and see what happens.” I say putting all my cards on the table. He puts his hands down wiping his face as he goes and looks to the ceiling before he looks at me. “This is a mistake,” he seems to be telling himself. “I don’t think so,” I retort shaking my head. “Maybe not now, but you will,” he says sinking into the bed. “Now come to bed so we can watch some more of this show.” he says getting more comfortable before he brings down the blankets to the other side. I very happily make my way to said side and get myself in and comfortable, pulling up the blankets and lying down so we are facing each other. Placing my head in the middle right against his as we start the show once again, and the best part is he’s not moving away. I’m feeling good about this whole talk we’ve had. We’ve never ever done anything like this before and I can’t believe I made it through without completely freaking out and running back to Pittsburgh, cause if I did I wouldn’t be lying beside Justin, knowing that we might have a chance. Which is something I never thought we could actually have… ever. I just never thought it possible. I sometimes hoped but never actually gave it much of a chance. However this time I’m more than willing to give it a real chance. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin’s POV: When I hear Brian’s breathing even out I slowly lift my head and sit up a bit on my elbow to watch him. It’s only been a little over an hour since our very weird talking fight. Yes talking fight, that’s what I’ve decided to call it. I don’t know what to think of everything he said though, and really what am I supposed to do about all that he’s asked for? I mean he’s asked me to take things slow. What the fuck is that supposed to mean anyways? The only thing he ever wanted to take slow with me was a fuck; and that was very rare. So I guess I just don’t get all this shit. It doesn’t make sense to me. But what I am more than sure of is that he’ll soon go back to the Brian Kinney I know. The one who loves nothing more than to break my heart, and even though I know this and I know just how much it’s going to hurt in the end, I still know I’m going to let this time with him come to pass and I am going to try to enjoy it. God I am so pathetic for doing this, but I just can’t bring myself not to. It’s been so hard this past year and a half and I just want a little time with him before he figures out that this is all a stupidly bad idea. Brian starts to wrap himself around me, and I close my eyes against the borage of memories. It’s just amazing to me that we’re here again. I can’t believe he’s here. He’s so gorgeous. I find myself running my hand down his cheek, across his jaw line and down his neck over his shoulder then down his arm, I feel him shiver from my touches and I smile at that and keep going. I touch every inch that I can reach and every inch just reminds me more and more of how much I’ve missed him. This is bad. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian’s POV: As I wake I can feel myself wrapped around a very warm body which I automatically know is Justin. It feels good to be here again. It’s been so long. He’s the only one I have ever woken up to be wrapped around. Even if I ever had a trick that over stayed their welcome I would always be at the other side of the bed. My mind and body just knows when it’s Justin, and it’s automatically drawn to him. Usually though when I wake up it’s to a Justin who is passed out in my arms, however this time he’s up and laughing at what I assume is the TV while he runs circles on my back, which might I add feels really, really great. It sounds as though he’s watching Farscape again. Not that I don’t think it’s a good show and all but he should really be asleep right now. So I open my eyes but I don’t move from my spot as I watch him. He seems to be enjoying himself. He’s got a huge smile on his face, and he’s laughing here and there at whatever is going on, on the TV. I like to see him smile; it’s been such a long time since I’ve seen him smile. I feel his hand go up into my hair and I moan before I can stop myself, and that causes him to look over to me, but he doesn’t stop running his hand through my hair, and the smile doesn’t waver. “Hey,” he says softly. “Hey,” I say and then clear my throat when it comes out all gargled, which he has a good snicker at. “Hey.” I try again. “Did you sleep okay?” he asks sincerely as he sweeps a finger under the hair against my forehead. “Yeah actually,” I say when I realized that I did sleep really well. The best I have since... since the last time Justin was with me. “What time is it?” “Um,” he looks over at the clock then back at me. “A little after three.” “Damn I didn’t even wake up once.” I say in a bit of amazement because that hasn’t happened since the same time as well. I am definitely seeing a pattern here. I wonder how it is that I never saw it before. I mean shit do I really block out that much that has to do with Justin? “That’s a good thing,” he laughingly says. “Yeah I know,” I say nodding my head. “It just hasn’t happened in a long time.” “I’m glad you slept well then,” he says softly, and he means it. I haven’t been able to remove myself from around him yet and he doesn’t seem to be in any real rush to have me move either so I stay. What can I say it feels too good to move. He looks back up to the TV and laughs again, however I am way to relaxed under his touch and against him to move and see what’s so funny. After a while I feel his hand stop all movement, and I hear him hiss in pain and I get up immediately and look to him and he has his arm out and he’s flexing his hand, but it’s not his right hand so I’m a little confused. “What’s wrong?” I ask because I still don’t understand all that is going on with him. He still won’t tell me. “It’s alright,” he says opening up his drawer. “It’ll go away.” he pulls out two bottles and gets a total of three pills out and then opens up his bottle of water to take them. When he’s done he lays his arm against his chest and lays back into the bed, and closes his eyes. “Do you think you could do something for me?” he asks with out opening his eyes. “Anything.” “In the bottom drawer here there’s a heating pad could you get it out and plug it in behind the table, and give it to me?” “Yeah, okay.” I say as I’m already up and doing what he’s asked for. When I am done and giving it to him I notice that his brow is furrowed in pain. “Jus,” when he opens his eyes I show him the pad. “Where do you need it?” “Across my arm.” he says as he helps me drape it there. “How’s that?” “Good, thanks.” he says closing his eyes again. Shit is this because he was running circles across my back? Fuck I didn’t know. If he’d just tell me what the hells going on we wouldn’t be in this situation. I know though that this isn’t the time to confront him once again. So instead I go back around to the other side of the bed and carefully climb back in. I start to run my hand through his hair and he looks over to me giving me a small smile before he closes his eyes again. “Try and get some sleep,” I say because I am more than sure he has yet to sleep. I watch him barely nod his head and I scoot in closer to put my body right next to his. “You should probably go do something or get something to eat or whatever.” I hear him say and I can’t believe he’d think I would go and get something to eat or even do anything else other than be right here with him while he goes through this. “I’m not going anywhere Justin.” I say softly as I kiss the top of his head. I feel him nod a little bit. After a couple of minutes he starts to move and I sit up a bit wondering what he’s doing. “Sorry it’s just...” he trails off as he squirms a bit and I know he’s in pain and I don’t know what to do to fix it. “What should I do Justin?” “There’s nothing you can do,” he says still squirming a bit and his face is all bunched up. “Fuck.” he breathes out. “Should I call Trent?” he knows what to do in this kind of situation and I hate to admit it but I don’t even know where to start. “No, it’ll go away.” he turns to his side facing towards me, and then he just stops everything. There is no movement. I know he’s still in pain though because it’s still written all over his face, and his breathing is still a little labored. I decide after some serious thought to just wait for a while and see what happens. If it gets worse though I am definitely calling in Trent. But for now I’m just going to scoot down and watch over him. It’s the best I can do right now without knowing everything. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two Hours Later ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin’s fell asleep a little while ago but I still see his brow furrow up now and then. I didn’t think he’d ever get to sleep. But now that he is I’m not sure how long he’s going to be able to stay asleep. His brow keeps on furrowing so I know that even in his sleep he’s still in pain. This is driving me crazy. I hate seeing him in pain, and not being able to do anything about it is just beyond aggravating. It’s got to be harder for him though. I mean shit I know that when I was going through the treatments and I couldn’t control how I was feeling it drove me insane, and that was only for a few months. Now from what I know from Emmett, Justin’s been dealing with this for over a year now. Hell maybe even longer because if I know Justin he tried his damndest to keep everyone out of it for as long as possible. Trent probably only found out by accident just like the rest of us. Or at least that is what I am finding myself hoping, because even though Justin has said that they are only friends, that was quite a while ago and things can change over time for such close friends. Maybe I’m way off base here, I know it wouldn’t be the first time. Shit I really have to take a piss. I have yet to go since I got up, I just haven’t been able to pull myself away from him. However right now I don’t think I have a choice, because it’s gotten to the point of either get up and go to the bathroom or piss in Justin’s bed and I’m seriously thinking he’d throw me out permanently if I did that. I start to slide myself out of the bed and I stop when I see Justin reaching for me, but then that stabbing feeling comes back and I start to move again. When I’m out I find myself having to waddle all the way to the bathroom. This has got to be a site. I’m just relieved to know that nobody is watching, cause I’d be pretty much mortified. After I relieve myself I check on Justin and since he’s still passed out I make my way to the kitchen and quickly throw some of the left over Chinese food into the microwave. When that’s done I grab it and a fork and a bottle of water and go back to Justin’s bedroom, and climb back into bed. “I knew you’d get hungry,” I hear Justin say and I almost drop the food I’m so surprised. “If you drop that on my bed I will kick your ass.” And you know I think he really would. So I carefully set down the water and food on the night stand and turn to him. “You feeling any better?” I ask scooting down so that our faces are only a couple of inches apart. “It’s fine,” he says quietly so obviously he’s not fine. “You should eat. The remote’s right there if you wanna watch some more Farscape.” “I’d rather talk,” I tell him because it’s the complete truth however he scoffs at me. “I know that me and those words don’t normally go together but what do you say we just go with it?” I can see the apprehension in his eyes, but I wait for him to make up his mind, and after a minute I get his answer with a nod of his head. “What’s going on Justin?” I say running my hand along his cheek then his jaw line and I feel him just barely lean into my touch as he closes his eyes. “Why do you want to know?” he asks but before I can answer he opens his eyes and I can see so much pain in them, but something tells me it has nothing to do with his physical pain. “You’ll be gone soon enough and none of this will matter. So just... stop asking.” “Justin, damn it what do I have to do to prove to you that I am not going to just walk out?” I don’t know what to do here. “Brian, are you really that dense to the way you are with me?” And it sounds like he’s just trying to get in another hit but the look he’s giving me is one of true curiosity. “No, I know how I can be...” “So then why is it that you think I would ever think otherwise?” He hasn’t moved but he is getting very upset here and I don’t think that’s such a great idea, but I have to get him to open up to me. “Or have you just forgotten all those times you’ve told me you’d never love or give me anything I felt I needed?” Okay now I’m just getting pissed, it’s not like I was the only one who ever fucked up. “You act as if I never gave you anything,” I say sitting up. “Like I never did anything for you. Have you forgotten me coming to get you and bringing you to live with me?” “Only because you felt guilty, for fuck’s sake!” he yells and slowly sits up himself. “Fuck you that was never the only reason and you knew that, you always knew that!” I find myself yelling back. I see him open his mouth to I don’t know what but I have more to say so I start yelling again. “And lets not forget about your precious fucking rules!” I say pointing to him. “Oh are we seriously going to get in to that again?” he sarcastically says. “Well mainly I was just going to point out the fact that I went along with what you wanted, to make you happy.” “Is that really why you went along with it?” he asks skeptically. “God Justin of course,” I sit sideways on the bed so I can look at him. “Seriously what other reason could I possibly have for going along with someone else’s fucking rules? I’ve never lived by anyone’s rules but my own.” He looks away from me quickly. “But then again you already knew all of this the night we agreed to the rules.” I see him slightly nod his head, and thank God he finally has admitted that I did do some good things. I don’t think I could keep going with that hanging over my head. “I know you’ve done some amazing things for me Brian,” he finally looks back to me and I can see that he is just barely holding back the tears. “But you have to understand where I’m coming from here...” “I know Justin believe me I know that I have said and done some really horrible things,” I scoot over in the bed to be a little closer to him. “But I’m here Justin, I came here to be with you.” I can’t believe I said that. I mean I meant it don’t get me wrong I just never in a million years thought I’d be able to say it to him. “Do you mean that Brian?” he asks seriously with a very guarded expression on his face. “Because if you don’t even know just how wrong this is if you’re lying...” “Justin,” I say cutting him off because he seems to be running out of breath and he’s seems way too nervous, so I put my arms around him and he doesn’t fight me off so I bring our bodies together. “I swear I’m not lying about this.” “Okay,” he breaths out nodding his head, and I just can’t help myself as I put my finger under his chin and give him a soft kiss on the lips which he returns without taking our eyes off of each other. When we finally pull apart I scoot us down a bit so we are lying back in the bed, and then I just hold him. After a long while of us lying there and me running my hand along his skin he clears his throat. “After I left...” he stops but I don’t say anything. He’s actually going to tell me and I don’t want to fuck this up. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” he says after a minute shaking his head and looking away, but I quickly bring my hand up to his face to bring him back to me. “Just take it slow,” I tell him placing another kiss against his lips. “You can take as long as you need... I’m not going anywhere.” I can still see the apprehension in his eyes but I think I am making progress with getting it to go away for him. “Alright, after I left I fell into a depression I guess you could say, and that led to a slow decline into insomnia.” he’s been sinking into this for a long time now. “Then to keep my mind from wondering to places that I couldn’t handle I worked and then I worked some more, partied a little, then worked some more.” Jesus Christ. “But to tell you the truth it was all a good thing to start out with. I mean hell I wouldn’t have been able to do school and get my company up and running with out it. It just wouldn’t have happened. So I figured at least I put my sleepless nights to good use.” he stops then looking to me with questioning eyes. “What?” “Nothing, you just had this really funny look on your face.” Shit I didn’t mean to show just how fucked up I feel about this situation. “Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this anymore.” “No I wanna hear, I swear I do.” I put my hand on his hip and squeeze just a bit. “It’s just surprising that’s all.” “It’s all so stupid really, and I hate to even talk about it,” he says and I can tell he’s serious as he’s rubbing at his forehead. It just seems like he’s trying to understand it as much as I am. “So anyways it started to all come to a head a few months after I left you the last time. See there was just always so much stress, and I was constantly fighting off these anxiety attacks and my headaches became a daily thing. It was literally to the point of I would wake with one and I’d go to sleep with one. It was horrible. Then I started to have this pain in my right elbow. It felt like there was a white hot poker going right through it, it steadily progressed from there to where it felt like there was one in my shoulder and wrist and then it was like there was one going all the way down my arm and into my fingers.” I feel him shiver against me but he quickly shakes it off and continues. “I had been going to this really great neurologist so I talked to her about it and she decided to run some test but I had appointments that were already scheduled so I put it off. But when it went into my left arm as well I knew that I had to take a day and do them. So I went in and they gave me a couple of x-rays and an ultrasound for each arm, which I really didn’t enjoy at all,” he says with rolling his eyes. “It ended up that I had a blood clot in my left arm, which was weird because they didn’t find one in my right arm but at the same time they said that, that was what was causing the pain. So I stayed in the hospital for a couple of days while they regulated my blood to the blood thinners.” Damn it I know how much he hates hospitals. “Was Trent there with you?” and I am actually hoping that he was because I really don’t want him to have gone through all of this alone. “No, Trent found out one day when I was crawling to the bathroom,” he says with a huff of laughter, and I can’t for the life of me see what could possibly be funny about that. “Suffice it to say he freaked.” “I don’t doubt it.” I say a bit sarcastically, and I don’t mean to it’s just that he is so stubborn. “Do you want to hear the rest of this or are you going to scoff at the way I do things some more?” he asks completely seriously. “Alright I’ll shut up.” I say with a raise of my eyebrows. “So anyways I was on the thinners for a while but the pain was just getting worse so I decided to go to a regular doctor and they tried to give me a muscle relaxer shot but that made everything hurt more if you can believe that.” Again he’s rolling his eyes, and I tell you it’s quite cute. Which is nice to take a bit of the edge off of this talk. “But anyways the doctor I was seeing said after that, that he didn’t know what was wrong with me and pretty much after that implied it was only in my head.” “Fucking doctors.” Damn I wish I was here so I could’ve taken that guys head off. “That’s what I’m saying!” he says excitedly. “Well you got rid of him right?” “Yes of course I did, I walked right out of his office... well more like slammed my way out of his office. Yelling about just how incompetent his stupid ass was,” he says with a snicker, and a smile. Which is nice. “I can’t believe that doctor, just because he couldn’t figure it out.” “Oh well it doesn’t really matter cause that got me to this really great doctor. Dr. Tran. He really worked hard to figure this out he even told me that he’d try his best to figure it out and after a couple of weeks and a few more test he sent me to a specialist for this condition, Fibromyalgia. However the doctor was booked solid for a month so it took a while to get in there.” Fibromyalgia? What the fuck is that? “So I looked up Fibromyalgia on the internet, and what it said,” I can see he is going back to that time. “Well to say it threw me would be a complete understatement.” He’s got this far away look in his eyes and I wish I could make this all better for him, that I could take it all away but the best I can do is some what distract him so I run circles against his hip. “It said that it was going to spread.” Oh no. “Into my legs and spine and hips. Pretty much everywhere.” he shakes his head again and it seems that all of his lightness has been completely wiped away, and I don’t blame him mine is as well. “And that scared me.” I see a tear slip from him, but before I can reach it he angrily wipes it away. “But not as much as the fact that when you have Fibromyalgia you’re stuck with it for the rest of your life. There’s no escape.” he says as if he doesn’t quite believe it himself, cause I know I can’t believe it. “A couple weeks later it did spread into my legs, and then a week after that it went into my hips and spine.” he furrows his brow and closes his eyes as another tear falls down. God this is unbelievable hasn’t he been through enough already? Why does he have to have this? It’s not fair. “When the doctors appointment finally came along I was really hoping that it was just something simple, that’s just not well known. I was hoping it wouldn’t be this, this thing that I can’t control.” he opens his eyes again and they are a bit blood shot now. “Unfortunately though the kind doctor warmly welcomed me to the club with a pressure point test. Where she proceeded to push in on eighteen of them to see if I had pain, and I did but thankfully at the end she told me I never had to go through it again.” “So along with that test and all of the other things in my life like the insomnia, stress, headaches, and fatigue they diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia.” “So there’s no cure for this thing? You’re always going to be in this much pain?” I say completely freaked out at the prospect. “No they say it does get better. It’s just it takes time, and the right combination of pills...” “Like what kind of pills?” “Well sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, vitamins, a pill called MSM, children’s vitamins if you can believe that,” he says with a smile. “And right now I am taking a B-12 shot once a month for my fatigue. But that’s pretty much it, well except for my headache and allergy med’s.” “I don’t understand,” I watch his brow furrow in confusion. “You’re on the meds so why is this not getting any better?” “Well it seems that I am extremely tolerant to the drugs which makes it hard to find the right combination that will work for me.” “Why don’t they just give you the best stuff?” This should be an easy thing for a doctor to figure out. “The doctors like to start off at the lowest levels so they aren’t over medicating me.” Okay well I guess that is a good idea. But shit he’s in pain, they need to fix it. “Don’t worry Brian they are trying to find the right combination for me, it’s just taking a little longer than everyone thought.” “This is so unreal.” I say rubbing the pressure away from my forehead. “You’re telling me,” he says with a breath. How am I supposed to fix this?