I put a song into this story. I hope you all enjoy it and take just a moment to think about the words. I think for this story it really relates to them and even if you think of them in the show it does tend to show them.....SATURN
Justin’s POV: I have spent the last seven hours laying in Daphne’s bed just staring out the window and thinking about all that has happened in the last two years. There have been so many ups and downs that you’d of thought I’d have lost my mind by now. I must say that I have been close to losing my mind a couple of times. Losing my father, Brian almost going to New York, the bashing, the nightmares, and the lack of sleep from the nightmares, the constant uphill battle that I’ve had to fight to be with Brian. Thoughs things have all brought me to the edge of sanity but I’ve always managed to keep myself on the winning side. I’m not so sure about this time though. I always fought back because I had something to fight back for. This time there is nothing waiting for me on the other side. I always fought so hard because Brian was always there on the other side, I thought that was my goal my prize I thought if I fought hard enough then we’d be together, we’d be happy. He would love me. This time I don’t have thoughs illusions. It’s really scary. I look over at the time and I see that it’s time to get myself together. Deb will be off by now and Tony should be coming in to check over the days receits. So I use everything I’ve got and pull myself out of this bed. I head out to the living room and I see daph sitting at the dining room table with her books all spread out in front of her. She’s so involved that she doesn’t even notice that I’m standing right next to her. I clear my throat and put a hand on her shoulder to get her attention she jumps and looks over at me. “Jesus, Justin you scared the shit out of me.” “Sorry Daph I was actually trying not to.” I tell her, with an apologetic smile. She pats my hand and smiles “It’s alright, what’s up?” “Is it alright if I jump in the shower?” “Of course it is Jus, you can do whatever you like here this is your place now too.” I love her to death but this is not my place. This is her home, and I’m sure she’ll be happy to have it back when I leave. Which I’m sure wont be to long from now. I’m going to figure something out. I’m just not sure what that is yet. Right now however I’m just going to consentrate on the immediate future. “There are towels in the cupboard by the bathroom, and wash clothes in the second drawer by the sink. Use whatever you need.” she says with a small smile. I give a small smile of my own and say “thanks.” I give her a peck on the forehead and head over to my bags they are still sitting by the couch. I sit down on the couch and pull out the two bags Brian packed for me with all my favorite bathroom stuff. It was nice of him to give me all this, he did after all pay for it so he didn’t have too. But then again he could’ve just wanted to get rid of all reminders of me. That sounds a little more accurate. My stomach falls at that thought. Even now I still conjure up illusions of him caring about me. Oh well I guess I’ll just have to work harder at remembering from now on cause with each mistaken emotion I give him..... it hurts me. I wish I didn’t have to think and feel anymore. After tomorrow I’m going to have to find a way to make that happen. But for now I need all my wits to get me threw what has to be done. I grab my stuff and a change of clothes and head over to the bathroom. I stop and grab a towel and go into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I turn on the shower as hot as I can without totally scalding myself. I want it to hurt. Maybe that way it will take my mind off the pain in my heart, and make me think of nothing else but the pain of the water hitting my back. I take off all my clothes and jump in the shower. I grit my teeth and step under the water and it hurts a lot, but it’s also working so I grit and bare it. I wash my hair and my body then I just stand there enjoying the fact that this is the only pain I can feel right now and think of right now. But all to soon the hot runs into cold and the pain in my heart and head is back in full force. I turn off the water grab the towel and start to dry myself off. My skin is so tender and bright red from the hot water. I wrap the towel around my waist and shave real quick it doesn’t take much time for me. Slap some after shave on, remove my towel hang it up and get into my black slacks, and baby blue button down. I put all my stuff back in their bags, garb my dirty clothes and head back out to the living room. I put my stuff back into their places and pull out the little laundry bag I stuff into my duffel last night. Shove my dirty clothes in that and replace it in my duffel. I pull out my nice shoes and sit down on the couch to put them on and tie them up. I feel Daphne’s eyeing me so I look over my shoulder and sure enough she’s staring at me. “Justin are sure you want to do this? Isn’t there any other way?” “No Daph....this is the way it has to be. Look I know your worried about me but I’m going to be just fine you’ll see. This is for the best anyway.” I try and give the best reasurring smile I’ve got but there is just nothing much left in my reserves. But she nods her head in understanding. She knows I’m going to do this, so why fight me, and she’s right. I stand up and make way over to her she stands up and pulls me into a tight hug. I squeeze her to me and she whispers that the keys are over by her purse on the counter. “It’s alright Daphne I can just take the bus.” she pulls back and says... “There’s no need for you to. I’m in all night studying so just take the car do what you got to do and come back whenever your done you don’t need to hurry...... if you want to be alone or just drive go for it ok?” she’s so good to me, and she knows me so well. I nod my head yes and she gives me a quick kiss. “Good then I’ll see you when you get back and just be careful.” “I will, and I wont be gone to long.” I pull away from her and grab up her keys and head out the door. when I get into her car it hits me that I’m about to start deconstructe my life. That sends a chill threw my body. But I take a deep breath and push the thoughts out of my head, and remind myself that this is what needs to be done, and most importantly this is what’s going to make Brian happy. That thought helps my resolve and I start up the engine and head over to the diner. I find a parking space and park the car it’s right across the street from the diner. I hop out of the car and wait for a couple of cars to pass before I make my way across the street. I peek into the window to make sure that nobody I know is in there right now. Nope nobody I know is there. So I head in. The bell above the door rings and as usual every eye in the place looks over to see what’s just come in..... I start making my way into the back and ignore the few “Hey babies?” coming my way. I go threw to the back of he diner and head to the office. I take a couple of deep breaths and give a couple of knocks on the door. A few seconds later I hear Tony call out “Yeah. Come on in.” I open the door and see him intently looking over the books on his desk. He glances up at me. “Hey Justin. How you doin? Deb said you weren’t feeling to well and called in. You doin any better?” tony’ a really great guy very understanding and reasonable, sense of humor like you wouldn’t believe. Not to bad looking for a man in his late forties. He’s got golden brown hair sprinkled with grey here and there, but it only compliments his features. His got these misty grey eyes. I’ve never seen anybody eyes like his. I’ve actually attempted to recreate his eye colr a couple times. I can never get it completely right. I move to sit down in the chair in front of his desk, as I do I start to explain. “I’m fine Tony, Deb sometimes gets her self overly worked up over nothing.” he gives a short laugh at that we all know how easily Deb gets worked up over things. “Yeah well, ain’t that the truth. However I’m still glad your feeling alright. So what brings you out to this wonderful establishment then after to you call in?” he saying it with a playful tone so I know he’s not mad. Like I said he’s a very understanding guy. I look down at my hands and take a quick breather, just get this over with Taylor. With that I look back up into his eyes and say. “Well I need to let you know that I have to quit today.” he furrows his brows and frowns at this. “Why do you have to quit?” he looks concerned. “I’m going to be going out of town on some personal buiseness and I’m not sure when or if I’m going to be coming back........I’m really sorry Tony this wasn’t something I was expecting, it just kinda happened.” in this respect I’m not lying I wasn’t in a million years ever expecting this to happen but here I am. He has concern all over his face. “Are you alright Justin? I mean it’s nothing medical is it?” he’s sitting straight up in his chair now practically ripping off the leather of the arms with his finger nails.....did I say what a great guy he was? “No it’s nothing like that but I would really rather not discuss it. If you don’t mind? I know I’m a complete ass for putting you in this position after all you’ve done for me. Always working around my school and the therapy sessions and even holding onto my job after the bashing. You’ll never know how grateful I am to for all thoughs things. I really am Tony. I hope you can forgive me for having to do this.” “Absolutely Justin. You are one of the best waiters we ever had in this joint. Not to mention you’re a really great guy, and not to bad on the eyes I might add” I have to chuckle at that. “Thanks Tony.” I give him a small smile but true smile. I’m glad he’s not mad. “Ah no problem.....B ut I do want you to promise me something.” “Sure.” “If you ever need anything, anything at all. You call me, and let me help you.” “Oh Tony that’s not necessary.” I say while shaking my head. “No I said promise me.” he serious. I must look a little stunned. This I wasn’t expecting. I must have taken to long to answer....”Promise me Justin. You may not want to let me know what’s going on but I can tell that it can’t be good, and this will make me feel better, knowing I can help if you need it.” “Alright Tony, thank you.” I look back at my hands that are now figgeting in my lap. “No Justin say ‘I promise you Tony that if I need help, or anything at all I call you.’ ” I’m looking at him now and I guess he really wants to make sure I heard him. So I give in. “I promise Tony that if I need help, or anything at all I will call you.” he gives a little laugh. “See now was that so hard?” “No that wasn’t so hard.” he stands and then so do I. He starts coming around to my right side and holds out his arms. “Good now come and give me a hug and then I’ll walk you out.” I go over and give him hug and he whispers in my ear...”Are you sure your alright?” please let me hold it together. “No” is my only response. But he doesn’t push it he just gives me a squeeze, and I take a deep breath and get my emotions back under control. He steps back and out of the hug. He leaves his arm around my shoulder and we start out of his office. “Oh yeah one more thing. If you could not tell anyone about this? I’d really like to tell everyone, myself.” I look up at him and he nods his head. “Sure Justin......it’s not my place to tell them anyways. You do it however you’d like. I won’t say a word.” he looks down and into my eyes letting me know that he won’t say anything and with a smile he say’s “oh yes and if you stop by about two in the afternoon I’ll have your last check ready for you.” “Thanks I’d appreciate that.”we walk out into the dining area, and he’s still got his arm around my shoulder and I can hear people whispering. These people must know that I usually only have one mans arm around me. But that’ll never happen again. He gets me outside the door. We have another quick hug and he tells me. I’ll leave your check in the top drawer of my desk just go on in and grab it alright?” I nod my head and he pats my shoulder. “I hope I see you again someday Taylor.” with that he turns around and goes back into the diner. I close my eyes. Take a shaky breathe and let it out.... Woo. That went a lot better than I thought it would. I can’t believe how great he was about this whole thing. I open my eyes and head back to Daph’s car. I get in and just sit there for a minute, before I start it up and head out. I mentally go down my list of things that have to still be done while crossing off what has been accomplished. I park the car and get out. I wait for a car to pass and I realize.... “Ah fuck” I say softly with a groan. I look to the loft windows. Yep, you got it the loft windows. All the lights are off. But of course they are. He’s got his life back, he’s out having the time of his life. Hopefully he’s happy. But I’m sure he is. I mean I’m no longer there to give him a hard time every time he turns around. I know I was really bad, the hurt puppy dog looks I couldn’t get off my face when he’d go into the backroom, and then when he’d come back out to me. No more telling him its time to go so I can go home and do homework or just get some sleep so I could go to school. I mean how pathetic is it to force him to leave when he’s already had to do the whole school thing. He’s thirty for fuck sakes he shouldn’t have to deal with all that kind of shit. Well at least he won’t have to do it anymore. I stand there for I don’t know how long before I can even move to get back into Daphne’s car, and even then it’s a conscious effort to force myself to turn around and get back into the car. But I do it. I grab the steering wheel and my knuckles turn white I’m holding on so tight. I feel the tears stinging my eyes and start running down my face, a sob escapes me before I can get it under control and hold them back. I need to get out of here but I don’t want to leave at the same time. “Pull yourself together Taylor.” I take a deep breath and blow it out hard. I need a couple more of thoughs. I straighten up and look straight ahead even though everything in me is telling me to look over at the lofts window. I wont allow myself to look there anymore it tears me apart just the thought of it. So I turn the key and start up the car. Put the car into drive. Grip the steering wheel as hard as I can, I guess I’m trying to pull strength from a fucking steering wheel. Oh god how fucking pathetic am I. I mean it’s a fucking steering wheel. I loosen my grip a little on the wheel and start to remove my foot from the break it’s time to leave........ ****************************************************************************** Brian’s POV: I can feel something stirring inside of me, pulling me to wake and even though I fight to stay asleep my eyes still pop open and my body has this intense earge to look out the window. I stand up and make my way over to the window and look down at the street. I see now the reason for the stir, there pulling out into traffic from across the street is Daphne’s car. I can vaguely see Justin’s blonde head in the drivers side window. It’s taking everything I have in me to stay where I’m at, and not run down to the street and chase down that car. Instead I watch as he drives down the street and turns the corner. My heart is pounding in my chest at an unbelievable rate from the from just seeing him so close the adrenalin rush I got from wanting to chase him down, has got my whole body whirling. I slap my hand as hard as I can against the window. “Fuck Me.” the sound of my voice carries threw the loft bouncing off the walls, and back at me. I hate that my screaming is the only sounds in the loft.... it was always different when Justin was here. Yes we were always pretty quiet but never was it this deafening silence. There was always his light snore, the sound of his computer humming, pencil against paper, the microwave going, cause he is always eating, or even better when I’d here the sound of him cooking in the kitchen, cause even though he makes the worst messes while he’s cooking he is an excellent cook. When I’d complain about what a fucking mess the kitchen was he’d simple reply “A great cook always makes a mess.” I’d have to say he was right. I love his cooking. Then their was the sound of him humming or full out singing in the shower with, he always had to have music going in the loft, soft always so soft in the back round but it was there, I decide this is a great Idea to help take away some of this silence so I go over to the stereo and hit play on the cd player and a not so soft melody comes playing out but it’s the volume is set very low so it’s alright. Ah yes of course I recognize it now it’s Linkin Park. Other than that god afoul violin screatching shit of Ian’s this is the is his current musical obsession. He was constently listening to them. I never really paid much attention to it since it sounded like a bunch of screaming and rapping to me. But maybe there is a reason he liked them so much so I guess I’ll give this a try. When I pretend everything is what I want it to be I look exactly like what you had always wanted to see when I pretend I can forget about the criminal I amm stealing second after second just cause I know I can but I can’t pretend this is the way it will stay / I’m just trying to bend the truth I can’t pretend I’m who you want me to be so I’m lying my way from you [no/no turning back now] I wanna be pushed aside so let me go [no/no turning back now let me take back my life I’d rather be all alone [no turning back now] anywhere on my own cause I can see [no/no turning back now] the very worst part of you is me I remember what they taught to me remember condescending talk of who I ought to be remember listening to all of that and this again so I pretend up a person was fitting in and now you think this person really is me and I’m trying to bend the truth but the more I push the more I’m pulling away cause I’m lying my way from you [no/no turning back now] I wanna be pushed aside so let me go [no/no turning back now] let me take back my life I’d rather be all alone [no turning back now] anywhere on my own cause I can see [no/no turning back now] the very worst part of you is me this isn’t what I wanted to be I never thought that what I said would have me running from me like this the very worst part of you the very worst part of you is me. This is just a little to close to home for me so I turn off the radio and wipe away the tears that have come down my face. Those last few lyric’s of the song keep on going threw my head ‘the very worst part of you is me’ that’s exactly what I am I’m the very worst part of me and Justin’s relationship. I know all the things I’ve done to him all the different ways I hurt him. The things he did for me. Like the threesomes and the bathe houses he’d go to. Just cause he wanted to be with me and he knew that it was pretty close to the only to make that happen. Sure I didn’t see that he didn’t like it towards the end, but when I did see it I didn’t make any attempts to make him comfortable or to let him know that it was ok. That he didn’t have to do thoughs things to be with me. In fact I reinforced his assumptions, by constantly telling him that I was going he could stay here or come with me, and by bringing them home when he wouldn’t go out with me. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking to constantly be throwing it in his face those ways. I love him with everything I have but I still couldn’t help myself, I still did things that I knew would hurt him. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but I just couldn’t let myself return his love and be happy. I kept on thinking of all my stupid rules and of course my whole little legend of, being the stud of Liberty Avenue. To tell you the truth I don’t care about all thoughs things they are just my way of hiding, and that’s what I did I hid behind those identities and rules. I don’t know why I can’t seem to step out of those patterns, but obviously if I can’t do it for Justin, the man I love, the man that means the world to me, who is my world, my everything than I guess I will never be able too. I finally realized that this would never change when two things happened first when he said “He loves me in ways you can’t.” and of course my automatic response was to cut him the deepest and give him no hope by saying “In ways I wont.” and secondly when he asked me” would you care if I wasn’t here?” and since I couldn’t let myself give him hope, or let him see how much I wanted him no matter how much my heart was screaming to let it talk my head as usual won out with “It’s your call where you want to be.” I knew then that if he didn’t already chose Ian I’d have to force him away from me. He was begging for just a little affection, just a small sign that I wanted him with me, and then he would’ve been perfectly happy broke everything off with Ian, and stayed with me. But I couldn’t even give him the smallest of affections, or any sign that I wanted him with me instead I made sure he had no hope, and nothing that would ever let him think I wanted, and needed, and loved him. I can’t believe how much I hate myself when I think of doing all these things to him. “I really am the biggest fuck up ass hole ever.” and with that I can’t help myself and the next thing I know with my arm I send the stereo system and everything else on the shelve shattering to the floor. “Ah fuck it.” I turn towards the liquor cart again. Oh wait my little friend Mr. Vodka is sitting by my bed, or my couch whichever. I have a seat and proceed to drink myself back to sleep. It works out pretty well since I don’t have any food in me, and of course all the booze and sleeping pills from earlier are still in my system. I’m very thankful for this. Because after I finish off my big ol’ bottle of vodka I’m feeling pretty fucked up again and I slip down onto the couch curl up into my bay’s pillow once more and bring the duvet up over me and I feel myself drifting off again. But before I do I imagine and hear Justin say “night Brian I love you.” only this time I allow myself in the safety of the empty loft to say out loud what I have never admitted out loud before “ I love you too Justin.” ****************************************************************************** Justin’s POV: I finally get back to Daph’s apartment right before three in the morning. Yeah I know one more thing that is just so embedded in me now. But it really doesn’t matter. She left the light over the stove on for me. This is good cause I really don’t know my way around to well. I go over to the hall way cupboard and pull out the blankets that I saw in there from when I grabbed my towels. I know Daph wouldn’t mind me slipping into bed with her but I just don’t feel right about doing that again. She shouldn’t have to take care of me like that. I set up the couch and grab the throw pillow that is sitting in the arm chair and lay down. I don’t remember much of anything after I drove off from the loft. I’m surprised that I didn’t get into an accident with the thick fog my head I was in. Some how though I managed it and even with my internal alarm clock made it here before three. Hunh? The mind is a fucked up piece of work sometimes. the way it will automatically force you into your habits even when thoughs things don’t matter anymore. I roll over to face the back of the couch, and press myself as close to it as possible hoping to foul my mind into thinking it’s Brian. I start to feel the hot prickly tears coming, cause again the mind is a fucked up piece of work that while reminding you of things you want to forget, wont let you at the same time pretend things you wish were true. See what I’m saying fucked up. I’m crying once again missing the way it feels to snuggle against Brian’s warm tight body, wrap my arms around him tightly while playing my finger tips across his stomach feeling him shutter every so often when I’d hit a new spot. I’m feeling myself drift a little bit but before I succumb I whisper “Night Brian, I love you.” just like always but this time I hear Brian’s voice whisper back to me “I love you too Justin.” I smile at that. Sometimes the mind can be a wonderful thing as well. I let myself fall into a restless sleep. Remembering I have a big day tomorrow.
Music and lyric’s by Linkin Park. Album: Meteora. Song: Lying from you.