So this chapter skips a little back and forth just as the last one did however it is a lot less. I think it is only a one time jump as a matter of fact. I have to give a big thank you to LeCoerCorrompu she has managed to make it a better chapter once again and in-between her community service at that. She is an amazing person who is trying to raise money for the relief fund for the victims of Katrina, and she has managed to get this chapter Beta’d in-between that.
Brian’s POV: I manage to hold back my tears, but as I am climbing into the Jeep they instantly start to fall. I can’t believe this is happening. He’s here with us. Something that the doctors said would never happen and, God, I stupidly believed them. “How could I have done that?” I yell as I hit the steering wheel. I should’ve never let them convince me that he wasn’t coming back to us... to me. Now he’s back and I can’t be with him. I have broken his heart and my own once again. All I want to do is go back in there and tell him it’s not true, I never gave up on him, but that’s not something I can do because the truth of the matter is that I did. It was about a year ago that Collin had asked me to marry him. We had been together for two years and he is a great man. He has always been so patient with me about Justin and my feelings for him. But still I was so against the thought of marriage. Well, not actually against marriage per say but I was against the principle of marrying any one that wasn’t Justin. It was late on a Saturday night and all I wanted to do was go home and go to sleep but when I walked into the loft, I knew that it was going to be a long night..... Flashback The loft has candles all along every available surface, and the furniture was moved off to the sides so that the floor is clear and open. As I move a bit further into the loft and look off to the side, I see the table is all set with candles and my nice dishes. There is also a wonderful smell coming from the kitchen, so I move over there and check the oven and sure enough it’s chicken parmesan. It’s Justin’s favorite, and after the accident I found myself really liking to have it and the smell around me, so people started to assume that it was my favorite as well. “Collin?” I ask loudly. It has to be him, and I am so nervous to find out what this is all about. He has been hinting around to us having a more committed relationship and I have evaded the conversation as best as I have been able to but I am guessing that I have come to the end of line on this one. “Collin?” I call a bit louder. “I’m right here,” he says standing at the top of the stairs closest to the bathroom. I must say he is a very good looking man: 5”9 and very trim but still very cut. Every muscle so nicely defined. He’s got the lightest brown hair, with blue-gray eyes. Almost olive-colored skin. Really, he’s gorgeous. He starts to walk down the stairs coming around the island and to open up the oven door. As he reaches for the potholders I am finally able to ask some questions. “What is all of this?” I ask with a bit of annoyance that I just can’t seem to help. “Dinner of course,” he says with a smile, and I know that this is so much more than just a dinner. “Collin,” I say, a hint of reproach creeping into my tone. “Why don’t you have a seat? Everything is all set; I just have to dish everything out,” he says completely ignoring me and moving to the table. I watch as he starts to serve everything and I really don’t know what to do. “Come on... sit down,” he finally says as he himself sits. I move and sit down at the table and bring my napkin down to my lap. We start to eat and everything remains silent. I know that I am definitely not going to start any kind of conversation that could go in a direction that I am not comfortable with, so if he wants something he is going to have to build up the courage to ask me. When we finish up I stand to take our plates to the sink and I start to rinse things off and stick them into the dishwasher. When I’m done I go up to the bedroom and get into some sweat pants and start to crawl into bed, and just when I think I am out of the woods and he won’t bring up whatever it is that he was going to say, I feel the bed sink on my side and I open my eyes and look at him. I figure I might as well get this over with. Right? “Marry me?” he says so quietly that maybe I misunderstood him; I had to have misunderstood him. “What?” I ask exasperated. “Marry me?” he says again only this time he’s more assertive and sure of himself. “Have you lost your mind?” I ask practically jumping out of bed and away from him. “Brian,” he says shaking his head, as if I have done something wrong. “Don’t do that,” I tell him because I hate it when he does that. “Don’t do what?” he says as if he doesn’t know, but I choose to ignore that right now. “Why are you doing this?” “Because this is what I want,” he says standing up and coming towards me but I quickly move away and down the stairs. Jesus, I knew he wanted more but I had no idea he wanted everything. I start to pour myself a very tall glass of Beam. “I knew you’d never ask me.” “Damn straight.” “Hmm,” he laughs out. “Do you think this is easy for me?” I look at him and I see sadness and I do hate to see it but, God, he is asking too much of me. “To know that you love someone else?” “Don’t you dare bring him into this!” I yell. “Why not? He’s always right in the middle of everything, and there is never anything I can do about it.” “You knew what you were walking into. I never lied to about him.” I have always been truthful with him about Justin and for him to bring him into this is just unbelievable. “No, you didn’t and I have learned to live with him, being here with us.” “Yeah and this just shows it,” I say in a disbelieving tone. “Brian I love you, and I am willing to spend the rest of my life with you knowing that you will always love Justin,” I look to him and I am trying to understand his perspective because I know that he has never held Justin against me or our relationship, “but I want us to get married and start a real life together.” He says it with such emotion that I really don’t know what to do. All I really know is that I have to get out of here. I move up to the bedroom and start to throw some clothes on. “Where are you going?” he asks worriedly. “I have to get out of here.” “Brian, you can’t just leave right in the middle…” “I feel like I’m suffocating, Collin,” I tell him stopping all movement to look into his eyes so he knows I’m not lying. “Let me do this.” “Alright,” he says nodding his head in defeat, and moving back towards the living room. When I’m ready I don’t bother looking in his direction as I leave the loft and head straight for my Jeep. I get in and start to drive with no destination in mind but when I take a look around I notice that I am just around the corner from the Kenning’s house, so I make my way there. ‘Knock....Knock’ I wait and finally Jarred opens the door looking surprised. “Hey kiddo, having a bad night?” he asks while opening the door wider and taking me into a hug. We have become extremely close Jarred, Trudy, and I. They have been so supportive of me through everything I have been going through since Justin’s accident. Whenever I need them they’re there for me no matter what. “You could say that,” I say as he closes the door and leads me into the study. “Well have a seat and let me get us a drink.” I take my seat and watch as he pours out our drinks. “Honey?” I hear Trudy say and I turn to look at the door. “Hey Brian, how are you doing sweetie?” she asks coming over to me and giving me a tight hug as she sits down. When she pulls away I feel a tear slip past my cheek. “Oh sweetie, what’s the matter?” she asks wiping it away. “I don’t know what to do,” I say holding back a sob. These two people have become the parents that I’ve never had. It’s amazing what a mother’s touch can do to you. “Why don’t you tell us what happened?” Jarred asks. I nod my head and grab the drink he’s handing to me. “Collin asked me to marry him,” I say in disbelief. I still can’t quite believe that he’s asked me. “Well that’s big,” Trudy says. I just nod my head. I don’t know what else to say. “What did you say?” “I asked him if he’d lost his mind.” “Oh, Brian,” Jarred says quietly. “What was I supposed to say? He completely threw me here. I never in a million years expected him to ask me to marry him.” I see them both nod their heads, and Jarred takes a long drink from his glass. “What am I going to do?” I ask hoping that they can tell me what to do, because for the first time in my life I don’t think I know. “What do you want Brian?” Trudy asks rubbing my back, and without pause I answer. “For Justin to wake up and for us to be together.” This is all I have wanted since all this started. “Oh Brian,” Trudy says taking me back into her arms. “You know that’s never going to happen,” she says with a sniffle, and I know I have made her cry. “I’m sorry,” I say into her shoulder. “It’s ok, it’s what’s in your heart,” she says pulling back and wiping both of our faces dry. “I don’t know what to do.” “Brian I know that if we could ask Justin what he would want you to do, what he would want for you, I know that he would want you to move on with your life. To find the happiness that you deserve,” Jarred says and I know he’s right; I know Justin would want me to be happy. I know he wouldn’t want me to pine away for him forever. “I know.” “So now all you really need to do is decide if Collin will make you happy,” Jarred says truthfully. I nod my head knowing he’s right. Knowing that sooner or later I will have to make this decision and it will never be with Justin and that I will have to let it go. But I also know that Collin is a good man and that he is willing to take on a lot with me and my relationship with Justin. I know that he will never try to take that away from me and that he will understand, as he always has, when I need to spend the night with him, or when I just have to come here and be with the people that can give me a Justin fix, and tell me all they know about him. He’s a good man who loves me and I do care for him a great, great deal, and I know that we could be happy together. “Would you like to stay here tonight?” Trudy asks. “No I think I really need to go be with Justin tonight,” I say standing up and they do as well. I give them each a hug and as we move towards the door I offer my thanks. “You never have to thank us, kiddo. We are always here for you no matter what, and no matter what you decide we love you and want you to always be in our lives. Okay?” Jarred says and it couldn’t have sounded more sincere. “Ok,” I say turning to go out the door. “Drive carefully,” Trudy says as I walk away and turn and give her a smile, and I tell her I will. I jump into the Jeep and head straight for the convalescent home where we have put Justin up. As I walk through the all-too-familiar halls I start to wonder if I can really do it. Could I do this: marry another man? It just all seems so surreal to me. I make the turn to Justin’s hall and go right into his room. The nurses don’t bother me anymore since I am like a constant here. They all know me, and I pay half the bills for him anyways. The Kenning’s wanted to pay for them all but I just wouldn’t stand for that. He’s my man and I wanted to take care of him. But in the end we settled to half, which I am surprisingly ok with. As I take my seat next to Justin and take his hand into mine, intertwining our fingers, I can’t help but remember the last time we held each other. Everything was so promising that day. I felt that anything was possible, that maybe one day we would get married. But now we are sitting in this place under such horrible circumstances and I have to make the decision to move on from him. To give up on the life Justin and I had planned together. “Collin asked me to marry him to night.” I have been telling Justin everything that has been going on in my life. Whenever I am here I fill him in on everything. It helps me to talk to him, and they told us that talking to a coma patient is always good. “You know I never thought about marriage ‘till you came along, and now to think of marrying someone else… well, it just seems so wrong to me.” I kiss the top of his hand. “Why won’t you just wake up?” I feel a tear going down my cheek and I wipe it away. “If you’d just wake up I wouldn’t have to face a future without you. I hate this Justin, I hate this,” I tell him squeezing his hand. I do it so if he can’t hear me maybe he can feel me. “I know that you want me to be happy, I know that, but even so, making this decision is something I just don’t want to do.” I wipe away another tear. “Jarred said that the only thing I really have to do is to decide if Collin and I can be happy spending our lives together. The truth is though that I don’t really know. When you and I were together I just knew that we were going to be happy together if I just let go and let us have it. But in the end you were taken away from me and so now I just don’t know how to make that distinction.” I run my hand over his cheek. I wish he’d wake up. “I guess what I am really scared of though is that he will be taken away from me once I let myself try. I know it’s kind of stupid but I can’t help the thought. Plus, there is you Justin; there is always you. But he knows everything about you and he is still willing to love me and be with me, knowing how much I love you and knowing that I may never be able to love him. That is something I could never do, Jus, I could never love him like I love you. You and I had something that I think people search their whole lives for.” I kiss his lips. “I will never be sorry for that, and I will never regret us being together. But I think that now with all that’s happened I should really try to be happy, try to move on. Collin is a good man, and he does make me happy and he takes care of me when he can. It’s not always something that he can take care of, sometimes even now I need you to make it better and I don’t think that will ever change. I don’t see how it could.” I lay my head down next to his legs and run my hand over his. “Don’t hate me, Jus, but I think I am going to say yes. I think I have to if I ever want to be able to live again.” I find that I am losing the ability to speak around the huge lump that has developed in my throat and now that the tears are falling again I can’t seem to stop them. So I let myself cry until I eventually fall asleep. Present Time The next morning when I went home Collin was still there, and I told him that I would marry him. He was so excited and I tried to share in his excitement but there was still this nagging feeling in the back of my head and this huge hole that had settled into my heart and I just couldn’t bring myself to fully enjoy the experience. Now I think that I know why. It was my heart trying to tell me that I shouldn’t give up hope. As I walk up the stairs to loft door and open it up, I know that Collin is still here. He wasn’t home last night when I came to get some clothes and I just couldn’t think of the words to tell him that Justin is awake so I just didn’t. But now as I watch him walk down the bedroom steps I know I have to. “Hey, you ok?” he asks seriously. He’s gotten accustomed to me just sometimes taking off, and not coming home. He knows I won’t cheat and he knows where I do go. It’s either to Justin or to the Kenning’s or to Justin’s old apartment. Yeah, I kept it; I just couldn’t bring myself to give it up. When I am there he is so close to me. “Not really,” I tell him truthfully. “Did you go to Justin last night?” he asks with true concern as he comes to me. “Yeah.” Just thinking about him and the look on his face after he found out is making my whole body twist up in pain. “Is he ok? Did something happen?” he asks worried now. “He woke up,” I say and I see him just shut down. I know it is a shock to everyone. But the thing I want to know is how he is going to react to this news. “Justin woke up?” “Yes, yesterday afternoon.” I move to the couch and have a seat. My legs feel like jell-o. “Were you there?” he asks coming around the couch. “Yeah, I just happened to be making a visit, and he started to wake up.” “My God,” he says sitting down heavily on the couch. “I think you got the overall feeling of everyone else,” I rub my hands over my face and feel the cool metal of my ring run down my cheek and I hold on tightly to the tears that are threatening to fall yet again. “Well, how is he?” he says sounding skeptical. “I mean is he...” I don’t know what he’s trying to get at but I stop the thoughts right there. “He’s perfect,” I say without thinking and I see the hurt come into his eyes. “I mean, he’s fine. All the tests came back fine.” He nods his head. “So I suppose you’ll be going back to see him then?” he asks getting up and moving to the wet bar. “No,” he turns to me in surprise. “He asked me not to.” “But why would he do something like that?” he asks, perplexed. “The doctors,” I take a deep breath trying to calm myself down a bit before I continue. “They told us that we should fill him on our lives as soon as possible.” I say looking away from him. But he comes over to me and kneels down in between my legs. “Brian, I’m so sorry,” he says and holds me around my waist with his head resting against my chest. “It’ll be alright, he’ll come around.” To what? What is Justin going to come round to? ‘Cause I know that no matter what Justin comes around to, it’s not going to be me. And after everything we’re never going to be the same as we once were. I’m so confused, and I don’t know what I’m going to do. What I’m supposed to do.... KCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKC Justin’s POV: "Oh my God," I whisper, and when he looks at me I know he sees the tears in my eyes and in an instant they are falling down my cheeks. "You got married." I slowly take my hand away from his and I can feel the tears slipping down my face but I can't seem to get them under control. "Huh?" he says, seemingly so surprised. "Your ring," I say pointing to the simple platinum band around his ring finger. He looks down at his hand and I watch his face as he realizes it's all come together for me, and he never even had to open his mouth. "Justin," he says urgently as he shakes his head. I close my eyes tightly as I shake my head for him to stop because I don't want to know. "No, please listen to me," he says grabbing me by the arms. "It's ok," I practically beg him without opening up my eyes because I'm scared of what I might see in his own eyes. "They said you'd never wake up." God, please make him stop. "And Collin asked me." Oh, no more! I wake up immediately breathing so hard, and I hear my heart monitor going so fast, so try to just sit back and calm myself a bit. I really don’t want to have another shot of whatever it is they gave me after Brian left. How could something like this happen? Why would something like this happen to me? To Brian and I. It’s just so cruel. It’s like my whole life has been taken away within a day’s time... how is a person suppose to go on from that? Well I guess it’s so much for that happy life I thought I was finally going to have. “JT?” Jonathan says sticking his head through the door. I look over and give him a small smile. It’s the best I can come up with. “Can I come in?” he asks tentatively. “Yeah, of course,” I tell him and he slowly closes the door behind him and makes his way over to the chair beside my bed. “Are you ok?” he asks and I can see the sadness he has for me right now and I pretty much hate it. But when he reaches up and wipes away the tears I just realized were coming down I can understand his concern. “Yes. Yes, I’m fine,” I lie with as much confidence as I can possibly muster in this situation. “JT, you have never lied to me before. Why start now?” he says and I can see that it hurt him in just the simple fact that I would lie to him in this circumstance. “I’m sorry but I just…” I bite my lips and try to rein back my emotions. “I really don’t think I can survive talking about it right now.” And it’s the complete truth. I really don’t think I could survive talking about losing the love of my life yet again, just when I thought I had him in my life forever. And now it’s all gone, just taken away from me. I just can’t even comprehend it right now. “Ok, I can understand that,” he says taking my hand into his. “But I’m here for you whenever you’re ready,” he says simply but with such emotion. I nod my head so he knows that I understand and appreciate him letting this go for now. “Do you think that you could go get my doctor for me?” “Why, are you okay? Are you in any pain?” he asks jumping out of his chair, and practically knocking it over. “Yeah a little,” I say grabbing his hand so he can’t take off on me, because I know that’s just what he was going to do. “But I would really like to know when I can get out of here.” “Ok, let me go and get him then,” he says and not even five minutes after he’s left he is coming back with the doctor in tow. “So I hear someone is a little anxious to get out of here?” he questions picking up my chart. “Can you blame me?” I ask. “No, can’t say that I do, but I would say after this afternoon you were being a little hasty,” he says seriously. “I had learned some,” Oh what kind of news is that considered? I mean, shit, a marriage is something to be celebrated and something to be happy about. Right? “News.” I guess that’s the simplest way of putting it. “Well you are going to be learning a lot of things that are new to you and maybe even disturbing to you over the next while and I would hate to see something like this happen again,” he says completely concerned. But what this doctor doesn’t know is that this is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. “Trust me when I say that, no other news could even come close to hurting me as much as that did,” I tell him truthfully but I can still see his skepticism. “Doctor, you can trust that he will have pretty much round-the-clock care,” Jonathan jumps in with and I have to say I am completely grateful for it. I need to get out of here. “Anything he needs or even wants will be taken care of. I can guarantee that.” “Well after knowing your family and friends for the last five years, I am willing to release you into their care,” the doctor relents. “Thank you, Doctor,” I start but he interrupts me. “But Justin it is very important that if you have any problems or any weird difficulties that you go to the ER or come see me immediately.” “I know, and I promise I will.” “Damn right he will,” Jonathan adds his two cents in, and the doctor and I both chuckle a bit. “Ok, let me get some of your paperwork finished up. It shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours. Then you’re free to go,” the doctor says, leaving the room. “Wow, just a couple more hours and I can take you home,” Jonathan says in awe, almost. “Maybe, but where the hell am I supposed to stay until I can be on my own again?” I say worriedly, because I just didn’t even think about this before. I never had to. Dammit, this sucks. “You’ll come and stay with me,” Jonathan says exasperated. “No, I don’t think so,” I say seriously. “Don’t be a prick, JT, of course you’ll stay with me. You’re my best friend, and I love you and I am going to take care of you,” he says emotionally. I still can’t let him do that. He’s got a life and he doesn’t need to be saddled down with me the way I am right now. “Maybe I should stay here a couple more days until I can find a suitable place for myself, one that can handle my limitations as of now.” “No, you have family and friends that want to have you home and away from all of this. After everything, you deserve to get back to something normal,” he says adamantly. I try shaking my head but he is refusing to listen to me right now. “No, if you are not willing to stay with me then you’ll just stay with Jarred and Trudy. They were already insisting that you stay with them anyways,” he says and walks away from me and out of my room. “What the fuck just happened here?” KCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKC Brian’s POV: Six Months Later As I walk up the front steps to The Kenning’s I can’t help but feel like my heart is going to just explode at any minute now. This is going to be the first time in six months that I am going to be able to see Justin. Everyone was keeping me up-to-date with all of his progress, but there was never anything from Justin himself. Until yesterday afternoon. He called me and asked if I could come here and talk with him. Of course I said, “Absolutely.” I mean, for over five years I was always able to see him whenever I wanted to. But to have been pretty much banned from seeing him... well, to say it was pure torture would be a complete and utter understatement. When I get up to the front door I straighten myself out a bit and take a deep breath before I finally knock. “Hello sweetie,” Trudy says taking me into a tight hug which I return fully. Throughout all of this she, Jarred, and even Jonathan never wavered from being my friends. I was so scared that I would lose them on top of losing Justin, and I just don’t think I could’ve survived that. It’s been too hard trying to survive this new life without Justin without losing every link I have to him. “How’s he doing?” I ask as we pull away. “He’s doing really well actually,” she says taking my arm and leading me towards the living room. “That’s good,” I say not sure of where else to take this right now. I am just so nervous about this talk Justin and I are supposed to have. I mean, shit, there is so much I want to tell him, to explain to him, and this is my chance. I don’t want to fuck it up like I have done on so many other occasions when it concerned him. “Why don’t you go ahead and have a seat,” she says when we get to the living room, so I do. “I’m just going to go get Justin.” Then she takes her leave and I am stuck waiting. But I just can’t sit here so I get up and go look out the window. I know this is probably going to take a while, too. Even with all the rehabilitation he is still weak. I thought for sure I would be going to him and not the other way around. Shit, I wish he would’ve let me be there for him, to help him through this. “Finding anything interesting out there?” I hear Justin ask and I find myself spinning around to see him standing at the living room entrance with a beautiful smirk, and only a cane to aid him. “Justin,” I find myself whispering, and I feel a tiny smile come over me at just the sight of him. He smirk turns to a small smile in return and I find myself at a loss for words. KCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKC Justin’s POV: God, he looks so incredible. The light coming in through the window is bathing him just perfectly. I am definitely going to have to paint this later. I know I won’t even be able to stop myself. I have missed this man so much. I have wanted nothing more for the last six months than to call him and tell him just how much I miss him and need him in my life. But I have refrained. I know he’s married now, and that he loves his husband, obviously. I am now just someone from his past, someone that he loved at one time, but still I am his past now... I am no longer his future. And I have somewhat come to accept that fact. I may not ever be able to fully accept my fate but I will keep myself moving forward. I don’t know what else do. He’s not mine anymore and I have to accept at least that if nothing else. “I was just waiting,” he says nervously. He probably thinks I may have another meltdown. But I won’t. He will never see me like that again. That’s one of the reasons I pretty much refused to see him until now. “Well, have a seat,” I say with complete confidence as I move to close the doors behind me. When I turn around again he is seated and watching my every movement. It’s a little disconcerting, but I try my best to just do what I need to, and that’s to move myself a bit slowly to the chair across form the couch. When I am finally settled I set my cane to the side, and look at him. “I see you’re doing really well,” he says with a smile. “Yeah, slowly but surely,” I tell him truthfully. “They’re not sure if I will ever be able to get rid of this cane, but I still say I will.” “I’m sure you will,” he says and I know his faith in me is truthful. He’s always had such faith in me and my abilities. “Justin.” Oh shit, he is going to go somewhere I really had no intention of going. Ever. “Brian.” He looks surprised by the interruption but I keep going. “I didn’t ask you here because I think you owe me an explanation,” I tell him truthfully. “But I want to explain,” he says quickly but again I try to cut off this conversation. “You don’t owe me anything Brian. You’ll never have to explain yourself, or your actions to me.” He looks as though he’s at a loss for words, so I take the opportunity to move completely away from this conversation. “I called you here today, because I wanted to know if I could maybe work for your company?” I ask but he looks completely dumbfounded. Maybe he doesn’t want me working with him, which I can understand. It is a lot to ask. “Justin, Kinnetic is still and always will be half of your company,” he says as though I punched him. “I can’t believe that you’d think I’d take that away from you.” Well I don’t see why he would think I would think any different. Like he said before, he believed them when they said I would never wake up. That is after all the reason why he started a whole new life. Right? I don’t understand. “I’m sorry, Brian,” I shake my head trying to clear out the confusion a bit, but it’s not working. Never does anymore. “You told me that the doctors had told you I was never waking up.” “Well, yes but…” “But what? What was I supposed to think?” I ask, perplexed at his thought process on this. I don’t mean to be maudlin or anything but I have lost everything else, so why wouldn’t I have assumed that I have lost my shares in the company? It seems only fitting. “I don’t know, just not that,” he says angrily. “Look I made the wrong assumption,” I say forgetting everything else and trying to keep the peace. “I never would’ve blamed you for putting the company into your name fully, Brian. It would’ve been only right that way.” He shakes his head as if he doesn’t know what to say. “You’re right,” he says looking away. “I shouldn’t have gotten angry at you. I had no right.” Everything goes quiet after that for a few minutes and since I have never been good at very uncomfortable silences I start again. “So do you think it would be ok, if I started working there again?” I ask tentatively. “Absolutely, I’d love for you to come back to work,” he’s says and I watch his eyes for all signs of falseness in that statement but I can’t find a one. “When did you want to come back?” “I was thinking of starting slowly,” I see him nod his head in understanding. “But I wanted to start next week.” “That soon?” “Is that a problem? ‘Cause whenever is better for you…” “No, I just meant that... well, are you sure you’re ready?” he asks with such concern that I can see so clearly, that I have to turn away. “This week is my last week of full therapy, so I am definitely ready,” I tell him and finally look back to him. “Ok, that sounds perfect then,” he says. “So, you’re sure that this is going to be ok?” “Yeah, of course. The company is mainly made up of the same people and they have been asking about you.” “No. Not that,” I say and finally I have to move into that very uncomfortable spot that I have been trying to avoid. But I don’t want to start any problems either. “Do you think maybe you should talk to Collin first?” I know by the look on his face that I have completely surprised him by bringing him into this conversation. But this is important. KCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKC Brian’s POV: My God, this whole conversation is completely surreal. Not to mention insane. I have Justin sitting in front of me asking about what my husband will think of him coming back to work for his own company? This is just so wrong, on so many levels. “This has nothing to do with Collin.” “Maybe not business-wise but his feelings should be considered in this decision. Don’t you think?” he asks and, Jesus, I guess his feelings should but either way Justin has the right to come back whenever he’s ready. Plus, regardless of any ones feelings Justin is an amazing ad man and I don’t want him to be working for anyone else. “Collin has always been very understanding about you and I and our situation.” Situation? It makes it sound so clinical. “I see,” he says, looking away from me. “Well still I think you should at least tell him, and then if he has any problems with it, I can always find a job somewhere else. It’s not a problem.” “It’s your company Justin. So, yes, it is a problem,” I say simply because it’s true. I won’t let anyone, not even my husband, take anything away from Justin. Shit, I have already taken enough from him. “I tell ya what,” he says seriously. “Let’s just play this by ear?” “Ok, I think that sounds reasonable.” Maybe if I go this way with him he will relax about this situation. “So I’ll see you next week then?” he asks and I’m a bit shocked that this is going to be the end of our conversation. I mean, I have so much to say, and I don’t know how I got so sidetracked but I haven’t been able to say anything that I had planned on. “Is that it? That’s all you wanted to talk about?” I ask in disbelief. He seems to be taking everything just fine. Like the fact that I got married doesn’t even matter. “Did you want to talk about scheduling?” he asks confused. “No. But I thought we were going to at least clear the air a bit. I thought that I could at least tell you about Collin.” “Brian,” he says quietly but effectively cutting me off. “Do you remember when you first asked me to be a partner in Kinnetic?” I notice right away that he didn’t say ‘your partner.’ “Yes,” I say completely confused about where this conversation could go. “Well, do you remember why I was unsure of us working together?” “Yes, you said that we always had a hard time keeping our hands to ourselves.” I find myself smiling at the fact that he was right. “And you said that we were two strong individuals that were capable of controlling ourselves, and that in a work environment everything would be different. Do you remember that?” “Yes, Justin I can remember everything from our time together,” I say, losing my patience a bit. It’s just that he seems to think that I have forgotten everything about him. It’s pissing me off. “Sorry,” he says bowing his head. “It’s just that I have had to do a lot of reminding of the past over the last six months and I guess it just became habit.” “It’s ok, but there is no need to remind me of our past,” I tell him and look him straight in the eye so he knows I’m not lying. “I really could never forget.” He bites his bottom lip and nods his head. “I think that you were completely right in what you said and I think that we are very professional people. I also think that we should keep our relationship strictly professional,” he says seriously. “Is that really the way you want it?” I don’t know if I can do that. The truth is, I love him more than ever and I am just so screwed here. I’m married for fuck’s sake. I could never cheat on my husband, and I can’t just leave Collin. We’re married. That’s just not something you can walk away from. “I really think that this is the only way,” he stops in what seems like mid-sentence. “It’s what’s best for everyone.” “You’re right,” I say after a minute. Because he is. We can’t be like we were, and how can I expect that we could? It’s not fair to Justin. It’s certainly not fair for Collin, and I know already that Collin is going to have a major problem with Justin and I working so closely together. Like I said, I have never lied to him about my feelings for Justin. I have never thrown them in his face, but he has always been well aware of my love for Justin. But I have also told Collin that we are married and that I wasn’t going anywhere. He’s my husband now, and that’s just the way life is. “I’m glad you agree.” he says in an all business tone and with such finality, that it makes me wonder if this is how it’s always going to be. “So I’ll see next week then?” I ask standing up, I need to get out of here. Being this close to him is becoming too much for me. And the simple fact that I am going to have to learn to deny my feelings for him with him so close is just too much to bear right now. “You’ll see me,” he says standing up as well with the help of his cane. But what he just said reminds me of the second time I really had to say goodbye to him, and it is getting really hard to breathe in here. “And thank you, Brian,” he says softly. “For what?” I ask truly at a loss for why he would be thanking me for anything. “For everything,” he says with a small smile. “I didn’t do anything.” He looks down at the floor and then back to me. “You know that’s not true,” he says and I can see that he really wants me to just accept his thanks. “It’s always been my pleasure, Sunshine,” I say and I can see the sad smile and I know then that it’s my time to leave. “I’ll see you at work,” I say but all I get from him is a tiny smile and a tight nod, so I turn and make myself walk out the door.