~~~~~~~~~~~~ Authors Notes ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Big thing that's going to be happening in the next few chapters is a sort of time warp. There will be warnings such as Flashback and Present Time to let you know when and how. So please look out for them. I also have to give a big thanks out to my wonderful Beta LeCoerCorrompu. She always does such a great job helping to make sure everything is just perfect before she gives it back, and she also makes me sound a hell of a lot smarter while she’s at it. So Thank You. I hope you guys like this chapter. I put a lot of time and thought into this one, and I’d love to hear what you all thought of it. Thanks…..SATURN
Justin’s POV: I hear some slight rustling in the background, but I can’t seem to get my eyes to open. My eyelids feel so incredibly heavy. “Hmmm,” I moan out, but I can’t seem to get my voice to work for me. “Justin?” I hear Brian say. Then I feel his hand squeezing mine, before I feel myself sink back into slumber. KCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKC Brian’s POV: “Justin!?” I yell, squeezing his hand. He moaned. I heard him; I know I heard him. “Nurse!” I yell out. “God, hurry up,” I reluctantly let go of Justin’s hand and move toward the door and yell out into the hall. “Nurse!!” Only when I see Nurse Lane running down the hall for Justin’s room do I go back to his side. “Brian?” she asks as she rushes into the room and to Justin’s side. “He moaned, I heard him,” I tell her looking back and forth from her to Justin. “Brian,” she says sadly as she checks his vitals over. “You know that could just be part of the coma. He might not be waking up,” “No, he moaned. He’s waking up,” I tell her angrily. “I know he is.” I don’t know how to explain it but I do. I know he’s waking up. I smile with that knowledge. “Well, let me call for the doctor to have him looked over,” she says as she leaves the room. I sit back in the chair beside his bed and take hold of his hand again. I squeeze it tightly hoping that it will speed his recovery. I feel a tear slipping down my cheek, but right about now I really don’t care. All I want is for him to wake up. “Brian?” I hear Trudy call and I look up to the door way to see her standing there with tears of her own coming down her cheek. “She said that you heard him moan?” I nod my head in the affirmative. “He’s going to wake up,” I tell her with a smile while I look back at his beautiful face. I run my hand down his cheek. It’s a bit rough from not being shaven; we’ll have to rectify that. “I have to call Jarred,” she says leaning over to kiss Justin’s forehead. I finally notice her by the bed but she is already running off to make the call. Flashback --------------- I run into the ER not sure exactly where I’m going. I only know that I have to get to him as fast as I can. When I see the front desk I head straight for it. The receptionist at the desk is on the phone and I try to wait for her to get off for as long as I possibly can (which is about a minute, but whatever). “Excuse me, ma’am?” I say politely so she won’t get all huffy with me. She looks up at me and I can tell right away she finds me attractive so I plan to use that to my advantage. “How may I help you, sir?” she asks in a sickeningly sweet voice with a smile. ‘Calm down Kinney and just use this to your advantage,’ I think to myself. “Yes,” I find my voice cracking under the pressure, so I quickly clear my throat. “Sorry.” “Oh that’s quite alright,” she says. “My friend Justin Taylor was brought in,” she cuts me off... “I’m sorry sir but if you’re not family I can’t....” Oh, we’re not even going to go there. “A Nurse Henney called me and said to have her paged when I got here,” I tell her in an even voice trying my damndest to keep my temper in check. “Oh, well in that case, let me just page her.” she picks up the phone and I just end up sinking back into my thoughts. ‘He has to be okay, he just has to be. I mean, shit, I just saw him this morning and we are going to be starting our life together. We have plans. We need to start looking for a house, for Christ’s sake. ‘ “Mr. Kinney?” I hear the same voice from the phone and a tap on my shoulder, effectively pulling me out of my thoughts. “Yes,” I answer turning towards a small woman in green scrubs. She has her hair pulled back in a tight bun and she looks to be in her late thirties or early forties. “I’m Nurse Henney, we talked on the phone,” she says tentatively while holding out her hand which I give a slight shake. “Can I see him?” I see her brow somewhat furrow and I wonder why. “Yes, if you could follow me I’ll take you to him.” She turns around towards the door and starts to push in numbers on the key pad. As we walk through the door she starts to talk to me again. “Now, Mr. Kinney, I want you to be prepared for what you’ll see.” When I look at her I can see the fact that she feels sorry for having to tell me this. All I can do to put her more at ease is to nod my head for her to continue. “He’s going to have lots of tubes. We had to put one down his throat since one of his lungs collapsed. He is hooked up to an IV, as well as another tube for the blood. He lost a lot of blood, which I’m sorry to say we haven’t gotten quite a hold of yet. He is doing a bit better than when he came in. However, we are going to be taking him into surgery in about fifteen minutes to operate on his lung. We think he also has some internal bleeding as there was a bar that went through his left shoulder. The fact that he wasn’t wearing a seat belt made the crash much worse for him. He is pretty beat up all over.” We turn a corner and come to a stop at the first door. “Normally we don’t allow non-family members in to see a patient, but when he first came in he was barely able to speak but he managed to call out for you, right before he lost consciousness. That’s why I am making a special exception.” she says with a smile which I return, gratefully. “Thank you, you have no idea how much that means to me,” I say barely holding back my tears. She puts her hand on my shoulder and gives me a sad smile. “I know just how unfair the system here can be with partners.” Ah, so she knows we’re gay. “My son had a problem here when his partner got leukemia, and I never got their reasoning for the stupid rule.” She squeezes my shoulder and I just nod my head. I seem to be having a real problem with getting my voice to work. “Now go ahead since you only have a couple of minutes before we take him to surgery.” Again I nod my head as I start to open the door, walking through and then closing the door behind me. But even with the description the nurse gave me it still did not prepare me for what he looks like. “Justin,” I bite my lips to keep from whimpering. He’s hooked up to so many machines and there are so many tubes... his poor face is so bruised and cut up. I move towards his bed standing right next to it. But I am scared to touch him, I don’t want to hurt him anymore than he already is. I grab the chair and pull it right next to his bed to sit down, and I just watch him. His chest is rising and falling with the help of the machines and it hits me... what if he doesn’t wake up from this? What if he doesn’t make it out of surgery? Or what if this is just too much for him to recover from and he dies? What the fuck will I do if he dies? “No, you are not going to die. Do you hear me?” I say in a stern voice. He has to hear me. “You can’t leave me now. We have our whole lives ahead of us. And you…. you’re too young to go now, you haven’t lived enough; no where near enough. So you see, you just can’t die. It’s not an option.” I gently take his hand in mine and bring it up to my lips, placing a soft kiss on his fingers, then holding them there. I watch him and then suddenly, a miracle happens: he starts to open his eyes. “Oh God, Justin,” I say with a sniffle. I didn’t realize I was crying until just right now. “You’re going to be ok. I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere. Do you hear me?” I ask softly as I gently brush his hair back from his forehead. He answers me by barely nodding his head affirmatively. “I was so fucking scared,” I say with a tiny laugh. I see the sadness in his eyes at my statement, and I feel him give me a slight squeeze on my hand. “It’s alright ‘cause you’re awake; you’re safe. And the doctors are going to fix you right up. Before you know it you’ll be as bad as new.” I sit up and give him a kiss against his forehead. He attempts a smile at my joke but only manages to wince. “Mr. Kinney?” I hear the nurse from earlier quietly calling me from the doorway. I turn to look at her without letting go of Justin’s hand. “It’s time,” she says coming into the room. I nod my head and look back to the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on, even with all the cuts and bruises. “Justin,” I see him looking at the nurse and I wait for him to look back to me. “They need to take you in for surgery now, but when you get out I’ll be right by your side, I promise. Ok?” I see him nod his head but I also see tears starting to roll down his cheeks. I wipe them away, and kiss the wet trails. “You’re going to be fine. Don’t be scared,” I say softly as I look into his eyes, and squeeze his hand. “I’m not going anywhere.” He squeezes my hand back and barely nods his head in response, but at least I know he heard me. I give him the best encouraging smile I can at this point to give him strength and as well as courage to get through this. “Okay, Justin, I am going to be taking you up to the surgery room now, ok?” Nurse Henney says from the other side of him as she gets everything set up for his transfer. I hear the door open and look over to see a male orderly putting the door stop on so it will stay open as they wheel him out. When he looks up he gives me a small smile. Thank God he’s not gay. I don’t think I could put up with the flirtation shit right now. I’d probably end up strangling him from pure frustration at this whole situation. “It’s comprised of fairly routine procedures so there is no need to worry,” she says looking directly at him with a tiny smile. “Now I will put Mr. Kinney up in the family waiting rooms on the surgery floor, and I will make sure he has full access to everything concerning you as long as that is okay with you?” This is a great woman in front of me. I have never met another nurse so willing to make sure a gay couple could have access to each other. I watch Justin nod his head and then look over to me. I see the tears in his eyes and I feel horrible that I can’t take all his pain away. All I can do is lean over and give him another kiss on his forehead and ear and whisper... “I love you.” I feel him squeeze my hand twice and I know he is trying to let me to know he loves me, too. “I know you love me, Justin,” I whisper then kiss his ear one more time before I stand up and see his beautiful eyes. “Ok, we must be going now,” Nurse Henney says and they start to move out of the room but I just can’t let go of Justin’s hand so I walk with them to the elevator all the while keeping my eyes locked with Justin’s. when I hear the ding of the elevator and watch the doors open for them, there is nothing in the world I want to do more than to be in that elevator with them. “I’m sorry, Mr. Kinney, but there just isn’t enough room for all of us in the elevator,” “I know,” I say with a slight smile as I look at Justin. “I’ll see you in a bit, ok?” I watch him nod his head and I lean down to kiss him once more. “Ok,” I say to the nurses as they start to wheel him into the elevator. I only let go of Justin’s hand when I absolutely have to. “Go on up to the seventh floor. They will be waiting for you, and a nurse will take you to the family waiting rooms. I promise to get any news to you as soon as possible.” I nod my head. “Thanks,” I force out around the lump in my throat as the doors close on me. Present Time ------------------ That day must have been the worst day of my life. The time I spent in that waiting room before someone came to talk to me felt like forever. But when they told me what happened I almost wished they never came to talk to me at all. Flashback --------------- “Mr. Kinney,” I hear Nurse Henney call my name and I look from the window in the family waiting room to the door. She looks a bit worn out, and I have to say I know just how she feels. “How is he? Can I see him now?” I say a bit rushed. I can’t help it though; I just have to see him. “Why don’t we sit down for a minute?” she says, and I have to say she is making me very uncomfortable. But as she sits so do I. “What happened?” I ask ‘cause I know something is wrong. I can tell by her body language and the tone of her voice, not to mention just by the way she is looking at me; it’s as though she hates the fact that she has to be here... telling me whatever this is about. “They had a few complications in surgery, that’s why it has taken so long.” “What kind of complications?” I ask around that lump that never really went away and is now back full force. “Well it seems he was allergic to something in the anesthesia.” “Oh God,” I whisper. I knew he had allergies but I just wasn’t thinking so I didn’t… I didn’t tell them. Oh God. “He went into anaphylactic shock and flat lined on the table.” “Is he…?” I can’t even finish that sentence. I don’t even know if I can handle the answer to that question. “We managed to get his heart going again after we shocked him a few times.” “Thank God.” “However, we couldn’t stop the surgery because of the severity of the internal bleeding and the collapsed lung, and I am sorry to say that he has slipped into a coma.” No, this can’t be. “But he’ll wake up right? I mean, he has to wake up.” “At this point we can’t say,” she says trying to take my hand but I instantly pull away from her. I can’t even stand the thought of anyone touching me right now. “His body has suffered through an extreme amount of trauma, and the next twenty four to forty eight hours are going to be critical for him.” I can’t believe this is happening. I run my hand over my face as I try to let all this sink in. “As soon as he stabilizes, we should know more. But until then we really can’t be sure.” I can feel the tears slipping down my face now and I try to pull myself together by wiping them away and taking a deep breath. “Can I at least see him now?” I can hear the pleading tone in my voice, but I just have to see him, be with him. “He’s in intensive care right now which means that you can only stay for a short amount of time, but yes, you can see him now.” We stand up and I follow her to where Justin’s room must be. When we finally stop outside of his room she turns back to me. “I suggest that after you spend some time with him that you go home and get some rest. You’re going to have to take care of yourself if you plan on being there for him.” She is being extraordinarily nice but all I can focus on right now is Justin and being with him, so I open the door and go to his side. He looks so peaceful right now, like he is only asleep. How I wish that were true. Present Time ----------------- Like I said, it was the worst day of my life. “I called Jarred and he said he’d be here in twenty minutes,” Trudy says coming back into the room and sitting in the chair across from me on the other side of Justin’s bed. “Has anything else happened?” “No, not yet,” I say swiping his hair away from his brow. “But he’ll be back with us soon,” I declare with complete certainty. KCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKC Justin’s POV: I feel myself waking up again and I want to see Brian’s face so badly right now that it’s all I can think about. I know I was just dreaming about him and I know he’s right beside me; I can feel his strong hand holding mine. I also know that there is a smaller, softer hand holding my other one. It must be Trudy. I slowly open my eye lids and then immediately close them again. It is way too fucking bright in this room. I gently squeeze Brian’s hand. “Justin?” he sounds almost surprised. “Justin, baby, wake up,” I hear Trudy say. “Bright,” I force myself to say. God, my throat is so incredibly dry that one little word hurts to get out. “He’s awake!” I hear Jarred shout, and I wince from the sound reverberating through my brain. “Oh, sorry Justin,” he says much quieter. “Let me get the blinds.” After a second I hear the blinds closing and see the light dimming behind my eyelids. “Open your eyes, Jus, look at me,” I hear Brian say as he kisses my hand. “Yes, let us see those gorgeous baby blues,” Trudy says. I reopen my eyes, but everything looks so fuzzy so I blink a couple of times and slowly the world comes back into focus. “There you are,” Brian says as I look over to him and I can see a few tears running down his beautiful cheek. Suddenly he is kissing me and I open my mouth slightly. I feel his wet tongue softly slip into my mouth and glide over my own tongue before he pulls back. I give him a slight smile but he has the biggest smile I have ever seen on him. He looks so beautiful when he smiles. “Would you like something to drink?” Brian asks me and as my throat is so dry I just nod my head. “Ok,” he says grabbing the pink container and glass, filling it up. I look over to Trudy and Jarred and I see them both smiling at me. “Hey,” I croak out. God, this is horrible. “Hey baby, we’re so happy to have you back with us,” she says quietly. “You gave us quite a scare there,” Jarred says. I smile sadly at them as I feel Brian’s hand under my head. “Here, lets sit you up,” he says and I try to sit myself up but my body doesn’t seem to want to respond for me. I can feel myself starting to freak out. Am I paralyzed? “Calm down Jus, you’re ok,” he says softly as he puts the cup with a straw up to my mouth. I slowly start to sip but it seems almost instantly that I start to choke. “Slow down, it’s alright. Just breathe,” Brian says calmly. When I manage to get back under control, I look at him with a grateful smile that he returns. “Better?” “A little,” I say with a bit more ease. The little small amount that I did get down seemed to coat my throat a bit. “Good. Do you want another drink?” I nod my head and he puts the cup and straw back up to my mouth. I drink it very slowly but I can only manage a little bit before I stop myself. “My goodness, Mr. Taylor, I must say it is a pleasure to see you awake,” a man in a white coat says coming into the room and grabbing a chart from the bottom of my bed. “My name is Dr. Walton.” “Hi.” “How are you feeling?” “Tired.” “That is completely understandable. You are going to be quite tired for awhile, as a matter of fact.” Well, after such an accident I must say I don’t doubt it. “We are going to want to do a few tests as soon as possible. But first I want to ask you a few questions. Is that alright with you?” “Sure.” My voice is so fucked up right now. “Ok then. What is the last thing you remember?” “I remember going into the surgery room and them putting me under anesthesia.” “Good, now can you name all the people here with you?” I nod my head and look to Brian. “Brian Kinney,” then I look to Trudy and Jarred as I say their names. “Good, do you remember the accident?” “Yes,” I say nodding my head. “Ok you don’t seem to have any memory loss but I need for you or someone else if they notice anything to tell me immediately. I feel myself drifting off again and I try to fight it but I don’t seem to be winning the battle. “Don’t fight it, Mr. Taylor.” I reopen my eyes and look to the doctor. “The tests are going to take awhile and trust me when I say they are boring and you’d rather sleep right through them anyway,” he says with a bit of a laugh and I just smile at this, and turn to look at Brian. He smiles down at me. “Go to sleep. I’ll be right here waiting for you when you wake up,” he says softly with a smile and I have no doubt about what he said. After all, he’s here now just like he promised. He leans down and kisses my lips softly as I feel myself drift back to sleep. KCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKCKC Brian’s POV: He’s awake! I bring his hand up and kiss it. This may be the happiest day of my life. I can’t take the smile off my face. “I can hardly believe he’s awake,” I hear Trudy say softly. When I look up at her I can see the huge smile on her face. “There will be someone to take him for his tests in just a minute,” the doctor says as we all look to him. “But can I talk with you all out in the hall?” “I don’t want to leave him,” I say softly. “It will only take a few minutes, I promise.” I nod my head and we all seem to get up and walk out to the hallway at the same time. Once we are all in the hallway the doctor closes the door behind us. “I wanted to discuss what will happen now and what you all will need to do.” We nod our heads and suddenly it hits me: there is so much that needs to be taken care of now. “Well first off, of course, are the tests. They will tell us if there was any damage to his brain functions and whatnot. But there is the fact that there have been changes that concern him. When this comes about we really suggest that the family tell the patient as soon as possible.” “Don’t you think it should wait until he has settled and recovered?” Trudy asks. “No, it really is important that they know where they stand in the world.” I didn’t even think of this. My head has just been so focused on the fact that he woke up. Which really is all that matters. We’ll get through the rest later. “There is also going to be a lot of physical therapy that he needs to go through. Not to mention he is going to be confined to a wheel chair for a while depending on how well he responds to the therapy. So, in short, he will need to stay with someone for the time being to help him do the things he can’t do for himself right now.” “When will he be released?” I ask. “Right now I can’t say. Let me get a look at the test results and then I can give you an estimate on how long he will need to stay here.” I simply nod my head because what else can I do? I don’t want them releasing him until he is ready. “Is there anything else we should know?” This from Jarred. “Well I can’t say for certain, but some coma patients have residual effects such as nightmares, and some can have problems with going to sleep because they are afraid they might slip back into a coma. Not to mention some do have the nightmares from what put them in the coma, as in Justin’s case, which was the accident.” “So we have to be prepared for something like this?” I ask. “Yes, and I will send a therapist to talk with him and yourselves to hopefully help with these things while he’s here. Neither he nor you all will have to go through this alone.” “Thank you, doctor. We appreciate all you’ve done,” I say shaking his hand. “Yes, thank you,” Jarred says also. “Not a problem. Someone should be in soon to take him for his tests. They are going to take a couple of hours to finish up so if you all want to go and get something to eat you’ll have plenty of time,” he says and then leaves us. We all go back into the room and sit in our respective seats. All of us are seemingly too busy with our own thoughts to make conversation, that is, until I hear Jarred speak up. “Has anyone called Jonathan, or Debbie?” Jarred asks. “Damn it, I didn’t even think,” I say because I should’ve done that first thing when I knew he was coming around, but like I said, he’s all I could think about. “I’ll call them as soon as they come to take him for his tests.” “Alright,” Jarred says. We spend the next couple of minutes in silence until a male nurse opens the door. “I’m here to take,” he looks at the clipboard he’s holding, “Justin Taylor?” he questions. “Yes,” I say. “Ok, well, I’m here to take him for his tests,” he says moving over towards the bed. “If you could just excuse me,” he says to Trudy who happens to be sitting in the chair that blocks his way to the machines. “Oh yes, of course. I’m sorry,” she says getting up. Jarred moves the chair for them. “The testing is going to take a couple of hours and I’m sure you all have some calls to make. Maybe you’d like to get something to eat as well.” “Yes the doctor informed us,” Jarred says. The nurse nods his head and it seems that it takes him no time at all to get all of the wires and tubes and machines ready for transport. “Ok, we’ll be back as soon as possible,” he says as he starts to wheel him out but I stop him. “Hold on,” I say putting my hand on his shoulder which stops him. I lean down and kiss him against his dry lips and I have never felt anything better than the feel of him unconsciously kissing me back. I really thought I would never have him back. It hurt so much. “Ok?” I hear the man ask. I just nod my head, afraid that I may start to cry if I even try to talk. But that seems to be enough since he continues out the door then down the hall. As soon as he is out of my sight I turn towards the window and feel a few tears fall. He’s finally back with us. “Brian?” I hear Trudy question and I try to straighten up as I wipe my tears away and turn around giving her a small smile. “Oh baby, it’s okay,” she says coming over and taking me into a tight hug. Through all of this her and Jarred have been so wonderful; taking me in and treating me like family. I couldn’t imagine getting through this with out their support. So right now I know that it’s ok to break down in her arms. They will understand and never think any less of me for it. So I do; I cry into her shoulder and I even hear her crying as well. Flashback ---------------- When they finally threw me out of Justin’s room for the night, I managed to get a hold of Jonathan’s number and had him call up the Kenning’s and I also called up Debbie. It seemed to take them forever to finally get to the hospital and when they finally got there I just wished they would go away. Debbie and Trudy fell apart and we couldn’t seem to get them to stop crying, which I understood ‘cause I had the same reaction pretty much. But it was like I couldn’t deal with it right then. My head was so messed up with the very real possibility of losing the man I love. So finally, I had to excuse myself for a cigarette. I felt so tired yet I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep so I didn’t even want to try. Plus, there was no way I was leaving the hospital. I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving him here all by himself. We were supposed to be going home together and celebrating us finally getting back together. We were finally together. Fuck! I couldn’t wait to have him with me tonight, and now I don’t know if he is even going to make it out of this, and after this thought I break down completely. I just lose it and I can’t find it in me to shake it off like I seem to do with anything else. After about ten minutes of completely balling my eyes out I feel a pair of arms taking me into a tight hug, and when I open my swollen eyes it’s Jonathan. The thing is that I know if anyone knows what I’m going through, it’s him. The next couple of days are pretty blurry, and I don’t remember much of anything except for praying and hoping for him to wake up. After a couple of weeks though doctor Walton came to us, with news that I never wanted to accept. “I was really hoping that Mr. Taylor would’ve woken up by now. But the fact is he hasn’t, and unfortunately if a coma patient doesn’t wake within those first few weeks there is a very real possibility that they won’t.” I can hear Trudy trying so hard to hold back her sobbing. This is breaking all of our hearts. “We are not giving up hope, doctor, so you and this hospital will just have to continue doing everything in your power to bring him back to us,” I say growing extremely angry. What right does this man have to say Justin won’t pull out of this? To tell us to give up hope? “That’s just the thing, Mr. Kinney,” he says calmly. “We’ve done everything in our power. We’ve fixed him up from the accident and even made sure he was alright from the original anesthesia mishap but he still hasn’t been able to pull out of his coma. This is something that not even the best doctor in the whole world could get a patient to do. It all comes down to Mr. Taylor, and what his body is capable of. And unfortunately this may have been just too much for his body to pull out of,” he says and I know he’s telling us the truth and I know they have tried everything they can to keep him with us this long but I still won’t give up on him. “That may be so, but I don’t care! We are not giving up on him. Not now, not ever,” I say with conviction. “Doctor, what are you suggesting here?” Trudy asks and I have to tell you I’d like to know as well, because Justin still has a heartbeat and he is breathing, so what is it that they want to do? “What I am suggesting is that we take Mr. Taylor off of the ventilators.” “Are you fucking insane?” I yell out. “Calm down, Mr. Kinney.” “I will not calm down when you’re suggesting that we kill Justin!” “There is a possibility that he will breathe on his own, and all I’m asking is that we find out.” “And what if he isn’t able to breathe on his own?” I ask calming just slightly, because that would be a good thing if he breathes on his own. “If he can’t, then we are going to have to do some tests to see if he has any brain activity.” “You mean he could be brain dead?” “Yes, I’m sorry, but that is a real possibility.” These doctors always sound so clinical and calm like they aren’t talking about a person’s life but rather making a well-rehearsed speech, and I hate it. “I will give you a few minutes to discuss this amongst yourselves. But please, I urge you to really think about this, in the way Mr. Taylor would want you to and what’s in his best interest,” he says and leaves us be. When I heard him say that, I just couldn’t bring myself to think of anything else. Justin wouldn’t want to be hooked up to all these machines for the rest of his life and he wouldn’t want to be a vegetable either. He would take this chance; I know he would. He’s just that kind of man. So I talk with Trudy and Jarred and Jonathan and we all decide that yes, this is what Justin would want. I go and tell the doctor that we are going to go through with it but we all want to be able to say our goodbyes just in case. He says it’s no problem and so one by one we all go in and say our goodbyes. I go last. I go in and sit down in the chair right beside his bed with my back towards the door, and all I can do for a good ten minutes is cry. “I can’t believe this is what it all comes down to. This might be the last time I can touch or see your beautiful face. And I’m having a very hard time coming to grips with that. I don’t want you to go, I don’t want to lose you Justin. I can’t imagine my life without your smile, or without seeing you, or talking with you everyday. I had thought that we were never going to have to worry about that ever happening again once we got back together; but here we are two weeks later facing it again. Only this time I will never have the chance to fix it. You’ll be gone and there won’t be a damn thing I can do about it. I don’t think I can handle that, Justin, I don’t think I could live my life never seeing you again.” I feel as though I am being strangled. Fuck, I have to get this out. “So please, Justin,” I hear my voice crack but I push on. “I’m begging here and I never beg for anything, but I am begging you not to leave me. So if you can hear me Justin, please fight. Fight with everything you have and stay with me.” I take him into my arms and hold him for a long while. I can’t bring myself to let him go. But all too soon I know I have to so I kiss him all over trying to remember just how he feels, how he smells, how it feels to have him in my arms. But now I know it’s time, so I kiss him on the forehead. “I love you, Justin Taylor,” I whisper to him, then go to get the doctor. At this time everyone comes back into the room. When the doctor finally turns off the machines and takes the tube out of his mouth my heart just stops for a second.. But it seems we are all holding our breath waiting to see if his heart monitor will go flat. After a few seconds he starts breathing on his own, and we all breathe sigh of relief.