What If Justin Stayed to Watch the Movie with Brian or Round Robin #3 Justin POV I can't believe he is still paying my tuition. I can't let him do that. We are not together anymore. Our deal is null and void. I have to go talk to him. God I hate to lie to Ethan, but I need to see Brian tonight. Ethan would freak if he knew it was Brian who paid my tuition and not my father. I'll tell him I am going over to my father's to thank him for the money. "Ethan...Ethan." I have to yell because he's practicing for his upcoming recital. Some times I just want to break that fucking violin. "EEETTHHAAANN!" "Baby, did you say something?" "Yeah, I have to run out; I should be back in an hour or so." "Where are you going?" "I want to see my dad and thank him for the money. "Why can't you call him?" Ethan asked pointing at the phone with his Violin bow. "No, I need to do this in person." Ethan sat his violin down. "Okay, I'll go with you." "I don't think that's a good idea. I don't think my dad would like me bringing my boyfriends around. I'll be back in about an hour." I gave Ethan a quick kiss and walked out the door before he could say anything else. Before I was able to pull the door tightly close I heard him start playing his violin again. When I got downstairs I called Daphne to see if I could borrow her car. "Hello." "Hey Daph, it's me." "Hey, Justin what's up?” "I'm walking towards your apartment right now; I need to borrow your car for little while." "Sure, what's up?" "I need to see Brian." "You're going to see Brian! Wow! Just this morning you didn't want to discuss him." "And I still don't." I guess she does deserve an explanation being that I am borrowing her car. "He paid my tuition and I am going to tell him I can't accept the money." "What?!!! Be reasonable man. How else are you going to afford school?" "Daphne I can't take his money. Look I'm downstairs now can you bring the keys down." "Alright." I am not in the mood to explain myself to her right now. I feel guilty lying to Ethan and I am extremely apprehensive about going to the loft. But I owe it to Brian to speak with him in person. I waited for Daphne downstairs. She handed me the car keys and didn't say another word on the subject. The look she gave me was enough. I know she doesn't like Ethan, but hey that's fair, I don't like all of her boyfriends either. When I pulled up in front of the loft I lost my nerve to face Brian. I see him at the diner, and that's hard enough, but to be alone with him in the loft again, I don't know if I can handle that. Oh shit what if he isn't alone. For some reason that thought pissed me off, and I got out the car and bypassed the elevator and took the stairs up. I still have the codes so I don't need to ring the buzzer. I slide the door open like I have every right to be there. As soon as I opened the door I was hit with this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. Brian was sitting on the sofa watching "One eyed Jack," I can remember the many times we have sat and watched that movie together. He was so into the television that I didn't think he realized I was there until he spoke. "You planning on coming in?" He didn't look at me when he spoke. I'm not sure if he knows whom he is inviting in. When I didn't move he turned and looked he wasn't surprised I was standing there. Who am I fooling of course he knew it was me, I can tell the precise moment when Brian enters a room, I can feel him. I don't have that with Ethan. I looked around the room unsure of what to say next when he spoke again. "If you're looking for someone, there's no one else." "For a change." God why did I say that? I didn't come here to be snarky. I walked further into the loft. He looks so good sitting there on the sofa, maybe I should have just called. I didn't know what else to say so I just blurted out. "Is that a new coffee table"? "Mies van der Rohe." Do I have every nuance of this loft sketched in my mind that one new piece of furniture would catch my eye so quickly? " Mmm....must have cost a fortune". " Yup." I can see he is not going to be Mr. Conversation, so I should just get to the point. "I went by the Bursar's office today. I can't accept it." "What?" What does he mean `what' he knows exactly what I'm talking about. "The tuition." "Oh. That. Why, is someone else covering it?" "No." "Well then, you can't afford not to." "But we're not together anymore." "We signed an agreement. I'll pay for your school, you pay me back, with interest." "You don't have to honor it." "A deal's a deal." "I could be poor for a long time." "Yeah, well, knowing your tastes you'd better not be." "It's not like I have a shit load of great moneymaking opportunities." "You have one. " Michael, it always comes back to Michael. I knew Brian had something to do with him approaching me today about Rage. Maybe Brian's right business is business. I'll deal with that another time; I have to get out of here. I turned to leave when I hear him speak again. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Shit did I say thank you. "Thank you." "Not that, that - your computer. I packed it for you." "It's yours." Bullshit. You need it. Take it." Not knowing what else to do I tried to pick up the box, but it is a bit of struggle. I couldn't' bring my self to ask Brian to help. Damn, after what I did he is still my knight in shining armor. Taylor what did you do. I was so busy berating myself that I didn't hear when Brian spoke again. "If you can wait until the movie ends I can drop you off." "I have Daphne's car. I only need help to take it downstairs, but I can wait. I leaned up against the counter and was going to wait over there, I knew the movie was about to end so it didn't matter. "You can sit over here on the sofa, I won't bite." "I just didn't want to disturb you, I know this I your favorite movie." "Well too late for that, you already disturbed me when you opened the door. Besides, I thought you liked it too." I took off my coat and laid it on the counter. I went over and sat beside Brian on the sofa. "Yeah I do, but I already missed most of it." "We can start it over." I looked up at Brian when he spoke. There was something in his eyes when he looked at me. I only caught a glimpse before the mask came down again. Was it longing, hope maybe? Or was it my longing and me hoping? "Can we start it from my favorite scene?" "Sure." Brian reached over picked up the DVD remote. When he leaned over his untucked shirt rose and exposed part of his waist and back. Oh damn, he said he wouldn't bite, but I don't recall making that promise. Why did I come here? "What scene do you want me to start from?" "Huh.. oh um, the scene after the opening credits. I like it when you recite the opening dialogue." "Really." Brian started the movie back from that scene. ----------- Justin grabbed the remote and turned the volume off. It was the way that they use to watch it. Brian knew every line of the dialogue. Justin knew that that was the reason he personally loved One-eyed Jack. It wasn't the plot or the characters as much as it was how much Brian loved it. "Go grab a couple of beers." Brian requested. "I think there are some Oreos up there too." Justin knew the man was wrong but decided to look anyway. He knew that he had eaten the last of the Oreos a week before he had left the loft. To his surprise though on the top shelf Justin found a new package. He glanced over and studied Brian's profile. He knew Brian would rather eat arsenic than Oreos. He bit his bottom lip realizing that Brian had bought them for him. He brought a beer, apple juice and the Oreos back to the new coffee table. Brian smirked at Justin's juice. "That's Gus' juice." He teased. "Well it’s all you have that even slightly works with Oreos." Brian grabbed his beer without comment and started the movie once more. "He was a real shit to leave his friend like that." Justin commented as he watched the realization on Brando's face when he learned that his friend had abandoned him in the hills to save his own skin. "Well you know sometimes people have to think of themselves. They have to do what they think is best for their own survival." Brian's voice was soft. Justin swallowed the unease he now felt wondering if Brian really felt that way. "It seems selfish." Justin admitted. "Running out on him that way." "What good would it have done for them both to have been caught?" Brian asked. "I don't know." Justin furrowed his brow. "None I guess, but it is just so unfair. He was such a shit and went on to be this sheriff and have a life while Brando rotted in jail and plotted revenge." "Life sucks sometimes." Brian seemed so subdued Justin found himself watching the man more than the movie. He'd never seen Brian like this before. He wasn't sure what to make of it. "Do you ever think that the guy wishes he hadn't left his friend like that?" Justin asked still watching Brian closely. "Probably." Brian admitted. "Do you think it would have made any difference if he had come back. If he had stolen the horse and ridden a little ways then realized he was making a mistake and returned. Do you think Brando would have forgiven him?" Justin asked. Brian paused the movie but continued to stare at the screen. Justin waited not realizing he was holding his breath until the other man spoke. "Justin, what do you think?" Brian asked his voice still low and soft. "I think sometimes people panic and make mistakes." He admitted. "Sometimes they do things that seem like the right thing at the time but then they wake up and realize that it might have been a mistake." Brian looked over his eyes so soft and his face completely open to the blond. "Justin, are you still talking about the movie?" Brian asked rolling his lips into his mouth. "I don't think so." Justin admitted then reached for the brunet. --------------- The first touch of his lips against Brian's was like and electric shock to Justin. He closed his eyes savoring the feel of Brian's lips on his…again. He hadn't known how much he'd missed the full soft lips until they were pressed against his. He tried to deepen the kiss. Brian wouldn't allow it. Brian didn't pull his lips away from his but he didn't deepen the kiss into one of the searing, breath stealing, passionate kisses Justin had come to expect from him. Instead the kiss was a gentle pressure of two lips moving softly, gently, urgently against Justin's lips. Brian parted his lips just enough so Justin could feel his hot breath against his lips. Justin squirmed. He wanted more, but Brian was keeping their passion under control. Justin slightly parted his lips so his breath could mingle with Brian's as their lips moved gently back and forth. Justin heard a whimper and realized it was his. He maneuvered until he straddled Brian's lap. His hands sunk deeply into the thick russet tinted strands of Brian's silky hair. Justin ground against the tell tale sign of Brian's hardness. Brian's answering whimper floated to his ears. Brian's tongue snaked out and licked Justin's full pouty bottom lip. Then the tip of his tongue traced Justin's lips from top to bottom and back, over and over until Justin was literally panting. He slowly drew Justin's bottom lip in his mouth and sucked on it...bit it. Justin let out a soft whimper. A sound between begging, pleading and total surrender. Justin's eyes flew open. Their eyes locked and held. Justin saw the answering lust emanating from the hazel depths. He knew that the lust, longing and passion in Brian's eyes only mirrored his own. Brian gripped Justin's hips to stop him from grinding against his hardness. He looked in to the murky, lust filled blue eyes. "What do you want from me, Justin?" Justin pulled back trying to catch his breath. "What?" He asked his mind warring against his body. His body knew what it wanted. It wanted to be joined again with Brian's. It wanted to feel his hands on its flesh, his teeth grazing and nibbling up its neck. It wanted to once more feel possessed, owned by this man. It longed to be filled once more with the pounding heat, the expert rhythm, the primal need. But Justin knew that wasn't what Brian was asking. He wasn't asking Justin's body what it wanted. Justin's body was speaking for itself as he realized how painful his erection now felt confined within his pants. "You heard me." Brian replied. There was impatience in the man's tone that Justin recognized to be more weariness than frustration. "I don't know." Justin mumbled. Brian sighed and pushed the boy off of his lap then stood adjusting himself as he did so. "I think you should go." Brian stated then grabbed the remote. The screen went black as Justin continued to stare up at his ex-lover in desperation. "You're throwing me out?" He asked his voice small and slightly confused. "Yes, Justin. I'm throwing you out." Brian replied his eyes staring sadly down at the boy. "Why?" Justin asked reaching for him again. What had happened? One minute he'd felt sure that they were going to fuck and now Brian was suddenly throwing him away again. "What's the big deal?" He asked feeling his gut painfully twist as Brian avoided his touch. "The big deal is that you have a boyfriend." Brian moved to the kitchen counter. Picking up a cigarette he lit it. He took a long drag before turning back to regard the younger man. "It's what you wanted remember?" Justin furrowed his brow wondering what it was that Brian was doing. He hated the feeling of rejection and disinterest that was now coming from the man. "I've never known you to turn down a fuck." Justin spat angrily. He felt foolish throwing himself at Brian the way that he had. "So what? What's one more?" "I've had you." Brian stated turning away. He knew his eyes would give him away. He knew that the loss and sorrow he felt at Justin's leaving was still too new for him to fully mask it from the other man. "Oh yeah," Justin nodded. "You've had me alright. Over and over and over again, but now suddenly your `no repeat' rule is back in effect?" "You're the one with the rules Justin, so don't fucking lecture me on rules." Brian's anger was evident as he turned back to confront the man. Justin recoiled in the face of it. He'd never seen Brian this angry, not lately anyway. "Brian?" Justin began. "No Justin. No, you don't get to play it both ways. You're rules were for the good of our relationship but my rules were fucked. No, that won't play here. I broke all my rules. I broke everyone of them." He pinned the man with a heated gaze. "But I never broke yours. NEVER." He stormed past the blonde heading for the windows. "Now get the fuck out. Go back to your boyfriend. Go back to your flowers, and violin music and fidelity." Justin looked down at the boxes then back up at the Brian's back silhouetted against the fading light of the city. He wasn't sure what to do. He really didn't want to leave. He had never really wanted to leave. Justin suddenly felt so tired. He moved back to the kitchen and sat down on one of the stools still watching Brian's back. "Get your shit together, Justin I'll take you home." "I don't want to leave," Justin admitted to Brian's back. Justin heard Brian sigh, "Why?" It was such a simple question but Justin knew how he answered it would decide whether he had a future with Brian. It would decide whether they had a future together. Instead of answering the question Justin asked one of his on. "Brian, before I answer that please answer this for me. Why did you fuck Rage? Why did you have Lindz and Melanie send me to the backroom?" Brian blew out a stream of smoke it floated above him. He turned to look at Justin. The young man he loved like no one else. He wasn't stupid he knew how much he loved Justin. He knew how much Justin meant to him. But watching Justin walk away from him with *Ian* in front of all of Babylon not only broke his heart, but it also damaged his pride. Brian had known for a long time that his professional and financial success, his ego, his reputation as the Stud of Liberty Avenue and his pride were all he really had. Those were the things that he thought were important in his life. The only things that mattered in his life…until Justin. "Does my fucking Rage have anything to do with why you lied to me, cheated on me and then left me in front of a club filled with our family and friends with Ian?" The recrimination stung. Mostly because Brian was right. He'd been cheating and lying to him long before he saw him fucking Rage. Justin got up from his seat and retrieved a cigarette from the table. He lit it and inhaled. He needed to steady his nerves. Brian walked to the bar and poured two glasses of JB. He handed one to Justin. "Thank you," Justin muttered. Brian nodded in acknowledgement. "Brian, let's talk. Let's get it all out in the open. Everything. You asked me what I wanted from you, well I need to know the same thing. So, I think we should get it all out in the open. Starting with the morning after we met up to this moment. A No Holds Barred Honesty Fest." Brian scoffed, "Why the Hell would I want to play Lezzy and spill my guts to you?" "What's wrong, Brian? You're not man enough to hear the truth. You can't take it!" Justin goaded. Brian knew he was being played, being manipulated. He looked at the sly smile lifting the corners of Justin's lips. He knew he was falling in his trap. But hadn't he been falling in his trap from day one. Brian lifted his glass in a mock salute. "Okay, Blonde Boy," he said caustically, "you want a *No Holds Barred Honesty Fest* you got it!" --------------- The statement hung in the air for over five minutes as they stared at each other. Brian walked back to the bar and poured himself another drink. He'd decided that if they were going to have this conversation he was going to damn well get wasted. He finished pouring his drink and turned to Justin. "You have the floor. This is your idea so start talking." "I think you should go first," Justin stated quietly. Brian scoffed, "Oh, No, Einstein. This was your bright idea. I think you should take the first crack at it. I'm *so* interested in hearing the fairy tale you've concocted to explain leaving me for your greasy haired fiddler." Justin was stung by Brian's bitterness but refused to let it show, "Maybe if you would have shown me an ounce of gentleness and caring I wouldn't have left with *my greasy haired fiddler,*" Justin said bitingly. Brian was incredulous. He walked right up to Justin, got in his face, and stared down at him. He was so close Justin could smell the JB and cigarettes on his breath, feel his hot breath against his face and see the anger in his ever-changing green gold eyes. He enunciated each word slowly, "Tenderness--what do you call the first night I made love to you after the bashing? On our anniversary, no less. I was gentler with you that night than I was the first night we met. Caring—what do you call all the nights I held you after your nightmares? How about the days and nights I spent massaging your *gimp* hand as you call it? How about letting you climb back in my bed after I found out about you breaking the rules with the fiddler? What about continuing to pay your college tuition while you are with the fiddler? The man, by the way, that you have been cheating with for--hell who knows how long. Tell me Justin, what the fuck does it take to show you tenderness? To let you know I care? Because for the life of me I've given you all I have to give and you just keep throwing it back in my face like it's a load of SHIT!" Brian was leaning down his face buried so close to Justin's he could see Justin's eyes dilate in surprise from the vehemence in his words. Brian didn't know what got into him, maybe it was the booze. Maybe it was the heat of the moment. He wasn't sure and he didn't fucking care. He roughly grabbed Justin's arms pulling him up on his toes and took his mouth in a kiss filled with passion, frustration, anger, lust and longing. He heard Justin's whimper only seconds before his lean body slapped against his and Justin gripped his hair. Justin opened his mouth allowing Brian's tongue to plunder its depths. Somewhere in the back of Brian's mind he knew this would solve nothing, but at the moment his dick was hard and the head below his waist was making more sense than the one above it. Their tongues did battle till Justin was fighting for breath. He pushed away from Brian gasping for much needed oxygen. He grew rock hard staring into Brian's heated gaze as he panted. Justin didn't know or care what had gotten Brian so worked up. He launched himself back into Brian's arms devouring the older man's lips hungrily. He could feel Brian's hard length poking him in the hip. Justin's frantic mewls were swallowed up by Brian. Brian roughly tugged off Justin's hoodie and let it fall to the floor. Justin's shirt quickly joined the worn sweater. Brian attacked Justin's nipples with fierce desire. He pulled Justin down to the loft floor right where they stood. Brian put a hand under Justin's back to guide him to the floor. His other hand snaked around cupping Justin's head so he wouldn't hit it on the floor. Justin's legs wantonly fell open creating a space for Brian to invade. Brian ripped his own shirt over his head then attacked Justin's lips once more till they were raw and swollen. He nipped the corner of Justin's mouth. He slapped Justin's hands away from the front of his jeans. Brian captured Justin's hands in one of his and held them up over his head while he dug in his pocket for the needed supplies. He viciously ripped open Justin's jeans. He couldn't help but smirk when he heard Justin's gasp. He ripped off Justin's pants and practically threw them half way across the room. Brian noticed Justin was already leaking copious amounts of cum. He held Justin's wide-eyed gaze, his nostrils flared as he leaned in and lapped the sticky pre cum off Justin's stomach. Brian made a show of opening his jeans and pulling out his hot hard nine-inch dick that he would ram up Justin's tight ass. Justin shuddered at the glorious sight. He didn't bother taking his jeans off, only lowered them enough to fuck. He coated his fingers with some lube, not bothering to warm it. He smirked when Justin yelped at the cold intrusion. He didn't take the time to prepare Justin much. He was in the mood for a hot no holds bared rough fuck. The condom was on his dick in one stroke. Brian exchanged a look with Justin conveying what was about to happen with his eyes. The look spoke of desire so hot it burned and if Justin had any objections to being fucked through the floor he'd better make them known now. Justin licked his swollen lips and raised his legs in surrender. His pucker was twitching in anticipation and need. Brian entered Justin in one hard thrust. Both their cries filled the cavernous loft. He started thrusting leaving no time for Justin to adjust to the fullness. Justin hissed at the burn. His eyes rolled at the familiar fullness. He was stuffed full of Brian's meat, a throaty moan escaped him. Justin grabbed for the leg of a bar stool as Brian pounded into him. The stool came crashing down nearly missing Justin's head. Justin couldn't get enough of Brian's soft worn jeans brushing against his sensitized ass. His back was hot and sweaty as Brian pounded into him he was shoved across the wood floor. Justin gritted his teeth as his back squeaked across the floor. Brian was waxing the fucking floor with him. He used his anal muscles to clamp down on Brian giving him a taste of his own medicine. Brian's growl was worth it. Justin beat the floor with his hands wanting to cum desperately. He knew he would cum only when. Brian let him. Justin shrieked as Brian slammed into his prostate. The whole room dimmed around Justin. He shot his creamy load between their sweaty stomachs. Brian pulled out leaving Justin's well-fucked hole gaping open. He stripped off the condom and fisted his cock twice. His head rocked back as his massive load exploded from his prick drenching Justin's chest and face with his hot crème. He collapsed next to Justin on the hard floor. He winced at the ache in his knees. He glanced at Justin noting the satisfied fucked expression. Justin struggled to get his breathing back under control. He missed Brian more than he'd ever allowed himself to believe. He felt the man's body so close to his own, his mind working on the man's words while his body enjoyed the heat next to it. He felt the euphoria slowly slip away. No matter how he struggled to hang on to it, he knew as always it would leave. He glanced over at the beautiful man lying next to him. He was so difference from Ethan. Ethan as compact and passionate where as Brian was angular and intense. Justin knew that what he shared with Ethan lacked the depth he felt for Brian, would always feel for Brian, but it offered something that Brian couldn't. Monogamy. The knowledge that he was enough for someone else. Justin wasn't sure when being enough had started to matter so much. He'd tried to understand Brian's need for sexual conquest but it always warred with Justin's own need for intimacy and exclusion. He didn't just want to be a convenient fuck for the man. He didn't want to be a fuck at all to Brian. He wanted it to mean more, to be about a deeper connection that moved beyond the physical. He wrestled with Brian's words. He had given a lot. Justin felt ashamed as he realized all that Brian had given him that was both tender and loving. Why was this so hard? Why did he suddenly feel both cut off and angry? It seemed that for the last few months he'd begun to feel this overwhelming need to assert himself, to make himself heard, to have one thing go his way. It frightened him sometimes how angry he felt. He had no idea who he was angry with in reality, but he'd fallen into the easy well-worn habit, practiced by the rest of Brian's family, and chosen to blame him. After all Michael was forever reminding him that Brian would never change. Justin looked over and met two soft hazel eyes. His heart ached to reach for the man and kiss his lips, beg for forgiveness and come home, but he wasn't sure that was the right move so he remained still and quiet. "Well Sunshine, that's all I have to say." Brian huffed sadly then rolled his lips into his mouth. `Once again the mighty Kinney fucks his problems away.' Justin thought as he watched the man rise from the floor and pull up his jeans. Justin suddenly felt overexposed as he too reached for his own clothes. Justin seemed lost in his thoughts. Brian watched him closely. He had noticed subtle changes in the younger man over the last few months. It had started as a small crack but now the gulf between them seemed too wide to ever traverse. Brian wasn't sure how they had gotten here. He'd thought that once Justin returned to school after the bashing that life would return to normal, but slowly things had begun to unravel. "Anything else?" Brian asked. Justin merely shook his head. He swallowed the lump in his throat. He knew that he didn't want to leave but somehow knew that he would anyway, just like he had a month before. "I miss you Brian." Justin admitted. "Sometimes I think about how it was and I feel so fucking mad." He pulled his shirt over his head keeping his eyes down. "Then sometimes I think about us and I remember feeling so happy." He glanced up and met Brian's expressive eyes. "Did you ever feel happy? Did I make you happy?" Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek huffing a soft sigh. "Justin, we're not lesbians." He began. "Save it!" Justin spat surprising Brian as he recoiled slightly. "I don't need you to demean my need for emotional affirmation." "Wait. That's sounds like something a musician might mutter to justify fucking over a lover." Brian raised one eyebrow defensively. Justin glared at him. "Leave Ethan out of this." He warned. "I didn't bring him into this. You did." Brian reached for the bottle and poured himself another drink. Justin watched him wondering how one moment Brian could have his dick up his ass, sharing the most intimate experience two people can experience, then suddenly turn off the emotion and be so cold and distant. "I only brought him into this because I needed something you wouldn't give me." "Anal warts?" Brian quipped downing the drink. "Reassurance that what we had was more than sex." Justin stated angrily. "That I was more than a fuck to you." "Justin, you stopped being just a fuck the second time I brought you home. Ironically I broke all MY fucking rules for you and yet NEVER broke one of yours." Brian threw his hands up into the air. "What else do you want?" "Words!” Justin yelled. "Tell me. I don't know why, but I need to hear it. I can't fucking read you anymore." "You were always `on to me'." Brian replied softly the confusion evident in his voice. "That was before." Justin explained then stopped. He knew Brian hated talking about anything related to the bashing. "Before?" Brian asked. Justin shook his head. "The…" Brian couldn't say it, he wanted to but as usual the word curled up in his throat and refused to come out. "Yeah." Justin replied wearily. "Before that." He offered. He resented that the word was no longer uttered, that it was something everyone knew but no one was allowed to mention. The comic had felt cathartic. Justin had never realized how much he'd repressed and he knew there was still so much rage hidden beneath his accepting expression. "What changed?" Brian asked. "I'm exactly as I was the night we first met." "I'm not." Justin replied sadly. He held up his gimp hand, which was trembling slightly. Brian moved instinctively forward and began massaging it. Justin moaned softly as Brian's strong fingers worked the fatigued muscles. "I had a project I had to do this week. Lots of sketching." He explained. Brian glanced up. He usually didn't allow himself to dwell on the consequences of the bashing but now realized that just because he didn't think about them, didn't mean that Justin didn't have to deal with them every fucking day. "Better?" He asked. Justin nodded and pulled his hand away. He looked up into Brian's eyes wishing he could read what it was that the man was thinking. He use to be good at this. He use to be able to tell just by the expression in his eyes or the way he was standing. Now he saw nothing but Brian, distant, cool, fuck anyone Brian. "You knew who I was." Brian defended. "I did, but I don't anymore." Justin admitted sadly. He found his shoes and began putting them on. "What will Ethan think of your little slip?" Brian asked feeling hurt and rejected. It was obvious that the man was leaving to return to the fiddler. "He'll be hurt, but the fact that it happened tells me a lot." Justin continued with his other shoe. "What's that Sunshine? That even blissfully happy homos fuck around." "That sex is just sex, doesn't have to mean anything." It was a lie but Justin was willing to believe it if it meant surviving the event of the evening. Brian rolled his lips into his mouth devastated by the young man's words. "Well you always were a good fuck." Brian spat trying to strike back to save face if nothing more. "Yeah, well that's all I was right?" Justin asked the hope in his voice giving him away. It was now or never. This was yet another window of opportunity the blonde was inching open. He just needed to know and he needed Brian to give him that without sarcasm or condemnation. Justin felt pathetic begging the man one last time to give him a reason to stay. He felt a sudden urge to bolt from the loft before Brian had the chance to reject him again. He watched as Brian laid his glass down on the counter then crossed the room until their bodies were merely inches apart. The older man reached down cupping Justin's face, hope and desperation evident in two searching blue eyes. Brian swallowed then softly cleared his throat. Justin braced himself for what was to come. “You were always more than a good fuck.” Brian began, his words breaking with an emotion he’d held in check for as long as he could remember. “You were the reason I woke up in the morning, the reason I went to work and strived to be the best. You were the catalyst that gave me my son and the opportunity to be more than just a sperm donor. I’m Gus’ father and he knows that and he loves me and I love him. I wouldn’t have had that if it hadn’t been for you breaking down my walls and showing me that I really could love someone.” Brian let his thumb brush away a tear that strayed down Justin’s cheek. “You were my everything. I know I didn’t say it but there was a reason for that. I figured if I said the words then they wouldn’t mean anything anymore. They would just be a string of letters that I would be parroting. But if I showed you. If I kept to your rules. If I became the best in my field. If I gave you everything you needed to be the best artist you could be. If I quietly and silently loved you. Then you would know and you would love me back and never leave me.” Brian’s voice choked and he walked away across the room. He needed to put some distance between the two of them before he fucking fell on the floor and begged Justin to come back to him like some lovesick lesbian. Justin stood rapidly blinking his eyes. He thought he was in shock. His mouth moved but no sounds came out. He couldn’t believe what he *thought* he’d heard. It had to be some type of verbal illusion...if there was such a thing. Wasn’t it? Or was it real? Did Brian just say he loved him? Did he just hear Brian use the words *I love you* and his *name* in the same sentence? Justin didn’t know he was moving until he was standing behind Brian. He reached out his hand and tried to pull Brian around to face him. Brian didn’t budge. His form was rigid and unyielding. Justin was use to it. Whenever Brian threw one of his *take no prisoners* queen out moments or if he was in a defensive mood he always took this posture. Justin didn’t let it detour him. He slipped around Brian and wiggled between him and the bar. His body was flush against Brian. Brian’s skin had that warm glow and earthy smell it always had after they had fucked. The smell was intoxicating. Justin met the heat of the hazel eyes looking down at him. “See, you said the words and you didn’t puke,” he said playfully. He knew Brian needed to step away from the emotional stuff for a few minutes. He may not be able to read him like he did before but he still understood the basics of Kinneyism. Brian barked out a dry laugh, “Don’t speak so soon, Sunshine. I’m feeling a little nauseous right now.” Justin laughed to lighten the moment. “If you have to hurl let me know so I can get out of your way.” Brian smirked, “I’ll think about it.” Justin cupped Brian’s face. “I love you, Brian.” Justin said it with reverence. He held Brian’s unwavering stare. Brian’s eyes searched his for the truth of his statement. He must have found what he was looking for. “What about the fiddler?” “I care for him. He’s said all the words I wanted to hear. He made all the romantic gestures. He’s been a balm to my bruised feelings, but I don’t love him…I can’t love him because I love you.” Brian let out a sigh, “Justin I can’t be your dreamy-eyed school boy like the fiddler. What I said a few minutes ago I can’t say that everyday. I mean it may be a long time before I’m able to say it again.” Justin shrugged, “But you said it…finally.” “But is it enough?” “It’s a start.” Brian placed his hands on Justin’s hips, his eyes softly locked with Justin’s. He allowed Justin to see a softer side of him…for now. He wanted Justin to know that he was open to him. That the time without him had shown him how much he wanted him in his life. But he needed some answers. He too needed some reassurance from Justin. “Justin I asked you before and you didn’t answer. Let me ask you again. What do you want from me?” “For starters a few nights like tonight…without all the angst, of course. I just want to sit with you sometimes and watch TV, eat a home cooked meal,” he gave a seductive smile, “get fucked on the floor.” Brian caressed his ass, “I can do that. Anything else?” “Every now and again tell me that you care. I know I should be able to read the signs but my Kinney radar is a little off. Until I can get it reprogrammed I just need a little reassurance now and then.” “And that will be enough?” Justin gave him his Sunshine smile, “And that will be enough.” “And how do I know the next time you don’t hear what you want you won’t go running off looking for *violin* music?” “Because I realize that music is bittersweet without you.” Justin leaned up on the tip on his toes, griped the back of Brian’s mouth to bring it down to his. Return to Index