December 2021 Gus Peterson-Marcus had just returned to his dorm room after finishing his last final exam for the 1st semester of his junior year at Penn State University. Gus was gathering up the last of his belongings to take home to Pittsburgh, for the semester break, when his phone rang. “Hello.” “Gus, this's your Grandma do you have time to talk?” “Sure Grandma I was just making sure that I had everything I'll need for the next 3 weeks in Pittsburgh packed and ready to go. What can I do for you?” “I need to talk to you in person, can you stop by my place tomorrow?” “No problem Grandma, any time in particular?” “I’ll be home all day so whenever is good for you is fine.” “OK I’ll see you in the morning then.” “Thanks Gus I’ll expect you then. Goodbye.” “Bye Grandma.” *** “Anyone home?” “I’m in the laundry room Gus, come help me fold clothes.” “Uncle Justin why do you wash your clothes instead of sending them out, you certainly can afford it. Then again why didn‘t you and Dad hire a cleaning service years ago?” “I could order every meal from some restaurant too, I can afford it but I enjoy cooking and doing the laundry is calming. Just because you can afford to pay for something doesn’t mean you have to pay to have it done. As to a cleaning service I just never felt comfortable having someone clean up after me, especially after your Dad‘s cleaning lady walked in on us one day at the Loft. Your Dad would say that I prefer living in a mess. But as I recall he barely even noticed that she was in the room while I turned every shade of red from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, which she saw completely.” “Dad's never been worried about anyone seeing him naked. How many pairs of underwear do you two have?” “I don’t have a clue, your Dad enjoys buying clothes, he sees something new and he can’t help himself. We probably have more designer label items than anyone else in Pittsburgh. Have you looked in your closets and dresser lately; I imagine there are plenty of items he's bought for you over the years. I said I find doing the laundry calming but I don’t do it very often. Most of our business attire goes to the dry cleaners and I send most of our shirts and pants out at the same time. So every few weeks I wash whatever is left, mainly underclothes, socks, bedding, and towels.” “That's more than I really wanted to know Uncle Justin; which is why I never asked before. Wha're we having for supper?” Since I didn’t know for sure when you would get home, even though you did call, you weren‘t very specific about the time you were planning on leaving State College, I didn’t make any plans, we'll just wait for your Dad and go out somewhere. You'll be going somewhere with Katherine tomorrow I imagine so I guess the next big meal I'll make will be Sunday dinner. I’ve invited the gang over for a pre Christmas get together. What sounds good to you?” “I always like fried chicken but anything you make is good.” “I’ve never had any luck with lamb for some reason. All right we'll have fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, with asparagus. Followed by cherry chip cake with vanilla ice cream. Your Dad has said on more than one occasion that I should be a cherry chip cake by now. He still resents my metabolism to this day. Remind me to buy some chickens tomorrow.” “That reminds me I have to stop by Grandma’s tomorrow, she called me and asked if I could come by her house when I had some free time. She probably needs something carried out to her storage room again. I can pick up anything you need from the store on my way home before I pick Katherine up for our date. Just give me a list in the morning.” *** “Hey Sonnyboy, how did your tests go?” “Hey Dad, I think I probably flunked the lot of them.” “Like we would believe that. Have you proposed to Katherine yet?” “Dad, will you give that a rest? I aced my tests like I always do. Do you like that answer better?” “In order: no, yes.” “You know I’m not proposing until after I graduate. Do you plan on asking that question every time you see me?” “I think he's figured it out Sunshine.” “Why Dad?” “Because it bugs you Sonnyboy.” “Dad.” “Gus it's best to withdraw from the fight when it's obvious you can’t win.” “Thanks Uncle Justin I’ll try to do that next time.” *** “Hi Grandma, what do you need moved?” “Nothing Gus I just need to talk to you about something. I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it over the phone.” “That sounds serious.” “It is Gus. I hate to put you on the spot but you're the only one that has a chance of getting Justin to talk to his father.” “What? You do remember what happened that last time I tried to get Uncle Justin and Grandpa to talk to each other?” “Yes Gus I remember and I wouldn’t ask but it's important that we try. Craig won’t push Justin and Justin needs to make up with Craig before it's too late.” “Too late, I don’t like the sound of that.” “I went to see Craig last week to decide what we should get Tommy and Anna for Christmas this year. You know that we've gotten them one present from their grandparents instead of one from each of us? Anyway I caught Craig by surprise and he wasn’t able to hide how much pain he was in. He only has a few months left Gus, if Justin's ever going to make peace with his Dad he has to do it soon or he'll lose the chance. I know my son well enough to know that no matter how much Craig hurt him all those years ago he'll never forgive himself if he lets Craig die without making up. I also know that Justin wants to make up with his Dad but he just can’t get past what Craig did 20 years ago. I would just tell Justin to go see Craig but I know that wouldn’t work. I just decided that maybe it would take one of your plans to get Justin past his anger to the point where he can finally forgive Craig. What do you think Gus?” “I think that I won’t do anything to risk my relationship with Uncle Justin again. I spent over a week thinking that I had ruined it the last time and I’m not willing to go there again. But don’t worry Grandma I won’t let Uncle Justin regret for the rest of his life not making up with Grandpa. I have an idea; it's amazing how quickly I can think of these plans, on how I can get Uncle Justin to change his mind about seeing Grandpa. But I’m sure that in the long run I'll just have to tell Uncle Justin that Grandpa is dying. The plan will be just to get him in the mood to hear what I have to say. Grandpa knows why Uncle Justin has been so reluctant to make up, I know as well, but you're right Uncle Justin does want to make up, he still doesn‘t want to admit it to himself though.” “Gus neither your Grandpa or I would want you to risk your relationship with Justin so don’t do anything that would do that.” “I learned my lesson last time, so I won’t risk my relationship but I'll get Uncle Justin to at least talk to Grandpa, I can’t promise anything more than that. I'll also make sure, within reason anyway, that no one besides me will say anything about Grandpa dying. It'll probably be obvious to Uncle Justin but no one will say it directly to him. Of course Dad'll end up being the final straw though since he'll support Uncle Justin but in such a way as to make Uncle Justin think about seeing Grandpa.” “What do you mean Gus?” “Uncle Justin'll figure out what is up, will complain to Dad about everyone pushing him to see Grandpa and Dad'll tell him not to do anything he doesn’t want to do. But he'll do so in such a way that Uncle Justin'll have to at least think about seeing Grandpa. As much as they hate to admit it I know how to push their buttons when I want to. As much as I hate to admit it they know how to push my buttons. Dad knows how much it bugs me for him to ask if I’m going to ask Katherine to marry me but he still asks every time we meet or talk on the phone.” “It always amazes me how wrong I was about Brian when Justin first started chasing after him. I never thought that they had a chance, that Brian would hurt Justin more than Justin would be able to handle. Of course they've been almost a perfect couple for over 20 years now. You'll never have to worry about Brian and Justin‘s love for you Gus, no matter what you do they'll love you. Of course you've been pretty much the perfect son and grandson.” “Grandma you're making me blush.” “Why do you think I said what I said? By the way, while you're here, you might as well take the trash out.” “Grandma!” *** “I got an extra chicken Uncle Justin, just in case, since the're on the small side. The store didn’t have any fresh asparagus so I got green beans instead, I’ll make them my special way, you do have some bacon grease in the fridge don’t you?” “Bacon grease in Brian Kinney’s house? He would have a heart attack if he found bacon grease in the fridge so I keep it in the pantry freezer, just get some of it out in the morning to thaw but don‘t leave it out where he can see it or I won‘t hear the end of it for weeks.” “Does Dad know you keep things from him?” “Of course he does and I’m sure he keeps things from me. Every couple has to have some secrets from each other Gus. But we learned long ago that while it works for us to keep little things secret we don’t keep anything of any real importance from the other one. It doesn’t matter if I keep the fact that I sometimes use bacon grease in my cooking from him but it would matter if I kept it secret that I had made a million dollars from selling a nude painting of him.” “You didn’t?” “Didn’t what? Paint him nude or sell one for a million dollars?” “Well I know that most of your drawings and paintings of Dad are erotic in nature, I got past that years ago, but did you sell one for that kind of money?” “I can only wish. The only picture of your Dad, recognizable as Brian anyway except for close family and friends, I ever sold was at the GLC art show back in 2000, it sold for $100, and that was for charity and I didn’t get a penny. It certainly surprised the hell out of me when I finally found out who bought it. Most of the pictures I‘ve done of Brian aren‘t erotic.” “I guess that's in the eye of the beholder then. Who bought the one of Dad that you sold then?” “Your Dad, who else, the art show was back when he denied that he felt anything for me yet he couldn’t keep from buying a picture I had drawn, of him, one night when he was asleep. He claimed that he didn’t feel anything for me yet he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. He didn’t do a trick more than once but by the time of the art show I had already lost count of how many times we had fucked; not really, I knew exactly how many times but even Brian knew it was a lot more than once. When we were packing up the Loft to move to this house I found the picture at the bottom of one of his drawers. He claimed that he just bought it so I would think that someone had found my work good enough to buy and I would be encouraged to keep drawing. I knew better and he knew that I knew but we’ve never said anything about it since. It probably is still at the bottom of one of his drawers. Have I ever told you how glad I am that you got the two of us back together?” “Yes and are you going to tell me the story? “Not tonight that's something your Dad and I'll have to do together. Well you probably better go get ready for your date with Katherine and don‘t worry I‘m not going to ask about your intentions.” “Thanks Uncle Justin, I shouldn’t let it bother me so much but it does.” “That's why he does it Gus, he loves his little Sonnyboy so much and it's his way of keeping you a little boy; if only for a few minutes at the time he does it. When you and Katherine get married he'll be the 2nd proudest father in the United States, I'll be ahead of him by a nose. Then when you make us grandfathers he'll be the first to deny being old enough to be a grandfather but mark my words; Brian Shawn Kinney'll be a wonderful grandpa.” “I’ll see you before I leave.” *** “Mikey I need to call a family meeting for tomorrow. Can you ask everyone without letting Dad or Uncle Justin knowing about the meeting?” “Gus you haven’t decided that you're Gay after all have you?” “Mikey that isn’t funny.” “Yes it is Gus, yes it is.” “I was only 13 what did I know? Can you get everyone to the store tomorrow, it's important and very important that Dad and Uncle Justin not know about it.” “Don’t worry Gus, I’ll have everyone there tomorrow at 5, what's up? I’ll need to tell them why you're calling a meeting.” “Just tell them that I’ll explain it all tomorrow but that it's much more important than the last time.” “OK Gus we'll be there and we'll do whatever you need us to do.” “Thanks Mikey, it is important.” *** “Hi everyone thanks for coming on such short notice.” “Well honey, as long as it isn’t about your sexuality we'll do what we can.” “Aunty Em give it a rest.” “Gus when does Emmett ever give anything a rest.” “Teddy be nice to me.” “Guys I have to ask for your help in running one of my plans.” “Since Brian and Sunshine aren’t here I assume that it deals with one or the other of them?” “Yes Deb it does. I’m going to ask you all to try to influence Uncle Justin but you absolutely can’t directly tell him what we're trying to do and why we're doing it. He'll figure it out but I promised Grandma that you wouldn’t tell him directly. Once the plan has run its course I'll probably have to tell him but only as the last step. I’m also counting on Dad doing his part, even though he won’t know that he's doing it. Well he'll know what he's doing he just won’t know that I'm planning on him doing what he's going to end up doing.” “Gus do you have any idea what you just said, because I certainly don’t” “Yes Mama I know what I said and what it means. Dad, don‘t tell him I said this, is the most predictable person in the family. He'll support Uncle Justin 100% but in such a way as to push him into making the right decision.” “You’ve lost me Gus, just tell us what you want us to do; it'll be easier in the long run.” “Thanks Teddy. As you all know Uncle Justin refuses to forgive and forget those things that Grandpa, did all of those years ago. Well he's running out of time, Grandpa only has a few months left and Uncle Justin'll never forgive himself if he lets Grandpa die before he makes up with him. None of you can actually say that Grandpa is dying; that will be up to me if necessary, and it will be necessary. What I need for you to do is to point out various things that you regret not doing before it was too late. Teddy you probably should stay away from Uncle Justin since we all know that you can’t keep a secret. Deb you too since we all know that all Uncle Justin would have to do is give you a Sunshine smile for you to spill your guts.” “Sweetie you know me too well but he might come seeking me out, if he does I'll try not to spill the beans but I won’t guarantee anything.” “Gus I would resent your accusation if I could possibly disagree with you. It would be nice if I could keep a secret just once but that's just a pipe dream.” “We do need to rush this though, which will make it more obvious as to what we're up to but Grandpa doesn’t have much time left. Thanks again for helping me guys. You all know how much I love you I’m sure but I’ll repeat it just to be sure. I love each and every one of you.” “Gus as much as you look like Brian there's no doubt that you're Justin’s son.” “Thanks Mikey.” *** “Hi Justin.” “Emmett what're you doing here?” “Can’t I take one of my best friends in all of the world out to lunch?” “Sure you can but you never have. What's up?” “Nothing is up honey, I was just in the neighborhood and decided what the hell I would take you out to lunch and find out how you are. I just don’t see you or Brian often enough.” “Emmett we just had dinner at our place Sunday, don’t you remember?” “Of course I remember Sunshine but that was the whole gang I meant I don’t see you alone very much. We can’t dish like we used to when the whole family's in the room.” “All right Em where do you want to eat? Let me call Brian and see if he wants to join us.” “No Justin don’t bother him, just you and me kid.” “OK Em.” “This is a wonderful restaurant Justin and so close to your office. Did I ever tell you how much I’ve regretted never going back to Hazelhurst and making things better? I certainly could've afforded to do it in the last 10 years but I just kept putting it off and then next thing you know it's too late. Oh well I guess I just put it off too long since there's no one there that I need to make up with.” “No Em you’ve never mentioned anything like that before. Why'd you bring it up today?” “I don’t know I just thought of it for some reason. You know me, I think of something and out of my mouth it comes. What're you going to have for dessert?” “Nothing Emmett I need to get back to work, thanks for lunch.” “Bye Justin we'll have to do this again soon.” “Sure Em. Good bye.” *** “Hi Mel, what brings you here?” “I came to see Gus, where is he?” “Gus took Katherine Christmas shopping.” “Well then I guess the two of us can have a talk. Have you updated your will lately?” “What? Why would you ask something like that?” “Just the lawyer in me I guess. I don’t know how many times over the years one of my clients has died without making sure that their will was up to date. Then it's too late to fix things the easy way. I try to tell people don’t put things off but most just keep putting things off.” “I’ll keep that in mind but didn’t we update my will in July?” “Did we, I guess my memory is failing me I could have sworn that it had been years since we did that, maybe it's Brian’s I’m thinking about?” “No you did Brian’s at the same time. Is something up Melanie?” “Nothing that I know about Justin. Well I suppose I better let you get back to whatever you were doing. Tell Gus I dropped by and that he could come by the house more often than he does.” *** “Hey Boy Wonder.” “Michael, what's going on?” “What do you mean Justin?” “When was the last time you called me Boy Wonder? When was the last time Emmett, Melanie, and you dropped in on me in a span of 2 days? Tell me Michael what the fuck is going on?” “Nothing the fuck is going on Justin. I was just walking down the street and saw you sitting in this coffee shop, I decided to stop and see how you're doing. Are you meeting someone you don’t want me to see? Are you cheating on Brian again? Doing so in the lobby of his building isn’t very smart though. Or has living with Brian all of these years finally made you paranoid?” “Michael, something's up and you know it. I also know that you aren’t going to tell me either. But how dare you suggest, even in jest, that I would cheat on Brian? You know how much that little incident hurt Brian and me so you know I would never do something like it again. I think that you'd better just keep on walking down the street.” “Justin, get a grip. Nothing's going on. I was just kidding, I’ve known for years that you and Brian are the perfect couple, even if I’ve not really wanted to admit it. Hell I probably knew it from the moment you entered all of our lives. But really I just saw you here and wanted to talk. Can we talk or do you really want me to just leave you to your thoughts?” “Sorry Michael, sit down and we can talk. It's suspicious though everyone suddenly wanting to talk to me.” “Justin I’m afraid that Brian is finally rubbing off on you. I would expect him to think something was up just because his friends want to talk but I never expected it of you. Anyways I’ve been thinking about how we really blew it when we threw away “Rage”. I ran across a copy of it the other day in the attic of the store. I know that at the time it would have been impossible for us to work together. I know that I really hurt you by going behind your back and telling Brian about what I had seen. I know now that I should've talked to you about seeing you kiss Ethan but at the time all I could see was that you were stabbing Brian in the back. I had to protect him though you would think that after 16 years of comforting Brian I would've known that I couldn’t protect him from the world. My job was to help him deal with what the world did to him. I never tried to protect him from his father just put him back together after the latest episode. I didn’t try to protect him from the Kip mess I just tried to make him forget his problems for a while. But I did put myself in where I shouldn’t have and I'm truly sorry that I hurt the two of you so much. Hell when I told Brian the earth shattering news that you were cheating on him he was flirting with some nameless trick. Anyway we should've figured out a way to bring “Rage” back after you and Brian got back together and I admitted to myself that you truly were the love of his life. I often think how much I regret not making that little admission of guilt back then. Just think we could've one of biggest comic book hits going if we'd made that little reconciliation back then.” “Michael it's been 20 years since that fateful night when I left Brian standing alone in Babylon and “Rage” died. Why would you ever think about it, I certainly don’t? When Brian and I got back together, thanks to Gus, the last thing I worried about was “Rage” so even if you had tried to start it back up I doubt I would've helped you. It took me years to get to the point where I could do more than just tolerate you as a part of Brian’s family. I’m sorry to tell you that Michael but I don’t regret for a minute that we never started “Rage” up again. That's a part of my life that I was very happy to forget about. As Brian has stated on an occasion or two, regrets are bullshit.” “Sorry you feel that way Justin, but I do regret that I caused so much pain between you and Brian and that I threw away something I had dreamed about my entire life because I was jealous of your relationship with Brian. It took me a long time to admit that to myself but it's true. You took from Brian what I had waited 16 years for him to give to me and I resented you for having the balls to do it. But Brian is wrong; regrets can point you in the right direction to make things right. We all have made decisions, that at the time were probably right, that outlive their usefulness and we have to be able to admit that they are no longer valid and regrets are a way to get to that point of realization. Well it was nice to talk with you; I’ll see you around. Bye Justin. Don’t forget to stop by and see Ma she's always telling me she doesn’t get enough Sunshine in her day anymore.” “Bye Michael, don’t worry I’ll go see Deb soon.” *** “Hi Lindsay, I see it's your turn.” “What? What do you mean Justin?” “Lets see Emmett saw me Tuesday at lunch, Melanie came by Tuesday afternoon after work, then Michael conveniently walked by where I was having a coffee break on Wednesday and you show up on Thursday. I’m not stupid Linds I actually can put 2 and 2 together and come up with 4.” “Justin I don’t know what you're talking about, what's so surprising that your friends come by to see you?” “Nothing except that 4 of you in 3 days, hasn’t happened before in 20 years so of course it's surprising. You can tell Gus that he's losing his touch. Then it's probably part of the plan that I figure out that ther's a plan going on. You can tell Gus to not plan on spending the night here, he can stay with you and Mel or with Katherine, I don’t care, but he knows that I don’t want anything to do with my father and he knows what the price is for trying to make me regret not making up with the bastard.” “Justin I really don’t know what you're talking about. I just thought I would stop and see you. Talk about whatever comes up. But if my dropping by bothers you I guess I’ll just go on home.” “Don’t mind me, I’ve been working on a new project that isn’t working out so I’ve been on edge for the last week or so, you can ask Brian. Well Lindsay what do you regret?” “Is that a trick question Justin? I regret a lot of things, I’m sure we all regret something in the past that at the time seemed like the right thing to do. I regret not pushing my art career but then I’ve enjoyed my years as a teacher. I regret that my parents were killed before they had time to really get to know Gus. But then they might never have been willing to be grandparents to him and that would've hurt him. I regret not having another child so that Gus could've had a sibling. But maybe he wouldn’t have been happy with a brother or sister.” “Lindsay you have to go now. I have to get back to work. Thank you for stopping by. Make sure to tell Gus to stay away from the house tonight. I don’t want to see him. Good bye.” “Justin what's the matter?” “Just go home Lindsay.” “Justin, what did I say?” “GET OUT!” *** RING RING “Gus.” “Hi Mom what's the matter?” “What do you mean?” “You sound upset. Did you see Uncle Justin today?” “Yes Gus I did and he knows that something's up. He told me to tell you that you know the price for trying to make him deal with his father and to not come home tonight. He was edgy the whole time I was there but at the end he almost physically threw me out of the house. I’ve never seen Justin act that way. Brian told us how Justin acted when he first moved into the Loft after he was bashed but I never saw him act with such unprovoked anger. Actually I’ve never seen Justin act like that with provocation. Be careful son I don’t want you having problems with Justin again. I really don’t know what I said that set him off though.” “What did you tell him that you regretted?” “Just that I regretted not pushing my art career, that my parents didn’t really act like grandparents to you before they were killed, and that I never had a younger sibling for you. I really don’t see how any of that would bother Justin so much. Maybe it was just that we pushed too hard about regrets.” “Don’t worry Mom I'll deal with Uncle Justin. Just make sure that my bed is findable just in case I do have to spend the night with you and Mama.” “Oh Gus you know that your room's exactly the way you left it the last time you spent the night.” “I know Mom but I have to pull your chain one in awhile, it keeps me in practice for pulling Dad and Uncle Justin’s chains. Good bye Mom.” “Bye Honey.” *** “Justin why are you just standing there staring into space?” “Am I Brian? What're you doing home so early?” “I’m not early Justin, what happened today?” “Lindsay dropped by and I almost physically threw her out of the house?” “What? What could Lindsay ever do to make you that angry?” “She was just here doing her part of Gus’ latest plan. I think I almost scared her though.” “Gus's running a plan, didn’t that boy learn his lesson?” “Yes he is and the family's going along with it so it has to be important. It was very clumsily done so Gus must want me to know what he's up to. Emmett, Mel, and Mikey told me things they have regretted not doing before it was too late. Then Lindsay came by to do her part but she unwittingly stepped on my toes. It's been so many years and yet it still hurts so much.” “What did she say?” “That she regretted not giving Gus a younger sibling.” “Justin you know that she doesn’t know anything?” “Yes I know that but it still hurt so much.” “Why're they telling you about their regrets?” “So that I'll admit to myself that I regret not making up with my Dad. Something bad must be happening or Gus wouldn’t risk pushing me to meet with Dad.” “Justin you have to do what's right for yourself. But maybe it's time for you to forgive him for whatever he said about me.” “What do you mean Brian?” “Justin we all know that you overreacted a couple of years ago when Gus had you meet your Dad at the Colonial. If the only thing he'd done were those that we know about you would've forgiven him years before since they were just about what he did to you. The fact that you hadn’t forgiven him meant that it had to do with Gus or me. Since you haven’t objected to Gus getting to know him then it has to be about something Craig said about me. We both know that it must be very important for Gus to risk alienating you again after the last time so forgive him already and go see him.” “I know that I should but I can’t. I know that he must be dying since that's the only thing that would make Gus risk pushing me. Brian, he wished that Hobbs had sprayed your brains all over that parking garage, I simply can never forgive him for that.” “Then don’t forgive him but then you can’t blame yourself for not making up with him before he dies. Just go and see him once, play it by ear from there. Gus believes in him so he really must want to make things right with you.” “I know all of that in my head but my heart still gets in the way. There's no way he can explain away wanting you dead so that I would come to my senses and come home. I'll think about it and I'll listen to what Gus has to say but I can’t promise anything. I hate the man but I still love my father.” “Justin I'll support you no matter what you decide to do. Gus'll support you no matter what you decide to do. Hell the whole family'll support you no matter what you decide to do. You just have to decide what's best for you.” “Brian why don’t we go engage in some mindless sexual behavior before Gus shows up trying to convince me to see my Dad. As long as we're involved in our favorite activities I don’t have to think about this problem.” “Justin Craig Taylor have I ever said no when it truly matters. Hell have I ever said no when you've offered me your perfect body?” *** “Well I see that the two of you have been busy while I’ve been out of the house.” “What does that mean Gus?” “Well Dad the only time you eat ice cream this late at night is after you've been physically active.” “Gus didn’t you get a message from your mother?” “Yes I did Uncle Justin and I know that you didn’t mean it. We have to talk as you full well know.” “Well then I guess I better let the two of you have some privacy.” “Brian you don’t have to leave, after all you know as well as I do what he's going to tell me.” “Sure Dad you can stay, it involves you.” “Besides Brian I'll be able to stay calmer with you in the room. After all of these years just thinking about my Dad drives me batty.” “Uncle Justin, it's obvious that you've figured everything out, do I need to actually say the words?” “Yes Gus you do. Even though I’m 99.9% sure what you're going to say there still is that slight chance that I’m wrong. I‘m hoping that I‘m wrong for many reasons.” “I’m sorry but you're right, Grandpa is dying and you have only a few months to make up with him or lose your chance forever. Uncle Justin he truly regrets what he did all of those years ago. He truly wants to have you in his life so that he can try to make up for throwing you away. He fully admits that he was horribly wrong about you and Dad. Uncle Justin I knew that the plan would end up with me having to tell you that your father has only months to live but I knew that I had to run the plan just so that you would have some time to think about meeting with him instead of just saying no off hand. We all know that you'll regret it forever if you don’t at least try to make amends with Grandpa before he dies. But I'm curious why you got so mad at Mom.” “I don’t really know why I got so mad Gus she just stepped on an old wound. There're times when I hate it that you know me so well. Then I turn around and think how proud I am that you know me so well. You're right that if you had just asked me to see Dad I would have said no without thinking. Your so obvious plan, tell the gang they did their parts perfectly, made me think about it. I don’t want to see him Gus, you know why. I’m sorry that he's dying but I don’t want to see him. He hurt me so much when he wished Brian dead so I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to see him Gus, I don’t want to see him but I'll see him. I'll give him a chance, set up a meeting but don’t expect too much from it. “That's all anyone can ask. Listen to what he has to say. Decide what you want to do on what he says not on the fact that he's dying. Whatever you decide to do, you know that I love you Uncle Justin and that I always will.” “Gus, I hope things work out but I’m not going to count on it. Dad hurt me so many ways back then I just don’t know if I can get past 20 years of disappointment.” *** “Brian did I just agree to talk to my father? Did I actually agree to try to forgive him? Did I lose my mind?” “No Sunshine you haven’t lost your mind. You're going to do what you should have done years and years ago. Do exactly what Gus said, listen to your Dad and then decide if he's sincere. I never had a good relationship with my Dad but it did make it easier on me after his death that I had at least tried to reach out to him in the last months. I'll support you no matter what you decide to do. I love you Justin so no matter what you decide I'll be there. “I know all of that Brian, I have to see him and I have to forgive him, he's dying but I just don’t know if I can do it. Why don’t we go back to bed and have some character building sex.” “Have I ever said no to you when it truly matters?” *** RING RING “Hi Grandpa, this's Gus.” “Hello Gus, why're you calling so late?” “I just wanted to know when would be a good time for Uncle Justin to come and see you.” “Gus what's up? Why would Justin want to see me?” “I finally got him to the point where he's willing to try. So when's a good time?” “Gus what aren’t you telling me?” “Grandpa he knows. Grandma told me and asked me to run a plan so that Uncle Justin would be willing to try to make up with you before it was too late. I’m so sorry that you're dying. Uncle Justin wants to make up with you but he still is so hurt by what you said about Dad.” “Gus I’ve lived the life I led and I've made my peace with everyone in my life except Justin. So if you've gotten him to the point where he'll at least try then I'll do my best to ease his pain. You don’t know how many times I’ve wished that I could take back those idiotic comments and actions that I made to and about Justin and your Dad. Once I finally realized how stupid I'd been I was too afraid to try to make up with Justin and I let way too many years go by. Once I finally got the courage to try he was so angry when he saw us together that you almost ruined your relationship with him. I told you at the time I wouldn’t do anything to hurt your relationship with Justin and I meant it. If you're sure that Justin really wants to give me a chance and isn’t just feeling sorry for me then tell him to come anytime he wants.” “Of course he feels sorry but that isn’t the reason he agreed to see you. I imagine he'll be by in the next couple of days, if not tomorrow. Good luck grandpa.” “Good bye Gus, thank you for everything you've done for me. I only wish that you'd been in my life longer than you have been. I only wish I hadn’t been such an idiot.” *** “Hi Dad.” “Justin.” “Well now that that is over with I guess we can get to the heart of the matter.” “Son, how can I ever apologize for what I’ve put you through? First for the idiotic things I said and did so long ago and then for being too cowardly to face you and beg for your forgiveness.” “I want to know why my being gay caused you to forget everything that we'd done before then. I thought we'd loved each other. I thought you were the perfect Dad and then when I disappointed you in who I was you threw me away. How could you forget all of the years before I met Brian and fell in love?” “Justin, all I can say is that I was trying to protect you from a man that I decided was a monster.” “Dad how can you say that; how could you believe something like that. You didn’t even know Brian.” “Justin, when your mother told me that you were gay and actually doing sexual things with others I didn’t want to believe it. I assumed that you were fooling around with a boy your age, and then your mother told me that it was a man, that threw me for a loop. Not only was my little boy changing into a man that I couldn’t understand he was doing things I couldn’t understand with a grown man. That he was letting a grown man do horrible things to him and loving that man for doing those horrible things. I just couldn’t buy the idea that a grown man would have any real interests in a little boy. I might have known that you were almost 18 but in my heart you were still the little boy that I loved and cared for all of those years. Your mother had told me Brian’s name so I managed to find his number and called it. He obviously thought I was some trick because he started spouting filth about what he was going to do to me without giving me the chance to say a word. All I could think of was what this monster wanted to do to my little boy. I had to stop him from hurting you. I have to admit that I was more worried about the physical harm than emotional harm but that came to me later. So I rammed his jeep with my car, instead of you coming to your senses and realizing that being with that man could be dangerous you ran back to him. Then I followed you one night when you went to that gay bar to meet up with him. So when you came out of the bar I waited until his friends had left and I tried to beat sense into him. I wanted him to drop you since you would cost more than he wanted to pay. I believed that he just wanted you for your body and wouldn’t be willing to keep messing with you if it cost him pain. That certainly was proven wrong. When you chose to stay with him instead of coming home I was just speechless. Then I had to go home and tell your mother what I had done. By then it had changed from me trying to protect you from yourself to me justifying my actions. After that night it wasn’t about you it was about me. How would my friends and business associates think about me if they knew I had a gay son and that I was OK with that fact? So I started convincing myself that you were totally wrong and I was totally right and that when you came to your senses you would come home and all would be forgiven. When your mother and Brian concocted that little scene at the house I could've just bent a little bit and you would've been back home but all I could think of was what would people think if they found out I had let some child-molesting faggot tell me how to run my family. I couldn’t let my friends know that I let some grown man fuck my son. So I spouted off on the rules you would have to live by. I never thought that Brian would actually let you go with him; I figured he would just wash his hands of you. So when he offered and you left I was just speechless, your mother, of course, wasn’t speechless and that started her on to the path of thinking that our marriage was dead. Obviously we had problems before all of this started but my inability to accept you as who you were was one item too many. I kept telling myself that I was doing it for you. I was trying to protect you from yourself. I told myself that if you stayed with Brian you would never have a wife, a family, and a normal life. Justin why are you laughing so hard?” “Well Dad it's funny that you worried about me having a family. If I'd been the straightest boy in all of Pittsburgh you wouldn’t have gotten any grandchildren from me. No matter how many women I fucked; no children for Justin Craig Taylor.” “What's that supposed to mean?” “Dad I'm so sterile I could set the new zero for sterility.” “How would you know something like that?” “Well Dad’ I’ve fucked Brian at least once a week for over 20 years and he's never gotten pregnant. Of course he's fucked me at least ten times as often as I’ve fucked him and I’ve never gotten pregnant either so he must be sterile too, but how do we explain away Gus?” “Justin you know I didn’t mean anything like that.” “I just couldn’t help myself Dad. I know I’m sterile because I tried to have a child so that Gus could have a younger sibling and Brian and I could raise a child of our own.” “When did you try this?” “January 2007. After I graduated from PIFA I got a job as an illustrator for a firm downtown and I was selling enough artwork that I finally had the ability to pay my share of the household expenses, not that Brian ever let me think that he resented paying for anything, and putting money into the bank. Gus had started Kindergarten in September and had made all of us so proud when he ran into an instance of homophobia that I started thinking that he needed a little brother or sister. I also wanted a child of my own that I could raise with Brian. I started talking to Daphne and I finally convinced her to be a surrogate mother for me. We would go to a clinic; she would be artificially inseminated and after the birth would sign her rights to the child over to Brian. In January, after the holidays, we started the ball rolling, pretty much the first thing they do is check for fertility of the interested parties. Daphne was in perfect health and would've had no problems getting pregnant and carrying the child. I on the other hand turned out to be totally sterile, not a single viable sperm cell in the several samples they ended up checking. The doctor didn’t know whether my sterility was because of some illness I had as a child or if I was simply born sterile but either way I was never going to be able to father children of my own. Gus has been a godsend to me ever since the doctor told me that little fact, not that he wasn’t before. Brian, Daphne, and I are the only ones to know about this so I would appreciate it if you don‘t tell anyone.” “Justin I’m sorry to hear that. But you making me a grandfather was never a big part of my problem. I still had a problem with you not leading a so-called normal life. Of course I knew deep down that all of my explanations were just cover-ups for my real thinking. I just didn’t want to have to admit to my friends that my son was queer. I just didn’t want to admit that fact, that I could have a child that wasn’t perfect. I can never expect you to forgive me for my stupidity just accept that I’ve acknowledged it and moved on from it. My biggest shame though is the fact that even after I finally realized how I had been so wrong about everything I didn’t have the courage to actually contact you and try to get you back into my life. So I let time pass and every year it got a little easier to tell myself that I didn’t deserve to have you in my life.” “What finally made you change your mind about me?” “A painting of yours that I stumbled across at a little gallery downtown.” “How did a painting of mine change your view of my hideous lifestyle?” “I had taken a client to dinner and on the way back to the office we passed by the gallery, the client said something to the effect that he always liked to check out local art wherever he happened to run into it and would I mind taking some time to look around. He was the client so I certainly wasn’t going to say no. We walked in and I immediately saw this painting, on the far wall, that just mesmerized me. It was of a father and son walking away from the front yet still looking back. I just couldn’t help myself and walked across the room to get a closer look, I think it brought back memories of when you were a little boy. While neither face is directly in view I recognized Brian’s profile even before I saw that the painting was signed JUSTIN. I hadn’t seen him in years and had only seen him a few times but there was no doubt who he was, so of course I knew the boy was Gus. Molly had let enough slip about her ‘baby brother’ that I resented the fact that you had a son but I didn’t have a grandson. It was so obvious that the man loved his son and since I knew who had painted the picture I also could tell how much the painter loved the man and boy. It suddenly just came to me that you and Brian were in love and had a family. A family that I could've had in my life if I hadn’t been such a prejudiced idiot. It was obvious that Brian wasn’t the monster I always thought he was, a monster like that wouldn’t love his son and wouldn’t inspire anyone to paint such a wonderful piece of artwork. The client was impressed as well but said that it simply wasn’t the right size for the space he had available otherwise he would've bought it on the spot. We went on our way but I couldn’t get that painting out of my head and everything that it told me about you. I should've called you that night and asked for your forgiveness but I simply didn’t have the courage to do it. Within a week I had returned to the gallery and bought the painting, the first of several JUSTIN paintings I’ve acquired over the years. Actually I sent an office lackey to buy the painting so that my name wouldn’t be attached to the sale so that you wouldn’t know I bought it. Another in a long line of cowardly actions on my part regarding you. I had the painting placed on the wall behind my desk at my office. Over the years it's gotten a huge number of comments by clients, usually they asked me who the man and boy were. Many time I wanted to tell the truth, that it was a painting by my son of his lover and their son but again I never had the courage. Justin I truly regret everything I did and said to you and Brian but most of all I regret that I didn’t have the courage to make things better between us once I finally realized how wrong I'd been. As I told Gus I’ve followed your career ever since and I've been very proud of you and your accomplishments, but then I never had the courage to actually tell anyone else about you or them. I'd decided to leave Gus the painting in my will but I think that I'll just give it to him for Christmas. I have to thank you Justin for letting me develop a relationship with Gus. He's an amazing young man and you and Brian and his mothers have done a wonderful job raising him. I’m sure that he and Katherine'll be good parents and that you'll have grandchildren before you know it. I probably regret that the most about my illness that I'll never know Gus’ children. Well Justin say something.” “Dad, I told Gus that I didn’t want to come here, and I really didn’t want to come here. You hurt me so much but what kept us apart all of these years wasn’t you throwing me away or not coming to see me in the hospital when I was bashed. What kept me out of your life was your hateful comment about wishing that Chris Hobbs had splashed Brian’s brain on the parking garage floor. I can never forgive you for that comment. I simply can’t forgive that but I can overlook it for a few months. I want my Daddy back and I think that you really do want me back as well. So we'll try for whatever time you have left. I should've tried to talk to you after the horrible time when Gus tried to get us back together but I was so ashamed about how I behaved towards Gus that I just wanted to forget the whole incident. It'll make everyone in the Taylor family happy if we're father and son again, hell even Brian'll be happy if I‘m happy. Brian and I are hosting the family Christmas dinner this year and everyone will be there and I mean everyone. Why don’t you come to a Christmas Eve supper, we can have a smaller guest list and that will lessen the stress than if you were to come to the big doings? Just me and Brian, Gus and Katherine, you and Mom, how does that sound for a first dip into the Kinney-Taylor household?” “It sounds fine but do you think Brian'll go along, after all he has a lot of reasons to dislike me?” “Brian'll do pretty much anything if he thinks it'll make me happy. I think that he would jump into the Ohio River on New Years Day if I asked him to do it with a Sunshine smile on my face.”