AUGUST 2019 Gus Remembers As I was unpacking the last box of my school supplies I found a letter addressed to me in Uncle Justin's handwriting. I haven't had the courage to open it yet. I'm afraid of what he has to say to me. I'm afraid that he never wants to see me again. I'm afraid that I ruined all of the good that I accomplished at the Prom last spring. I'm afraid to read the words where he denounces me as a stupid fuckup interfering where I shouldn't have stuck my nose. I'm just afraid that when I read it I'll no longer have two Dads. I'm afraid that Dad'll choose Uncle Justin over me and I won't have either Dad, and why shouldn't he choose Uncle Justin over me. Uncle Justin has never made such a fool of himself. Today was supposed to be a day of fun and new experiences. Today I moved to State College to start my college career at Penn State University. We had planned for this day all summer. I was going to drive my graduation present, Dad's last Jeep, while Dad and Uncle Justin followed in the new Jeep. The plan had been for the three of us to move my stuff into my dorm room and then to explore the campus. While Dad hadn't been on campus often, since he'd graduated, he thought he would be able to act as tour guide for Uncle Justin and I. After the tour we would eat at the finest restaurant in the city and then go to a movie. Then I would return to my room while Dad and Uncle Justin would spend the night at the finest hotel in State College. No one has ever claimed that Dad doesn't live his life in the lap of luxury when it is appropriate. Then tomorrow we would get together to explore State College and the surrounding area before Dad and Uncle Justin return to Pittsburgh on Sunday. Monday I would start my college career. None of this happened because I tried to run another one of my famous plans. Dad told me back when I ran the plan that got him and his mother back together, as mother and son, that someday I would run a plan that would fail and I'd have to deal with the consequences of the failure. Boy did he know what he was talking about. My latest plan, to get Uncle Justin and his father Craig back together, blew up in my face like "The Coyote" trying to use a firecracker to catch "The Roadrunner." Instead of the 3 of us touring the Penn State campus I spent the afternoon, after I moved into the dorms, moping in my room. Dad and Uncle Justin are still in Pittsburgh. Uncle Justin hasn't spoken to me in over a week. I can't remember a day before, the blowup, where Uncle Justin and I didn't talk if we were in the same city, let alone in the same house. Since I started High School I spent most nights at my Dads' house instead of my mothers' house. But a week ago Dad asked me to stay with Mom and Mama until I left for State College since Uncle Justin was too uncomfortable to have me in the house. How in the world could I hurt him so much that he didn't even want to see me? The idea that Uncle Justin hates me hurts so much that I can't stand it. I know that Dad told me that Uncle Justin doesn't hate me. That he doesn't even blame me. But if he doesn't hate me why wouldn't he at least see me off when I left this morning. I was just trying to make someone in my family happy. I got grandmom and Dad back together and they were both much happier up until the day she died. When I found out that Craig Taylor wanted to get back into Uncle Justin's life I had to try. I just had to. I'd no idea that Uncle Justin would freak at the mere sight of his father. I should've known that he wouldn't want to see his father. I should've known. Brian remembers Why aren't we in State College right now? Why aren't we making love after a beautiful day spent showing our son the wonders of the Penn State campus? Why didn't we eat at the finest restaurant in State College? Why didn't we watch the latest Hollywood extravaganza? Why am I here alone in my own home while the love of my life is sulking in the spare bedroom? How could Gus make such a horrible mistake? How could Justin take such a simple gesture of love so wrong? Why can't I solve this problem? How could Craig Taylor screw up our lives again when he was trying to do the right thing for the first time in 20 years? How can I get the two most important people in my life to talk to one another again? How can I make Gus realize that Justin doesn't hate him? I told him that but I could tell he didn't believe me. How can I get Justin to forgive himself for overreacting to such a simple mistake? How can I go back in time and make it better? Justin remembers How could I overreact so badly? How could I scare Gus so much? The boy was only trying to make me happy. Didn't I teach him to do things like that? How could I make Brian so miserable? How can I put all of my family in the middle? How could I act so stupid? How could I let a man who hasn't been in my life for almost 20 years ruin my life? How can I, at 36, still want my Daddy to make everything better? How can I hate my father so much that I have risked the love of my partner and son? How can I have screwed everything up so badly? I'm the sensible one of the family. I'm the one who makes everyone happy. I'm the one who always sees both sides of a problem. Why couldn't I speak to Gus and tell him the truth? Why couldn't I tell Gus or Brian why seeing my Dad was such a shock? Why couldn't I bear to even see my wonderful son? How could I hurt him so much by not even telling him goodbye when he went off to college? One of the biggest days of his life and I couldn't even be there for him. Why was I such a coward that all I could do was sneak a letter into his school supplies? Why was I such a wimp that I had to get Brian to take the box of supplies over to Mel and Lindsay's instead of taking it myself? Why can't I summon the courage to tell Brian why I have acted so badly? Why can't I summon the courage to call Gus and tell him the truth? How could I let him leave Pittsburgh thinking that I don't love him anymore? Why can't I tell them that I'm so sorry I screwed up? Gus remembers Last spring I ran the finishing touches to my plan to get my Dads happy post Prom memories to replace the horrible ones they had from when Uncle Justin was bashed at his High School Prom. It had worked out so great. They both had a wonderful time at the Prom and at home afterwards. Somehow my little scheme and its results made it into the local gay paper. Somehow Craig Taylor read the story. Actually I was to find out that he had followed everything about Uncle Justin's life from the day that he had realized what he had thrown away when he threw Uncle Justin out of his life. But for almost 15 years he never tried to contact Uncle Justin or let anyone know that he wanted to get back in Uncle Justin's life. Then he read the story about the Prom. Then he mentioned to Daphne's parents that he really missed having his son in his life. He told them how much he regretted his actions all of those years ago and how much he regretted not trying to get back into his son's life once he realized how mistaken he had been. Of course the next time Daphne came home to Pittsburgh her parents told her what Craig had told them. So when I honored my promise to Daphne and told her how my Prom plan had worked out she mentioned to me what her parents had told her about Craig Taylor. A light bulb immediately went off in my head. If Mr. Taylor wanted to get back into Uncle Justin's life then I was the do-gooder who would accomplish that goal. It had worked with my grandmom and Dad so I never even thought that it wouldn't work with Uncle Justin and his Dad. How could I have been so naive? I should have known that it wouldn't work? I should have known that shouldn't I? How could I not know how much I was going to hurt Uncle Justin? I should have known that the two situations were different. Dad would never have gotten back with his mother since he doesn't try to fix things but just goes on with his life. Uncle Justin on the other hand always tries to fix things. I should have known that if Uncle Justin hadn't tried to fix his relationship with his father in almost 20 years that it wasn't fixable. But no I just bullheaded my way into disaster. Uncle Justin you have to forgive me. I can't be happy without you in my life. I can't make Dad choose between us. I can't face the fact that I would lose if he had to make that choice. Why didn't I think about what I was doing before I did it? Brian remembers Why didn't I make Justin work things out with his father years ago? Why didn't I make Justin realize that his father was dead to him? If I had done either of those then Justin wouldn't have fallen so low when he ran into his father at that restaurant? Why wasn't I able to make Gus think twice about running his plans? Why didn't I ever make it clear to Gus that Craig was something that he should never bring up to Justin? Why can't I get through to Gus that Justin doesn't hate him? Why can't I get through to Justin how much he is hurting Gus? Why don't I just go find Craig and beat the living crap out of him for hurting the two most important people in my life? Why have I failed the two most important people in my life when they so desperately need me to get through this horrible time in their lives? Why did Gus think he could solve everyone's problems with no price to pay? Why is Justin acting like such a twat? Why can't I make Justin feel better? I know that he is totally miserable and he just can't fight his way back to normalcy. Why can't I help him like he has helped me so many times in the past? Why did this have to happen? Why haven't I been able to help Gus and Justin get past this mess? Justin remembers Why did just seeing my Dad with Gus and Katherine send me into such downward spiral? Why did I automatically think that he was using Gus to hurt me again? Why didn't I just sit down and ask him what he was doing sitting at the same table as my son? Why didn't I sit down and ask why he was being so friendly with the son of two sexual monsters? Why didn't I just sit down and ask him what he wanted? Why didn't I try to make up with him years ago? Why have I let his rejection of me simmer under my skin all of these years? Why didn't I listen to Brian and exorcise him from my life? Why have I been in pain anytime I remember the good times between us before I decided that I had to be me and went to Liberty Avenue looking for my destiny? Why did I let his mere presence send me into a horrible situation that I don't know how to get out of? How could I let a man who threw me out of his life, and made horrible comments about the love of my life affect me in this way? How can I still love this man who made it so obvious that I was worse than dog shit on his shoes just because the person I love most in this world is another man? Why did I let this man who wanted nothing to do with me for almost 20 years ruin one of the most important days of my son's life? Why haven't I had the courage to talk to Gus after Brian set me straight on what happened at the restaurant? Why am I sitting in the spare bedroom on a glorious Saturday night acting like a twat? Why aren't we in State College doing what we had planned on doing all summer? Gus remembers Why did Katherine agree to help me with plan? Why didn't she make me think twice about what I was planning to do? Why am I trying to blame her for my actions? Why did I think that surprising Uncle Justin with his Dad was a sensible thing to do? Why didn't I just tell Uncle Justin that his Dad would like to talk to him about healing the rift between them? Why did I have to do one of my plans? Why didn't I listen to Dad when he told me a plan would misfire someday? This plan should have been obvious as the one that wouldn't work. What good is it doing me to just sit here and mope? I should open this letter and get it over with. I just can't bring up the courage to open a letter that is going to make official the fact that I have destroyed my life. How pathetic is that? I'm sure glad my roommate hasn't gotten here yet. It would be so embarrassing to have him here seeing me just staring at this envelope. I remember the conversation that started this disaster. "Hello, Mr. Taylor, this is Gus Peterson-Marcus." "Should I know you?" "No but I know your son, Justin." "How do you know Justin, is there a problem with him?" "Uncle Justin is fine. My Dad, Brian Kinney, is his lover and I consider Uncle Justin to be my other Dad, he has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember." "What do you want young man? You have to know that I have had nothing to do with Justin since he took up with your father so many years ago against my expressed desires. He made his choice then and I have respected it since." "Yes I know that you and Uncle Justin haven't had any contact in pretty much my entire lifetime but I heard that you are interested in getting back in touch with Uncle Justin." "So you are telling me that you will help me get back into the life of my son?" "Only if I'm sure that you genuinely want to be a part of his life again knowing that my Dad is a part of that life." "Yes Gus I want my son in my life. You can't know how much I have regretted my stupidity in throwing him out of my life. It took too long but I eventually admitted to myself how wrong I was to condemn him for being who he was born to be. I have also regretted being afraid to contact him to make amends." "Could we meet somewhere?" "Anyplace or time you can meet is fine with me. I've wasted too many years. If it is at all possible I need to make it up to Justin." "Then we can meet tomorrow at 3 at the Northwest branch of the Pittsburgh Public Library. I'll be at the front desk with my girlfriend and I've been told all my life that I look like my Dad but with blond hair." "I'll be there, and thank you Gus for giving me this chance. I probably don't deserve the chance but I'll take it." "See you tomorrow Mr. Taylor." "Goodbye Gus and thank you again." Brian remembers I should have known something was up. Gus had the air of being up to something but I just put it off as his excitement over being so close to heading off to school. I know that he had been looking forward all summer to getting to be on his own for the first time in his life. There had to be times when he wished that he didn't have four parents. I know that he was looking forward to the days that Justin and I were planning on spending with him in State College. I should have known that he was planning something. Maybe I could have found out what he was up to and stopped it before disaster struck. Craig should have known better. Craig should have known that surprising Justin was the wrong way to go about getting back into Justin's life. I'm just assuming that Craig knew that it was a surprise. Did Gus tell Craig that it was a surprise meeting? Was Gus that foolish? No wonder Gus feels so bad. Gus should have known better. But when Gus or Justin get into that make someone happy mode they don't think about what can go wrong, just how happy everyone is going to be. Gus should have known better. I should have gotten through to him that he would fail someday. I should have known Gus was up to something. I should have been able to stop it before it happened. I should have known. Justin remembers Why didn't I figure out that Gus was up to something? Why didn't it set off warning bells when he invited me to that restaurant? Gus couldn't afford to eat at that restaurant. Why did Gus think there was any chance of my father and I being able to be in the same room without something bad happening? Why didn't Gus figure out that if I hadn't fixed things between my father and me in almost 20 years that I didn't want to fix things? Gus knows that I'm the champion fixer upper of strained relationships. Gus should have known that my relationship with my father wasn't fixable or I would have fixed it years ago. Gus should have known better. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I should have acted like the 36-year-old adult that I am not like the 17-year-old child that stormed out of the restaurant without saying anything civil to anyone at that table. Why am I acting like such a stupid little faggot? Gus remembers Katherine and I met with Mr. Taylor at the Library on Tuesday. "Thank you for coming Mr. Taylor." "No problem young man and who is this lovely lady?" "This is Katherine Napoli. She has agreed to help me with getting you and Uncle Justin together." "Do you really think that Justin'll speak to me? Or just listen to me long enough for me to apologize. I hurt him so badly. I should have done something years ago but I was too proud to admit that I was wrong to throw him out of my life. I'm ashamed to admit that I blamed your father completely. I couldn`t have a queer son. Somebody had to corrupt him. How could I have been so stupid? Even when Justin was so close to dying I couldn`t swallow my pride enough to come to the hospital and see how he was doing. Even the last time I saw him I had to insult him and your father. Gus why do you think he'll be willing to see me?" "Uncle Justin is the best person I know. If he sees that you are truly sorry and want to work things out then he'll do his part. Uncle Justin is the most sympathetic person I know. While he has never said anything to me about you I know from things Grandma Jenn and Molly have said that he regrets not having you in his life. We just have to figure out how to get you in the same place at the same time and then it will work out from there." "Gus I have to admit that I knew who you were when you called." "What do you mean?" "When I finally realized how wrong I had been regarding Justin I started following his life. While I never had the courage to contact him and try to make up for my actions I could keep track of his life and be proud of what he has accomplished. He has accomplished a lot in his life too. One of his greatest accomplishments is you Gus. He has been successful in business, and in the art world as well. I have bought several pieces of his artwork over the years. I just regret that I haven't been a part of his life and thus a part of yours. Jenn and Molly have let enough slip about you over the years that I been jealous of their relationships with you. Jenn had a grandson that I didn't have and Molly had the baby brother she always wanted. Well we had better make our final plans. Gus I would like to get to know you better no matter how things turn out with Justin." "Well things are going to turn out fine so I guess you have gained a grandson Mr. Taylor." "Well then I guess you had better call me grandpa." "Sure grandpa. I think that the best plan would be for me and Katherine to ask Uncle Justin to join us for one last dinner out on the town before I have to leave for State College a week from Friday. You can just be there with us when he arrives, then we`ll play it by ear after that." "What restaurant then?" "One where you will be comfortable." "The Colonial is one of my favorites. I'll make reservations for 1 tomorrow for four. I'll see you there then Gus. Good afternoon Katherine." "Goodbye grandpa." Brian remembers I should have realized something was up at supper when Gus and Katherine invited Justin to have dinner at the Colonial for a final time out on the town before Gus left for State College, especially when they didn't invite me. I shouldn't have bought the explanation that they wanted to have a date with Justin one day and me the next week. I should have known that the boy was up to one of his plans. I should have known that Gus couldn't afford the Colonial. I should have been able to figure out that disaster was looming over all of our heads. I should have handled the disaster better when it happened. I should have done better. Justin remembers I should have known that Gus couldn't afford the Colonial. I should have smelled a rotten fish when Gus and Katherine came up with the lame excuse of inviting me out one day and Brian on another day. I was just so happy that Gus wanted to spend one more special meal with me before he left for college. I just thought of all the happy meals we had spent together. I had so enjoyed teaching him how to cook. I had so enjoyed talking to him about his day at school over whatever meal we were eating. I remember his look of disbelief when I told him the story behind homemade Jambalaya when he was 15. Why did I have to act so stupidly that I have put our relationship on such thin ice? Why can't I tell him that I still love him as much as I ever have? That I want him in my life just like always. I just hope he reads the letter and doesn't just throw it away unopened. Why couldn't I just have gone over to Mel and Lindsay's and brought him home and talked everything out? Why have I been such a coward? Will I ever see my son again? Have I blown it forever? Have I lost my son and blown any chance of getting my father back in my life as well? Why have I been so stupid? Why have I been such a coward? Gus remembers Uncle Justin agreed to meet us at the Colonial at one. It surprised me that he didn't question the choice of a restaurant I couldn't afford. I couldn't believe that I didn't think about the problem of Dad wanting to know why he wasn't invited to this special dinner. I had to thank Katherine later for her quick thinking in coming up with the idea that we would have a special dinner with just him the next week. When such obvious things don't make a plan backfire then that is usually a sign that the plan is destined to work out perfectly. So much for that stupid banality it proved to be about as true as 2 + 2 = 5. A plan couldn't blow up more than this one blew up. Uncle Justin won't speak to me or be in the same house with me. Grandpa has lost another chance to make up with Uncle Justin. Dad is caught in the middle trying to make everyone feel better. Mom and Mama don't know what to say to anyone. That is driving Mama crazy. I've ruined one of the most important relationships in my life and I'm risking the other one as well since Dad is bound to choose Uncle Justin over me when it finally boils down to the point where he has to choose. Grandma Jenn and Molly are mad at grandpa for going along with my stupid plan. Deb is so horrified that I hurt her Sunshine so badly that she hardly spoke to me when I was working my last shifts at the diner. I'm sitting in my dorm room, on the first night of my life living on my own, instead of going out on the town with the other guys on the floor. Everyone in my family is miserable because I tried to make Uncle Justin happy by getting him back with his father. Why did I think I could fix something that was obviously destined to not be fixed? Why was I so stupid? Why didn't I see the obvious? Brian remembers This was supposed to be one of the best times in our lives as a family. We were supposed to be in State College helping Gus settle in to his new life experience of living on his own. We were going to make his transition to living on his own as smooth as possible. Instead his transition is worse than mine was and I didn't think that was possible. While I was put on a bus and sent off to the unknown with just enough money in my pocket to survive long enough to find a job and then until the first paycheck. I was getting what I wanted. I wanted out of that house and to be on my own. Gus is on his own in the middle of a family crisis. He thinks that the most important man in his life no longer loves him. I may be vain but I know that Gus and Justin have always been closer than Gus and I. I know that Gus is just sitting in his room feeling miserable instead of having a night out with the other guys on his floor. I wish that I had been able to get through to him that Justin is disappointed in himself not with Gus. I wish that I could get through to Justin that we forgive him for acting human for once. Instead of Justin and I spending the night in joyful bliss in State College and Gus getting to know his floor mates and how to have a good time while going to school we're all miserable. Gus is sitting alone in his room trying to figure out where everything went wrong. Justin is sitting in the spare bedroom trying to figure out where everything went wrong. I'm wandering around the house trying to figure out if it would do anyone any good if I were to go hunt Craig Taylor up and beat the snot out of him. To be fair Craig is probably miserable blaming himself for being so stupid as to go along with Gus' plan. It is just a miserable night for everyone involved. Why can't I make things better for those I love? Justin remembers Why am I sitting in this room all alone? I've done what I've done and nothing will take it back. Gus is miserable thinking that he has disappointed me for the first time in his life. Brian is miserable because he hasn't been able to get me out of my funk. I'm miserable because I've been such a complete fool. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions based on nothing more than seeing my Dad sitting at a table with my son. I should just get up from this chair; go find Brian and let him fuck me silly. Sex always solved most of our problems why shouldn't it solve this one. Besides we haven't had sex since this whole mess started, he is probably about to explode. Even when I'm acting like a complete twat I know that Brian loves me. I have put him into a terrible position, he has to support me but then I have been such a complete ass towards Gus and he has to stand up for his son. I'm tearing this family apart because I'm such a chicken shit coward. I heard Katherine tell Brian that Deb has been insufferable to Gus. Doesn't Deb know that I'm the one at fault not Gus? Sometimes storm clouds cover up the sunshine? I have to get on with my life. I have to hope that Gus'll read the letter and forgive me. I have to believe that things will get back to normal because if they don't I'll never be able to forgive myself for ruining our family because I was such a stupid childish twat. I have to go find Brian and make him believe that things are getting back to normal. I have to get him in bed and in me so that things can start to get back to normal. Things have to get back to normal. Gus has to read that letter and he has to believe what I wrote and he has to forgive me. But I have to stand up and go find Brian. I have to stand up and go find Brian. Gus remembers Katherine and I were early for the reservation at the Colonial but grandpa joined us in a few minutes. We were sitting at the table waiting for the waiter to bring our drinks when Uncle Justin arrived. The maitre'd brought Uncle Justin to the table. Luckily grandpa had thought to make the reservation in my name. Uncle Justin looked at the three of us, got the strangest look on his face and then all hell broke loose. I don't know if I had ever heard him use such language. "You fucking bastard what the god damn hell are you doing sitting at a table with my son? What the fuck are you trying to accomplish? Gus how could this bastard fool you. Special dinner my fucking ass. Well Dad I'm still a fucking queer; you still have a fucking queer for a son. You don't even want to think about how many times I've been fucked since you threw me away for being a fucking queer. Gus how could you trick me into meeting with this fucking bastard. How could you let this god damn son of a bitch fool you into tricking me into coming here. Gus how could you disappoint me so god damn fucking much." Then he turned on his heel and stormed out. The entire dining room was completely silent. The Colonial probably had never heard such a diatribe with such foul language. I never in a million years thought that Uncle Justin would react in such a manner. I just sat there in disbelief. Then it sank in Uncle Justin was totally disgusted with me for tricking him into meeting with his father. He was so angry with me that he didn't even give me a chance to explain. He just stormed away as fast as he could. How was I going to explain to Dad what I had done? "Gus I'm so sorry that happened. I should have known better. I should have met with him on my own. God knows he had reason to talk to me like that but he shouldn't have included you that was my fault. Well I guess I have my answer, through my own stupidity and cowardice I truly threw a perfect son away. Gus don't worry about it. Justin'll get over it soon enough, he won't blame you once you explain that you weren't trying to trick him. Tell him that I won't bother him ever again. Tell him how sorry I'm that I was such an idiot all those years ago. Good luck at Penn State. If you ever need anything from me feel free to ask. Katherine I think you probably better drive, Gus looks pretty shell shocked." "Don't worry Mr. Taylor I'll get him home. Come on Gus we had better get going. We're going to have to explain to your Dad what has happened." How could I have been so stupid? How could I not know that Uncle Justin was going to be upset? But there is no way I would have ever expected Uncle Justin to act so totally out of character. Grandpa must have hurt him even more than any of us ever guessed. How could I have been so stupid? Why didn't I see the obvious? Why did I let my expectations cloud my view of reality? Brian remembers I knew that something had gone wrong when Justin's assistant called Cynthia to find out if she knew why Justin hadn't come back from dinner. Cynthia had immediately buzzed me to find out if I knew anything. Justin never missed a meeting. Justin was never late getting back to work. Justin ran the art department of our family company with the greatest of ease. For him to not come back to work after dinner meant something terrible had happened. I thought about calling the police to see if there had been an accident but just then Gus and Katherine showed up at Cynthia's desk asking if they could see me. Cynthia has been with me since before Gus was born so she knew immediately that something had happened and sent them in without any delay. Gus looked like he was ready burst into tears and roll into a fetal ball. Katherine looked shell shocked as well. "Gus what is the matter, you look like someone died. Where is Justin, has there been an accident?" "I don't know where he is. He stormed out of the restaurant when he saw grandpa was with us. I've never heard Uncle Justin use such language. Dad he hates me. He thinks I tricked him into meeting with grandpa. He thinks that grandpa tricked me into tricking him." "Grandpa, who are you talking about, you don't have a grandpa?" "I do now, Uncle Justin's Dad, Craig Taylor. I met with him when I found out that he wanted to get back into Uncle Justin's life. It was my idea that the four of us meet at the restaurant. I never thought that Uncle Justin would freak just seeing grandpa at the same table with me." " Oh My God, of all the boneheaded things you could have done Gus. Fucking Craig Taylor is the only person in the world that Justin couldn't deal with rationally. No wonder he freaked. Don't you remember what that asshole did to Justin, didn't anyone tell you or did you just forget that he threw Justin away when Justin wouldn't deny who he was just because it didn't fit in god damn fucking Craig Taylor's view of what a son should be? Gus I told you that one-day one of your plans would backfire. You are just going to have to live with the consequences. You should have known better than to trick Justin into meeting with his father. If that relationship was fixable Justin would have done so long ago." "Grandpa told me that he was sorry for everything he did in the past and wanted to make it up to Uncle Justin. He is sorry for what he did and he is sorry because he didn't try to make up with Uncle Justin before now. Dad what have I done, Uncle Justin was so mad. I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't forgive me. I can't imagine what I'll do if Uncle Justin doesn't want me in his life anymore." "Gussy, Justin can never hate you. Once he calms down he'll tell you so himself. Just go on home and we will get things settled at supper." "OK Dad I'm so sorry I was so stupid." "Gus we're all stupid sometimes, you don't want to know how many times I did something just as stupid. It will be OK." "Are you sure Dad, he was so infuriated. He was shouting so loud that everyone in the restaurant could hear him. I've never heard him use the f word before but he was so furious that I almost didn't know who he was." "Katherine get him home safely, everything will work out all right. Don't worry I know my Sunshine." But Justin didn't come home that Wednesday night. Justin remembers I can't ever remember being so angry. I saw my Dad sitting at the table with Gus and Katherine acting like any normal grandfather and grandson. But it wasn't normal, the man threw me away like so much soiled toilet paper, how dare he trick my son into getting me to meet with him. What did he want to do hurt my son by rejecting me again? I really don't remember what I said to them. I just remember the horrified expression on Gus' face as whatever it was I was saying sunk in. I just had to get out of there before I physically attacked the bastard that fathered me. All I could remember was the last time we had seen each other. What he had said to me that I could never ever in a million years forgive. If we hadn't met that day on Liberty Avenue then he wouldn't have said what he said and maybe I could have forgiven him for throwing me away. Maybe I could have forgiven him for never checking on me when I was in the hospital fighting for my life. But I could never ever forgive him for what he said that day on the street when we ran into each other by sheer coincidence. I stormed out of the restaurant and just walked down the street until I found a bar. After an hour or two I moved on down the street to another bar. The third or fourth bar turned out to be a gay bar that I had never been to before. Since I had never been there I didn't know anyone else there and no one there knew me. It suited me perfectly I was in a bar that I could be comfortable in yet I didn't have to worry about word of my whereabouts getting back to Brian. I simply wasn't ready to go home and face Gus. I couldn't believe how I had hurt him for just trying to make things better between my father and me. But I just couldn't go home and face the music yet. I didn't know where I was so I didn't know where my car was. I didn't want to call anyone to come and get me since that would be even more evidence on how bad I had failed that day. So I just sat in that gay Bar and drank until they threw me out at closing. Luckily there was a motel across the street and I had a place to spend the night. I should have gone home and faced the music but I acted like a coward, got drunk and didn't go home until Thursday night. I had never missed a day of work without calling in to tell someone that I wouldn`t be there. That was something else that went by the board because I didn't show up to work and I didn't call in to let anyone know I wasn't coming. Gus and Brian were falling apart waiting for me to show up when I finally deigned to go home. How could I have been so selfish? When I finally get home do I apologize to my loved ones for putting them through hell? No I proceed to tell Gus to get out of my sight and then I tried to be funny with Brian by reminding him of one of the bad times in our relationship. How could I have been such a stupendous ass? How could I hurt my son and partner so much over such a small incident? Gus remembers Dad was so sure that Uncle Justin would be home for supper and everything would work out. Uncle Justin never showed up. Uncle Justin never called. Dad became more and more frantic. He tried to keep a cool face for me but I knew how worried he was. Uncle Justin never acted like this and Dad didn't know what to do. I just fretted over how badly I had messed up. I didn't know what to do either. I was afraid to say anything to Dad because I didn't want to remind him that it was my fault. Finally he sent me to bed, I'm practically 19-years-old and I was sent to bed by my father like a 3-year-old. I didn't say a word I just went to my room. Of course the first thing I saw was the painting of me from the old mural Uncle Justin had painted on my bedroom wall back when they first moved into this house. He painted this wonderful mural for me when I was six and then had no problems covering it up when I was 12 and thought I was too old for a mural of a petting zoo. How could I ruin the relationship that had been so good for me? How could I be such an idiot? Why hadn't I followed him out of the restaurant and explained the situation? Why didn't he come home? Why didn't he call and let us know he was all right? How am I going to survive if he doesn't come home? How am I going to look my Dad in the eye if his lover never comes home because of my actions? How am I going to survive if Uncle Justin doesn't love me anymore? The next day was the worst of my life. Uncle Justin hadn't come home, hadn't called home or work. It was like he disappeared from the face of the earth. I wanted to call the family and have them start looking for Uncle Justin. Dad didn't think that Uncle Justin would appreciate us sending the dogs out looking for him. Dad was slowly falling apart. I never believed the stories that he tried to chase Uncle Justin away before finally admitting how much he loved him. They had always been together in my memories and they had always been so much in love. I had ruined everything by being so stupid. If Uncle Justin didn't come home then Dad would have fallen into some deep emotional hole. How in name of God did I screw things up so horribly? How would I live with myself knowing that I had ruined everything? Around 6 PM Uncle Justin came walking in the door. He looked like hell. His clothes were totally mussed, his hair was a disaster and he looked like he had been drinking since the moment he left the restaurant. Dad just lit up when he realized who had walked back into the house. I just collapsed into myself when he looked at me and said. "Get out of my sight you fucking twink." I ran from the room as fast as I could but I could hear Dad and Uncle Justin talking. "Justin what are you doing? Gus has been worried sick about you." "I don't give a fuck about what the little shit thinks, did he think about what I would feel like when I saw that bastard of a father sitting at his table?" I just got away as fast as I could and slammed my door and then I just sobbed myself to sleep on my bed. How am I going to survive not having the love of Uncle Justin in my life? Friday Dad knocked on my door and told me that it would be best if I were to spend the remainder of my time in Pittsburgh at Mom and Mama's house. That I had better plan on going to State College by myself. I can never remember seeing Dad looking so bad as he did that morning. I have ruined everything I love. Uncle Justin hates me. Dad is miserable because he is in the middle. Mom and Mama don't know what to do. Mama has always preferred Uncle Justin to Dad and Mom favored Dad to Uncle Justin. I don't mean that they didn't love the other one just that if push came to shove they would have to stand by one or the other and they would be on opposite sides of the battle. So I messed up that part of the family as well. If I could just go back in time I would. I have to get the courage to open this letter so that it will be finally over. Uncle Justin'll tell me that he wants nothing more to do with me. Then I can call Dad and tell him that I understand that he has to choose Uncle Justin over me. That I'll stay out of their lives as much as possible. That he and Uncle Justin have to get their lives back to normal, just without me in them. Why did I screw up? Why was I such a cockeyed optimist? Why was I such an idiot? Brian remembers I thought I would go out of my mind. Justin didn't come home Wednesday night and he didn't come home Thursday. Gus thought we should send the family out looking for Justin. I vetoed that since I knew Justin wouldn't appreciate being found. I knew he would show up eventually I was just so worried when it kept getting later and later in the day and he hadn't come home. Finally around 6 he came walking in the door looking like total shit. The first thing he did was snap at Gus. "Get out of my sight you fucking twink." Gus just turned white as sheet and ran out of the room. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. "Justin what are you doing? Gus has been worried sick about you." "I don't give a fuck about what the little shit thinks, did he think about what I would feel like when I saw that bastard of a father sitting at his table?" "No Gus didn't think about it he just thought that you would realize that your Dad wanted to be back in your life and that you would sit down and talk to him." "Well he sure thought wrong didn't he?" "Justin where have you been? We have been worried sick?" "Well Brian I was in some gay bar, the guys kept buying me drinks. They wanted to fuck me. I guess I still have my looks. But I said no I was saving that for someone special." I couldn't believe that he threw that back in my face after so many years. I never thought that Justin could allow himself to be in such pain again. What did that bastard do to him that I don't know about? This reaction just didn't fit what had happened the day before. "Justin lets get you into the shower and cleaned up." "You just want to fuck me too. I'm perfectly capable of taking a shower by myself. I'll sleep in the spare room since I don't want any Kinney near me right now. I don't want to see Gus. Send him to the Munchers or I'll go somewhere myself." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This wasn't my Justin. "OK Justin I'll tell him in the morning. Justin talk to me, we have to get past whatever is hurting you so much." "Just leave me alone Brian, I feel like shit and it is your meddling son's fault." With that hurtful comment he went to the spare room, luckily it was on the opposite side of the house from Gus's room. I called Lindsay and filled her in with as little information as I could get away with. Mainly I told her that Gus would have to spend his last week before leaving for Penn State with them since Justin was having a breakdown of some kind and the sight of Gus was more than he could stand. I know that Justin has to be hurting beyond belief for him to be so nasty to Gus. He has loved that boy with all of his heart almost since that day he ran into the Munchers on Liberty Avenue and they invited him home with them and he played with Gus for the very first time. Justin remembers I don't know what was wrong with me. I kept saying the wrong things. Instead of begging for forgiveness for putting them through the hell of not knowing where I was I just made nasty comments to Gus. I scared the shit out of him. I made an 18-year-old run for his bedroom like a 3-year-old. I told Brian horrible lies and then told him that I don't want to have him near me. What I really wanted was for him to slap me out of this funk I'm in and make me see reality. Then I wanted him to fuck me senseless so that I could forget how stupid I had been acting. What the hell was my problem? I want him to hold me tight and show me that he still loves me even when I'm acting like a complete idiot. Yet I go storming off to the spare room and shut him out. What the fuck was wrong with me? Gus remembers I don't know how I made it through the week. I couldn't remember a day without talking to Uncle Justin let alone a whole week. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. I couldn't do anything right at the diner. Deb blamed me for making Uncle Justin miserable. Of course she was right it was my fault. Uncle Justin still wouldn't let me come home. Dad got more frustrated every day. Everyone at the Kinney-Taylor Agency was upset over the obvious problems between Dad and Uncle Justin. How could I have ruined everyone's lives? Mom and Mama didn't know what to say to me. Even Katherine didn't know what to say to me about the mess I've made of my life. Thursday afternoon Dad brought the last of my stuff from the house. He tried to make me feel better but I just couldn't make myself believe what he was saying. "Gus you have to believe me, Justin isn't really mad at you. Justin is just so mad at himself he can't see straight. Just give him some time and things will get back to normal. I haven't handled this mess the way I should have. Justin's actions just threw me for a loop and I didn't know what to do. Gus you didn't do anything wrong and Justin'll tell you so as soon as he gets over this overwhelming pain he is suffering," "Dad I'm to blame for the whole mess. I just wanted to make Uncle Justin and Grandpa happy. I don`t know why I thought I could get them back together. I`ll just go to State College tomorrow and the two of you don`t have to deal with me." "Gus that isn't what I want and it isn't what Justin wants. He'll get over this; he is much too strong for this situation to continue. Just give him time. Gus forgive yourself as well. Go to school, enjoy yourself, and when you miss us come home. Everything will be the same as it always was." "Dad I know you mean well but things can never be the same. Uncle Justin hates me and never wants to see me again. I won't put you in the position of having to choose." "Gus just give it time." I couldn't take anymore-false hope so I just ran to my room. For an almost 19-year-old I have been spending a lot of time in my room. I have to open that letter and get it over with. Brian remembers I haven't had such a miserable week since Justin was bashed. Why did I handle this mess so poorly? Why didn't I just force Justin to realize how stupidly he was acting? Why didn't I make him come to our bed and just sleep next to me? If we had just been in the same bed he would have gotten over his pain sooner. He stayed in the spare room all week; I don't think he slept more than a few hours a night. He barely ate, he went to work and he did what absolutely had to be done but nothing else. He looked like hell, I don't know if he showered the entire week. The entire staff walked on pins and needles all week just waiting for the blowup between Justin and me to occur. Every time I tried to bring up Gus he would walk out of the room. Wednesday night I had my fill of this nonsense. I had to talk to someone before I killed Justin or myself. So I called my longtime safety net. Michael's cell wasn't in service. Nobody answered at his apartment. Finally I called his comic book store. The clerk who answered the phone told me that Michael and Emmett had gone to a comic convention in Atlantic City and wouldn't be back to Pittsburgh before Sunday night. He offered to give me a number to reach Michael but I declined since talking on the phone wouldn't have helped any. I still had to talk to someone though. Ted was out since Justin would gut me if he thought I told Ted personal stuff. Deb was too partial to Justin to be fair. Jennifer was the same. Molly was busy with her new baby. That left Melanie and Lindsay. So I went over to their house hoping to find Lindsay. Mel and I get along but Lindsay has always understood me more than anyone else other than Justin and Michael. Mel was the only one home. I still had to talk to someone so Melanie was going to have to suffer and listen to me. She and Lindsay were already suffering though since Gus was being almost as much a pain to them as Justin was being to me. How in God's name did this mess get so overblown? "Lindsay took Gus to a movie. She is trying to lighten his mood. What is going on over at your house Brian? Gus hasn't spent this much time with us in years. I can't remember a time when Justin hasn't called everyday. Gus was never this morose even during puberty. He blames himself for everything that goes wrong. If the sun didn't come up in the morning he would take the blame. He came home from work early today. He had obviously been crying. He said Deb jumped him about making Justin miserable and then sent him home since he was useless. I called Deb and asked her what her problem was? She didn't have a clue; she said all she did was to ask Gus how Justin was handling Gus' going off to college. She said that Gus just burst into tears and ran into the storeroom. She sent him home because he couldn't wait tables while he was sobbing out of control. What the fuck happened?" "Gus tried to get Justin back with his father. Justin exploded when he saw Craig at the same table as Gus and Katherine. Justin walked out of the restaurant without giving Gus a chance to explain. He didn't come home forover 24 hours and when he did he was very hung over and told Gus to get out of his sight. Justin has been totally miserable ever since. I can't get him out of his funk. Gus blames himself for the whole mess, Justin blames himself and I'm caught in the middle. I'm almost ready to kill Justin. I can't get through to him how much damage he is causing. I sent Gus here because Justin threatened to leave the house if Gus was in it. I should have called his bluff but I panicked. Justin is staying in the spare room, he is barely sleeping and eating and I don't think he has bathed since he came home from his drunk. Mel I don't know what to do. I've told Gus that Justin doesn't really blame him and to just give it time. But I don't think Gus believed me. He thinks that Justin hates him and doesn't want him in his life. This was supposed to be one of the best weeks of Gus' life and instead it has become one of the worst for all of us. If Justin doesn't straighten up soon I don't know what I'm going to do. Everyone at work thinks that we're fighting and expects something bad to happen. I'm just hoping that once Gus gets to State College he'll be able to get out of his misery. I don't know what to do about Justin. I've never seen him act like this let alone act the same way for so long. I'm having problems sleeping without him in the bed. I can't believe how much I miss him, and he is in the house, but it is like he is a million miles away. I can't decide if I should hunt Craig Taylor up and beat the crap out of him. The problem with that is that I know that he has to be feeling miserable too since he knows that he is the cause of all of this heartache. The worst part is that for the first time in 20 years he was trying to do the right thing by Justin. Any ideas Mel? Thanks for listening I do feel somewhat better." "Brian, what can I say but to give Justin time. There must be something that we don't know. Justin just doesn't fall apart like this for no good reason. Don't do anything drastic though, if he is as unstable as you say you don't want to risk his leaving Pittsburgh. Justin is a reasonable guy he has to know what he is doing to himself as well as you and Gus. He'll pull himself out of wherever he is right now. We'll keep Gus away from Justin until he leaves Friday for State College. I think that Lindsay and I'll pay him a visit the next weekend though to make sure that he is settling into college life." "That sounds reasonable to me Mel. I probably better get home before he misses me, that is if he even realizes that I`m not in the house." "Brian you have to know that Justin isn't doing any of this on purpose. What did Craig Taylor do to him that we don't know about?" "I wish I knew. Thanks for letting me spill my guts. Tell Gus that I'll see him before he leaves for State College." "Goodbye Brian, and good luck with Justin." "Thanks Mel, ask Linds if she has any suggestions. I love them both too much to see them suffer so much over such a small misunderstanding." Thursday night Justin actually came to our bedroom. "Brian I found some of Gus' school supplies. You need to take them to him tonight." "Why don't you take them to him?" "Brian I still don't want to see him, I'm afraid of what I'll say and I've said enough already that I regret." "Justin Gus thinks that you hate him." "I'm so sorry about what I've done but I still can't see him yet Brian." "Justin what did your Dad do that I don't know about?" "What do you mean?" "You have totally overreacted to seeing your Dad with Gus so there has to be something else bothering you." "Just take this stuff to Gus and leave me alone. I'll see you tomorrow at work." Another night of trying to sleep alone. I just grabbed the box of school supplies and stormed out. I just didn't know what to do. Justin knew that things were terribly messed up but he still couldn't get back to normal, but he was trying. That fact made me feel somewhat better. I drove over to Mel and Lindsay's and gave the supplies to Gus. "Gus your Uncle Justin sent these for you. You do have room for another box in your Jeep don't you?" "Sure Dad, is he going to come see me off in the morning?" "I wouldn't count on in Sonnyboy but I'll be here. He is trying Gus but he still is in great pain for some reason. In the long run this will be good for Justin whatever it is that has hurt him so badly is out in the open and now we can make it go away. Just remember Gus Justin doesn't hate you. You are his son as much as you are my son and he loves you with all of his heart. He regrets how much pain he has caused all of us." "Don't try to sugar coat things Dad I know that I blew everything." "Gus you didn't' either everything will be back to normal in no time." "If you say so Dad. I love you, tell Uncle Justin that I love him too even if he hates me." "Gus." "Goodnight Dad I'll see you in the morning." When I got home I looked in on Justin since he was sound asleep I didn't bother him, he needed the sleep. Of course with Justin still not sleeping beside me I didn't sleep worth a damn. Why did I let things get so out of hand? What did Craig Taylor do that I don't know? Justin remembers I don't really remember what happened during the past week. I didn't sleep to speak of, I barely ate, I went to work but I have no idea what I did there. I still refused to see Gus or let him come home. How could I have been such a heartless ass? How could I let such a small thing that happened so long ago ruin my entire family's life? Wednesday Brian left the house for an hour or so. I think he was about ready to kill me. I certainly wouldn't have blamed him if he hadn't come home. While he was out I gathered the courage to write the letter to Gus that I then put it at the bottom of a box of his school supplies. Thursday I made Brian take the box to Gus. Since then I have just been hoping that Gus would read the letter instead of throwing it away unopened. Why have I been such a coward? It is so out of character for me to hide in the spare room like a little scared fairy. Gus has been in State College for hours, why hasn't he called? Why hasn't he read the letter and called me? Did he throw it away unopened? God why have I been such a twat? Why didn't I just sit down at that table and talk to Gus and my Dad? Why did I walk out like an idiot and go get drunk? Why hasn't Gus called? Why have I made everyone miserable? I have to accept that I've ruined my relationship with my beloved son. I have to make sure that I haven't ruined by my relationship with Brian. I'm going to get cleaned up, that will probably take an hour since I don't even remember the last time I bathed, then I'm going to march to our bedroom and hope that he'll still be interested in me. Why have I acted like such a fool? Why hasn't Gus called yet? I have my cell phone in my hand, I've set it for speaker so that Brian'll be able to hear whatever Gus has to say, assuming he actually calls and has anything to say to me. "Brian I'm so sorry for acting like such a twat. Do you still love me?" "How can you ask that? Get your beautiful ass over here." "God Brian what have I done? I don't remember anything. Except how much I've hurt you and Gus. Did I really tell him I didn't want to see him? Did I really run him out of his home? Did Ireally refuse to see him leave for college? Have I really been such an idiot?" "Yes Justin to all of them. But you are back and everything will work out over time." "I hope so Brian. I've been such a twat. If Gus doesn't forgive me I don't know what I'll do. I love him almost as much as I love you and I have done my best to ruin my relationship with both of you." "Hush Justin, just forget it and let things get back to normal. I have missed you being in bed with me so much. I haven't been able to sleep with you not being here. But you are out of your funk and things will get back to normal." "I hope so, I hope so. But Gus hasn`t called yet, so he probably threw my letter away unopened." "Letter, what letter?" "I couldn't drag up the courage to talk to him and to explain why I have been acting like such an idiot so while you were out last Wednesday I wrote him a letter explaining everything. I hid it in the school supplies since I was too much of a coward to even give him the letter face to face let alone talk to him. But he should have found it long ago and if he read it he should have called me, either to accept my apologies or to tell me to go to hell. He must have thrown it away unopened. OH GOD Brian I have thrown my son away just like my Dad threw me away." "Justin you have not thrown Gus away. Your Dad is still interested in trying to get back in your life Justin." "Well I'm not ready for that yet. Gus why haven`t you called, I have to apologize. Gus you have to forgive me." "Justin he'll forgive you but he thinks that you have to forgive him, he blames himself for everything." "You mean I've hurt him even more than I thought. No wonder he hasn't called, he does hate me and I can't blame him." "JUSTIN KINNEY-TAYLOR he doesn't hate you any more than you hate him. Just give him some time and everything will work out." "Do you really think so?" "Yes or I wouldn't say it. Now get into this bed. I`ve missed you so much." "I've missed this too Brian, how could I have risked all of my life just because of some comment my Dad made to me on the street 18 years ago." "What did he say?" "Maybe some other time Brian, just make love to me." For a few hours life was almost normal. Brian finally fell asleep but I lay there thinking about everything I had done in the past week. How could I have been so stupid? How could I stay so stupid for so long? How could I risk my life with Brian? How could I hurt my son so much that he has decided that it is best for all of us to get out of my life? How could I have been so incredibly stupid? RING, RING, RING, RING "Hello" "Uncle Justin" Gus remembers I stared at that letter for so long that I finally fell asleep in my desk chair. I woke up at 3AM and it was just lying on the desk. I finally gathered the courage and opened it, I had to know for sure that my life as I knew it was over. I couldn't believe what I was reading. When I finished I did as Uncle Justin asked. RING, RING, RING, RING "Hello" "Uncle Justin" Brian remembers Friday night Justin finally came to his senses. He cleaned himself up. He came to our bedroom and tried to explain why he had acted the way he had the past week. I didn't care what he was saying just that he was back to normal. We then made love for hours and like always he wore me out. My Sunshine was back in my life, now all we had to do was get Sonnyboy back there as well. RING, RING, RING, RING "Hello" "Uncle Justin" Justin remembers Gus hadn't thrown the letter away. Gus hadn't thrown our relationship away. Gus had been afraid to read the letter because he thought that it was going to tell him that I didn't want him in my life. How did I mess us up so badly. But I lucked out and my life and my loved ones will get back to normal. Gus has forgiven me. Brian has forgiven me. I just have to forgive myself. I told Gus that we had to forget that the last week occurred. That he wasn't to come home any sooner than he would have if everything had gone according to our plans. He has to enjoy his life at Penn State. He can come home when he gets homesick or when there is nothing going on in State College that he wants to see. But he isn't to come home just because of the stupidity I put the family through. When he comes home will be soon enough to work out the mess. I lucked out; I behaved like an idiot but my life survived because of the love of my family. I still can't bear the thought of being in the same room with my Dad but I won't stand in the way of he and Gus developing a relationship if that is what Gus wants. The most important thing is that Gus still loves me. He still thinks of me as his father. As stupid as I behaved I still have my family. Gus remembers I woke up at 3AM and finally gathered the courage to open the letter from Uncle Justin. I was expecting the worst but instead he insisted that the whole mess was his fault. I couldn't believe what I was reading but I was so overjoyed to read it that I almost burst into tears again. I'll have the letter laminated and save it forever, unless Uncle Justin wants me to destroy it. My Uncle Justin still loves me as a son. I'll remember these words forever. Gussy I can't tell you how much it hurts me to realize the pain I have put you and your father through this past week. Gus it has been my fault entirely. You did nothing wrong. I don't really remember much of what I did or said during the past week but I do know that I hurt you terribly. I said horrible things to you and made your father send you away from your home. I made him send you away not because I didn't want to see you but because I didn't want you to see me. I should have faced you and explained what happened that day at the restaurant. Instead I have been afraid to see you for fear that you would be disgusted with me and never want to see me again. Gus I want things to be the same as they have always been between us. I'm so sorry for everything. I ruined your last week before you left for college. I ruined our plans for your first weekend in State College. I need to tell you why I freaked at the sight of my father sitting with you and Katherine. But Gus no matter whether you forgive me or not you can't tell your father anything about what I`m about to tell you. One of the problems that I suffered from after the bashing was a fear of being around other people and being touched by anyone. Your father spent hours and hours over weeks helping me get over the bashing. He helped me become able to let others touch me. We walked hand in hand all over the Liberty Avenue neighborhoods. Finally he would let me walk by myself to meet him. Eventually I was able to go out on my own with out completely freaking. One day I was taking you home, I was pushing you in your stroller when by complete coincidence we ran into my father. He was down there for some business meeting. He was very impressed with you, I think he was hoping that you were my son and that would prove that I wasn't really queer. Of course you were way too old to be a child of mine. I made the mistake of asking him why he hadn't come to see me at the hospital. "Justin you chose the life you wanted." "You mean I chose to be hit in the head with a baseball bat?" "No Justin I never wanted you to be hurt. I just wanted you to realize how wrong you were to go with that fucking Kinney." "That fucking Kinney stayed in the hospital for three days without leaving because he was so worried about me. Where were you? That fucking Kinney came and watched me sleep every night I was in the hospital. Where were you? That fucking Kinney has spent countless hours helping me get past the problems I developed from being hit in the head with a baseball bat. Where have you been? The only reason I'm out in public without freaking out is because that fucking Kinney has walked with me for miles and miles. Where have you been? When I was lying on the floor of that parking garage bleeding my life away that fucking Kinney called 911 and held me and staunched the blood. Where were you? Even though I got hit in the head with a baseball bat I'm still queer it didn't knock any sense into me. Would that have made you happy?" "What would have made me happy is if Hobbs had hit that fucking Kinney in the head and sprayed his brains all over the parking garage, then you would have come to your senses and come home." "As much pain as you have put me through Dad you have finally gone too far, I could forgive you for throwing me out of your life, I could forgive you for not coming to see if I would live or die. I cannot forgive what you just said. I never want to see you again. I never want to hear your voice again. You are dead to me." So Gus I hope you can see why I freaked when I saw him again after so many years. That conversation is as clear to me today as it was when he said it. So to see him there with you after so many years of not even thinking of him was more than I could handle. I'm not sorry for anything I said to him but I'm terribly sorry for anything I said and did to you. Gus I'm so sorry for everything. I want things to go back to where they were but I'll abide with whatever you decide is right for you. If you are willing to forgive me for the pain I have caused you; call me. Justin I don't think I ever dialed a phone quicker than I did after I finished the letter. Everything is going to be normal. It will just take some time. Uncle Justin still loves me.