Title:The Fred and George Weasley Variety Hour Author: Reese Craven Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. J.K does. I'm just playing with her toys. ^_^ -- (Really low tech sign written on a piece of paper and pencil; Fred and George Weasley Variety hour.) (Clapping) Fred: Hello my friends, relatives, and poor souls we forced to come enjoy our show. George: (laughs uneasily) Don’t listen to him. Anyway we finally get our own show. Together: The Fred and George Weasley Variety Hour!!! (clapping) Fred: For the next hour talent less people will come up here and attempt to entertain us. Then if they fail (evil face and grin) we will put them through the Ring of Fire with A Possible of Death (evil laugh) George: It’s a no go on the Ring of Fire Fred: What! Why? Isn’t that the only reason we let Snape on the show? George: SNAPE!! You let Snape on the show? Fred: Yeah. I thought we could just skip his act and get to the Ring of Fire. We all know he’s a talentless git anyway. George: Thanks a lot, Fred. Now we’ll have to see him perform. Fred: (grins broadly) Okay everyone let’s get to our first act. (Clapping) George: You know him as- Fred: Wait! Buzzers! We can have buzzers that light you on fire if we don’t like you! Yeah it would be so cool to watch Snape burn like your attempts to make toast (more evil grins) George: Just for that no buzzers. Fred: Man hungry Caribou? George: Nope. Fred: Flesh eating owls? George: NO! Fred: Geez you are no fun. George: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, you all know him as our annoying younger, scrawny brother Ron Weasley! (Clapping) Fred: Come on out Ronny! (Ron comes out in a top hat and cape along with a plastic magic wand. Audience claps.) Fred: So what are you going to do for us today? Ron: I don’t know. You told me to put this thing on and come out when you told me to. George: Read the damn cue card dumbass. Ron: (looking bewildered) Oh. Uh…Ron….looking at George. I…will…be…doing some cheap Muggle sluts today. Fred: What! That’s not what it says! George: Yeah actually it does. (Audience laughs) Fred: Quiet or else I’ll put you all in the Box of Determination! George: Fred, we don’t have a Box of Determination. Fred: They don’t know that George: Now they do. Fred: Anyway. As much as Ron wants to do some cheap Muggle sluts, he’s going to do a little Muggle magic for us. Take it away Ronny. (Fred and George stand on the side of the stage) George: (whispers to Fred) if he really sucks then you have permission to say accio- anything. Fred: (Grin across his face) Ron: (Moves to a table where his tricks are) Uhh…I guess is to make the ball disappear. (Crowd is silent) Wait a second uhh… (Puts cup over ball) Abra Cadavra. (Picks up the cup and ball is still there) Ok. YOU GUYS IT DIDN”T WORK!!! George: JUST KEEP GOING! Fred: Come on you ungrateful bastards clap for the boy! (Crowd now scared of Fred, claps.) Ron: Uhh. I guess I’ll make the stupid rabbit turn into a dove. (Opens bag, in which the rabbit is in, closes it again) George: What’s wrong? Ron: It’s dead George: FRED! It was your job to keep it alive. Fred: Well…I was testing the Ring of Fire on it. I was thinking we could give it to an audience member as a constellation prize. George: A dead rabbit? Fred: We could have said it was a pound of galleons and not to open it until they got home. George: Well…keep going Ron! Ron: I don’t know what to do! Fred: Can I hit him with something? (Before George can answer Fred yells Accio Cow and a cow flies in and lands on Ron killing him) George: FRED!!! YOU KILLED RON!!! MUM IS GOING TO KILL US!!! Fred: No. Just you! George: COMMERICAL! PLEASE! (Gilderoy Lockhart comes into view.) Gilderoy: Hello those less prettier than I. Today I am here to sell you some useless crap with my face on it. I think it is some hair care product. Ah yes. It’s called Gilderoy’s Every Type of Hair Fixer. If you want hair like mine, well too bad. You’re not me. Meaning you is probably really ugly and has nothing else better to do with your time. So if you want to make me very happy by giving me your money then buy this product and pretend to be happy as I slowly drain you of all your money. (Wide smile) (Commercial ends) Fred: Welcome back to our show! (Ron’s body and the cow are now gone) George: Wasn’t that a great way to start off the show? (Crowd remains silent) Fred: Anyway….our next performer is a girl you love to hate, busybody, know it all! George: Hermione Granger with her amazing Poodles. Fred: Dancing dogs? George: (nods) It was your idea remember? Fred: I wanted dancing poodles? What was I thinking? Come on out Hermione!! (Seconds later Hermione runs out onto the stage) Hermione: HELP ME! THEY ARE AFTER ME!!! George: Who is? Hermione: THOSE DOGS!!! (Barking becoming more audible) Fred: You mean the strays and most likely rabies infested animals we call poodles? Hermione: Yes! Help me! You got me into this; now get me out of it. George: Fred! You picked up random dogs off the streets? Fred: I think also a raccoon, cat and squirrel. George: FRED!!! Fred: What? I put them in too-toes what else do you want from me? George: THE REST OF THE ACTS TO LIVE!!! Fred: Can’t guarantee Snape will. George: Well, he doesn’t count. He is an old git! (Laughing from audience) Fred: Well Hermione… (Shoves her in front of the animals as they come towards her ready to attack) Ha Ha Ha. This is so funny. George: FRED!!!! Watching Hermione being mauled to death is NOT cool. Accio animal treats. (Animals stop attacking Hermione and follow treats) We need a commercial. (Dementors come into view.) Dementor 1: (shallow breathing) we are her to invite you to come on down to….. (Pulls off cloaks to revel skeletons.) Dementor 2: (singing to tune of the A&W commercials.) Let’s all go to Azkaban. The food really sucks at Azkaban. The best thing there is that we-get-to-suck-out-your-soul-and-leave-you-as-a-lifeless-insane-snack. Dementor 1: (stops singing and pulls on hood) Come on down to Azkaban today and we’ll throw in this designer prison suit. (Commercial ends) (Crowd is clapping and cheering in hopes that the show is almost over) Fred: How was that for entertainment? George: Fred. You realize that our brother is dead and our friend was almost killed. Fred: Pure entertainment. It’d be better with a Ring of Fire. George: No. You’ve killed enough things already. Fred: Not enough George: Are you sure you’re not a Death Eater? Fred: Positive. I don’t want Harry Potter dead. (Crowd cheers at the mention of Harry’s name.) George: Well I guess you will love your next act, because it is no other than Mr. Harry Potter himself. (Audience stands giving Harry a standing ovation. Harry walks onto stage looking scared.) Fred: Hello Harry. So tell us what you are doing for us tonight? Harry: Where’s Ron? He never came back to talk to me. George: He just got into a little accident Harry: What kind of accident? (Sounds scared) Fred: Harry. No way of beating around the bush. Ron’s dead. He was hit by a cow. Harry: What? You mean? How in the hell did he get hit by a cow? (Fred points and George and George points at Fred) Harry: (begins to cry) He was my first real friend! George: I’m sorry Harry. It’ll be okay. It was just Ron. Fred: Besides you have our show to do. So what is your act tonight? Harry: I really don’t want to now you guys. Fred: Well too bad. George: Come on Harry. Do it for Ron. Harry: (Sighs and wipes away tears) I will be telling jokes. Fred: Right then. Alright everyone clap! (Audience claps. George and Fred stand off to the side.) Harry: (Walks up to microphone and clears throat. The audience cheers. A few guys can be heard screaming ‘I love you Harry!’) Hi. Uhh…I don’t know any jokes. (Audience claps) George: Brilliant Harry. Bravo! Ron will be proud! Come on now! That was really good. Fred: No! Harry! You say some jokes or else you will end up like Ron! George: Fred! Why are you obsessed with Death all of the sudden? Fred: (shrugs) that time of the month? Every month I’m obsessed with death? George: Go ahead Harry. Just tell us. No one really cares what you say anyway. Harry: Uhh. Did you hear this one? What kind of cheese is not yours? (Audience silent, someone coughs) Nacho Cheese. (Crowd burst into laughter and Fred falls over with laughter. While at same time Harry’s eyes fill with tears.) Harry: That was Ron’s favorite. He loved that one! Fred: Keep going Harry! You were great. Harry: But…But….I can’t. George: Why not? Harry: That joke reminded me of Ron! (Begins to sob) Fred: Suck it up! You, Harry Potter, is sad just because our little brother died? It’s not like he was the important anyway…. George: FRED! Harry: But I loved…I mean really, really, really like Ron. He was my best friend. (Continues sobbing) Fred: I knew it! I knew you and Ron were together! (Begins laughing) Harry: It’s not funny (Still sobbing, runs offstage) (Audience looks on in confusion, clapping begins when they realize that Harry Potter was crying in front of them.) George: Geez Fred. Please cut to a commercial. (Commercial. News Flash cuts across the screen.) Voice: Attention. We interrupt your commercials to bring you this. A convicted Death Eater escaped from Azkaban only a few hours ago. Luscious Malfoy escaped and is considered armed and dangerous. We repeat he is armed and dangerous. Call professionals to deal with him. Do not attempt to take him down yourself. Now we will resume your program. (Bulletin ends) George: Welcome Back! We only have two more acts to go. So let’s get down to it. Fred: He’s a convicted Death Eater and the would be sponsor of the Ring of Fire. George: Fred…. Fred: Luscious Malfoy! (Few claps and Luscious comes out) George: LUCIOUS MALFOY!!! Now you have gone too far! (Fred uses spell to shut him up) Fred: Hello Mr. Malfoy. What have you got planned to do for us? Malfoy: (Glares) I plan to reenact the death of the great Lord Voldemort. (Few Claps) Fred: Alright. Get started. (Pulls George off stage) Malfoy: (Takes place on stage) I shall be both Lord Voldemort and Harry Potter. Ahem. (Starts to prance around.) I’m Harry Potter. I’m a little queer who has to defeat the dark lord. (Changes voice to deep octave) I am the all powerful Lord Voldemort. Do you really think a little boy can defeat me? (High pitched voice) Oh No! I’m screwed because I have no idea whatsoever to defeat you. So please before I die, may I suck on your cock? (Deep Voice) No. But you may suck on Luscious Malfoy’s. (Normal voice) For you my Lord I will do anything. Start sucking Potter! Fred: Skip that part! Luscious: But it is the best part! Fred: Not for us. George: mmgrmg unce I gom my hans on you…. Fred: Continue Luscious. Luscious: (High pitched voice) Now that I have fulfilled my last act as a fag, I can die! (Deep voice) Well then prepare to die Harry Potter! (Comes closer then trips pretending to kill himself with his wand.) Cool I don’t have to die. I Harry Potter saved the day yet again without even trying. Yeah! Now the world must bow to me! Luscious Malfoy’s bitch! Fred: Okay. That was wonderful. Now there are some Hit Wizards waiting for you outside so if you’d be so kind to go I can collect the reward money. (Clapping begins and Luscious runs out of the room. Fred removes the spell form George and George hits him.) George: What is wrong with you? Fred: What? George: Who’s next? Lord Voldemort himself? Fred: His ghost wouldn’t come… George: No more crystal ball for you. Fred: Nooo! You can’t do that! George: Sure I can. The moment you start talking to mass murders I said I’d take your privileges away! Fred: You’re not mum remember? George: Let’s get this over with. Fred: Okay, our last act. He’s old. A Git. Greasy and more evil than the both of us combined. You all know him as the Professor Potions class. George: Professor Snape! (Walks out and glares at everyone who’s clapping for him) Fred: So what are you going to be doing tonight? Snape: Weasley’s? I hoped I’d never have to lay eyes on you again…. George: You didn’t have to come on the show really. Snape: Yes. Yes I did. I have to get his message out. Fred: Okay…Well, what are you going to be doing for us tonight? Snape: I will be singing a song. George: All right take it away you Greasy Git. Snape: (Glares as he takes the spot at center stage. He pulls the microphone and begins his act.) First off I want to dedicate this song to two very special people in my life, Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter. Both: WHAT? (Mouths drop down in horror) Snape: (Clears throat and music to Clay Aiken’s ‘Invisible’ begins) ‘What you doing tonight? I wish I could be a fly on your wall. George: Oh my God! Fred: Yeah. Now I bet you wish we had the Ring of Fire! Snape: ‘Why can’t I bring you into my life? So tell me. What would it take to make you see that I’m alive?’ (Pulls off robes to revel himself in tight leather pants and a shirt that says ‘Kitties are Pretty’) ‘If I was Invisible. If I could just watch you in your room. Fred: MY EYES! George: MY EARS! Snape: ‘I’d make you mine tonight’ Fred: Accio-Chair (Misses because Snape is now dancing) Snape: ‘And I could just tell you where I stand. I would be the smartest man. If I was invisible. Wait, I already am.’ George: Accio-knives. Accio-knives! Please God make it stop! (Crowd is speechless as Snape begins the second verse) Snape: ‘Saw your face in a crowd. I call out your name, but you don’t hear a sound. I keep tracing your steps. Each move that you make I wish I could read what goes through your mind.’ Fred: Accio-Cow George: Accio-anything! Just please stop him. (Snape avoids them all as the whole audience comes flying at him except for Fred and George) Snape: (Continues singing) ‘If hearts were unbreakable I’d tell you where I stand’ Fred: okay Ring of Fire! (Large circle comes up out of the floor with fire around it.) George: I have a simpler solution. STUPIFY! (Hits Snape and falls down cold) Fred: Come on!! That definitely deserved the Ring of Fire! George: The show’s over with. I’m never doing this again. You ruined it! (Looks around to see that they are the only ones standing. The audience is knocked out on the ground) Fred: At least Ron is the only one that died. Isn’t that a record? Only one death? George: Well that’s it you guys. I hope you enjoyed the first and last episode of The Fred and George Weasley Variety Hour. Now goodnight before I shoot myself. Come on Fred. (Walks off stage while dragging Fred behind him. After a few seconds Fred comes back into view.) Fred: Next time my friends we shall se the Ring of Fire in Acton. (evil laughs) George: COME ON FRED! Fred: Coming! Next time! (Show Ends)