They had just finished making love that last time in the loft and were laying there holding each other. They were both trying to wipe away tears when the other wasn’t looking. They knew that Justin’s mom would be there soon to take him to the airport, but they just weren’t ready to let go of each other. They continued to exchange small kisses while running their hands up and down each other’s faces and arms; wanting to somehow burn the memory of one another into their brain. Finally Brian knew that he had to get up and throw some pants on or he was going to lose it. He could already hear himself whispering in Justin’s ear… “Stay with me… please… I promise you won’t regret it…” He knew that he couldn’t let that happen – no matter how hard he wanted it. He loved Justin but he knew this was the best chance Justin had to become a successful artist. The review of Justin’s work by the New York critic was still fresh. This was his chance. If he waited even 6 months the excitement over his work would have died down and he may have missed this window of opportunity. Justin followed Brian’s lead and got up and got dressed. All of his bags were by the door and they were sitting on the couch waiting in silence. He was lying across the couch with his head in Brian’s lap. Brian was running his hands through Justin’s hair. They were both staring off into space. Neither of them wanted Justin to leave, but both were sure that if he didn’t – he would regret it forever and would end up resenting Brian for it. What seemed like forever was actually only about 15 minutes before they heard Jennifer’s car pull up out front. They got up without a word and started carrying his bags downstairs. Once everything was packed into the trunk of the car, Brian closed it and turned around. In one smooth motion he grabbed Justin up in a big hug and then turned around and lifted him so that Justin was sitting on the trunk of his mother’s car. He held onto Justin so tight he thought he might leave bruises. He finally let the hug break, but only so that he could cup Justin's face and pull his lips to his own one last time. He wanted this moment to last forever. He didn’t know when he would get to see Justin again – if ever and he didn’t want it to end. He had refused to allow himself to have feelings like this for anyone his whole life, but he finally conceded and now that he knew what they were like – he was terrified that he would never feel them again. He knew it was time to break the kiss when he could feel Justin’s tears welling up in the crease of his hand. He didn’t want to make this any harder on Justin and he knew that meant getting him out of here as quickly as possible. Brian held onto Justin tightly as he helped him back to the ground and then led him around to the passenger side of the car and opened the car door for him. Justin smiled at him sweetly and reached for the seatbelt. Brian squatted down next to Justin and held his face for a moment – keeping their eyes locked on one another. “I love you, Justin.” Brian whispered, “Remember that.” Justin placed his hand on top of Brian’s and smiled a smile that shook Brian to his very core. “I love you too, Brian.” With that, Justin looked away. Brian was actually relieved when he did this because he could feel the tears starting. He stood up and said “Now go to New York, dazzle the art world and never look back…” Then he softly shut the car door. When he turned around to go back into the loft, Jennifer was standing there. She pulled him into a tight hug. “Thank you so much Brian… I know how difficult it is for you to let him go like this…” Brian wiped a few tears away before he looked at her and shrugged, “Well, you know what they say… if you love someone – you have to let them go.” He replied as his voice trailed off along with his gaze. “Yea…” Jennifer whispered back. It never ceased to amaze her how little she knew about Justin and Brian’s relationship. The entire first year they were together she figured that Brian looked at Justin as just a sweet young thing that helped him “stay young”. After the bashing, when Brian would sit outside Justin’s hospital room every night, she had to admit that there must be something more to it than just sex. For the next couple years she really had no idea what to think of their relationship. It was definitely an “on again / off again” relationship if nothing else. One day Justin would be so happy and the next day every sentence would start with “fucking Brian…” Now it was very evident when you looked at either one of them that they not only loved each other – they were in love with each other. That fact, she knew, made Justin’s decision to leave and Brian’s decision to let him go without a fight so much more difficult. Brian cleared his throat so he could tell Jennifer goodbye without his voice cracking. “I guess I’ll see you around sometime,” he said to her as he started to move out of her way so she could get going. Jennifer stopped him long enough to hug him for a second. “I would really like it if you would join Molly and me for dinner sometime… We will always consider you family.” She said, making sure to make eye contact with him for that last sentence. Brian looked away quickly and chuckled weakly, “Just what I need, another mother looking after me; like Joan and Debbie aren’t enough.” His eyes inadvertently locked with hers again and he knew she was seeing right through his mask. He closed his mouth and looked at his feet for a second and then nodded his head, “Ok – call the office sometime and we will get together for lunch or something,” he conceded before kissing her on the cheek and heading back into the loft. He figured it would be easy enough to dodge invitations and the awkward moments that would surely arise from them with Cynthia’s help. He needed to remember to mention that to her Monday. As he walked back into the loft he kicked off his shoes and by the time he got to the bed the pants he had thrown on earlier were laying on the floor. He lay back down on the bed and curled around the pillow where his lover had been laying less than an hour ago. Brian could still smell Justin all over the sheets and especially on the pillow. It was a mixture of his cologne and sweat. Brian buried his face in the smell and fell asleep with a sad smile on his face and a tear trailing over his cheek. ************************************************************************************ Justin had left on Friday. No one saw Brian at all on Saturday. A bit odd, but with Babylon gone it was not very surprising – he hated most of the other clubs. When he was nowhere to be found on Sunday night the guys all huddled around a table at Woody’s and started to look at each with a bit of concern. “I’m sure he will be at work in the morning,” Ted spoke up, “maybe he’s just taken these last few days to detox a bit. He has had as much to deal with these past few weeks as the rest of us and now, with Justin leaving, he has even more. It can’t be easy on him – despite what he would like us to believe.” “I still can't believe the little shit had the audacity to walk away! He is just never happy. All these years he has wanted Brian to admit he loved him and then when he does, Justin moves hundreds of miles away!” Michael jumped up on his anti-Justin soapbox again. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. “I’m actually surprised that you are upset by it, Michael,” Emmett confessed. “You always used to complain about him hanging around and ruining our fun… now that he’s gone you are complaining about that too… sounds like maybe you are the one that is never happy…” Emmett finished that with his eyebrows raised and started sipping his Cosmo. Michael opened his mouth to defend himself, but wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. Emmett was being ridiculous, all Michael ever wanted was for Justin to appreciate Brian for the person he was and not try to change him! But even as Michael was about to begin this tirade, he knew there were holes in his thinking. He knew that there was merit in what Emmett said. While he had gotten over his initial irritation with Brian’s “boy toy” a couple years ago – there were still times that those feelings rose to the surface again. Usually it was whenever Justin did something to hurt Brian’s feelings. “Michael?” … Brian was his best friend after all! “Michael!”… What kind of best friend would he be if he didn’t defend him??? “MICHAEL!” Michael was jerked out of his own mental tirade and looked around at Ben, Ted and Emmett. One of them had apparently asked him a question and they were all waiting on his response. The problem was he had no idea who had asked what… “I’m sorry guys, I missed what you were talking about” he confessed. Ted spoke up then, “I asked if you would be willing to run by Brian’s loft in the morning if, for some reason, he doesn’t show up at Kinnetik.” “I am sure he will be there and be as charming as ever,” Michael began, “but if he isn’t, just call me at the comic book store and I will definitely run by and check on him.” They all had one last drink and then started home for the evening. On their way home, Michael and Ben drove by Brian's loft. All the lights were out. “See,” Michael began, “he is probably out partying somewhere else – or at some trick’s place getting his dick sucked… You know Brian; he is not going to let this get him down. Hell – he is probably more upset about Babylon than he is about Justin leaving…” Ben patted Michael on the leg while he continued to drive to their house. “I am sure you are right dear… now quit trying to convince me and start working on convincing yourself!” Michael gave Ben a grumpy, pouting look and Ben chuckled to himself and then squeezed Michael’s thigh … ********************************************************************************** The next morning Ted showed up at Kinnetik at his usual time. By that time, Brian should have already been there for at least an hour or so. So when Ted stopped off at his favorite coffee shop on the way to work that morning, he had bought an extra one for Brian. He stopped at his desk and dropped off his briefcase and his jacket before walking to Brian’s office. He was about to knock on the door when Cynthia came around the corner. “He’s not here yet, Ted…” she called out. “He’s not called either… I’m actually starting to worry. I tried calling his home phone and the cell but he is not answering either line. He hasn’t missed work like this since he finished his radiation therapy.” She said as her voice drifted off. Ted suddenly became concerned as well and he decided not to wait any longer. “Don’t worry Cynthia – I will get a hold of Michael and send him over to Brian’s loft to check on things.” He told her as he started to walk away from Brian’s door. He stopped next to her long enough to offer her the extra coffee he had bought. She thanked him and he continued back to his office. He stepped inside and shut the door before sitting down and dialing Michael’s number. “Michael’s Comics, home of Rage the Gay Crusader – this is Michael – how can I help you?” “Michael, this is Ted…” Ted began, unsure of how to proceed with this conversation without sending Michael into a panic. “Hey Teddy! How’s your day going?” Michael asked. He noticed that Teddy sounded a little funny, but that happened more often than not, so it really didn’t cause any red flags for Michael. “Well, it is off to a strange start now that you mention it,” Ted began. He took another breath and then continued, “Brian is not here Michael. Cynthia said he hasn’t called in or anything.” Michael looked at his watch. “It’s only 8 o’clock, Teddy. I’m sure he’ll be in soon.” Ted pulled the phone away from his ear and looked into the receiver, unable to believe his ears. It was almost as if Michael had completely forgotten about the conversation the gang had had the night before. “Michael, Brian is usually here before everyone else... He has always called Cynthia beforehand if he was planning to be late. Do you even remember what we were all talking about last night?” The phone line was quiet for what seemed like forever and then Michael spoke up again, “Oh my God, Teddy, I had completely forgotten. I don’t know what I was thinking… I’ll lock up right now and go check on him.” Michael said, “I’ll call you once I know what is going on Teddy…” With that, Michael hung up the phone and grabbed his keys from behind the counter. He flipped the sign to closed and stepped out and locked the doors. He grabbed the next taxi he saw and headed over to Brian’s loft unsure of what he was going to find. ************************************************************************************ Michael was handing the driver the fare for the taxi ride before the car had completely stopped and had jumped out and shut the door before the driver could even say “thank you”. He didn’t bother hitting the buzzer and waiting to see if Brian would answer. He just pulled out his “emergency key” and let himself into the building. He took the steps two at a time until he reached the last flight of steps. He stopped then to catch his breath and then walked the rest of the way to the top. He knocked on the door and listened to see if he could hear Brian moving around inside. He heard nothing, but wasn’t convinced that Brian was not home yet. He knocked a couple more times. Still he heard nothing. He thought back to the night around Brian’s thirtieth birthday when he had walked in and stopped Brian from potentially killing himself while “scarfing”. That was all the incentive he needed. He unlocked the door and walked in. At first, he thought everything was fine. There was a line of shoes and clothes from the door of the loft up to the bedroom, which usually meant that Brian was just busy getting his dick sucked. However, even Brian would not skip work for a piece of ass – not without calling anyway. Michael started walking into the loft and called out Brian’s name a couple times without getting a response. He glanced up at the bedroom and saw Brian’s foot hanging off the edge of the bed. “Brian?” Michael called out. Brian mumbled his reply, “What do you want Michael?” Michael continued walking into the loft slowly – looking around. There were dishes in the sink and a couple of things just lying wherever they had fallen. While the place was not actually “messy”, it was not like Brian to let anything just lay around. “I’m here checking on you. You didn’t show up for work this morning…” “Yes,” Brian replied, “I’m aware of that. What is your point?” “My point?” Michael said in his whiney exasperated voice. “My point is that you never do that… If you are not going in you at least call. No one saw you at all this weekend and then there is no sign of you at work this morning. People are worried about you.” “Well, you can tell everyone that I am fine. I just did not feel like dealing with work today – that is all. Even the boss is allowed to take a day away – damn.” Brian spat out in reply to Michael’s little tirade. He was lying sideways across the bed again – his head on Justin’s pillow. By this time, Michael had walked up the steps between the living room and the bedroom. His concern stepped up as he looked at Brian. He looked like he had not slept well in days. He definitely had not showered or shaved this morning. “Oh my God Brian, what is wrong? You look like shit!” he exclaimed as he sat down next to Brian on the bed. “I knew it was going to hit you hard when the little fucker left the way he did, but I never expected you to just give up like this…” As soon as he said it, Michael knew it was a mistake. The look that Brian had in his eyes could have melted a steel pylon. “What the FUCK are you talking about Michael? I haven’t given up a God damned thing! Of course I look like shit right now – I’ve been throwing up for the last two days – how would you expect me to look?” Brian jumped down Michael’s throat. “By the way, ‘the little fucker’ as you referred to him, has a name and Justin has nothing to do with this.” Brian added – not sure, if he was adding it for Michael’s benefit or his own. While it was true that he had gotten sick a couple of times over the last couple of days, the main reason he had gotten sick was that he had barely eaten anything at all since Justin left. He didn’t really understand it. It had been as much his idea for Justin to go to New York as it had been Justin’s. He knew if he had said a word, Justin would have jumped out of that car and come right back upstairs that night. He knew that going to New York was the best thing for Justin; that Justin was much more likely to become a success in New York. The opportunities here would be extremely limited, and he loved Justin too much to allow anyone to limit him like that. “Well,” Michael stammered, “as long as you are ok I will go ahead and go back to work. I will call Teddy and let him know you are ok once I get back to work; that way you can get back to resting. Let me know if you need anything ok?” Brian waved his hand at Michael to shoo him off and mumbled, “Yea, yea, yea, Mikey – just close the door on the way out please.” “I’ll come by and check on you this afternoon.” Michael said as he was leaving. He did not wait around for a response. “Yeehaw…” Brian said sarcastically. He lay there a little while longer and then finally gave in, got up and headed to the bathroom. He took a long hot shower, and as he rinsed his hair his mind started to run a slideshow of all the times he and Justin had fucked in that shower… Brian knew he needed to snap out of this “funk”. The problem was that being in a “funk” was a new experience for him. He could only think of two ways to get back to his old self. The first option was completely out of the question – Brian Kinney didn’t chase after anyone – not even the young blond who had turned his life upside down. No, it was way too soon to think about moving Kinnetik to New York. That only left one other option – he had to rebuild Babylon… *********************************************************************************** Justin stirred a bit as he began to wake up. He opened an eye just a crack to look around the room. One the wall across from his bed was a painted sign that read: “Good morning Justin! Welcome to a brand new day in New York!” He knew it seemed rather strange to anyone else looking at it, but it had become a necessary evil to him. He had noticed early on that everything he had painted since he had gotten to New York was “off” somehow. There was no passion, no adventure – nothing like the work he had completed when living back home. One morning, about 6 weeks after he had made the move to New York, he sat down in his second hand Lazy Boy recliner with a big mug of coffee and tried to figure out what was causing the problem. It wasn’t that he missing Brian. He was missing him of course, but that was not what was coming across in the paintings… This was something else – something Justin himself could not seem to put his finger on… It was a bitter cold morning and he decided that he wasn’t going to be able to think clearly with the sound of his teeth chattering so loudly. He grabbed his coffee mug and walked over to the heater. He kicked it a couple times and then muttered “get to work dammit, I’m fucking freezing here!” With that, he climbed back into his bed and bundled the blankets up to his neck. As he dozed back off he continued to try and figure out what was going on in his subconscious. An hour or so later he awoke with a start. He sat straight up in the bed and tried to gain his bearings. Where was he? This wasn’t Brain’s loft… “Our loft” he corrected himself immediately with a small smile. That was when everything hit home. Those first 6 weeks – every morning when he woke up, the first thought in his head was “Where am I? This isn’t the loft…” In the next 20 to 30 seconds he would relive everything that happened in the weeks before he moved here… The bombing… Brian’s long awaited moment of self discovery… “I love you…” His immediate 180 degree turn on certain opinions… “How about marrying me?” … The trip to West Virginia so Brian could show him the mansion he had bought for them… “You bought this? You bought this palace???” “It’s for my prince” The realization that neither of them was being completely honest with the other… “I don’t want to live with someone who sacrificed their life and called it love just to be with me…” “Neither do I …” And that last night before he left. It was one of the few times that Justin could say that they truly made love to each other… It was more than just fucking. Although, truth be told, it had been more than just fucking ever since they had gotten back together after the “Ethan incident”, but Brian would never have admitted to that back then. All of this would come crashing back on him every morning before he was even awake enough for it to register. It would weigh on the back of his mind all day without him even knowing it was there – ever present – riddling him with guilt and self doubt; and as he now looked at all of the paintings he had done in that time frame, he could see so much more. It was not just the guilt and self doubt that was present… there was an ominous tone to these paintings. There was a feeling of dread in each brush stroke. The only question that remained was WHAT was Justin dreading? Was it dread about starting over in a new place or his uncertain future? Or was he feeling such dread because he knew he had possibly made the biggest mistake of his life when he walked away that night? *********************************************************************************** He was already halfway through a bottle of Jim Beam. It had taken that much for Brian to muster up the courage to pick up the phone. He kept reminding himself that they really had not broken up. They still loved each other and wanted to be together, the timing was just not right at this point… Justin was almost finished cleaning up his studio apartment when the phone rang. He ran to the phone and picked it up. “Daphne? Where are you?” His heart nearly jumped out of his chest when he heard the reply... “Well, I don’t know where Daphne is, but I’m sitting here on my leather couch naked with the biggest hard-on I’ve had in ages…” Brian said in the sexiest voice he could find. “Brian?” Justin asked. Even though they had talked several times a week when he first moved up to New York, the calls had become fewer and fewer and it had now been months since either of them had called the other. Justin had heard that Brian had rebuilt the club. He assumed life had gone back to “normal” (or what Brian considered normal) and that was why he never heard from him anymore. Truth be told, the idea of that hurt so much, Justin had stopped calling for fear of catching Brian at a “bad time”. “Dare I ask who else might be calling you with such details?” Brian asked. He had never really been the jealous type before, but time and Jim Beam seemed to be changing that. In any event, the comment came across as snotty. It wasn’t the way it was intended of course, but, judging from Justin’s reply, that was definitely the way it had been received and Justin certainly did not appreciate it. “For the record,” Justin stated, “there are quite a few men that could be calling me with those details. There are plenty of men out there that want me!” He didn’t mean for his words to be so bitchy, but the months of silence and his assumptions about the reasons behind them had pushed to the forefront of his mind. Those facts plus the fact that this was the first time Brian had called him in months and he was already drunk and only had one thing on his mind was just too much for Justin to ignore. Brian could feel the anger welling up inside him. The sensitive part of his brain told him to get control before he spoke. After all, he knew Justin had probably taken his comment the wrong way. It was the other side of his brain, however, that had control of his mouth now. “Oh, I am sure there are plenty of guys that want you up there, Justin… I wouldn’t be surprised if you had them lined up outside your door. How else will you survive until you start selling your paintings…?” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he felt like a COMPLETE ass. He knew he needed to be slapped and hard! He knew Justin had not hung up yet – he could still hear him. He also knew he had really fucked up with that comment, he could hear it in the way Justin was breathing. He pulled himself into a sitting position immediately. He knew he had to try and fix this fast. “Justin? God, Justin, I didn’t mean that! You have to know I didn’t mean that! I don’t even know where the thought came from I swear!” He knew he was about one step away from groveling right now; but in this instance, he felt it was justified. Justin was standing there stunned. He felt like he had been kicked in the stomach and could feel a couple tears falling down his face. One of the main reasons he was in New York was because he didn’t want to just live off of Brian! He was so hurt and infuriated at that moment; it felt like the room was spinning. Distantly, he could hear Brian talking again. “Justin? Did you hear me? I swear I didn’t mean that! Talk to me dammit!” Justin took in a deep breath, closed his eyes, and replied, “Actually, Brian, I don’t think you would want me to say much right now… I think we will both be better off if I just hang up now before we both start saying things that we will regret…” With that, Justin slowly put the phone back on the cradle, leaving his hand on the receiver for an extra moment – almost as if he was using it to ground himself and get rid of the negative energy. Brian heard the phone disconnect and swallowed hard. Justin’s words were still hanging in the air… ” I think we will both be better off if I just hang up now before we both start saying things that we will regret…” Brian sighed as he hung up the phone. He pulled his knees to his chest, rested his chin on them and said out loud “Too late…” ************************************************************************************