Chapter 21 Brian heard the distant rumble of thunder over head, a clear warning that even though the rain had finally ceased for the moment more was sure to come. Brian sighed as he stepped up onto the Villibord’s patio. The cool night air clinging to him, mirroring the effect of his already drenched clothing, his steps were heavy, weighed down with the burden of unresolved feelings and helpless intentions. What had just happened between he and Justin? One moment he’d been sure that they’d finally pushed past some barrier only to have Justin erect it once more right in front of Brian’s eyes. Leaning against the vine covered column Brian stared out over the darkened garden that he’d just navigated. It was a complicated maze causing Brian to feel as though he were merely retracing the path he’d been walking since Justin had suddenly reappeared in his life. Little had he realized on that night just how much the blond had endured and how deeply the scars of those events had managed to embed themselves into Justin’s young and tender heart. He shuddered as the image of Justin standing out in the rain rushed back to him. Brian was out of his depth and he knew it. Somehow he’d hoped that if he could merely prove to the blond that he loved him, really loved him that somehow that knowledge would heal all the wounds left in the aftermath following Andy’s death. Never had Brian felt as helpless as he did at that moment. He’d always somehow believed that they’d find a way through the pain and grief but now he had no doubt that things with Justin were at an end. Justin was never going to recover because on some level the young blond didn’t want to recover, not fully anyway. He wanted, no needed, to sacrifice the rest of his life paying for some secret transgression that Brian suspected existed but could never prove that the blond had committed. “Brian?” Franck Villibord’s voice called from the center of the patio. Brian tensed startled that anyone else was still awake. “Taking a walk in the rain?” The Frenchman asked having already assessed Brian’s situation from his window above. Brian didn’t answer merely shook his head as he continued to keep his back to the other man. Franck advanced slowly knowing it was only a matter of time and distance until he had what he’d spent the night lying in bed hoping for. Once he reached Brian, Franck reached out tentatively stroking the American’s back. Brian shivered. Franck couldn’t help but wonder if the man was reacting to the cold or his touch. “Brian.” He beckoned once more; Franck’s warm lips brushing gently over the back of Brian’s neck. Brian turned allowing the man to claim his mouth. Pulling away he felt Villibord’s hand connect with his dripping shirt. An invitation, never spoken but issued all the same through lust filled eyes leading to a silent acceptance. Brian knew it was a mistake, that realization deepening with each of the twenty-nine steps the two men traveled until arriving at the main house. Brian knew this wasn’t the man he wanted or the body he longed to be inside of. He knew he should reach out, break the connection and put an end to the charade, but as old habits forced out new, an ominous rumble of thunder ended any indecision as Brian realized he was willing to take any port to escape the storm. ********* “There will come a time-“ “Shhh.” Justin reached out covering the other man’s lips with his fingers. Andy patiently waited in silence until Justin moved his hand away. “Not now, but one day-“The older man persisted giving his younger lover a knowing look. “Do we have to talk about this now?” Justin asked his discomfort evident. He didn’t want to talk about death and disease. He could hear the birds singing outside and wanted to enjoy a nice spring day in Paris. “Better now than later.” Andy argued having no time for lovely spring days. “Later.” Justin replied in earnest, he glanced over toward the window. “Justin, I’d rather you know my wishes now while I’m lucid.” With a sigh, Justin rolled onto his back not wanting to think about the dark days ahead. The mere thought of all that he would one day be facing was enough to throw him into a pit of despair. It was a place he found himself visiting more and more and dreaded the day when it would become his home. “There’s time.” Justin mumbled staring up at the ceiling. “Some people live a long time with HIV-" “Not R9 and you know it.” Andy was determined to be matter of fact and brave about this bit. Justin glanced over trying to respect the other man’s wishes. He rolled back onto his side so that they were once again facing one another on the bed. “You’ll know Love.” Andy assured him. “When the time has come, you’ll know.” Justin swallowed hard knowing what it was that Andy was asking, but even now in the light of day Justin doubted he had the capacity to honor his wish. “Andy-“ Andy reached out placing his head on Justin’s chest. “I don’t want to be a vegetable Justin. I don’t want to be a burden.” He offered. Justin started to protest but the older man stopped him. “I will be a burden before it’s all over.” He whispered against Justin’s soft skin. “We’ll both be captives here, in this dank dismal little flat.” He gestured to their home. Justin had never seen their home in that light before and wondered how he ever could. “Andy please.” There was such sorrow in Justin’s voice, such desperation, Andy felt his heart ache wishing he could spare the younger man from their joined destiny. “It’s okay mon cheri.” He cupped Justin chin forcing two tear filled blue eyes to meet his own. “I’m not afraid anymore.” Justin saw the resolve and truth shining back at him. “I’m not afraid of dying. It’s the last bit of living that I fear.” Justin bit his lip nodding. “I just don’t want to be in pain or worse a drug induced stupor waiting for my body to check out of life’s hotel.” He smiled but there was no humor in it. “I don’t think I can do it.” Justin offered honestly hating how weak he felt by the admission. “Of course you can.” Andy assured him. “You’re Justin Taylor. You can do anything.” His faith in the other man was humbling. Justin gave him a reassuring smile, one that he neither felt nor believed himself. Andy didn’t push the younger man any further. He knew in the end Justin’s compassion would save him from a horrible death. He knew that at the moment he looked healthy but appearances were deceiving. In time the disease would gain ground and when it did, Andy would begin to fade. He only hoped that Justin would spare him the indignity of a long and painful death. He didn’t want Justin’s last memory of him to involve vomit or stained sheets. It was going to get bad before he reached the point where Justin would feel it necessary to release him. Andy just hoped when he started to slip that he would slip fast into that great abyss. ********* Justin sat staring at the crumpled sketch. He’d found it wadded up in the far corner of the room where Brian had tossed it. He carefully straightened it and was now consumed by the angry eyes staring up at him. That was who Brian had been, or at least who he had tried to convince everyone that he was. Justin knew different. He’d seen it from their first night together. From the moment he’d looked up holding Gus, Justin had known that there was a huge heart inside that perfect body. Brian had just had the shit kicked out of him one too many times growing up to trust people with the truth. It had taken a long time for Justin to be allowed into that rare group that had the privilege of knowing the real Brian, the man beneath the leather. They’d had their bad times but all in all it had been good. Justin sometimes wondered why he’d left four years ago. After all he and Brian were partners, living together, in love, trying to work things out between them. Brian wasn’t monogamous but he had cut back on the number of tricks. Things weren’t that bad and yet the moment Brian had seen the ring that Justin had crafted their world had shifted. It was as if a bright light had been directed at their relationship and every flaw had been revealed. “You must hate me by now.” He whispered to the man in the sketch. He smiled running a finger over the curve of the man’s jaw. “You’re trying so hard to fix this and I really appreciate it but there’s nothing you can do. If you only knew…” Justin voice trailed off. Justin thought back to that night years ago when he’d sketch this particular portrait. He’d been unable to sleep on Lindsay and Mel’s couch. He’d tried but every time he closed his eyes all he could see was Brian and his southern fried trick fucking. Finally the blond had tossed off his blanket and grabbed his sketchbook. His hand had flown over the paper quickly, like a man possessed, the image coming to life before his eyes. Justin laid the sketch aside taking a deep breath before pushing off of the couch and moving to the window to stare out. Brian was out in the rain somewhere. Justin wondered if he should go looking for him, but knew even if he found him that there wasn’t much he had to offer that might bring him back to the cottage. No, Brian would make his way to the main house. It was the logical place to head in the storm, but where would he sleep? Justin was reminded of the looks Brian and Franck Villibord exchanged during dinner. The blond moved back up the stairs resigned to the fact that he’d just sent Brian to Franck Villibord’s bed. He tried to convince himself that he didn’t care, but knew that he was a lie. He’d always care. ********** Brian felt himself pushed against the wall of the room, his mouth consumed as Franck’s hands immediately went to work on his clothing. They both struggled against the wet fabric as they stumbled in the direction of Franck’s expansive bed. “I’ve wanted you since I first saw you.” Franck whispered against Brian’s swollen lips as he descended for another deep and penetrating kiss. Brian forced the image of Justin from his mind trying not to feel as though this was a betrayal. Justin didn’t want him. That was abundantly clear. Brian had all but thrown himself at the younger man now for months and yet they hadn’t fucked since they’d met up at Babylon. “I want you to fuck me.” Franck continued his voice pulling Brian back to the body in hand. He pulled away needing a moment to reset his mask as a sexual predator. Franck wiggled from his own pants tossing them aside and he reached once more for the sexy American. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d wanted someone this badly. Even this afternoon when Brian had made it clear that since he was with the blond that they wouldn’t be connecting, Franck had refused to give up hope. “I’m going to make you forget.” Franck continued as he worked down Brian’s body, his tongue tracing a path to Brian’s semi-erect cock. Taking it into his mouth Franck swallowed him whole. Brian gasped closing his mind to all thought as he allowed the old coping skills to take hold. He didn’t want to think about feelings. He didn’t want to talk about anything. He just wanted to fuck. It was simpler. It was clearer. It was what it was, hollow but momentarily satisfying. Brian thrust up into the willing man’s mouth clinging to the present, knowing if he allowed himself to dwell on anything beyond that very instant, he’d shatter, never to be whole again, that thought once more reminding him of Justin. *********** Justin stood staring out over the garden oblivious to the sounds of his co-workers enjoying their breakfast. His own plate lay untouched at the table where he’d abandoned it when Brian and Franck had emerged from the house together. Each man looking satisfied and well rested. Brian was wearing Franck’s clothing, no doubt his own strewn on the floor of the handsome Frenchman’s bedroom. Brian tried to ignore the look of hurt in the blond’s eyes as their gaze locked; Justin broke their connection and quietly moved to the edge of the patio. Brian felt the need to follow but ignored it unsure of how his presence would be welcomed by the blond. Justin stood feeling the sinking realization that he’d finally succeeded in pushing Brian away. It was what he’d hoped to do, but now that it appeared to have happened, it felt like a lead weight filling his gut. It was better this way. He’d accepted long ago that there was no future for them, not really. Oh sure he’d had his moments of hope, a ray of light from time to time, warming his frozen heart, but in the light of day it always seemed abundantly clear that Justin had nothing left to offer Brian, unless the brunet was into pain, guilt and regret. Brian watched for as long as he could stand it before moving to the edge coming to stand behind Justin. “It’s not what you think.” He offered quietly. Justin turned a small smile drawn upon his lips. He reached up lovingly and swept Brian’s hair out of his eyes. He loved Brian and even though he knew it was pointless to act upon it, he couldn’t help but bask in it for one selfish moment. “I think you’re going on with your life.” Justin offered sincerely. “It’s the right the thing.” Brian sighed in response surprised by Justin’s lack of concern over what might have happened in Franck Villibord’s room. Brian ground his teeth refusing to give into this urge to scream out that it wasn’t the right thing to do, that it was the wrong thing to do. He didn’t want Franck, he didn’t want to go on with his life, not without Justin. How could he do this again? How could he try one more time to convince Justin that he loved him? Staring into those pain filled baby blues Brian felt he had no choice, he had to try again. “You are my life Justin.” The admission caught the blond off guard and he found himself swallowing around the lump now filling his throat. “His clothing suits you.” Justin allowed his hand to moved down lovingly smoothing the silk jersey. Brian placed a finger over his lips halting any attempt to change the topics. “Justin, did you hear what I said?” Brian asked softly keeping his voice low feeling Franck’s eyes burning into his back. “I can’t be your life Brian.” Justin replied. “No matter how much I may have wanted that at one time, I can’t. I don’t really exist anymore. Surely you see that.” He moved up brushing a soft kiss to the older man’s lips before turning to make his way back to the cottage. Brian sighed running a hand through his hair as he watched Justin walk away once more. He felt Franck’s hands on his arms but refused to turn away from the sight of his life slipping away. Justin entered the cottage, a sob wracking his body as he shut the door behind him. “Let go.” Andy’s voice rasped threatening to give out once more. “I can’t.” Justin admitted weakly, fighting to maintain his fragile grip on his own sanity. “Please Justin, let me go.” He tried once more. “Andy-“Justin began his body feeling weak in the face of what the other man was asking. “I know what you’re doing. I know what it’s costing you.” Andy revealed hating that he was having to confront his lover this way. Justin refused to meet his gaze. “Do you think this is mercy Justin? Do you think you’re being good to me, selling yourself to buy me hours of mindless existence? Does that sound merciful? Do you think it’s worth what your risking? You think I want you risking yourself for my sake?” Andy pled, tears escaping as he spoke. “Do you think it will somehow make dying easier if I know I was the reason that you were infected?” Justin winced. Andy sighed. He had neither the time nor the strength to go back through that old argument. “It wasn’t your fault.” He stated as firmly has his strength allowed. “I pushed you away. I made you feel-“ Justin began the guilt eating away at him slowly, tearing him apart as it always did in the silence of the long dark nights. “Justin, let’s not go back over that. I’ve told you time and again that I was the one that fucked up. I was the one that raced out to teach you a lesson. It was an accident.” Andy sighed, feeling his strength leaving him. He had to find a way to convince Justin before his body failed him completely. “Baby, I’m ready. I need you to let me go. I’m ready to die. I want to.” Andy announced more than asked. “Please don’t say that.” Justin look up, his own face streaked with sorrow. “Just do it. It’s my final request. Make it stop Justin. Only you can make it all go away. Only you can end this agony.” Andy’s desperation was interrupted by a heartfelt sob from the younger man. “Please Justin. If you ever loved me-“ Justin dissolved then, sobs coming harder and faster as he collapsed next to what had once been a young healthy man, but now was shadow of the man he’d been. He felt the thin hand come up to his face, cupping his cheek. He wanted to crawl into Andy’s arms and escape the dark bleak apartment, the smell of death, the inevitability of what lay ahead, but knew that Andy’s embrace held no such respite. Andy’s hand was already cold and frail. Justin missed the slender strong fingers holding his hair as they made love in the wee hours of the morning, those same fingers entwined with his own as they walked along the paths in the park, those long strong fingers now gone replaced instead with skin stretched over bone. Andy was dying, but worse than that, Andy was dying a horrible death. “Justin.” Justin opened his eyes to find Brian on the floor, hands on his arms, concerned eyes piercing his own. “Justin.” He called again in confusion. Justin was startled by the man’s appearance as well as his persistence. How could he ever prove to Brian that he wasn’t the man that the brunet remembered? How could he once and for all make it clear to him that they had no future? Brian had to see all that he was capable of. He had to know. Justin realized it was time for the truth, the ugly bitter truth. It was the final step in his journey of isolation. He’d postponed it as long as he could, hoping that he would be spared the confession, but now he knew Brian would never walk away, not until he knew the truth. “Tell me.” Brian demanded. “Damn it Justin tell me what you’re hiding. Let me in those fucking walls.” “You want to know.” Justin offered in his moment of weakness. Justin reached up wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Brian hesitated for a moment feeling unsure for a moment before nodding. “Think about it.” Justin warned his voice suddenly like ice in Brian’s veins. “Justin-“ The older man protested finding Justin’s sudden shift alarming. “Once you hear it there will be no going back. You’ll never see me the way you once did. You’ll never feel the same way about me.” Justin held Brian’s gaze issuing a final warning. Brian realized that this was the chance he’d been waiting for. This was his chance to show the blond that nothing could change the way he felt for him. Justin sighed when it became obvious that Brian was not leaving nor was he going to rescind his request for the truth. Taking a deep breath Justin rolled his lips into his mouth then cleared his throat. Looking back up into deep hazel eyes, he began. “I didn’t have enough.” Justin began cryptically. “So I had to go back down there one last time.” He paused staring off over Brian’s shoulder as if seeing it unfold once more. “We called it Black Alley. It started as a joke when we first moved into our flat, but the last year there was nothing to laugh about.” Justin offered softly. “It was where the black marketer lived. He had things that weren’t available any where else.” He paused letting that sink in for a moment. He waited until he registered Brian’s suspicions before confirming them. “The marketer believed in a barter system and I guess that was a lucky fucking break for me, since I didn’t have any euros.” He shuddered involuntarily as he pressed on. “It got easier.” Brian felt his mouth go dry as he began pieces together what it was that Justin was confessing. “It didn’t last long, not usually, and then I had it, my vials of mercy.” The blond bit his lip. “It’s all about not feeling.” He observed. “I got to the point where I didn’t feel the hands anymore. All so that Andy didn’t have to feel death as it stalked him a little closer each day.” His voice was distant as he relived the last visit shuddering only slightly as the man’s drunken breath and stench came back to him. “At first it was humiliating. It felt so shameful, so low, but then when I realized it would be a regular occurrence I decided that I had to find a strategy if I was going to survive it, so I’d just disappear.” Brian furrowed his brow leading Justin to explain further. “You just leave your body but let your mind go elsewhere. It’s all about timing.” He met Brian’s eyes not in the least surprised by the shock he found there. “Yeah, that’s right. Your little sunshine was all grown up and selling his ass on the streets of Paris, for morphine.” Justin laughed bitterly, the sound dissolving into silent sobs. “Your little angel of mercy. Fucking whoever it took to get a fucking vial of medicine that might last two days. Two days of priceless peace.” He tried to move away but Brian held him in place. There would be no walking away, not this time. They were going to face this thing head on, get through it together. Justin sighed in resignation. He didn’t want to go on but knew now that he’d started he really had no choice. Brian deserved the truth so that he could walk away cleanly. “He was so weak.” Justin offered the anguish in his voice palpable. He reached up wiping his eyes once more. “I would sit there day after day watching him sleep, praying he would just slip away, but he never did. He hung on for days, weeks, a month.” He shook his head. “I knew what was coming. I knew what he expected, what he needed me to do. I just didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t want to. It was like giving up and it’s never really been in me to just give up on something.” He paused meeting Brian’s gaze. “Not really anyway.” Brian blinked his eyes slowly patiently waiting for Justin to continue. “So when I got back. I thought about taking a shower, but then realized it was better if I didn’t. It was a dirty deed, so why try to be clean when I did it? It seemed right that I smell like that pig who’d just fucked me. No sense trying to pretend anymore. Andy knew what I was, what I’d become.” He offered then continued not waiting for a reply. “I sat there on the bed listening to his breathing for the longest time. I would listen and then think okay I’ll do it after the next breath, but that would lead to another which led to another.” Justin took a shaky breath with two hiccupping sobs following. “But I knew if he woke, if he opened his eyes, I’d never be able to do it.” He admitted looking up into Brian’s eyes desperate for understanding. He found the look in the man’s eyes unreadable. It was happening. Brian was pulling away. He was repulsed. Justin felt a momentary surge of desperation as he tried to explain. “He was so sick Brian. The pain was terrible. He would have these coughing fits where he couldn’t breathe. It was so awful.” He pled with the older man. Brian furrowed his brow sensing Justin’s despair as he struggled to explain. “Justin, I can’t imagine.” He tried to calm the blond. “Of course you can’t!” Justin pushed away misunderstanding. “How could you? How could anyone understand what its like to watch someone you love die before your eyes, to fade away until all that is left is this hollow shell of pain and delusion?” Justin shook his head swallowing the lump that was in his throat. Brian stood paralyzed by Justin’s anguish. He was witnessing what it had been like for Justin, the panic, the desperation, the frantic feeling of trying to fix something that was unfixable, to right something that was wrong, terribly wrong, horrifically wrong. Struggling to help someone die, someone that he loved, no money to ease his pain, no hope to allay his fears, Brian shook his head then reached for the blond. Justin started to resist but Brian pulled him close. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.” Brian whispered into the blond’s hair. Brian tried to offer now the comfort that Justin had needed all those long lonely nights. Justin collapsed onto the older man’s chest feeling strong arms wrap around him, holding him tight. How he’d longed for such comfort and strength on that dark day a year ago. He surrendered his pain in that moment, his lithe body convulsing with sobs. Brian merely held him until the sobs abated. “I remember how amazed I was that it was over so quickly. I just filled the syringe like I always did but this time a little bit more.” Justin offered his voice now sounding much like a lost child. “His skin was so thin.” Justin marveled remembering how fragile Andy’s arm had been. “Then in three short breaths he was gone.” Justin pushed off of the older man’s chest. “He was gone before I even said goodbye.” He offered miserably. “The funny thing is that I thought it would somehow end it. I thought that somehow letting him go the way he’d wanted would release me, take this horrible feeling of guilt and remorse off of me, but it didn’t. If anything it slammed my cell door. It locked me inside, threw away the key. I knew the moment he left me that I would always be alone. Always be alone with this terrible, terrible secret.” Justin looked up into Brian’s eyes. “I killed him Brian. I killed him.” He admitted and felt himself pulled in once more engulfed by the older man’s strength. Brian struggled to maintain a grip on his own emotions, realizing how fragile Justin was and now finally understanding the reason. “I wish I had been there.” He offered once more. “But you were.” Justin replied pulling away to meet Brian’s gaze. “The sketches.” He offered innocently. “Every night…” His voice faded. Brian pulled him back into his arms. “You didn’t kill him Justin.” Brian whispered softly. “I did.” Justin argued weakly his voice muffled by Brian’s sweater. “No.” Brian assured him. He marveled at the strength he now held in his arms. A man so young, so small in stature, who stood as a giant among the men in his life, Brian felt humbled. “You gave him so much, Justin.” Brian whispered kissing the top of Justin’s head. He found himself thinking of all that Justin had confessed. The way he’d gotten the meds, the request he’d fulfilled, the deepening of his own guilt, it was overwhelming and yet completely within Justin’s character. “You gave him so much.” “I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t.” Justin sobbed softly his agony fraying the edges of Brian’s own control. “No you couldn’t save his life but you did save him. You did that. You did that bravely and honorably.” Brian argued “I overdosed a helpless man.” Justin argued back his fury evident in the passion of his appeal. “No Justin, you ended a helpless man’s pain and suffering. I’d have done the same for you. You would hopefully have done the same for me. It’s what Mikey will do one day for Ben and what Vic would have wanted from Deb. It isn’t about murder. It’s about mercy.” Brian sought out his eyes. “Can’t you see that? Can’t you see that it’s about compassion and mercy? You didn’t do it for you. You did it for him. He was ready to leave the party. Why shouldn’t he be allowed to choose when he wants to go?” “I miss him so much.” Justin confessed the words hoarse in his throat. “I miss him so fucking much. His laughter, his talent, his mind, his hands, his eyes.” Justin reached for Brian. “I never loved him like I love you but I did love him Brian. I loved him. I loved him.” He collapsed once more exhausted as the emotions he’d kept hidden all the long months came rushing to the surface eroding the last bit of resolve Justin had been clinging to. Brian slid down the wall taking Justin down with him. Brian sat,his arms secured around the slim blond his mind determined to adhere to Justin’s mantra as the blond whispered over and over, “Don’t let go. Don’t let go. Don’t let go.”