Chapter 11

Justin closed the door slumping back against it.  Slowly he slid down until he was sitting on the floor.  He buried his face into his hands and wept.  He heard his mother’s soft knock but ignored it.  He had neither the strength to convince her that he was alright nor the courage to explain why he wasn’t.  

He thought about Brian’s words, all the words he had spoken over the course of the night.  The admission had eased some of the suffering he still endured from old wounds but in some ways cut him deeper.  How was he suppose to endure the idea that it was all there for him, waiting, all that he’d ever allowed himself to want and hope for, it was there in Brian’s extended hand, so close and yet just out of his reach.

He thought of that night over three years ago. A night he’d planned down to the last detail.  He’d been so filled with hope and trepidation.  He could still hear the door as it slid open, Brian walking in wearing a charcoal grey Armani suit.  He’d looked over from the kitchen as Brian shuffled through the mail, their mail.  Everything was theirs now, no longer merely Brian’s.  Justin felt a moment of hesitation wondering why he felt the need for more.  Why he couldn’t just accept the progress that they had made?  After all Brian no longer shuddered at the word boyfriend.  He even openly referred to Justin as his partner in front of friends, family and co-workers, shouldn’t that be enough?  But it wasn’t.  Justin wanted more.  He wanted it all.  He blamed his upbringing for that.  He’d always managed to get his way growing up.  He never wanted for anything really.  Now he found that he longed for what everyone else who was living with the love of their life desired.  He wanted to be married, legally or illegally, he wanted it to be fair and equal.  

The dinner had been nice but Justin had honestly felt too nervous to enjoy it.  Brian had asked him a couple of times what was the matter, but Justin had managed to excuse it away.  They’d moved into the living room and that was when Justin had decided to make his move.  He’d pulled the ring out and approached Brian.  He could still remember the amused smile on Brian’s face as he moved closer.  It was obvious that Brian thought that dessert would consist of an amazing blowjob but when Justin went to one knee, Brian’s expression had suddenly gone from amused to confused until finally settling on concerned.  

Justin shuddered hugging his knees to his chest as the memory washed over him.  He vaguely remembered laying the box holding the offensive object on the coffee table.  He’d pushed himself up from his knee.  He didn’t really remember any of that very clearly. It was like looking though a thick fog when he tried to see it.  It was as if there had been some sort of noise in the background.  He seemed to remember a constant buzzing in his head.   He did remember though how stiff his legs had felt walking to the door, how heavy it had been to pull it back, how final the sound had been when he’d slammed it behind him.  

“Justin?”  Jennifer’s voice filled with concern came again.  

“I’m okay.”  He managed weakly then coughed and cleared his throat repeating his assurance.  

“I want to see you.”  She spoke through the door trying the handle and finding it locked.

“No.”  He replied.  “I just want to be left alone.”  He replied weakly.  He’d never meant the words more in his life. 

He pushed up from the floor and began removing his clothing.  Once he was naked he slid between the sheets and closed his eyes trying to block out all the words as Brian’s voice melded with Andy’s each one calling his name, alternating between affection and accusation.  He’d seen the same look of confusion in their eyes.  The same look of reproach and distain coming at him from both blue and hazel eyes.  His accusers both staring at him with confusion and resentment and why shouldn’t they resent him?  After all Justin’s refusal to accept and be happy with what either man offered had cost one man his happiness and the other his life.
 
Justin pulled his pillow tighter over his face hoping it would absorb the sob. He wanted to run, to hide,  but suddenly felt too exhausted.   He closed his eyes and prayed for escape.