Book 5 Chapter 10 He stared at the hard cold stone and the still settling earth and found himself wondering what might have been. What would it have been like for them had they had more time? He felt cheated but not in the way he had suspected that he would. There were sounds in the distance but he knew before he turned to see what was causing the ripple in the silence, he had to find some way to set aside the bitterness that consumed him at the moment. How could he let go of what he had hoped, believed and clung to for so long. It was like coming awake after the bashing all over again. As if he had fallen asleep four years ago and was now seeing a reality that he’d never expected. To lose someone that you loved was one thing, but to have to endure that loss again was more than Justin had ever expected to face before hitting his mid twenties. He felt tired and found it hard to trust and yet he knew if he was to fully survive, to fully lay hold of his life again, he had to find a way to trust, to love, and to feel joy for the gift of love. He knew he was blessed. He knew that though the past lay broken in shards of shadowed memories, that the future truly was a bright beacon of hope, reaching out to him, calling him forward out of the night and into the promise of a new day. ********************************************* Everything had gone black. In an instant, everything had gone black. One moment he was going to Reinhold then everything had gone black. He could remember the sound of the gun and the weight of the body falling on his but that was it. He remembered moving to touch his head where it was throbbing. He must have knocked himself out on the floor when they fell. He heard a sharp gasp as he forced his eyes open and met surprised and elated baby blues. “You’re alive.” Justin ripped open Brian’s shirt and began laughing with relief as he realized that Brian hadn’t been shot. He hadn’t noticed that Reinhold hadn’t moved from the spot on the floor were Horvath had laid him. Glancing over, he watched as Horvath covered Reinhold with a blanket from the couch. “It was the sharp shooter.” Horvath commented. “It went clean through. I don’t know how it missed you, Brian.” Justin began searching once more for an entrance wound but Brian sought his hands, holding them still until Justin’s worried gazed finally settled on his face. “I’m okay.” Brian whispered hoarsely, his head still aching even as his body was flooded by relief. Justin fell into his arms as they lay on the floor for a long moment, ignoring the officers who were now moving about the room, ignoring the triumphant yell of Michael from the other side of the room. None of it mattered, no one else mattered. They had once again cheated the odds. They had once again shown that their abiding love as each other by willingly laying down their lives for one another. Brian pulled back as Justin helped him to sit up. There was still so much to talk about, so many things to work through, but for now it was enough that they were both safe. The future was still theirs to have and to hold. Brian reached for Justin and pulled him close once more. “Justin.” He stated the name reverently. Justin gave him a soft smile. “I love you.” “I love you too Brian.” He replied, then brought their lips together, repeating over and over the truth that their bodies had known since that first night when they’d met on Liberty Avenue. Some call it luck, some call it fate, but to Brian and to Justin it was their future and despite the odds, they were still here, still together, exactly where they both belonged. **************************** Stephen squealed with delight causing his father to look over. Brian was busy playing a game of tag with the little blond and Gus. Gus understood that Stephen was now his little brother and was always quick to protect him. Gus helped his little brother by hiding him behind a tombstone as he tried to convince Brian to chase him instead. Justin turned his attention back to look once more at Ethan’s headstone. He’d tried to learn more of Ethan’s dealings from both Rachel and from his manager. Both had known of Mark, but Rachel had never heard Ethan mention him except as an avid fan. She continued to insist that Ethan had loved both Justin and Stephen exclusively. Ethan’s manager had been more informed as to Ethan and Mark’s relationship. He’d known and even assisted at times, insuring that the two men saw one another. Justin had felt gutted by the admission until the man had reluctantly admitted that Ethan had merely been using Mark to get the performances that he needed to boost his career. Justin was disgusted by the betrayal. Mark Reinhold and he would always be linked as co-victims of Ethan’s manipulation and self absorption. Justin felt foolish and used. He wondered how he could have ever been so blind to what had been happening right under his nose. “I guess we see what we want to.” Justin whispered softly. “It wasn’t like that.” Ethan pleaded standing behind the stone. Justin was long past being able to hear the man. “I wish I could explain. It was all about finding a way to have a normal life with you.” Ethan reached out, his hand passed through Justin’s hair. Justin turned toward the breeze that flowed through his hair. He didn’t want to hate Ethan, not really. He was hurt but knew that it was important for Stephen’s sake that he make peace with his memory of the man. Stephen would look to him to know what his Papa was like and Justin had to remember the good things. “I loved you.” Ethan whispered. “You always loved him.” He glanced over in the direction of the tall handsome man now picking up a delighted Stephen. “Isn’t that betrayal?” Ethan asked knowing he wouldn’t get a response. “I was faithful to you.” Justin whispered. “As much I wanted him, I was faithful to you.” Ethan felt his hopes buoyed at the response. Perhaps Justin could still hear him. “Justin please.” He pleaded then realized that it was merely a coincidence that the man had spoken. “I have to go on now Ethan. I’ll never really understand why you did what you did. I’ll never see you as I once did, but I promise for our son’s sake that I’ll never utter a word against you in front of him. I owe him that much. I owe you nothing. I gave you those years trusting and believing, struggling in the shadows while you walked all over the promises that you had made to me. “ Ethan longed to hold the man to comfort him. He longed to take back the pain that he now saw so clearly in the clear blue eyes he’d loved so much. “I’m with Brian. I’m where I should always have been. I’ll never know why I left or more importantly, why I stayed away for so long when he was the one that I really wanted.” Justin paused thinking of Brian for a moment. “I love him, Ethan and I know he loves me. I’ll bring Stephen here from time to time. I’ll play your music so he will know who you were. It’s all I can offer now, because after everything that happened with Reinhold, I’m not sure I ever knew you, not really. But I know Brian.” Justin looked over lovingly at the man who was now being buried under to small bodies determined to wrestle him to the ground. Justin smirked then turned back. “He isn’t perfect, in spite of what he thinks, but he’s what I want, what I’ve always wanted and the person I plan on living the rest of my life loving.” Justin rose from the cool ground, watching as the wind rustled through the leaves, Fall fully in the air now. He placed a small stone on the top of the headstone, failing to feel Ethan’s touch as he reach out and brushed against the blonde’s hand. He stared at the rock for a long moment then sighed deeply, closing his eyes and releasing the pain he’d been holding on to for the last few weeks. “Goodbye Ethan.” Justin whispered, his voice filled with resolve. He then turned and made his way to the entrance of the cemetery where the game of tag had resumed. Brian held Stephen aloft as they both diligently pursued an elusive Gus. Justin felt a tug on his heart that made him feel the need to turn back one last time, but he chose to ignore it. Instead he moved steadily toward the sound of Brian’s laughter, realizing that as clichéd as it might sound, that today marked the first day of his life. Life was a constant cycle as one thing ceased and another started. The cool autumn wind swept through whirling the fallen leaves around Justin’s feet. Today was more than just a day to finally let go of the past. It was a day to grab hold of his future. It was the day where his life with Ethan was ending and the life he’d always dreamt of having with Brian was finally beginning. ********************************* How do I begin to thank all of the many readers who have faithfully invested so much of their time over the last few months? I know it has been quite the journey. It is my sincere hope that now that we have reached the end of it, each of you feels that the final destination justified the journey. Thanks to all of you who took the time to send me feedback. Each comment gave me insights to consider and encouragement that I needed. You will never know how much your comments helped to strengthen the story line and keep in on track. It is an amazing relationship that we share. I appreciate your willingness to suspend the reality of the show and come along on the path not taken. Thank you all again for your support and encouragement. It was my goal that upon finishing this chapter you would all feel satisfied with your investment of time. I wanted it to be one of those moments where you come to the end of a book, you smile, sigh, and close it, feeling it has been worth your time and effort. If you didn’t have that experience, I apologize for failing to meet your expectations, if you did though, I can’t begin to tell you how much that means to me as a writer. Happy endings do happen, we just have to look for them and when life seems determined not to hand them out, we have to find a way to create them. Rest assured if we don’t get what we want on the show, I will no doubt feel compelled to crank up the computer and set out once more to create one. A special thanks to Elsa for giving me the courage to post this story on the internet and also to Lois, who takes my confused ramblings and some how manages to make it all make sense. You are the best and I’m grateful for your time and talent!!! Thanks again With deepest respect, Mouse