Endings and Beginnings

Book 5 Chapter 3

Mark couldn’t believe his luck as he watched the man walk in. He glanced around the near empty bar assessing his chances with the brunet. He had accepted long ago that words like “hot” and “sexy” would never fall in or around his name, but after a quick glance around Woody’s it was obvious to Mark that he was now one of the best of the available lot. 

He slammed back the rest of his drink grateful that he hadn’t overdone it and moved to the bar. He eased onto the stool next to Kinney waiting to be noticed. Brian threw back his own shot then turned to survey the crowd. Mark continued to stare in the mirror behind the bar intrigued by the man next to him. He wondered where poor little Justin was and if the blond had any idea that his lover was out on the prowl. 

Brian sighed then turned back motioning for another shot. Mark figured it would be his best opportunity so he took it. 

“Not much here.” He stated staring down at the bar. He glanced up wondering if the man had even heard him. Brian threw back the next shot then slammed the glass down. 

“Let’s go.” Brian ordered as he stood, still refusing to acknowledging the man. Mark felt unsure and resented feeling that way as he awkwardly climbed down from the stool. 

He watched as Kinney threw a couple of bills on the bar then headed for the bathroom. Mark fought the feeling of disgust as he realized he would be on his knees in that bathroom in a matter of minutes. He considered all that was on the floor of that particular location and tried to come up with alternate locales they might use. 

Brian pushed through the door then headed for the far wall. Mark timidly followed. This wasn’t exactly how he had planned it. He had planned on a little more talk, a little more information he might use against the blond. He was surprised when Kinney reached for him pushing him to his knees. He hesitated as he looked up into glazed hazel eyes. His breath caught at the sight of Brian Kinney, he really was a beautiful man. 

“Get to it.” Brian ordered glaring down at Mark. There was something compelling about the man’s take charge attitude. Mark had never had a man speak to him that way before and as much as he hated to admit it, he found it very arousing. He unzipped the tight jeans and slid them down just enough to free Brian’s erection. Using all the skill he’d mastered with Ethan, he went to work. After quite a while he felt the other man push him away with obvious disgust. Mark stared up in confusion. “You suck at this.” Brian spat. “And not in a life affirming way.” He sneered. 

“I can do better.” Mark assured him. “I was just getting warmed up.” He offered. It sounded as lame as it felt. Brian smirked. 

“No thanks. Go take some lessons then come back and find me when you know what the hell you’re doing.” He pushed past Mark and headed for the bathroom door. Mark sat stunned as he watched him leave. 

Mark slowly made his way back to his feet. Ethan had never complained about his technique. Ethan had never pushed him away like that. Mark moved to brush the dust off of his pants then froze. Something wet was covering the back of his pants. He shuddered and headed for the door. He would go home, strip and toss the pants out. He didn’t want to think about Kinney, techniques or more importantly what the hell he had just sat in.

*************************************

When Brian pulled back the door he was surprised to find Justin awake. He rolled his lips into his mouth as he slid the door shut. He watched Justin’s silhouette, dark against the light of the windows. Brian wondered how long the younger man had been awake and what he was doing up staring out the windows at this hour. 

“Have a good time?” Justin asked causing Brian’s defenses to fortify. 

“Not really.” Brian replied honestly. Justin continued to stand with his back to the man. Brian carefully navigated the dark room until he was standing behind Justin. “What are you doing up?” He asked wondering if he dared to touch Justin.

“What are you doing out?” Justin replied his irritation evident. Brian retracted the hand he had intended to wrap around Justin’s waist. He moved to the window ledge and sat down facing his lover. He looked up into the man’s face which was illuminated by the light from the street. Justin looked angry. 

“I just needed some air.” Justin glanced down huffing out an indignant laugh as he did so. 

“Air? Don’t you mean blow job? Or was it a fuck?” His eyes met Brian’s. Brian felt defensive and resented that feeling. 

“None of your business.” He rose but Justin’s arm shot out stopping him.

“Yes, Brian. It is my business. You’ve made it my business. You said we were together.” 

“We are.” Brian defended. 

“Really?” Justin asked. “Is that right?”

“Fuck, Justin. Yes, that is right.” Brian condescended. 

“Then what are you doing running out in the middle of the night to get your dick sucked?” He accused. 

“I’m not running.” Brian replied hotly.

“Your running as fast and as far away from us as you can manage. You can’t stand it can you?” Justin asked and Brian realized that the conversation was no longer about blow jobs but about what had happened earlier with Stephen. He wanted to play stupid but knew Justin would never allow him to get away with that, so instead he decided to lay all his cards on the table. 

“No, I can’t.” He replied. Justin recoiled as if he had been struck by the older man. “Justin, it’s not what you think.” Brian excused. 

“What is it then?” Justin asked hoping Brian could somehow make up for his last remark. 

“Family means different things to people. My memory of fathers and family isn’t what yours is.” He offered wishing he had the words to make this clear that it wasn’t about his love for Stephen but his fear of fucking the boy up. 

“Don’t you see how important this is?” Justin demanded. “What he said to you tonight, it means that he is healing. He’s going on. He’s loving you. He won’t always have this hole in his heart that Ethan used to fill.” Justin argued. “He needs you.” 

“I don’t want him to need me.” Brian demanded. “I never asked for that. I never wanted it.” 

“Fuck you Brian.” Justin spat. “I told you from the beginning my life is different now. I made it clear that we were a package deal. My son needs a father, I need a partner. You acted like you understood that.” He released Brian’s arm turning back to the window trying to decide what to do next. He had thought that they were past all of this. Justin couldn’t understand what had changed. 

“Justin.” Brian moved up behind the other man placing his hands on the other man’s shoulders. He felt the other man tense under his touch. He leaned down resting his forehead on the back of Justin’s head. “I’m a terrible father.” He offered. “Look at Gus. I don’t spend half the time I should with him. Sometimes when he’s telling about what he likes, I have no idea what he’s even talking about. I have no instincts. I never had a decent father to learn from.” Justin moved away, violently shaking free of the man’s touch.

“How convenient.” He hissed. “My childhood sucked. My father was an asshole.” He mocked sarcastically. “I can’t possibly do better, I’m too full of shit and excuses.” He moved away stomping up to the bedroom. 

“Justin.” Brian called. He heard Stephen jerk in his sleep and glanced over hoping he hadn’t woken the boy. He moved past the bed and up into the bedroom where he found Justin gathering up the few items he had unpacked. “Oh perfect.” Brian threw up his hands in exasperation. “Leave. It’s what you do best.” 

“Fuck. You.” Justin returned storming into the bathroom. 

“Yeah, Justin this just solves everything. Tell you what, why don’t you run to Max, I bet he’ll give you shoulder to cry on, maybe even put on some violin music to get you in the mood.” Justin stood in the bathroom doorway stunned. Brian shook his head. “I didn’t mean that.” He offered. “I’m just upset.” Justin nodded dropping the duffle he had been carrying. 

“We’re right back where we were.” Justin mumbled as he walked to the edge of the bed and sat down. Brian sat down next to him. “I expect too much and you want too little.” His voice was soft but hollow. “How did we get here again?” He glanced over at Brian. 

“I don’t know.” Brian replied feeling totally lost. 

“I don’t want to wake Stephen. We’ll just leave tomorrow.” He began crawling up the bed then collapsed onto his pillow. Brian watched him go wishing he knew what to say. He couldn’t let it play out as it had so many other times before. He couldn’t go back to what it had been like the last time they split apart. He heard Justin sniff and knew that he was hiding the fact that he was crying. Justin was funny that way. Since their first year together he’d always tried to hide his tears. Brian moved up behind him and pulled him back into his arms. He was relieved that Justin came willingly.

“It’s just that I love you so much.” Justin’s voice cut through the darkness surrounding the two men. “I want share all I have with you and Stephen is a huge part of that.” 

“I know that Justin.” Brian replied. “I just don’t want to –“

“Let him down?” Justin asked turning in his arms to look into his hazel eyes getting the confirmation he was seeking. “What do you think you’re doing now?” Brian cringed. Justin cupped the man’s face refusing to allow him to look away. “He can handle your screw ups and a few disappointments, he’s tough, but he can’t handle your rejection, Brian, he can’t survive having your love one minute then losing it the next.” Justin’s eyes continued to search Brian’s. “Do you love him Brian?” He asked his voice breaking with emotion. Brian swallowed around the lump that was now forming in his throat. He nodded not trusting his voice. “Do you love me?” Justin whispered needing to know once and for all that Brian was either in or out. 

“Yes.” He whispered bringing a sad smile to Justin’s lips. 

“That’s all we want Brian. That’s all we want in the whole wide world. Just love us. Fuck up, make mistakes, say and do stupid things, but don’t stop loving us and we promise not to stop loving you. That’s a family Brian. That’s what we are. Like it or not, you’re already in this thing and there’s no going back. I know its(IT’S) harder finding your own way than doing what everyone expects you to do. Everyone is probably taking bets on how long it will be before we self destruct, but I think we can make it. I know that scares the shit out of you but you’re not alone. I won’t leave you. Just love me.” Tears fell softly down Justin’s cheeks as his desperation to hold on to Brian warred with his need to protect his son. 

Brian pulled the blond down into a soft and tender kiss. 

“What if I hurt you? What if I hurt Stephen?” He asked as he pulled back. 

“You will.” Justin replied kissing Brian once more. “And I’m sure that we will hurt you as well. It’s all part of it. The good and the bad. You’ve only had the bad Brian. Let us show you how good it can be.” Brian felt his own tears, then as deep within, he recognized some small hope come back to life. It was the hope of a child long rejected and unloved. It was a longing to be a part of something safe, secure and accepting. It was a desperation to belong, to have a place that was just his and his alone. And in Justin’s arm, Brian finally realized he had that place. He wondered if this was what it truly felt like to be home. 

“Papa.” Stephen’s voice startled both men as the little boy struggled up into the bed, squirming his way determinedly between them. He rested his head on Brian’s chest stealing his Father’s spot. Brian gave Justin an understanding look then hugged the little boy to him. 

“You okay Sunny Boy?” Stephen shook his head as he gave a huge yawn and snuggled deeper into his Papa’s chest. “Yeah you are.” Brian reassured the dozing boy. “You’re okay. I’ve got you.” He whispered. 

Justin watched from the edge of the bed as Stephen quickly fell back to sleep in Brian’s arms. It was a risk he was taking with his son. Stephen would be hurt worse if things fell apart months or years from tonight, but Justin couldn’t think about that. He couldn’t live his life based on what might happen. That was a lesson he had learned this past year. He’d learned that sometimes tomorrow never comes and that each day is a gift in and of itself. 

Watching his son sleeping peacefully in Brian’s arms, Justin wondered what kind of father Ethan would have been. He had always been so attentive to Stephen in the beginning but in the last few months before his death, the career had stolen all of his spare time. They’d hardly seen Ethan and then he was gone. 

Justin moved up to take his place at Brian’s side as they gently moved Stephen in between their bodies. 

“He’s so beautiful.” Brian whispered, kissing the top of Stephen’s head. 

“Yep, he is.” Justin agreed. “Our son is beautiful.” Brian looked up, their eyes meeting for a long moment. He recognized what Justin was offering and somehow knew that he couldn’t let it pass him by again. 

“You’re okay.” Brian continued to sooth the sleeping boy. “Papa’s got you.”

*****************************

Mark stood half naked, his pants that he had tossed out of the window upon returning to his apartment were staring up at him from the sidewalk below. He was furious. He couldn’t believe the nerve of Kinney pushing him away like that. Who did the man think he was? Mark gave the pants one last look before moving away from the window. 

He slumped on the couch opening the case that was seated on the far end. Pulling out the handgun he admired the power and style of it. It really was a work of art. He laughed softly as he realized he would be destroying an artist with this particular work of art. 

Before tonight he had honestly felt slightly bad about killing Kinney to get back at Justin but now after the way the man had treated him at Woody’s, Mark was looking forward to it. The ground breaking ceremony was coming up in a few days. He wondered if Justin would recognize his face. He’d seen the blond dozens of times over the last three years but the unobservant blonde had refused to put two and two together. Ethan had assured him that his partner wasn’t an idiot but Mark had always had his doubts. 

He’d always considered Justin the dingy blond that Ethan fucked. Not truly the musician’s equal in any way, he’d merely seduced Ethan with his aesthetically pleasing looks. Ethan had fallen under Justin’s spell unaware that that innocent infatuation would eventually turn into a prison sentence. 

Mark remembered back to New York City when he had lived in the apartment next door to Ethan and the blond. He would lie in bed alone listening to the two men having sex and pretend that it was his name that Ethan was calling. Night after night, Mark would lay there his eyes closed feeling Ethan’s breath on his neck, his hands in his hair, his lips on Mark’s mouth. Mark moved his hand down to the waistband of his brief and slid his hand below it. He began stroking himself as he remembered the way Ethan’s voice would ring out, the moans coming from the blond would melt into Mark’s own pleas for release. 

Mark lost himself in the memory of it. The hopes and dreams that sustained him through those long lonely nights. The knowledge that one day Ethan would be his and that they would have the life that they had deserved. It was all just about patience and biding his time.

“Time, Mark. I just need a little more time then we can be together forever. If you could fund the trip to Venice, I think I would be established enough to make the break. If you could just fund the trip to LA. If you could just fund the trip to London. If you could just—“ Mark could hear Ethan’s soft sensual request. Each time Mark would feel the same gnawing disappointment that more time was needed and at the same time a renewed hope that this concert would be the one to put Ethan over the top. It would be the one to liberate him and their love.

His mind traveled over their many nights spent together in first one and then another location. Their final night together had been in Venice. It had been a beautiful tender memory that Mark rarely revisited. Like some rare precious jewel, he found himself afraid that if he touched it too often it would lose the glow it seemed to cast amongst his other memories of the musician. 

They’d made love until an hour before Ethan’s flight. They’d both known he would be back once he settled things with the blond, but they just hadn’t been able to get enough of one another. Mark had assured Ethan that he had started the procedure that would transfer funds into an account in Ethan’s name. It had been Ethan’s idea. He’d wanted to avoid being seen as a kept boy once news of their affair became public knowledge. He didn’t want Mark’s name or reputation damaged. Mark smiled thinking of his lost lover. Ethan had always thought of Mark first. Always trying to protect him, trying to make time to be with him, and making him feel special. 

Mark had been so excited seeing Ethan off at the airport. Everything had finally been put into place, and in just a matter of days they would be together foreva, as Ethan always said, but then in a flash it had all ended. All the planning and hoping destroyed in the squeal of brakes and shattering of glass. 

Mark released himself, unable to reach any climax. That was how it had been ever since that night. Without Ethan, Mark found he could no longer feel anything. He had no joy or pleasure, no happiness or satisfaction. All he had was a thirst for revenge at any cost against the man who had stolen his life away. In a week, he’d have his revenge and then maybe he would allow himself a brief moment of satisfaction. Maybe then he would be able to finally put the pain behind him and go on with his life, secure in the knowledge that Justin Taylor was suffering the same hollow existence that Mark now endured.

*******************************

Richard Hobbs sat in the darkened living room, Maker’s Mark resting in the crystal glass. He rolled the glass oblivious to the sound of the ice cubes breaking the silence of the room. He’d been sitting in the dark now for over two hours thinking, trying to find some explanation for why his son had been down on Liberty Avenue. 

“Richard?” Marlene’s voice called softly from the staircase. Richard considered ignoring his wife’s voice but knew she would find him eventually. He took a slow drink from his glass before replying.

“I’m in here.” He offered firmly. He heard her steps as she continued down the staircase and entered the formal living area. She flipped on the light causing him to squint at the sudden bright invasion. 

“Why are you sitting in the dark?” She asked, her confusion mixed with mild amusement. 

“Turn the lights back off.” He ordered. She ignored his command as she took the chair opposite his. 

“Why are you sitting here in the dark?” She asked once more.

“I’m thinking and it seemed appropriate.” He took another long drink enjoying the slow burn of the whiskey as it scored down his throat. 

“Am I supposed to understand that?” She asked irritably.

“Police came to see our son today, a detective.” He announced watching his wife as she leaned over the edge of her chair, her concern evident. 

“What did they want?” She asked her voice now hushed in a whisper. It was as if she didn’t want the neighbors to hear. Richard found it pathetically amusing. 

“Seems Chris was spotted down in Fag Land and even sent that degenerate that showed up at his prom some baseball tickets.” Richard rose to fill his glass once more letting his words sink in. “I lied about Chris’ whereabouts. If they show up here he was at home night before last, with us, all night.” Marlene registered the information but continued to consider what it was that Richard was really saying. 

“Why do you think he was down there?” She asked wondering if this was the night that they would finally have the conversation she had been expecting for the last five years.

Richard remained silent refusing to verbalize what he had been sitting in the dark contemplating. Marlene shifted uneasily in her chair. A part of her wanted to discuss the issue that had been hanging over them for years now but another part feared for her son once they did. She had heard about Justin Taylor through the social grapevine. She knew that once he came out he was thrown out of his home, Jennifer Taylor had divorced her husband and now worked as a real estate agent. Marlene wondered what would become of her if Richard responded like Craig Taylor had. 

She felt so sorry for both Jennifer and Justin after the incident. She’d wanted to call, send flowers, do something supportive but the lawyer had warned her that any such action would only result in making Chris look more guilty. 

He was guilty. Marlene thought once more as she had all those years before. She’d been shocked when the call had come from the police station. Her son arrested for assaulting another student. When they’d arrived at the police station Chris had been non-responsive. They’d taken him home after posting his bail. It had been two days later before Chris had finally broken down in front of her. 

She’s come into his room with milk and cookies and found him staring out the window at the backyard. 

“He’s in a coma.” He had stated, his voice hoarse from disuse. She noted the cordless phone on his bed. 

“Eat something.” She offered. “You will feel better.” She knew that she was swimming way out of her depth as a mother. 

“I don’t know what I was thinking.” His voice was so distant and haunted. “I would never hurt him.” She had noted the slight revelation of more affection than mere denial in his words. 

“Chris?” She’d reached out hoping beyond hope that he would dispel what she knew now was the truth. He had turned to her, the answer plain in his eyes. He was in love with Justin Taylor, had flown into a jealous rage and attempted to kill him. It had been a crime of passion. Marlene knew that it would be a plausible defense if the Taylor boy died. It might even save him from life imprisonment, but in saving his life, he would lose it. Richard would never accept his son as a homosexual. She’d felt both fear and sympathy as she watched him turn back to the window. 

“I knew it was a mistake for him to come back here after college. He needs to get out of this town and away from that fag.” Richard’s voice shook Marlene from her own thoughts. 

“You really think Justin Taylor is the problem?” She asked her tone making her opinion on the issue evident. 

“Marlene.” Richard warned. Marlene sighed then rose from her chair. Richard was dealing with it the only way he knew how, badly. 

“Maybe you’re right Sweetheart.” She acquiesced. After all if Chris was out from under Richard’s thumb, perhaps he would find the courage to be himself without fear of losing his Father’s approval. Marlene made her way over to her husband. She reached out removing this glass and downing the whiskey in one gulp. Without another word she turned and left the room, turning out the light as she did so. 



****************************