*** As always a big thanks to Lois for her help and for her assistance in getting the last scene of this chapter coherent. Also a big thanks to Memphis for talking me through it. Memphis you rock and Lois you rule! Sorry this one took so long, it was really difficult to get it right. Hope you enjoy it********* the mouse Endings and Beginnings - Book 4 Chapter 10 Justin wasn't sure how they had gotten to the couch but he was so grateful to be in Brian's arms it didn't seem to matter. He felt weak though. He knew that Brian needed someone to lean on as well, but as much as he had intended to be that person Justin knew he couldn't at the moment. He felt as if someone had sucked all the strength from his body. On his way home from the Diner he had rehearsed several different ways of breaking the news to Brian, but with each passing mile he'd grown more and more affected by the sight of Hobbs himself. Why had he been there? Why was he on Liberty ? What more could he want? Justin shuddered involuntarily and felt Brian tighten his arms around his trembling body. “I'm sorry.” Justin mumbled. “I didn't mean for it to just come out that way.” He pulled back slightly. “I'm sorry.” His eyes met Brian's. Brian shook his head dismissing Justin's regret. “I already knew.” Brian admitted pulling the man tighter still to his body. Justin was surprised by the news and started to pull back again but Brian held him firmly in place. “Ted just broke the news about an hour ago. Apparently Vic and Emmett saw Hobbs the Monday after we got back together.” Justin nodded not really processing any of the information, just filing it away for now. All he could really think about at the moment was the sight of Hobbs and the feel of Brian's arms around him. “I'm such a gutless fairy.” Justin stated feeling disgusted with himself. He moved away from Brian and stood. “Justin—“ Brian protested. “Stephen's hungry.” The blond replied heading over to the discarded sacks. “I have no idea when I put these here.” He laughed but there was no humor in it. “I don't remember anything except that Stephen wanted water.” He paused, furrowing his brow. “I did get him some water didn't I?” He asked. Justin's voice sounded so lost and shaken Brian nodded, not trusting his own voice to answer. He watched as Justin picked up the sacks and began carrying them into the kitchen. Perhaps it was good that he concentrate on Stephen right now. Justin needed to think about something besides Hobbs . Brian picked up Stephen from the floor where he had been finishing his cup of water and playing with Mo. Stephen offered his cup to Brian who in turn pretended to take a drink. “Daddy?” Stephen pointed toward the kitchen his voice concerned. “Sad?” “He's okay.” Brian tried to reassure the baby. “Daddy sad.” Stephen pointed to his father as Justin busily worked to get a plate of food for is son. “Yeah.” Brian kissed his hand then nodded. “Daddy's sad.” “Bwi sad?” Stephen asked. “No.” Brian replied. “Brian's not sad. He's mad.” “Bwi mad at Seevin.” Stephen asked his concern deepening. “No, Brian's never mad at you .” He kissed his cheek as they made their way into the kitchen. “Brian's mad at the person who made your daddy sad.” Stephen accepted Brian's words without question, then reached for his father as soon as Justin was close enough to take him. “Don't be sad daddy.” He hugged Justin fiercely. “I'm okay.” Justin tried to reassure his son, but the loving reassurance threatened to pull him back under as tears began to sting his eyes. Justin cleared his throat as he pulled Stephen away slightly and gave him a smile. “I'm okay baby.” He continued his voice much stronger. Stephen didn't seem completely convinced, so he hugged his Daddy once more needing to be reassured himself. He knew something wasn't right. His Daddy was sad and Bwi was mad and he just felt scared like when he saw a big dog. “You hungry?” Justin asked. Stephen nodded and reached for Brian once more who took him. Stephen was trying to figure out who could take the fear away and so far neither man seemed to be helping. Justin watched his son closely and knew he had to pull it together for his sake. Stephen was confused and seemed frightened. He met Brian's gaze and immediately brightened. “I'm okay.” Justin reassured Brian who didn't seem convinced either but did a better job of hiding his continued concern. “I know you are.” Brian replied. “This is upsetting Stephen.” Justin stated firmly, his son who was looking at him now that he recognized his name. “And I won't let that happen.” Brian nodded his agreement. “I can't give Hobbs that kind of power.” “You need to talk to someone Justin.” Justin knew Brian was right but really had no desire to do so. He was tired of thinking about Hobbs , trying to work through the bashing, trying to get back all that he lost that night. Watching Brian as he settled his son into the highchair, he realized he had already recovered the most important thing that he'd lost that night. Anything else was merely icing on the cake. “What do you think he was doing on Liberty Avenue ?” Justin asked as he prepared a plate of food for both he and Brian and brought them to the table. “I have no idea.” Brian replied softly. He'd considered that question while holding Justin on the couch. “But I sure as hell intend to find out.” He warned. Justin placed the food in front of the man and took his seat on the other side of Stephen. He took a deep breath considering Brian's words. It didn't feel right for Brian to race to his rescue and yet he wasn't sure he had the courage at the moment to confront Hobbs . “Maybe Carl should ask him?” He offered refusing for the moment to look up at Brian. He wasn't sure how the man was going to respond and he didn't feel up to fighting. “Maybe.” Brian replied mulling the idea over. The fact that Brian hadn't immediately rejected his proposal caused Justin to look up from his food. “It's a reasonable measure.” Brian concluded. “Yeah. It is.” Justin agreed. “I'll call him later.” Brian offered. Justin shook his head reaching out to lay his hand on Brian's hand. “Thanks, but I think it should be me.” Brian eyed Justin warily for a moment. “I'm okay.” Justin reassured him one more time. “I just want to help.” Brian admitted. “You already have.” Justin gave the man a small smile then returned to picking at his food. Brian knew his being there was helping, but still he felt he needed to do more. He felt an intense need to protect both Justin and Stephen from Hobbs . He'd respect Justin's wishes and wait to see if Carl could get some answers, but either way Brian already knew if Hobbs didn't steer clear of his blonds, that the homophobic asshole would regret the day he ever decided to come back to the Pitts. Brian would make sure of that. ******************************** Ted, Emmett and Ben were already at Woody's when they saw Michael walk in. Ted and Emmett both gave Ben a concerned look and waited for him to make the move to invite Michael over. Ben watched as Michael ordered a drink at the bar. He knew that he still felt something for the man and probably always would. He realized that even though they would more than likely never be lovers again, he did want to try to have a relationship with Michael. He hoped that they would be able to find a way to be friends. With this in mind he waited until Michael glanced their way then waved the man over. Michael hesitated for a moment overjoyed that Ben would want him near but at the same time working not to let his hopes get too high. He gave the men a tight smile then made his way over. He could tell from their expressions that something was up. “Hey.” He greeted them as he took a seat at the small table. “What's up?” He asked already feeling the tension in the group. He hoped that he was not the cause of it but realized that he might be. “Something's happened.” Ted began. “What?” Michael asked fully alarmed now. The men all exchanged a look for a long moment before Ben decided he should break the news. He hadn't been around when the bashing had occurred but it was fairly obvious that it had affected each member of Justin and Brian's family to some degree. “Chris Hobbs is back in town.” He stated. Michael's eyebrows shot up as he heard himself gasp. “Fuck.” He looked to Emmett and Ted before turning his attention back to Ben. “Does Justin know?” Ben understood the real question that Michael was asking and wasn't sure which hurt more; the genuine concern or the effort to conceal that fact. “Brian knows.” He replied making it clear that he wasn't going to play word games with the smaller man. Michael wanted to protest but feeling fully exposed, decided it would be best to cut his losses. He nodded moving to safer ground as he addressed Ted. “What did he say?” He asked wondering if he should call the man. “He was upset.” Ted replied. “He was trying to figure out how he was going to tell Justin.” Emmett added. “Oh shit.” Michael shook his head and took a long drag on his beer. “We're here to figure out some way to help them.” Emmett continued. “Like what?” Michael asked having no clue what the men had in mind. “I was thinking of paying the man a little visit.” Emmett glanced around the table. “Why?” Ted asked alarmed. “To give him another target? He's a dangerous homophobic asshole. You stay away from him.” He downed a shot and gestured for another one. “I'm not afraid of him.” Emmett declared. “Neither was Justin.” Michael spat. “And you see where it got him.” “He was a boy.” Emmett argued. “I'm a man.” “A flamboyantly gay man.” Ted rolled his eyes. “Like he's going to give a shit what a queen thinks of him.” He shook his head before accepting the shot. “I think we all need to calm down.” Ben replied his voice calm and soothing. “He needs to know that we won't stand for him coming around our friend.” Emmett argued. “What makes you think he would?” Ben asked. “Well….” Emmett paused looking to Michael for support. “Nothing.” Michael shrugged. “He probably won't.” Just then his cell phone went off. He looked at the display then gave the men an apologetic look before answering. “Hey how are you doing?” He asked. “Brian.” Emmett mouthed to the other men. Ben watched Michael for a moment before rising to get another beer. Ted and Emmett exchanged a knowing look. “I can hardly hear you.” Michael yelled over the noise of the bar. “No fucking way.” He continued after a moment. “Yeah, yeah. I have it, I'll call you back. I need to get it off of my phone and I can't do that while I'm taking a call.” Michael paused then ended the call. “I'll call you right back.” Ben had returned and watched as Michael thumbed his way through the phonebook on his mobile. A moment later he called Brian back and gave the man the information he had been looking for. Disconnecting, he gave the men at the table a troubled look. “What?” Emmett demanded feeling his concern heightened. “Justin saw Hobbs today.” “Shit.” Ted spat. “I knew I should have told them earlier.” “Don't blame yourself baby. You did the best you could.” Emmett comforted his friend. “Where did Justin see him?” Ben asked trying to refocus the group. “He saw him on Liberty Avenue .” The words hung in the air as the four men all tried to understand the ramifications of that revelation. **************************************** Mark made his way up the rickety stairs in the shabby little apartment building. It was disgusting and dirty but he never really allowed it to bother him. It hardly detracted from the appeal he found in living there. He couldn't really explain it but somehow it made him feel closer to his lover knowing he had walked up these same stairs, opened this same door, look out the same window. Mark now stared down from the circular alcove watching the people passing on the street below. Closing his eyes he could hear the faint strains of violin music. It brought tears to his eyes as he swallowed hard forcing down the sob that was threatening to choke him. “I miss you Ethan.” He spoke into the empty apartment. Ethan watched the man standing so lost in the midst of his and Justin's old apartment. He'd been watching him for days now as he plotted and schemed against the blond. Had he had the ability Ethan would have kicked Mark's ass soundly into next week for plotting such treachery against the love of his life, but without a physical body the musician found his capabilities limited to say the least. It was miserable trying to find some way, any way to reach Mark, to reason with him, to convince him to let his anger and bitterness go. Ethan wondered now if perhaps this was hell. It felt like hell standing on the sidelines forced to watch as his tapestry of lies was used as a weapon on the person he'd cared for the very most in his life. “Mark don't do this.” Ethan called out to the man, but the man's lack of response was evidence that he wasn't capable of hearing Ethan. “Mark please.” He begged, but again nothing. “Do you remember that night we met?” Mark asked holding up the framed picture of Ethan that he always kept by his bed. He spoke to it knowing it was as close as he would ever come to actually conversing with his lost lover. “Of course I do.” Ethan replied sounding as bored with this conversation as he felt. “You talked about it all of the fucking time.” “You were magnificent.” Mark declared running one finger lovingly along the image of Ethan in the frame. “You were easily impressed and musically illiterate.” Ethan snidely replied. “The way you took me that night.” Mark began, reliving the memory of their first night spent in one another arms. “He was there you fuckwit. Justin was there. He was at that stupid performance. I almost lost him because of a lousy blowjob and a fuck.” He yelled back over his shoulder then turned to face Mark, storming towards him. “And then you fucking showed up at the door with a dozen roses.” Ethan was standing inches away from this grieving lover. Mark continued to gaze at Ethan's picture reliving their first night together. “You showed up here and he knew. He knew!” Ethan yelled. He reached out to shake Mark by his shoulders but his hands passed right through the other man's body. Ethan yelled in frustration sinking down to the mattress. “The next day I followed you. I drove down from Harrisburg . I got your address from the symphony office. My parents were big contributors.” Mark's arrogance was grating on the smaller man. “Really? You have money?” Ethan spat sarcastically. “I never knew.” He continued. “It's not like you didn't throw that fact at me all of the fucking time.” “He knew that night when he opened the door and saw me.” Mark smirked. “The look on his face.” Mark laughed then slowly grew more serious. “He was beautiful. I remember thinking, ‘That's his lover and he's beautiful. Why would Ethan want me?” “I didn't.” Ethan stood up once more as Mark sat the frame on the nightstand and moved back to the alcove. “I tried to play it off. You know just an adoring fan bringing you some flowers. I really can think fast on my feet.” Mark marveled at the way he had played that moment off. “He asked me in but it was obvious that you didn't want me to be there.” Mark's hurt was obvious. “So I left but I always wondered what happened in this apartment after you shut the door.” “All hell broke lose. Justin served my ass up on a plate. I had to think fast or I would have lost him. I almost lost him. You stupid fucking idiot.” Ethan followed him to the alcove. “I told him you were a crazy fan, a fucking stalker. I even marched over to the phone and pretended to call my manager. I told him to make sure that the various symphony offices knew better than to give out my personal information.” Ethan stared out the window, shuddering as the realization of that night came back to him. He'd almost lost Justin that night. The blond had been ready to walk out and never come back. He would have walked straight back to Brian. Ethan paused wondering if that was what should have happened. Looking back now at the lies and deception, the manipulations and the heart ache, maybe he should have just come clean about Mark and confessed to letting the man blow him. Ethan sighed in despair. It was too late to second guess the decision of his life. His life was over now and all he could do was learn to cope with the regret and guilt of his past decisions. “I learned about the Buffalo engagement and went searching for you again.” Mark wandered back to the couch and sat down. “You were surprised to see me but with the blond away somewhere, you took me back to your room again. That night I was determined to explain the advantage I held over your beautiful little muse. I had money, family connections and a desire to give you the world if you would but let me.” Mark sighed and stood up once more. “You seemed intrigued.” “I wanted to play music. I wanted to be a great musician.” Ethan defended from the window. “You dangled my fucking dream in front of me, what the hell was I suppose to do? Turn you down? Walk away? There's nothing noble about being poor. I'd already sold my soul to the devil, well at least my sexual orientation.” Ethan sighed remember how disappointed Justin had been at that decision. “It's amazing how one compromise makes all the others so much easier to make. It's a slippery slope once you lose your principles.” His voice was soft as he realized how the illusion of fame had blinded him to the beauty of truth. “You laid down the ground rules then. I was devastated when you explained about your boyfriend. Poor brain injured, fragile, emotionally unstable Justin.” Mark mocked. “We couldn't do anything to upset him. He was liable to kill himself or you or run to the Post with pictures and an exposé. Your management company would drop you in a heartbeat if anyone found out that you were gay, so we had to keep our friendship quiet. It had to be our little secret.” Mark headed into the kitchen lingering over a few photos he had of Ethan on the refrigerator door. “My dirty little secret.” Ethan replied the words, bitter in his mouth as he remembered the many nights he'd crawled into bed next to Justin covered in deceit. He'd cheated on Justin, he'd lied to him to save his own ass. He'd taken the blond away from everyone that he knew and loved. He'd convinced him to come to New York . He'd made it about his career but the fact of the matter was the night Mark had shown up with the roses, Ethan had seen for the first time how dangerously close he was to losing Justin. He knew Justin still cared for Brian. It was in a blind panic that Ethan had insisted that they move to New York . Mark had moved there as well. Thus the years of juggling had begun. “ New York was wonderful.” Mark admitted as he pulled a small container of ice cream from the freezer. “When I got to see you.” He spat bitterly. “When you weren't with him.” He angrily kicked the chair back from the table. “You saw me more than he did. All those engagements abroad and around the country.” Ethan argued. “There you were and my fucking greedy manager more than happy to let you into my dressing room for a pre-concert suck or fuck, but never Justin. NEVER!” Ethan yelled leaning across the table screaming into the man's face. Mark calmly took another bite of ice cream thinking of their time together in New York . “I miss you.” He whispered a single tear trailed down his cheek. Ethan slumped down in the chair across from him lowering his head to the table in defeat. “I love you.” Mark offered up to the empty room that had once belonged to the only man he would ever love. Ethan's head came up at those three words, as he used all of the skill he could muster to try to reach through the dimensional barrier. “Then don't do this Mark.” He pleaded. “Don't hurt him. Please, he's been through so much.” He swallowed his voice gaining strength as he continued to plead his case. “Don't take my memory from him. Please Mark. Let him remember me as he thinks I was.” He paused shaking his head as he considered all that Mark could reveal to Justin. “ Don't show him who I really was. He won't understand, Mark. He won't see that I did it for him. I did it all for him.” Ethan sobbed collapsing back on the table his shoulders shaking. He had. He'd done it all for Justin. Mark had advanced his career. Mark had paved the way for their future. Ethan had counted on that bright future to keep Justin from lingering over memories of stylish lofts and Armani suits. Ethan had merely been using Mark but now it would be painted a different way. A way that would forever destroy any of the feelings that Justin still held for Ethan. Justin would never know. He would never know the whys of Ethan's actions. He would only know the who and what and how. Those three things would destroy everything that they had ever had without the whys to explain Ethan's motives. “I never meant to hurt you.” Ethan cried his voice hoarse and broken by his despair. He spoke to words to Justin and maybe to Mark as well, but neither heard his confession. Mark stood and replaced the carton of ice cream, feeling sad and unsatisfied. As he walked past the table he paused for a moment. Cocking his head to one side he furrowed his brow. He thought he could hear someone crying. Cursing the apartment's thin walls he headed for the mattress. He had to get some sleep. Tomorrow things were going to start getting interesting.