Endings and Beginnings - Book 3 Chapter 1 “Max!” Brian couldn’t resist as they entered the lobby. He had spied the man from across the room. The look on Collins’ face was priceless and definitely worth the exhausting trip up to Toronto. “Brian.” He replied both his confusion and irritation leaking passed his normal mask of calm and collected. It was then that he noticed Justin, Stephen and Gus. “What a wonderful surprise.” He commented his words falling short even to his own ears. “Stephen was having some separation anxiety so Brian brought him to me. Wasn’t that thoughtful of him?” Justin tone seemed a little clipped. There was a tension between the two men that Brian sensed and didn’t like. Before Max had a chance to comment further Brian interrupted. “Well let’s hit the sheets then maybe take in a few sights before it gets too late.” He reached for Stephen while Justin reached for Gus’ hand. To Justin’s surprise Stephen went to the man easily but did seem to keep constant tabs on where he father was. “See you tomorrow Max.” Justin’s voice sounded stiff and distant. Brian wasn’t the only one to notice it as he watched Collin’s expression change slightly. He seemed concerned and disappointed. Brian enjoyed the moment even more as he moved his troops to the elevation. A part of Justin hated leaving Max on his own for the night, but at the same time the things that he had said about Brian the previous night had really ticked the younger man off. Max had no business in his private life. Remembering the kiss that they had shared he felt a wave of guilt as he realized he had opened the door to this situation. Justin felt like an idiot for allowing that line to become blurred. He was lost in these thoughts on the ride up to their floor. Brian watched him closely. Something had happened. Brian steeled himself for the confession that he knew he would get in time. Once they reached Justin’s room, Stephen was already dozing against Brian’s shoulder. Gus was yawning widely but insisting that he wasn’t tired. “How big is the bed?” Brian asked as he moved past the door and into the room. “Big enough.” Justin replied. “For what?” Brian joked. “Beds are never big enough.” He gently lowered Stephen into the center of the mattress while he asked Gus to remove his shoes and carefully climb up next to his friend. “I don’t take naps. I’m not a baby. Stephen’s a baby. I’m all growed up.” Gus insisted. “I know you are Sonny Boy, but we will be out really late tonight and I don’t want you to miss anything.” Brian explained. This slightly pacified the boy who reluctantly crawled up next to his friend. Brian removed his jacket and shirt and moved up behind Gus listening to his son’s deepening breaths. It wouldn’t be long until he was sound asleep as well. Looking up he found Justin staring at him from a chair on the other side of the room. He smiled and the blond smiled back. Brian decided it was time that he let Justin know he was on to him. “What was the deal with Max?” Brian whispered. “You don’t want to know.” Justin whispered back no longer smiling. This alarmed the other man who carefully sat up and eased himself off of the bed and over to the chair next to Justin. “Wrong. I want to know.” He sat down and reached for Justin. Pulling the blond into his lap they kissed for a long moment. “I don’t want to think about him right now.” Justin whispered pulling back as he ran his fingers over Brian’s cheek and jaw line admiring his strong handsome face. “Then tell me and we can just drop it.” Justin sighed in frustration. “Were you always this pushy? I don’t remember you being this pushy.” “I was very pushy.” Brian joked thrusting his hips up into the man now sitting in his lap. “Right. “ Justin laughed softly. “Now I remember.” “Well?” Brian asked unwilling to let it go. Justin sighed and looked away at the children for a moment. “He kissed me. He’s kissed him twice. Once last night and then also the night before. The first time it wasn’t a big deal but last night he said some things.” His voice trailed off. “What sort of things?” Brian could feel his heart rate picking up. He’d known that Collins was up to something. He didn’t like the idea of the man’s hands or lips being anywhere near Justin, but knew he had little say in what happened sexually between the two men. He wondered how far things had gone and if in fact it was only the words that had upset Justin this much. “Things about you. Things about his feelings for me. I don’t know, just things.” Justin shook his head trying to dismiss the words he had yet to find a way to lose. “For example?” Brian’s patience was thinning rapidly. Justin moved off of Brian lap and made his way over to the sleeping children. He carefully pulled the bed spread up and around them as they slept. It was a tender sight and Brian found himself smiling in spite of the unanswered questions. “Justin?” He asked once more. Justin turned and walked over kneeling in front of the other man. “He said that he cared for me and that he would never fuck around on Stephen and I the way that you do. He said that he would be monogamous and that he had a hard time resisting me. He said—“ Justin paused knowing that these words would be the most hurtful to them both. Brian raised an eyebrow wishing Justin would just get it over with. “He said that I was all that he needed.” Brian pursed his lips hard as he clinched his jaw. He exhaled forcefully and looked away from Justin’s face. “Brian?” Justin reached up but Brian moved out of this touch. “What did you say?” He asked looking down at the man the hurt and anger evident in his eyes. “Nothing.” Justin muttered defeated. “So you agree with what he said? You had no argument.” Brian felt furious. How could Justin have just stood there and let someone undermine them. “I had an argument but he’s my boss for fuck sake. “ His voice rose and he looked over suddenly remembering the children. “So it’s okay for your boss to fuck me over.” Brian shook his head. “Brian, don’t do this. This isn’t about us. This is about Max. He thinks he loves me or something equally stupid. He was just trying to—“ “Remind you of the bad old days so you’ll walk away again just like you did with that fucking little fiddler.” The words were out before he could stop them. Justin’s pleading expression immediately dissolved into shock and hurt. “Justin?” Brian offered as he watch the man rise and take a few steps back. “Don’t ever talk about him like that.” The blonde’s voice was cold steel just like this eyes which were now stabbing Brian, holding him in place. “I know he did some pretty fucked up stuff and I struggle with it but YOU don’t have the right. You didn’t know him.” “Justin-“ Brian began to argue but was silenced by another piercing glare. Justin gestured to Stephen who looked so sweet and angelic sleeping a few feet away. “That’s his son and unlike Melanie and Lindsay, who seem to enjoy poisoning Gus against his father, I won’t do that to Stephen. And if you can’t handle that then get out now.” Justin stood his ground. Brian understood. He hated being castrated in front of his son. He had no doubt that it caused damage to them both. He rose and walked slowly over to Justin. “I would never hurt Stephen. “ He whispered reassuring the man. Justin knew Brian meant it but so did he. He would not tolerate anyone bad mouthing Ethan in front of his son. It was the least he could do for his dead partner. He wouldn’t have him attacked when he was no longer around to defend himself. “Then keep your mouth shut about Ethan especially when my son is around.” Brian nodded. “It’s just those words.” He shook his head again hoping Justin would understand. “They’re just words. I learned that a long time ago. I wasn’t all that Ethan needed and there is no way I could be all that Max needed.” He paused looking up at Brian his internal struggle evident in his stormy blue eyes. “What?” Brian asked cupping Justin’s face tenderly. “Am I all that you need? Have I ever been?” Brian lowered his face and covered Justin’s lips with his own. They kissed for a long moment each getting caught up in the feel of the other man their bodies pressed so tightly together. “Justin.” He whispered. “Answer me.” Brian attempted to kiss him again. “Answer me.” Justin demanded. There was something pleading and the old underlying insecurity was back in his voice. “You just said you weren’t ready for a relationship. You didn’t want anything serious just yet and now you’re asking—“ “I’m not asking for anything but the truth. Was I ever enough?” He had to know. He had spent too many sleepless nights lying next to Ethan’s body in their bed contemplating this question. “Yes.” Brian couldn’t believe his own ears. “I didn’t realize it until you were gone, but yes you were enough. You were really all that I wanted. None of the rest of it meant anything.” He lowered his head and sighed feeling exhausted. When he looked up he found Justin smiling at him. “What? You happy I fucked it up the first time?” Brian asked in confusion. “We fucked it up and yes I am happy.” Brian smiled back but continued to look confused. “I don’t want it now, but one day I will, Brian. I can feel it and when I do I want you to remember that all those years ago I was enough.” Brian looked serious for a moment. “Just because you were enough doesn’t mean I would stop tricking, Justin. One thing has nothing to do with the other.” He offered trying to explain. Justin didn’t push it. He just nodded. Now was not the time to push Brian into a corner. He knew that he and Brian could never be in a serious relationship if the other man was still hitting the bars and baths fucking everything that moved. He couldn’t survive that and he wouldn’t expose his son to that either. Brian would have to choose. Lowering his hands to Brian’s zipper he smiled up at the man innocently. “Stephen usually naps for a little over an hour in the afternoon.“ He wiggled his eyebrows mischievously as he began pulling the man’s zipper down slowly. Brian reached for Justin’s shirt and slowly removed it from the blonde. “How about a quick shower?” Brian offered. Justin moved to arrange the pillows so that Stephen would be safe on the bed for the next few minutes while Brian made certain that Gus was still sleeping soundly. Once the finished with their children, they both moved to the bathroom. Brian turned on the water while Justin stripped off the rest of their clothing. He wanted to linger over Brian’s body. It hadn’t been that long since they had been together and yet the feel of Brian’s skin felt amazingly new. Brian reminded him of their time constraints as he lifted Justin and hustled him into the tub. Once inside and under the spray Justin felt Brian’s lips trailing down his back. He arched beneath the feeling. He heard the condom wrapper rip and knew it wouldn’t be long. He strained to listen for a moment to hear if either child was awake and moving. He heard nothing. He switched gears again and turned his attention to his lover’s body. He felt Brian hot breath brush against his neck once more. He leaned back against the man’s chest. He felt Brian’s hands wrap around him from behind and hold him in place. Moments later they were joined. Justin sighed relaxing forward against the tiled wall of the shower. They both savored the feeling of their bodies together. After a few moments they began to move again, starting slow but quickly increasing their pace as their need for one another drove them towards the edge. Brian placed his hand of Justin’s mouth to stifle the other man’s moans. He smiled to himself knowing he was the one who could bring such erotic noises from the man. It was over too quickly but they both knew they had little time before they would have two children back awake and demanding their full attention. Turning into Brian’s arms, Justin kissed the other man’s throat. Turning off the cooling water, Brian leaned down and captured Justin’s lips once more. “Thank you for coming.” Justin whispered still amazed that the three were actually here. “Thank you for cumming.” Brian joked bringing a smile to Justin face. As they dried one another off, they heard Gus called to them from the bedroom. “Just a sec Sonny Boy.” Brian called back. He picked up his pants grateful he had brought them into the bathroom with him. Looking back once at the naked blond still rubbing the water out of his hair he felt filled with emotion. Justin had been enough all those years ago. He could still remember their conversation. The pleading tone to Justin’s voice, the desperation he sensed coming from the younger man. He’d refused to play the word game and it had cost him the man that he loved. He had no intention of being played that way again. Ethan had used words to lure Justin away once. He’d thrown out hollow promises of love and fidelity. Brian quickly stepped into his pants feeling more confident now that he realized what it was that he had to do to protect who he loved. He would do what he should have done three years ago. He’d give his so called competition a few choice words of his own. ************************** The knock on Max’s door wasn’t enough to pull him out of his thoughts. He was far too busy sulking and drinking to be bothered with anything as trivial as a visitor. Though he usually wasn’t a heavy drinker, today he was making an exception. He had started with a couple of drinks in the bar before descending on the mini bar in his room. It would be difficult to explain those charges to the Board but at the moment Max was having a hard time giving a fuck what anyone thought. He’d been in this mood ever since he woke this morning to find that Justin was already at the convention. Max had tried to catch him after his final seminar of the morning but somehow Justin had eluded him. Max had overstepped his plan the night before. He had drunk too much, pushed too hard and exposed his feelings long before he had initially planned to. It was time for some damage control. He had attempted some last night but knew that Justin had been too confused and outraged to hear little if any of it. He had forgotten the name of the museum that the man had planned on visiting so Max had set up shop in the lobby all afternoon waiting for the blond to reappear so they could kiss and make up. Well make up at least. The kissing would come much later. When he had heard his name called, Max had been shocked, horrified and out right pissed to see Kinney’s smug face instead of Justin’s. What the hell was Kinney doing here? He had no time to react to the man’s presence before also facing the blond for the first time following the previous night’s fiasco. There was no way that Max was going to apologize to Justin in front of Kinney. It was obvious from Justin’s tone and temperament that he was still angry. Max needed to think. He needed to find a way to get to Justin without Kinney being around. He had to explain that it had all been a mistake. It had been about too much alcohol mixed with too much concern for the blond. Upon hearing a second series of knocks, this set louder than the first; Max slammed the miniature bottle to the table and launched himself off of the bed. He stalked towards the door. Throwing the door open, with every intention of reaming the maid, who was obviously illiterate or else she would read the fucking sign, Max was surprised to instead find Brian Kinney barging into his room. Having pushed the other man to the side before he had even registered the brunet’s presence, Brian walked over to the assorted bottles littering the man’s bed. He picked one up and smirked as he tossed a disappointed look over his shoulder at Max. Having recovered from his shock Max came to his senses. “What are you doing here?” He spat. He glanced back out into the hall wondering where Justin might be. “He’s not with me.” Brian smirked, giving Max a knowing smile. “I don’t give a damn.” Max shot back his tone betraying his lie. “Really?” Brian smiled incredulously then made his way over to the windows to see the man’s view. It was about the same as Justin’s. He absently scanned for anything of interest that they could check out once Stephen finally decided to wake. “You know Max don’t quit you’re day job. I don’t see any acting career in your future.” “This may come as a shock to you Brian, but I really don’t care what you think or see in my future.” Max moved towards the bed. He had the itching urge to clean up the dozen bottles littering the comforter. He swallowed and tried to ignore how numb his lips felt. “Well let me give you a shock.” Brian warned turning back to face the man. “I know what happened. I know you made a play for Justin. I know you tried lure him into your bed with promises of roses, romance and monogamy. He told me everything.” Brian’s eyes burned into the man. “I didn’t say any such thing. I told him the truth and if that gets him into my bed, and frees him from whatever sick hold you have on him, then I’ve done my good deed for the day.” Brian scoffed turning back to the window, forcing himself to remain calm. This was after all Justin’s boss and the blond had warned him not to get involved. “I’m warning you.” His voice was dangerously calm as Brian continued. “You leave him alone. No feeling him up in the office, no filling him with doubts or fear, no little subtle touches on his hands or shoulder. You keep your words and your hands off of him. Is that clear?” He turned back pinning the man with his gaze. Max smiled casually as he considered Brian’s words. “You want me out of the way Kinney?” Max sneered. Brian raised his eyebrows as if to state the obvious. “Okay, you got it. I’ll back off.” Max relented. Brian realized that the man had given up too easily. “But I want you to understand something.” Max cleared his voice stepping closer to Brian. “I’m not sure what your hold is on Justin. Maybe this is something new or maybe just left over from your failed relationship with him years ago. But ask yourself something Brian, has anything really changed since then? What was it that he wanted all those years ago? Has he suddenly decided that he can live with less or are you willing to give him more?” He paused. It was obvious that his words were affecting the handsome man glaring down on him. Max went in for the kill. “I don’t have to sabotage your relationship with Justin. You’ll fuck it up all on your own. One night you’ll be high or drunk and in a thoughtless, self possessed moment, you’ll destroy him all over again. And I’ll be there, waiting in the wings. I’ll swoop in like some comic book hero to save him.” Brian stepped up into the man’s face his hands involuntarily clenching and unclenching. Max ignored the man’s emotional state for the moment needing to sink the last nail in the coffin. “Because I’m ready, willing and more than able to give Justin the love he deserves and Stephen the step father he will need.” “You don’t know shit about me.” Brian muttered. He had come to give the man another warning but now didn’t feel like wasting his time. “You don’t have a clue about our relationship. You’re grasping at straws.” “You really think Justin will be okay with your bringing home tricks with his son in the house? You really see that happening?” Max just couldn’t let it go. “We aren’t living together so it isn’t an issue.” Brian quipped as he stalked towards the door then reached for the handle. He had just had a similar conversation with Justin and had no intentions of having one with Max. Justin understood. He had made it clear but then again hadn’t he tried to make it clear the first time? What had gone so terribly wrong then? Brian felt doubt rising up within him. He had to get out of this room. “No you aren’t, but do you see Justin spending the rest of his life alone because you need to have some strange man blow you from time to time? Do you see him asking Stephen to sacrifice having another person love him? Don’t you realize what a huge job it is for him to be single parent? He needs someone who will help him.“ Brian froze for a moment. These are all things that at one point had raced across his mind but he had been able to safely push them away. Turning back towards the man he took a deep breath before he spoke. “That’s none of your fucking business. Justin is none of your fucking business. Our relationship is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.” He yelled “Ah but fucking is your business and that is why one day Justin will be mine. You know Brian,” Max began his tone turning conversational. “You’ve already lost him. You just don’t know it yet.” He smiled as he heard the door slam. He had obviously shaken the unshakeable Brian Kinney. Max laughed aloud as he realized that he wasn’t out of this game yet. He had just handed a self destructive man a loaded gun. Now all he had to do was wait for Brian to pull the trigger. ************************ The realtor’s reception had been a huge success and both Vic and Emmett found themselves flooded with offers for several other upcoming functions. “I just can’t believe this.” Emmett smiled as he sat in his booth next to Ted at the Diner. “Well don’t just believe it. Help me start planning a few of these. We have five functions in the next six weeks.” Vic’s stress was obvious. Emmett knew that the other man couldn’t have the stress on top of his illness so he reached across the table and placed his hand on Vic’s. “Now partner we both know that stress is a four letter word for you. Are we going to have to pull the plug on this thing now before we even get started?” He raised his eyebrow and looked thoughtfully over at the other man. Vic sighed and shook his head. “Good.” He smiled brightly. “This is suppose to be fun, so let’s keep it that way.” Vic nodded as Deb brought over their food. “So what is your next gig?” She asked. “A retirement reception for a professor at the university.” Emmett began pouring syrup on his pancakes. “Sounds fun.” Deb deadpanned. Vic smirked. “It will be as stuffy as a thanksgiving turkey, but it pays well and is mainly about food not decoration.” Vic declared. Emmett looked up at him and smiled. “Are you telling me no paper lanterns?” Vic smiled again and nodded. “No paper lanterns.” Vic dug into his food. He was going to enjoy working with Emmett. He managed to keep things fun and light. He needed that. He felt better already having something of his own. He knew the money helped as well. Deb was only working one double shift this week. If things kept improving perhaps she could even cut back more. He hoped so. He watched as his sister delivered an order to the next table. He loved her so much. He owed her everything. He owed her his life. She deserved to be treated like a queen. He’d had his time being treated like one. Now it was her turn. ******************* Brian could hear the laughter as he drew closer to their room. It pushed back the melancholy that had descended upon him after his confrontation with Max. As he opened the door he swallowed what was left of it as he was greeted the sight of Justin securely buried beneath Gus and Stephen It was obvious that both Gus and Justin were being careful of Stephen but the little boy was diving into the tickling fest with as much if not more gusto as the other two participants. “Wait a second. Wait just a second.” All three froze at the sound of Brian’s voice staring up at him. “It’s my turn.” He jumped in making it now three on one. “No fair.” Justin protested weakly. “Help me Stephen. Get Brian!” The little boy immediately began turning his attempts at tickling on the other man. He had no idea what he was really doing, but Brian suddenly fell away feigning complete and utter defeat. Gus seeing that his father was at a disadvantage turned his full attention to Brian and leapt. Justin joined in and suddenly it was Brian who found himself laughing hysterically as he tried to escape while protecting little Stephen in the process. “Say it!” Gus demanded. “No!” Brian laughed back. “Say it!” Justin and Gus demanded in unison. “Uncle!” Brian laughed. “What?” Justin asked again continuing the onslaught. “Uncle!” Brian cried again to the delight of both Stephen and Gus. Justin laughed and released him but not before Brian pulled him in and kissed him. Pulling back he saw Justin’s eyes smiling back at him. He had a flash of a night long ago, shining eyes and a sunshine smiles. He heard an echo. He heard the sound of a bat and a body falling to the ground. He felt himself shudder. Justin’s expression turned to concern. “Brian?” The other man sat up trying to shake off the vision. “Brian?” Justin asked again as he picked up Stephen and took him into his lap before he could wander too far away. “I’m okay it was nothing.” Brian excused lamely as he pushed off the floor giving Gus an affection squeeze in the process. Justin continued to watch him as he made his way over to the window. “I’m hungry.” Gus’ voice startled both men. “You are?” Brian refused to look at Justin again until he had his emotions better in control. Gus nodded eagerly. “So what sounds good?” Justin asked him. “I bet Stephen is hungry too.” Stephen nodded and reached for Gus. “I’m pretty tired.” Brian offered. “Maybe we could just order in tonight and then hit the town tomorrow. “ He glanced up at Justin his eyes still revealing more than he wanted. “Sure.” Justin said absently making his way over to the phone and menu. “What would you like Gus?” He asked. Once the order had been placed Brian decided that they needed more ice and headed out with Gus to find the machine. Justin had no idea what had just happened. They had been having such a wonderful time on the floor and then suddenly Brian completely withdrew. He didn’t question the man’s excuse for leaving. He knew that Brian needed some time to regroup, but at the same time he worried that if too much time passed he might never learn what had happened. He kissed Stephen’s head as he watched him play with his new blocks. He marveled at how quickly he was changing and how desperately he had missed him. He was relieved that his son was now comfortable out of his arms. He felt a wave of guilt remembering how tightly the boy had clung to him when they had first been reunited. He wondered once again why he hadn’t just blown off this conference from the moment he’d learned about it. Surely Max would have understood. Max care for he and Stephen. Justin stopped himself. He couldn’t believe he had even considered using Max’s feelings to get out of the conference, but that was just what he had wished he had done. He wasn’t sure what to do with Max’s feelings. He liked Max but he certainly didn’t love him. He loved-- Justin stopped himself. He knew who he loved, but Brian didn’t do love so what was the point. Of course Brian had changed. He had even admitted that he cared for Justin, but sometimes Justin wondered if Brian was ever going to be able to give him what it was that he needed. Max’s words haunted Justin as he handed Stephen another block. Brian would always trick. Staring into his son’s blue eyes Justin was filled with a need to protect him. He couldn’t have Brian bringing strange men into their home, not with Stephen there. Someone knocking at the door interrupted his thoughts. He pushed himself up off of the floor and allowed the bellhop to roll in the table of food. He tipped the man then shut the door. Picking up Stephen he set about getting things organized for their meal. Moments later Brian and Gus arrived. Gus’ eyes lit up at the sight of the table decked out with china and crystal. “Wow.” He exclaimed as he spotted his chocolate milk shake. He raced over and took his seat at the table. Justin met Brian’s eyes and they both smirked at the boy’s enthusiasm. Justin sat with Stephen in his lap and began feeding the little boy. Brian watched the tenderness with which Justin fed his son, stopping occasionally to listen to Gus, or help the other boy cut something on his plate. Both children were practically finished with their meal before Brian realized that he had yet to touch his. Of course Justin hadn’t touched his either. Once the meal was over Gus asked if they could watch TV. Checking the listings Justin asked if Gus would watch Sesame Street with Stephen. Gus agreed and sat with the younger boy in his small lap each laughing as Bert and Ernie argued over the letter of the day. Justin watched the two boys for a moment before looking up to meet Brian’s eyes. “Are you ready to tell me?” Justin asked his voice barely above a whisper. “Nothing to tell.” Brian replied suddenly very interested in his food. Justin continued to stare at him ignoring his own plate. After several long moments Brian sighed loudly and replaced his fork on the table. He looked up his expression blank. Justin gave him a small smile. “I thought we were going to do things differently this time.” He said firmly then sat back waiting. Brian shook his head. They had never talked about this. Well Justin had wanted to but Brian had just wanted to forget. Now here it was four years too late and they were going to talk about it. It was ridiculous and frightening all at the same time. “What?” Justin said prompting him to look up. Brian felt afraid. He had no idea how Justin would react and yet he felt that somehow the future of their relationship depended upon this long over due conversation. “Justin,” Brian paused as the boys’ laughter from behind him caught his attention. He thought for a moment before rising and moving over to kneel next to the younger man’s chair. Justin felt his breath catch. Brian’s eyes were filled with pain. He had seen this look before and never was it followed by anything good. He swallowed hard forcing himself to not look away from the other man. He felt Brian’s hand on his arm. “I am going to tell you, but I would rather wait until the boys are in bed tonight. Could we do that? It’s been such a long day. We can get them in bed early then talk.” He rubbed Justin’s arm as he spoke. It comforted the other man and he smiled down at Brian shaking his head. Brian’s expression became concerned until he felt Justin hands move to cup his face. He kissed Brian’s lips gently. “We can talk tomorrow. You look exhausted.” Brian sighed and leaned his forehead against Justin’s feeling relieved. He was past exhaustion. It had been a very long day. He felt Justin pull back. “Now go eat. You have to be starving.” Brian rose and moved back into his chair. Picking up his fork he threw Justin a grateful smile as they both dug into his cooling food. *************************** “I’ve missed this.” Michael sighed leaning back against Ben’s chest. “Me too.” He felt Ben breath against the back of his neck. He relaxed. It had been a long day. “I’m exhausted.” Michael sighed closing his eyes and sinking deeper into his pillow. “I aim to please.” Ben teased nuzzling the back of the other man’s neck. Michael smirked. “It wasn’t you it was Brian.” Ben tensed a bit but tried to keep it from his lover. He had long since tired of hearing the other man’s name mentioned in their bed. He pulled back a bit rolling his eyes. “What did Brian do? You haven’t even seen him since you arrived.” He rolled away stretching to hide his growing irritation. “It was getting here.” Michael complained. “Stephen and Gus made it so much harder. I will never understand why he decided to bring them along.” He sighed exasperated. He had planned on having some time with Brian on the plane catching up. It seemed he hardly saw him anymore. He had also hoped that perhaps he and Brian could hang out some while Justin and Ben attended their sessions tomorrow, but now he knew that it would mean playing babysitter with him. He definitely wasn’t looking forward to that. Gus was easy enough, but Stephen was still so young. It limited everything that they could do. He sighed loudly. “Well Michael.” Ben began trying to once again try to get his lover to see the big picture. “Brian I’m sure realized that Stephen needed to see his father. Let’s face it Stephen and Justin have been through a lot. It wasn’t really that long ago that Stephen lost Ethan, so it stands to reason that being separated from Justin would be hard for him. Justin had no choice about attending with this conference, so Brian was trying to kill two birds with one stone.” His voice was calmer now. He understood Michael’s jealousy. He had always been top dog in Brian’s life until Justin had come along. Then once the young man had left Brian for Ethan, Michael had once again laid claim to his prized spot in the brunet’s life. It was hard to see him struggling once more with envy now that Justin had returned. Michael was quiet for a long moment considering. “How long has it been?” Michael asked. “Almost six months.” Ben didn’t answer. “It doesn’t seem like it has been that long.” “I bet it has been an eternity to Justin and Stephen.” Ben’s hushed voice cut through the darkness in the room. Michael wondered if Stephen made it harder or easier for Justin to endure the loss of his lover. He could see where having him would be a comfort but at the same time a constant reminder of the loss. He turned and reached for Ben in the darkness feeling lost and afraid. It was always there hanging over them. Every time Ben had a bad day or a routine checkup. He knew that one day he could find himself in Justin’s shoes, trying to put his life back together again. Trying to learn how to sleep alone in a bed that had once held two, he couldn’t imagine how difficult that would be. He felt guilty for the jealousy he felt towards Justin. He also felt bad about all the grief he had given Brian about bringing the boys along. Justin was lucky to have Brian. As he listened to the heart beating beneath him Michael wondered if Brian would be there for him if he did lose Ben. He drifted off to the sound of his lover’s steady heart beat reassured in his knowledge that with Brian in his life, he would never have to face anything alone.