Endings and Beginnings Chapter 20 Brian slammed down another shot of Beam. He glared at the cordless receiver sitting next to his glass. He picked it up then slammed it back down on the counter. Picking up the bottle he filled his glass again. He wasn’t sure why he was so angry, but he was furious. He moved away from the counter and began pacing. He felt restless. He didn’t want to stay in the loft. He had to move. He had to turn off the thoughts before they formed. He stalked up to the bedroom and began dressing again. He jumped back into his black jeans and sleeveless shirt. Pocketing his cigarettes and his keys he headed out the door. He’d opted for the corvette over the jeep. He pulled out of his parking spot before he realized he didn’t have a clue where he was headed. He thought about going to the baths but decided against it. He wondered if the boys were still at Babylon. He really didn’t feel up to facing them again. He knew where he needed to go, but he wasn’t sure what he would say when he got there. He continued to remain in the middle of the street debating on a destination. A part of him wanted to hit the baths to disseminate his pain into anonymous bodies. Three years ago that is exactly where he would have gone, but now it felt wrong somehow. There was something deep inside of him that was offering the right choice. It was a calm voice struggling to be heard over the chaos of so many other well established coping mechanisms. He knew it was giving him the right answer, but he just wasn’t sure he was willing to follow that voice. It seemed easier to go with the tried and true. Someone honked behind him causing him to jump slightly. It was time to decide. Putting on his blinker Brian made his decision. *************************** Justin sat for a long time turning the receiver over and over in his hand, wanting to call Brian back and explain everything. It wasn’t that he wanted Brian to disappear, he just wanted to protect him from all the fallout that was bound to happen in the next few weeks. Gay custody cases were news and this would no doubt be a circus. It was going to be a long, hard and ugly fight. Ken had made that apparent by revealing Wilbur Davis’ strategy. As much as Justin didn’t want to face this fight alone, he needed to protect Brian for once. He needed to consider Brian’s feelings in this horrible nightmare that seemed to be getting worse by the day. Justin knew that the line was blurring a little more every time he saw the man. Too many unresolved feelings from the past were bleeding over trying to fill the void that lay deep, dark and empty inside of him. Of course he still felt something for Brian; in fact the depth of those feelings amazed him. He’d buried them so deep over the last two years trying to accept and adjust to the life he had chosen. He’d banished the tall handsome brunet to some distant dream he’d once had and given up. But now he was standing before the blonde offering a chance to be together once more. If only Justin’s heart could heal enough to reach out and accept the extended hand. Some days it just seemed more than he would ever be capable of. Too much had happened over the last three years to ever be truly free of all the pain and remorse. Mistakes, though forgiven, are never truly forgotten not by hearts that continue to bleed. How could he ever learn to trust anyone again? He remembered trusting. He remembered knowing that even though he might hate the answer, Brian never lied to him, never pulled a punch, and never hid from him even the most wrenching of facts. Justin had always known that Ethan lied. He had known for years now that he had cheated. He’d believed that even though it was a huge character flaw, their life at least was build upon some level of integrity and trust. Tonight he’d lost that truth. Perhaps it had been the only truth he’d ever had with the man and now he had discovered that even at the very foundation of their family there had been manipulation and deceit. How could he ever forgive someone who was no longer alive? How could he accept an apology that would never be offered? How could he ever trust his judgment again when it had failed him so miserably? Looking at the clock he rose from the couch. He had to be up in five hours if he and Stephen were going to have any chance of getting to the Center on time. He dreaded going to bed. No matter how exhausted he was it was never enough to override all of the thoughts that ran through his head as soon as he closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure if he was being haunted because he never felt afraid but he did feel trapped by the memories he wished he could somehow file safely away. He needed to be ready for tomorrow. It was his first full day on the job and Stephen’s first full day in the daycare center. He was amazed at all that had changed in his life in such a short time. A month ago he was a full time partner and father, raising Ethan and his son, Ethan was alive traveling all over the world giving concerts. Their life together, though far from perfect, was happier than Justin had ever thought it would be. Now he wondered if Ethan had been happy. He hated doubting what had once felt like truth but realized now he had no choice. Justin undressed slowly listening to the slow steady breathing of his son. He made his way over to his son’s crib. Reaching down he pulled the blanket up over the tiny body sleeping so peacefully. Justin was envious of the boy’s innocence. He knew that it was this little miracle that was keeping him going right now. If he didn’t have Stephen, he wondered how he would ever get out of bed in the morning. Stephen shifted in his sleep reaching out and pulling his Elmo closer. Justin leaned over kissing his son gently on the head before turning back to his own bed. He prayed that sleep would come quickly. He needed to be on his toes tomorrow. He needed to prove to Max Collins that he had hired the right person for the job. He had obligations and responsibilities. He had a family to support. Closing his eyes he immediately found himself subjected to his nightly haunting. Each night it was another moment from his life with Ethan, playing out in painful detail before his eyes, over and over in an endless loop. Tonight’s feature was a replay of one of the many stupid and childish arguments he and Ethan had managed over Brian. This one had been toward the end of their first year together. Justin found himself back almost two and half years ago. He had been so miserable in New York, sitting around, feeling like he was in hiding as Ethan launched his career. He remembered complaining about the constraints Ethan’s manager insisted upon in their relationship. They couldn’t go out to eat together, walk down the sidewalk holding hands, or ever appear as anything other than buddies in public. Ethan’s manager was constantly threatening that if anyone discovered the true nature of their relationship that his company would drop Ethan in a heartbeat. Justin secretly wished that they would. Justin remembered countless afternoons in their dismal little apartment thinking of Brian. He spent so much time wondering what the man was doing, wondering if Brian ever thought about him, wondering if he should have been less demanding and just accepted what Brian had offered. It was during one of those regret filled afternoons when Justin had decided that he would call Brian. He’d dialed but never left a message. Once he heard Brian’s voice on the machine he had felt overwhelmed by fear. Brian was the fantasy he couldn’t risk losing. Through many an empty day and lonely night, it was the memory of those distant hours spent under the glow of blue lights that kept him company and protected him from the cold which pressed in on him constantly. Ethan had known that Justin was frustrated and unhappy. He’d understood Justin’s despair but he had refused to stand up to his manager. Justin hated watching performances from the balcony. He hated how someone from the team would be watching out for him after the performance, running interference, keeping him from his partner. He’d complained but Ethan had just given him one lame excuse after another. Then there were the photos. There were always the canned snapshots of Ethan and some young starlit laughing it up at a renowned restaurant, at the opening of a new play, or at some party given for no good reason other than to be seen, while Justin sat at home night after night alone with his memories. He hated tasting the woman on Ethan’s lips. Ethan always was quick to explain that it was part of the game, but Justin had never really liked games. He grew weary of tedious rules and strategies. Ethan would try to reassure him, taking him to bed, whispering soothing words of love and desire, but in time even those words felt as false as the photos Justin found in various papers the next morning. Justin had packed. He’d unpacked. He’d packed again. He’d spent long hours in galleries staring at works of art that he knew each day he moved further away from ever creating. He felt a part of him dying. He felt he had nothing. He had a lover that hid him away like some terrible secret. He had an estranged lover who haunted his days and nights. An estranged lover who he’d recently realized had never loved him but instead had always just considered him a piece of blonde boy ass. That was what Justin had felt like those days as he wandered the streets of New York lost, alone, aimlessly plodding along in a life that had no meaning or reason to it. It was then that Justin had decided that he would return to Pittsburgh. He wasn’t sure what was waiting for him there but perhaps at the very least Brian would be willing to continue with their loan arrangement and he could complete his degree. Justin had vowed to make his intentions known to Ethan. He’d even scheduled a time with the man when he knew that they wouldn’t be interrupted so that he could truly explain the depth of his despair and his need to go back and discover the point where he veered off course. It was merely a simple coincidence that Lindsay had called the day before the scheduled discussion to announce that she, Melanie and Gus were coming for a visit. Justin had postponed the conversation, thrilled with the prospect of his friends’ visit. He’d spent three wonderful days with the women and their son. He’d loved every minute of his time with Gus. He’d always loved the boy but somehow seeing the world through Gus’ familiar eyes renewed Justin’s hope. He loved listening to Gus and watching him as he sifted the world through his own filter of innocence and wonder. It was somewhere during those magical days that he’d felt some withering part of himself spark back to life. He’d just been so isolated that he had forgotten how good it felt to be a part of a family. Two days after his friends had returned home Ethan had called him to the baby store. Justin had been high on the post visit bliss when Ethan had launched the idea of having a child together. He’d been a bit overwhelmed but with the memories of the past few days spent with Gus fresh in his mind, he’d been easily persuaded. A family, he could have his own family. It was like a dream come true or maybe just a lifeline thrown out to a drowning young man. Justin had leapt at the chance. He was going to be a father. Somehow he believed that a baby would give him something to build a life around. A baby would return the purpose that he seemed to have somehow lost over the last few months. He knew things were not what they should be between Ethan and him, but maybe if they were a family the rift could be mended. They had been happy once. Surely they could be happy again. As Justin lay in the darkness the sound of Stephen’s breathing continued to wash over him. He now realized that Ethan had realized the depth of his unhappiness, but had chosen to ignore the underlying reasons for those feelings. He had instead chosen to manipulate his lover. The musician had known how close Justin was to leaving. He’d panicked and offered the only thing that he thought might be strong enough to bind the blonde to him. He offered Justin what he had just lost. He offered him a family. Ethan wasn’t willing to give Justin a place by his side, or public recognition as a partner in his life, but he’d give him a child. Justin realized now why the man had been so willing to use that particular solution. It was a win-win for the musician. He got everything and lost nothing. Rachel carried a baby, Justin postponed his career further by becoming a full time father, while Ethan managed to stay in the closet and keep the blonde in his bed. Justin fumed thinking about how easily he had been manipulated by the other man. “Selfish to the end weren’t you?” Justin asked into the night. “How could you use Stephen like that? How could you have used my hope of being a father to your advantage, chaining me to you and to a life that wasn’t working for me?” He asked. He rose from his bed giving up sleep for the night. Ken’s words had obviously affected him more than he had realized. He’d suspected from time to time that Ethan had offered Stephen to him as some sort of consolation prize but now all his fears had been confirmed. Justin walked to the window and glanced down at the darkened street. It took him a moment to register the corvette parked under the street light. He recognized the man leaning against the side, smoking a cigarette and staring up at his window. Justin saw it for what it was though. Not merely a man but another life line cast out to him. Throwing his clothes back on Justin headed down the stairs. He barely noticed the feel of the steps beneath his feet as he raced down them. Throwing the door open he rushed down the driveway. Brian never moved. He just watched in silence as Justin launched himself into his arms. Brian hadn’t expected this reaction. He’d expected a heated argument with the blonde but instead found the younger man clinging to him as if his very life depended on it. Brian tightened his grip communicating his refusal to let go again. He’d let Justin slip away once. He’d not make that mistake again. Under the lamplight the two men continued to cling to one another as the waves of life threatened to overtake them.