Endings and Beginnings Chapter 15 Brian was in the PIFA parking lot at ten o’clock when his cell phone rang. “Brian?” Jennifer’s voice sounded thick with emotion and exhausted. “I haven’t found him yet---“ Brian started to explain but her voice cut him off. “He called. His cell was off. Brian he is at the cemetery in New York where Ethan was buried. He isn’t sure how he got there. Could you? I know it is a lot to ask. “She took a shaky breath. “Where is it? I’ll see if I can get a flight.” Jennifer gave him the information and then assured him that she was calling Debbie. Deb would notify all the others that Justin had called. Brian quickly called the airlines and discovered that there was a flight leaving in thirty minutes. Gunning the engine he knew he would make it. H couldn’t stand the thought of Justin sitting in that cemetery or what Craig Taylor could had said to him to send him racing off like that. Slamming on the gas again Brian ran another red light. He would get to Justin and together they would find a way to fix this. He wasn’t sure how but they would. Four hours later Brian followed the rental agencies directions and pulled up to the entrance of the cemetery. He felt a wave of gratitude that the gate was open. He had expected to find it locked with Justin inside. The wind wasn’t blowing but it was cold outside. Brian reached for the blanket in the seat beside him just to reassure himself that he had indeed remembered to bring it. He began slowly driving down one lane after another searching the darkness for any shadow or figure that could be Justin. He felt a panic rising within him as his eyes scanned the dark gardens searching for Justin. He had yet to find his car. Just as he made the final curve he saw Jennifer’s car. He breathed a sigh of relief. Parking his rental he wrapped his coat around him and grabbed the blanket. Getting out of the car he scanned the area on both sides. He finally found Justin silhouetted by the light coming from the small street light on the path. He was sitting facing a marker his knees drawn up to his chest, arms wrapped around his knees and his face down. He walked over slowly trying not to startle him. As Brian drew closer he found himself having difficulty breathing. He felt a lump in his throat. Justin looked so young and innocent at Ethan’s grave. “Justin?” He asked softly. He didn’t move. For a moment Brian thought perhaps the man was asleep. “Justin?” He spoke a little louder. Justin raised his head and looked over at him. “Brian?” He asked not sure if he was hallucinating or if the man was truly standing only a few feet away. Brian advanced further. He was glad that he had brought the blanket as he realized that Justin didn’t have a coat. He came up slowly beside him crouched down and wrapped the blanket around his shivering thin body. Justin’s eyes never left his. There was something so sad and broken there that Brian felt a little unnerved. “Hey you gave me a scare. Your Mom was about to send out the cops.” Brian sat down next to Justin and wrapped his arm around the blonde’s shoulders trying to warm him up. He could feel Justin’s body shaking beneath the blanket. “I didn’t mean to worry anyone. I just started driving. I didn’t know what to do.” His teeth were chattering making it hard for Brian to understand him. He hugged him tighter hoping he could convince him to return to his car with him. “It’s ok.” He soothed placing his lips to Justin’s ear resting their heads together. “You’re freezing.” “It’s not such a bad thing. At least I’m finally numb.” Justin stated softly. The trembling had decreased significantly and his speech had improved. Brian felt his heartbreak at the sound of Justin’s voice. “I’m here, Justin. It’s all going to be okay.” He whispered soothingly into his ear. “You don’t know that.” Justin declared staring into Brian’s eyes pleading for the man to understand. “I can’t lose him. I can’t, Brian. I’ll die if I lose him.” He sounded so defeated not at all like the fighter Brian had fallen in love with five years ago. “You won’t lose him.” Justin smirked dejected. “I will unless I have a good lawyer. I have to do what my Dad wants. I have to save my son.” He leaned in resting more fully against Brian’s body. Brian didn’t know what to say. He had no idea what Craig Taylor had demanded in exchange for his assistance. Whatever it had been, it had sent Justin running. Brian tightened his hold on the other man. He wanted to yell and rant about how Craig was a homophobic asshole who needed his ass kicked. Brian wanted Justin to tell his father to fuck off and let him pay the legal fees but he knew that neither response would really help so he remained quiet. He hoped that the strength of his arms would comfort Justin and perhaps make up for the words he didn’t have. “Do you think Ethan would mind?” Justin said looking up at the veiled stone he had been facing. Brian furrowed his brow. He couldn’t believe that Justin would ever consider the man who had left him in this mess. Brian swallowed his resentment before he replied. “No. Ethan wouldn’t mind anything that you do Justin. I think he loved you.” The words were difficult to get out but he felt Justin relax a bit so it had been worth the effort. Justin turned to Brian their lips inches apart. He pulled back and traced Brian’s jaw line. Looking lovingly up into his eyes, he smiled. Brian forced himself to remain still searching Justin’s eyes for some clue as to what he was thinking. The light from the lamp reflected off the blue causing them to shine. “You were my first.” He said as he rubbed his fingers gently across Brian’s lips. There was a look of fond nostalgia in the blonde’s gaze. Brian smiled in response. He’d always be grateful that he had been Justin’s first lover. Justin cupped the older man’s chin and stared deep into the warm hazel eyes. “Brian, would you be my last?” There were tears in his eyes as he looked up with a mixture of sadness and fear meeting Brian’s gaze. Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and swallowed the emotions that were threatening to over take him. His eyes glistened as he reached up running his hand through Justin’s hair finally cradling the back of Justin’s head. He pulled the smaller man into a kiss. He hesitated just for a moment before touching the blonde’s mouth waiting until their eyes met. He held him in Justin’s gaze for a moment before closing his eyes once more as he gently covered Justin’s mouth with his own. He reached out and tenderly pushed passed Justin’s lips moving his tongue in to fully taste his mouth. He tasted the sweetness that always awaited him there. He deepened the kiss as he sought to take possession of the man he had loved and lost. He felt Justin respond to his touch matching Brian’s movements. Justin pushed away the pain and guilt and sought to connect to this man, his first love. It felt so familiar and yet so new. It was like everything Brian remembered and nothing he had ever experienced. He clung to it and held it like some precious fragile treasure. Brian feared if he held it to tightly it would shatter and yet if he wasn’t careful it would slip through his fingers once more. Brian opened himself and felt all the emotions he had denied for so long rushing up as he allowed Justin to wash over him. His smell, his taste, his touch, it was all so much to take in. After several moments the two pulled away both breathless. They continued to sit facing each other their foreheads resting together their arms wrapped around the other’s body. “Make love to me Brian. I need something to hold on to. I need to feel you one last time. I don’t want to think about death, or custody cases or what it will cost me. I just want to feel you.” His words were a whisper against the older man’s skin. Brian lost his battle as Justin pulled back. “All that I have is yours.” Brian’s voice was husky with emotion and he suddenly felt so tired. Why hadn’t he said it three years ago? Why had it taken so much time and pain to make the words come out? Brian shook his head wondering if he would ever stop suffering from the consequences of his childhood. “You’re all I want.” Justin smiled. “You’re all I have ever wanted.” He sounded so sure. Brian pulled him to his feet and they started back toward their cars. “What did your father demand?” Brian asked. Justin kept walking until Brian forced him to stop. They were once again beneath a small street lamp. Justin gazed up. He felt so weary. “He’ll only help me if I give up my disgusting lifestyle.” His voice caught. He took a shaky breath before continuing. He hoped that he sounded more confident than the felt. He noted the outrage on Brian’s face. He pressed on. “It will be okay. I’ll have Stephen.” Justin continued to argue. Finally ending with a defeated, “I have no choice.” Brian ranted silently in his mind. How could Craig Taylor be so stupid? He’d thought Jack was cruel but he was practically Father of the Year next to Justin’s so-called father. When they reached the car, Brian backed Justin against the door and leaned down on top of him holding him close. Justin relaxed into the welcomed warmth and weight of his body. “What about me Justin? What if, one night isn’t enough for me?” He didn’t want to sound selfish but he had almost lost his mind the first time Justin had walked out of his life. He wasn’t sure he could survive it again. He felt Justin’s body stiffen against his and he pulled back to see a look of sorrow on the other man’s face. “Brian.” Justin paused. What could he say? What could he offer this man? “We’ll always be friends.” He stated knowing it was as lame as it sounded. Feeling utterly defeated, he pushed Brian away and started for his mother’s car. Brian grabbed his arm pulling him back into his arms. “Friends?” He seemed to be considering Justin’s words. “Friends don’t fuck friends.” Brian whispered. Justin pulled back processing the man’s words. “Are you saying—“ “Yes, I don’t want you one last time. I can’t do that Justin. I can’t give you that.” He sighed stepping away trying to find the air he desperately needed. This was so hard. For three years he’d waited for the chance to show Justin what he really meant in his life. He’d watched it play out in minute detailed. He’d accepted over the last few months that he would never have that chance and now here it was. Looking over at the smaller man, Brian realized that he’d never wanted anyone more than he wanted Justin at that moment and yet he knew that if he actually tasted him once more that the need for more would drive him mad. He’d lived through those years of longing. He couldn’t face them again. He knew he would never survive them intact. Brian glanced over at the confused and hurt expression on Justin face. He tried to explain.” I just can’t lose you completely. I think I’ll die if I do. And if we were to have sex, it would be too painful for me to be near you knowing it would never happen again. I would start to avoid you and then little by little we would lose each other.” It was the truth and it was high time he was completely honest about what Justin meant to him. “You won’t lose me. We will always be a part of each other. We will always care about what happens to each other. I’ll always be a part of your life. We just won’t ever be—“ “Lovers?” Brian finished. Justin nodded sadly. “Follow me back to the main road. There was a hotel a few miles back. We can get a room and catch some sleep.” He noticed Justin’s confusion. “Then once we are rested we can discuss this again. I’m too tired to think and I know you must be too.” Justin merely nodded. He made his way to his car knowing that Brian’s eyes were following him. He couldn’t believe that Brian had turned him down. He’d never known Brian to say no to sex. He understood the man’s reasoning though. Maybe it was best that he spend the rest of his life as he had the last three years living on memories. He knew he wasn’t emotionally ready to be with someone else. He had wanted Brian, always, even when he had been with Ethan, but somehow the grief overrode the lust. It seemed beyond him to truly want someone else in such an intimate way when he felt so empty inside. He had so little to offer anyone right now. He loved Brian and he didn’t want to hurt him, but the thought of never being close to him again, of never feeling Brian’s hands on his body, his lips on his face, his breath against his neck it was too much. It was the final straw. Somehow sitting in the cemetery Justin had decided what it was that he needed in order to have the strength to walk away once and for all from his identity. He would have Brian one last time. He would feel, smell, taste and watch all the wonders of the man. Then he would walk away. It felt like a consolation prize or a parting gift, but in all honesty it was more like a lifeline. Justin had lost so much he couldn’t lose anymore. So he would compromise. He would allow himself this one last moment. He would make a memory that he could hold on to on those long lonely night that stretched out before him. Then he would walk away from Brian and any chance of being loved, keeping his son but losing a part of himself at the same time. Looking once more out at Ethan’s grave stone he felt his heart tighten in his chest. The man had always suspected that Brian came first in Justin’s heart. Justin felt a twinge of guilt as he finally voiced that admission. He whispered into the night. “You were right. Forgive Ethan, you were right.” ************************* “Yeah he’s fine. He’s asleep actually. He had a job interview for tomorrow could you call Lindsay and ask her to reschedule it? Thanks. Yeah I’ll have him call you when he wakes. You’re welcome Jennifer. I know you do. I do to. Goodnight.” Brian ended the call and looked over at Justin peacefully sleeping. Brian removed his clothing and slipped into the bed behind him. He carefully eased up against Justin’s warm body wrapping his arms protectively around the other man pulling him back gently against his chest. He could smell Justin’s hair the scent painfully familiar. He closed his eyes trying not to think about what awaited them once they woke. He couldn’t imagine being with Justin knowing it would be the last time he would ever be able to touch him. The mere thought of losing that part of Justin threatened to undo him. He pushed those thoughts away and cleared his mind. He decided to focus on the steady deep breathing of the man in his arms. In a matter of moments Brian felt himself sink into sleep. ************************* Deb had the whole scoop by the time her shift started at the Diner the next morning and she was more than happy to give everyone a taste. The customers seemed split on which act was more despicable Rachel Gold trying to take Justin’s son away or Craig Taylor forcing his son to deny who he was in order to have the money to fight to keep his son. Justin had been gone for three years but his courageous reputation was well known by old and new comers alike. Deb was amazed when time and again customers began leaving money in her care to be passed on to Justin to help him fight for his son. After the second hour, Debbie went to the back and found a jar that she put next to the cash register. By seven o’clock when her boys showed up for breakfast it was almost full. Noting the jar Emmett sat down and demanded to be filled in on the news he had been denied. Deb took their orders then returned with her tale. She had to stop a couple of times in order to get her emotions under control, but finally managed to fill the men in on what Justin’s situation was. “What an asshole.” Michael announced looking around the table. “I’m glad I don’t have a father.” He seethed. Ben grimaced and rubbed his hand on his partner’s back trying to sooth him. “What can we do?” Emmett asked. “Why don’t I set up an account at First Liberty in Justin’s name so that we can deposit the funds that are collected? I can even get the account number so that if someone doesn’t want to put their change in the jar they can go down and make a deposit themselves.” Ted threw out to the group. “That’s a great idea!” Deb exclaimed beaming at Ted who was blushing from the group’s approval. “I can put up fliers in the neighborhood asking for donations. Put them up in the businesses and maybe go door to door.” Michael offered. “I can print them up on my computer at work.” Ben offered. “I’ll call you with the account number as soon as I get it set up.” Ted stated. Ben nodded in agreement. “What about me?” Emmett asked. “What can I do?” “That’s a good question what can you do?” Michael asked. Emmett eyes seemed to search everyone’s face sadly as he tried to think of what he had to offer. “Well unless Justin needs me to pick out an outfit or throw him a party, I guess nothing.” He finally admitted dejectedly. “That’s a great idea!” Ted announced confusing everyone at the table. “A party, maybe at the GLC,” Ted continued. “Melanie and Lindsay are both still on the board. Maybe they could get the Center to agree to have some sort of dinner to raise money for Justin’s legal fund.” Everyone laughed in excitement immediately warming to the idea. “That is a great idea. I betcha Harry would donate the food. He loved Sunshine when he was working here. I’ll see what I can get him to agree to the donation then call and let you know.” Emmett nodded feeling a rush of excitement. He picked up his cell phone. “If you all will excuse me I need to get a party started.” He dialed Lindsay and Melanie’s house. Deb turned to make her way back to the kitchen. She hoped to get an agreement from Harry before Emmett left. This was how things were suppose to work. She loved it when families pulled together. Nothing like a crisis to bring out the best in people and this was definitely a crisis. She wondered for a moment where Sunshine was. She was relieved to know that Brian was with him. She worried about Brian as well. She had watched him over the last three years trying to cope with the loss of Justin. She had seen the renewed hope in his eyes when they had been over yesterday. Both Brian and Justin had endured way too much pain and sorrow in their short lives. It was time for them to catch a break and she was going to move heaven and earth to make sure that they did. ******************************* Brian woke to the feeling of feather light kisses across his chest. He had to be dreaming. The kisses felt warm and familiar like so many phantom kisses he had dreamed of and fantasized about over the last few years. He felt them move up his neck and then to his delight his ear lobe was being sucked into a hot wet mouth. He moaned. He didn’t want to wake up. He didn’t want to discover, as he did every time that he dreamed this dream, that he was alone in his loft surrounded my memories he could never escape. He heard a breathy sigh in his ear and realized that he wasn’t dreaming. He opened his eyes and realized that he wasn’t alone or in the loft. He felt Justin’s warm body pressing tightly against his own. He lowered his head bringing their lips together. He swallowed Justin’s moan as he rolled the blonde beneath him. As he pulled away he opened his eyes and saw crystal clear blues shining up at him. He had missed this man. He had missed looking into those eyes. In spite of the drugs he could still remember their first night years ago. He relived the sparkle in Justin’s eyes that night, the sound of his voice, the feel of his hands and the taste of his mouth. “Brian” Justin breathlessly cried as he arched up into the man. It was as if his body had just come alive. He would never understand the affect that the man had on him. Since their first night together a part of Brian had been left inside of him. That mysterious piece, hidden away was always and forever crying out to the man, seeking and searching, desperately needing to be joined over and over again. There was always a place that only this man could fill. He was Justin’s drug of choice. Just like an addict Justin found himself coming back to Brian time again, longing for the high that he could only find in Brian’s arms. Brian smiled as he felt Justin’s body tremble beneath him. He had forgotten the reaction he could evoke in Justin. He loved the feeling of surrender as well as, the way Justin seemed to know exactly what it was that he needed in order for them both to gain the greatest pleasure. He felt Justin’s lips on his neck as his hands made their way up Brian’s back. Brian lowered his head devouring the other man’s lips once more. He felt Justin’s need building quickly turning into a state of desperation as he frantically writhed beneath him. Using every ounce of will power he possessed Brian pulled back. “Justin.” Justin reached up running his hands through Brian’s hair. He tried to pull the man’s lips back to his own, but Brian resisted. “Justin.” He said a little more forcefully. Justin opened his eyes his breathing ragged. He looked quizzically at Brian. “What?” He shook his head trying to read Brian’s expression. “We have time, slow down.” He moaned feeling Justin’s body writhing beneath his own. He could feel the smaller man’s desperation as he seemed to almost frantically work at deepening their connection. Something was terribly wrong. Brian realized it and pulled back again. “Justin, who are you thinking of?” He asked softly. “You, who else?” Justin asked trying to force Brian’s head down so that they could kiss once more. There was something painfully familiar about Justin’s actions. Brian recognized the need to act without thinking. He could sense the younger man’s desperate drive to forget whatever was ripping his heart apart and instead get lost in someone else’s body. He understood why Justin needed it to be that way, but he couldn’t go along with it. Not this time. He’d waited too long for this moment to allow it to become anything less than what it was meant to be. He rolled to the side breaking their physical connection. He heard Justin sigh in frustration. “What are trying to forget?” Brian asked to the ceiling. He already knew the answer but wanted Justin to admit it to himself. Justin glanced over then closed his eyes. “Nothing.” He said unconvincingly. “Bullshit. You’re like a man possessed. What are you avoiding?” Brian stated softly accepting that he might have a long wait before the other man admitted what was really going on. Five minutes later he heard Justin sigh and knew that his answer was close. “I feel like I’m cheating on him.” He whispered. Brian wasn’t surprised. “No,” Justin corrected. “It’s worse than that. I feel nothing. I feel dead inside.” He admitted. Brian reached for the man pulling him close until Justin’s head was resting on Brian’s shoulder. “That’s normal.” Brian whispered into the soft blonde hair tickling his lips. “Normal?” Justin questioned. “I’m lying here naked in bed with the man I’ve fantasized about since the moment I walked out of his life and I feel nothing. How could that possibly be normal?” Brian couldn’t help but enjoy the revelation. He rubbed his hand up and down the smaller man’s back enjoying the feel of his soft warm skin. “You’ve just lost someone that you loved. You are facing the real possibility of losing your son. Where could you possibly fit another feeling? Grief and fear take up a lot of room, or so I’ve been told.” Brian theorized. Justin nodded while closing his eyes. He didn’t want to think about Ethan or Stephen at the moment. He honestly just didn’t want to think period. “What if I never feel anything again?” He asked feeling like a child. “Won’t happen.” Brian declared. “You just need time Justin.” “How can you be so sure?” It felt good to be in Brian’s arms. Justin wondered if the older man had any idea how comforting his arms were. “I know a little about grief.” He admitted. Justin didn’t press for more information. He knew that Brian hated talking about his past. “I hate my father.” Justin admitted. “See you’re already starting to feel again.” Brian quipped. Justin smirked. “It feels like their winning. I hate that.” Justin admitted feeling defeated. He felt like he was giving up. He felt like his Father and Chris Hobbs and all the other homophobic pricks in the world were winning. They were winning because Justin was letting them win. Yet when he thought about fighting back, he was overwhelmed with a sense of total exhaustion. He didn’t have the strength to fight anymore. He wasn’t sure where all his courage had gone. He only knew that it had left him. One more thing he had lost. Justin let his mind roam, escaping the harsh reality of the day. He pulled away from the grief which seemed to consume him and the paralyzing fear of losing his son. He fell back into his proven method of pain control. He use to do this from time to time when he was living in New York. It was a safe place to escape. Justin tentatively reached for the memories slowly allowing them to consume him. It was a night five years ago, he was scared shitless standing beneath a street lamp about to admit defeat and head home when something extraordinary had happened. A beautiful brunet with mesmerizing hazel eyes had approached him. He’d promised to take him some place special and he’d kept that promise. Brian had always kept every one of his promises over the years. Justin could almost feel Brian’s sheets beneath him. He could almost see the blue lights and smell the cigarettes and Beam on Brian’s body. Opening his eyes he looked up into those same beautiful hazel eyes that had captured his heart all those years ago. Brian moved closer to Justin and kissed the other man deeply. When he pulled back he was rewarded with a Sunshine smile. There was a resignation in the older man’s eyes that Justin hadn’t seen before. Brian brought their foreheads together enjoying the feel of the blonde in arms. “It looks like we’ll both be living on memories.” Brian grumped. “It’s not so hard.” Justin sat up and stared down at the man for a moment. He tenderly traced Brian’s jaw then brushed his hair to one side. “I’ve been doing it for years.” He admitted. Brian remained silent finally accepting that even though Justin had loved Ethan, the musician had never replaced Brian in the blonde’s heart. Brian smiled and reached up seizing the man’s neck and pulling him back down into a kiss. “You’re not the only one. “ He admitted earning him a shocked look from the other man. “I’ll figure something out Justin. It won’t always be this way.” Justin nodded smiling grimly, not really believing the man, but knowing that Brian needed for him to at least try to believe. ********************************* Brian was just coming back into the room with two coffees when he heard Justin speaking on the phone. He assumed from the conversation that it was Jennifer. “Well tell her thank you for me. Ok. We should be leaving in the next hour or so. I would think so…. yeah. I know mom. Thanks and give him a kiss. I will. I love you too. Ok. Bye.” He ended the call looking up at Brian. “Mom says thanks AGAIN for finding me and taking care of me.” Justin smiled. Brian met that smile at him wickedly and handed him a coffee. Justin reached up taking it. “I bet she’s home wondering what sort of care I gave you.” Brian smirked. “No and I don’t think she would really want to know. Besides it’s not like we had sex.” He stated the disappointment evident now that he was accepting what life held for him. Justin knew he could live without having sex with another man. He knew that. It wasn’t the absence of sex that Justin dreaded in accepting his Father’s terms. It was the loss of the possibility of being loved. One day when the grief had passed and he was feeling once more, he knew he would find himself looking for someone to fill that void. He would crave to be touched by someone who loved him, feeling connected to that person, acting out the feelings that he held, and giving someone all that he had to offer. He already knew who he wanted that person to be, but how could he possibly ask Brian to wait around for something he knew he could never offer. “So Justin, how does it feel to be straight?” Brian asked trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice but failing. “Brian, can we not talk about it? I really don’t want to even think about it until we get back.” He sighed. It felt heavy and impossible at the moment but Justin wasn’t sure he could explain that to Brian. “Well I didn’t spend two years of my life making you the best homosexual I could to have you throw it away now.” Justin rolled his eyes. “Brian when I said ‘ I don’t want to talk about it’ that means that I don’t want to talk about it. Some of us aren’t as cryptic as others.” Justin spat feeling weak and defensive. It felt awkward to deny who he was. He had no idea how he would ever pull it off. Brian moved up behind Justin and wrapped his arms around his waist pulling him back against his chest. He leaned in and whispered in his ear. “Cryptic. Is that an age joke because if it is I might have to spank you.” Justin sighed accepting the man’s apology. Slowly he was starting to relearn Brianese. “We do need to talk about this though.” Justin nodded again this time more solemnly. “We have a long drive back to do that huh?” Justin said softly keeping his head down. “Speaking of which you need to follow me to the airport so I can turn in my car then we can head back.” Brian started to remove his arms but suddenly felt Justin’s hands holding him in place refusing to allow him to move away. “I don’t want to leave.” Justin whispered his voice barely audible. Brian just waited. “It seems so safe here.” Justin looked around. The world outside the room suddenly felt huge and foreboding. “This morning lying in bed, it felt like the past five years had never happened. No worries, no pain, no bashing, no rules, no cheating, no death, no nothing.” He sounded empty and sorrowful. “Justin.” Brian kissed his neck. “Once we walk out that door everything changes. I stop being me. I stop being the boy who set his cap for Brian “I don’t do boyfriends” Kinney. I stop being what I am. I stop being what I fought to be. I become yet another closeted queer living a lie, loving from afar. I want to stay here with you.” He sighed. “No one can take away who you are you unless you let them.” Brian said softly. He felt Justin stiffen but held him tightly refusing to let him move out of his arms. “I’m not blaming you. I know you feel like you have no other option here. I understand why you are doing this. I can’t imagine having to make such a choice. Deny myself or lose my son? I just want you to know that you will always be Justin Taylor the bravest man I know. The twink who wormed his way into my life and forever changed me for the better. That asshole you call your father can manipulate you but he can’t change who you are. In the closet or out, you’ll always be his queer son.” They both laughed lightly at that. “ No one can make you be less than you are.” Brian kissed the back on Justin’s neck but felt the other man stiffen under his touch. “Don’t.” Justin pulled away. He cupped Brian’s face and kissed him lightly on the lips. Pulling back he sought his eyes. “You deserve to be with someone who can love you. More than that, you deserve to be with someone who can act on those feeling, but I will never be able to do that not once we walk out that door. I can stand this Brian. I can. I will survive it, but only if I know for certain that you aren’t waiting around for me. I can’t do that Brian. I can’t watch you wait for something I will never be able to give you.” He kissed him once more. Brian knew exactly how Justin felt at that moment. He’d felt the same way three years before. He hated the look of longing in Justin’s eyes back then knowing that he would never be able to give him the words he wanted to hear. But if anything those three years had helped Brian to finally accept who Justin was in his life; who he would always be to Brian. He looked deeply into the man’s beautiful eyes. “What do you think I’ve been doing for the last three years? It will just be business as usual.” Justin pursed his lips together trying to hide the fact that his bottom lip was now trembling. Brian had yearned for him all those years as much as he had longed for Brian. It was ironic that all of this was coming to light just as the man once again slipped beyond his reach. Justin collapsed against the older man’s chest and together they held on to each other holding back the world waiting just outside the door. “It will be ok.” Justin whispered over and over again trying desperately to convince himself.