Endings and Beginnings 

Chapter 10 


Justin heard the door bell and rushed to keep the noise from waking Stephen. Throwing open the door he was surprised to see his father standing on the door step. The man seemed just as surprised to see his son. It had been three years since they had seen each other. Craig noticed that Justin was no longer a boy but had grown into a man. He was striking, conveying both strength and gentleness in his appearance. They stood staring at each other for a moment. Stephen’s crying pulling Justin back to the present. 


“She’s not here.” He announced and shut the door. Turning he tried to slow his racing heart and he hurried to retrieve his son. He didn’t hear the door open behind him. 


Entering their room Justin found Stephen standing his nap not quite over. He was reaching for his father. Justin lifted him into his arms and held him whispering soothing words to ease him back to sleep. 


“I use to hold you like that.” His Father’s voice startled him. He didn’t turn around. He heard the man come up behind him. He knew he was looking at Stephen. Justin felt very proud of his child and dared the man mentally to say anything hurtful about the boy. If he did Justin would finish what his father had started outside of Babylon. 


“He looks like you.” Stephen lifted his head at the sound of the strange voice. Craig was taken aback by how much the child resembled Justin at the same age. He was flooded by memories of holding his own son. He had pictured what his son’s life would be like. Never did any of those fantasies include him being a homosexual. 


“Hi.” Stephen smiled at the man his innocence touching in its tenderness. 


“May I?” Craig asked. 


“No.” Justin replied harshly moving from the room brushing past the man and making his way into the kitchen. 


Craig realized that he had no right to hold the child. He hadn’t seen Justin in years. If only Justin could understand how disappointed he had felt by the choices his son had made. He would understand why he hadn’t been able to have a relationship with him. 


Jennifer had called earlier in the day and they had met for coffee. When she had told him about all that Justin had gone through over the last couple of weeks, he had felt for his son. He loved Justin; he just didn’t like his lifestyle. It was hard to explain. He knew he could never accept Justin’s sexual choices but he realized over a year ago that sex was such a small part of who a person was. He’d wanted to try to reach out to his son then but had felt perhaps it was too late. After hearing about the sudden death of a man Justin’s age, he’d realized maybe he should move now before it really was too late. 


Walking into Jennifer’s kitchen he watched as Justin helped his son drink from a sipping cup. He smiled at the scene. Justin looked up at that moment. The emotion in his eyes was not what Craig had expected. He had expected hatred or rejection but not indifference. The latter hurt more than the other two combined. 


“I said she isn’t here and neither is Molly.” He looked back at Stephen who seemed to be following the conversation splitting his attention between the two men. 


“He’s beautiful Justin.” Hearing his father say his name was painful. 


“Yes he is.” 


“Stephen. Right?” Craig asked sitting down at the table. 


“Why are you here?” Justin asked anger clear in his voice. 


“I wanted to talk to you.” Justin laughed bitterly. 


“You have got to be kidding me. Now? Now you want to talk to me? Well this outa be good. Let’s get it over with then shall we?” Justin adjusted Stephen so that the boy was facing out towards his grandfather. Craig smiled at the baby then look up meeting his son’s eyes. He swallowed hard before he spoke. 


“Justin I know you have been going through a really tough time.” He began. 


“I’ve gone through lots of touch times since you disappeared. I didn’t need you then and I don’t need you now.” He spoke with determination. 


“That may be true son.” 


“Don’t call me that.” Justin interrupted shocking the man. 


“Ok.” He was thrown a bit and had to get his bearing before continuing. “Justin it was never a matter of love. Do you understand that? I never stopped loving you.” 


“Bullshit.” Justin stood. “I don’t want to hear this. If you need to feel better about the way you treated me then just know I’m over it. You can go.” He started to leave when Craig blocked his path. 


“I just couldn’t stand the thought of you—“ 


“Fucking guys?” Justin challenged and his father winced. 


“Yes, but not just that. Your being gay changed everything. Don’t you understand that? Don’t you see?” Justin shook his head. 


“You’re holding your son. You see him at 3 years old and then at 5, then graduating from high school, going to college, coming home with his wife at Christmas—“ 


“No I don’t.” Justin stated plainly. “I just see him.” 


“Well I had a plan for you. Damn it, I had plans for us and you ruined them. I wanted to meet your fiancé and eat bad chicken at a wedding reception. I wanted for you to call and tell me that I was a grandfather. I wanted to watch you with your children. I wanted to see you succeed in your life. I wanted you to have a life.” 


“I have a life.” Justin stated tears in his eyes. “I had one. You missed it. It’s over. I did have a fiancé, a ceremony, and you are a grandfather. YOU chose to miss it.” He swallowed pulling his emotions back. 


“Don’t you see?” Craig continued. “The boy I thought that you were died that day you walked out of our home. He died. I grieved him. I couldn’t---“ 


“What? Love me? Because that fantasy boy never existed Dad. If you loved him, then you loved a dream because I was always gay. I was always this person you see before you. I was never him. You never had him. All you have ever had was me. So whether I was gay or straight it was still me. I’ve been here all along. Maybe I wasn’t what you wanted but you weren’t what I wanted either. You think I wanted some homophobic Father who would reject me? Who would attack the man I loved? Who wouldn’t even come see me in the hospital? I almost fucking died. I bet that was a happy day for you.” Craig stared at him as a look of horror crossed his face. 


“No” He whispered. “ How could you think that? I was so fucking mad at that Hobbs kid, but I knew that something would happen. I knew you would get hurt. Society finds a way to hurting those that are different. You are seen as less so the majority makes a point of removing you.” 


“Are you saying I deserved it?” Justin yelled in shock. 


“No. I’m just saying I wasn’t surprised and I was angry. I was angry at that asshole who hit you but more so at you. You. It was your fault.” 


“How can you say that? I didn’t do anything. I was the victim.” Justin felt a tear slide down his cheek. He chose to ignore it. 


“But you did do something. You put yourself in the line of fire. You put my heart out there and hollered ‘Hey take swing at this.’ I hated you for that because what if he had killed you? What if? What would I have had left? How would your mother and I go on?“ 


Justin shook his head. “I don’t want to do this in front of my son.” He stated moving into the living room. He placed Stephen in the floor with his toys. Craig followed him. 


“Justin please hear me. I’ve been a shit. I used my love for you as some sort of weapon in order to get you to do what I wanted. It was wrong. It have no doubt that is has forever ended any chance of us having a relationship. I just thought that you would give up---“ 


“My disgusting lifestyle?” Justin asked looking his Father directly in the eye. 


Craig nodded. 


“It’s just sex dad. It’s just love and sex.” Craig nodded again. 


“We’re never going to agree on this one Justin. I didn’t come to work out some compromise between us. I came to tell you that even though I stopped being a part of your life, I never stopped loving you.” 


“Convenient timing.” Justin sighed wearily. “What do you want? A prize?” He asked sarcastically. Craig shook his head. 


“I hope you get through this ok. I’m sorry I never met---“ 


“Ethan. His name was Ethan and no you’re not. You would have hated him. He was a fag, but he was a fag who loved me.” Justin stared down at Stephen his voice thick with emotion. 


“Well.” Craig announced not at all pleased with how things had gone. “I guess I need to leave.” He turned and started towards the stairs. He stopped and took a shaky breath. 


“You know.” He paused. “I did all of that out of love Justin. I thought that guy would hurt you. I thought I was protecting you. We do strange things when we love someone.” 


“Not everything can be justified by love.” Came the response. It was then that Craig knew he couldn’t win. He turned and left wondering if he would ever see his son again. 


************************* 


Brian had just pulled up as Craig was walking out the front door. Their eyes met. 


“What the fuck are you doing here?” Craig demanded. 


“I was going to ask you the same thing.” Brian met his challenge. 


“I came to see my son.” He announced. 


“I’m sure he was thrilled.” Brian said sarcastically. 


“What the hell would you know about it?” Craig began. “Obviously you aren’t any part of his life. You weren’t Ethan. What happened? Justin turn twenty and get too old for you.” Brian pushed the man against his car raising his hand. 


“I should beat the shit out you. I owe you one. Hell I owe you more than one. But you aren’t worth it.” He released the man. “Justin is going through so much right now. You stay the fuck away from him. You understand?” Brian asked leaning in menacingly in the other man’s face. 


“You don’t tell me what to do when it comes to my son.” Craig challenged. 


“If you’re smart you’ll listen to me. If not I will beat the shit out of you. I can’t tell you how much I hope Justin got his brains from Jennifer.” Brian walked up to the front door and rang the bell never looking back. 


He heard the car door shut and the engine turn over. He still couldn’t believe that the bastard had had the balls to show up after all this time. Then again maybe he and Justin had reconciled. ‘No.’ Brian told himself. ‘Craig would have been at the funeral if they had worked things out.’ Brian’s thoughts were confirmed when a red eyed Justin opened the door. 


************************ 


Deb wandered over to where Lindsay and Jennifer were discussing a particular painting. 


“Are you sure? I don’t mind paying for it.” Jennifer asked. 


“No I wanted to give it to Justin. It is a gift.” Lindsay smiled. “If he likes it tell him that the artist is having a show in a couple of weeks. I would love if he would go with me.” Jennifer nodded promising to pass on the message. 


“Let me see.” Deb blared as she drew closer. It was a picture of a renaissance artist in drag. “What’s that suppose to mean?” Deb asked. “That there were always queens?” 


Lindsay nodded surprising Deb. “Exactly. That some of the men that the world holds up as artistic geniuses were gay, but the world continues to accept the art but reject the artist.” 


“I’m sure he will love it.” Jennifer said. “Do you want to bring it by later?” She asked. Lindsay nodded. “Gus wants to see Stephen.” 


“Oh right. I totally forgot.” Jennifer shook her head. “Old age.” 


“Tell me about it. Good thing my boobs are attached or I’d never find them.” Deb said and they are laughed. 


“Well I’ll see you later then. Bye Gus.” Jennifer called to the boy who was with his other Mother. “Bye Melanie.” Melanie waved as she came up behind Lindsay wrapping her arms around her partner’s waist. 


“The show was great!” She whispered. “So much talent to explore.” Lindsay felt a jolt of arousal at her words. The things Melanie could do with her voice were amazingly seductive to the blond. “Ready to go home and start the exploration?” 


Lindsay nodded. “Then let’s take the painting to Justin. I think it might bring a smile to his face.” They made their way to the door, Lindsay checking with the GLC board members as they went. Once she was sure everything for the break down and clean up was in place they left. 


************************************* 


Brian didn’t ask. He just led Justin back into the house and shut the door. They made their way into the living room where Stephen was happily watching a Sesame Street video with “Mo” in it and playing is a fabric ball. 


“Can you believe he came here?” Justin asked sniffing his head resting in the crook of Brian’s neck. 


“Well I guess Jennifer sees him some. I mean Molly is still his kid.” Brian held Justin to him trying to comfort him. 


“No.” Justin pulled away looking into Brian’s eyes. “He came to see me. He came to talk to me.” Brian’s expression grew concerned. 


“What about?” His voice revealed more anger than he had wanted to. Justin reached up and ran his hand soothingly across his chest. 


“How his rejecting me was an act of love.” He laughed out loud surprising himself. Brian laughed as well. 


“With love like that who needs hate?” Brian offered. Justin stared up at him remembering the moment Brian had used similar words to his father. 


“Exactly.” Justin smiled before sighing and returning his head to Brian’s chest. Brian relaxed into the feel of the other man’s body against his. He wanted him. He wanted to take him into the bedroom and make love to him. He wanted to erase all of his pain, but knew that what he wanted and what Justin needed were two different things. 


Stephen turned to Brian and smiled. “Bie” He said pointing at Brian. 


Brian watched feeling a little hurt. “Is he trying to get rid of me?” Justin had to laugh at that. 


“Not hardly.” Justin leaned forward realizing that Stephen was trying to say Brian’s name. 


“Brian. That’s right sweetie. It’s Brian.” Stephen smiled kicking his feet. 


“Bie Bie” Stephen smiled again. This time Brian reached for him and picked him up kissing her cheeks. 


“You got it baby. Bie. That’s me.” He kissed the boy again and turned to show his elation that Stephen now knew his name. 


“Big day.” Justin announced. 


“I’d say. A cause for celebration at the very least, so can I take you boys out for some dinner?” He asked tickling the smaller of the two Taylor men. 


“Sure, but I have to finish something first. Could you watch Stephen for a little bit? The door bell woke him up earlier and I didn’t get to finish.” Brian nodded. 


“Guess it’s you and me Sunny Boy.” He returned the boy to the floor but Stephen had other ideas crawling back up into Brian’s lap. Brian rolled his eyes but secretly loved it. 


“So what are you working on?” He yelled in the direction that Justin had disappeared. 


“Résumé” Justin yelled back. A few moments later he appeared. “Ready?” He asked. 


“That was quick.” Brian observed. 


“Yeah well I was almost finished when my dad came over. I need to get some nicer paper though before I print it off. Can we run by a store while we’re out? I need to start looking for a job next week.” Justin was getting Stephen’s bag replenished with he necessary supplies as he spoke 


“Isn’t that a little quick? Don’t you need a few weeks—“ Brian began. 


“What I need and what I have to do are two different things. Besides the busier I am the less time I have to think. My only problem will be daycare. I really dread finding a place to leave Stephen. I’ve never left him before.” Brian could tell that Justin was really struggling with that aspect of returning to work. 


“Maybe Lindsay has some ideas.” Brian suggested. 


“Maybe.” Justin replied absently. 


As if on cue Brian heard the front door open and Lindsay’s voice fill the foyer. Justin and Brian both exchanged looks. At that moment Gus burst into the room. 


“Stephen.” He yelled and rushed to the baby knocking him over. Stephen was torn between crying and laughing. He felt surprised by the sudden onslaught but was so glad to see his friend. 


“Daddy Gu Gus” He said pointing. “Bie Gus.” He pointed just in case the two men had missed the other boy’s entrance. 


“Is he saying your name Brian?” Lindsay asked coming into the room. 


“Yeah he just started saying it today.” Justin announced. 


“Saying what?” Jennifer asked coming up behind Lindsay. 


“Brian’s name.” Lindsay said turning around smiling at the other woman. “Stephen is trying to say Brian’s name.” Jennifer smiled and nodded slipping the package into Lindsay’s hands. 


“Hello Brian.” Jennifer greeted him. “I’m glad you came by.” 


“Me too.” Justin said. “Dad came by.” 


“What?” Jennifer seemed shocked. She had spoken to Craig but had asked that he call before he came over so that she could be sure to be in the house. She didn’t think Justin was up to a knock down drag out with the man. 


Lindsay could tell from the expression on Brian’s face that the reunion had not gone well. 


“Are you alright dear?” Jennifer asked moving to place her hand on Justin’s shoulder. He nodded unconvincingly. There was a moment of awkward silence. Jennifer squeezed Brian’s arm gratefully as she moved down to steal a quick kiss from Stephen. He seemed to have been oblivious to her arrival until that moment. Then he began reaching for her. 


“Up Up” He announced. She picked him up and tickled his tummy. 


“Lindsay show him.” Jennifer encouraged her. 


“I don’t know. It might not be the right time?” She hesitated. 


“For a gift? Trust me there is no wrong time for a gift.” Jennifer joked. 


Lindsay smiled and sighed forcefully. “Justin I saw this and thought you would love it. I wanted you to have it. I thought it might look good with the works your Mother put up in your room.” She handed over the wrapped work. 


Justin smiled. “Gosh, Lindsay that was really nice of you.” 


“Open it first. It might be dogs playing poker.” Brian suggested. 


Justin smiled as he began pulling off the brown paper to reveal the work. He smiled up at Lindsay his approval evident in his eyes and sunshine smile. 


“I love it!” He showed it to Brian. Brian looked at it then to Lindsay. 


“He is having a show in a couple weeks if you would like to go? I haven’t really had anyone to go with since you left.” Justin smiled at her walking over to give her a hug. He pulled back and looked into her warm brown eyes. He had always found them so comforting. 


“I’d love to.” 


“Great then it’s a date.” Lindsay announced. 


“I’ll even keep the kids.” Jennifer offered. 


“Speaking of dates weren’t we about to go eat?” Brian put in. 


“Oh yeah I can’t believe I forgot.” Justin said picking up Stephen’s discarded bag. 


“Why don’t I take Stephen home with me and Gus. He can eat with us and you guys can pick him up after you’re done.” Lindsay suggested. Gus began jumping up and down silently pleading with Justin to say yes. 


“Well we were going out to celebrate Stephen’s new word. I feel weird doing it without him.” Justin admitted. 


“Well which do you think Stephen would enjoy more?” Jennifer asked setting her grandson down on the floor next to the bouncing boy. He immediately tried to imitate his best friend. He realized his feet weren’t leaving the floor. He sat down and started lifting them by hand. Justin had to laugh as did Brian. Gus seemed confused but reached down giving his buddy a big hug anyway. 


“Ok. He can go.” 


“YES!” Gus yelled jumping even harder. 


“You need some help with them?” Jennifer asked. 


“Oh no believe it or not I’m use to chaos.” Lindsay began, “But you are welcome to come have dinner with us.” She offered. Jennifer was surprised and touched by the invitation. 


“That is really sweet but I think I might take advantage of my empty quiet house for a couple of hours.” 


Justin retrieved Stephen’s car seat. Stephen kissed his Daddy as he was buckled in. Brian and he watched as Lindsay backed out of the driveway. 


“Ready to go?” Brian asked wrapping his arm around Justin’s waist. 


“Yep.” He replied and they moved toward Brian’s car. 


“What are you hungry for?” Brian asked as they headed out. 


“Pasta.” Justin said. “Know anyone who is good at making pasta?” He smiled staring straight ahead. 


“As I matter of fact I do. You sure you want to do that to yourself?” He asked glancing over while driving. 


“Yeah I’ve missed everyone. It’s been a long time since I’ve had my own friends to hang out with.” Brian wondered how isolated Justin had been in New York. Without any real outlets to make friends he imagined that it must have been fairly lonely. 


“Did you ever go to clubs when you were in New York?” Brian asked turning onto Liberty Avenue. 


“No. Well I did once but it was out of spite.” Justin winced inside remembering that painful memory. 


“Ethan never liked them?” He asked. 


“No. He never wanted to go anywhere.” Justin sounded exasperated. “Shit. Just listen to me. I can’t believe I just said that.” He looked out the window. 


“Justin just because he’s dead doesn’t mean there weren’t things about him you wish had been different.” He pulled out of the line of traffic and waited for Justin to look at him. When he felt like he had waited long enough he finally reached across and guided the man’s chin until he could look into his eyes. 


“Justin I know you loved him. You can say whatever you want about him and I will remember that you loved him. I’m sure you have said a ton of shit about me to him, but he always knew right?” Justin nodded. “Ok so stop beating yourself up. Guilt is a terrible thing to waste just ask my mother. Save it for something really good like when Stephen turns out straight. Now that is something to feel guilty for.” They both laughed softly. 


“Thanks Brian.” Justin said. Brian just nodded. 


“Hey what are friends for if not to tell you when you’re being a twat.” They laughed harder at that. 


“Oh you remember my nickname. I’m touched.” Justin smiled and Brian turned to him seeing that it reached his eyes. “Asshole.” 


“Ah.” Brian feigned wiping imaginary tears from his eyes. “You remembered my pet name as well. All the love in this car is really beautiful.” It felt good to joke with Justin. They did that once, but had stopped long before Justin had left. Somewhere along the way to their implosion, they had forgotten to enjoy one another. Brian looked over at Justin wondering what he was thinking. 


“Penny?” Brian said. “No let me guess.” 


Justin looked over at him. 


“You were just wondering how you ever let me go?” Brian quipped. He was shocked when he realized that Justin’s expression revealed that he had guessed correctly. “I was just kidding.” Brian replied not even sure why he felt the need to explain. 


“Lucky guess.” Justin was quiet. “Did you ever figure it out?” He regarded Brian looking for a reaction. 


“Figure what out?” He asked as they pulled up in front of the Diner. 


“What happened with us?” Justin asked. Brian continued to stare straight ahead as he put the car into park. They both sat there staring straight ahead. 


“Expectations.” Brian finally said. “I think a lot of it was about expectations.” 


”So you blame me?” Justin seemed very subdued. He wasn’t surprised to learn that Brian blamed him. He blamed himself. He had stopped reading between the lines. He had given up. He had thought he could change Brian and when he learned he couldn’t, instead of just accepting him as the man he had fallen in love with, he went looking for the man he had tried to turn Brian into. 


“No.” Brian turned to him. “It was both of us. Your expectations were too high and mine were too low.” Justin nodded. 


“I blame me.” Justin admitted. “I wanted to call and apologize so many times.” 


“Well I blamed me, but it really doesn’t matter.” Brian opened his door. 


“I thought we were going to Deb and Vic’s.” Justin announced noticing that they were at the Diner for the first time. 


“We are, but first we are hanging out with some friends.” Brian walked around to the sidewalk where Justin stood as if frozen to the spot. 


“Lots of memories.” He muttered staring at the Diner. 


“Good or bad?” Brian asked. 


“Both. But mostly good I guess.” He felt Brian’s arm around his waist. It felt good to have it there. It felt like it was suppose to be there just as it had five years ago. He felt a moment of guilt but pushed it away. Brian was right guilt was a terrible thing to waste. 


***************** 


Jennifer waited until everyone was out of the house to give Craig a piece of her mind. 


“Hello.” He answered. 


“What in the hell do you think you were doing coming over here like that? I asked you to call first to make sure---“ 


“He’s my son too and I don’t need to call ahead of time to come see him.” Craig defended. He was reeling. He had expected Jennifer to call eventually but had honestly believed that it would have taken her a day or two. The meeting with Justin was too fresh in his mind for this conversation to go well. He knew he had to get off the phone until he could find a way to process all that had been said. 


“Well that is one for the books. He wasn’t your son when he first came out or when he almost died. You didn’t want to see him then. He wasn’t your son when Stephen was born or when his partner died, but now he is suddenly your son. That’s amazing Craig. How do you do it? Is there some pill you take to keep you in a constant state of delusion or are you naturally this full of shit?” Jennifer asked fully expecting to be hung up on. She was surprised when the other end of the line went silent but stayed connected. 


“Craig?” She asked. She could hear muffled sounds. 


“Just a second.” The man announced. He tried to sound irritated but Jennifer knew by the sound of his voice that he was crying. 


“Craig?” She asked again her concern evident. 


“What do you want from me Jennifer? Do you want me to say it? Ok I’ll say it. You were the good parent and I was the shitty one. You were supportive and encouraging and I was harsh and judgmental. Do you feel better?” He asked sarcastically. 


“No, because this isn’t about me feeling better. This is about my son feeling better. You were suppose to reassure him that you loved him. I don’t know what the hell you said Craig but he looked like he had lost his best friend when he mentioned it.” She paused. “No you know what he looked like? He looked like he had just lost his Father. Again.” 


“He rejected me.” Craig explained. 


“You rejected first so don’t even go there. You know what Craig it isn’t that I was the good parent and you were the shitty parent. It is that I WAS a parent and you weren’t. He was a boy and you pushed him away, you judged him, labeled him. He walked away. You taught him that no one’s love could be counted on for certain. He trusted you. I think he knew you would be freaked but never really believed that you would reject him. You made him feel like a disappointment. But guess what? You are the disappointment.” 


“Jen—“ Craig began but knew he had nothing to say in response. 


“Don’t come back Craig. Leave him alone. I was wrong to ask you to help him. I just thought with your supposed change of heart that knowing you still cared might make him feel better. But you only made things worse. Just disappear again. He’s better off without you.” She hung up. Leaning against the phone she felt her tears wet her hand where it still rested on the receiver. She had really believed that Craig could help, but now saw that she had only caused more pain for Justin to deal with. What had ever happened to her happy family? Five short years ago they had been a model family. Craig and successful business man and father, Justin a bright and well liked senior at a prestigious private school, Molly the adorable imp that had loads of friends, and she was splitting her time between being the best mother and wife she knew how to be. 


Now she was divorced with a single parent son, Molly was doing well but had refused to attend St. James after hearing all that Justin had endured there. It was just as well with the divorce Jennifer would have been hard pressed to have found the money. So much had changed since the day when she had discovered another man’s jock strap in her son’s pocket. 


It had been Brian’s. She remembered after the GLC art show she had been convinced that he was going to hurt her son. She’s rushed home and confessed the situation to Craig thinking he could somehow protect Justin. Little had she known that it would be Craig that would hurt Justin the most. 


******************************