Endings and Beginnings I dedicate this story my husband. He is a constant source of love and inspiration in my life. His unconditional acceptance of me has made all the difference in my life. I also want to send a special thank you out there to the EAB group for all their patience and support week after week as this story roamed all over the place. And finally I want to thank Elsa and Margaret for giving me this opportunity to spread my wings. Endings and Beginnings is meant to be a story of hope because through it we see that it is never too late to love. Chapter 1 Three years to the day since Justin had walked out of his life. Three long years had finally passed. The first had been the hardest. He had buried himself in drugs, alcohol and sex. He had heard the concerned whispers of his friends. They had all expected him to O.D. before the year was out but he had proved them all wrong. The next year he had lost himself in a sea of work. He had thrown himself into his career full force. He had decided that work would save him. Work would keep him sane. It would distract him from searching for blond heads in crowds and attending gallery openings on the off chance that his work might be there. The third year had been about coming back into balance. He had finally made some sort of peace with the loss of Justin. He had accepted that he was not coming back. He had heard rumors that he and Ethan had relocated to New York City sometime during their first year together. He knew that Deb and Jennifer were still friends but that they hardly spoke anymore and when they did it was about PFLAG events and not about their kids. He had returned to the weekly stops at Woody’s and Babylon. He had begun meeting Mikey, Emmett and Ted again for breakfast at the Diner on a regular basis. Even though he would still catch himself from time to time expecting to see that dazzling smile behind the counter when he walked in, he was slowly learning to banish the ghosts of his past and accept the emptiness of his future. So it was a slightly older and much wiser Brian who entered the diner that morning three years to the day after Justin had walked out of his life. Still feeling as though he had survived losing the love of his life he was soon to rediscover that everything changes in a heartbeat. As he neared the usual booth he shared each morning with the boys, he wasn’t surprised to find Debbie standing at the end engrossed in something that they were all reading. This wasn’t an unusual scene but yet there was a difference. The mood was dark and instead of sarcastic snipes and amused laughter his family spoke instead in hushed and solemn whispers. Brian found that odd but perhaps another dead twink had shown up in the trash bin behind the diner. The world was a dangerous place. As he came up behind Deb, he caught Michael’s eye. The conversation immediately halted with all eyes turning on him. Their faces were grim and lined with concern. Brian sat down before considering the implications of his greeting. “What?” He finally asked after placing his jacket in the booth behind theirs. There was a newspaper lying on the table. He picked it up. There on the front page he found a huge picture of Ethan Gold. The headline read A Star Goes Out. Brian cast a look about the table. Ethan was a bit of a Pittsburg celebrity in the cultural scene. He had accepted a contract with a talent management agency had earned international acclaim touring all the major areas in Europe and the U.S. Slowly Brian began reading the article but before he got past the first sentence Deb’s voice arrested his full attention. “He’s dead. Killed in a car accident.” Her voice was soft. “Justin was with him.” Brian’s eyes remained on the paper. He didn’t dare look up. He was too afraid of what he would find there in those telling gazes that had pinned him the moment he had arrived that morning. What if they were all trying to tell him with her eyes what they found impossible to voice? What if they were waiting for him to look at them in order to confirm his greatest fear, that Justin was dead as well. He felt Deb’s hand on his arm but refused to meet any of the eyes at the table. Mikey must have known. He had seen how hard it had been for Brian to recover from losing Justin. His voice cut through his fear and enabled his best friend to breathe once more. “Justin is going to be ok.” Brian lifted his grateful eyes to oldest best friend and sighed. “He’s in the hospital but the article said he had a concussion. He will be released sometime today.” “Fucking drunk drivers. Killed that bastard who hit them and a good thing it did.” Deb ranted angrily. “What a loss.” She shook her head and made her way over to pick up her waiting orders still lamenting the events. “Poor Sunshine.” “Does it say anything else in here?” Brian asked. He wasn’t sure what else he needed or even wanted to know, but suddenly he felt so left out of Justin’s life. It felt so odd to not know exactly where the man was and how he was feeling. “Not really.” Emmett said. “We should send flowers or something to the funeral.” “Where is it going to be held?” Brian asked staring at the picture of Ethan realizing that the last time he had spoken to the man he had been the one to encourage him to accept the deal with the agency even if it meant hiding who he was. ‘There’s nothing noble about being poor.’ The words echoed in his mind over and over again. Staring at the young face in the paper Brian wondered now if the man would have chosen to hide himself away if he had known what little time he had left to live. Justin had been furious at Brian for interfering with Ethan’s decision. Brian wondered now how the blonde had managed to tolerate the hypocrisy of the life he had shared with Ethan for three years. Then again the two years that they had shared had been a lesson in tolerance for the young man. “It will be at the chapel at PIFA. They are having a memorial for him there. The article stated that they will bury him today in upstate New York.” Michael stated and Brian nodded in response. “Already?” Deb asked reaching for the article. “They didn’t waste any time getting him in the ground. Sunshine is still in the hospital.” She complained. The door to the diner opened and Lindsay and Melanie entered with Gus walking slightly ahead of them both. Seeing his son lifted Brian’s spirits. He reached out his arms and the boy ran into them. “Daddy.” He yelled hugging Brian tightly around his neck. “Love you Sonny Boy.” Brian whispered into the boy’s ear amazed at how comforting the feel of the young boy was in his arms. He felt much of his sadness melt away if only temporarily as he held this precious life in his arms. “The service is set for two o’clock the day after tomorrow. Do you all want to go together?” Ted asked. “Ben has a class until one so he will have to come from the college. I will probably pick him up and meet you all there.” Michael noted. “Brian you want to go with Mel, Gus and I?” Lindsay offered. Brian was still holding his son tightly against his chest staring at the photograph in the paper. “Brian?’ Lindsay asked a little louder thinking she had not been heard. Brian lifted his eyes to meet hers. “I don’t know if I should go.” His words were soft. “Of course you should.” Deb said coming up again to stand at the table. “Justin needs his friends right now.” “I’m not sure he would see me as a friend.” Brian muttered. “I wouldn’t want to make things any harder for him. We haven’t even spoken since—“ He paused.” I just don’t want to make it harder.” “You won’t Brian. I know he wouldn’t see it that way.” Lindsay said softly. “How do you know?” Brian lifted an eyebrow. “Well we’ve seen him a few times. Not many but a few over the last couple of years.” She glanced at Melanie. “He wouldn’t be upset if you were there. He made his peace just like you did Brian.” Melanie’s voice was firm and Brian knew that the woman wouldn’t ever bull shit him so perhaps he should go. He wasn’t sure that he and Justin could ever be friends but he knew that the man would always mean something to him. He wanted to be there for him if he needed him. “Yeah. I’ll come by your place at one. We can leave from there.” Brian gave Gus one last squeeze before placing him back down on the floor. “I’ll have Cynthia send flowers.” He stated as he reached for his coat. “Not flowers.” Melanie advised. “Ethan was Jewish. His family no doubt will be at the service and flowers just aren’t usually done. I would suggest a memorial given in his name maybe to the school or something of that nature.” “Who cares what his family wants.” Deb blurted out. “They’re burying him today with Justin still in the hospital.” Her outrage was obvious. “It’s our custom.” Melanie explained. “It’s not about Justin. It’s about Ethan and returning his body. It is a matter of showing respect for the life. They are doing the best that they can. I’m sure it is hard enough for them to travel here during Shiva as it is.” Deb stared at the woman with a confused expression. She still couldn’t understand why the Gold’s were leaving Justin out of the burial. She knew from experience that as painful as graveside services were they were a necessary part of the healing process. “Debbie it isn’t anything malicious on their part.” Melanie assured her. Deb nodded realizing suddenly how devastated she would be if she lost Michael. She really couldn’t imagine what Ethan’s parents were enduring at the moment. “I’m sure you’re right.” She agreed setting her outrage aside and replacing it with sympathy. “Well then I’ll figure something out something and have it sent to the service.” With that Brian stood, picked up the paper and left the Diner. He was certain that the moment he heard the door to the Diner close that the booth had erupted in a wave of concerned whispers. He hated being the topic of conversation. They would no doubt analyze his reaction and try to predict his reaction to all of this. Clenching his jaw Brian refused to focus on what was or was not being discussed in the Diner, but instead found his thoughts on a blonde who was now lying in a hospital bed having survived a horrible accident with what would no doubt be the longest week of his life stretching out before him. ***************** The day had been the longest of his life. He felt numb except for his head which still hurt in spite of the pain meds he had been given. He sat in the spare bedroom of his mother’s condo staring absently out of the window. He could hear his mother’s voice on the phone talking to someone about the service the next day. He didn’t understand why everything had to happen so fast. Yesterday he had been in a hospital in New York, the day before that he had been riding down a road with Ethan when suddenly out of nowhere there had been headlights then the sound of tires screeching and then nothing. He remembered waking up in a hospital room. He remembered a feeling of confusion and a blinding headache. Once he had cleared his thoughts he had remembered the wreck. He had sat up a bit too quickly calling out for Ethan. It had been a nurse who had answered that call. He had known from the look on her face that his partner was dead. He had been too afraid to ask the next question. He had been grateful when she had left the room only to enter a moment later carrying Stephen. He had been unharmed except for a slight cut on his right arm and a couple of minor bruises. Justin had taken his son into his arms and held him tightly to his chest. He had been amazed by how comforting the feel of the toddler in his arms had been. “Justin.” Jennifer Taylor called moments before she opened the door to the room and walked in with Stephen wrapped securely around her sitting on top of her hip. Justin turned from the window meeting his mother’s concerned gaze. He lifted his eye brows in response as he noticed his son and immediately reach for him. “Da Da Da Da Da” Stephen began to chant. Justin rose taking his son into his arms. “Hi.” The little boy piped smiling up at this father. He was the spitting image of Justin. Ethan’s sister had agreed to carry the baby for her brother and his partner. Ethan had insisted that since Justin had always wanted children that he should be the one to father it. White blond hair, beautiful porcelain skin, piercing blue eyes, Ethan had affectionately nicknamed their son “Little J”. Justin swallowed hard forcing back the tears that the memory evoked. “Justin I have to run out and pick up Ethan’s folks at the airport. I will be back in a couple of hours. Is there anything you want or need while I am out?” She asked rubbing the baby’s back. “I’m not sure.” Justin forced himself to deal with the reality of his life as he made his way over to Stephen’s bag and made a quick assessment of supplies. “Maybe another package of diapers and some wipes. I think I am ok on food.” His mother smiled and nodded. She was amazed at her son’s strength. He was so young and yet so independent. She had thought that the idea of having a child so young had been a huge mistake for both Ethan and Justin, but Justin had truly surprised her. He had been a loving, devoted, caring parent from the moment the baby had been laid in his arms. They had had an immediate connection. Ethan had adored the boy as well. Jennifer had watched him last summer sitting quietly in her living room. She had enjoyed watching the young musician as he sat mesmerized by the sight of Justin reading a story to their son. His eyes had been spilling over with pure love and adoration. Now it was all over. She would never see that look again on the dark musician’s face. She turned and left knowing that no words would help ease her son’s pain. It would take time, lots and lots of time. ******************************* TBC...