Chapter 13 Lost 
Justin knew he had been in the bathroom long enough. He turned off the water and noticed that his skin was red from where he’d scrubbed himself. He wondered if he would ever feel clean again. He wrapped a towel around his waist then opened the door. He’d heard Brian on the phone. He wondered who he had been talking to but really didn’t feel comfortable asking. He just wanted to go to sleep and wake up and have this whole fucking nightmare over with. 

He should have known better than to start believing that everything was going to work out. He felt foolish and naïve. He felt as green as he’d been the first night on the streets actually trusting some John to pay after he’d blown him. Life wasn’t fair and it was up to him to watch his own back. It wasn’t Brian’s job to protect him. Brian didn’t owe him anything. No one did. He’d gotten himself into this mess and now it was up to him to get himself out, or at least to get Brian out. 

Justin knew that Hamilton meant business. He didn’t threaten lightly. If he said he’d have Brian killed, Justin had no doubt that the man meant it. 

Justin winced as he sat on the edge of the bed. His ass stung. He had no doubt that Hamilton’s tender care had no doubt opened the cut from the last man who had attacked him. Justin tried not to think about it. After all this was the last few precious moments of sanity he’d have. The last few moments when he would feel special and cared for. He didn’t want to soil them with the memory of the rape, not the one weeks before nor the one half an hour ago. 

“Justin.” Brian’s voice was full of compassion. Justin glanced up. 

“Let’s not talk about it okay?” Justin asked as he pulled back the bedspread and reached for Brian. “Just hold me.” He asked. Brian removed his shirt but hesitated at his pants, unsure of what message Justin might get if he removed them. 

“It’s okay.” Justin offered gently. “I know you aren’t going to try to…..we’re just going to lay down for a bit. I’m going to rest and you’re going to hold me while I do.” Brian slipped under the sheets and pulled the slim blond to him, rubbing small circles on his shoulder as he held him. Justin closed his eyes and tried to memorize what it felt like to be in Brian’s arms. He forced the sadness away refusing to give in to the despair that was threatening to pull him under. He would have plenty of time to mourn the loss of this warmth later, for now he wanted to just be happy and hold on to these last few moments. 

“You were brave.” Brian’s voice was softened by sorrow. Justin smirked bitterly. 

“Yeah it took a lot of courage to let him fuck me like that.” He rolled his lips into his mouth hating the fact that Brian had witnessed the whole terrible ordeal. 

“No, really, you were. I know you gave in to protect me. I just felt so helpless.” Brian shook his head. 

“It wasn’t your fault.” Justin whispered. “I did this to myself. I got my ass into this mess and now—“

“I’m going to help you get out of it.” Brian assured him. He had no idea how he was actually going to go about helping Justin but he was determined to do it. 

“I think I need to work this out on my own.” Justin reluctantly admitted. Brian sat up and pulled the smaller man with him. 

“I’m with you.” Brian assured him. He then quickly fumbled with this cowry shell bracelet. Justin wondered what he was doing. It wasn’t until Brian moved to put it on Justin’s wrist that the blond objected. 

“I can’t take that.” Justin argued. 

“You aren’t taking it. It’s a loan. I bought it down in Mexico. I even carved my initials on one of the shells.” Brian pointed out the shell then continued to attach the bracelet around Justin’s wrist. “I wore it to remind me that I am who I choose to be. You wear it and remember that okay? I’m always with you.” Brian offered sincerely. Justin was touched to see how desperately Brian was trying to shore up his confidence. Justin reached for Brian’s hand as he was pulling away. 

“Thank you.” He replied then leaned up kissing Brian tenderly on the lips. “For everything.”

“You say that like we’ve already lost or something.” Brian cupped his face. “I think we might have a ways to go yet, but we will make it Justin.” Brian was determined. Justin admired his courage. He’d been held at gunpoint only an hour earlier and already he was ready for another fight. It was up to Justin to keep that fight from happening. It was something, one of the rare things, that was actually within his control and he was going to do whatever it took to protect the brunet even if it meant that he would lose Brian forever. 

Justin sat staring at Brian’s face memorizing the lines. He touched the cut on his forehead gently. Brian shook his head dismissing it. Justin continued on his exploration. He ran his finger over the man’s lips. He’d always loved Brian’s lips. He pulled his hand away. 

“I used to sketch you in my mind.” Justin admitted. “Long after I was out of paper and pencils, I would sketch you in my mind.” Brian leaned down returning Justin’s kiss. 

“We’ll need to take you in and get you checked out tomorrow. I think we should head back to Deb and Vic’s.” Brian admitted. “Just long enough to see the doc.” He added. Justin knew Brian was angry at Michael. He knew that they both had a reason to be. Justin would never understand what the other man had against him or how he could be so blind to the asshole he was living with. It didn’t matter now. Justin knew he would never see either man again. 

“I’m tired.” Justin admitted. 

“Yeah, me too. I guess the stress really took it out of us.” Brian offered. 

“Yeah.” Justin laid back on the bed and was surprised with Brian once more voluntarily hugging him close. It was then that Justin waited. He laid in Brian’s arms and waited for the man to fall back asleep. Brian had gotten up earlier than he had. Surely he was tired. Justin was exhausted.

It didn’t take long for Brian’s breathing to even out. Once he was certain that he wouldn’t wake the man, Justin slipped out from the other man’s arms and then from the bed. He moved with complete stealth, something he’d learned over the last few months. He dressed then gathered up his bag. He considered leaving the bracelet on the dresser but then at the last moment realized he couldn’t bear to part with it. It was the only thing he had of the man he loved. It was all he would ever have. He felt the leather softly touching his bare skin and realized that same leather had only moments before been laying against Brian’s. It would be a constant reminder on the lone hard nights ahead that someone had cared enough to try to save him.

“Thanks for the vacation Brian.” He whispered. “Time to go back to reality.” Justin left his room key on the desk as he slipped out. 

*****************************************

Hamilton hadn’t been completely surprised when the blond had shown up at his room. 

“Let’s go.” Justin stated, waiting impatiently for the man and his goons. Hamilton couldn’t help but admire the smaller man’s bravado. Taylor was one in a million and that was precisely why he couldn’t afford to lose him. 

“What about your contract. Mr. Kinney has you for four more days.” Hamilton argued weakly. 

“He is satisfied with what he got. Let’s just get the fuck out of here.” Justin reiterated. 

“Your enthusiasm to return is really overwhelming.” Hamilton gave a thin smile. “I have your room already.” He added. 

“I have my apartment.” Justin argued. 

“No, you had your apartment, but that was before all of this. All your belongings have been moved.” Hamilton announced. “Your little antics bought you a room in my building for no less than six months.” Justin looked away mourning the loss of his apartment. It had been a shit hole but it had been his shit hole and he’d loved it. It had been so much more to him than merely a place to sleep. It had been a small place in his otherwise dictated life where he was in charge of his own body, his own mind, his own decisions. Now that was all gone. 

“Come my disloyal little imp.” Hamilton pushed Justin through the door. “Let’s get you home and get you settled. Then you can warm my bed for a few nights. After that, we’ll see what other lessons we have that might teach you the dangers of disloyalty and desertion.” Justin held his head up refusing to give in to the urge to run. He felt his body pulling him back toward Brian but knew that going with Hamilton was the only way that he could save the man. So instead of running, he continued to walk, willingly heading back into the lion’s den. 

**********************************

“I have to go up there.” Michael was rushing around the room throwing his clothes into the expensive luggage that David had bought him. 

“Why?” David argued. “Because he said he was done with you? “ David stepped in front of Michael taking his shoulder and forcing him to look up at him. “You don’t need him. You have me now.” His voice was soft. Michael furrowed his brow for a moment and looked uncomfortable. 

“It’s different.” Michael tried to explain. “He’s my best friend. You’re my partner.” He tried to pull free but David refused to let go. 

“He doesn’t love you like you love him, but I do. I love you Michael and if you walk out that door, I’ll go back to Portland without you.” Michael’s mouth fell open at the threat. 

“You wouldn’t do that really would you?” Michael asked his voice sounding like a twelve year old. 

“You leave me no choice. I’ve stood by and tried to play second fiddle all these months, I even moved you across the country and still I’m second. I’m not use to being second.” David spat clearly angry. “I bust my ass to give you everything you need or want, to take care of everything in our lives so you won’t have to, and where does it get me? Here, alone, while you go chasing after the mighty Kinney. If you ask me he doesn’t deserve you or Justin.” David moved away making his way toward the window. 

“Justin is the whole problem.” Michael grumbled. “He’s turned him against me.” 

“Justin is an eighteen year old kid who was thrown out by everyone he cared for.” David argued. “If he is such a shit why would Brian listen to him?” Michael studied the man carefully. 

“Are you defending him because you care for him? What did he do to you?” Michael demanded. 

“Who?” David asked in confusion. 

“Justin!” Michael shouted. 

“He didn’t do anything to me.” David stated wearily. 

“He seduced you. He tried to blackmail you.” Michael shot back his hands on his hips. David stared out of the window for a long moment considering the sight of the little boy, Brian’s son, playing with his mommies. David sighed and leaned his forehead against the cool glass trying to decide what to say next. He was tired of the lie. He’d hoped to just hurt Brian but had managed to fuck his own image instead, not to mention what he’d done to Justin. He really expected to just use it to get a little pay back off of Kinney. He was so sick of that smug grin; he’d wanted to wipe it away if only for a moment. 

He could see now all the holes in his thinking. If truth be told he’d really wanted Justin. He’d wanted to know what he was like. He’d wanted to know what it took to tame the Kinney Beast. It wasn’t as if he had to force himself to have sex with Justin and Justin, though reluctant had chosen to go along. It wasn’t rape or anything. It was just sex between to consenting adults. It was a merely a mistake. Now he just had to find a way to get Michael to see it that way.

“David?” Michael voice was softer now with a slight tremble. David turned and held Michael’s gaze as he sighed once more. 

“He didn’t seduce me. I used him.” Michael’s eyes went wide. “I wanted to hurt your mighty hero. I wanted to have some control over Justin the way Brian controls you.” 

Michael walked stiffly to the bed and sat down trying to wrap his mind around what his lover was telling him. It had been just as Justin had tried to explain. David had used him to hurt Brian, but surely David had known that Michael would be hurt in the midst of his plan as well. 

“It was a deplorable thing to do.” David admitted turning back to gaze out of the window. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” He offered. Michael nodded still feeling as though someone had punched him in the stomach. 

“How many times?” He asked numbly. 

“Just twice.” David replied. “Once here and once in the bathroom downstairs.” 

“Just like he said.” Michael stated softly. “I lost my best friend over this. He never wants to see me again.” There was a hard edge to the man’s words as he glared up at his partner. 

“You lost Brian because it wasn’t enough that Justin was away from me, you wanted him gone, just like you’ve always wanted him gone. Don’t pin your phone call to that asshole in New York on me.” David shouted angrily. “You knew if you made that call that Justin would be forced away from Brian and back to whatever the hell kind of life he had before.” 

“I just wanted him away from Brian. I thought he was using him—“

“Brian! Brian! Brian!” David threw his hands up. “Brian is 30 years old. Don’t you think he can take care of himself by now?” 

“I was just protecting him. He’s my best friend.” Michael spat.

“And what am I?” David demanded. 

“You’re my partner.” Michael pleaded.

“Well that means I’m supposed to be your best friend. I’m supposed to be THE most important person in your life, not the most important person unless Brian is around. I’m not a fucking substitute.” David glared down at the man. Michael pushed off of the bed to face him. 

“I never said you were.” Michael argued. 

“Yes you did. Every time you put Brian ahead of me. Time and time again, it was him, not me that you were interested in, concerned about, or just fucking wanted to be around.” David sighed shaking his head in defeat. “This isn’t working.” 

“What?” Michael felt gutted by the man’s declaration. 

“I’m sick of Can-Do-No-Wrong-Kinney. Deb, Vic, Lindsay, Melanie, hell even Emmett and Ted all making excuses and singing his praises. All fucking day that’s all it’s been. He has such a good heart. He’s so caring. He was so sweet to bring Justin here. He’s always there for us.” David cried out in frustration. “I can’t compete with that. I won’t compete with it, not anymore.” He gathered his wits then forced himself to be calm as he stared at Michael. “Choose.” 

“Choose what?” Michael asked in confusion. David took another breath so that he wouldn’t lose his temper again. 

“Me or him.” He demanded. 

“You fucked Justin.” Michael replied. David ignored his attempt to throw off the question. 

“Me or him?” He stated once more. 

“How could you do that?” Michael asked still avoiding the issue. David clenched his jaw reaching the end of his rope once more. 

“I told him to get on the bed and I stuck my dick in him. ME OR HIM?” He shouted grabbing Michael by the shoulders, his fingers digging in to his flesh as he held him in place. Michael tried to pull free but David wouldn’t allow it. 

For the first time in their relationship Michael felt afraid. David had never seemed violent but now it seemed that at any moment David might just haul off and hit him. 

“Him.” Michael mumbled bracing himself for the blow that would surely follow. Instead David released him and began retrieving is own bags out of the closet. 

“David?” Michael ventured watching the man. 

“That’s all I needed to know.” He stated wearily. 

“You’re leaving?” Michael asked. David wasn’t sure if he sounded surprised or relieved. It really didn’t matter though. It was over. 

“I know you aren’t the best or the brightest but surely even you can figure this out.” David sarcastically jabbed. He couldn’t believe all the time and energy, not to mention money he had wasted trying to get Michael to come around. 

“Where are you going?” He whined.

“Where do you think? Home.” David spat. “I’ll send your things back. You let me know where you want them.” Michael was reeling from how quickly things were falling apart. He glanced at his own bag and knew he had to get on the road if he hoped to catch Brian still at the lodge. 

“Maybe we can be friends in time.” Michael offered wishing things were ending better. 

“I don’t want to be your friend.” David replied honestly. “And for the record,” He paused at the door, “You can’t compete with Justin in bed so you had better find something else you have to offer if you hope to get Brian to ever settle for second best.” 

He disappeared through the door leaving Michael alone. 

***********************************

The trip to New York was quick. Hamilton had chartered a flight. Justin spent the time staring out the window trying not to think about how each passing minute pulled him further and further from Brian. 

As they neared the airport Hamilton moved to fill the seat next to him. 

“I can hear those wheels spinning.” He leaned over pressing his body against Justin’s. “I don’t know what you are planning but if I find that man anywhere near you I’ll have him killed. Is that clear?” Hamilton’s voice was harsh but honest. 

“Then block him from the system.” Justin replied meeting the man’s gaze. “He’ll come after me.” Justin admitted looked back out the window. “Keep him away from me.” 

“You sound pretty sure of yourself.” Hamilton laughed humorously. Justin sighed. He wasn’t sure of himself, but he was certain about Brian. He’d come after Justin if for no other reason than to tell him how shitty it was to sneak out like he had. 

“I just don’t want him hurt.” Justin turned back. “And if I find out that you’ve hurt him—“ Hamilton reached out suddenly and grabbed Justin’s arm painfully, bringing him against the older man’s body. 

“Don’t you ever fucking warn me.” He hissed. “No one warns or threatens me.” Justin pulled his arm free. 

“Well I am.” He continued to pierce the man with every bit of determination he had left. “You hurt him and I’ll hurt you back in ways you can’t imagine.” Hamilton threw his head back and laughed finding the smaller man amusing. 

“Big talk from a two bit whore.” Hamilton replied. Justin didn’t react which unnerved the older man slightly. “You just do your fucking job and we’ll get along just fine. You try to fuck me like that again and they’ll never find your body.” Hamilton rose and moved back to his seat. 

He was furious with the blond. Who the hell did Taylor think he was after all? Hamilton had taken him off of the streets and this was the way he repaid him? Running off with a John, buying false promises of being saved from his life of crime, what the hell was the man thinking? He had to admit that Taylor was younger than most of the other men in his employ. Hamilton took a deep breath and forced himself to regain his calm. It didn’t really matter what Taylor thought or what he threatened, the fact remained that for as long as Hamilton saw fit, the man would be in his bed. He owned him and before the week was out Taylor would know that once and for all. 

***********************************

Brian woke with a start. He reached to his side and was surprised to find the sheets cool beneath his touch. He glanced at the clock. It had been almost three hours. He couldn’t believe how long he had slept. 

Rubbing his eyes he called to Justin but heard no reply. Feeling a rising panic he rose and then realized Justin’s luggage was missing. 

“No, no, no, no, no.” He chanted as he threw on his jeans and raced out the door. 

He didn’t stop until he had reached the front desk. 

“Hamilton.” He panted out. “Is there a Hamilton registered here?”

“There was. He checked out around two hours ago.” Brian closed his eyes trying to think. 

“Did you happen to remember if a blond man was with him when he checked out?” Brian asked once more. 

“Yes, there was a blond man, hardly a man though more like a teenager. Really cute, blond hair, blue eyes.” Brian felt his heart sink. Justin had gone with Hamilton. He was now undoubtedly on his way back to New York. Brian turned and headed back toward his room. He felt angry and betrayed. He knew why Justin had gone back. He’d heard the threats Hamilton had made. He hadn’t taken them serious but obviously Justin had or maybe it was that after what had happened at Deb and Vic’s, Justin had decided that he really didn’t have any home to return to, so he’d decided to go back to the city. 

Brian reached what had been their room and entered, quickly scanning for any sign of the blond. He hadn’t left a trace behind. Brian made his way to the bed and laid back down staring up at the ceiling, wishing he had a joint to numb all the feelings washing over him. 

He was frightened for Justin but also for himself. He knew he’d never be able to walk away no matter how many times Justin did. He knew he was in too deep. He wasn’t sure when it had happened but sometime between their first night when he’d spotted the blond under the lamp post and this very moment, Brian had fallen in love for the first time in his life. 

He reached out and grabbed Justin’s pillow. Hugging it to his chest Brian realized all that he had lost.