The Road to Now Plot bunny: Trish Summary: There was no bombing – Brian’s leaving for a trip to Australia for Mardi Gras was the final straw for Justin. He knew he had to move on. This is a story of what might have happened. Despite the fact he’d stayed up later than he’d planned the night before, Justin got up early to pack all of his belongings into boxes. He’d arranged for them to be picked up and put into storage. The storage was going to cost fifty dollars a month for the smallest of units, but he didn’t want to take everything with him and he sure as hell didn’t want to ask Brian to put it in his storeroom. He knew the only way he’d survive this, was to make it a clean break. The night before at the gala held at Babylon, he’d smiled and carried around a glass of wine. Carried on conversations with head nods and the occasional yes or no, and generally looked like he was thrilled to be there and not pissed as hell with Brian, who by then, was on his way to Mardi Gras in Sydney, Australia. That was the surface Justin; inside he was planning the rest of his life. Or at least the next few months. He really didn’t want to think further than that. Every time the doors to Babylon opened filling the entrance with cold air, it strengthened his resolve, because he knew Brian was luxuriating in the warmth of Australia. Justin watched as his belongings were loaded up into the moving truck, leaving only a well filled duffle bag and over stuffed back pack. It was all he wanted to take with him. He might send for his things later, but for now, he wanted a clean break. Other than his mother, Justin hadn’t said a formal goodbye to any of his extended family and friends. Lindsay had pushed and pushed to have him head to New York and Justin wasn’t sure of her reasons. Was it because she genuinely felt he had talent, or did she just want him to leave Brian to her. Michael and Ben, along with Hunter, had their own lives and concerns and as long as Michael had his Rage drawings on time, Justin was sure he wouldn’t care where they came from. He did feel bad about leaving Debbie and Emmett, but he knew that he’d keep in touch with the two of them and that they would survive without him just fine. They had each other and with Carl Horvath coming back into their lives, it made things easier for them both. His mother had understood. She knew that he loved Brian with everything he had. And she suspected that Brian loved him as well. She certainly knew Brian was not the man everyone saw on the outside, but that he had a soft and needy side hidden away. Justin wanted her assurance that she would look in on the man and include him however she could, in her life with Molly. And then there was Brian. That took all of Justin’s inner strength. He called for a cab to take him to the airport and then called Brian’s cell phone. “Fuck Justin, do you know what time it is?” Brian barked when he answered. “I’m still in the Sydney Airport.” “Sorry,” Justin said, smiling at his lover’s words. “I just wanted to tell you that you were right. I should move forward with my life. I’m heading to New York. I do love you. I’m pretty sure I’ll always love you. But I’m going to take your advice and move on with my life. And Brian, maybe someday you and I can try this dance again. You never know, it might work. Have a great time at Mardi Gras. I’m sure it’ll be a hell of a lot colder in New York.” Justin sighed. “I love you Brian.” And he disconnected. Brian stared at the quiet phone in his hand, mouth open. Justin’s words had frozen him inside. He was so cold, he shivered in the air-conditioned airport and for a moment he felt almost surreal. It was what he wanted, wasn’t it? He wanted Justin to experience life, to go out on his own and not be held back by what he thought he wanted, whom he thought he loved. He stuffed his phone back in his pocket, still not sure what to think about the call. He’d need time to analyze it. As Brian walked through the airport doors and out into the heat of Sydney, he had to wonder if he’d made a mistake. He knew now that he could have regrets and he didn’t like it one damn bit. Justin didn’t look out the window on the drive to the airport. He didn’t want to feel like he was leaving for good, more like he was going on vacation. It was the little things, Justin thought, that kept one sane, or at least not babbling. The flight was a blank, it was like he’d been in some kind of time warp, beginning in Pittsburgh and ending in New York. The bus ride into the city was almost exciting. The people, the buildings, the very smell of the New York had always excited him. Justin grinned to himself remembering his childish running away and the subsequent hot sex when Brian had found him. He wished for a moment he hadn’t remembered, because he knew that this time there would be no Brian running to the rescue, but rather only himself to do or die as they say. Justin got off the bus in the heart of the city; for no other reason than it looked fun with all the stores and people. He lugged his case into the closest Starbucks, snagging a local newspaper on the way in. Settling himself in a comfortable chair that looked out on the sidewalk, Justin ordered his coffee and bought a ready-made sandwich. He knew they always looked better than they tasted, but he was hungry enough to eat anything. His coffee was finally ready and he sat down, grateful for the time to relax and catch his breath. He could stay in a hotel for a night or two, but he didn’t want to rush into anything right away. He’d learned that lesson the hard way. “Do you mind if I sit here?” Justin looked up to see a soldier with a coffee in his hand looking down at him. “No go ahead.” He nodded at the other armchair. “I’m alone, no one is joining me.” “Thanks.” The soldier sat down and sighed. It was apparent to Justin that the man wanted to talk. “So are you stationed near here?” Justin asked. “Close, but no, I’m heading to Iraq. My ride is late.” It was then that Justin noticed the heavy military bag on the floor by the chair. “That sucks.” He said, then. “Sorry, didn’t mean to offend you.” “That’s okay. I think it sucks too.” The man shrugged. “Thomas Erickson,” he held out his hand for Justin to shake. “Justin Taylor.” Justin shook the man’s hand. “How long will you be gone for?” “I’m in the middle of a tour, I only came home because my wife was ill. But since it’s nothing that’s a quick fix, I’m afraid duty calls and my leave has ended.” Justin didn’t know what to say to that. “I just came from Pittsburgh. I’m going to pursue my dream here.” He laughed. “Actually I’m here to see if my art is worth living for or if I should just think of it as a nice hobby.” “My wife is an artist.” Thomas smiled. “She’s rather well known in fact. Kaitlyn Mossby” “Cool, I’ve read some good articles on her work.” Justin grinned. “Didn’t she have a show a month ago?” “Yes she did and it did darn good. That’s when we found out about her problem. She collapsed. At first everyone thought it was from overwork, but it ended up being a congenital heart problem.” He shook his head. “It was enough to spring me back here, but not enough to keep me here.” He looked at Justin, “So, have you found a place yet?” he nodded at the paper that was turned to the rentals section. “Not yet, but I haven’t really looked.” Justin stared out the window for a moment. “I’m not sure what area I want to be in, but was hoping to find something kind of central to all the activity. “Kaitlyn likes it here.” He hesitated. “Would you consider sharing an apartment, well more a loft than an apartment; but there are two bedrooms, three actually and a rather nice studio.” “You know of one?” Justin looked interested. “Yes, our place. Kaitlyn is living there alone, and frankly with her heart problem, I’m not too happy that she’s all alone.” Justin laughed. “You remind me of someone else who thinks he has to run things. You might check with Kaitlyn before you foist another man on her. Not to mention that I might be an axe murderer or something.” “Are you? An axe murderer or something?” Thomas asked. “Cause from where I sit you look like a young, not bad looking guy, who is gay.” “How do you know if I’m gay?” Justin looked at him curiously. “I don’t think I’m all that flaming.” “Maybe because you check out all the guys who walk past the window and ignore the women.” He pointed at the insignia on his uniform. “Special Forces, we’re trained to observe.” A military vehicle was double parked in front of the Starbucks. “Look, I have to go. He pulled a pad of paper from his pocket and scribbled on it. “This is our address and phone number. I’ll call Kaitlyn and let her know you may be in touch.” In Australia, Brian’s hotel was near the heart of the Mardi Gras celebrations. The hotel he’d picked was full of men who’d traveled from all over the world just for this. Rather than begin his stroll, Brian headed to his room to rest telling himself he wanted to get rid of any jet lag before he began to fuck and drink. But what he really wanted to do was to think about Justin’s last phone call and maybe call the blond to add his own thoughts to what Justin planned on doing. Justin watched Thomas throw his pack into the back of the truck and climb in after it. The man threw Justin a jaunty wave before the truck pulled away into traffic leaving Justin to stare at the torn page with an address and phone number on it. He finished his latte and stood up to get another just as young girl ran into the Starbucks. “Thomas, Thomas.” She called looking around frantically. “Uh, are you Kaitlyn?” Justin asked. She nodded. “Sit down, Thomas just left.” Justin led her to the recently vacated chair. The woman was looking pale, her lips almost blue as she gasped for air. She looked around and then at Justin as she sat down, and finally realizing what he’d said, she burst into tears. It was Justin’s turn to look around frantically for some way of coping, he quickly grabbed some napkins from the counter and handed them over. She thanked him silently through grey tear filled eyes. “I’m Justin Taylor.” He said sitting back down. “Can I get you a latte or something?” Kaitlyn shook her head no, sniffling loudly. “Your husband seems nice.” She nodded. “He was worried about you.” Justin held out his torn page. “He said he was going to call you about getting a room mate.” “Room mate?” she managed to ask. “I’m not looking for a room mate.” Justin laughed. “I didn’t think you were. But your husband is a determined guy. He figures you need someone to look after you. My boyfriend, I guess former boyfriend, is a lot like that. He’s always trying to run my life, with the best intentions of course.” Kaitlyn smiled a watery smile. “Tommy is like that.” She sniffed. “We were fighting, that’s why he had his pick up here instead of home. I was so mad and now he’s gone and I feel like such an idiot.” “He’ll call you.” Justin smiled. “My boyfriend would never call me, but something about Thomas, tells me he’ll call.” “I know.” She sighed. “It was such a stupid argument. I want a baby and Tommy says no.” “He mentioned you have some kind of heart problem. Maybe he’s afraid having a child would be hard on you.” “I know.” She wiped a stray tear. “But the thing is, I’m so afraid for him in Iraq. I just want a part of him with me. Is that stupid or selfish?” “I’m kind of the wrong person to ask. I can’t get pregnant and Brian already has a child. I doubt he’d be pleased if I could have one.” Justin shrugged and grinned. “But damn, I can see the attraction, I have to admit.” “Is Brian your boyfriend?” “Kind of, but we’ve agreed to disagree on a few things, one of which is his extra curricular activities and the second one, my career or lack thereof. I’m an aspiring artist.” Kaitlyn’s phone rang and she fumbled with it in her haste to answer. “I’m so sorry Tommy.” She began. Justin stood up to get them both something to drink and to give her a bit of privacy. He returned with an iced tea for them both, not sure if she was a coffee drinker. “That was Tommy.” Kaitlyn said with a smile. “He told me about meeting you.” “Are things okay with the two of you now?” Justin asked, handing her the frosty cup of passion tea. “Thanks.” She smiled at him. “I think so. It will be.” Shaking her head, she really looked at Justin. “If you want to see the loft and don’t mind living with a semi crazy fellow artist, I think we might be able to help each other’s career. I do have a spare room and I won’t be having wild parties or anything.” “I’m not sure.” Justin began. “It kind of seems rather bizarre, this meeting and arrangement.” “I won’t charge a lot of rent if you take out the garbage.” She grinned. “How can I resist an offer like that?” Justin laughed. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Two Weeks Later in Pittsburgh: Brian’s plane was late arriving. He was tired and pissed at everything. Time after time he’d tried to shake his bad mood, but damned if he could. What was worse, he really had no explanation for why he was feeling the way he was. No explanation for the feeling of dread deep in the pit of his stomach at the thought of returning to his loft. No explanation for the emptiness or loneliness he’d felt during the two weeks in Australia where he was surrounded by good looking, horny gay men, all in the mood to fuck or suck. He’d debated calling Michael or even Ted to pick him up at the airport and then decided he didn’t need the aggravation of having to listen to either of them. Michael would be whining about Justin’s leaving and Ted would be whining about Kinnetik. It was just too much to contemplate and made his head ache just thinking about it. So instead of having a smiling blond bouncing up to him at the luggage carousel, Brian pulled off his case amidst equally grumpy and disheveled travelers. The cab ride to the loft was made in silence, once Brian had growled at the driver about his distaste for meaningless chat with someone he didn’t know and didn’t want to know. He tried to block out memories of Justin’s happy chatter as he’d talk to cab drivers and find out their life history and that of their wives, kids and assorted pets. It used to amuse him, Justin’s ability for making friends with anyone no matter who they were or where they met. He paid the driver who rewarded his taciturn rudeness by flipping the trunk open from inside allowing Brian the pleasure of getting his own bag out. He’d barely slammed the trunk shut when the cab driver sped away, sending a spray of slush up Brian’s pant legs. Cursing loudly, Brian headed to the building. He checked his mail box on the way up and was surprised to see that it was empty. He figured the building super must have emptied the box for him. It would have been filled to overflowing by now. There was no question about taking the elevator, jet lag was beginning to set in, so it was with relief when he opened the loft door to find that it had been freshly cleaned; though Brian was sure he’d told the cleaning service to skip the last couple of weeks once he’d found out Justin had left. He pulled his luggage to the bedroom, hung up his coat and then headed for the kitchen counter where his mail was stacked in a wicker basket he didn’t remember ever seeing before. On top was a folded piece of stationary with his name written across. Intrigued, Brian opened it and was surprised to see it was from Jennifer Taylor. Brian, I brought your mail up and had the cleaning service come in. I took the liberty of making sure you had something fresh in your fridge. I know you’ll no doubt be tired after your trip. Justin says to tell you hello. Jennifer Slightly bemused, Brian put the note to one side and began to flip through his mail. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin and Kaitlyn sat side by side on the sofa in the living room staring at the small stick, willing it to change color. “I think it’s changing.” Justin whispered, as if somehow quiet was necessary. “I think so too.” Kaitlyn shut her eyes, “Tell me when it does and then tell me real quick what color it is.” “I can’t look.” Justin’s eyes were shut now. The two friends held hands and leaned back on the sofa. “Maybe if we do it together on the count of three.” “Okay, but let’s wait until we’re absolutely sure the color is going to change.” “Sounds like a plan.” Justin tried not to hold his breath, but it seemed like the thing to do. “Now, one, two, three.” Kaitlyn gasped. They sat forward together, eyes trained on the stick. “IT’S PINK, IT’S PINK, IT’S PINK.” She screamed. “I do believe we’re having a baby.” Justin grinned at her. “Thomas is going to be pissed at with you.” “Hey it takes two.” Kaitlyn grinned. “But I’m not going to tell him until we’re sure it’s going to stick. He’ll only worry about me and he has enough to worry about in Iraq.” She rubbed her flat belly. “Hey kid, your daddy is going to love you to bits and pieces.” “And so is your Uncle Justin.” Justin said to her belly. “I heard that you should play classical music to the baby while it’s incubating. It stimulates their brain development.” “But… no violin music they said together as they collapsed in giggles. Justin had told Kaitlyn his history with Brian. Though while he was laughing with his friend, he knew that he was crying inside for the memories the words brought forward. “Justin, I promise I’ll go to my doctor first thing tomorrow.” Kaitlyn was suddenly serious. “I don’t want anything happening to the bean.” “I don’t want anything happening to you. I promised Thomas I’d keep you safe.” Justin looked serious. “You can come with me if you want, to the doctors I mean.” “Try and keep me away.” Justin pulled her into a hug. “This is my first baby.” “This is my first baby too.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A thousand times a day Brian picked up the phone to call Justin and a thousand times he put it down without dialing even the first number. Justin had made his decision and Brian had to be man enough to honor that choice. Until that last phone call, he’d never realized just how much he counted on talking to Justin. He liked to discuss his work day, to talk over any problems. To bitch about hardships or to celebrate winning a new client. He liked to hear the soft husky laugh when Justin said his name and feel the tingle deep inside when the phone rang and Justin’s number appeared. The ringing of his phone brought Brian back to the real world. “Kinney.” He barked, he knew it would only be business, or worse case scenario, Michael or Lindsay. “Brian, I wanted to congratulate you on the award your received last night. Imagine another Clio. Justin always told me how brilliant you are at advertising. I guess I’m just going to have to believe him now.” Jennifer laughed. “I have a business meeting near you in an hour. I was wondering if I could take you out for a celebratory drink, or perhaps dinner. I’d love to see you again.” “Thank you Jennifer.” Brian was slightly astonished. “I never did thank you for having the loft ready for me. Maybe it’s me who should be buying you a drink to say thank you.” “I’ll tell you what, we’ll each have one. I’m sure I can handle two glasses of wine.” She giggled and Brian was reminded of Justin. “I’ll stop in at Kinnetik when I’m done.” “I’ll be waiting Jennifer.” Brian said before he disconnected. “Now that was strangely interesting.” He said aloud. “What was that Boss?” Ted asked, coming through the door with papers in his hand. “Nothing Ted, now what do you want?” “Just a few things to sign and this package came for you. The mail boy put it on my desk.” He studied the return address. “It’s from a clipping service.” “You are observant.” Brian snarked, all but grabbing the package. “Make sure the next mail boy you hire knows how to read and where the offices are.” “But Brian…” Ted began only to be dismissed with a curt nod of Brian’s head. He waited for Ted to close his office door before slitting open the package and pulling out the few clippings inside and the attached letter. It wasn’t much, just a small local neighborhood newspaper. But the picture was of Justin standing with his arm around a young woman named Kaitlyn Mossby, who was an up and coming artist. There wasn’t much, other than the caption under the picture. Brian skimmed the letter, it was a standard contract for the clipping service. He quickly signed it for a year’s worth of service and put it into the enclosed return envelope. It wasn’t much, but it would allow him to keep up with Justin’s life. And then there was Jennifer. They’d never been close, never really talked much over the years. And yet she kept turning up since Justin had left. He’d have to ask her today what was up. “Jennifer Taylor is here to see you.” Brian’s receptionist was nervous. She hated interrupting her boss when his office door was closed. “Send her in.” Brian finished reading what was on his computer screen before saving it and closing the lid. “Hey Jennifer.” He smiled and stood up, walking around his desk to give her a quick hug in greeting. “This is the first time I’ve been here since your opening.” She looked around. “You’ve done amazing things with the building.” “Justin had something to do with the decorating.” Brian admitted. “I could see his hand in this.” She smiled. “He has a softer touch than you do. But then I guess you know this.” “Yes, I admit he’s softer than I am.” Brian smirked. “Now let’s go get that drink.” He placed his hand on her back, steering her out the door before she made any more observations. But he was too late, Jennifer had seen the two silver framed photos of Justin, one on Brian’s credenza and one on a small table in a corner. She smiled at the small show of vulnerability and wondered if the day would ever come when both men would grow up. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin missed Brian every second of every day. But he lived, he laughed and he fell in love with his room mate Kaitlyn. Not the kind of love he felt for Brian. Nothing could compare to that, not now and not ever. But the kind of love he’d felt for Daphne. A love that was not as fulfilling, but a viable love nevertheless. It was hard to explain, though he’d tried on a number of occasions through his sketches and paintings. And like Brian had with him., Justin did his best to show Kaitlyn how he felt by the things he did for her. “Justin, are you going into the gallery today?” Kaitlyn asked as she stood in her bathrobe drying her hair. “Not until noon.” Justin was barefoot and shirtless in front of an easel in the studio. “I’m working noon until six today.” He’d found a job only a few blocks away thanks to Kaitlyn. It paid more than minimum and he got a commission for every sale he made. With Justin’s penchant for making friends and sunny personality, his commission sales were above average. “I have my first ultrasound. Do you want to come, the appointment is at ten.” “You have to ask?” Justin laughed. “Of course I want to see the bean.” He stepped back from the painting he was working on. It was clearly a mystical swirl of color that represented Kaitlyn’s pregnancy. “It’s amazing.” Kaitlyn said, her hand on her belly. “You are so talented Justin. Maybe George will let you show this one in the gallery.” “I’m not going to ask though.” Justin smiled. “I’m not really ready for that. But I will be someday.” “I can’t believe how great I feel. I mean I’ve barely had any morning sickness.” She smiled at Justin and twirled around. But Justin could see by the black circles around her eyes and the blue tinge to her lips, that she wasn’t as healthy as she pretended. “Have you told Thomas yet?” he asked. “I think now that you’re three months along, you can safely say the bean is hanging in there.” “I’ve scheduled a personal call on Sunday. I want to tell him when I can hear his voice.” But her voice quavered, she knew Thomas was going to be afraid for her and no doubt angry with himself for contributing to this predicament. “I think it’s best.” He pulled her into a hug, kissing her forehead. “Now I’m going to shower and change.” “I’ll make some breakfast.” “Why don’t you just sit down and put your feet up. I’ll put on coffee before I start my shower and I’ll get you some of that cereal you like.” “Justin.” She began. “Indulge me. I want you to rest.” He kissed her forehead again before leaving the studio. Kaitlyn stayed in front of the painting. Justin was better than good. She let herself sink to the floor where she sat cross legged looking at the swirls of color, reading everything he’d put into the painting. It was then she made a decision, one that she’d have to discuss with her Tommy. Leaning back against the wall, Kaitlyn sighed with pleasure. She knew her body, she knew she was weaker than she liked to admit. Tommy had been right, having a baby was going to be hard, harder than she wanted to admit. She thanked God every night for bringing Justin into her life. Kaitlyn wasn’t sure she could have managed if he hadn’t been with her every step of the way so far. When the doorbell rang, Justin was just putting the finishing touches on his hair. He bounded down the steps to see who was there. He was sure his heart stopped when he saw the two Marines standing, hats off when he opened the door. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Brian, are you coming with us to Babylon tonight?” Michael asked. They were at the diner, the whole gang having breakfast. “I’m there all the time Mikey, what’s different about tonight?” “I didn’t mean as the owner, I meant dancing and having fun.” Michael finished his coffee and signaled for another. “I have an appointment earlier in the evening, and frankly I wasn’t planning on stopping by the club. That’s why I pay my manager such good money, so I don’t have to be there every damn night.” He nudged Ted who was sitting beside him. “Isn’t that right Theodore?” “Right Brian” Ted continued tearing up his toast into tiny little bits. It was one of those days when he would have killed for a hit of something. He’d have to find a meeting soon. “Where are you going Brian?” Emmett asked, “Do you have a date?” “Yes, he’s short, but incredibly hot.” Brian snarked. He was taking Gus for the weekend, not that it was any of the gang’s business. He was in a foul mood. The clipping agency hadn’t found anything lately to send. He was almost at the point of hiring an investigator. At least then he’d know whom Justin was seeing and where he was living. Jennifer was decidedly closed mouth about her son’s address. Of course Brian had never actually come out and asked for it. But he figured she might have dropped a hint or two by now. “It’s nice to see you’ve put Justin behind you.” Michael grinned. “He’s a nice kid, but shit Brian, you can do better.” Brian glared at his old friend and pushed Ted. “Out of the way Theodore, I’m late for work.” “It’s Saturday, you never go in to Kinnetik on Saturday.” Ted began. “Who said I was going to Kinnetik?” Brian stood up and threw some money on the table before leaving the diner. He was taking Jennifer, Molly and Gus to the circus that was in the city for the week. Over the past few months he’d discovered he rather enjoyed having the Taylor girls as he referred to them, becoming part of his life with Gus. It made Justin seem like he too was part of the family, though his name was rarely mentioned. Brian walked back to the loft. Instead of taking his corvette, he clicked the lock on a sturdy SUV with a child seat in the rear. He used it when he traveled with Gus. It was much more child friendly than the boyfriend replacement therapy car, as Michael had called it. He was picking Gus up first. It would give him time to listen to the boy’s chatter, a time he was coming to enjoy more and more. He’d even taken over the other loft on the same floor as his in order to make room for frequent sleepovers. Gus was thrilled with his new bedroom, though his mothers weren’t quite as thrilled, as his room at his father’ held more appeal than the one at his mother’s. At Jennifer’s ,she was on the phone to Justin. “Do you want me to come?” she asked her son. “No, there’s nothing you can do.” Justin sighed. “Kaitlyn will be in the hospital for at least a week. After that she’s going to have to be almost completely bed ridden if she wants to keep the baby. The doctor said she isn’t to have any kind of excitement.” “She’s lucky to have you there.” Jennifer’s voice was sad. “I wish I had you.” She shook her head. “That was a selfish thing to say. I’ll keep Kaitlyn in my prayers. If you need anything, let me know. I have some extra cash. I sold three houses this month.” “That’s okay mom. I sold a few paintings.” He laughed, though his laugh was sad. “Life really sucks sometimes, doesn’t it. I mean, we have these dreams of what we want to do or be and just when you’re the happiest, something comes and bites you in the ass.” “I know what you mean.” Jennifer’s heart ached for her son. She knew he had feelings for Kaitlyn and she knew he desperately loved Brian. If he survived the next few years without lashing out somehow, she’d be grateful. “Molly and I are going to the circus with Brian and Gus today.” “I’m glad you’ve kept in touch with Brian. Take a couple of pictures for me, would you?” It was the closest he’d come to asking about Brian. “I have to go, the doctor just came out of Kaitlyn’s room. I want to talk to him before he disappears. Bye mom. I love you.” Justin disconnected, his mind torn between Brian and Gus having fun at the circus and Kaitlyn, her heart broken, lying in a hospital room. Justin spoke to the doctor for a few minutes before going into Kaitlyn’s room. She was hooked up to a number of monitors, but her color was better than it had been when she’d been brought in. “Hey Kat.” He said and kissed her forehead. “The doctor showed me some great pictures of the bean, did you see them?” Kaitlyn smiled a watery smile. “You have to stop calling her the bean.” “Well I admit, she’s looking less like a bean these days.” He rubbed her very slightly protruding belly. “I think I’ll call her JB.” “Let me guess, Jelly Bean?” Kaitlyn almost chuckled. “Maybe.” He smiled. “Now Kat about you. I’m afraid you’re stuck in here for a couple of days. They want to monitor you and JB and then I’ll take you home.” “Thomas is coming home in three weeks.” She said, not noticing her tears. “I have to be better for his funeral.” “We’ll make it somehow. I want to say goodbye to him too.” Justin blinked back his tears. He had to be strong for his friend. “Do you think he’ll know about the baby somehow? Will he be mad at me?” “No one could be mad at you, least of all your Tommy.” Justin took her hand. “He’s probably looking down on you now. He’ll be your guardian angel that’s for sure.” “I’d like to think that.” She sighed. “You won’t let JB forget about her father, will you?” “How could I, you’ll have his pictures up all over when she’s growing up.” “I’m not so sure I’ll be there.” Kaitlyn admitted. “But I’ll sure do my best.” “I brought you a sketch pad and some pencils.” Justin patted a bag on the table by her bed. “Why don’t you get some sleep now and when you wake up, you can draw JB a picture of her dad. She’ll like that.” “You just want me to keep busy.” “You know how much an artist’s work appreciates in value once they die. I’m hedging my bets.” He teased, knowing she shared his rather dark sense of humor. It was just what Kaitlyn needed. She burst out laughing. “You are the absolute worst room mate in the world.” Justin kissed her forehead. “Make sure you sign all your drawings, a date would be good too. I’m going to go home and get some sleep. I’ll be back this evening.” “I know what paintings are there, don’t you dare send them to the gallery.” She laughed. “Damn, okay, I guess I’ll just nap.” He smiled as he walked to the door. “Later Kat.” “Meow.” She said back as she closed her eyes. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Honey, I’m home.” Justin shouted as he took the stairs two at a time. He tried to be cheerful and lively when he was around his Kat. He found her in the studio sitting on a stool in front of a blank canvas. “Hey, let me guess, it’s a polar bear in a snow storm.” “Asshole.” She muttered. “I can’t reach the damn canvas, JB keeps kicking.” She rubbed her belly. “I’ve also decided you have to marry me.” “Pardon me?” Justin stopped in astonishment; he’d been heading for his own work in progress. “I’m gay, you’re a girl. Just a reminder ‘cause you’ve obviously forgotten.” “I’m also knocked up, Tommy is dead, we have no close relatives and I have a damn heart condition that could kill me. I want JB to have a live parent. I talked to my lawyer and just because I want you to have custody of JB, doesn’t mean it’ll happen. You’d have to go through the whole adoption thing as if you and I were strangers. They’d take my request into consideration, but meantime JB would possibly be in foster care. I don’t want that for her.” “Then we’ll get married.” Justin said, though his mind was hundreds of miles away with Brian. Brian would never understand. “You can divorce me after JB is born.” Kaitlyn said. “I mean you’d still be her father in the eyes of the law and that’s all that’ll count.” “We’ll just have to play it by ear. Now, are we having a big formal wedding?” he teased. “Cause I’ll need time to find a decent white dress. I am technically a virgin.” “You are not, you did it with Daphne, twice.” “But I had my eyes shut. That has to negate part of the deed. At least, enough to warrant a white dress.” Justin swished around the room making Kaitlyn laugh. “Did I mention you’re an idiot? I called downtown, we can get the license and bloodwork and be married in four days.” “That’s what I like about you. You’re a true romantic at heart.” Justin kissed her cheek. “You could call your mom and sister, they might want to come to the wedding.” “I don’t think so Kat. This one is just for you and me and JB. There’s no point in getting my mom all in a dither.” “It’s Brian, isn’t it? You don’t want him to know you’re married.” “Brian, well Brian wouldn’t understand.” Justin walked to the window to stare outside. “I… well I’d always secretly hoped that it would be Brian I’d marry. Not that he would even consider doing the deed. But it was a nice fantasy. It still is a nice fantasy.” “You love your Brian the way I love my Tommy.” She brushed a tear away. “He’s waiting for me. I know he is. I can see him sometimes looking down at me. He has the sweetest smile. Every time I see it I melt inside.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Daddy, who ‘dis?” Gus held out a small open box filled with pictures. Brian took the box from his son’s hands. “Who is this?” he corrected. “The pictures are of a friend of mine.” He smiled as he walked over to a tall cabinet and placed the box inside. “Gus, please don’t go into daddy’s drawers in the bedroom.” “Man is pretty, like an angel.” Gus smiled as he danced away across the sunlit hardwood floors in Brian’s loft, already forgetting the pictures in the box. But Brian didn’t forget them. He knew each one, having looked at them almost every night. He’d been surprised at how many pictures he’d had on his computer from his years with Justin. Different events they’d attended inevitably had someone with a camera who was willing to send him their photographic efforts. On a whim he’d printed each and every one of them out. It had been almost nine months since Justin had left him for a new life in New York City. Despite the fact that Brian managed to put in an eighty hour week at Kinnetik, he still mourned the loss of the blond who had wiggled his way into his heart. It wasn’t something he’d admit though. Certainly not to anyone other than himself and then only when the silence of the loft and the loneliness in his heart became too much for him to bear. Strangely he developed an almost family like relationship with Justin’s mother and young sister over the past few months. When he did allow himself time to relax, most often it was with the Taylors and Gus. Gus had taken to calling Jennifer, Grandma and Molly, Auntie Molly, much to Lindsay’s chagrin. His buzzer rang, announcing Jennifer and Molly’s arrival. They were bringing over a picnic lunch and some movies to entertain Gus. He’d had a touch of bronchitis and couldn’t go outside. “Hey.” Brian kissed Jennifer and then Molly. “The monster child awaits.” Gus, who normally would have run over exuberantly was sulking over some slight. Jennifer and Brian watched Molly go to Gus and in seconds she had the boy giggling. “Molly is used to sulking.” Jennifer laughed. “Her older brother spent a lot of his childhood with his bottom lip out.” “I can only imagine.” Brian grinned, remembering a few lip out times with Justin and the resulting make up sex. “Brian, I know we don’t talk about this, but have you heard from Justin?” Jennifer looked down at her hands. “Jennifer, all I know is that he’s in New York and seems to be doing what he makes him happy.” “He isn’t really. He’s been working long hours and barely has time to paint. But I suppose fame comes with time and experience.” She sighed. “It’s just that I usually hear from him at least once a week. Even if it’s a quick phone call or an email. But I haven’t heard a word for almost three weeks. Time just goes by so quickly that I didn’t notice until the other day just how long it had been. I called him but his phone isn’t in service any longer. I know he had money to pay the bill. So it isn’t that.” Her voice trailed off. “I’m going to New York on business next week. If you give me his address I can stop by and see what’s up.” Brian offered. He wouldn’t mind seeing the blond. At least that’s what he told himself. “I’d like that Brian.” Jennifer paused. “But if it bother’s you too much, seeing Justin I mean, please don’t do it.” She had her hand on Brian’s arm and he could see that she was just as concerned for his feelings as she was for her son. Brian’s heart lurched and the last of the walls he’d held onto disappeared under the love and concern Jennifer had for him. “I’ll be okay.” He mumbled, turning away so she wouldn’t see how her words had affected him. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tuesday morning Brian stood outside the old building that had been converted into lofts. The neighborhood was one of those tree lined, small town, kind of anomalies that are tucked away in a lot of large cities. Brian thought it was a perfect place for Justin to have found his way to. He could almost see the blond walking down the street, juggling take out containers from Starbucks with books and his messenger bag. He looked up to the windows where Justin’s apartment was to see if there was some kind of life. He’d rung the bell too many times for it to be ignored. “Can I help you mister?” Brian turned to see a middle-aged woman looking up at him. “I was hoping to find my friend at home.” Brian nodded up at the building. He lives on the top floor.” “Oh such a sad place that one.” She shook her head and looked away. “The apartment is empty. Though I suppose it won’t be for long, no one cares how much death or heartache filled a place here in New York. They only care about finding it empty.” “Death?” Brian’s voice shook. “First there was that darling Tommy Erickson, killed serving his country. And now I heard his wife died as well. Such a sad little thing.” “What about the blond boy, Justin Taylor. He lived here.” “Oh, I don’t know much about him. He was hardly ever here, always working, that one was, coming and going early in the morning and late at night. He hasn’t been here for at least two or three weeks. Not since the young Mrs. died.” “Is there a rental company I can talk to. Maybe there’s a forwarding address.” “Oh, no dear. Each loft is privately owned. I imagine this one will be sold by the young Mrs. estate.” “Thanks.” Brian nodded and walked away. He needed time to think. It was one thing to know that Justin was in New York relatively safely ensconced in a decent apartment. And quite another to find the young man was homeless. Brian pulled out his cell phone and tried dialing Justin’s cell once again. This time the phone went right to voice mail. “Mom if this is you. I’m fine, don’t worry, I can’t talk now. I’ll call when I can.” Brian debated on whether to leave a message, finally deciding not to. Justin would let Jennifer know where he was and what he was up to when he was ready. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin sat by the incubator and watched JB breathe. He was fascinated by each breath she took, breathing with her, willing her to take another. He’d been there for three weeks, ever since she’d been born with heart problems much like her mother had, only worse as it showed up right away. His fingers traced an invisible line in the air, the outline of JB’s first surgery scar. From what they’d told him, it would be the first of at least three. Even though his Kat had been dead for almost the whole three weeks, she’d lived long enough to hold her child and kiss both Justin and JB before her heart had finally given out. Justin still was unable to take in the fact that his Kat wasn’t with him to laugh and joke life into their child. Only the firm belief Kat had held that she’d be with her Tommy kept Justin relatively sane. “She’s a fighter.” Justin looked up to see JB’s doctor. “She is.” Justin smiled with love at the baby. “I hear you calling her JB, but isn’t her name..” the doctor hesitated. “JB is kind of a pet name we had for her.” Justin reached his inside to stroke the side of her face. “She likes it when I touch her.” He looked at the doctor. “Her color is good today.” “Yes and I see she gained two ounces. You can take her home soon.” “The thought terrifies me.” Justin admitted. “Terrifies me and thrills me at the same time.” “Babies are a lot tougher than they look. Even this little one.” “But still…” Justin’s voice trailed off. “I’m not her mother.” “No, but you are her father for all intents and purposes. She depends on you. She feels safe around you. I can see how she feels just by looking at the monitors when you’re around. The two of you will be just fine.” Justin had had a lot of time to think about how he was going to cope with a child, a child that needed him perhaps more than most. He had started a company with Kat’s help a few months before, doing freelance graphic design. But he wasn’t sure he’d have enough time to give it what it needed and look after JB. He sometimes became lost in the complexities of the design, ignoring the world around him. Of course he would be all right financially for a few months. JB’s medical expenses were covered by Kat’s insurance. But he didn’t want to eat up her inheritance to live. He needed to provide for them both. Justin thought longingly of Brian and how good it would feel to share this burden with the man he loved. But Brian wasn’t ready for that. He hadn’t been ready to spend his life with Justin ten months before. It wasn’t too likely he’d be willing to make the necessary sacrifices for Justin and JB. He needed to stay close to the Sick Kids Hospital just in case, so moving far wasn’t an option. He’d probably go back to the loft apartment. It was big enough for the two of them and despite its memories, would be a good place to raise a child. Justin stroked JB’s arm, her cheek, her leg. He needed the contact just as much as she did. “It’s almost time for your lunch JB.” He whispered. It was one of the reasons he stayed, that half hour he could hold her close and encourage the tiny rosebud lips to suckle the bottle of warm formula. “I’ll give you your lunch and then start the wheels turning to get our home cleaned up and supplies in. Looks like it’s you and me against the world.”