No Regrets X 2 -2 Plot Bunny by Judy Dedicated to Phil and Mike Excerpt from: No Regrets It was winter and damn cold in Pittsburgh. That was nothing new, but this time I felt the cold worse than I ever had before. I was alone and it was my own fault. Of course my friends all commiserated with me. After all, my boyfriend, yes my boyfriend had cheated on me and then had the nerve to leave me in front of our family and friends at a party that I’d paid for to celebrate his accomplishment. Of course they hadn’t been with us for week after week as he slowly died inside, trying to match his lifestyle with mine. And I knew it. I recognized each dying breath. Yet I selfishly did nothing except perhaps push the sword in a bit further and maybe give it a twist or a slight turn. And when he met the ‘other’ man, or in this case boy, I knew the moment it happened. I knew and I steeled myself for the inevitable. I said nothing; I did nothing to reassure him of my love. I acted like the asshole of my reputation. And I managed to fuck up the only good thing that had happened to me since I was three. I asked him point blank if he knew what he was doing. And he told me clearly what he wanted. I not only heard the words he said, but I heard the words that were shouted from inside his head. All the words that he didn’t dare say for fear of losing me, though in his heart, he already had. To confirm what he dreaded, I told him that I could never say the words he wanted to hear. Which was stupid and foolish and every other word there is to describe what I did. I pushed him away from me time and time again, for fear he would leave me like he was doing now. Did I win or did I lose the game? The winner of the game we played was neither of us. He was heart broken and so was I. And I accomplished what? I was subject to ridicule from those who looked with glee on what unfolded. I was pitied by others who thought they knew me. I was congratulated by a few who put the blame on him, the one who was younger in years and yet a thousand years older in wisdom and infinitely stronger than I could ever hope to be. And I continued to exist in my cold and sterile loft. Never before had I felt so alone. Though strangely enough, I still felt loved. I knew he loved me. I knew he always would, just as I would always love him, no matter that we were apart in body, our hearts and souls would be together forever. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin’s fingers flew against the linen texture of the heavy vellum. He had made the decision along with the publisher that Daphne had found for him, to go with his main talent. A book would be published filled with his wordless portraits that looked into the soul of the man he loved. The titles alone would be the only clue and of course his memories and those of Brian. How could either of them forget each and every moment of their thirteen years together? Though he was hoping to sneak in perhaps one or two pictures of their fourteenth year. It would depend of course on the publishing time. He held the sketch up at arms length. It was one of the more painful sketches he had made so far. Not the most painful, but damn close. It was Brian as he stood amidst the revelry at Babylon the night Justin had done his damndest to break both of their hearts. Justin blinked back a tear and then wiped his eye with the back of his hand. It hadn’t been a long absence, considering the length of time they’d been together now. But fuck it had been filled with pain and anger and so many tears, it was a wonder he’d not been arrested for doing drugs, his eyes were almost always permanently red. He closed his eyes for a moment, his sketchbook closed. “Hey Sunshine, allergies bothering you?” It was Brian. “How do you do that? You walk quieter than a damn cat.” Justin grumbled. Brian laughed and kissed Justin’s hair. “Let me change my clothes. I’ll join you in contemplating life.” Brian headed for the stairs and soon disappeared. Justin smiled. Brian could do that to him. A barely felt kiss on his hair and he had butterflies in his tummy like the same love sick kid who had tagged after his idol so long ago. While Brian changed his clothes, Justin took the opportunity of making the last few strokes that would show the world the love and pain that were reflected in hazel eyes as he watched Justin walk out the door. He closed the sketch pad as Brian’s foot hit the bottom step. “I’ll grab you a beer.” Brian said. “I’d rather have an ice tea.” Justin replied. “Okay, I’ll have one too. I could use less carbs.” He laughed at the inside joke he and Justin shared about his aversion to carbs. “I have to admit, this red zinger ice tea is refreshing.” Brian handed Justin a tall cold glass filled to the brim. “I like the color.” “It’s always about color with you.” Brian laughed. “I’m sure that when you look at me you say to yourself, ‘hmmmm, he’s a nice color today.’ “Hey, how did you know?” Justin laughed; he leaned his head on Brian’s arm and stared out their window at the evening sun. “I know all about you little boy.” “Some little boy.” Justin snorted and he snuggled closer to Brian, much like the little boy Brian described. He adored the powerful arms that would surround him. They made him feel protected and safe. “What were you sketching?” Brian asked. He nodded his chin toward the sketch pad on the coffee table. “You.” “How unusual.” Brian joked. “What was I doing?” “Watching me leave.” Justin’s voice was soft. “Do I have to ask?” “No” “I’ll never forget it and I know that you won’t either. Why immortalize it in a sketch?” Brian was curious. “It’s you I’m immortalizing. It’s how I saw you at that instant before I turned and left.” Justin tilted his head up and kissed Brian’s lips gently. “I saw all the love you had for me and I saw all the fear and pain I was causing. And I knew what you were doing. I knew you were pushing me away and I was either too helpless or cowardly or just plain pissed with you to stop the wheel rolling.” “We both were fools.” Brian agreed. The pain of that night had long ago faded, though it still hurt when they discussed it. Brian had a fleeting prick of guilt. He and Justin rarely kept secrets from one another. The fact that he was writing a book to show the world and his partner how much he loved him, was a secret that was almost too large to keep. Yet it was a secret for his partner. It was a love story that deserved to be told in the way only an Irish story teller could. It was funny how his Irish heritage showed in his life. “You know what?” Justin asked. “What?” Brian laughed. It was always this way with the two of them. He knew what was coming and his cock stirred in anticipation. Justin’s hand found Brian’s cock and he rubbed it suggestively through the thin cotton of the older man’s casual pants. “You are way too easy old man.” Justin laughed. “You are way too obvious little boy.” Brian replied. He stood up pulling Justin with him.” Rather than traumatize Gus, let’s take this conversation to our room.” “It was your idea to give him a key.” Justin laughed. “I told you it would be better if he knocked.” “Shut up and let’s see who’s an old man.” Brian continued to lead a reluctant Justin toward their bedroom. The reluctance was put on and Brian knew it. It was another familiar game. It was funny Brian thought, that in all the years they’d been together, he’d never gotten tired of the body and touch of the man he was coaxing to bed. “Justin?” Brian asked “Have you ever regretted us?” His partner turned and looked into hazel eyes that showed more vulnerability than usual. “I’ve never regretted a damn thing, including that Rrage fiasco. It taught me a lot of life lessons in the instant I looked into your eyes. Ones I’ll never forget.” “I know what you mean.” Brian sighed. “I don’t regret it either though I could have done without the pain.” “Me too.” Justin smiled his trademark smile. “Come into my bedroom old man and let your baby punish you for being such an asshole.” “Uh, that was last night, tonight, it’s the ‘baby’ who gets his ass punished.” Brian flipped Justin up and over his shoulder. “No fair, you’re too fast.” Justin laughed as he let himself be placed none too gently on their bed. “Would you guys keep it down?” Gus called from his room. “Gus?” Brian and Justin said at once. “Who else?” Gus asked reasonably. “I mean it is Friday and it is seven o’clock in the evening. By the way, I’m starving.” “We didn’t hear you come in.” Justin began as he pulled his pants back up. Gus could walk in any moment. “Duh” was Gus’ reply. Brian rolled his eye’s heavenward. “Order in Chinese, you know what we like. I’m busy.” “Yeah, like you guys are always busy fucking. You’d think at your age like that would be far, far in the past. It’s fucking embarrassing. “ The words were spoken to himself, but Brian and Justin could hear each and every one of them. “Gus, keep your comments and your foul mouth to yourself.” Brian looked at Justin. “Are you still in the mood?” he asked softly before bending his head to devour Justin’s mouth, not allowing him to answer. Justin writhed under the ministrations of his partner. There was a time when Brian would have been pissed with Gus or anyone who interrupted them. He was a private person despite his penchant for public sex, and he hated being taken from anything he was doing, or anyone. “Hey guys, I thought you should know that Jenny is spending the night.” Gus giggled and so did Jenny. “I told you they still do it all the time.” He stage whispered to her. “Fuck” Justin said. “Yes, that’s what I had in mind.” Brian laughed. “I suppose it’ll have to be later. Maybe we should drive down to the river after dinner and make out in the car. I understand that’s what the kids do when they don’t have any damn privacy.” “So I’ve been told. I wouldn’t mind going to the river tonight.” Justin lifted his hand and traced Brian’s jaw line. “Have I told you lately that you are one hot looking guy?” “Not often enough Sunshine.” Brian bent and kissed the man he loved once again. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Excerpt from: No Regrets Until he left, I’d had no idea that whole conversations could take place without a word being spoken. I could listen to him for hours and sometimes I did. I’d sit in the diner on the pretext of reading the newspaper and eating lunch. Or I’d listen to the prattle of the gang on a Saturday after the gym while they ingested more calories than they had expended. All the while of course I was watching him talk to me. He’d tell me about the day he’d had up to then with the set of his shoulders or the smile on his face. I could read his smiles. I ached for his smiles. He had one with a slight quirk on the left side. One with a tiny curl of his lip that he’d reserve for Michael and Emmett. Or the closed lips, almost pursed that told me he’d had a bitch of a day. It was uncanny how we’d talk in silence. I’d lift one eyebrow and he’d answer with a twitch of one shoulder. I’d know he’d had a bad night. His eyes would cloud and I’d know it was a nightmare. I’d smile that smile I’d reserved only for him and his eyes would brighten, the nightmare forgotten. A conversation in silence that told me how he was doing. And I’d answer his unspoken questions with a pinch of the bridge of my nose. He’d know my day hadn’t gone well, a lemon square, unasked for and unwanted until I’d smell it’s lemon flavor and suddenly I’d be ravenous. He’d known my blood sugar was depleted and I catch a glimpse of the smile I loved , the one that lit up his eyes and warmed the room no matter how cold it was. These wordless conversations would take place under the watchful eyes of Debbie and Michael without anyone noticing. Only Emmett suspected and I’m almost sure he could read the two of us rendering our private conversation not so private after all. But my favorite of all of our lengthy conversations, were the ones that took place when chance would have me meet him and the banjo player on the street, or in the grocery store. His eyes would shift down in apology for hurting me once again. Mine would look stony in disgust while I refused to acknowledge I was hurt. His would flash in anger as he told me to mind my own business. I would return that flash with my tongue in cheek grin that I knew both pissed him off and turned him hard at the same time. All this would take place in a matter of seconds under the watchful gaze of the asshole he was with. But what he didn’t know and what I would never tell him, was that I was having a conversation with the asshole at the same time. I was shouting to him in words of one syllable so that he’d understand clearly. That Justin was mine and I was his and I’d be waiting and it wouldn’t be long. Writing this down brings to mind that painful conversation that tore strips off of both of our souls and ripped our hearts out. It was the one that took place that night in the backroom. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I looked and saw him there. His eyes were unfocused until they met mine. As I accepted his shouts of pain and betrayal, taking them into my body and hoping to sooth his hurt. I sent back my own ache because I’d learned my lesson well and truly, the pain your love feels is multiplied by ten in your own soul. He came with a soundless grunt, his body on automatic, though he accepted my gaze of comfort and thanked me with the barest of smiles before disappearing into the writhing bodies and thumpa thump of the Babylon night. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Hello sweetness.” Daphne giggled at the endearment. “Hello Jamie, considering I just said goodbye to you not an hour ago, why are you calling?” “Justin was here with another of his sketches. If I didn’t know better I’d swear that he and Brian were writing and sketching together.” “No kidding, another one to match Brian’s latest chapter?” she laughed. “I told you that it would happen this way. Those two are tuned into each other in ways that we can only hope to come close to. “ “I have to agree it’s uncanny.” He smiled; he loved to find excuses to call her during the day. “I’m having lunch with Justin today.” She smiled remembering the night they’d had together. “He promised he’d let me see what’s he written so far.” “His boyfriend doesn’t seem to have a problem keeping me posted on his progress. What’s with your Justin being so shy about his writing? I mean I am supposed to be his publisher.” “Brian makes his living manipulating words. The whole concept comes easy to him. I’m sure that’s why he doesn’t have a problem handing in his book sections as they’re written.” “It’s great for his editor all right. But I’ll be glad when this is finished. I’m not even gay and it makes me hot.” “You aren’t supposed to read it, his editor is.” She teased. “I can’t help it. I started and now I’m hooked. I want to know the ending.” He laughed. “You know the ending.” She laughed too. “Are you coming over tonight?” “Two men in one day girly, I suppose if I have to take seconds to your Justin.” “See you then.” She purred at him. Jamie had the ability to reduce her to a high school level and not the executive that she was now. Daphne smiled all morning thinking of Jamie and forgetting completely about Justin and his project until at ten past twelve he appeared in the doorway of her office. “Hey” he said and walked in heading immediately for the red leather sofa. “That’s it, just hey and you flop on the sofa.” She laughed and bounced over sitting on his belly. “You are such a loser Taylor.” “But, I’m your very bestest friend in the whole world.” He laughed and tried to shove her off of him. “Geeze Daphne, have you been putting on weight?” he complained. “Asshole.” She laughed and bent and kissed him. “And to think I once let you fuck me.” “I was very good too. I’m surprised you ever bothered to do it again after having me.” He joked. She rolled her eyes. “Get over yourself buddy.” She looked at his empty hands and then for his ever present mail bag. “Hey, I thought you were bringing me your epic.” “I left it at home. I thought you could come there. I have a painting I finished and I want you to see it. I thought maybe it would be good for the front cover of the book.” “Damn Justin, you haven’t even got the damn thing written or sketched or whatever you’re doing. And you have the cover art done?” “Apparently you don’t understand the mind of an artist. I’d think that by now you’d have a clue.” He crossed his legs and folded his arms under his head. “Artists think in terms of ‘art’ visual things. Tactile and tasty.” He grinned. “Or maybe I’m just hungry. I didn’t have much for breakfast.” “You and Brian are going to have to actually eat breakfast things like toast and not each other.” Daphne laughed. “But yes I would love to see your latest work and since I’ve been working closely with the publisher, I’d know whether it would work for the books cover.” “Daphne, it’s my book. Of course it’ll work for the cover.” Justin laughed. “Duh, Justin, you’re forgetting, a first time author doesn’t get to dictate things like book covers. He’s just damn lucky that the thing will go to press. Especially one who doesn’t want to show his face.” “It’ll give it an air of mystery.” Justin laughed and sat up. “But I am reconsidering the whole anonymous author thing. If I do use the sketches in the book, it’s pretty damn obvious who they are.” “Well, it’s obvious to the people around here. I’d suggest and I’m sure the publisher will also suggest that you get permission from anyone you mention in the book. It’s looking more and more like an autobiography and less and less like a work of fiction.” “This is a first draft Daphne. I’m using real names because it’s easier than making names up. The names will all be changed before it goes to press and some of the circumstances are out of my imagination.” “Changing the diner to a downtown restaurant isn’t changing the circumstances.” Daphne had this argument with Justin before. It was going to be a long along few months until he was ready to hand in the final draft. It wasn’t going much better with Brian either. Though he wasn’t as eager to hand over his rough draft to her for reading, he was progressing a lot faster than Justin. “Daphne, I have to admit this project is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I thought I’d have two years to write it. But it seems that if I expect it to be published in time for our fifteenth anniversary, it has to be done at least seven months before that time. And done means, all the final drafts in and everything approved by the editor.” “You can do it.” Daphne pulled him up off of the sofa and began to lead him out of her office. “You have motivation in the form of your handsome partner.” The two friends continued to chat on their way to Justin and Brian’s home. It wasn’t too far from the downtown part of the city. It was on one of those forgotten streets that are tucked away in every city and filled with stately older homes. Justin and Brian had discovered their house on ana evening’s walk one spring day. They’d taken to walking to and from the loft to work each day and liked to vary their route. It gave them both time to unwind and it was a perfect way for them to discuss their day and any life problems they might have encountered. It was a neutral territory so to speak and both of them felt they could open up to each other on these walks. On a whim, Justin turned right down what was to become their street, rather than walk to the next block before heading to the loft. The night was approaching and it was at that quiet part of the evening when things were almost surreal in appearance. Part way down the block Justin’s mother was placing a for sale sign on the front lawn of a house. They stopped to talk to her and in doing so, Justin and Brian both turned to face the house that she was selling. The old red brick seemed to glow in the sunset that framed the house. The two men looked at each other in that way they had, rarely using words and silently agreed then and there that it was going to be their house. “I love the way you had the rock wall cleaned up.” Daphne commented when they turned toward the front gate. “We had to take the ivy off to repair the thing. When I saw the color in the stones after they were cleaned, I told the landscaping place not to bother putting the ivy back. I kind of like this look.” Justin paused to admire the low rock wall that surrounded their property. “Brian didn’t care one way or another, I’m sure he doesn’t even look at the outside of the house. He’s too worried about me cluttering up the inside.” Justin laughed. “I suppose that’s why he could live in the loft building. The outside was butt ugly but the inside was beautiful.” Daphne replied. She stood there with Justin admiring the look of the house. It was anything but ugly. “He didn’t even comment when I had the wood trim painted that shade of red. But believe me, if I read the look he gave me right, it wasn’t his first choice.” Justin was referring to the front door and the trim around it. They had arrived at the house. “We’ll go in the front door, but the painting is in my studio in the back. I don’t want Brian to see it yet.” “Why not?” Daphne asked as they walked through the house toward the rear entrance. The house sat on what looked from the front as a slightly larger city lot. But in the rear the property expanded and there was not only a pool but a studio that had been built for Justin. “I don’t know. I guess I just want the cover to be a surprise.” “He isn’t going to know it’s the cover of a book. Let alone a book that tells the world all about Brian Kinney.” “Geeze I hate it when you put it that way. I’m having second and third and fourth thoughts about this.” Justin tried not to look discouraged. “Justin, you know Brian better than any of us. Think about what you would do if Brian wrote a book about you and published it no less.” Justin flushed, but it wasn’t with embarrassment, it was with pleasure. “Honestly Daphne, I can’t in my wildest fantasies even imagine such a thing happening.” He smiled already starting to fantasize. “That is soooo not a Brian Kinney thing to do.” “What if he did do something like that. I guess that would prove to you that he loves you.” “He does that every day of his life Daphne. Even at our worst times, he proves his love to me. I’m the stupid shit who fucks up more often then not. Though lately I’ve not been doing bad.” He grinned. “It’s the look he gets, his whole body language. I’m never going to cause it to die inside the way I’ve come close to over the years.” Justin walked to the easel that held a painting covered in a white cloth. Daphne could see that it was a rather large canvas; in fact it was almost life-size. She couldn’t imagine it reduced to the size of a book cover. “Are you ready?” Justin asked with a nervous grin. “Just take the damn cover off of it.” Daphne demanded. With a flick of his wrist, Justin pulled the white sheet off of his painting and then stood back, mesmerized himself by the strength of the canvas in front of him. Daphne stood there speechless for once in her life. The canvas was a swirl of color in shades of greens though other colors appeared as if by magic. And in the center of the canvas was Brian in all of his magnificence, his head thrown back in ecstasy and yet his hazel eyes were open, watching someone who stood just outside the viewer’s reach. Love and lust shone not only in his eyes but in his whole body as it stretched the length of the canvas in all of its naked glory. And like Michelangelo’s painting, his arm was outstretched as if beckoning to the person who he was watching. “Holy shit Justin.” Daphne said, her eyes staying on the canvas. “I didn’t know you worked in oils.” “I work in anything I want. It depends on the subject.” Justin too was looking at the canvas. “I think it would make a great cover.” “Yeah, for a porno flick.” Daphne mumbled. “Fuck Justin, you can’t have this on the cover of a book. It’s X rated. “ “They could put the title over certain parts.” “It would have to be a damn big title.” She giggled. “I want to call the book No Regrets.” Justin didn’t notice Daphne’s shock. She quickly covered. That’s what Brian wanted to call his book. “Why that name?” she managed to squeak out. “It’s something that Brian asks me every now and then. It was kind of his motto when we first met.” He smiled to himself. “It’s one of those ‘inside’ phrases that couples use.” Daphne rolled her eyes, “Spare me the details.” She still couldn’t stop looking at the picture. She almost groaned out loud when Justin covered it up again. “You could leave it uncovered until we leave.” “You’re drooling on the floor and I’m hungry, so no.” Justin laughed and pulled his friend back to the door. “I’ve made us salads. Everything is ready and waiting.” “Hey Daphne.” Brian said when the two came in the door. “Justin.” He kissed Daphne’s cheek and then Justin’s lips. “I didn’t know you guys were here.” “We were in the studio. I talked Justin into letting me have his baby.” Daphne said tongue in cheek and then laughed at the shock on Brian’s face. “Just kidding big guy.” She giggled. “That isn’t funny Daphne.” Brian said visualizing babies and diapers at his age. It was enough to make him go gray. Justin laughed out loud, “Daphne, how many times do I have to tell you. Brian is going to be the only baby in this relationship. I couldn’t handle another one.” “Twat” Brian mumbled but kissed Justin again. “Is there enough salad for me too?” he was looking in the refrigerator. “There’s always enough for you baby.” Justin said in a falsetto voice cracking up along with Daphne. “Why do you two always turn into school kids whenever you get together?” Brian asked rhetorically as he unloaded the salad and then the dressing. “You love us anyway.” Daphne said with a laugh. “Sad but true.” Brian sighed dramatically. “Now what were you both up to out in the studio?” “I was just looking at Justin’s work. I want something for my office. But I don’t want to pay the prices his agent wants. I figure he owes me.” “Brat, you know you can have any painting you want.” Justin said. He’d been in the bathroom and had just returned. “Any painting?” Daphne asked pointedly. “Within reason, nothing that has Brian’s naked body on it.” Justin clarified. He figured he was safe in saying that because there were so many naked Brian pictures, “That’s right princess. The naked pictures of me are for special collectors.” “I’m special.” Daphne laughed. “But I don’t think my boyfriend would like a naked Brian in my office.” “When are we going to meet this new guy?” Brian asked. “It must be serious, usually we get to see them right away.” “I haven’t had a chance. We’re both busy people. But don’t worry; I’ll have the two of you for supper one night to meet Jamie.” “Daphne doesn’t want to jinx it.” Justin laughed and kissed his friend on the cheek. “Now let’s eat lunch. I have a busy afternoon scheduled.” “Me too.” Brian agreed. “I’m meeting my boyfriend at two. We’re going to have a hot and heavy afternoon.” “Hey, that’s what I’m going to do.” Justin pretended astonishment. “What a coincidence.” Brian smirked tongue in cheek. “What about you princess, are you meeting your boyfriend too?” “You two are freaks.” Daphne reached for the salad and began to serve their plates. “I hope you have fun. I have to actually work this afternoon.” “Ah, but we’ll be working too.” Brian said. “That’s working out Brian.” Justin laughed. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Excerpt from: No Regrets There comes a day in every man’s life when they realize more than before that they are human and as such will die. Sometimes it comes as a surprise, and sometimes it comes as a shock. But either way it’s terrifying. And if you are alone, it’s even more terrifying. For the earth of me, I can’t to this day figure out why I ever thought I could go through my scare with cancer on my own. I gave myself all the usual Kinney bullshit that I’d been using for years. I was sure that I had convinced myself thoroughly that I was pushing my love away for his own good. How fucking noble of me. How truly enlightened. Once again I was presuming that I knew what was best for the man who had time and time again proven me wrong in that aspect. It’s funny, when I did it, when I threw him out of my loft, and notice I said my loft when in fact it had long ceased being mine and mine alone. When he stood on the other side of the door, I could see how much he loved me and how much I loved him reflected in his very stance. In fact, I was sure that I was once again repeating what I’d done before. It was the ultimate déja vu experience and it brought me to my knees when the door shut with finality. It was for his own fucking good. The words kept screaming through my head while at the same time, they were ripping up what was left of my guts. And when I walked in the door and he stood in the kitchen making me something to eat. All I could feel was relief though I protested and bitched and whined until he told me what he thought. I needed it so badly. I needed to be taken care of, to be loved, to have someone want me despite my illness and stupidity. I needed it and it stood there in the shape of a defiant man with blazing blue eyes that were so filled with love and compassion I could hardly stand I was so happy he was there. But I was still a coward and couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell him in words when I’d lean against his warm body after puking my guts out. I couldn’t tell him when I’d hold him so tightly at night that I knew he barely slept, yet he let me cling to him. All I could do as I lay awake in the night was to pray to the powers that be, that he understand. That he didn’t need the words to be spoken out loud. I wanted to shout them fromto the roof tops, Shout until I was hoarse, but all I could do was lay there with my eyes shut and pretend to be asleep when he wiped the tears from my face. It was on a night like that. A night I’d been feeling especially vulnerable. An aging faggot with his young lover in his arms that I came to this great decision. It was as if some kind of light bulb went off or an epiphany. It doesn’t matter what you want to call it. The result is the same thing. He rolled a bit in his sleep. He couldn’t move much, after all, I had close to a death grip on him. He snuggled even closer, his body warm with sleep and smelling of my shower gel. He snuggled closer and he whispered sleepily into my neck. “Brian, you make me feel so safe when you hold me like this.” Before falling sound asleep again. I MAKE HIM FEEL SAFE. That’s what he thought. And yet it was him. This man twelve years my junior, who not only made me feel safe. He made me feel loved and like I was some kind of god. Just by smiling at me, or by making my dinner, or cleaning up my puke. All the thousand and one things he did for me without once complaining during these weeks of hell. I vowed then and there that once I finally got the guts to tell him how much I loved him, I would tell the world. I would bare my heart and soul for every fag who cared to read this. I wanted him to know that I trusted him implicitly in the only way I knew how. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “I don’t know Justin. This sketch is disturbing. I’m not sure you’d want it in the book.” Daphne held the sketch out at arms length to see if would look any different. It didn’t. It was still Brian. It was a Brian she’d never seen before and wasn’t sure that she ever wanted to. He was standing in the loft door and he looked terrified and scared and helpless. Yet he was reaching out to someone just beyond the sketch and you could see by his stance that he wanted and needed that person badly. She turned the page only to see the closed loft door and the hallway floor with a broken CD cover. “What is this all about?” Daphne asked. “It’s making me sad just looking at it.” “I don’t know whether I’d want it in the book, but you asked what I was sketching.” Justin shrugged. It had hurt to make the moment of Brian’s terror a reality once again on the page of his sketch pad. “It’s kind of a personal moment.” “Like your other sketches aren’t?” she asked and then laughed. “Justin, every relationship that survives, has highs and lows. If you truly are writing a book about relationships, gay relationships, yours as the example, it can’t all be sunshine and roses. Life isn’t like that and if someone was reading the book and that’s all they saw, they’d think you were full of crap.” “Thank you for your insight.” Justin’s voice was tinged with sarcasm. “I do know enough not to make things all ‘sunshine and roses’ as you so nicely put it.” Justin sighed and began to page through the sketch pad. His mind went through the last almost fourteen years with Brian. They had certainly had their ups and downs. But the years and time spent with each other was filled with happy memories and certainly no regrets. He’d have to call his book that. “I’m calling the book ‘No Regrets’.” “Interesting” Daphne said with a huff of a laugh. “Interesting. But is it true. Do you really have ‘no regrets’?” “No I don’t I think that everything we’ve been through has been necessary to get us where we are now.” Justin closed the sketch pad and looked at his friend. “Brian and I are good together and we’re fucking terrible apart. I know it and he knows it. We’ve had our chances to leave each other for good. You know a couple of them. But there were more. Lots more. None as bad as when I left with Ethan, but close.” “And you stayed.” Daphne shook her head. “No, Brian stayed. He didn’t have to. He shouldn’t have. I didn’t deserve him to stay. But he stayed. Each and every time. I don’t know how he can ever trust me but he does.” “Justin I hardly think you’ve caused him that much trouble.” Daphne laughed. “After all it’s Brian who had the reputation as the stud of Liberty Avenue.” “It isn’t always about sex Daphne.” Justin huffed. “When can I have sex?” Daphne and Justin turned and stared at Gus. “Gus, you’re doing it again, pussyfooting around.” Justin said with a shake of his head. “I made just as much noise as I ever do.” Gus shrugged his shoulders “Hey Auntie Daphne.” He said and kissed her cheek. “So when can I have sex?” “When you’re twenty five sounds about right.” Daphne said with a laugh. “Why do you ask?” “The guys at school are always talking about it. They think that I’m older because I’m taller and that I know everything. I just pretend I do, but I don’t know a damn thing.” Gus threw his book bag on the floor and headed toward the kitchen. “I was hoping you could tell me. I mean you’re writing a book and stuff.” “I’m not writing a ‘how to’ book for teenage boys.” Justin said. Daphne poked him in the ribs. “Seriously Gus, you should talk to your dad. He’ll give you great advice.” “You’re my dad too.” Gus said reasonably. He sat down on front of Daphne and Justin, his hand clutching two giant cookies that Justin had made earlier. Justin didn’t know what exactly to say. He really thought that Brian should be the one to have this conversation with his son, but Gus had asked him. He thought back to the day Brian had made it clear to him that he wanted Justin to assume the position of ‘other’ dad. Gus was three and Lindsay had asked if he could spend a week with his father. She was concerned that in a week, with Justin living with Brian, that the boy would become attached. Justin had walked into the room in the middle of her question to Brian. “Justin could stay with Debbie for the week.” She was saying. “Pardon me?” Justin asked he walked over to Brian and kissed him. “Hey” he said softly almost shyly. He didn’t mean to walk in on Brian and Lindsay. And he sure didn’t need to know why she thought Brian should get rid of him. “Lindsay, in case you haven’t met. This is Justin Taylor, my partner, my life partner and my business partner. Unlike your relationship with the mother of my son, Justin and I plan on growing old together. It’s unlikely that I’m going to ask him to spend a week at Deb’s when he has a perfectly fine home right here with me.” It was the first Justin had heard any of this. They’d naturally evolved into calling each other ‘partner’ but nothing had been actually spoken out loud between the two of them at that point. Justin reached for Brian’s hand and turned to Lindsay. “What’s this all about Lindsay?” he asked. “It’s Gus, he’s going to be staying with Brian for a week. I have to travel. It’s for business and can’t be helped.” “You could leave him with his other mother.” Justin said which of course was a reasonable assumption. “She’s having problems with Jenny. She really can’t handle a rambunctious three year old.” Lindsay looked embarrassed. “Justin I don’t mean to belittle your relationship with Brian, but………” she let the word trail. “Lindsay,” Justin began. “No Justin, Lindsay has to understand that you and I are a couple. We have been for a long time.” Brian pulled him close. “Longer than any one realized. Sure we have our ups and downs, but we’re up more than down. Gus has to realize that you and I come as a team. I’m his daddy, but so are you. You have as much right to be considered his dad as Melanie does as his mother.” Brian looked at Lindsay and said. “So there you have it Linds. Justin is Gus’ other dad. He had two dads and two moms.” Lindsay looked at Brian who stood with his arm around Justin and she looked at Justin who stood there tall and proud. “I guess Gus has two dads.” Was all she said. Later, after Lindsay left, Brian had this funny look on his face. “I guess that wasn’t they way you’d wanted me to propose our relationship was it?” I couldn’t stop smiling. It was so typically Brian to bull his way ahead without asking. But then they didn’t have to talk. They knew what the other thought. “Hey, I love you Brian. I’m just glad you finally said that you loved me too.” “I never said that.” Brian cautioned. “Actually you did.” Justin’s arm wrapped around Brian’s waist. His lips found the other man’s and soon they were lost in proving just how much they meant to each other.