My Promise to You Chapter 1 Plot Bunny – by Judy whose imagination amazes me “Justin won’t you at least wait until the morning?” His mother sat on the edge of the sofa as if she was about to fly off and hold Justin tightly in her arms. He was her child, her first born and her heart ached for him in a way that only a mother can feel for her first born son. “Mom, I can’t do it any more. I just can’t. I can’t be in the same city as Brian. I broke his heart and every damn promise I ever made.” “But I saw Brian tonight Justin, I was there. He was the one with the other men. And besides, Ethan is more your age. I’m sure Brian understood when you left with him. It’s not as if Brian wasn’t …… she let the words trail off unable to say that she didn’t understand this penchant for indiscriminant sex. “Mom it’s more than me leaving Brian at the party he threw for my benefit, with his money, in front of all of our friends. It’s about other things that I can’t explain now. “ “You can sleep here and in the morning you’ll feel better. You and Brian can talk about it.” She sighed. “Brian will understand.” “I don’t want Brian to understand. I’m sick and tired of Brian fucking understanding every time I break a promise and fuck up. He was right in the first place. I’m too young to play with the grown ups.” Justin brushed his hands across his eyes. He was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to go home to the loft and have Brian hold him tight while he made unspoken promises that it would never happen again. “Mom do this one thing for me please. Give me a ride to the bus station. I have some money saved and I cashed in the bond grandfather gave me. I know it’s for my education. But in a way this is my new school.” “What will I tell Brian?”“Tell him my promise to him is to give him his life back. No more drama, no more temper tantrums, no more broken promises.” Justin’s voice was bitter. He shoved his right hand in his pocket to stop it from shaking like it tended to do when he was tired. “And when I get a place and get settled., I don’t want anyone from here other than Daphne, you and Molly to have my address. You can tell anyone who asks that I’m doing fine, but that I’ve chosen to start my life over. I’m tired of being someone different from the real me.” Jennifer Taylor tried one last time. “Justin, you haven’t even picked up your things at Brian’s. You don’t have anything to take with you.” “Mom, they have stores in New York or so I’ve heard. I don’t need much. It’s not like I’m going to be doing anything much except work and go to school when I can.” “Will you at least take my bank card? I don’t want you without money in the city. Too many things can happen there.” She rummaged in her purse and pulled out her bank card and tucked it into Justin’s hand. “Mom you don’t have to do this.” Justin began. “I want to baby. I know you’re responsible.” Jennifer Taylor stood up. “Come on. I’ll tell Molly where I’m going. I think you have time to make the next bus out of Pittsburgh.” Justin sat in silence in his mother’s car as it drove through the late night streets. He was reminded of the first night he’d ventured down to Liberty Avenue. It was a night like this one, fresh rain puddled on the pavement and mists swirling around each light stand. He could almost see himself, that innocent and stupid boy standing under the street light waiting for his fate to unfold. It had been quite a ride and now it was over. His eyes glittered with unshed tears. He’d cried enough in the last few weeks. That was another promise he was making to himself. He’d never cry over Brian Kinney again. Jennifer kissed her son’s cold cheek and watched him climb aboard the Greyhound bus bound for New York. Her heart ached with the pain she saw in his eyes, but she was also proud of the determination he was showing. He was a man despite his years. And he was going to start a new life. Her chin went up and she determinedly brushed the tears from her eyes. Justin stared straight ahead once he was seated on the bus. He didn’t look out the window at this mother though he knew she was there. He couldn’t do that and remain impassive. As the large bus slipped through the dark Pittsburgh streets, Justin busied himself with blocking all of the phone numbers of everyone except Daphne and his mother. He would arrange to have the cell phone bill taken out of his bank account automatically and have his address changed to his mother’s address. He didn’t want Brian to have any way to trace him. Justin knew that Brian would try to find him. He was well aware that Brian loved him in his own way. The trouble was, it wasn’t the way Justin wanted to be loved. They both needed to grow up. Justin knew that he loved Brian with all of his heart and soul and that no one would ever have that kind of love from him again. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t love again. It just would never be the kind of love he had for Brian. That was a once in a lifetime kind of love. Maybe, just maybe, when enough time passed for both of them to realize what they had and what they had lost, then they might stand a chance for a regular relationship. Justin only hoped that it wouldn’t be too late. That his love for Brian wouldn’t have been killed completely or driven so deep inside of him that it could never be resurrected. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A week later. “Mrs. Taylor, it’s Brian Kinney, can I speak to Justin please? Brian was actually nervous about making this call, but he’d been unable to find Justin anywhere else. “I’m sorry Brian, but Justin has left Pittsburgh.” Jennifer did sound like she regretted having to tell Brian. “I tried to talk him out of it, but you know Justin he won’t listen to anyone once he gets his mind made up about something.” “His stuff is still all here, he didn’t come by to get anything.” Brian said. “But I guess that explains why PIFA returned my tuition check. That’s actually why I was calling. Just because we are having some difficulties, doesn’t mean I would stop paying his tuition.” “I know that Brian and I’m sure Justin does as well, but he’s gone and other than knowing that he’s in New York, I really don’t have any idea where he is. It’s a big city Brian.” “You don’t seem too worried.” Brian had to state. “Maybe I should go there and see if I can find him.” “I’m not worried because he is no longer a child and certainly is old enough to handle himself. He has a little bit of money to keep him going until he finds work. I’m sure he’ll let me know his address as soon as he has one.” “What about the fellow he left the party with, does he maybe knows where Justin is?” “I doubt it very much. Ethan isn’t part of Justin’s life Brian; Justin made that very clear to me. “Jennifer didn’t add that neither was Brian, she didn’t have the heart to say the words, though Brian could hear them as if she’d shouted them. “Thanks for talking to me Jennifer. I appreciate that you’ve let me know at least that Justin is alright. I was worried, not that I’d tell him that.” Brian laughed. “I guess I’ll just wait to hear from him.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin got off the bus at the main terminal in New York. He shouldered his backpack and headed out looking determined. He had no idea where he was going for sure, just some vague ideas of where the action was. He and Brian had been to New York twice after his running away fiasco, but both times they rarely moved out of their hotel room despite any plans they might have had. One thing was for sure, the sex between them was always great. Of course you couldn’t live on sex alone. Too bad Brian didn’t realize that. He got on a bus that he hoped would take him into the section of the city he wanted to go. Justin sat down and then took the time to look around him. He was too tired and too emotionally strung out to even begin missing anyone yet. When he thought he was close to where he wanted to be, he got off at the next stop. The buildings were amazing. Justin could feel the history of the place seeping into his pores. He didn’t want to appear like some kind of a hick so he consciously kept his mouth closed as he gazed in amazement at things he’d only seen on the internet. Heading to a Starbucks, Justin was focused on getting some coffee into him before he did anything else. He was so intent on getting to the familiar store that he didn’t see or notice the drama that was taking place behind him. A truck had run the red light and had hit a silver Lexus. The man driving the Lexus, in an attempt to avoid hitting a woman holding a baby who was crossing the street, careened off of a lamp post, flipped and hit Justin from behind throwing him face first into a window. The shattering glass was loud in the city street. Justin fell back onto the sidewalk, his face destroyed. He lay there cold and bleeding. He was unconscious and didn’t notice when his wallet and his backpack disappeared. The man driving the Lexus crawled out of it and ran to Justin. He saw Justin’s backpack being pulled through the crowd, and though he shouted at the thief, no one paid him any attention. Mishi Donovan knelt beside Justin. He made sure the young man was (AS)a comfortable as he could be while they waited for an ambulance. The scene to him was surreal. It was as if it was happening to someone else. The paleness of Justin’s skin scared the other man who remembered his brother’s face the night he’d been killed. It had been the same translucent hue. Justin’s face was also a mess of blood and tissue. Finally the ambulance arrived at the same time as Mishi’s lawyer. He’d called him on cell phone as he waited with Justin. The lawyer immediately headed for the ambulance attendants. “You are to transport him to Grace Hospital.” The lawyer told them. “But that’s a private hospital. They don’t take traffic accidents and this kid doesn’t have a bit of ID on him, we searched his pockets.” “Well you weren’t fast enough; he had his pocket picked before he hit the sidewalk.” Mishi’s voice was bitter. He hated this fucking city. He much preferred his home just outside the city. It wasn’t far, but far enough that you could pretend you were all alone in the world. “I’ve already got my doctor waiting for his arrival. Don’t worry, you guys will be paid.” The two attendants looked at each other and shrugged. It didn’t matter to them one way or another as long as they were paid. Mishi quickly conferred with his lawyer and then headed to the ambulance. “I’m going in with him.” He stated in such a manner that neither one of the paramedics wanted to argue with him. He was offered a seat up near the blond’s head. Mishi hated to see the destroyed face on the young man, bruises were clouding his arms already. He reached out and smoothed back the long blond hair. It was a soft and fine as a child’s and he wondered who was missing this young one. Suddenly the blond’s eyes opened startling Mishi, who had continued to smooth back his hair, offering what solace he could with is touch. Eyes as blue as sapphires stared up at him, a soft smile touched the blond’s lips before his eyes closed once again as he lapsed into unconsciousness. “What’s wrong, he woke up and now he’s sleeping again?” the distraught man asked. The paramedics checked Justin’s vital signs again. “He’s not sleeping.” Was all they’d say as they moved Mishi aside to work on their patient. The drive to the hospital seemed to take forever as far as Mishi was concerned, though he knew that it was closer than the one they had intended to take the young man too. The lawyer’s assistant was already at the hospital and the admittance of Justin went smoothly. It was quickly determined that he had a broken leg, some bruising and a concussion in addition to Justin’s face that was mangled almost beyond repair. There was some concern about a previous head injury that showed up on the x-rays. Mishi sat back and watched everything. He wasn’t going to allow this young one to be alone in his time of distress. Mishi’s lawyers had contacted the very best of plastic surgeons who was now flying in from California to see what could be done with the young man’s face. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin woke up slowly. The sunlight streaming through the windows in his room was painfully bright. He had no idea where he was or why he hurt so much. One leg felt like it was encased in lead. He felt downward carefully. There was a cast on his leg. His face burned and hurt worse than anything he’d ever felt before. He could tell that his nose must have been broken because it was impossible to breathe properly. His hand touched the bandages that wrapped his face. He must have been in an accident, though he didn’t remember any accident. The last thing he remembered was staring up at the tall New York buildings. He opened his eyes partially to stop the glare. Sitting beside his hospital bed was a distinguished and very handsome older gentleman. His eyes were closed and Justin figured he was sleeping, though why he was there he had no idea. The man was dressed in a suit reminiscent of one of Brian’s. It must be some kind of designer label Justin figured. The hand that had been touching Justin’s arm was perfectly manicured and his stylish white hair looked perfectly cut. Justin smiled to himself. This is what Brian would probably look like when he was old. The thought of the man he loved but could no longer have caused a wave of sadness to wash over Justin. He sighed and tried to hold back emotional tears that had to be caused by his vulnerability due to his accident. “Don’t cry my Prince,” the man said softly. “It is a beautiful day and you are alive to see it. What more could one want?” “Hi” Justin said. He was surprised at how raspy his voice was and how difficult it was to talk through the bandages. “What happened?” “Unfortunately you’ve been in a bit of an accident. It was entirely my fault.” The man answered. “Mishi Donovan, at your service.” He gave a slight bow. “And you my Prince, your name?” “Justin Taylor, what kind of an accident?” Justin asked. “I don’t remember anything.” “Ah, well it is maybe best that you don’t remember. It was a series of unfortunate happenings and you my Prince were in the middle of it.” “My face is bandaged and it hurts like hell.” Justin felt around with his tongue. “I think I’m missing some teeth.” “The doctor will explain everything to you. You gave us all quite a scare. You had a bad reaction to one of the drugs that were used during your initial surgery. “ “I have a lot of allergies.” Justin noticed that his voice was hard to understand. It must be the bandages he thought. “How long was I unconscious?” “You’ve been out of our reach for almost four days.” He sighed. “But you’ve been well taken care of. This is a very good hospital.” Mishi patted Justin’s hand. “Justin, the doctors will be in soon to discuss what will be necessary to repair your face. I want you to know that I’ll be with you every step of the way. You won’t have to go through this alone. Is there anyone I can call? I know that you must have friends and family worried about you.” “My face?” Justin asked. “It’s bad isn’t it?” his free hand went up to gingerly touch the bandages. “I feel like some teeth are missing. I’m kind of hard to understand aren’t I?” “It’s bad, but it can be fixed. It just takes time.” “And money.” Justin’s voice was bitter. “Something I’m in short supply of.” “My Prince, money is really not a problem. If money could fix the world, I would gladly give it all up. It can’t fix the world, but it can fix your face. Now who should I call?” “No one, well, there’s my mom, but I don’t want to worry her. She’s on her own now with my sister and I’ve caused her enough grief. I’ll email her when I get near a computer and tell her something.” He shuddered thinking of Brian. Brian who loved perfection and beauty. Brian who would no longer give him a second glance because what beauty he had would be forever marred. Not that Brian gave a shit about him after what he’d done. He should never have left him like that at the Rage party. It was one of the stupidest things he’d ever done in his life. “I don’t have anyone else right now. At least no one who’d care one way or another.” Justin lay back in silence, quietly enduring the pain in his body and his face, reminded of another time he’d been in the hospital and alone without Brian. “If sure, my Prince that isn’t true. There must be someone out there, some special person that you love and who loves you back.” “I love someone, but he doesn’t love me back.” The bitterness in Justin’s voice was unmistakable despite the injuries to his mouth and the bandages. “Then it is up to me, Count Mishi Donovan, to be your friend. I will care for you and love you like the son I once had. Tomas was blond and slight of body like you and his eyes the color of violets in spring, were always laughing. He’s been gone more years than you’ve been alive, but I miss him each day as if he’d been taken only yesterday.” “I’m sorry, Count, I can’t accept your charity.” Justin turned away blinking rapidly. The pain was intense and he could barely focus on what was being said. But he knew that after Brian, he could never take anymore from anyone. It only cause grief in the end. “Charity, who says it is charity. I am an old man. A wealthy old man. It is an act of kindness on your part to let me do this for you. Besides, if it hadn’t been for me with my foolish ideas of coming into the city, you wouldn’t be in this hospital bed now. No, no my young Prince, Count Mishi Donovan insists on doing this.” He looked critically at Justin. “Now I see that you are in pain. I will summon the doctor and then the nurse. It is time to sleep my Prince. Sleep and heal, tomorrow is another day and you will feel much better.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Did you find him?” Michael asked as he sat down beside his friend. He’d found Brian sitting on a bench by the river. It was a place both of them had often gone ever since they were young to get their thoughts in order. “Who?” Brian asked pretending ignorance. “Justin, I know that’s why you went to New York this weekend.” “I needed to get something new for the fall. There’s shit to buy here in the Pitts.” Brian continued to stare at the sluggish river. It looked like he felt. “Brian don’t give me that crap. I know you you’ve been looking for him. I’m your friend, I know you. Though why the fuck you want to find him is beyond me.” Michael put his hands in his jacket pockets and stared out at the river as if seeking some unknown truth. “I miss him.” Brian’s voice was low. “I should have told him.” “What, that you didn’t give a shit if he was fucking around on you?” Michael’s voice was bitter. “I gave a shit, but I could hardly ask him to stop if I was doing the same damn thing.” “It wasn’t the same and you know it.” “No it wasn’t. I should have been honest with him. I knew what he wanted and I lied to him by keeping the words to myself. I lied and now I’m paying for it.” Brian gave a half laugh. “Who would have thought that Brian Kinney stud of Liberty Avenue would fall in love with some twink and then get kicked to the curb by the same twink. Just retribution eh Mikey for all the tricks I kicked to the curb.” “Talk about life coming back and biting you in the ass.” Michael agreed. “What are you going to do about it?” “I don’t know. Keep looking I guess. His mother says she hasn’t heard from him in almost a month. He was supposed to send for his things, but all he did was email her a month ago and say not to worry.” He snorted. “Like she was not going to worry. Fuck I’m worried and I know he’s a strong little fucker and can get along just fine on his own, much as I hate to admit it.” “Want me to come with you next weekend?” Michael asked. “I can help look. Hell even Ben will come if you want.” “It’s not like before when he ran away Mikey. He left a trail for me to follow then. No this time he’s really gone. He hasn’t even used his bank card or his credit card. His mother checked. It’s like he’s dropped off the face of the earth.” “Shit, that isn’t like Justin. I can’t believe he wouldn’t even contact his mother or Ma.” Michael pondered the situation. “I’ll ask Ben if he has any ideas. He used to talk to Justin a lot.” “Sure you do that, but Mikey, keep it to yourself how I feel about him. It’s between you and me.” Brian looked at his friend. “Do you understand?” he asked. “Sure Brian, but it’s not like you’re fooling anyone. We all know you love him, just like we all knew he loved you despite that stupid fuck he left with. He just wanted you to show is all.” “Yeah, I know.” Brian said bitterly. “I’m paying for being too fucking proud to admit how I felt about him. Ironic isn’t it?” Michael didn’t say anything. There really wasn’t anything he could say. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Hey Justin, how are you doing today?” the day nurse bustled in. “I see that the Count is taking you home later.” “Apparently he has a thing for Frankenstein.” Justin’s voice was tinged with bitterness. He turned and with the help of crutches made his way over to the window to stare out at the park like grounds that surrounded the private hospital. “Now Justin, the Count has the very best of doctors for you. You’ll be just as beautiful as ever this time next year.” “Maybe I was as ugly as a bull dog before.” “No, dear, I don’t think so.” The nurse gave the final tweak to his bed. “there all ship shape again.” “Thanks” Justin didn’t forget to say though his back was turned and he couldn’t actually see the guy. He continued to look out the window. There had been times in the past few weeks he’d felt like he was in some kind of prison. His leg cast would be coming off soon and he’d have to start therapy. Yet another form of therapy hell to add to his day. The only thing he’d had to look forward too each day was his pain meds and now they were tapering him off of those. He flexed his right hand that surprisingly enough was becoming stronger. Probably because he had nothing better to do than the exercises that his doctor had prescribed. “Ah, my young Prince is up and looking especially charming today.” Mishi had come into the room. Justin turned toward him. “Hi Mishi, thanks for the new sweater.” Justin ran his hand over the soft blue cashmere, the color of his eyes. “It’s beautiful” “I couldn’t have you feeling chilly, now could I.” the Count beamed, pleased that Justin had enjoyed his gift. “I don’t think that’s possible here Mishi.” Justin laughed. “But you may feel chilly in Switzerland.” The Count smiled. “I talked to the doctor and he said that there is a specialist there that can work wonders with facial reconstruction.” “Mishi, it’s okay. I’m alright with looking the way I do. And in time the scars will fade.” Justin had already undergone too many procedures to count as far as he was concerned. “But I know that you’ll enjoy Switzerland. I have a cousin with a villa there. We will be comfortable and you can learn to ski.” Justin couldn’t help but smile at the old man. “Do you always get your own way Mishi?” he asked. “Not always, but often enough that it keeps me smiling.” He gave Justin a quick hug. “This doctor is good my Prince. Indulge me please and just think of all the wonderful hours on the ski slopes you’ll have.” “I’d rather finish up with school.” “But that’s the wonderful part. The clinic is close to one of the finest art schools in Europe where you’ve been accepted as a student.” “Okay old man, you win.” Justin gave him a quick hug. “I always did want to see Switzerland.” But he’d wanted to see it with Brian and maybe Gus, like a family, just the three of them. Now even if he wanted to return to Pittsburgh, he never would. His face looked like hamburger or at least that’s what he thought. The dental surgeons and the plastic surgeons had work miracles. Even his hand was responding to therapy. Oh he had a way to go, it was early yet, and most of the bandages were still on his face, but he knew now that he’d never look the same way he had only six months before. He no longer was the beautiful boy that Brian had fallen in love with despite his protests of the contrary. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Brian, he sent me another email.” Jennifer’s voice was breathless with excitement. “He said he’s doing okay but that he won’t be coming back to Pittsburgh.” “Is that all he said?” Brian asked, hoping against hope that Justin had mentioned him. “It wasn’t a long email. He did say that it was a good thing you didn’t love him because you sure wouldn’t now. I thought that was rather an odd thing to say.” Her tone was questioning. “Brian, I always knew that you loved my son. Why does Justin think that you don’t?” Brian thought of the endless weekends he and Michael had spent searching New York. He thought of thousands of dollars he’d spent on Private Investigators. If it wasn’t so sad he’d have laughed at the irony of it. “I don’t know Jennifer, maybe because I never said the words to him. He needed to hear the words and I couldn’t say them out loud.” This time he did laugh and the laugh was bitter. “Pretty stupid on my part, not to mention childish.” “Brian, if it was meant to be between the two of you, it still will. You have to give yourselves time to find each other again.” “I’m beginning to think that it’ll never happen Jennifer. After all we are fags and we can’t expect to have a relationship like most heteros.” They talked for awhile before hanging up. Brian was more depressed than ever. He wanted to tell her not to call him every time Justin sent a damn email or a note in the mail. Because it fucking killed him that the man he loved never bothered to email or write to him. On the other hand he had to know that Justin was okay and if this was the only way he could do it then he’d endure the pain. After all wasn’t that what the backrooms were for, pain management? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin lay back on the lounge chair by the swimming pool on Mish’s estate. His muscles rippled and glistened from a combination of his strenuous workout and the sweat that beaded on his skin. It had been more than two years since he’d walked away from Brian and ran away from the Pitts. A lot had happened to him. A year of surgery, of pain, of exercise. Now he was healthy and the face he saw in the mirror each day would no longer scare little children. Mishi had been right. The doctors here were brilliant. Of course Justin Taylor of Pittsburgh no longer existed. That young naive boy/man with the too slender body of a child was gone. In his place was Nitsuj, the mysterious and handsome blond artist who kept to himself. Justin smiled up at the houseboy who served him a large glass of iced blueberry tea. He knew that his smile made the boy nervous, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about much. He’d learned over the years to harden his heart when it came to men. Well almost all men. Count Mishi Donovan would always hold a special place in his heart. “Nitsuj, I watched you from the balcony. Your form is excellent.” Mishi said as he sank gratefully into a plush lounge chair. He was feeling every one of his seventy five years today. “You know, you could teach if you so desired.” “But I would have to talk to people Mishi and you’re the only one I want to talk to.” Justin smiled at his old friend. He flexed his arms and held them out straight. “It’s hard to believe these are the same arms that I had two years ago. Look, the right one doesn’t tremble no matter how long I hold it in the patterns. He was referring to theTai ji quon exercise he was so proficient at. “Yes my Prince you have come a long way including becoming a master at Tai ji” he sighed. “I understand that you go back to Paris tomorrow to finish your year at the University.” “Yes, but I’ve decided to do my third year at the Italian one you suggested. You’re right, the instructors there are better and the weather is good for a certain gentleman’s old bones.” He smiled and patted Mishi leg. “You make me proud Nitsuj” Mishi laughed softly. “I forgot to tell you. Another package has come from the firm in Pittsburgh.” Justin’s eyes lit up. “You are bad old man.” He stood up and stretched the kinks out of his muscles. “Did you open it? Are there pictures of Brian?” “I left it for you to open. After all it’s your fantasy, this peeking into your old world.” Mishi laughed up at the young man who had become like a son to him or maybe a favored grandson. “I still think it’s foolish to spy on them all. Just go there and be done with it. They’ll all forgive you for staying away so long.” “You know I can’t. There’s nothing of the old Justin Taylor in me now other than my hair. I’m better off being Nitsuj Donovan, artist, student, master of Tai ji.” He laughed. “No one will ever know me inside this body and this face that is a mask over my old one.” He referred to the fact that his face was so different after all of his reconstructive surgeries. He was now handsome in a rather rugged way and with his exercise, he had a body to go with the face. “Ah that’s where you’re wrong my Prince. Your Brian would know you the moment he touched you. Your face may be different as well as your body. But the scent of you, the touch of your hand, that will never change to the one you love and who loves you. That’s how we stay in love throughout the years. Those things never change; it’s only the outer shell that moves with time, not the inner core.” “But Brian was in love with the outer Justin, he didn’t know the inner me. He never wanted to.” Justin’s blue eyes were sad as he remembered the times he’d had with Brian, God how he loved that man. The feeling never left him no matter what had happened in both of their lives. Justin bent down and kissed Mishi’s forehead. “I’m going to shower.” He said before disappearing into the house. Mishi relaxed back in his chair and thought of the last two years. Justin had remade himself into the image of the man he wanted to be. He’d worked darn hard at it. Never letting up no matter how painful things became. He almost seemed obsessed. When he’d declared himself a new man, he’d had his name changed legally to Nitsuj Donovan to complete what he’d begun. It was with that name that he was becoming well known in the art community. Rumors and speculation had been abundant when Mishi began to appear with a handsome blond young man at all the important social functions around Europe. Neither man would give anyone the satisfaction of telling them about their relationship. For they did have one, though it was a grandfatherly or fatherly sort of thing. But to both of them it was what they needed. Mishi desperately wanted his son back and Justin wanted a father. It worked well for the two of them. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin walked into the house, he’d grabbed a towel on the way past the cabana and wiped the sweat off of his face and neck. The envelope with the familiar logo of the firm that he had employed to bring him glimpses of the life he’d left behind, lay on the small table at the bottom of the stairs. Each time one of the envelopes came, a rush of elation and guilt would wash through Justin. Elation because he would see pictures of his beloved Brian and guilt because he was spying on him and his old friends. Justin knew that Brian would hate it if he knew that he was being watched. The man was so private. It was one of the things that had come between them. Justin was open and shared everything with his partner and lover. But Brian on the other hand couldn’t bring himself to trust enough to share. Justin sighed and picked up the envelope. He took the stairs two at a time to his room. Once inside he threw the packet on his desk. He wanted to take a shower and dress before indulging in his passion for seeing Brian. At first when the envelopes would come. Justin would be in tears as he’d read the reports and looked at the pictures. But now, enough time had passed that his heart would ache, but he could keep his tears in check. He supposed he should be pleased with this small triumph, but he wasn’t. As usual, he passed the bathroom mirror without looking into it. The face that looked back at him wasn’t his. He’d never get used to it. Justin rubbed his hands over his short beard. It needed a trim; he’d stop off at the barber shop tomorrow after class. The beard had also changed him, but it covered the worst of the scarring that couldn’t be repaired. And had the added bonus of allowing him to not have to look into the mirror daily while he shaved. Justin kept his beard closely trimmed though making sure he visited the barber at least once a week. Because his beard had come in with reddish glints to it, his hair stylist had added a few red highlights to his otherwise blond hair. Justin often wondered if even his mother would recognize him. His whole body had changed in the past two years. Now it was reminiscent of Ben’s muscles though he’d never resorted to steroids. Justin stepped under the spray of the shower. As he did frequently when in his large shower, Justin let his mind wander back over time to when he and Brian would shower together. Often it was some of the best memories he had of the other man and one he used often in his fantasy life. Mishi could hear Justin’s shower start up through the open window. It was part of what had become a ritual before he would open the envelopes. He got up and walked inside the house to prepare for the next part of what would happen. It never failed, this soft hearted adopted son of his who loved with his whole being, yet couldn’t for some reason believe that he was good enough to love. The old man sighed. He’d grown close to Justin almost from the beginning. The months of agony that the young prince had endured without complaint sometimes brought Mishi to tears as he cried for Justin’s pain. Gradually, the operations became less and less until the blond had been pronounced ‘finished’. He was if anything, probably more handsome than he had been before. Before, from the pictures Mishi had seen, for he too knew the value of a private investigator, Justin Taylor had been a rather good looking but juvenile boy/man. Now, with his sculpted face and well muscled body, he was handsome beyond measure and had men and women alike wanting him. Mishi poured a drink for himself and one for Justin. He would be down soon clutching the latest picture of the man he loved. And soon the two of them would sit sprawled in the leather chairs of the study, while Justin would regale him with tales of Brian Kinney’s business prowess. Of his handsome demeanor, of his kind and gentle heart that Justin had broken. There would be tears hastily wiped away while he talked and then suddenly there would be no more tears and no more reminisces and these photos would disappear into the endless albums that Justin assembled in his room. Mishi turned; he could hear Justin coming down the stairs. Now he was Justin Taylor, heart sick boy from Pittsburgh. Later he would be Nitsuj Donovan, artist and heir to the Donovan fortune. Cold hearted playboy who frequented the clubs and brothels of Europe.