When You Touch Me 
Chapter 7

The phone rang beside Brian’s bed. He reached over and grabbed it before it could ring a second time. “Kinney” he all but whispered. It was late and he didn’t need his mother or Gus awake. Tomorrow would be soon enough to deal with them.

“I’ll stay either tomorrow night or Sunday night, your choice while you go out and play with your friends. But only if you promise to take me out to dinner when your mom goes home.”

“A dinner and movie if you’ll spend from say noon Saturday with them until I get home from Babylon late Saturday night.”

“How late?”

“Four”

“Twelve”

“Three”

“Two but I want flowers as well.”

“Any special kind of flowers?”

“Surprise me?” Justin hung up the phone. He couldn’t stop grinning.

Upstairs Brian hung up as well, his smile wide. He lay back on his bed and did what he did every night, he thought of the blond downstairs.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Justin was up early. He needed to go grocery shopping for both his place and Brian’s. For some reason Brian never appeared to notice when he ran out of something. Justin suspected the man used a shopping service. But for Justin, that wouldn’t do. He liked to choose his own groceries and if he were going to be feeding them during the week, then he’d shop. He was back just before noon. He put away the groceries in his apartment and then carried the bags for Brian up the stairs. He knocked on the door, though he knew he could have used his key. 

Brian’s eyes were wild when he opened the door. From the tension in the air, Justin could only assume that Joan Kinney and Brian were not getting along like they should be. “Thank god you’re here” Brian breathed. He looked down at the packages in Justin’s hands. “You went shopping?” surprised to see the bags.
“Yes, much as I’d love to, I can’t live on air and neither can you and yours. These are next week’s groceries.” Justin carried the bags into the kitchen. He looked at Brian. “Are you ready to leave?”

“I just need to grab my keys.” Brian said. “I really appreciate this Justin. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.”

Justin grinned at him. “Oh, I have an idea.” He looked at Brian and then took him by the arm leading him to the door. “Gus, come and kiss your daddy goodbye. He’s going to go play with his friends.” 

Gus came running over. “Bye daddy, have fun.” He smiled. “I love you daddy.”

“I love you too Sonny Boy.” Brian said as he gave his son a hug and a kiss. 

Justin reached over when Brian stood up and gave the older man a hug and a quick kiss as well. “Go get em Tiger” he whispered. “Come back hot and sweaty and smelling like the back room, which I hear is pretty raunchy.”

Brian laughed and actually blushed. “I’ll see what I can do. Thanks” he slipped out the door, closing it quickly before Justin could change his mind.

“I can’t believe you let him go off like that. I thought you were interested in him.” Joan Kinney began. 

Justin held up his hand for her to stop. “Not one more word on the subject.” He turned to Gus. “Help me put away the groceries. What do you and your grandma want to do today?”

“I don’t know.” Gus said as he began to unpack the bags of groceries looking at each thing carefully.

“We could go to the GLBC and look at the art work. They’re having a show to raise money for the center and some of my work is there.”

“I’m not going there.” Joan Kinney declared.

“If you go, I’ll take you to Church tomorrow.” Justin was getting good at bribing these Kinneys, you just needed to know what buttons to push.

Joan Kinney thought about that for a while. Justin and Gus continued to put away the groceries. “Did you want some lunch first?” Justin asked. 

“Grilled cheese” Gus declared.

“Sounds good to me.” Justin said. “Would you like a grilled cheese sandwich?” he asked Joan.

“That would be fine.” She agreed. “What kind of art is in this place you want to go to?”

“All kinds, I have three paintings and two sketches there. I’m sure there are lots more as well as sculptures and other things. You need to get out each day and walk around. This will be good for you. We can go to the park afterward. I’m going to make lasagna for dinner tonight. It’s one that is on your recommended diet.”

“I like the park.” Gus said. He was getting the bread ready for the sandwiches.

“I suppose I could go. Will you really take me to Church tomorrow?”

“I said I would and I will.”

“Brian won’t go.”

“I didn’t ask him. Besides Brian works hard all week. He can use the rest.”

“You work hard.” She said. “You work very hard.”

“Yes, but it’s different. I don’t have the same pressure on me that Brian does. He’s just started Kinnetic and he wants it to succeed. The world of advertising is a hard world and one that’s very fickle.” Justin finished making the sandwiches and put them on plates. He poured Gus a glass of milk and set the kettle on to make tea.

“Would you set the table please?” He asked Joan. She looked startled at the request but realized that there was no reason why she couldn’t set the table. It was a little thing but she felt good for having contributed to the lunch.

When lunch was finished and the kitchen returned to its usual pristine condition, Justin, Joan and Gus headed down to the park. Gus loved the park. One of his favorite pastimes was feeding the ducks at the duck pond. 

Justin walked along slowly; Joan had her arm linked through Justin’s at his insistance. Gus walked ahead of them excited about going to the park. He carried a bag filled with scraps of vegetables and bread for the ducks. “Justin, how did you know that Brian had to get out and away from everything?” Joan asked, her voice was quiet, she looked at Justin thoughtfully.

“It’s hard to say, Brian and I have a kind of connection. I know that sounds kind of strange, but it’s been like that from the moment I first laid eyes on him. I had this feeling like I’d known him before.” Justin as a quiet for a moment, “I feel what he feels, I can’t really explain it, and I know it doesn’t make any sense.” He looked at her. “It doesn’t make sense to me either. I went to bed last night and suddenly I knew that Brian needed some space, so I called.”

They walked along, both of them quiet. Together the three of them crossed the street at the corner and then through the gates to the park. Gus ran ahead to the swings. Justin and Joan followed him slowly. Making sure that Joan was settled on a bench before he headed over to Gus, Justin made a decision. “Yesterday I discovered some things about the way Brian was raised. And to be honest, it hurt me so badly, that I could have cried. I was so angry with you and with your husband I was barely able to function. It was only then that I realized I couldn’t and I shouldn’t force Brian into forgiving you and moving on. He was hurt so badly as a child for whatever reasons you had, that it really has to be his decision. I was the one responsible for him taking you in rather than sending you to a nursing home. I can see that you are trying to make amends in a way. But until you realize what you did to Brian, you really will never be able to do that.” He sighed. “I’m sorry Mrs. Kinney, but Brian’s well being and Gus’ come first to me. I’d like for us to all to be able to move forward. But it’s going to take time. I see that now.”

“Justin, you don’t understand what it was like living with Jack.” She began. 

“No I don’t understand. But I do understand Brian and I understand Gus, and I know that if Gus was put in the position Brian had been, I would move heaven and earth to save him from that no matter what the risk to myself was.”

“But the Church says to honor your husband. Things were different then.”

“Maybe so, but think about this, you and I will have only just met. Our relationship is a new one. I’m trying my best not to have any preconceived feelings and I want to be fair to you. You’ve been sick and I was taught by my own parents to use compassion.” He looked at Gus who was swinging high in the air, his laughter ringing out. “If you hurt Gus or Brian, you will have to go to your daughter Claire, or I will bring her back here. Money is really not an object to me. I can afford it. While I play with Gus, you think about that. I will gladly send you to Claire if you’d prefer not to stay with Brian and Gus on my terms. This is between you and I, just let me know.”

“Brian won’t know that you paid?” she asked.

“I won’t lie to him. But I won’t volunteer the information if that’s what you mean.”

“I’ll think about it. I want to talk to Claire first.”

“You can call her when we get back.” Justin bent down and kissed the old ladies cheek and then ran over to Gus.

Joan Kinney watched her grandson and Justin playing. She marveled at how the small boy was so much like Brian. In all ways but one. It was very obvious that they were father and son. Their eyes and their features were similar. But Gus had laughter in his face and a free and easy way with hugs and kisses. She couldn’t remember if Brian had ever had that. Had he always been sad? Had he ever hugged her and kissed her spontaneously? Had she ever heard him laugh like Gus was laughing now with Justin for the sheer joy of laughing? Joan Kinney wiped a tear that escaped down her cheek. She’d missed so much of her little boy’s life and the worst part of it all was that she’d destroyed the child. She could see that now. Brian had never learned to smile and laugh for no reason. He’d never learned to show affection in that free and easy way that Justin had about him. She could see now that Brian was afraid. He was afraid of being hurt by loving someone. Oh not of loving Gus. He was sure that his affection was returned there. But of loving another person, because by loving someone you had to put your life in their hands and trust that they wouldn’t destroy it.

And that’s what she had to do for Brian. She had to open up her life and her heart to Brian and his son. She had to forget the harsh teachings that she’d learned from stern old priests and remember that the way of the Lord meant love and giving, the way the younger priests taught. She had to accept her son the way he was and do her best to make up to him for all that she had helped to destroy. Maybe she had been given this chance by God to make right what she had done. 

Determination in her body helped her to stand up from the bench where she was sitting and slowly make her way to where Justin and Gus were intently studying a caterpillar as it made its way along a branch. “Boys, don’t we have to visit the GLC? I thought maybe we could stop at the diner for a soda after we look at some of the art.”

Justin and Gus looked at her, both of them smiled, their eyes lighting up at the thought. “Can I have a lemon square?” Gus asked.

“I don’t see why not if Justin thinks it won’t spoil your dinner.” Joan held out her hand and Gus put his small grubby one in it.

“I wish I knew how to make them.” Justin said as he stood up.

“I can show you if you’d like. I do believe I have the recipe. Debbie gave it to me a long, long time ago.” Joan Kinney said. She remembered the day clearly. Debbie had come over to have a talk with her about Brian and his needs. She’d given Joan a handful of Brian’s favorite recipes, hoping that the other woman would try and win her son back. Joan had never even looked at them, instead had stuffed the handwritten paper between the pages of her cookbook. She had been insulted that this loud and brash young woman and unwed mother had been telling HER how to raise her son. She should have listened.

“Why don’t we leave the visit to the center to another day. You must be tired. It’s really your first major outing.” Justin linked his arm through Joan’s. But we’ll definitely have to stop for a soda and a lemon square.”

“Justin, you don’t have to take me to Church tomorrow. I’ll understand. It won’t hurt me to miss it.”
“A promise is a promise. It won’t hurt me to spend an hour in Church and it’ll give Brian and Gus some alone time.”

“You are a very smart young man. Brian is lucky to have you in his life.” Her voice was hesitant, she wasn’t sure she should even be saying anything.

“We’re friends, that’s all.” Justin smiled to himself. He had to admit he sure would like to be much, much more than friends with the tall auburn haired beauty that lived above him.

“I’d like to see Brian happy with his life. You seem to calm him somehow.”

Justin wasn’t sure how to respond to that. He knew he had some kind of effect on the other man. He’d be crazy to think he didn’t. But how much of an effect and whether or not it was something that could become something more, was another whole different ballgame. He opted to say nothing at all; instead he smiled at Joan and continued to walk toward the diner.

“Hey Deb” Justin said as they walked through the door. He thought he’d forestall any questioning when she saw that he was with Brian’s mother as well as Gus. “You remember Joan Kinney don’t you?”

“I’ve got two grandmas” Gus announced proudly. “And they’re both beautiful.” He let himself be hugged and kissed by Deb without squirming. “Justin said I could have a lemon square.” He batted his lashes at her and both she and Joan Kinney laughed.

“You are so much like your daddy, dumplin’ “Debbie said as she gently pinched Gus’ cheek. “I remember those same lashes batting at me when he tried to get an extra lemon square to take to school.” Debbie straightened up and looked at Joan with a guilty expression. She hadn’t wanted to sound like Brian had spent time at her house instead of at home.

“Don’t be embarrassed Debbie, I should thank you from the bottom of my heart that you were there for Brian when I wasn’t. You are the one responsible for what a wonderful young man he is today and no one else.”

Justin and Debbie stood in the middle of the diner floor, their mouths hanging open in shock. Before either of them could say anything, Joan helped Gus up on one of the stools at the counter. 

Justin looked at Deb and shrugged his shoulders. Deb smiled and patted Justin on the arm before heading behind the counter to get Gus his lemon square.

Later that night, when Gus had been bathed and put into his bed and Joan had retired for the night as well after giving Justin a hug, Justin had time to sit in his favorite chaise lounge in Brian’s living room and reflect on the day that he’d had. Joan had acted almost shy when she’d told him at dinner that she wanted to stay and asked if that was alright with him. She said that she was going to try harder to become the mother she should have been for Brian.

Justin idly sketched as he thought about his day. He didn’t consciously plan it, but soon the face of the man he was falling in love with took shape under the skilled hand that held a pencil. 

Brian had spent the afternoon at the gym and then had dinner with Michael and Ben. Together the three of them headed for Woody’s and then Babylon. He relaxed and laughed and had a good time for the first time in a long while. But as the day wore on he realized that everywhere he looked and with every breath that he took, he was waiting for a blond head to appear and a hand to touch him like Justin did.

The sea of bodies in Babylon meant nothing to Brian any more and he wondered if that meant he’d finally grown up. He was propositioned so many times that Michael and Ben began to tease him about it, but each time he said he wasn’t interested.

There was only one man he was interested in and that man was at home waiting for him to return. Finally just after midnight Brian headed to the dance floor where Ben and Michael were dancing. “I’m heading home.” He told them. Not waiting for them to reply, Brian slipped through the crowds and out the door. Home, he was actually looking forward to going home to his son, his mother and best of all to Justin.

He opened the door to the loft quietly, not wanting to disturb any of the sleepers. Brian looked around for Justin and saw his blond head slumped on the chaise a sketch book on his lap. Toeing off his shoes, Brian made his way over to the sleeping form. He picked up the sketch book and closed it, but not before noticing the sketch Justin had done of the two of them entwined in each other’s arms. That’s the way Brian wanted them to be. To be close enough to hold each other through the good times and the bad times. 

Blue eyes opened and looked up. Justin’s smile was instantaneous and Brian saw the love and hope that swam in the depths of blue. A flush of heat traveled through him and he realized that Justin, the man from the apartment below him was someone he wanted to come home to on a regular basis.

“Hey Justin.” Brian’s voice was soft. “I’m sorry I stayed out so late.”

“S’okay” Justin said as he sat up. “Did you have fun?”

“It could have been better.”

“Oh?”

“If you’d been there it would have been great. I missed you.” Brian couldn’t take his eyes from Justin’s. He moved a bit closer until they were only inches apart.

“I missed you too.” Justin breathed. “Brian….” He began

“Shhh, don’t talk” Brian pulled him into his arms and bent to kiss Justin. He looked into his eyes for permission that was granted with a twinkle. At first the kiss was soft and gentle as they became used to one another. Then, the tip of Brian’s tongue touched Justin’s lips and from that point on, there was no stopping either of them. It was only when Brian began to slide his hand down Justin’s ass that Justin started. 

“Brian, no, please.” Panic in his voice.

Hearing the panic Brian stopped. He didn’t let go of Justin, but looked again into his eyes. “Justin?” he questioned. 

“I’m scared Brian, something happened to me before.” He looked down, he didn’t want Brian to see the shame in his eyes.

“Is that why you were so shy when I first met you?” Brian’s voice was gentle. His hand was rubbing circles on Justin’s back as he held the other man close.

“Shy, scared, nervous, terrified, you pick one or all of those words and you’ll have it covered.”

“Are you afraid of me?”

“No” the word was said almost too quietly for Brian to hear.

“Do you trust me?” Brian and asked.

And Justin realized that he did trust the other man. He trusted him to never hurt him and he suddenly knew that Brian would always be good to him and that he would never physically hurt him ever. “I trust you.” his words shook with emotion.

“It’s late and we’re both tired. I’d like to sleep with you.” Brian admitted. “I’d like to hold you close to me. We don’t have to do anything other than sleep.”

“When you touch me I feel safe.” Justin said and Brian could hear the wonder in his voice. “I feel special”

“You are special. You know I think about you lying in bed in the room under mine.” Brian brushed the hair from Justin’s forehead and then kissed the spot he’d touched.

“I think about you too.” Justin looked at Brian and giggled. “Are we pathetic or what?”

“I think we are just two guys who are both afraid of letting ourselves fall in love.” Brian was honest. “I didn’t believe in love.”

“Didn’t?”

“Until you touched me that first day.”

“I always believed in love, I just didn’t think it was something that two guys could ever have.” Justin leaned into Brian, he loved to feel Brian’s arms around him.

“I’m still not sure that it’s possible.” Brian admitted. “But for some strange reason I think that if it is possible, then you and I should try.”

“I think so too.” Justin looked up. “I know I sound like some kind of school girl, but I really am not ready for sex. It’s enough that I’ve even been able to let you hold me. But Brian, I would like to sleep in the same bed as you.”

Brian couldn’t believe he’d suggested it, let alone that Justin had agreed with him. Michael would die laughing if he knew that Brian Kinney was about to sleep platonically with a man that he was falling in love with. “Let’s go to bed Justin. We’ll analyze the reasons for doing it later, much later.”

Justin reached his hand out to Brian’s and when their hands joined, their fingers locked together. They both walked around the apartment shutting off the lights and then headed for the bedroom. Even taking turns in the bathroom was done with a comfortableness that Justin wouldn’t have thought possible. He stood on the opposite side of the bed from Brian and slowly removed his clothing leaving his underwear on. Brian did the same. They pulled back the covers and climbed into the bed, at first Justin lay stiffly on his side all too aware of the other man so close to him. He hadn’t shared his bed since he and Molly were young and never before had he shared his bed with a man that turned him on as much as Brian did.

Brian sighed, not sure if he was doing the right thing. He didn’t want to frighten Justin off. He reached over and touched the smooth pale shoulder. “Come here Justin, I want to hold you.”

Justin thought for a moment and then scooted over to be enveloped in a strong embrace. With the first touch he knew he’d done the right thing. A feeling of safety and rightness washed over him, his eyes shut and he was soon sleeping peacefully under the watchful gaze of Brian. Lulled by the soft breathing, Brian too fell asleep.

The next morning Brian woke with the delicious smell of pancakes coming into his room. He rolled over and found that he was alone in his bed. He could still feel Justin in his arms and the smell of the other man’s shampoo was on his pillow. He could hear Gus giggling and Brian knew he should get up.

“Shhh, you’ll wake up your daddy.” Justin said to Gus. 

“Brian should be up soon anyway. We have to leave in half an hour.” Joan Kinney said. “Gus do you want another pancake?”

“Yes grandma, I like chocolate chip pancakes.”

“I like making you chocolate chip pancakes.” Joan said with a smile.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Justin was worried she was doing too much.

“Justin dear, a few pancakes are not going to send me back to the hospital. I know to take it easy when I feel tired.” Brian could hear the clink of metal on china. “There you have the last one Justin.”

“I’m stuffed.” Justin said as he dug into the light and fluffy pancake. “Good thing these pants have always been loose.”

“I don’t think we need to worry about you gaining weight for a few years Justin.” 

“Daddy says he’s on a diet.” Gus piped up. “I think daddy is skinny”

“Your father looks pretty good to me.” Justin answered.

“He takes after my side of the family. He’ll always be tall and thin. I worry about him not eating properly though.”

“Hey.” Brian said as he strolled into the kitchen area. He was surprised to see his mother and Justin dressed up. Justin looked breathtaking in a light weight suit.

“Just in time.” Justin said with a smile. The smile became even brighter when Brian bent down and kissed him, his tongue tasting the syrup on Justin’s lips.

“Daddy, kiss me too.” Gus demanded. Brian laughed and kissed his son and then surprising himself and his mother he leaned over and kissed her cheek as well.

“What are the two of you all dressed up for?” Brian asked. He poured himself a cup of coffee and stole a forkful of Justin’s pancake.

“We’re going to Church Brian. Justin said he’d take me.” Joan Kinney could still feel the pleasant touch of her son’s lips on her cheek.

“Justin?” Brian questioned with raised eyebrows.

“Your mom wanted to go to Church and I said I’d go with her.” Justin smiled at Brian and glowed when Brian took another bite of his breakfast. “You and Gus can get in some father/son bonding time.” He looked at Joan. “We might stop off at a restaurant for lunch before we come back.”
“Oh and don’t forget, you said we could go to the GLC and see the art show.” Joan piped up much to the astonishment of Brian who didn’t know his mother even knew the GLC existed.

“We may be later than I thought.” Justin laughed as he stood up. He looked at Brian, his eyes speaking volumes. “Later Brian.” He said.

“Justin, kiss me goodbye.” Gus smiled up at him, his face rather sticky. Not hesitating Justin bent and kissed him.

“Be good for your daddy.” He turned and saw Brian looking almost lonely though he hadn’t left yet. Justin smiled and bent down to touch his lips to Brian’s. “Thank you for last night.” He whispered. His fingers touched their tips to Brian’s lips when the other man was about to speak. “Later.” He said again before moving to the door where Joan was waiting.

Brian and Gus sat at the table. Both of them listened to the elevator as it traveled down to the bottom floor. “What’s Church daddy?” Gus asked. “How come Justin and Grandma are going and we can’t go?”

Brian wasn’t sure how to answer Gus’ question. He wondered if he’d been doing his son a disservice by not at least showing him some aspects of religion. “You know how your mommies live in Heaven with God?” Brian began.

“Yes, and Justin’s mommy and daddy live there too.”

“Right, well Church is a place where some people go to talk to God in their prayers. And where they learn about things that God wants them to do.”

“Why can’t they say their prayers like I do? I don’t have to go to a Church. I just go to bed.”

“Well, some people like to pray in a big group. I don’t know why. But your grandmother is one of them and Justin doesn’t want her to be there without someone from the family because she’s been sick.”

“Can’t God look after her? I want to play with Justin.”

“Maybe you should ask your grandmother and Justin these questions when they get back. I’m sure they’ll have better answers.” Brian knew he was copping out, but he really was getting in over his head.

“Okay daddy, I understand.”

“What do you understand?”

“That you don’t know why they’re going there either.” Gus grinned at him. The boy definitely had his number.

Brian resisted rolling his eyes. He stood up and began to clear the table. “Did you like your pancakes?” he asked.

“Yep, grandma made them. She said that she was a bad mommy, that she should have made them for you when you were little, so she made them for me ‘cause I’m the next best thing.” Gus looked at his father. “Is that true daddy? Was grandma a bad mommy? How can a mommy be bad?”

“I wish I knew the answer Gus.” Brian shook his head. “I wish I knew the answer.”

Gus started to carry his plate to the sink shelf. “Daddy, it’s kind of boring here without grandma and Justin. I’ve got a good idea.”

“What’s that Gus?”

“Why don’t we walk to over to the Church and wait for them to get out. We could go to the restaurant and to see Justin’s pictures too. We could be a family.”

“It’s a long walk.” Brian began.

“We could take a taxi. You go have a shower daddy and wear something beautiful. Something that will make Justin and Grandma smile.”

“I’m always beautiful.” Brian said but he quickly finished loading the dishwasher and then headed for the shower. 

Justin enjoyed the service. It was different from what he was used to. But beautiful and the sermon had been moving. They were walking out when a woman came up to them and gave Joan a hug. “Joan, I’m so glad to see you up and about.”

“Hello Stella, it will be a few weeks before I’m back to normal, but I’m getting there.” She turned to Justin. “Let me introduce you to Justin Taylor, he’s a friend of my son’s and he’s the one responsible for getting me on my feet.”

“Hello Justin, do you work with Brian?” Stella asked.

“No, I live in the apartment below him.” Justin smiled at her.

“Yes, but I’m hoping that someday, he’ll move in with Brian. They make a lovely couple.” Joan almost laughed when she saw the look of astonishment on both Justin’s face and her friend Stella’s.

“But…” Stella began. 
“Justin, Grandma, we came to meet you.” Gus rushed up and threw his arms around Joan’s legs. “Daddy says he’s going to take us all to a fancy restaurant for lunch.”

“That’s lovely Gus.” She looked at her friend. “This is Brian’s son, Gus.”

“Hi” he said. “Me and grandma and daddy and Justin are a real family. We’re going out for lunch.” He took his grandmother’s hand and then Justin’s.

Justin looked over at the parking area. Brian was lounging against the side of his car, the sunlight creating a halo around him like he was a god. Brian nodded casually and then straightened up to walk toward them. “Hey Mom” he said and kissed his mother’s cheek as if he always greeted her that way. “Justin” he kissed Justin’s cheek as well. “I have reservations in fifteen minutes for one of the best places in town. I thought that if we were going to be a family, we might as well start off in style.”

“Brian, you always did like the best of everything.” Joan said with a smile.

“And I have it here, right now with all of you.” Brian’s voice was sincere. He put his arm around Justin’s shoulder and walked down the sidewalk from the Church. Joan Kinney holding Gus’ hand, Gus holding Justin’s hand and Brian with his arm around Justin, all of them touching one another. All of them smiling as they set off to begin their new life.

The end
July 7, 2004