When You Touch Me 
Chapter 4

“I can’t believe you’re doing this Justin.” Daphne was lying on Justin’s bed, her head cradled by his down filled pillow.

“Me either brother dear, you’ve completely lost it for Brian.” Molly was on the other side of the bed, her feet on the pillow, her head down at the end.

“I think maybe Brian is ‘the one’ you know what I mean. I have to help him ‘find’ his mother and she needs to learn to accept me. And to accept us both as a couple.” Justin sighed as he looked up at his ceiling, the girls on either side of him. He wondered if he should paint a design up there and if so, what kind of a design.

“So you’re a couple.” Daphne snorted. “Already.”

“No, but I think I want to be.” Justin gently flicked his finger at her.

Daphne rubbed her arm where he’d touched her. “Have you mentioned your ideas to Brian?”

“I bet he hasn’t.” Molly piped up. “He’s never going to have the nerve.”

“It just so happens that I did talk to Brian about it. I talked to him after we went to the hospital to visit his mother.” He sighed dramatically. “He introduced me as his ‘boyfriend’.

“That was just to piss her off and you know it.” Daphne mocked.

“I know, but I kind of liked it.” Justin admitted.

“Well what was your great idea?” Molly asked. “Don’t tell us you offered to mother-sit during the day.”

“I won’t tell you.” Justin started to mentally draw the ceiling design and picking the colors he’d use.

“Pay attention.” Daphne pinched his arm.

“Owuch” Justin turned his head to glare at his friend. “I am paying attention. Do you think that variegated shades of plum would be better on the ceiling or deep blues or maybe plum and blues combined?”

“What” Molly and Daphne asked, “are you talking about?”

“The ceiling, I’m thinking of painting the ceiling?” Justin looked from one girl to the other. “What did you think I was talking about?”

“You know damn well what we’re talking about asshole.” Molly gave him a kick.

“Yes I suggested that I act as a companion to Brian’s mother while he’s working. I can also watch Gus at the same time. It’s not like the woman is bed ridden. She just needs to have someone near incase she has a recurrence.”

“But from what I heard, she’s well to say homophobic puts it mildly.” Daphne looked at Molly. “Remember what Debbie at the diner said?”

“Yes Justin, you should talk to Debbie. She’s the one who had to keep Brian together when he was growing up. She knows all about his mother.” Molly let her baby finger hook with Justin’s in a familiar gesture that meant the two of them stuck together.

“Ladies, I’m going to make my own decisions about this. I just met the woman and for that matter, I’ve just met Brian. Yes I’m attracted to him. Yes I think he’s hot. But for the moment that’s as far as it goes. Don’t jump to any conclusions.”

“Justin, you don’t know what you’re getting into. Having someone elderly to care for as well as child, is a lot of work.” Molly tried to reason with her brother.

“First off, Mrs. Kinney isn’t elderly. She’s in her late fifties maybe and would be about the same age as Mom if she’d lived. She’s mobile and only needs companionship. Secondly Gus is hardly a hard to manage child. He’s rather precocious and a joy to be with. So what if I give up a couple of months of my time. It’s not like I’m doing anything important like saving the world or anything. I’m a fucking artist and yes I’m working with you Molly, but you have to admit, I can still do that even if Mrs. Kinney and Gus are here.”

Daphne and Molly looked at one another and in the way of long time friends spoke volumes with that look. Finally Daphne turned to Justin and said. “We’ll help you and Brian when we can.”

“I knew you’d help. We’ve always been there for each other.” Justin got up off of the bed. “I’m going to the hospital to see Mrs. Kinney this afternoon. I want to talk to her without Brian being around to run interference.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Daphne asked. “Brian doesn’t like people interfering in his life. Cynthia and I talked about him quite a bit. I know Brian better than a lot of people because of that talk.”

“Why aren’t you at work?” Justin asked to change the subject. “It’s a work day.”

“I know what day it is. But we work flex hours at Kinnetic. That’s what Brian is changing the name of the company to. I put in forty hours a week. I worked twelve yesterday and a half day today. It all works out in the end.”

“That’s kind of cool.”

“Yeah, we have a daycare program and everything there. Brian is really a good employer.”

“So now you can have that kid you’ve always wanted and still work.” Justin teased. 

“I’d need to find a father first.” Daphne laughed.

“There’s Winnie” Molly offered up.

“We’ve had one date and we work together. I don’t think I’m about to ask him to be the father of my child for a topic of conversation for the second date if there is one.”

“Oh, there’ll be a second date.” Molly grinned. “I saw the way he looked at you.”

“Will you girls take your little ‘date’ talk downstairs? I need to shower before I head to the hospital.” Justin stood by the bathroom door looking at his two friends.

“We can take a hint.” Molly and Daphne stood up and both of the kissed Justin on their way past.

Later, Justin walked into Joan Kinney’s hospital room. He stood for a moment at the door and looked in at the lonely woman who lay in the hospital bed. Her face was drawn and sad, her eyes shut, but he could tell she wasn’t sleeping. There were no flowers or cards to brighten up the room. “Excuse me, Mrs. Kinney, can I come in?” Justin asked. 

She opened her eyes and looked at him standing there holding a large bouquet of flowers and soft grey stuffed rabbit wearing a pink dress. “You came back.” She said. “Justin isn’t it?”

“Yes, that’s me.” He walked into her room. Justin placed the mixed bouquet of flowers on the small table by her bed. “I thought you might like these. The colors are so pretty they made me smile when I saw them.” He put the rabbit in the bed with her. “And the rabbit is just something to touch. Everyone needs some bunny to love.” He quipped with a smile.

“Your kind are good with flowers.” She slurred her words slightly and then frowned knowing she wasn’t speaking clearly.

“You mean blond artists? Or fags?” he laughed at the surprise on her face. “I guess that would be a yes to both.”
“Brian doesn’t know about flowers. He was always very masculine when he grew up.”

“That’s so sad that you didn’t teach him about the beauty and language of flowers.” Justin deliberately ignored her meaning behind her words. “My mother and father taught me about flowers from an early age. The language of flowers is rather wonderful.”

"My beloved is gone down to his garden, To the beds of spices, To feed in the gardens, and to gather lilies.I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine; He feedeth [his flock] among the lilies," ~Solomon 6:2,3~ 

“I always thought that was such a lovely passage” Justin quoted. “When I was younger I used to think that Solomon’s friend liked boys like I did.”

“Blasphemy” she hissed.

“No, just innocence.” Justin said. “And really since the book was written more than two thousand years ago and translated so many times, who is to say it wasn’t the way I thought.”

She shook her head too tired to argue the point and looked at the bouquet in the vase beside her. “I suppose you know the meanings of all of these flowers.” She said.

“Actually I do. I picked them out for you special.” Justin couldn’t resist smiling he stood up to indicate each flower as he spoke. He saw that her fingers were caressing the soft fur of the rabbit. He’d been told that it was comforting to someone in her condition to have the tactile feel of the fur. “The fern that surrounds the bouquet stands for ‘fascination’. You will be beginning a new and fascinating adventure living with Brian. It is holding this ‘freesia’ and the freesia is innocence. Gus is innocent of all that went on between you and his father and he should remain so. These gladiolas are for strength of character. Brian has considerable strength of character for no matter what he endured in his childhood or how you feel about his sexuality, he would not turn you away. The irises are for faith, wisdom, valor and promise. That’s what the next few weeks will be about. And these little bachelor buttons are for hope. I think that’s self explanatory.”

“Your mother taught you this?” she asked her eyes filled with the sight of the bouquet and all that the flowers meant.

“Actually it was my father who taught me the language of flowers.” Justin sat down on a chair that he’d pulled up beside the bed. “I wanted to get to know you better. You’ll be coming home to Brian’s apartment in a couple of days and because Brian has to work and you can’t be left alone, I thought rather than have some homemaker who you don’t know, it would be better if you and spent our day together. We could have Gus there too when he wasn’t in school.”

“Why?” she asked. “Why you?”

“I’m Brian’s friend and I care about him and Gus and you are an extension of both of them.” He smiled at her. “And my mother is no longer alive. I would do the same for her if she needed me.”

“Why aren’t you working during the day?”

“I’m an artist. I work when the mood strikes me. And I work with my sister Molly and my friend Daphne. We have developed a video teaching game for children.” He looked down. “My parents were wealthy, when they died Molly and I inherited everything. We really don’t need to work, but we do. We do what we can for others because it’s something we’re sure our parents would have liked.” He looked up and into her eyes that were so much like Brian’s. “Brian doesn’t really know I have a lot of money so if you don’t mind could this be just between the two of us?”

“A relationship should never be built on lies.” She said and this time her words were clear. “You will only be hurt if it is. I know that now. I’ve learned my lesson well.”

He looked at her and realized that she had been hurt, deeply hurt though she covered it better than most. “I know Brian said I was his boyfriend, but we really only have just met. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I don’t think Brian has either. I have the apartment below Brian’s and we have become friends through Gus. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like to be more than friends, but I really don’t know how.” He gave a depreciating laugh. “I don’t think Brian knows how either. Both of us are kind of mixed up emotionally.” He looked down. “My story is kind of short and sad. I don’t know Brian’s story.” He sighed. “I know that it might seem strange to you. But being gay isn’t a walk in the park by any means. We didn’t choose to be this way. We were born like that. We all want the same thing anybody does. We want someone to love and to love someone. The thing is we don’t really know how and life seems to go against us so it’s hard to find love. I mean real love and not just some five minute passion that’s meaningless.”

“Finding real love isn’t easy no matter what your sexuality Justin.” Her voice was soft. “I’m sure that you and my son will find each other if it’s meant to be.” She couldn’t believe she’d just said that. It went against everything she’d been taught. But listening to Justin had made her realize that she had to rethink the lessons she’d learned over the years.

“Mrs. Kinney, I appreciate you saying that to me. It makes me feel a bit better. Sometimes I miss my mother. We used to talk about things like this and she always had a way with words that made it right somehow. Molly and Daphne, well they don’t really understand.”

Her hand went out and shaking slightly from the exertion she covered Justin’s hand with hers. “It will all work out son, you wait and see.” And she wondered to herself why it was so easy to talk to Justin like this and so difficult to talk to her own son who was filled with anger and resentment. And why she couldn’t say these things to Brian and why she’d made him so full of hate. A tear trickled from the corner of her eye. She used her other hand to brush it away not wanting to appear any weaker than she was.

The two of them talked for almost an hour before fatigue set in and she was barely able to keep her eyes open. Justin stood up and kissed her cheek. “I’ll stop in and visit tomorrow. You have a good rest. Your body needs it to rebuild.”

“I just need a cigarette.” She joked.

“No one needs a cigarette. It really isn’t cool to smoke anymore. You want to be one of the cool kids don’t you?” his voice was teasing.

“I was never one of the ‘cool’ kids.” She smiled sleepily.

“You are now.” He kissed her cheek again before he left the room. Justin looked at his watch as he left the hospital. It was almost three. Gus would be getting out of school shortly. He opened his cell phone when he reached the street and called Brian’s office line. “Hey” he said when Brian answered. “I’m close to Gus’ school. Do you want me to pick him up for you?”

“You don’t have to do that.” Brian said.

“I know, but I don’t mind.” Justin had reached his car. “You can stay and work, think of the brownie points you’ll get from your boss.”

“I am my boss.”

“See don’t you feel better already.” Justin teased. For some reason he was never nervous talking to Brian on the phone. Maybe they could just have some kind of phone relationship.

“I do have some things to do. I was going to bring the work home.”

“I’ll take Gus to the diner for a snack. I was planning on making chicken alfredo for dinner. I can make enough for both of you. Dinner will be at six thirty.”

Brian hesitated; no one did this kind of thing for him. Well they hadn’t before. “I’d like that” he said and he realized that he really would like to have dinner with Justin. “I’ll stop at the hospital before I go home. I want to let my mother know what arrangements have been made. You’re sure you don’t mind?”

“Brian, if I minded I wouldn’t have suggested it. I’ll see you for supper.” Justin disconnected and started his car. 

“Justin.” Gus said with a smile. He rushed over to his classroom door and gave Justin a hug. “Are you picking me up today?”
“Yep, I’m starving I thought we might go to the diner and have a lemon square snack before we go home.”

“Yippee” Gus jumped up excited. “I’ll get my backpack.” He ran off to the hooks on the wall where his back pack hung. The teacher smiled at Justin and nodded. She had been told that Justin was on the list of people who could pick Gus up at school.

Justin and Gus walked out of the school hand in hand. Gus was happy that Justin had picked him up. “Is my daddy still working?” he asked.

“Yes, he is. I called him so he knows where you’ll be.”

“I loooooove lemon bars.” 

“Just one each, you and your daddy are having dinner at my place tonight. You can help me make it.”

“Okay” Gus skipped beside Justin. He threw his backpack into the rear seat and climbed in after it. “Seat belt Justin” he reminded.

Justin laughed as he did up his seat belt. “Good for you Gus.”

Gus loved Justin’s car. It was different than his daddy’s. He liked the bright yellow color. It was a happy car.

At the diner the two of the were noticed instantly by Debbie who hollered “Gus and Sunshine” making everyone’s head turn. 

“Hi Grandma Deb,” Gus said. He ran over and gave her a kiss. “Justin and I are here for an after school snack.”

“I have two lemon bars with your names on them right over here.” She said. Justin was walking toward a booth when someone called his name.

“Hey Justin, you guys can sit with us.” It was Michael who had called. He was sitting with his friend Emmett.

“Hi guys.” Justin pushed in beside Michael and Gus scrambled up on the seat beside Emmett.

Debbie set the lemon squares and two glasses of milk down on the table. “Here you go boys, enjoy.”

“Hi Uncle Mikey, hi Auntie Em.” Gus said. He reached for his lemons square.

“Hi Gus, where’s your daddy?” Emmett asked.
“Workin” Gus wasn’t interested in conversation when there was a lemon square with his name on it.

Michael laughed and so did Justin and Emmett. “A man of few words, my kind of guy,” Michael said. He turned to Justin. “I hear Brian’s mother is sick. How’s Brian taking it? He hasn’t returned my calls.”

“It’s upsetting for him, but he’s dealing with it.” Justin said. “We went to the hospital yesterday; she should make a full recovery.”

“You went to the hospital with him to meet his mother?” Emmett asked before Michael could. “Well my goodness gracious, what is this world coming to?”

“Justin is going to help daddy look after Grandma.” Gus said through a mouthful of lemons square.

“Gus, don’t talk with your mouth full, it isn’t polite.” Justin admonished gently.

“Sorry Justin.” Gus smiled at him.

“What’s Gus talking about?” Michael asked.

“Mrs. Kinney can’t be home on her own until the doctor is sure that she is on her way to recovery. She’s going to stay with Brian for a month or so and I’ll be with her when Brian’s at work. It’s no big deal.”

“Why honey, how sweet of you.” Debbie had heard Justin’s words. She patted his cheek and kissed his forehead. “My Michael would do the same thing for me. I just never knew Brian Kinney had it in him.”

“She is his mother.” Justin said quickly defensive about Brian. “He isn’t heartless.”

Michael agreed. “He likes to pretend he is, but he really isn’t.” he looked at Justin. “Are you going to be okay with this? I can help if you need help, the store is closed on Mondays.”

“Thanks for the offer Michael. I’ll remember that if I need to get away. I think everything should be fine. Mrs. Kinney isn’t bedridden or anything. She just needs company.”

“Justin are you going to eat your lemon square?” Gus asked.

“Drink your milk Gus and we’ll discuss the lemon square after.” Justin smiled at the boy.

“Okay” Gus drank his glass of milk, though his eyes never left the lemon square.

Justin carefully split it apart and put half on Gus’ plate and ate the other half. “That’s it; I want you to eat your supper.”

“I always eat my supper.” Gus said as he lifted the last of the lemon square up. “I’m a growing boy.” He peered at Justin “Daddy doesn’t eat his supper. Maybe he eats lots of lemon squares in the afternoon.”

Michael and Emmett burst out laughing. “I don’t think lemon squares are on your daddy’s list of things he eats in the afternoon honey.” Emmett said. “He prefers more protein.”

Justin shot a glare laced with venom at Emmett. “Brian’s eating habits are none of our business.” He declared. To change the subject he looked at Michael. “Did you ever put any of those story ideas together for me to look at?” he asked.

“You were serious?” Michael smiled as he asked. “I didn’t think you meant it. People blow me off all the time when it comes to my comic book ideas.”

“I’m serious. Gus and I are leaving now, but if your store isn’t too far, we could stop by and pick them up.”

“It’s not too far.” Michael moved out of the booth after Justin. “Bye Em, we have to go.” He reached into his pocket. “Let me pay for your snack.” He threw a few bills on the table. 

“Thanks Michael” Justin said. “But you don’t have to do that.”

“Sure I do, it’s worth it. You’re going to look at my stories.” His eyes sparkled with glee and he all but pulled Gus and Justin out of the diner. “The store is on the next block. It’s not far.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Later at Justin’s apartment, Gus was busy coloring at the kitchen table. He’d helped Justin prepare the salad and cut up the chicken and vegetables. The alfredo sauce was simmering and a pot of water was ready to add the noodles. Justin sat on the other side of the table intent on his first drawings for Michael’s comic book. He needed to get the superhero right before he could even begin to work on the story line which was pretty simplistic but interesting. Soft music was playing in the background and the sound of pencils on paper could be heard but otherwise there was silence as the two of them concentrated on what they were doing.

A knock on the door caused them both to lift their heads. It had to be Brian. Justin called out. “It’s open, come on in.” and smiled when Brian stepped through the door.

“Hey” Brian said. “I’m sorry I’m late. I hope you didn’t wait for me.”
“We waited for you daddy. I had lemon squares after school so I wasn’t hungry. But I am now.” Gus said to his father, his voice happy. “I helped make the dinner. Justin let me cut up the chicken and I tore up the lettuce for the salad. I was very careful with the sharp knife.”

“I’m sure you were Sonny Boy.” Brian said as he walked to the table.

Justin had gotten up and was by the stove. “I’ll start the pasta. If you’d like a glass of wine there is some white in the fridge.”

“I want wine.” Gus said.

“In about fourteen years Gus.” Justin answered. “Until then it’s grape juice for you.”

“That’s no fair.”

Brian laughed. “Justin is right. You are much too young for wine. Justin is too young for wine. It’s only for us old guys.”

“Brian, I’m almost the same age as you are.” He looked at Gus. “After you wash your hands, you can set the table Gus. Remember how I showed you.”

Gus got down from the table. He cleared off his coloring and Justin’s sketchbook before getting the plates and then the silverware off of the low counter where Justin had left it for him earlier.

Brian had poured himself a glass of wine and was leaning against the counter. He watched fascinated as Gus carefully set the table the way he’d obviously been taught.

Gus put the silverware at each place. Brian could see his lips moving as he silently reviewed what he was doing. “Tell me what you’re doing Gus.” Brian asked.

“That’s easy daddy. This is a salad fork and this is a dinner fork. The salad fork is on the outside the dinner fork next to the plate because you eat the salad first and the dinner next. This is a spoon to help you twirl your noodles, this is a knife and this is a teaspoon, but you are having coffee so it should be a coffee spoon, but a coffee spoon is too little.” He had run on and was out of breath with his explanation. 

“Very good.”

“And Justin has funny forks for eating lobster and funny spoons with long handles for ice tea and parrrr… he looked at Justin. 

“parfaits” Justin prompted.

“Right, parfaits, Justin is going to make one so that I can see it. I don’t know what they look like. And there are dessert spoons and tablespoons and butter knives. Setting the table is hard work and you have to know lots of stuff.”

“And to think I figured a knife and fork was all you needed.” Brian said with a laugh. “I guess I learned something too today.”

“Gus wanted to know what all the different things in the silverware drawer were.” Justin explained.

“I’m not complaining.” Brian smirked. “We’re poor Irish folk. It’s time we learned some manners.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “Dinner is ready.” He placed a plate in front of Gus and then looked at Brian who was still lounging against the counter. “Have a seat Brian.” 

Brian ginned and sat down. He looked at his son who was patiently waiting for something. “What are you waiting for Gus?” he asked.

“Justin says that it’s polite to wait until everyone is at the table before you start eating.” Gus explained. “And you cover your lap with your napkin.” He demonstrated. “You too daddy.”

“My you’ve been a busy boy today learning table manners.” Brian said. He wasn’t sure if he should be insulted or pleased that Gus had been instructed in table etiquette. 

“Justin said that I’m a big boy and I should learn things like this.” Gus looked toward Justin who was sitting down now. “Can I start eating now Justin?” he asked.

“Yes you can.” Justin smiled at the boy. “Thank you for waiting Gus. You are a very polite boy.”

“You’re welcome Justin. This is really good dinner even the salad.” Gus had been leery about the salad. Justin had added sunflower seeds and small bits of broccoli and cauliflower.

“Yes it is good Justin.” Brian was surprised at his appetite. He rarely ate this late in the evening but Justin’s dinner that he’d prepared not only looked good, but it smelled and tasted wonderful.

When dinner was over and the kitchen cleaned up. Brian said. “I need to take Gus home for his bath and bedtime. I’d like to talk to you about today and about my mother. Can you come up to the loft in an hour?”

“I can do that.” Justin agreed. After Brian and Gus left Justin took a shower and then dressed in a pair of soft cotton pants gathered at the waist. He added an ivory cotton shirt and only buttoned it part way. He knew deep down he was trying to seduce Brian, but he would only admit to himself that he was dressing for comfort for the evening. Before going out the door he grabbed the half bottle of wine. He shut and locked his door and then nervously walked up the stairs. Wondering if he was dressed too obviously or if Brian would even notice, Justin knocked gently on the door.

Sliding open the loft door Brian stood for a moment and looked at Justin standing there in revealing pants with his shirt partially buttoned. If he didn’t know better he’d think the younger man was trying to seduce him. “Hey” he said as he opened the door wider for Justin to come in.

“I brought the rest of the wine.” Justin said unnecessarily as he held up the bottle for Brian to see.

“And you changed as well.” Brian smirked.

“I needed a shower, so I put on something comfortable afterward. I’ll be going to bed after we talk.” Justin moved into the living room area with more bravado than he felt and sat down on the sofa.

Brian poured them each a glass of wine. He turned down the lights so that the living room area was in shadow. Sitting down at the other end of the sofa he handed Justin a glass of wine. “You visited my mother today.” He began.

“I thought we should get to know each other.” Justin smiled at Brian before he took a sip of wine for courage.

“She said you brought her the flowers and that ridiculous rabbit.”

“I thought she was a cute rabbit.” Justin defended. 

“Thank you. She seemed pleased with your visit.” Brian turned and stared out the window as if seeking some kind of insight. “I should have brought flowers.” He said softly.

“We aren’t in a competition Brian. Bringing flowers to someone in the hospital is a natural thing for me. It isn’t for you. No one thinks any less of you for it.”

“I do. I should have thought that she could use some flowers or something.”

Justin reached his hand out and put it on Brian’s arm. “Bring some tomorrow when you go and visit.”

“I’m really conflicted about this.” Brian admitted. “She’s my mother. I shouldn’t feel this way.” He didn’t go on.

“Brian, look at me.” Justin asked. He turned so that he was facing the other man. Brian continued to stare straight ahead. Not taking no for an answer, Justin moved until he was beside Brian and with his hand on Brian’s chin, turned his face toward him. “She’s your mother, she understands.”

“I don’t even understand Justin.” Brian looked miserable. “I don’t know what to do or how to act around her. All the hatred and fear has fizzled out of me like some kind of balloon with a slow leak and I’m left empty.”

Justin did the only thing he could do. He rested his head on Brian’s shoulder and held him close. After a few minutes Brian relaxed in Justin’s embrace and put his own head against Justin’s. He felt surprisingly at peace with himself as the younger man held him close and they stared out the window at the city night sky.

Tbc.