Midnight Whispers
In celebration of the new web site
Plot bunny by Terhi 

“Geeze Brian, you look like shit.” Was Cynthia’s greeting to her boss. She handed him a cup of hot coffee. “Did you have a hard night at Babylon?” she asked.

“Piss off Cynthia” he mumbled as he took a sip of his coffee. “Where is the Magruder contract?”

“On your desk.” She replied, paying his bad mood and snarly reply no mind. She was used to him after all the years they had worked together. Admittedly lately he was worse than ever, but he usually came around by noon.

Brian watched her walk out of his office. He hated that he kept losing control of his temper, but lately he seemed to be another person altogether. It had to be the lack of sleep. He was almost afraid to shut his eyes. Brian shuffled the files on his desk, his eyes not focusing on what he was doing; he was so caught up in his thoughts of the night before.

Attempting to stave off any dreams, Brian had resorted to his usual methods of pain relief, only it hadn’t been working lately. This time he took a chance and tried something new Anita offered him. Spending the next hour on his knees worshiping the less than clean porcelain god in Babylon told him that it had been a bad idea. His phone rang and Brian looked at it balefully willing it to stop ringing. Finally accepting the inevitable he picked up the receiver. “Kinney.” He barked.

“Brian are you okay?” Michael asked. “You were pretty out of it last night.”

“Just peachy Mikey.” Brian said and then sighed. “Mikey, I can’t talk now, I’ve got a meeting in ten minutes and I need to go over a file before I see the client.”

“You work too hard Brian.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all Mikey. I work too hard and I play too hard. That’s life Mikey, that’s my life, and it suits me just fine.” Brian rubbed his fingers over his forehead, the beginnings of another headache was crowding his vision and it wasn’t even ten in the morning. He was dead tired but every damn time he shut his eyes the whispering would begin and he’d be back in Jack’s house taking the abuse that had been an everyday occurrence.

Night after night no matter how much he self medicated or worked himself into exhaustion. It was always the same. He shook his head as if to rid himself of his bad thoughts. “I’ve got to go Mikey, I’ll catch you later.” Brian hung up the phone over his friend’s protests. He knew Michael meant well, but he couldn’t tell him some of the things that he was reliving. Brian had never been able to talk about the abuse, both physical and verbal he’d received from his parents. It had become a way of life for him as a child and a hidden secret as he became older. For years he’d questioned why he’d been treated that way and the only thing he could come up with was the fact that somehow, he was a bad person. Something his parents had recognized from the beginning. They must have started out loving him. I mean don’t all parents loved their children? But as he grew, Brian figured he must have somehow shown his true being to his parents. They were only trying to make him a better person. After all that’s what they told him every time he was punished.

“Brian, I’ve shown your clients to the boardroom.” Cynthia’s voice came over the intercom interrupting Brian’s thoughts. He picked up his folders and stood up looking away quickly from his reflection in the glass when he saw the darkened smudges under his eyes. He straightened his shoulders and walked out of his office toward the boardroom.

The meeting was long and involved. Gardner Vance kept casting glances at Brian as if questioning some of what he was saying. Finally it was over, the contract signed and the clients walked to the elevator. Brian entered his office grateful for the subdued lighting.
His boss was on his heels. Brian looked over at Gardner as the man shut the door.
“What now?” Brian asked as he reached into his desk to try and locate some Tylenol.

“Brian you need to take some time off.” 

“Pardon me?”

“You’ve been working for me for two years now and other than the occasional weekend, you haven’t taken any vacation time.”

“I’ve been busy bringing in clients Gardner, perhaps that fact escaped your notice.” 

“Hardly Brian, but look at you. You’re exhausted. I can see it, the other staff members can see it and I’m afraid the clients can see it. I don’t want you working yourself into an early grave.”

“I’ll take off this weekend.”

“No, I’m afraid that’s not good enough. I want you to get a good long rest. I’m going to let you have the cabin for the next six weeks. It’s secluded and it’s on a lake. There’s everything you need to survive there and best of all it doesn’t have a telephone so you can’t do any work.”

“You know that won’t work. I have a son. What if they need to get a hold of me?” Brian couldn’t believe that he was expected to leave the firm for six weeks and stay at some damn shack in the woods.

“The general store is only two miles away. If it’s an emergency the wife of the owner will bring you the message. She also does the cleaning there once a week when someone uses it. You won’t even have to do that.”

“It sounds like you’ve thought of all the angles.” Brian’s voice was bitter.

“Not all of them” his boss said with a smile. “But I tried my best.”

Friday of that week saw Brian packing two bags into his car and heading, with the help of a hand drawn map, to find of all places, Kissing Bridge. A small village close to the Vermont border. 

Lindsay hadn’t been too happy when he informed her that she and Mel would have to deal with Gus pretty much on their own for six weeks. And Michael, well Brian had taken the easy way out there; he’d left a message on Michael’s answering machine telling him he’d be away for six weeks and not to worry.

Twice Brian pulled over and closed his eyes to rest when his tiredness got the better of him. Twice he woke up in a cold sweat from a barely remembered nightmare, still feeling the sting from a slap to his face though it had been more than twenty years. The hateful whispers mere memories. The last time he woke, Brian shuddered and questioned his own sanity, though resolutely he turned the key in the ignition and once again turned out onto the road.

Sunlight had faded to a dusky mauve among the full leafed trees by the time Brian turned off the highway at the Kissing Bridge general store. He felt like he was unfolding himself from the confines of the car and he wondered if he’d ever be able to get back in to drive the rest of the way to the cabin. Stretching tall, arms in the air, Brian turned to look at the store. It was well after six and he wasn’t sure that it was even open. Not sure what to do he stood still for a moment. Suddenly the door opened and out tumbled a laughing and giggling couple. They were striking. He was blond with sparkling blue eyes, so blue that Brian could see them in the shadowed gloom of the evening. She was full of life, a dusky maiden with flashing eyes and an infectious smile, her hair a jumble of curls barely tamed by a pink ribbon. They ran out of the store and almost right into Brian.

“Dr. Taylor, you behave yourself with my granddaughter now.” An older woman called from the doorway. She waved at the two of them as they sped down the road on matching bicycles. It was only then that she noticed Brian. “You must be Mr. Kinney, we’ve been expecting you. Come on inside while I get your box for you.”

“My box?” Brian asked.

“Yes of course, I packed up a box of everything you might need for the first day or so. You come on back when you run out of supplies.” She handed a heavy box to Brian as he stood in the doorway. “Now you just follow that map that’s on the top of the box. You can’t miss it, the cabin has a large purple door. It’s the only cabin that does.”
Brian placed the box on the front seat making sure the map was facing the driver’s side. “How much do I owe you for the supplies?” He asked. He felt foolish; he’d never even thought he might need supplies.

“Why that just goes on Mr. Gardner’s account. He settles up with me monthly, don’t you worry none about it.”

“Thanks.” Brian mumbled. “Oh and about emergency phone calls, there really is only one person who might call and that’s Lindsay Peterson, my son’s mother.”

“I’ll make a note of that. Mr. Gardner said you were here for a rest and not to be bothering you.”

Brian smiled at her, “What’s your name?”

“Oh dear, I’m sorry, my names Hilda, Hilda Chalmers.” She looked embarrassed at having forgotten to introduce herself.

“I’m Brian, Mrs. Chalmers, glad to meet you.” and Brian realized that his words were true. The quiet and calmness of the woods that surrounded the small oasis of business were already having an effect on him.

“Feel free to call me Hilda, almost everyone does around here.”

“Except those who call you Grandma,” he joked.

She smiled, “Yes, except those young ones.” She looked fondly in the direction that the two young people had traveled. “Those two have been up to no good since they were five years old. Now that they are both doctors, you’d think they would settle down, but no, they both are just as flighty as ever.” She grinned. “I like to call them by their titles. Imagine Dr. Taylor and Dr. Chalmers. No one around these parts would ever have thought that day would come.”

“They must be fairly new doctors, they don’t look very old.”

“Oh don’t let those baby faces fool you. They are both almost thirty and each of them holds two separate degrees. They’re not only doctors, they’re right smart ones.” She bragged. “They plan on writing a book this summer, or that’s what they tell me. I’m hoping that they just settle down somewhere for a minute or two. Daphne is writing the book and Justin is illustrating it. It’s for children who have been abused, something to help them cope. It will be their third book.” She looked a bit flustered, “I’m sorry Brian for rattling on like this, you must be tired. Why don’t you drive on to the cabin? Henry has everything ready for you including all the wood you’ll need for the fireplace and the stove.”

“Fireplace, stove?” Brian looked stricken.
Hilda burst out laughing, “Oh there are plenty of modern appliances Brian. The fireplace and the stove are just for when you want to be completely one with nature.” She laughed again. “That Gardner is always wanting them lit.”

“Maybe his head gets cold.” Brian muttered as he climbed into his car. He waved and then followed the map as he drove slowly down a dirt road. The same road where two young doctors had ridden a few minutes before.

It wasn’t long before Brian found the cabin built from logs, an elaborate and modern version of days gone by. And sure enough it had a wide plank door painted purple. It also had a hot tub on a deep deck that overlooked the lake. Brian was glad of the flashlight that had been on top of the box of supplies. Never before had he realized just how dark it was outside of the city limits. Stumbling onto the porch with the box of supplies in his arms and the flashlight tucked under his chin, Brian fumbled to put the key into the key hole, dropping it twice before he managed to open the door. Cursing he pushed his way in already regretting his earlier cheerful thoughts.

Sure he could hear laughter in the darkness, Brian peered outside, but he couldn’t see anything other than a wall of trees and the moonlight reflecting in the still water of the lake.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Sitting at the end of an old wooden wharf were the two friends, Justin and Daphne. They were trying to keep their laughter down, because they knew that even though they were across the lake from the Vanguard cabin, sound carried amazingly well across the water. They both had clearly heard Brian’s cursing as he attempted to open the door.

“It must be the guy we saw at Hilda’s” Justin said. “He’s kind of hot in a rumpled, pissed off sort of way.”

“Like you could tell.” 

“I recognize a hot looking guy when I see one. I just don’t choose to play with them.”

“You haven’t been out on a date in so long you probably have forgotten how the whole thing works.”

“Like you should talk Daphne, Miss Ice Queen herself.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“Doing what, I live with you remember, so you can’t tell me your wild stories.” He playfully tickled his friend.

Daphne turned and laid her head in Justin’s lap and looked up into the starry night. “Do you think we’ll ever fall in love?” she asked. 

“With each other? I doubt it.” Justin teased.

“Asshole, I mean with someone who will sweep us off of our feet. I want someone who is just like you only straight.”

“I want someone who is tall dark and handsome who will love and cherish me despite the fact we’re guys.” Justin leaned back(,) his hands on the still warm boards of the wharf supporting his weight.

“While he ride in on a white horse?” Daphne said with a laugh.

“Probably not,” but still it would be nice he thought.

“Horses are hard to keep in the city and imagine how hard they’d be to litter train.”

“In that case, he should perhaps just slip into my life casually, no horses, just him.”

“Life is so complicated Justin.”

“Life’s complications pay us both very well.” Justin said referring to the fact that they shared a psychiatric practice in Pittsburgh as well as having written a couple of best selling books together.

“I’m going inside.” Daphne stood up. “Are you going to come in now?”

“No(.) I think I’ll sit and watch the water for awhile.” He stared across the lake at the well lit cabin that housed the man he’d seen today.

“He’s too far away for you to see him Justin.” Daphne said with a laugh.

“I can dream can’t I?” Justin replied.

“Sweet dreams.” Daphne bent and kissed his cheek. “I’ll see you in the morning; we need four pages if we’re going to meet our deadline.”

“I know, I know.”

Daphne shook her head; Justin was always waiting until the last minute, preferring to spend his time perfecting the illustrations he did as if they were great works of art.

Justin listened to his friend’s footsteps and then the slap of the screen door telling him she was inside. He continued to look across the lake and wonder about the man he’d seen at Hilda’s today.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Brian had quickly unpacked his suitcases and stowed away the few supplies that had been in the cardboard box. Once the lights were on and he’d had a chance to survey what Gardner referred to as a cabin, Brian felt more like he’d be able to last the six weeks he was supposed to stay. Though six weeks without sex wasn’t going to be easy, and it didn’t look like Kissing Bridge was a hot bed of gay night life.

The cabin was luxurious by ‘cabin’ standards. There were three bedrooms, one of which was larger than Brian’s room at his loft in Pittsburgh. Two bathrooms including a tub built for two in the bathroom off of the bedroom Brian was using. ‘Too bad that won’t be used’ Brian thought to himself.

“What are you, some kind of sissy boy?” the hateful words streaked through his mind. And he remembered the scorn in his father’s voice when he’d come into the bathroom to find Brian in a tub of his sister’s bubble bath. He’d only been seven at the time, but he remembered the pain he’d felt when his father’s hand had connected with his face, punctuating the words he’d hurled. Shit, even here the old memories kept intruding. Brian sank to the floor, his back to the wall as he relived the sting of the slap, the hurt of the words over and over. Until, with considerable effort and a wild scream to block out the visions and the sounds in his mind, Brian forced himself to his feet and stumbled out of the room and into the main living area. He reached for the bottle of Beam and poured himself a large drink swallowing it gratefully.

On the other side of the lake Justin’s head had snapped up when he’d heard that single anguished scream floating over the water. Silence followed, Justin was too far away to see in the windows of the cabin across the lake. He was about to get into the canoe tied up to the wharf and go investigate, when he noticed a figure walking out of the cabin and heading for the small dock at the water’s edge. The figure stood silhouetted against the light from the cabin. The red embers from a cigarette glowing every now and then when he took a drag. Justin relaxed. Whatever had happened couldn’t have been important, though the pain in the scream could still be felt by the young blond.

Brian stood at the end of the short dock and looked out on the water of the lake. He knew that there were other cabins nearby, but wasn’t sure how close. The thick growth of trees kept every one separate. He just hoped that the other residents kept to themselves. He didn’t feel like being sociable. Throwing his cigarette butt down into the water, Brian turned and headed back to the cabin. He wasn’t sure if he cared for the feeling of solitude and complete emptiness that the dark night made him feel.

Despite the fact that it was barely ten, Brian decided to go to bed. He was exhausted and was determined not to get into the habit of drinking himself into a stupor each night. That’s all he’d need, to become an alcoholic like his parents. Lying in the large unfamiliar bed, Brian stared up at the ceiling trying to keep his mind blank and hoping he’d fall asleep soon. Eventually, his eyes closed and he let himself fall back into the nothingness of sleep.
The whispering in his mind began as usual right around midnight. It began with his mother’s voice as she chastised him about his room and eventually flowed into his father’s voice berating Brian for whatever slight the man had come up with that day. The memories kept flooding in and Brian tossed and turned, tangling himself in the sheets until finally with a cry of terror on his lips he sat up, his heart beating wildly. 

Shaken, Brian lay back on his sweat soaked pillow while he tried to control his heartbeat. Maybe Jack and Joan were right. Maybe he was a bad person and that’s why he’d never been able to find anyone to love him. Michael didn’t count. Michael had known him since they were kids. Brian wanted someone to love him like lovers in a fairytale romance. To love him unconditionally, hearts and flowers, soft kisses and kind words. The whole Hallmark card routine. He laughed out loud bitterly. ‘Like that was ever going to happen’ he thought. Brian got out of bed and padded out onto the screened porch where he sat down on a swing.

He let himself relax though the lonely ache in his heart was still there and the night terrors of his childhood still lingered in his mind. At first the wetness on his leg startled him until he realized that he, Brian Kinney was crying for what had happened and what he wished could be some day. Unable to stop he sobbed to himself until, laying on the swing, he fell into a dreamless sleep.

Justin, still sitting on the wharf, heard the scream when Brian woke up and not all that long afterward, he heard the man sobbing. Not sure if he was doing the right thing, Justin moved into the canoe and paddled his way to the far side of the lake. The canoe was silent as it glided through the water and by the time Justin had reached the other side, there was no sound of crying. Since he was already there, Justin decided to walk quietly to the cabin and make sure that everything was alright. The moon was full and provided him with enough light to see the naked body of Brian curled up on the long porch swing. Knowing that the dawn would bring a cold dampness to the lake and surrounding area, Justin let himself into the porch. He moved into the familiar cabin, for he’d been there at various functions many time before, and took a warm quilt from a closet. Still being quiet he went out to the handsome man on the swing and gently covered him up before leaving for his own bed across the small lake.

The dawn came and went. The morning sun was warm and cheerful as it shone down into the clearing where the Vanguard cabin stood. By ten o’clock it was warm enough to heat up everything it touched. Squirrels fighting in a tree next to the screened porch were loud enough to penetrate Brian’s sleep and wake him up. At first he clutched the quilt that was over him wrapping it tighter and burying his head in the folds until the pressure of his bladder told Brian that he had to get up now.

Groggy, he sat up, startled when his bed moved. He looked around. He’d fallen asleep on the porch. He barely remembered going out there. Looking around and then out toward the lake, Brian could see lots of early morning activity. Someone was in a rowboat fishing. Another person on the far side was sitting in front of an easel. Children played near the water’s edge on the beach to the left of the cabin. Brian was glad that several hundred yards separated them from him. He stood and with the quilt as his covering walked into the cabin. It was only as he was folding the quilt to put it on the sofa that he realized he’d not had a quilt with him the night before. Puzzled as to how he’d ended up covered, Brian continued on into the bathroom. Maybe he was losing his mind after all he thought. Maybe the combination of booze and overwork was getting to him.

On the other side of the lake Justin was working on one of the illustrations for the book. He liked working outside when the weather cooperated and even though he was on the sandy lakeshore, he was still shaded by a nearby tree. Every now and then he would glance over at the Vanguard cabin and wondered if the man he’d covered up was okay. Part of the reason both Justin and Daphne had become child psychiatrists was because neither of them could stand to see the pain that child abuse caused in both the child and the adult later in life. Justin was specially attuned to those who had suffered as children and he had a feeling that the man he’d seen was one of those.

“Hey Justin, did you remember to put on sunscreen?” Daphne called from the doorway.

“Yes Daffy.”

“Can you go to Hilda’s and pick up the mail today? I’m on a roll here and I don’t want to leave.”

“What mail, no one knows we’re here.”

“Justin, I’ll have you know I had our mail forwarded here for the summer. One of us has to show some responsibility to our patients.”

“I don’t have any more patients, I’ve retired.” Justin protested. And he had effectively retired after his last major case that had involved a child pornography ring that had left both Justin and the victims reeling. Justin, thanks to a generous trust fund didn’t need to work at a regular practice, so instead he had a close relationship with the Pittsburgh police. Justin was called in when it became apparent that his services would be required. He dealt with whatever it was and occasionally referred his interim patients to Daphne or to others in their profession. 

“Yeah, until the next time the cops call.” Daphne said with a laugh.

“Bug off Daffy, I’m busy. I’ll go for your mail in an hour.” Justin turned back to his painting. His best friend laughed and went back to her writing.

Justin let his thoughts evaporate in the heat of the morning sun as he continued to paint. It was only when he paused to stretch that he realized he’d painted the sleeping man on the swing from the night before. He looked at it critically. Not too bad he thought, though he’d have to remove half of the page where he’d been working on his illustration for their book. Deciding he’d keep his painting and not scrap it, Justin carefully packed up his stuff and took it back to their cabin. “Hey Daffy” he called, “I’m leaving.”

“Aren’t you going to shower and change?” she called back from her office.

“No, I don’t think Hilda will even care if I’m covered in sun block and dust.” Justin took his bicycle from the porch and set off down the road. 

Brian had showered and had his morning coffee. He missed his guava juice though and decided to pick it up and a few other things from the small general store. He decided to walk the two miles figuring he could use the exercise and he rather enjoyed the feeling of peace the chattering of squirrels and the tweeting of birds gave him while he walked.

After reaching the small store, Brian was hot and thirsty. The first thing he did was buy a bottle of water and drink it standing in front of the till. “That felt good” he said with a smile to Hilda. “Now I feel like I have the strength to look around.”

“Is there anything in particular you’re looking for Mr. Kinney?” she asked. 

“Brian, not Mr. Kinney, and other than guava juice, no.” 

“Well we don’t have guava juice, but I can get some in for you. Why don’t you take this nice orange juice for now? I’ll have the guava juice in on tomorrow’s order.”

Brian had been standing looking over a pile of leather bound note books. “I’ll take one of these.” He said as he handed a thick one bound in black leather to Hilda. “I wasn’t expecting to see something like this in here.”

“Really, and just why not? People around here like to keep journals. I’ve kept one since I was a small girl. I think if you’re going to keep a journal, keep one that looks good on a book shelf.”

Brian laughed out loud at how indignant she was. “I’m sorry if I offended you Hilda. I love the book. With all those blank pages maybe I’ll start a journal of my own.”

“Well, you’ll have enough time for it. There’s not a lot happening around here. Even when the summer is in full swing, things are tame.”

“What(,) no wild parties in the back room Hilda?” Brian teased. He paid for his purchases and headed for the door only to be bowled over by a coconut smelling blond who had rushed in the door without looking.

“Ooomph” Brian said from his position flat on his back on the floor. He looked up at the person who lay on top of him and was surprised to see the young man, Dr. Taylor from the day before. 

Justin looked down at the man he was laying on and slowly he turned beet red. “Geeze I’m sorry.” He said and scrambled to his feet. He held out a hand to help Brian up and then began dusting Brian’s pants off.

“Woah,” Brian said and jumped away from the ever increasing hand pats. “Steady there Doc You know you need to work on your manners. Running people down isn’t a great way to meet people.”

Justin looked up at laughing hazel eyes. “Sorry” he said and blushed again. “I mean I wasn’t expecting anyone in here, there’s no car out front.”

“I walked. If you like I’ll bring a sign next time and hang it outside.”

“No, that’s okay.” Justin was flustered. He felt like a two year old. He looked helplessly at Hilda who was laughing quietly behind the counter.

“Justin I’d like you to meet Brian Kinney. Brian this is Dr. Justin Taylor.” Hilda introduced the two formally.

“Justin, not Dr. Justin Taylor.” Justin mumbled. 

“Whatever Doc.” Brian grinned down at the flustered young man, though at twenty nine he was only a year younger than Brian. “Love your cologne, something about it makes me hungry, hmmmm, it must be that essence of coconut.”

“Asshole” Justin muttered under his breath. “It’s sunscreen, I burn”

“Well, nice to know. Bye Hilda I’ll see you tomorrow.” He smiled at the older woman before turning to Justin. “Interesting if painful meeting you too Doc.” And Brian turned and walked out the door forgetting his bag with the juice and the notebook.

Brian was almost to the cottage when he realized he didn’t have his purchases. “Shit” he thought, he was acting as bad as the blushing doctor. Brian shrugged and continued to walk. 

“Hey Brian,” Justin said as he wheeled up on his bicycle beside Brian. “I have your bag.” He stopped and handed Brian the rather rumpled bag. “Sorry again about knocking you over.”

“You’re forgiven, after all you’re young.” Brian smirked.

“I’m twenty nine.” Justin resisted the urge to say ‘and a half’ not wanting to sound like a school kid.

“I’m thirty, so you’re younger than me.” Brian laughed. “Why do I want to say ‘and so there and maybe stick out my tongue’?

“I don’t know, maybe because you’re a kid at heart.” Justin answered.

“There isn’t a chance in hell I’d want to be a kid again.” Brian shuddered visibly. “Not a chance in hell” he repeated.

“So your childhood wasn’t all sunshine and roses eh?” Justin asked.

“Don’t bother to analyze me Doc, been there done that and bought the fucking tee shirt.” Brian’s voice was bitter. “It was a waste of time and money.”

“You should have changed psychiatrists then.”

“Change the subject Doc. I don’t know you well enough to get into my personal history.”

“Hey Hilda said you bought a notebook”

“Isn’t there such a thing as privacy around here?” 

“Not really,” Justin grinned at him. “Are you going to start a journal or continue an old one?”

“I’m going to use it to write grocery lists.” 

“It’s just that I found that often if you write things down, it acts kind of like a catharsis and helps you deal with life’s problems.”

“Yes, well now that you’ve shared that little bit of professional information I think I’ll be moving right along. Thanks for bringing me my bag.” Brian turned and continued to walk to his cabin. 

Justin stood and watched him walk away. Brian Kinney was an interesting man he thought. Too bad he isn’t gay.

Brian walked slowly down the road. He could feel Justin’s eyes on him. The thought of the firm bodied blond as he lay on top of him smelling of sunscreen, was making Brian’s cock hard. He didn’t want to take the time to adjust it lest Justin know why he was doing it. Instead Brian continued to walk, hoping to hear Justin’s bicycle tires leave. Damn, too bad he was straight and married to that cute little grand daughter of Hilda’s.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Justin whistled as he rode back to his cabin with the mail. The few weeks he’d be here with Daphne could prove interesting. Brian Kinney might not be gay, but he was damn easy to look at. Certainly better than the usual executives that borrowed the Vanguard cabin. 

Daphne ran out when he arrived. “Well, what’s he like?” 

Justin looked confused. “Who?” he asked.

“Brian Kinney, that’s who, granny just called.” Daphne looked excited. “She said you took his bag of stuff to him.”

“It was no big deal Daphne. I handed him his stuff. We talked for a few minutes and I left.”

“So is he as hot as granny H said?”

“He’s hot.” Justin admitted. “But I think he’s got lots of issues, stuff he doesn’t want to deal with.”

“You can tell this from handing him a bag of stuff? Or was it when you were lying on him on the floor?” Daphne had to laugh at the look on Justin’s face. “Granny H told me everything. About how you were so hot for this guy you threw him right down on the floor.”

“It didn’t happen like that and you know it.” Justin glared at his friend. “He isn’t even gay and I’m not out to be some straight guys experiment on the wild side.”

Daphne burst out laughing, “He is sooooo gay. And you are sooooo not wild.” 

“You don’t know that and you know what I mean.”

“I’ll bet you anything you want that he’s gay.”

“I’ll take that bet. If he’s gay you get top billing on this book. If he isn’t I get top billing.”

“Always want to be the top.” Daphne laughed. “Enjoy it while you can bottom boy, because Brian Kinney is gay.”

“So says ‘Miss I can’t find a date of my own’ Chanders.” Justin 

“I can find plenty of dates. I’m just not interested at the moment.” Daphne looked across the lake. “Look there’s your hunky ‘straight’ guy now. The two of them watched Brian spread a towel on the wooden planks of the dock and then lay down on his belly.

“He’s going to get burnt to a crisp, it’s noon and I don’t see him putting on any sunscreen.” Daphne observed. “You should go over and share yours with him.”

“Sure, I’ll tell him I happened to be swimming by and noticed he was turning red and would he mind if I rubbed sun block into his back?”

“That would work.” Daphne agreed.

“Well I suppose I could swim across the lake. I haven’t really had any exercise today.” Justin’s eyes continued to drink in Brian’s form across the small lake.

“Go get him tiger.” Daphne ran into the house with the mail. 

Justin looked around and thought about swimming to Brian. He wondered if Brian would think he was weird or if he’d accept that it was a daily form of exercise. The strength of the hot sun persuaded Justin. He quickly peeled off his clothes and dove in the lake. He never wore trunks because he never got out of the water anywhere other than at his own wharf and there was only Daphne to see him. Justin never even thought about what he’d do on the other side landing there naked.

Brian’s head went up just as Justin dove off of the end of his dock. The trim paleness of the blond’s body unmarred by a suit made Brian smile and wonder what Justin was up to.
He watched as Justin surfaced and then began a slow and steady stroke that appeared to be taking him directly toward Brian. Shaking his head Brian stood up and headed for the cabin where he returned with a bottle of sun block and an extra towel. When Justin was a hundred yards from him, Brian slipped into the water and began to swim in a course that would intercept the blond. It was tough not to smile while he swam. 

Pausing for a moment he noticed Justin was only a few feet away. So Brian stopped treading water and waited for the inevitable. “Shriek!” sputtering and gasping Justin finally got control of himself.

“Say Doc, you scream like a girl.” Brian drawled tongue in cheek. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Brian you have a whole lake to swim in. Why did you let me swim into you?” Justin managed to say.

“I didn’t know there were traffic rules out in the water. I must have missed that in the handbook of water etiquette that came with the cabin.” Brian rolled over and floated on his back. “Don’t let me stop you. Continue with your swim.”

“I don’t feel like it now.” Justin said. “Hey you look a bit burnt. I bet you didn’t use sunscreen.”

“Actually, I do have sunscreen on. Unlike you I have waterproof sunscreen on. Your nose is turning red.”

“It is not.”

“Well, believe me or not. I’m not the one whose nose is going to be peeling like a banana tomorrow or the next day. If you’re a good little Doc, I’ll share mine with you. I even have a towel over there I could let you borrow. I do believe you forgot your swim trunks.”

Realizing that his original plan was not going to work and that somehow Brian had gotten the best of him, Justin decided to head back for his own side of the lake. “Much as I’d love to join you Brian, I do have a book to write. Maybe another time. Justin turned around and headed back the way he’d come. Brian watched the blond retreating. He debated whether or not to catch up with him, but decided that he’d played with the younger man enough today. That would teach Justin to try and make Brian his experiment on the wild side. Straight guys never learn’ Brian thought and shook his head before rolling over and heading back for his sunshine on the dock.

Daphne was waiting for Justin. She handed him a towel and laughingly said. “That went well.” Before running back into the cabin.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Brian spent the afternoon alternating between lying in the sun and sitting in the shade with a book. He found himself more restless than he had been in a long time. And he didn’t know whether it was because he wasn’t at the office or at the beck and call of the gang or whether it was the piercing blue eyes of the blond across the lake. Cripes, he’d never be able to smell coconut again without getting a hard on.

Finally Brian decided to go in and shower. He’d make himself a light supper and maybe watch a bit of television. He looked at the bottle of Beam but decided he didn’t want to get into that habit. In fact he’d like to break the habit of resorting to an alcoholic haze to keep his memories at bay. 

Supper was a can of soup and two pieces of unbuttered toast. Brian allowed himself a glass of red wine, grinning in spite of himself at the foolishness of trying to decide what wine would go best with a can of vegetable soup.

After his dinner he sat down at the small writing desk in the corner of the main room and opened up his new book. He held it in his hands enjoying the firmness of it and the smell of the leather cover. Even when he’d been a child, a new book had always held a certain mystery and intrigue for him. He used to almost hold his breath hoping that of the few new textbooks that appeared in the classrooms each year, one or two would end up as his. Instead of the beaten up old ones of years gone by.

In this age of computerization, Brian had gotten out of the habit of writing. He preferred to work on his computer. It was faster and more efficient. But for something like a journal, writing it down just seemed somehow the right thing to do.

He opened up the cover of the book and stared at the blank page in front of him. Resisting the urge to write his name on the first page as if he was in school, Brian wrote the date and then.

Page 1
Yesterday I met a man I could love. Today when I saw him I was sure. Though regretfully he’s married and living not far from where I’m staying. His young wife is someone he’s known most of his life. I have to ask myself if I’ve fallen for this blue eyed blond because I know he’s unobtainable and therefor safe for me to love. I never will have to know the hurt of rejection from him. Or have him break my heart when he leaves me. Because he’ll never be mine. I used to think all the stories about love at first sight was propaganda spread about by romance novelists. Yet I felt something for this man the moment I laid eyes on him. Justin Taylor, Doctor Justin Taylor. Mother would be so proud having a doctor in the family. Or would we go to hell together? I guess that’s a question that there is no answer for.

Last night I had that same dream again. It starts with the whispering, the never ending fucking whispering, Joannie and Jack, whispering about me, their voices cutting into me like knives. And when Jack breaks into my room and finds me no matter where I hide I wake up screaming, terrified. As terrified as I once was. It’s as if I’m living it all over again, like I’ll never get away from the son of a bitch. Yet he’s dead, I watched them put him into the ground and watched the dirt shoveled back on top of him. And now I see him night after night after night until I think I’m going insane.

I fell asleep out on the veranda last night after my episode with Jack and Joannie and their insidious whispering. For some reason I felt safe out on the veranda, though it makes no sense to feel that way on a porch with the thinnest of screening between me and the rest of the world. I woke up covered with a quilt after having slept longer and better than I have in months. It was if the quilt had somehow protected me from the Kinney evil spirits. 

Now I’m wondering if I should sleep on the veranda once again or chance the bedroom. 

^^^^

Brian put his pen down and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He looked at what he’d written and then shut the book tight as if putting the foolishness of some of his words behind him. It was almost eleven, he wasn’t particularly tired so he grabbed a cold beer and wandered out and down to the water’s edge. Silhouetted against the white light of the moon was a solitary canoe. Who ever was in it was leisurely paddling across the lake.

“Hey Brian, want to see some cool stuff?” Justin asked when he was a few yards away.

“Cool stuff Doc?” Brian huffed a laugh. “Yeah man, I can’t wait” teasing Justin about his choice of words.

“Don’t be a smart ass. Have you ever ridden in a canoe before?”

“That would be a big no.” Brian peered into the darkness, he could barely make out Justin now that he was close.

“I’ll pull up to the beach; it’ll be easier for you to step in. Step in and sit down. I’ll do the paddling.”

“I can’t see a god damn thing.” Brian complained.

“Don’t be such a baby, just get in.” Justin had moved alongside Brian. Brian stepped in and the canoe rocked sharply threatening to overturn. “Sit down Brian or get wet.”

“I’m sitting. I can’t believe I’m sitting in a damn canoe when it’s almost midnight.” Brian could see Justin better now that he was in the canoe. In fact the moonlight was surprisingly bright now that his eyes were used to it.

“I’m going to take you to the head of the lake, there’s something there that you may enjoy.”

“Hot naked men?” Brian asked hopefully.

“Oh, you like men do you?” Justin sounded disappointed. He’d lost the bet to Daphne.

“Don’t sound so disappointed.” Brian teased. “Did you think we’d have some kind of hetero bonding thing happening here this summer?”

“I’m not disappointed. I like men myself.”

“Doesn’t that bother your wife?”

“What wife?” Justin was puzzled.

“The cute little grand daughter of Hilda.”

“Daffy’s not my wife, she’s my best friend.” Justin laughed quietly. “She said you were gay and I said you weren’t and we bet and I’ve lost. That’s why I might have sounded disappointed.

“You thought I was straight? Don’t you have any gaydar?”

“Sure, but I guess it wasn’t working.” Justin had maneuvered the two of them into a quiet inlet. “Now look over there at that bank.” He pointed with the paddle. In the moonlight Brian could see a family of otters playing in the shallows. Their fur glistened in the moonlight as they took turns floating on their backs. “The babies are eight weeks old. Aren’t they cute?”

“I suppose.” Brian patting the pockets of his shirt for a cigarette and coming up empty. “I don’t suppose you have a smoke on you?” he asked.

“Hardly. Besides, smoking is bad for your health.” Justin said. “I’ve seem some pretty gruesome looking lungs when I was doing my residency.”

“Yeah, well I haven’t and I could use a smoke.”

Justin was paddling the canoe back toward Brian’s wharf. “Don’t you just love it out here at night? The water lapping at the beach and the trees whispering with the wind.”

“I’ve heard enough god damn whispering to last me a lifetime. I sure don’t need to hear anymore.” Brian gave an involuntary shudder. “Can you paddle any faster Doc? I need to get inside where I don’t have to listen to Mother Nature.”

Brian was barely holding himself together. For some reason the whispering of the tall pines was breaking through his hard won barriers. He could feel himself break into a cold sweat and he hoped Justin wouldn’t notice his agitation. What had begun as a rather interesting interlude was turning into a nightmare for Brian. Brian tried to make himself smaller in the canoe as if that would stop the sounds from reaching him. Finally in desperation he held his hands to his ears not caring what Justin thought. Justin was far from his mind as the penetrating words of Jack Kinney began to seep in around his tightly clasped ears. 

Justin looked at Brian worried about what he was seeing. The man was completely melting down. The self assured handsome man who had nonchalantly climbed into the canoe was now a mass of nerves.

The canoe hit the beach and Justin jumped out and pulled up as far as he could before going back for Brian who was now staring into the darkness with terrified eyes. Brian was looking into his past, the present shoved aside.

“Brian,” Justin’s voice was soothing. “Come into the house with me.” 

Brian pulled away from Justin. But the young blond persisted. He reached out and began to comb his fingers through Brian’s hair in an effort to ground him and calm the man enough to get him to walk to the cabin. Slowly, gradually, Brian’s shaking subsided to a manageable level and he leaned into Justin’s comforting hand. Reaching down, Justin clasped Brian’s hand and pulled it gently toward him. “Let’s get out of the canoe now Brian.” He said calmly. 

Brian looking at him, his eyes still reflecting the unseen terror, but with a glimmer of hope, let himself stand and be led out of the canoe. Wrapping his arm around Brian’s waist, Justin walked the other man toward the big cabin and inside where he sat him down on the sofa. 

Brian pulled his legs up and huddled in the corner of the sofa, his arms wrapped around his legs. He looked around not sure what was happening to him. Suddenly the face of his father was in front of him screaming at him for not picking up his toy. Then his mother was there adding her screams to Jack’s. Brian shut his eyes to block them out only to find that they both were still there inside him only now they were whispering. Whispering to each other about him. Whispering about why they’d allowed him to be born. He felt the sharp sting of his mother’s hand across his face. The burn of Jack’s cigarette on his wrist. Brian pulled pack even further into the corner of the sofa, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, mewling sounds coming from his deep inside him.

Justin called Daphne. “Daphne, bring your bag and come over to Brian’s right away. He’s having some kind of psychotic melt down. I’m not sure what the trigger was.”

Daphne could hear the urgency in Justin’s voice and rather than question him, she gathered herself and her medical bag and raced out of the cabin.

Justin found the quilt he’d placed on Brian the night before. Carefully he wrapped it around him and the sat down beside Brian and slowly and gently pulled him close(,) all the while talking soothing nonsense to calm him down. Justin could tell by the tenseness of Brian’s body that he was barely responding. It seemed like hours passed before Daphne walked through the door, though it was barely ten minutes.

“Geeze Justin, what happened?” Daphne asked as she prepared a tranquilizing shot. 

“I’m not sure what the trigger was. But I know that he has to calm down before we can help him.”

“I’ll give him this shot.”

“Just do it. I’m going to spend the night. If he’ll talk to you, will you see him professionally?”

“What about you?”

“I’m too involved with him. It wouldn’t be ethical.”

“You barely know him.”

“I know that I have feelings for him already. I need you to do this for me Daphne.”

“You know I’ll do anything for you Jus.” She said as she finished up giving Brian his shot. “Let’s try and get him to his bed. He’ll be out of it soon and he looks too heavy for us to move.”

Between the two of them, they managed to get Brian to the bedroom. Daphne left for home while Justin undressed the taller man and helped him into bed. He was about to leave when Brian’s hand shot out from the covers. “Please, don’t leave me alone with them.” The words were less than a whisper but Justin heard them.

That was enough for the tenderhearted blond. He lay on top of the covers next to Brian. Brian was quiet for a moment and then moved so that his head was on Justin’s chest and Justin cradled him close. To Justin the whispering of the pine trees outside the window was lulling him to sleep. To Brian the same sound was terrifying and only the sound of Justin’s heartbeat could drown out the sound.

tbc