Sonny Boy - 1 - Notes: Misty is 100% responsible for this AU – kisses and hugs to Misty Warning: character death ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Linds I’m sorry, I am really, really sorry.” Tears rolled down Brian’s young face and they mixed with the tears on Lindsay’s cheeks. Brian held his friend close in the confines of the old beat up car. They were parked in front of Lindsay’s dorm. A crash of thunder shook the car and the windows rattled with the sudden downpour that had been threatening all afternoon. “But Brian – please – for the baby’s sake.” Lindsay sobbed. “You know why – it makes no sense – I’m gay and I can’t pretend to be something I’m not.” He began. “It didn’t stop you two months ago. I didn’t notice you stopping when you dick got hard and you needed a place to stick it.” Lindsay sounded bitter through her tears. “And now I’m pregnant and it’s all your fault.” “It wasn’t like that Linds, you know it. We had too much weed and it just seemed somehow the thing to do at the time. How was I to know the fucking rubber would break?” Brian continued to rub her arms with a comforting touch. “I’ll mention that when the baby asks about its father.” Lindsay sobbed. “You can’t have it; you’re too young to be saddled with a kid. I’ll find some money somewhere and we can go to a clinic.” Brian winced when he said this – echoes of his own father’s words came back to haunt him. ‘I wanted you to get a fucking abortion’ screamed during the many arguments involving Brian when he was a child. Brian regretted the words the minute they were out of his mouth. He looked at Lindsay ashamed. “I’m sorry Linds – I didn’t mean it.” He sighed. “I’ll help you no matter what you decide, but I can’t marry you and I can’t be part of this kid’s life.” He turned away from the bundle of blonde misery in his arms. “Look what happened right off the bat – I start spouting off like my old man.” A sob escaped from somewhere deep inside. “I can’t do that to any kid – it’ll be better off not knowing that I’m its father.” “That isn’t true Brian; you have a good and kind heart. You’d make a terrific father.” Lindsay began. “Stop Linds – it’ll never happen – you know it wouldn’t work between us. It was a one time thing – I’m gay and so are you” Brian looked up at the swirling grey clouds that continued to release large fat drops of rain. “I’ve got two more years of University – I’ll double up on some of my courses – I can probably graduate early. Marty Ryder of the Ryder Agency hired me yesterday for an internship and if I don’t fuck up – I can pretty much guarantee I’ll be hired full time as soon as I get my diploma. It won’t be much, but I can help you a bit with money.” “I don’t need your money right now. I’m going to finish out this year and then head home to Pittsburgh. I’ll live with my parents until the baby is born and if that doesn’t work out – I’ll use my grandmother’s trust fund to get a place on my own. There’s enough money there to keep the two of us until I can find some work.” Lindsay moved away from Brian and dried her tears on a tissue she found in her pocket. “Don’t worry about us Brian – I’m a WASP – remember – I have more than enough prospects and possibilities. The fact that I come with a child will be overlooked by my mother’s country club set – at least to my face – it’ll give them something to talk about over luncheon. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 7 Months Later Brian stood in the sterile hallway – the maternity wing of Pittsburgh General was alive with activity though it was still only six in the morning. He stared in the window at the row of clear plastic bassinettes – surrounded by babies wrapped in pink blankets was his son – Gus Peterson – his son would never know his own father – never have to put up with the kind of abuse that he had during his childhood. He looked at the small face, memorizing every tiny inch – “Sorry Gus – I can’t take the chance – I can’t be a father to you the way I want to be” --- and he did – Brian realized as soon as he saw the small boy – he desperately wanted to be a father to Gus and do all the things with him that his father never did – “I’ll always be there though – keeping you safe from a distance.” Brian wiped away a tear – “I love you Sonny Boy.” Brian whispered the last words and then turned and walked to the door leading to the stairs. He opened it quietly and slipped through. Lindsay had been standing in the doorway to her room, she’d been about to go and look at her baby when she’d seen Brian standing there. How he’d found out about Gus being born, she had no idea. Watching the tall proud young man looking at his son for the first time, and listening to his words, though spoken softly, she still had heard them – had made her realize that she’d done the right thing in keeping his secret. He loved his son and that’s all that mattered. She would see to it that as Gus grew up he’d know that his father loved him. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Miss Peterson – are you sure about this?” the young lawyer looked at the tall blonde and then at the bundle in blue that she held. “If the father hasn’t contacted you by now – I really don’t think this is wise. Perhaps your parents would be more suitable – or perhaps a sister or brother, or a close friend. “Miss Marcus, my sister is a fool, I don’t have any brothers, my parents can barely tolerate their own children and we’re grown up. No I think that Gus’ father should be named guardian should anything ever happen to me.” “You can always change your will when you find yourself a good man.” Melanie Markus said brightly, though the thought of this gorgeous woman with a man was a crying shame. “It isn’t likely that I’ll find a man – now if the right woman should wander by – perhaps – Lindsay said looking directly at Melanie Marcus and smiling. “Oh – but I thought.” Melanie began. “Gus was a surprise from an evening with a dear friend, too much weed, and too many romance novels.” She laughed, resigned now to her life. “Brian would make a wonderful father to Gus should anything happen to me. He make a wonderful father now, but he’s too damn stubborn to realize it.” “I suppose he’s older?” Melanie was fishing for information. “No, Brian is about my age, I’m twenty one. He’s finishing up his MBA and then he’ll be working in advertising. He’s not only brilliant, but he’s handsome and can charm the pants off of anyone.” She laughed. “I guess you can tell that.” She nodded at Gus. “Oh, and he’s gay.” “In the closet is he?” “No he’s out but he doesn’t feel the need to advertise that fact, he also doesn’t hide it either.” Lindsay laughed. “Neither to I.” Lindsay bent awkwardly over the desk and signed the papers. “Now that we have business out of the way, could I invite you for coffee?” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Justin you’re a doll – I really appreciate you watching Gus for me on such short notice.” Lindsay was rushing around trying to get ready for her first date with Melanie Markus. She smiled at her young friend in pleasure. At seventeen he was only four years younger than she was – but she sometimes thought he was a dozen years older mentally than her or any of their friends. “Hey, it’s not every day my favorite sketching teacher finds herself a hot chick.” Justin teased. “And a lawyer at that – won’t mommy be proud.” “Unfortunately Melanie lacks that one attribute in a lawyer that mommy likes – so I’m thinking that I’ll keep Melanie ‘our little secret’ for now.” Lindsay said as she put on her lipstick. “What’s that?” asked Justin with a grin. They both said at the same time. “BALLS” and started to giggle. “I don’t know Linds. Melanie Markus won the Jenkins case – it was in all the papers – I think she has plenty of balls – of course a cock would be nice.” He grinned and ducked when Lindsay threw a pillow at him. “Behave yourself around Gus.” She admonished with a smile. “If you do decide to take him out – don’t forget the diaper bag – I keep it ready for anything – oh and there’s extra bottles of formula in the fridge.” “I have to meet my friend Emmett at the diner – I promised to lend him a couple of CD’s so the Gus man and I’ll be going for a walk – too bad he’s too young to eat fries – I love the fries at the diner.” “I think at six weeks old – fries are definitely not on the menu.” She wondered fleetingly if Brian would be at the diner. Probably not, it was after all a weekday, she’d been lucky that Justin had a half day off at school today. “I won’t stay out with him long – he’s kind of little – but the walk will be nice. I’m going to wear the snuggly, that way I can kiss his fuzzy head.” Justin slumped on the sofa in Lindsay’s new apartment. “Don’t you just love the way his head feels when you kiss it – and that baby smell – makes me wish I could have one” he grinned again at Lindsay ‘NOT” he said – “I’ll borrow Gus when every these maternal urges surface – I’m going for the butch gay boy look – not the queeny Emmett gay boy look.” “Justin” Lindsay’s voice was quiet “What if Brian is there?” “If he is – too bad – are you sure that you only have the one picture of him?” Justin looked at the small framed print that stood on the table beside him. “I mean – this could be a picture of anybody the way the sun kind of shines off of his face making it blur.” He laughed as he held the picture and looked at it intently. “Brian could be sitting on my lap and I wouldn’t know it was him. – So really – what’s to worry about.” “You’d know him” Lindsay said with the passion of memories still strong. “He’s tall, almost six four, he has hair with chestnut and gold highlights, the most amazing hazel eyes, I think Gus is going to look a lot like him.” The both looked at the sleeping infant, who looked pretty much the same as any other six week old baby as far as Justin could tell. “Really” Justin said “Well, he has a way to go before you could even say he was half way handsome.” He cocked his head studying the baby critically. “Justin.” Lindsay exclaimed. “Hey, he’s a cute baby – but Linds – he’s just a baby.” Justin leaned over and kissed the small nose that wrinkled under the touch of his lips. “I love him to bits – homely as he is.” He turned his smile toward Lindsay to let her know he was teasing. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ An hour later Justin walked into the Liberty Diner. He had Gus in the snuggly sling in front of him, and carried the brightly hued diaper bag. “Hey Sunshine” Debbie called “I though you’d decided to be a butch gay boy.” She laughed. “You better stop getting tips from Emmett, ‘cause boy they aren’t working.” Justin flipped her the bird. “Be a nice fag hag or I won’t let you kiss Gus.” Justin smiled at her. He didn’t notice the sudden raising of Brian Kinney’s head. Brian had been sitting in the rear booth with Michael, Ted and Emmett on a rare afternoon off. Debbie walked over and bent and kissed the baby’s fuzzy head. “He is just the sweetest thing, he kind of reminds me of someone.” She said thoughtfully. “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, eh little Gussy.” “Don’t call him Gussy” Brian growled from his corner. Everyone looked at him astonished. He’d never usually paid any attention to Debbie’s antics unless he was forced too. Brian realized his error right away. “The kid will hate it when he gets older isn’t that right Mikey?” Michael winced, only Brian still called him that and he hated it – but from Brian it had always seemed kind of like an affectionate nickname. “Trust me, he’ll hate it.” Michael agreed. Justin beamed at all of them. “Hey Emmett, I brought you those CD’s. They’re in the diaper bag. Justin walked over to the table and reached inside the diaper bag, pulling out first his sketch book and then the CD’s. He handed the CD’s over to Emmett. You can keep them, I have duplicates. He looked at his sketch book as it moved across the table. “So you’re an artist kid?” the tall young man in the corner asked. “Yeah I am buddy, I’m not that much younger than you, so drop the ‘kid’ and you can hand back my sketch book. It’s private.” “I just want to look, I’ve always wondered what gay boys liked to draw.” Brian drawled as he paged through the book. He stopped at a picture that Justin had drawn of Gus. “You’re pretty good kid.” He looked from the sketch to the baby sleeping peacefully in the green corduroy sling. “Of course one baby pretty much looks the same as the next one.” “That’s not true.” Justin protested, though he thought the same thing himself. Justin didn’t need Michael’s mumbled ‘Brian’ to realize that this was Gus’ father he was talking to. Taking a big chance, Justin carefully unzipped the baby sling and gently took the warm sleeping baby out of it. He held him out to Brian. “Here take a look, Gus looks just like his father, or so his mother says.” Brian, his eyes big with wonder, and not caring if anyone noticed, took the baby from Justin. He held him in his arms and then kissed the warm forehead marveling at the feel of his skin, how perfect and smooth it was. Gus blinked once then opened his eyes – hazel eyes that mirrored the ones looking down at him – stared up at his father – a gummy smile of recognition slowly eased across the baby’s face and Brian blinked rapidly using all his self control to hide the tears that formed behind his eyelids. Gus wiggled and Brian, afraid he was going to drop his son quickly handed him back to Justin. “Thanks kid’ he murmured. “No problem” Justin said and he stuffed Gus back into his sling, gathered his sketch book and headed back out. “Sorry I can’t stay Deb – but I promised Linds that Gus’ first trip to Liberty Ave would be a short one.” “Take some lemon bars back with you Sunshine. You’ll need the sugar high if you’re babysitting tonight. I hear Linds has a date.” “The queer grapevine is working well.” Justin replied as he took his bag with the lemon bars. “It’s a first date and you know those can be hell.” “Speaks the voice of experience” Michael said and he laughed. “Hey, I’ve been out on a date Mikey” Justin said. Unlike you, I do have a life.” With a toss of his head and a wiggle of his butt, Justin left the diner to good natured laughter. Justin smiled to himself, Brian Kinney had held his son – how cool was that. He put his foot on the bumper of a car in order to tie a shoe lace. He noticed a parking permission sticker from the University on the window of the old car. It had to be Brian’s he thought. Justin looked around and seeing no one looking at him he opened the door, a book on the passenger seat had Brian’s name penciled neatly on the inside page. Justin took out his sketch book and tore out the picture of Gus and left it sitting on the front seat, before carefully shutting the door and walking jauntily back to Lindsay’s apartment. Gus fell back to sleep, lulled by the cozy comfort of the snuggly sling and Justin’s cheerful humming. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Two years later Justin paced the sidewalk in front of the GLB Center. Lindsay had convinced him to donate five of his best sketches and he was terrified to hear what was being said about them. He nervously fingered an unlit cigarette wishing in the worst way that it was a joint. As a second year student at PIFA, he was used to having his work on display, but somehow, here at the center it was more personal, especially the self portrait he’d done. It had been completed for a class, and he’d received the highest grade, so he knew it was technically great, but somehow having himself on view, naked for the fags of the Pitts, hadn’t been his plan when he’d done it. He should never have let Lindsay select the pictures for the exhibit. “Da Jus, Da Jus” a small boy called. Lindsay laughed as Gus, released from the hold she’d had on his hand, ran as fast as his two year old legs could carry him toward his favorite man. “Hey, Gus man, how’s it going?” Justin asked and he swung the boy up in his arms and gave him a kiss. “This is a surprise, mommy didn’t tell me you were coming.” “See Da Jus pictures.” Gus announced. “Lots and lots of pictures Gus” Justin agreed. “Hey Linds, where’s the little woman?” “Geeze Justin, don’t let her hear you call her that, you know she hates it.” Lindsay grinned. “As the resident ‘manly man’, I think I have some rights.” Justin teased. “Hey Gus, show mommy your muscles” he asked the little boy, they’d been watching wrestling the other day and Gus now liked to make a muscle like the guys on the television. Gus made a gesture with his arm. “See muscle mommy.” He grinned at her. Lindsay laughed. Justin put Gus down and holding one hand, Lindsay the other, the three of them went inside the center. Brian threw down the cigarette he’d been smoking in the doorway of the building across the street. A pain deep inside him that never seemed to go away and intensified every time he saw his son and Justin together. The boy was the only father figure that Gus had and Brian felt an unreasonable stab of jealousy. He tossed his long auburn hair off of his forehead, head high, shoulder back, and dressed from top to bottom in black. Brian strutted into the center. He grabbed a glass of wine from a passing waiter and began to circulate the room keeping well away from the group that included Justin and Gus and Lindsay. When he came to the section that held the work of Justin Taylor, it was like someone had punched him in the gut. Every ounce of strength he’d ever had kept him upright as he stared at the picture of him in the diner holding his son for the first time. There was no mistaking the look of love on his face as he memorized his son’s small face. The artist had caught every nuance with expert strokes and Brian felt humbled by the small slice of his life that was up on display. Beside it was a larger sketch of a naked Justin, he stood in front of an easel, in all of his slender blond splendor, painting – the painting showed another naked Justin painting and so on into what only could be imagined as infinity and Brian chuckled at the thought that had gone into the self portrait. It showed the innate sense of humor the artist had. Brian quickly walked over to the small table that acted as the purchase table and quickly arranged to buy the two pictures providing he could remain anonymous. Justin and the rest of them had reached the display when the clerk walked over and placed two small red dots on the pictures indicating they were sold. Brian ducked behind a convenient pillar when Justin and Lindsay looked around the room to see who had purchased the two sketches. He stood there drinking his wine when Gus approached him. Brian looked down at the small boy and smiled. “Hi, you look lost, are you lost?” he asked. “No” Gus continued to stare at him, his eyes locked on Brian’s, his stance identical to the man in front of him, anyone who cared to look would be able to see it. “You should go find your mommy.” Brian suggested, though he wanted to pull the child to him and hold on and never let go. “Daddy?” Gus asked. Justin came into view. He’d heard Gus. “Hey, Gus man, remember what mommy and I told you. No talking to strangers.” Justin picked him up. “Sorry, but Gus thinks every tall man with hair like yours is his daddy. It’s a stage he’s going through.” He looked at Brian. “Hey, I haven’t seen you around in awhile, I’m Justin Taylor and this is Gus Peterson, he’s changed a bit since you saw him last.” “He has indeed.” Brian said. “Daddy, bear?” Gus asked. “Someone left a bear dressed in leather for Gus when he was pretty little. The gift tag was missing, so we told him his daddy left it for him. It was a stupid thing to tell him, because he’s sure that he’ll find his daddy any moment. But Linds has this thing about Gus’ daddy. She wants him to know that his daddy loves him very much. He might not be around right now, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t loved. Isn’t that right Gus?” Justin asked. “Daddy loves his Gus, he just can’t tell you yet.” “Yes Sonny Boy,” Brian said to the small boy in Justin’s arms. “Your daddy loves you more than life itself, don’t you ever forget that.” Gus held his arms out to Brian and lurched out of Justin’s arms in the way that small wiggly boys have. “Daddy kiss Gus.” The boy demanded. Brian’s anguished eyes looked into Justin’s and saw that the blue eyes were filled with compassion and knowledge of who he really was. “Go ahead Brian, kiss him, it’ll make him happy and give him some hope for the future. He’s a very bright little boy.” Brian pressed his lips against his son’s forehead, and then his soft silky auburn curls, he held his hand and kissed each finger, making Gus giggle before handing him back to Justin. Justin could see Brian trying to say something. He tried twice before shaking his head and walking quickly out of the building. As Brian walked to his car, a tear streaked down his cheek, he brushed it away as he remembered vividly the day he’d brought the leather bear to Lindsay’s apartment. He remembered trying desperately to knock on the door but hearing the Justin and Lindsay’s laughter and that of a small child drift out through the door he’d lost his nerve and ripping off the gift tag, he hung the bear on the handle of the door by one of its leather straps. Lindsay watched Brian disappear out the door. “He really is trying Justin.” She said as she took a bewildered Gus from Justin. “I know he is Linds. There are times I’d like to find his parents and beat the crap out of them for doing what they did to him. It isn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to him when he was growing up and it isn’t fair to him and son now. How could they have been such bastards?” Justin’s voice was bitter. “I wonder if it was Brian who bought the picture you did of him and Gus.” Lindsay speculated. “I’m sure it was. I wonder who bought the other one.” “Some old fag who wants something to beat off too.” Michael said as he came up behind Justin and Lindsay. “Hey Gus man, want to go find Auntie Em?” Michael laughed at the small boy whose eyes lit up at the prospect of seeing his colorful friend. “You guys circulate, I’ll take Gus to find Emmett, we promise to stay out of trouble.” “Don’t feed him anything Michael; you don’t have to deal with the results.” Lindsay warned. Michael had fed Gus two chocolate bars the last time they were together and the resulting gastric distress wasn’t pretty a few hours later and this time Gus was in training pants, not diapers. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 3 years later “Of course I’ll come with on your first day.” Justin smiled at the worried look on Gus’ face. “After all it isn’t everyday I get to see my old kindergarten class.” “Justin, you know you don’t have to. You’ve barely started your new job.” Lindsay said. She was folding Gus’ new school clothes. “If they don’t like it – tough shit.” Justin replied. “Da Jus – you swore.” Gus giggled. “Oops, sorry.” Justin looked at Lindsay – “I made it a condition of hire when they first recruited me – and remember they wanted me -- I can take time off for Gus whenever it’s required, no questions asked.” He looked at Gus “So it’s you and me buddy, we’re heading off to school on Monday like the big kids.” “Da Jus, you just take me to my classroom, not inside.” Gus smiled at him. “I’m a big boy now, but it will be nice if you say hi to my teacher.” “That I can do – hope she’s cute.” Justin teased. “Da, she’s a girl, you like boys.” Gus laughed, his Da Jus was always funny. “That’s right, I forgot.” Justin looked at Melanie and Lindsay, “Is it too late to change schools? I hear there’s a hot guy teaching kindergarten on the other side of the city.” “You should be so lucky.” Melanie snorted. “How was your first month at Ryder? Did you run into anyone we know?” her not to subtle way of asking if he’d seen Brian. “I’m afraid the lowly art department flunky and general gofer doesn’t travel in the exalted circles that ‘he who will remain unnamed’ travels in.” Justin joked. “In fact I don’t even work on the same floor.” He looked at his two friends. “Also – in the general guise of the moment – all of us now becoming big boys – do you ladies want to come and spend my inheritance tomorrow? It finally came through and I found a nice loft on Tremont I want to buy. Of course, between the price of the loft and the renovations, I figure I’ll come out with enough to treat us all to a happy meal at the golden arches, but what the heck – I’ll have some place other than your spare room to live.” “We loved having you live here Justin.” Lindsay said. “Sorry, no more easy babysitter – but you’ll like the loft. There’s tons of room for painting and enough room for two decent sized bedrooms, so I thought I’d let Gus pick out some stuff for the extra room. We can have sleep overs when you two love birds want to get frisky. We’ll have a ‘no girls’ allowed rule on the sleep over thing.” He grinned at Gus and held out his hand for a ‘high five’ that Gus complied with. “Wow, my own room at Da Jus’ house” Gus crowed. “It’ll be great.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Can you send someone from the Art Department to my office? I have the boards ready with the changes I want.” Brian spoke into the phone sure of an affirmative answer. “I’m sorry Mr. Kinney; I was just heading out the door. But I can pick them up when I get back.” Justin said. ‘how ironic’ he thought ‘I’m taking the man’s son to school on his first day and who should call as I’m about to leave.’ “Who am I talking too?” Brian barked “I need these boards done now.” “This is Justin Taylor, and I’ve had this time off arranged for some time. A friend of mine starts kindergarten today and I promised him I’d go with him and say hi to his teacher.” Justin sighed. “I’m sorry Mr. Kinney, but I won’t be long, Gus only has two hours of school on his first day. I’m going to wait for him and take him out for lunch, kind of a ‘big boy’ celebration.” Brian sat in his office stunned. He had no idea Justin was working for Ryder. And Gus, starting school today, could it really be five years since he was born? “Send someone else, I’m not waiting for you to piss away the day.” Brian slammed the phone down. “Up yours Kinney” Justin said to the dead telephone receiver. “Hey, Jared,” he called out to the group huddled over a display. “Big Bad wants someone to pick something up in his office. I have to leave, Gus starts school today, but I’ll be back by two.” “Hey, no problem Justin. Say hi to Gus for us and tell him we’ll look forward to seeing him at the company picnic next week. He can tell us all about his school adventures. And Justin, no taking the swings away from the little kids, every one gets a turn.” Jared laughed and so did the rest of them. Justin shook his head and walked to the elevator. Justin was still smiling when he reached the parking garage. One of the nice things about this job was the free parking space. He unlocked his bright yellow Sunfire, and was about to back out when the passenger door opened and Armani suit and all, Brian Kinney sat on the seat next to him. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to come too.” Brian said quietly. Justin looked at the older man and nodded. “Sure, the more the merrier.” He backed out of the parking space and drove out into the sunlight. “Linds is taking Gus to the school, but Gus is waiting for me to take him in.” It was Brian’s turn to nod his head that he understood and the rest of the ride was spent in uncomfortable silence. Justin was about to turn the corner to the school when Brian said. “I’ll get out here if you don’t mind. I don’t want to disturb his day.” Justin pulled up by a tree and let Brian out. He drove on and parked behind Lindsay’s car. Gus got out and ran to Justin who bent down and kissed him before helping to straighten his collar and tie of the small St. James uniform. Brian watched all this from a distance. He noticed Gus was a bit taller than most of the other kids who were lining up with their parents to begin their first day of school. Brian leaned against the tree and lit a cigarette, more to keep his hands busy than because he wanted one. “He’s beautiful isn’t he?” Lindsay asked. Brian hadn’t noticed her walking over to him so intent was he on Justin and his boy. “Yeah, he is, you’ve done a good job Linds.” Brian said and he meant it. “I hear you married your lawyer.” He looked at his old friend. “Are you happy?” “I’m happy, it’s nice having someone to love. You should try it sometime.” “I’m more of a loner Linds. You know my story, I would make life hell for anyone who tried to love me.” “Justin is good with him Brian, but Gus keeps looking for his father. He calls Justin, Da but he asks about his Daddy all the time. Justin and I and even Melanie have made something of a legend about you. It’s Gus’ favorite bedtime stories, the adventures of his Daddy.” “Geeze Linds, don’t do that. Don’t make me out to be some kind of super hero because I’m not. I’m just a man who’s too much of a coward to be a father to his son.” “Gus knows the stories are make believe Brian. We all have made sure of that. But he still wants his daddy. He remembers you from the GLC – that time you held him and he was only two. He knew you were his daddy, don’t ask me how he knew, but he did.” “Smart kid.” Was all Brian said. And then, “Justin said he’s sticking around to take Gus for lunch. How about a lift back to the office.” “I’m glad you came today Brian.” Lindsay said. She reached up and kissed his cheek. “Come on, I’ll drive you back.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Seat belt Gus” Justin said to the small boy wiggling in the rear seat of his car. “K – Pops” Gus said and giggled. “Pops” Justin laughed, “what happened to Da Jus?” “I’m a big boy now and Larisa, my new friend said Da Jus is baby talk. She said I should call you Daddy, but I have a Daddy and Suzie said she calls her daddy Pops and I kind of liked that, ‘cause it’s a happy word and you’re always happy.” Gus ran out of breath. “Pops it is then Gus” and for the rest of the drive to the diner Gus prattled on about his first morning at school and Justin smiled to himself about how much his ‘little’ boy was growing up. They pulled up to the diner and Gus all but ran to the door. He’d made a picture for his Grandma Deb and he wanted her to see it. Because it was in his backpack, even Justin hadn’t seen the picture. “Hey Gus, come and give this old lady a hug.” Debbie called from the back where she was serving Michael and Emmett and Ted. She bent down and Gus ran over and gave her a hug and then kissed her cheek. He climbed up onto the booth seat and kissed Ted, and Michael and Emmett. “I was in school” he said excitedly. “I have a whole bunch of new friends and my teacher is real nice and I learned a new song and I made a picture for Grandma Deb. It was waaaay cooool” his voice excited. “I’m starving to death.” He turned to Justin “Pops can I have fries and a ‘nilla milkshake?” All of them laughed at his exuberance and Justin said. “How about a grilled cheese sandwich with a few fries and a vanilla milkshake?” “Okay and a lemon bar too?” Gus asked. “Justin, if I didn’t know better I’d swear he was your kid. He’s got your appetite.” Debbie laughed and went to put in Gus’ order. “So Justin, when do we get to see this new loft you bought?” Emmett asked. “You bought a loft?” Michael and Ted looked at Justin surprised. “You only finished school a couple of months ago and I know you haven’t worked that long.” Michael continued. “Would you believe I’ve been saving my allowance and birthday money?” Justin asked and he reached over and stole one of Michael’s fries. Justin looked at Emmett, “I have a bunch of work to be done to it. It was only empty space and a bathroom and kitchen would be a nice idea for starters. The construction starts next week and with any luck I should be living there in about 3 months. We’ll have a party.” “Pops said I could come too Auntie Em” Gus piped up “And I’m going to have my very own room and everything.” “I’ll help with the party Justin, I love planning parties.” Emmett was excited. “Can we have a theme?” “Yes, Justin’s finally getting a place of his own theme.” Justin laughed. “Good investment Justin.” Ted spoke up finally. “Try and pay off the mortgage as soon as you can.” “There isn’t a mortgage Ted. I didn’t think it was necessary and I hate paying interest to banks.” Ted blinked with that information. “This job at Ryder pays better than I thought.” “Do you see much of Brian?” asked Michael. “He works at Ryder too; he’s my best friend since high school.” “Brian works on another floor and we really haven’t run into each other. Not to mention he has different interests than I have so it’s unlikely we’ll ever see much of one another. You’re going to have to find someone else to tell you all about your ‘best friends’ day in the office.” Justin smiled at Michael to take the sting out of his words. “Pops, can I give Grandma Deb her picture now?” Gus asked. He’d been quietly drawing in his small sketch book that he took with him everywhere. “Sure,” Justin said and moved out of the booth in order for Gus to run over to where Debbie was reading the newspaper at the counter. Justin sat back down to watch the little boy while listening to the conversation of the others in the booth. They were discussing their weekend activities that seemed to focus around Babylon and Woody’s – two places Justin rarely went. With school, working and minding Gus whenever he had the chance, Justin had never had a lot of time to hang out at the favorite watering holes of Pittsburgh gay population. Something Gus said to Debbie caught his attention. “This is me – Gus going to school – this is Pops” he pointed to a yellow headed figure, “This is mommy” Gus pointed to a figure wearing a long skirt. “And this is my daddy hiding behind a tree.” Justin looked over and sure enough Gus had drawn a man standing behind a tree, the man was wearing black, but he had auburn hair. “Oh, I’m sure if your daddy was there, he would have said hello.” Debbie tried to reason with Gus. “He can’t.” Gus said and handed Debbie the picture. “It’s for you Grandma Deb.” “Why can’t he honey?” Deb asked curious as to what the little boy would say. “’Cause my daddy is very, very sad and he loves me very much, but he can’t tell me with kisses – well he did one time – but I was a little kid then – I can’t remember it very good.” Gus sighed dramatically “someday my daddy will get happy and he’ll come and find me and tell me he loves me more than the whole world, more than a hundred bears, or a thousand kisses.” Gus flung his arms out to demonstrate to Deb and she laughed at his exuberance. “I’m sure he will baby, I’m sure he will.” Gus rejoined the boys and soon had his lunch finished. “Time to take you back to your mommy – I have to go to work, but I’ll come home as soon as I can. We’ll go to the park and play.” Justin said. He said goodbye to the boys in the booth and together with Gus left the diner. They had barely been gone five minutes when Brian walked in the door. Rather than join the gang he sat down at the counter with Deb. She poured him a coffee and ordered his usual sandwich then sat back down. “What’s new Deb?” he asked. He idly fingered the rolled up piece of paper. “Not much, you just missed Justin with his little boy Gus.” Debbie wiped down the counter. She nodded toward the paper Brian was fiddling with. “He made me a picture.” Brian unrolled the painting. “I’d say, he needs to brush up on his technique if he wants to make any money at this.” “Gus painted it you asshole.” Debbie took the painting. “See there’s Gus, Justin, Lindsay and he says this guy lurking by the tree is his daddy.” She chuckled “Such an imagination he has. He told me his daddy loves him but is too sad to tell him or something.” She pointed to the corner “And look at that – such a smart kid – he can even print his own name. Brian looked at the words ‘Gus K Peterson.’ “I wonder what his middle name is” Debbie wonder. “I never heard Justin or Lindsay mention it, - probably Kenneth.” “No doubt” Brian said. “How about my lunch Deb.” He asked. “I’ll check with the kitchen Brian.” Deb got up and headed for the kitchen. As soon as she disappeared through the doors Brian stood and walked over to the gang in the corner. “I can’t stay boys, I’ll see you later at Woodys.” “Sure Brian.” Michael said and went back to discussing the latest new guys they had seen the night before. Brian walked back to the counter, threw a twenty down, picked up his briefcase and the picture and walked out the door. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 4 months later “Pops, are you going to have a real tree?” Gus asked as they walked along Liberty Avenue. “I think so; it wouldn’t seem like Christmas without it.” Justin smiled down at Gus. “I’m going to be sad.” “Why, Christmas is a happy time?” “’Cause you’re moving away from our house.” Gus’ bottom lip trembled. “But I’m not going far, and I have a room especially for you. When you and your mommies come over on Saturday night you’ll see it.” “Really, you really still love me?” Justin looked stricken for a moment, he turned to the little boy and crouched down beside him. “Gus, I loved you from the very first minute I saw you. And you know what – that love is a special kind of love ‘cause every day it grows more and more. I’ll never stop loving you.” “I wish I was your little boy.” Gus’ voice was sad. “You are my little boy.” Justin said and reached over to give him a hug. “You’re my little boy from my heart. How great is that?” he grinned and soon Gus was grinning too. “I love you Pops.” “I love you too Gus.” Justin stood and taking Gus’ hand continued to walk with him down the brightly lit street filled with Christmas decorations. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Two days later, Justin was struggling into the building on Tremont with a large Christmas tree. “Hey Taylor, you really shouldn’t have.” Brian drawled, but he held the door open for Justin. “Good, because I didn’t Mr. Kinney.” Justin continued down the hall past the elevator dragging the tree behind him. “Where are you going with the piece of forest?” Brian followed behind him curious. “To my loft.” Justin was out of breath. “It’s here on the ground floor of this building, in fact other than the lobby – it’s the whole ground floor.” He reached the door and unlike the metal door that graced the entrance to Brian’s loft at the top of the building, this was actually two doors – each more than an inch thick of tempered glass with a design sandblasted into both so when the doors were shut and locked a scene unfolded. The workmanship was amazing – both doors were wrapped in brass edging and both were equipped with modern locks and door handles. Amazingly enough, the doors though looked strong and you couldn’t see through them, only a vague swirl of color could be seen through the glass it was so thick and the design sand blasted into it filled all the space. “Your loft?” Brian said with his eyebrows raised. “For an old guy, your hearing is not bad.” “I believe you once pointed out that there is only four years difference in our ages.” Justin grinned at him. “So you do remember the odd thing.” Justin had opened both doors to get the tree in. “Want to have a tour. The contractors left yesterday and this is my first official day in my new home. In fact I’m having the gang over on Saturday, you’re welcome to come.” Brian stepped inside, curious to see what Justin had done. His place upstairs looked nothing like what the young artist had done. “It looks like an art gallery.” Brian stated the obvious. “It is, kind of.” Justin admitted. “I can’t afford to operate it as such yet. But still, I like to have my work on display and every now and then a buyer might show up.” Justin stood inside his doors and surveyed the results of his design. The outside walls had remained natural brick, but inside each support pillar had been encased with drywall enlarging it so that a painting could be hung. An oasis that was the sitting area, was flanked with sturdy screens that also allowed display space. The sofa was a soft maroon leather and the entertainment system was hidden behind a wall of storage modules that hinged to reveal the flat screen television as well as the stereo. A wide staircase made from iron, led up to what appeared to be an open loft area. “My bedroom and bathroom is up there. He pointed to a door that was located under the stair case. A separate bathroom is there and on the other side – he pointed to another door – that’s the guest bedroom or Gus’ bedroom, depending on who you ask.” He grinned. “The kitchen and my studio are over here” Justin led Brian to the far end of the loft and sure enough behind a short wall that seemed to grow from the floor was a full kitchen and past that on the only wall with a lot of windows – was Justin’s studio. “I put the master bedroom and bath up high to save floor space – it’s only barely eight feet high, but I’m not planning on inviting any basket ball players over anytime soon.” The hardwood floors gleamed and the walls reflected paintings from Justin’s life. “Not bad for a kid just out of school.” Brian admitted. “I don’t know about having Gus here though.” “Why not Brian, it’s not as if you’re going to be spending time here as well.” Justin looked perplexed. “I live here Justin. I live on the top floor.” Brian looked embarrassed. “I didn’t know that.” Justin shrugged. “Maybe it’s time you got to know your son. It can’t hurt.” “It does.” Brian muttered. “What?” “Nothing.” Brian backed toward the door. “I’ll leave you to your decorating. It was nice to see you again.” He turned and abruptly left, but not before noticing the framed picture of a laughing Gus held in Justin’s arms. It looked like the picture had been taken at a lake somewhere. A burning slice of jealousy ran through Brian, but he shook it off as he made his way up to his own apartment. Justin watched him leave. He hadn’t planned on having Brian live so close, but maybe now, seeing more of Gus, the older man would realize that he ‘could’ become part of the young boy’s life. Justin glanced outside pleased to see the snow beginning. Saturday night would be perfect when the tree was decorated and everyone arrived in the snow. Christmas was barely two weeks away. His first Christmas on his own, though Lindsay and Mel did promise to bring Gus over in the afternoon and of course they would all be going to Debbies for Christmas dinner. He smiled contented with his life, though a man would be nice to have under his tree. Someone tall and lean and with auburn hair that begged to have fingers combing through the silky strands. Justin smiled at his dreams, ‘hmmm he thought, Brian Kinney sounded like the man of his dreams and he wondered how the full lips would taste as he began the process of putting his tree up in the center of the great room so it could be viewed from all sides. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ It was Saturday night and Justin had gotten his wish, it was snowing heavily outside. The room was alive with the sounds of Christmas music, the tree glowing with thousands of white mini lights and the occasional string of blinking multi colored lights for fun. Every one was here, everyone except the three people he wanted there the most. Gus, Lindsay and Melanie. He looked out the front door of the apartment building for the hundredth time, this time Brian was walking in and shaking snow off of him. “Shit Taylor, it’s tough out there.” He commented as he headed for the elevator. “Brian” Justin asked timidly, which wasn’t like him, but he was worried. “Did you see Lindsay’s car when you parked?” “No, isn’t she here?” Brian asked. “I couldn’t get a damn parking space because of your little get together.” “You’re welcome to come.” Justin said. “I did invite you.” “It’s not my kind of party Taylor, I prefer mine a bit more lively.” He looked off into the distance. “And I don’t do Christmas.” “You don’t do much do you Kinney. You don’t to fatherhood, you don’t do boyfriends or anyone twice and now we can add Christmas to the list, I suppose right up there with Birthdays and Valentines day and every other kind of celebration there is.” Justin’s voice was bitter, more from worry about his friends than from anything else. The ringing of his phone inside his apartment finally stirred him to move. He headed toward the door when Emmett, his face white came out into the hall and handed Justin the telephone. “Justin, you’d better take this.” Emmett started to cry as he handed the telephone to Justin. Justin’s blue eyes were panicky but he took the telephone. He spoke to whoever had called and as he listened his legs began to collapse out from under him and he slowly sank to the floor, his eyes overflowing with tears, his heart broken. Brian watched horrified. “What the fuck is happening?” he asked Emmett. “It’s Melanie and Lindsay, they were in an accident with Gus, a car hit them. Mel and Linds are dead, and Gus is barely hanging on.” Emmett managed to gasp out before he was overcome again. “Justin is listed as their emergency contact.”