Sealed with a KisS - 1 - Pittsburgh – almost ten years after Justin was turned away at the door of Brian’s loft. “Dad, did you get the latest issue of House Beautiful, the United Kingdom one?” “Gus, I’m gay, but I’m not that gay. Ask your Auntie Em. He might have one.” Brian was working late. He’d answered the phone because Gus was the only one who would be brave enough to call him at the office after the week he’d just put in. “I know he has one, he’s the one who called me about this.” Gus was leafing through the magazine in question. There was a ten-page layout that was driving him crazy. “It’s kind of weird; the feature layout is for some guy’s villa on a remote island off the coast of Greece. I’ve looked everywhere and they don’t say exactly where the island is or even the name of the homeowner. But dad, your picture is in damn near every room. I mean your face isn’t showing in any but one, but I’d recognize you anywhere. Of course the fact that I’m in a couple of the pictures kind of helps.” “I’m sure that you are letting your imagination go again Gus. You know it can’t be him. If it was I would have found him years ago.” Brian sighed. Gus was always sure he’d found the perfect clue as to Justin’s whereabouts. “Maybe you didn’t try hard enough Dad. I didn’t like the last detective, he seemed incompetent.” “I don’t hire incompetents Gus. The guy tried. He followed every lead there was.” Brian sighed. “Why don’t you stop by the loft and show me what you’ve found.” Brian figured he might as well get it over with, Gus wouldn’t give up otherwise. “I’ll ask Mom if I can ride my bike over. Can you give me a ride home later?” “Tell her you’re spending the night. I’ll buy pizza; we’ll have a Justin supper.” Brian smiled. Over the years whenever Gus wanted pizza, that’s what he’d call it. It had been 9 years, four months, six days, and eleven hours since Justin had left the loft that day. It had taken his mother two days before she called Brian looking for her son. He’d hung up on her twice before she finally got through to him frantic because Justin hadn’t returned. He would never forget the conversation. “Mrs. Taylor, you told me to back off, to leave him alone and let him get on with his life. I did what you wanted, so don’t come to me looking for him.” “Brian, I know he went there, he was upset that you didn’t call him that night and Molly said he was going to find you. Did you see him; can you at least tell me that?” “I saw him.” Was all Brian could say, remembering the pain and hurt in Justin’s blue eyes, he sighed, “I told him he couldn’t be with me. I did what you wanted.” “I can’t find him. He isn’t with Daphne, he’s not with Debbie, I don’t know where he is.” “I guess, mommy doesn’t always know what’s best.” Brian said, and then he gently replaced the receiver. He grabbed his phone book and made a call to an old college buddy and that was the beginning of his search for Justin. It had been a long time and a lot of dead ends. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 9 years earlier “What do you want?” Michael answered the door at his mother’s house. “Mom and Vic are out.” He started to shut the door. “I have to talk to you.” Justin said. He was trembling with exhaustion from having walked all the way from Brian’s place so soon after getting out of the hospital. “Can I come in and have a glass of water?” Michael could see that something was wrong. As much as Justin irritated the hell out of him, he couldn’t leave him on the front step. “Come in, you know where everything is help yourself.” “Thanks Michael.” Justin said as he brushed past the older man. He managed to squeeze by without touching him and he almost sighed with relief. Justin got himself a glass of water and joined Michael in the living room where Michael was watching Hollywood Squares. “I need your help, you’re the only one I can turn to.” Michael looked over at him. “What?” “I have to get away from here; I don’t want anyone bugging me about it. My mom, your mom, they all think they know what’s best for me. But I have to do this on my own.” “What about Brian?” “He doesn’t want me either.” Justin’s voice hardened. “Look, I have some money saved, it was for school. I need a ride to the next town so I can get a bus. I don’t want to get one here in case someone starts to look for me. Can you borrow Deb’s car and drive me?” He looked at Michael. “You can have Brian all to yourself. It’s what you’ve always wanted.” Michael thought for a few minutes. “When do you want to go?” “Now, I need to pick up some stuff at Mom’s, she won’t be back for another few hours. I don’t want to be there when she gets home.” “Let me get the keys and leave Ma a note so she doesn’t think it’s been stolen.” Michael went into the kitchen and scrawled a few words on the back of an envelope before grabbing the keys and heading out the door. At his mother’s condo, Justin packed his prescription medicine and the file folder with his medical records. He took the barest necessities of clothing, his sketchbook that was filled with sketches of Brian along with a blank one. He felt bad when he liberated the money his mother kept for emergencies, but he would need every cent he could get his hands on. Sitting in the passenger seat of Deb’s old car, Justin was silent as Michael drove him out of town. Justin looked at the scenery stoic on the outside, yet writhing with pain on the inside. The only person that mattered to him wanted nothing to do with him. Leaving Pittsburgh was Justin’s only option. “Are you sure about this Justin?” Michael asked finally breaking the silence. “I’m not like you Michael. I can’t sit around and watch the man I love live his life without me. It would kill me inside. The only thing I can do is move on with my life. I know that everyone thinks that at eighteen I’m too young to know what I want. But I bet you knew how much you loved Brian when you were eighteen and it hasn’t changed any, has it Michael?” He held up his hand. “Now I’m a fucking cripple. I can’t draw; I don’t have the only other thing that made my life worthwhile. I can’t have Brian and I can’t have my art. I have to find out what’s left. I won’t be able to do that sitting in my mother’s condo and I won’t be able to do that at Dartmouth, which is what my father wants.” Michael continued to drive. He knew exactly how Justin was feeling, he’d been having similar feelings for years but he was too much his mother’s son to pick up and leave. He envied Justin the ability to do that. As they entered the next town, Michael made a snap decision, one he’d come to wonder later if it was the right one. He pulled up in front of a branch of his bank. “I need to get some money Justin. I’ll be right out. The bus depot is on the other side of town, so wait for me. I’ll drive you to it.” Justin was too tired to think let alone walk to a bus depot in a strange town. He sat alone in Deb’s car and wondered if he was doing the right thing. It wasn’t too late to stop and go back, but if he did that, he’d be facing Brian, even if he didn’t see the tall auburn haired man every day, he’d know that he was somewhere in Pittsburgh and that he could run into him without warning. Michael hopped back in the car and quickly moved off into the traffic. In only a few minutes he was in front of the Greyhound depot. Justin’s hand was on the handle of the car door. “Thanks for the ride Michael.” He was subdued with the enormity of what he was about to do. “Do you know where you’re going?” Michael asked. “Yeah, I have an idea.” Justin looked into the distance. And he did have an idea. It wasn’t a great one, but it was the only one he had. “I can’t tell you Michael, because I really don’t want to have any of the gang look for me, if anyone was interested. This way you can honestly say you don’t know where I went.” “I really hate to say this Justin, but I think you should talk to Brian first. He cares about you, a lot more than anyone knows.” “Michael, I was sure he did too. But the facts are there as plain as day, he didn’t come to the hospital the whole time I was there, I had to track him down once I got out and” his voice faltered as he remembered Brian’s words to him at the door of the loft. He shook his head; he could say them out loud. “I think you’re wrong, but I’m not going to stand in your way. I have enough people of my own telling me how to live my life; I know what you are going through. I wish I’d had the guts to do something about my own life when I was your age.” Michael reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out an envelope. “I want you to have this, I don’t know how much money you have with you, but I do know money doesn’t go as far as you might think. It’s $2,000.00; David would never let me pay for anything so you might as well have it.” “Michael” Justin began as he shook his head. “I can’t ---- “Yes you can. It’s yours, when you are rich and famous you can give it back, or help someone else out who might need it.” Justin took the envelope and tucked away carefully in his backpack making sure it was at the bottom and not likely to disappear. He leaned over and put his arms around Michael and gave him a quick hug, still not able to let anyone else touch him. “Later.” He said then he let himself out of the car, his hand barely able to pull open the door latch. Justin walked into the bus depot and he never looked back. He was afraid if he did he lose it he would melt down completely and he needed every bit of determination he had to buy a ticket and get on a bus as far away from Pittsburgh as he could go. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now “Uncle Mikey, I’m at Dad’s can you come over. I think I found Justin.” Gus was now firmly convinced he’d found the elusive man who had figured in his life so briefly, yet continued to be part of it every day, because of the mystery surrounding his disappearance so long ago. “Gus, again?” Michael received one of these calls from his young surrogate nephew at least once a month. At ten years old, Gus was bright and obsessed with the young artist who disappeared. He was convinced Justin and his father were destined to be together and determined to reunite the two of them. Michael thought back, trying to decide when Gus had begun this obsession with locating Justin. It was something the kid seemed to be doing as long as Michael could remember. Probably because Brian had been searching and Michael suspected that when Gus was too young to talk, Brian would talk to his son and explain about Justin and his search to locate him never realizing that young children learn and pick up more than any adult could ever give them credit for. “Please Uncle Mikey, I really, really think this is the one.” Gus pleaded with the older man. If this was Justin, his dad would need his best friend there. “Ben could come too; Dad says we can have pizza tonight.” “I don’t think Ben likes to eat pizza Gus unless your dad plans on getting a tofu one.” He grimaced and knew that Gus was doing the same thing on his end of the line. It was a standing joke between the two of them. “Nope just our favorite kind, lots of greasy good stuff.” “Cool, ok, I’ll call Ben and let him know where I’m headed.” “Thanks Uncle Mikey” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ eight years ago “Brian, you can’t go to New York again this weekend, you’ve hardly been here any weekend for months.” Michael looked at his friend with concern. “He had to have gone to New York, it was something we’d talked about before, before ---Brian didn’t continue. Michael knew he meant before the bashing, before Justin was in a coma, before Justin disappeared. “I don’t think he did Brian, I’ve told you that. When I saw Justin last, New York wasn’t mentioned. He said he had a plan but he didn’t say what it was.” Brian and Michael had long ago made up after Michael’s part in Justin’s escape had become common knowledge. It had taken almost four weeks for Michael to realize how upset Brian was and why. He’d confessed his role and it was then he’d seen his best friend break down and cry and only then did he realize that Brian loved Justin in a way he’d never love Michael. “I have to do it Michael, you can come if you want. I just have to do it. And if and when I’m satisfied that he isn’t in New York City, then I’ll move on to another city. I have to find him.” Brian sounded desperate. “What about that last guy you had looking?” “Same dead end. Who would have known the little fucker could disappear that fast. It’s almost as if he’d had some kind of plan. Why in hell couldn’t I have grown some balls and told him how I felt about him?” The question was not only rhetorical, but one that Brian had asked himself more times than anyone could count. He resolved long ago, that if he ever found Justin, there wouldn’t be a day go by that he wouldn’t tell him he loved him and seal it with a kiss. “I have Gus for a few hours and then I’m heading out, if you’re coming, be here by six, we can drive tonight and start looking early in the morning that way we’ll have Saturday and most of Sunday before we have to head back.” Michael sighed, this was getting old fast, but he had to go, he couldn’t let Brian do it himself, he’d tried that and his best friend had been in worse shape than ever without him to bounce ideas off of. “I’ll be there Brian, but I think you should seriously give this some more thought, maybe we could talk to the last detective, he could give us some ideas.” There was silence on the line. Brian knew Mikey was right, he couldn’t keep going to New York to look for Justin, but he felt so helpless not doing something. “This will be the last time.” His voice was defeated when he hung up the phone. He looked over at his son who for once was sitting quietly watching something on television. “Daddy’s going to New York again this weekend Sonny Boy. But it’ll be the last time. I hope I find him.” “Daddy find Jus?” Gus went over to the long shelves by the bedroom and took a framed picture off the shelf and handed it to Brian. “See, Jus and Daddy.” Gus pointed out the two people who looked so happy in this moment of time that had been captured forever. “That’s Jus alright Sonny Boy. See his smile? We used to tell him it was a sunshine smile. That’s why Gramma Debbie calls him Sunshine.” He leaned over and kissed the top of Gus’s head. “Sunshine, Jus is sunshine.” Gus moved to his crayons and his drawing paper. He sat down and began to draw – his look of concentration reminded Brian of Justin who used to sit in the same spot by the window with the same look on his face and he had to swallow back the rush of emotion that flooded his body as the vision of the young man he loved sat beside his son. Gus ran back to him with his latest creation. It was a picture of a tall man holding the hand of a small boy with a larger than life yellow sun standing behind, his arms around the both of them and a big smile on his yellow face. “Fridge daddy fridge.” He wanted his creation to be hung on the already well papered refridgerator. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now Brian saw Michael’s car parked in front of his loft. He wasn’t surprised that Gus had managed to talk his friend into coming over. Michael was a sucker for his ten-year-old son. “Hello boys, daddy’s home.” Brian called out as he opened the loft door. “Hi Dad.” Gus walked over and gave his father a kiss hello. Michael looked over at Brian and smiled. “Your son, the genius is right. This has to be Justin’s home.” Brian’s face went white, for a moment he thought he’d faint. Nine years, four months, six days, fourteen hours and he might have found him. “Are you sure?” he was barely able to croak. “Will you look at these pictures.” Michael stared fascinated at the pages of the magazine. “Yeah, dad, that is totally you in these pictures.” Gus offered. “I mean look at this guy, and I think this is me. See the baby even has that little birthmark that I have on my butt.” Brian smirked. “I guess that proves it.” He teased his son. “How do you know that you have a birthmark on your cute little butt?” “Because mom has about a million embarrassing pictures of me.” He took the magazine from Michael and brought it over to Brian who appeared rooted at the entrance of the loft. “See Dad, that’s you.” He began to point to the walls of a grand foyer. “And this one I’m pretty sure is you as well, I recognize the way your bedroom used to be decorated.” A larger than life reclining nude on a blue draped bed graced the wall of what must have been a bedroom. Brian took the magazine in his hands as he sank to the floor, not caring that he was wearing a three thousand dollar suit. He was only interested in the magazine and the pictures that appeared on the pages. He turned to the front where occasionally photographer’s credits could be found. And he searched for a clue as to the identity of the photographer or the location of the shoot. “Dad, don’t you think I’ve already done this?” Gus squatted down in front of his father. “I’ve looked everywhere and the only clue is the few words at the beginning of the article that says the owner of the villa wishes to remain anonymous and that the photographs were allowed because the villa had been chosen for a design award. The new owner had accepted the award in memory of the former owner of the building, a long time friend.” Gus looked at his father, his eyes beseeching, “You don’t think that Justin is dead do you?” His hazel eyes, so like his father, filled with tears. “We just found him.” Brian looked at his son amazed that the kid could feel so much for someone he couldn’t possibly remember. “Gus, we don’t even know that these pictures have anything to do with Justin, let alone whether he’s alive or dead. He could have painted these and sold them years ago.” “I don’t know Brian, I think Gus is right.” Michael piped up from his spot on the sofa. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ eight years ago “Justin, I have decided, we leave for Greece next week.” The old woman spoke louder than normal. She was hard of hearing and like a lot of older people, they shout not realizing that they were doing it, rather than adjust their hearing aide. “I’ll tell the rest of the staff then madam.” Justin tucked the flowered quilt around her legs and then kissed her forehead. “You are such a treasure Justin.” Emily Anyiatos said. “The best thing that ever happened was Tomas bringing you home to me.” “It was good for me too madam” Justin fussed around the old lady making sure that she was comfortable. “Will Tomas be coming to Greece with us as well? He hasn’t been around for a few weeks.” “The last I heard, he was in Paris painting. But perhaps he’ll come to Greece. He designed the villa there and it’s always been a favorite spot of ours over the years.” Justin flexed the fingers on his right hand. “I was hoping to see him. I’ve been doing the exercise he suggested and the flexibility has almost completely returned.” “Have you begun to sketch again dear?” she asked. “I can’t” Justin’s answer was simple. He couldn’t even pick up a piece of charcoal or a pencil, let alone sketch. “Is it because you no longer have the desire, or do you feel it is a physical problem?” “I don’t think it’s physical. I just don’t have the inspiration I used to have. Somehow it feels so pointless.” “Have you ever been in love?” the old lady asked. She instantly regretted the question when a flash of pain washed across the young blond’s face. “I see that you have loved and I wouldn’t be surprised if you still love this person.” “Please madam, I can’t talk about it yet. It still hurts too much.” “You have been with me for almost a year. The wound is not a fresh one dear.” “To me, it’s like it happened moments ago. I can still see his face when he told me to leave.” Justin’s blue eyes filled with tears and he wiped them away angrily. “It’s stupid, I know.” “Grand passions are never stupid and they will never disappear. What you have to do is focus on the best times you had together. Why don’t you take some time today to reflect on all the good things you shared with your love and perhaps it will inspire you to sketch.” “First madam, I will advise the staff of our travel plans and see to your dinner. I have marketing to do and your latest tape to transcribe.” “Send Philippi to do the marketing, though I suppose the tape transcription should be taken to George at the museum.” She paused. “It will do you good to be among the paintings, perhaps read a little of the artist’s life. You aren’t the first artist to lose your love and you won’t be the last.” “Yes madam.” Justin fussed some more with her and then left the room quietly. They were in the New York penthouse and he should be pleased to be in the city where he had run away to so many years before. He thought of Brian when he’d found him in the hotel room and the amazing sex they’d shared. “I’ll take the tapes over to George right away.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Later “That’s the last museum” Brian’s voice was discouraged. “I can’t believe that he wouldn’t visit them at least once if he was here.” He’d handed out the last of his pictures of Justin to the ticket seller. “It’s been a long time Brian and a lot of people go through these doors. How do you expect them to remember one blond gay boy?” Michael was tired; Brian had walked him all over this part of the city once again searching for a sign of Justin. Michael stumbled over an uneven floor tile and Brian caught him before he fell. He automatically kissed Michael’s forehead when he had his arms around him. Keeping his arm around Mikey’s shoulder the two of them left the museum. Neither man saw the pain filled blue eyes that had been watching them from the second floor while the made their way through the rotunda. When Michael laughed up at Brian and Brian smiled down at this friend, kissing him again. Justin watched through a blur of tears. Michael must have finally managed to get Brian. He knew it was inevitable, but the pain he felt was worse than any other. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Present Time “I’m sorry, I don’t really care what the publisher wants, I said I wanted to remain anonymous and that’s the last I’m saying on the subject. If you or any of your staff reveal where the pictures were taken, or my name, I will own that fucking magazine. We have a contract.” Justin carefully closed his phone and put it back in his pocket then took it out again to turn off the ringer. He should never have agreed to the spread in House Beautiful. Because it was the European addition so he figured no one in Pittsburgh would ever see it, but still he was uncomfortable knowing it was out there. Justin walked through the large villa toward his studio, pausing briefly in front of his portrait of Brian that he’d done shortly after he’d regained his memory of the prom night. He still was astounded that he’d forgotten the Prom for the length of time that he had. Brian stood life sized in front of him dressed in black, a look of love on his face. Justin had never expected to see a look like that on the tall auburn haired man and he never had seen it again. Sometimes when he looked at this particular picture, he almost believed that perhaps he’d only imagined it, or dreamed that special look. It didn’t matter now. Now it was only a dream but a dream he cherished and had the time and money to indulge in. “Poppa, poppa” a small boy stumbled through the door leading from the back garden. “Stephi won’t give me my crayons back and I said please.” Justin swung the boy up in his arms “Mikey I’m glad you said please. Why don’t you and I find Stephi and see what we can do.” He put the child down but held his hand; together they walked through the double doors towards another boy who was industriously coloring on a piece of paper. “Stephi, why did you take Mikey’s crayons?” “Look at this flower poppa, I had to draw it now, my crayons are way far away in my room. See poppa how the sun shines on the petals, don’t you want to draw it?” Justin looked carefully at the page his son was drawing on and then at the rose that lay on the ground where it had been dropped earlier, probably when the housekeeper had clipped the flowers for the foyer vases. “I understand Stephi, but you really should have explained this to your brother. He would have understood.” Stephi looked at his brother, his brown eyes filled with tears at the hurt he’d caused him. “I’m sorry Mikey” he went over and hugged his brother. “That’s okay Stephi” he gave his brother a brilliant smile. “I like your flower picture, it’s very nice. Is it for mama?” “Of course it’s for mama.” Stephi handed the picture to his brother. “Why don’t you take it to her now.” He looked at Justin “Is that alright poppa? Mama, she is awake now?” Justin smiled down at the small boys. “Your mama is awake. She wanted me to find you and ask if the two of you would like to have lunch with her in her room today. It’s a good day for her and she promised that she would take her medication after her time with you both.” Seeing the happiness on the face of the boys made Justin’s heart sing. There were so many bad days and so few good ones lately that he celebrated each one. Justin’s step was light as he followed the footsteps of his children up to their mother’s room. He stopped long enough to grab his sketchbook and pencils before stepping into the sunlit room. The two boys were on the large canopied bed with their mother. He watched them make nests with the pillows and snuggle close to the fragile body that was a mere shell of the woman Justin had met almost seven years before. Angelina Taylor looked up. She had a boy on either side of her. Her translucent skin added to the fragility of her features but she smiled at him bravely. “When did our beautiful babies become so grownup my darling?” she kissed Stephi and then Mikey on the top of their blond curls and they both reflected beaming smiles up at their mother, two pairs of brown eyes danced with pleasure. “I will refuse to sleep, lest they grow up and move away from me while I do.” She teased. “Mama, we will never leave you,” declared Stephano and Michael Taylor. Justin’s heart hurt with the knowledge that their mother would be leaving the twins long before the boys would be old enough to leave. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 7 years earlier Brian picked up the phone on his desk absentmindedly. He was studying the boards for the Cosgrove campaign “Brian Kinney here” he barked into the phone. “Brian” the soft feminine voice was nervous. “It’s Jennifer Taylor. Tomorrow – she hesitated. “You said last year if I needed – again her voice stopped. “Why don’t we get together tomorrow Jennifer. I don’t want to spend it alone and I’m sure you don’t either.” Brian’s voice was low and gentle. “Would you like to go out somewhere special for dinner?” “That would be lovely Brian, I need to get out of the house. I still can’t believe we haven’t heard from him in two years.” She hesitated. “Do you think he’s still alive, that he’s alright?” “I’m pretty sure I’d know it if he had died Jennifer and so would you. I like to think he’s doing fine, wherever he is.” “I’ll never forgive myself Brian, for those things I did when he got out of the hospital, for not telling him of your visits.” “I’ve told you before that we both are equally responsible for Justin to feel that he wasn’t loved. So don’t go beating yourself up over it. We’re in this one together.” It was an old argument between the two of them, but one that had to be voiced often as one or the other would begin to feel guilty about Justin leaving. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Athens, 7 years ago “Justin, I would like you to meet my granddaughter, Angelina, Tomas’ daughter.” The frail old lady smiled at her granddaughter and then at Justin who had become like a grandson to her. “Angelina had finally returned to us from that nasty boarding school her father insisted she attend.” “Grandmamma, it wasn’t that bad and now it doesn’t matter, it’s over and I never have to return.” Angelina spoke to her grandmother but looked at Justin and smiled. He was so handsome and blond, so different from the Greek boys of her father’s friends. Justin was transfixed; Angelina was beautiful with an inner beauty that glowed. She was shorter then he was and had dark curls that reached almost to her waist. Her petite good looks reminded him of his best friend Daphne. He’d missed her so much over the past two years. “Hi” he said at a loss for words. He was immediately struck with the desire to paint the young girl. In no time at all they became inseparable, he told her that he was gay right from the start, but he also told her that if he hadn’t been, she would have been the woman for him as they were completely in tune with each other. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ “Angel honey, I really want you to see someone.” Justin held the hand of his friend. He traced the blue veins with his fingertips her skin was translucent. “You promised you would when you fainted yesterday. And today I hear that you fainted again.” “Justin, I don’t want to.” Angelina knew something was seriously wrong, she hadn’t told Justin everything. She was terrified. As long as she didn’t hear the words from a doctor than what ever was wrong – just wasn’t happening. “I’m going to ask your grandmother for the day off tomorrow. I’ll go with you.” “Justy, no, I can do it.” “If you could do it, then why isn’t it done? I’m taking you tomorrow, no more arguing.” Justin leaned over and kissed his friend, his lips brushing hers softly. He knew he’d made the right decision when Angelina leaned into him and let him hold her. Justin could feel her body trembling and his fear for his friend increased. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ “Justin, thank you for taking Angelina. We’ve all been worried about her, but she’s so stubborn.” The old lady fussed with the scarf she was tying around her neck. “I’m worried about her madam. She’s lost so much weight she almost floats.” He sighed and handed his boss the letters he’d prepared for her signature. “I think there’s more but you know your granddaughter, she’s as stubborn as her grandmother and refuses to say anything.” He leaned over the old lady and fixed her scarf, then kissed her cheek. “There madam, you are as beautiful as ever.” The two of them had long ago crossed the boundaries of employee and employer and were now fast friends. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Justin lay in his bed later that night. He was worried about Angelina and what the doctor would say. All evening she had pretended not to care. They had played scrabble with her grandmother until bedtime even though it was obvious that both women should have been in bed hours before. Justin looked out his open window at the night sky. The stars and the moon always seemed so much brighter here on the island. He liked to imagine that Brian was looking out at the same stars, the same moon, somehow keeping the two of them connected. He had almost drifted off to sleep, visions of Brian in his head, when his bedroom door opened slowly. “Justy, I can’t sleep.” Angelina’s voice trembled and she moved across the bedroom floor toward Justin’s bed. He lifted the comforter in a silent invitation glad for once that he had gone to bed in an old pair of Brian’s sweats that he’d found among his things at his mother’s. He’d taken them with him two years before even though he had no room for indulgence, but he needed a piece of Brian and this was the best he could do on such short notice. “Angel, everything will be alright, and if it isn’t, we’ll face it together.” Justin promised his friend. He pulled her close remembering how Brian would do the same for him and how safe it had always made him feel. Justin felt her tense body begin to relax until her soft breathing told him she’d fallen asleep. He lay there facing the window high in the wall counting the stars while he held his sleeping beauty and prayed that she would be okay. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Justin had been starring at the same page in the magazine for more than an hour when a nurse approached him. “Mr. Taylor, Angelina would like you to join her in the doctor’s office.” Her eyes were kind and full of compassion and Justin knew that his fears had been realized and Angelina had a serious problem. His head high Justin walked into the office. Angelina looked even smaller than usual in the large leather chair in front of the massive desk. Justin smiled at her and kissed the top of her head before sitting beside her. He reached over and took her hand, lacing their fingers together. The doctor faced the two young people. It was times like this when he wished he’d listened to his heart and become a gardener. “Angelina, I would like to admit you to the hospital for more tests.” He began. “I have to tell you that my initial findings confirm what we discussed two years ago. Your heart isn’t improving.” “You told me that it might improve.” Her grip on Justin’s hand tightened. “I said might, Angelina, but it hasn’t. You know that I don’t want you to have this problem, but it was the same with your dear mother. She had many good years after she was diagnosed.” “She had five years.” Angelina looked at him defiantly. “Five years and all I remember about her was a closed bedroom door that I wasn’t allowed to enter.” The old family doctor looked embarrassed. “Things were done differently then Angelina, but you aren’t married and there are no children involved.” He looked at Justin. “You should remember that, your health wouldn’t allow you to have children.” The doctor spoke to the two of them for another few minutes until finally Justin was able to help Angelina to her feet and leave the offices. Holding hands, they walked blocks through the village streets before turning to the villa. Angelina crept back into Justin’s room again that night. Justin heard the door open, it wasn’t completely unexpected and he held up the quilt again for her to crawl under. This time she snuggled close to him and whispered. “Make love to me Justy, please, I want to feel like a woman at least once before it’s too late.” “Angel, baby,” he began. Justin combed his finger’s through her curls, he remembered Brian telling him about the times he’d been with Lindsay when they attended University and he kissed her soft lips, wishing they were Brian’s but making do. He did love Angelina, perhaps not as a man would love a woman, but more as a close friend. He couldn’t deny her plea and together they explored each other, making love with fingers and lips through tears and laughter, but making love nevertheless. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ “Grandmamma, poppa, it’s my fault, it was only the one time, it was the day we were at the doctors. Please understand and don’t blame Justy, we’re best friends, we aren’t lovers. I’m afraid I just don’t have the right equipment.” Angelina reached over and her hand found Justin’s. “Angel and I have talked it over.” Justin looked solemn. “You both know that I love Brian.” They laughed because his sketches and paintings were becoming legendary around the house with their never-ending theme of Brian Kinney. “I love Angelina too. Not of course in the same way, but I still love her. Angel wants to have the baby.” He held up his hand to stop the protests that had sprung to the lips of her father and grandmother. “She knows the risks and what it could mean to the time she has left, but it’s important to her to leave behind this child for all of us to remember her by.” He shook his head. “I have told her a thousand times, we would never forget her, but she insists.” “It’s important to Angel that she experiences everything a young woman would normally experience which is of course how we find ourselves in this predicament. I want your permission to marry her.” “Justin, you’re gay, it doesn’t make sense.” Tomas began only to be interrupted by his mother. “It isn’t about being gay or being straight, is it Justin?” Angelina’s grandmother asked. “It’s about your friend and your feelings for her. It’s about this baby having his parents wed. It’s about Angelina having her dream wedding and everything that goes with it before she is too weak to do anything.” She looked at her son. “You remember her mother, don’t you think her deserves to experience what she can of life. We can pray that this child she carries is a son and this heartbreak will stop as the disease is passed from mother to daughter.” Tomas sat in silence for a few moments regaining control of his emotions, for even though it had been many years since his beloved Maria had died, it was like yesterday with the pain he still felt in his heart. He looked at Justin holding his daughter’s hand and he knew how happy she was with the young artist from America. Certainly it was unconventional, but as Justin had refused to find a replacement how ever temporary for his Brian, no one on the island was aware that he was gay and sad as it may be, Justin and Angelina would not be married long. Tomas could not deny his daughter this part of life. “We will have the best wedding this island has ever seen. I will call my assistant in Athens to find a wedding planner. With enough money thrown in their direction, I’m sure we can be ready in six weeks. Is that alright with the two of you?” Justin beamed at him and Angelina stood and ran to her father, throwing her arms around his neck. “Thank you poppa, thank you.” She kissed his cheek over and over making him laugh. Her grandmother looked at Justin and smiled. “I’m sure that you never thought this day would come.” She said to him softly. :”I had always dreamed of being married” Justin answered her honestly, “But somehow I thought my partner would be taller, have hazel eyes, and be Brian.” He laughed. “Life sure is funny. I’ll have my wedding and I’ll have a son. Two out of three really isn’t all that bad.” He looked over at Angelina and her father and watched her chatting excitedly with him. “I’ll be good to her madam, you know that don’t you. She will never shed a tear from anything I do. I will be faithful to our vows as long as she is with us.” “I never doubted that for a moment my dear Justin. You have strength of will and you have honor. Angelina is lucky to have you in her life.” She looked thoughtful for a few moments. “I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. If you hadn’t come into our lives when you did, my darling Angelina would never have been this happy in the last years of her life. I want you to promise me something Justin.” She took his hand. “When everything is over and done and Angelina is with her mother. I want you to find your Brian and see if perhaps you and he still have a connection.” “Madam, I am sure Brian has long ago moved on with his life. If I do ever run into him in this lifetime, I will promise you this - I will talk with him. Other than that – I can promise nothing more. It hurts too much. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Meanwhile in Pittsburgh “Brian, Michael is here to see you. He says it’s important.” Cynthia smiled at Michael as she hung up the phone. “He is just finishing up with a client and said for you to wait in his office for him.” “Thanks Cynthia.” Michael walked into Brian’s office and took a chair in front of this desk. He sat and looked around, noticing a few of Justin’s paintings that Brian had been given by Jennifer Taylor when she sorted through Justin’s things before her last move. A picture of Brian with his arm around Justin that Daphne had taken at Justin’s prom stood in a silver frame on his desk. He picked it up and marveled once again at how happy and in love the two of the looked and how a few minutes after this picture was taken their lives turned to shit. “Hey Mikey” Brian said as he walked in the door. “I keep that around to remind me never to take any part of life for granted.” He nodded at the picture in Michael’s hand. Michael waited until Brian sat down before handing him an official looking envelope. The return address was a law firm in London England. He looked up at Michael questioning the envelope, his eyebrows raised. “Just read what’s inside. I thought you’d want to see it.” There was a bank draft in the amount of $3,000.00 US drawn on the main branch of the First National Bank in Pittsburgh. A letter clipped to it said. “Mr. Justin Taylor has instructed my firm to forward a bank draft in the amount of $3,000.00 US funds representing the initial loan of $2,000.00 including interest. Mr. Taylor has included the attached sealed envelope. Brian opened up the letter that Justin had written. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Michael: As you see, I’m still alive and finally able to repay you for your kindness. I know the ‘interest’ is more than you would want, but I think it’s fair because you did something for me out of the goodness of your heart even though you thought I was wrong. It’s taken me until now to be able to say this and maybe that’s because of things that are happening in my own life at the moment. I saw you and Brian a year or so ago in New York. The two of you were laughing and looked so happy together. I admit it was hard at first when I saw the two of you and I did have a few drama princess moments in private. But I realize something now. If you love someone, I mean really love someone, they way I love Brian, then you want the best of everything for that person. Brian chose you to be in his life. I want so desperately for him to be happy. I wish you both well. Your friend, Justin Taylor ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Angrily Brian brushed away a tear that escaped when he read about New York. “Fuck, I knew he was in New York.” He used all his control not to pick up whatever was handy and throw it across the room. “It must have been the last time we went together.” Michael said quietly. “Remember in the museum, we --- his voice trailed off as both he and Brian remembered they were laughing and joking for the first time in weeks. It had to have been that little scene that Justin had witnessed. “Can I keep the letters?” he asked Michael. “Sure, I thought you’d want to.” Michael said. He stood up. “I have to go.” He looked at his friend. Justin was right. When you really love someone, you want them to be happy no matter how much it hurt. Brian loved Justin and Justin loved Brian. He would give up anything he had to give Brian his heart’s desire. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An Island off the Coast of Greece – that same year “Angel, if this is too much for you, I’m sure madam will understand. We can have the priest come to the house tomorrow. It will but just the two of us and madam and your father.” Angelina lay on her large canopied bed, her face was pale and Justin could see that her lips were blue under the pink lipstick she’d applied. He moved to the top of the bed and lay down beside her, gathering her small body in his arms. “Justy, I really want my fairy tale wedding.” She looked at him and her eyes crinkled with laughter. “After all I have my very own fairy.” Justin pretended outrage. “Sorry Justy, I couldn’t resist.” She paused. “No I will have this wedding no matter what. It was my own fault. I should leave all the little chores to the others, I know that.” “Here’s the deal Angel” Justin began “If I find you in this state one more time before the wedding – I’m calling it off. No Justin equals no wedding.” He kissed the top of her head. “I’m serious Angel, you scared me and little Michael half to death.” He rubbed her tummy that already showed a bulge. “Little Michael appears to be growing like a small moose. I can’t believe I’m showing already.” Angelina scowled at her protruding tummy. “Maybe he takes after my father; he was a lot taller than me.” Justin suggested. “I just hope it is a Michael, a Michelle should be dainty and not so big.” “My gawd” Justin pretended surprise. “Are you saying that this queer, might have sired a female? Bite your tongue; you are the only female in my life.” “If I was in better shape, the doctor would send me to Athens for an ultrasound and then we would know for sure.” “After the wedding, when you have had time to calm down and rest for a few days, I will take you to Athens for the ultrasound. I have already made the appointment; it will depend on you and how you are feeling. Rest now sweetheart, you have a baby who needs his mommy feeling good.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ “Justy, I can’t fit into my gown. Your baby is becoming an elephant. It’s never going to come out of my body if this keeps up.” Angelina looked down at the white gown that lay across her lap. Justin laughed and kissed her. “Your wedding gown will fit Angel, you know the seamstress allowed for your expanding tummy.” He held out his hand. “This is the last time I see you today and no sneaking into my room tonight. I’ll be locking the door. The next time I see your pretty face, it will be when your father walks you down the aisle of the Cathedral.” “Are you going out tonight with poppa and all of the groomsmen?” Angelina asked. “I will be with them for an hour or two.” His blue eyes looked sad and he tried to hide his pain from his bride to be by turning suddenly and looking out the window. “I’m sorry Justy that I’m not your Brian. If I could put him in my place I would.” Angelina’s voice was low. “It’s me that should be sorry Angel. This is the night before your wedding. It should be a happy time and not one filled with my long face. I was remembering Brian, how handsome he looked the night of my Prom. We danced and it was magic. I could tell how much he loved me at that moment. The music came to an end and he declared his love for me in front of everyone with the way he’d danced and he sealed it with a kiss. We were so happy.” He looked over at his pretty bride to be. “Our lives sure take interesting turns.” “Is Brian the reason why you won’t have a Best Man?” Angelina had been afraid to ask this question, though she’d thought of it often. “Partly” Justin shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. Tomorrow is your day to shine. You and Michael go back to bed and rest.” “Michelle you mean” she teased. “Not a chance.” Justin laughed as he walked out of the room. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ “I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry.” A mantra Justin was saying over and over in his head as he stood at the front of the Cathedral waiting for his bride to be to appear. He kept looking out into the audience filled with family and friends of Angelina and seeing Debbie and Vic, perhaps Emmett and Ted. His parents and grandparents, everyone from Pittsburgh, he would blink and they would all be gone leaving a two hundred and fifty strangers smiling back at him. Finally the music they had chosen began and the audience stood as one, the rear doors opened and Angelina, a vision in white drifted down the aisle on her father’s arm. She looked almost ethereal, she was so pale hidden behind the yards of veiling and now Justin did cry as he watched his friend move closer to him. He cried for her and the short life time she had left and he cried for himself and what he didn’t and would never have. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ At the same time in Pittsburgh (6 hours different) Brian woke up suddenly, he looked at the clock beside his bed, it was almost eleven. He looked at Justin’s picture that sat on the table beside the bed and for some reason he began to cry. A feeling of loss, worse than usual surrounded the older man and felt like a door to part of his life had shut forever. It was almost twenty minutes before he could get himself under control enough to head for the shower. The rest of his day was spent alone in the loft. He refused to answer the phone or the door, preferring a solitary few hours to learn to accept the loss of Justin once and for all.