Always and Forever Part 2 Written to answer the question of the more than one hundred readers who wrote and asked about the boys once the dance was over. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first few notes were all that was necessary for Justin to know that “their” song was the one Elton was going to play. He couldn’t help but smile as the memories that never really left came flooding back. The screens at the rear of the stage had bigger than life size pictures of the waltz that had sealed his fate and his eyes grew misty. He was trying to control his emotions as best he could, he knew the television cameras would be on him when a jolt of heat, almost like lightning hit him in the stomach. Brian, Brian was close. He turned slowly afraid that what he was feeling was untrue, if that happened, if the connection that he’d always had with Brian was faulty, then his life just wasn’t worth living anymore. The warm hazel eyes locked with his immediately and in two strides Brian is standing in front of him. Rather than start the song at the beginning Elton starts with ‘Baby don’t you know I love you so, Can’t you feel it when we touch? I will never never let you go ‘cause I love you oh so much.” Elton goes back to the beginning of the song and continues to play. Brian, never taking his eyes away says “Always and forever, do you still love me?” Justin didn’t trust himself to speak so he gave a small nod and let Brian place the scarf around his neck then take him in his arms and dance flawlessly around the stage, completely oblivious to the audience. While family, friends and the rest of the television world watched - the two men danced lost in the past. Brian was able to dance them to the side curtains of the stage just as the song ended and they exited the stage to a thunderous applause. Justin stopped abruptly as soon as they were away from the public view. “Fuck off Brian” he spat as looked directly into the bewildered hazel eyes. He ran toward the rear exit of the building, his tears blinding his view, he didn’t care where he would end up; he just had to get away. Brian stood stunned for a moment. This isn’t what he’d expected. He heard a door slam and he knew it was Justin leaving the building. Without thinking he ran in the direction that Justin had fled. Brian burst through the heavy exit door and looked left and right for a sign of the man he loved. He couldn’t see a thing. The street was completely empty except for a huddled mass half way down in a doorway. At first, as Brian approached he thought it was a street person, keeping close to the building for shelter but when he came closer he could hear the heart wrenching sobs and see the person shaking uncontrollably. “Justin?” Brian said softly “Justin, baby” he put his hand out to touch Justin’s shoulder only to have it pull away. “Come on baby, please don’t cry, you’re breaking my heart.” He sat down in the doorway beside Justin and put his arm around the quaking shoulders holding the stiff body until gradually, the stiffness began to disappear and Justin allowed himself to be pulled into the comforting embrace of the man he loved. “You fucking don’t have a heart to break” Justin said his voice raw with emotion “You left me you selfish son of a bitch, you left me. I wanted to die. I WAS dead. I could walk and talk and even draw, but I was dead.” “Justin, I’m so sorry, you have no idea how sorry Iam. I looked everywhere for you for years. I thought I’d be able to trace the paintings you sent, but I couldn’t even do that.” Brian managed to lever Justin until he was in his lap. He held onto him like a child while Justin cried. “I was a selfish prick. I know that and I’ve paid a thousand times over. Every moment of every day that you were gone from my life has been filled with an ache that never leaves me.” Justin’s head was tucked under Brian’s chin and Brian could smell that familiar Justin smell of herbal shampoo. A smell that for the past six years would bring tears to his eyes each and every time he’d encounter it. Justin heard the words that Brian spoke. He heard them with his head and with his heart but the wound was still so raw. Even after six years, six years when he was sure that he had put behind the hurt of Brian leaving him, that he could handle it, the hurt was as bad as the day he left the loft when he saw him standing on that stage. “Will you come with me baby?” Brian asked. “We need to spend some time alone.” He looked around “In a spot better than the doorway on a street of New York.” He didn’t want to even move. He wanted Brian to go away and leave him alone, just vanish like a Star Trek movie. But he didn’t have the strength to argue. Six years of running, of working and rarely sleeping were suddenly catching up with him. The strong arms that were holding him were slowing him down, bringing reality back into his life. He nodded his acceptance and let Brian stand him up then with Brian’s arm around him allowed himself to be led around to the front of the hotel and into the back seat of a limousine. Brian had a quick talk with the driver then got in with Justin. He looked at the young man who was now twenty four years old, yet looked about fourteen scrunched into the corner of the plush car and it was only then that the realization of what he’d done to Justin all those years ago became truly apparent. Brian reached his long arms over and pulled Justin closer. There was a token resistance but Justin let himself be held. The smell of Brian had changed, gone was the cigarette and whiskey smell, but his skin still had the scent of the expensive French milled soap he used along with a hint of the exotic cologne that Brian had favored. He let the familiar and never to be forgotten heart beat sing a lullaby to his brain and he felt himself melting closer, not wanting to forgive just yet but being unable to stop his body from relaxing in the safety of Brian’s arms. For the first time in slightly more than six years Justin fell into a deep and relaxed sleep. Not his usual restless nap, but a deep healing sleep. Brian held him close until he could tell from the regular breathing that Justin had fallen asleep. He reached across and pulled a cashmere throw that had been folded on the seat in front of him and put it over the sleeping man, cocooning him in the soft folds. He moved Justin until his head was on his lap. He let his hand rub comforting circles on Justin’s shoulders and back as the car quietly sped down the road then turned onto the freeway. It was only then that Brian let himself relax for a moment. He was taking Justin back to Pittsburgh. The drive was long, but should be relatively uneventful. They needed some time to themselves to regroup and find out just where there wanted to be in each other’s lives. Vibrating from Justin’s suit pocket alerted Brian to the fact that Justin’s cell phone was on. He pulled it out and answered the phone. “Hello.” “Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong number” a young voice said. “Who are you calling?” “BK, I’m calling for BK” Brian wasn’t sure what to say but then “He’s sleeping right now; this is Brian, his partner,” well he wanted to be his partner “can I help?” It was the first of many phone calls that Brian fielded that night as the car sped toward their destiny. Each call was unique, and Brian began to get a feel for what Justin had been doing. He had calls from all over Canada and the United States. Calls with problems to be solved, calls with news of accomplishments and calls from young men who just wanted to touch base and say thank you to Justin for caring but as they drew closer to Pittsburgh the last call was the one that astonished him the most. “Hello” Brian was wondering by now if these calls ever stopped. He didn’t realize that Justin rarely slept and when he did he was always able to wake up and take each call. Once in awhile he had the calls forwarded to a trusted friend, but generally he was the one to talk to each and every one of the boys who called. “Daddy, is that you?” a hesitant voice asked. “Gus?” Brian was surprised “How come you’re calling Justin in the middle of the night?” “I had a bad dream. I always call Justin when I have a bad dream. He said I could.” “Where are your moms?” “Sleeping” Gus hesitated “Can I talk to Justin now Daddy?” “He’s sleeping right now Sonny Boy, why don’t you talk to me?” “Justin loves me and makes the bad dreams go away. I love you Daddy, but I don’t really get to see you much and and –“Gus didn’t want to hurt his father’s feelings. “You’re kind of scary sometime” Brian didn’t know what to say. Gus thought he was scary? Admittedly he rarely saw his son since he moved to San Diego, but still he did visit three times a year. “But Gus honey, you haven’t seen Justin since you were a baby?” “Yes I have, I see him lots, we talk on the computer and we have a camera and everything. He lets me talk to him while he’s painting his pictures and he tells me stories about a handsome Prince who lives far away. My moms say I need ‘a positive male role model in my life’” he made is voice imitate Melanie’s. “Did you know that Justin was there the night I was born? He even named me. He said he loved me from the minute he saw me. He said that you loved me when you saw me too. Is that true Daddy?” Brian’s voice was gruff with emotion but he managed to say “I loved you from the minute I saw you, Justin is right.” “How come you never tell me you love me then? Justin tells me he loves me all the time.” “I thought you knew I loved you Gus.” “Sometimes Daddy, kids need to hear the words. Justin said that the words aren’t really important but that they are like chocolate.” “Saying I love you is like chocolate?” “Yeah, chocolate isn’t important for you to be strong and healthy, but it makes you feel good to have it melting in your mouth. So the words I love you aren’t important to be strong and healthy either, but they make you feel good inside, like chocolate does.” “Justin’s pretty smart” “He’s my very best friend. I can tell him anything and he never gets mad at me. Sometimes my moms don’t really understand boy things.” “You aren’t old enough to have problems Gus you’re only seven years old.” “I’m almost eight years old Daddy and I have lots of boy problems. You wouldn’t understand.” Gus sounded sad. Brian sighed, maybe he wouldn’t understand. It had been a long time since he was almost eight years old and he’d never had to live in a house with two dykes for mothers. “I might Gus, if you wanted to talk about things, I might understand.” “Ok then, did you know that Justin loves you and it makes me sad when he looks at your picture ‘cause he has sad eyes.” “I didn’t know that Gus” “Yeah, when we talk and he’s sitting at his desk, your picture is beside the computer and sometimes he looks at it when we’re talking.” He sighed “I wish Justin didn’t have sad eyes. I have a picture in my room with you and Justin, you are standing behind him and it looks like you are whispering in his ear. He has happy, happy, happy eyes.” Gus giggled “It’s kind of cool talking to my very own daddy on the phone. The kids in my class are never going to believe it. They think you are a ‘figment of my imagination’ that’s what Brenda Ross said, she’s a stupid girl.” “I kind of like talking to you Gus. I guess you’re growing up.” “I’m the tallest kid in my class. Momma says it’s in my genes whatever that means. Did you know that Justin is moving here? To my very own city, he’s going to buy a house and everything. He said he’d even let me have my own room so I can have sleep overs and he said I can have friends sleep over too. My moms said it was ok. I bet he’d let you sleep over if you ever come to visit. Do you think he’d let me have a cat? I want a cat. Mom hates cats but I like them. I asked him and he said he’d think about it. When Mom says that it means no, but I’m not so sure about Justin. Hey Daddy, could you ask him. Mom says Justin would do just about anything for you. You could tell him that every boy should have their very own cat.” “I didn’t have a cat Gus when I was almost eight.” “Yeah, but I bet you wanted one. I bet if you’d had a cat to sleep with when you were a kid then you would let your own kid sleep with you now. Kids are sort of like cats. We like to sleep with daddys. Mom said you used to let me sleep at your house but now you live too far away and have a bad lifestyle. What’s a lifestyle?” Brian laughed, Gus was as bad as Justin used to be once he was on the phone. “Hey Sonny Boy, I like talking to you. Are you feeling better now? The dream all gone?” “Yep, all gone. I like talking to you to daddy. How come you answered Justin’s phone. He might get mad at you for touching his stuff.” “He won’t get mad, he’s sleeping and was too tired to wake up. But I have a surprise for you. Do you like surprises or are boys who are almost eight too old for surprises?” “Surprises are my favorite thing. Justin gives me surprises lots of times. I didn’t know that daddy’s give surprises.” “Some daddy’s are slow learners. There should be a special class for slow learner daddies in daddy school.” He was rewarded with a giggle from Gus. “Justin and I will come and visit you in two days. We’ll do something together, just the three of us men.” “We could get a cat.” “Don’t push it Sonny Boy.” Brian teased. “Time to go back to bed.” “Nite Daddy, I love you.” Gus said. “Good night Sonny Boy, I love you too.” Brian disconnected. He had thought that the trip from New York to Pittsburgh would be boring but instead it had been one learning experience after another. The conversation he’d had with his son was the longest one he’d ever had. For that matter it was longer than any conversation he’d ever had with his own father. I felt good. His hand unconsciously continued to stroke Justin. He leaned his head back in the seat and shut his eyes. They’d be in Pittsburgh in another hour. It was time to do some serious thinking about what he wanted out of life. In the past few months he’d come to realize that Justin was necessary for him to truly be the man he’d like to be. It was only the blonde that allowed him to be whole. The entire time they were apart, it was like something was missing from his life. Certainly he could continue the way he had been. He made enough money, had a great house, good job. He even dated occasionally but it wasn’t enough and no matter how perfect some of the men he’d met were. None of them were Justin. So many times when he’d been on the verge of sleep, or orgasm or waking up in the morning he’d call out Justin’s name. Now he had found him and he didn’t want to let him go. He wanted to hold him in his arms forever. But the whole time that he had been working on his demons, Justin had to deal with his own demons. He had been so selfish thinking that he had to work things out, he had to feel right in the, dare he say it, relationship. What about Justin? What did he expect that Justin was supposed to have been doing while he grew up? And Gus, he loved the boy, but he never told him that. Gus who was his pride and joy thought of him as scary. And how could he not. He left his life when he was only three and except for occasional visits that’s all he saw him. Elaborate presents at Christmas and on his birthday didn’t make him a father. Justin had been more of a father to him. It was Justin his own son turned to when he had a bad dream or when he needed to talk. It should make him jealous, knowing that Justin had taken his place in Gus’s life but it didn’t. He knew why Justin had done it and he bet that Justin had always had good things to say about him. He looked down at the man he loved sleeping so peacefully. How could Justin be so unselfish as to try and protect him from losing his son? This young man who had known from the day Gus was born that his son was the love of his life. He’d been there for Gus, standing in for him, being the father that Gus should have had and constantly letting Gus know that he was loved and by both of them. It was almost dawn when the long black car pulled up in front of the loft on Treamont. He looked out the window at it. Nothing appeared to have changed. It would be the first time in almost six years for him to walk through those doors. He’d always stayed in a hotel each time he’d come back to visit. The cavernous loft room had been haunted by the laughter and tears of this blonde sleeping on his lap. He couldn’t bear to sell it though. At first it was because he didn’t know where Justin was. He didn’t want him coming home to find his home gone, sold to strangers. And then later, when he realized that Justin would probably never be coming home he couldn’t sell it because that’s where he’d been happy, the only place he’d been happy for such a short time. It seemed somehow wrong to sell the one place where he’d learned the meaning of love and happiness. He knew it would be ready for them. He still employed the same cleaning service and he had called them the day before hoping that he’d be able to persuade Justin to return here with him for a few days. He’d even had them stock up on some of Justin’s favorite foods. He let his hand wander over the sleeping body. Justin was so thin. He could feel his ribs through his shirt. Why hadn’t he been eating? That had never been a problem with Justin before. Is he sick? He tried to wake Justin. “Hey Justin, baby wake up.” He shook his shoulder. Justin responded by burying his face into Brian’s lap which of course had immediate consequences of Brian’s cock leaping to life. Not what was needed at this time. Justin must be exhausted to sleep so deeply. He was always hard to wake up, but he’d never been this difficult. The chauffer stood with the door open. Brian handed him his keys. “Look, I’m going to carry him up. He’s not going to be coherent anyway. Could you get the door and the elevator?” “Sure” the chauffer said. “I know Mr. Driemer, I drive him a lot when he’s in New York. He likes to drive around most of the night. I’ve never known him to sleep. I always thought he looked kind of – I don’t know – kind of haunted. He wouldn’t go to any of the clubs or anything. Just wanted to drive around, said it helped him to relax.” He looked at Justin. “I always felt kind of sorry for him. Here’s this guy, more money than God, and so unhappy it hurt to look at him. I’ve known him for a few years and I’ve never once seen him smile.” “Yes, well, we’re going to change that, aren’t we Sunshine?” he bent and kissed Justin’s hair. It took some maneuvering, but between the two of them Justin was soon in Brian’s arms and in the elevator heading for the loft. Brian was amazed at how little Justin weighed. He was lighter than the weights Brian regularly bench pressed at the gym. When they reached the loft Brian gave the code to the chauffer and together they managed to get Justin inside. They went into the bedroom, the chauffer looked impressed at the set up but said nothing as he folded back the midnight blue velvet duvet. Brian lay Justin down on his side of the bed and removed his shoes. He looked up and saw the chauffer watching with interest. “Here, this is for all the extra stuff” Brian reached into his wallet and handed the man some money. There’s a reservation for you at the Delta, get some sleep before heading back.” “Look, man, if you don’t mind I’d rather stay until Mr. Driemer is ready to go back. I could drive you anywhere you guys need to go this weekend.” “Why would you do that?” Brian asked puzzled. “Mr. Driemer helped a friend of mine out of something that could have turned out bad, real bad. He wouldn’t take anything for it. Look, the car is my own; I’m a one man band. If Mr. Driemer says to go back then I will, but until then, I’m staying.” “I’m not going to hurt him.” Brian said. “You might not think you’re hurting him Mr. Kinney, but in those hours we spent driving around all night, Mr. Driemer talked a lot to me. I know what happened to him and I know why. He’s pretty strong in lots of ways, I mean you couldn’t ask for anyone better to stand behind you and support you. The press, they don’t even know half of what Mr. Driemer’s done. He wants it that way. But on a personal level, well, he’s fragile. If Rosie hadn’t found him the night he left Pittsburgh he would have died. He told me all about it.” “But that was a long time ago.” Brian paused to look at his sleeping blonde. “A lot’s happened in his life, he’s accomplished so much, and maybe more than he would have had he stayed.” “You really think that a young man of twenty four, who wears only black, who only goes out at night, who never and I mean never smiles with his eyes and one who has never even gone out on a date for a coffee, is normal emotionally?” the chauffer laughed. “Mr. Driemer has more of an intimate relationship with me and there’s half a car separating us.” “At least give me twenty four hours with him.” Brian said. “I’ll call you at your hotel tomorrow about this time and let you know what’s happening.” The chauffer left and Brian locked up behind him. He felt the weight of what he’d done six years ago resting heavily on his shoulders. Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea. Maybe he should have left well enough alone. Justin had been getting his life together and he would have eventually moved on and away from the memories of Brian. He went back into the bedroom and carefully removed Justin’s clothes, leaving only his underwear. He was shocked at how much weight Justin had lost. He covered him up and couldn’t resist placing a kiss on his lips. Justin almost smiled in his sleep as he snuggled down further into the warm covers. Brian took his own clothes off and grabbed a blanket. He’d sleep on the sofa. He sat there on the sofa for almost an hour but the siren call of the soft breathing in the next room proved too much and he stalked up to the room and slipped between the cool sheets. Almost immediately Justin moved over winding his arms and legs around Brian holding him tight, moving so Brian’s arm slipped over his shoulders, resting his head on Brian’s chest in the familiar position that Brian had ached to feel and thought he never would again. Justin hadn’t even changed his breathing pattern; he was sound asleep and before long Brian was too. Twice during the day Justin got up long enough to find the bathroom and relieve his bladder, both times Brian was about to speak and realized at the last moment that Justin was working on auto pilot and was still sleeping. He couldn’t help but smile remembering how when Justin had first done this little trick he’d been sure Justin was awake only to find a very pissed Justin when he tried to get him to communicate and actually woke him up. Each time he came back to the bed he resumed his favorite position of using Brian as a body pillow. And to Brian it felt good. It felt right to have the blonde back in his arms. Justin had been sleeping for more than sixteen hours when Brian noticed him begin to stir into wakefulness. Brian himself had been up for hours and only to return to bed again when his arms began to feel empty. He tightened his hold on Justin and turned slightly so that when the blue eyes opened they looked directly into amused hazel ones. “Brian?” Justin said puzzled. He didn’t move but let his eyes drift over the old familiar blue lights, the dresser with the bowl of condoms. “Am I really here?” he asked. “If you mean are you in the loft and in my arms and in our bed, then yes you are really here.” “Our bed?” “Don’t miss much do you Sunshine?” Brian grinned and kissed the end of Justin’s nose. “But you went away.” “We both went away Baby and now we’re back” Brian looked directly at Justin. “I grew up.” He blinked back sudden tears “I don’t deserve another chance. I know it. And if you say no, I’ll try and understand. But I love you; I guess I’ve always loved you. I want you in my life, always and forever baby, always and forever.” “I’m not the same boy I was six years ago Brian. I’ve grown and changed. I love you, I always have and I always will, but I know I can live without you now. It’s painful and the hurt never goes away, but I can live. I almost didn’t you know. I’m afraid Brian; the pain was the worst I’ve ever felt, worse than Chris Hobbs could ever inflict. I don’t want to have to do it again.” “Justin, have I ever broken a promise to you or anyone that you know of?” “No.” “Well, I promise that I’ll never leave you again. I can’t promise we won’t have some rough times, but I’ll never leave.” He let his fingers caress the contours of Justin’s face “You believe me don’t you baby?” “I’d like to Brian” Justin closed his eyes but rather than pulling away from the safe arms he snuggled in closer. He heard Brian sigh with contentment and he understood the feeling. He was safe for the first time in six years. They lay together like that for a long time, each one lost in silent thoughts. Brian couldn’t let go and neither could Justin until finally “I’m hungry Brian.” Justin said and realized, yes he was hungry, he hadn’t been hungry for so long he’d forgotten how it felt. He’d only eaten when someone had forced him or faintness overtook him. Now he was ravenous he wanted everything, pizza, Thai, Chinese, Italian he wanted lattes and hot chocolate. He wanted the tastes and textures and smells of all his favorite foods. He was coming alive again. It was new and exciting and wonderful, Christmas and birthday feelings all wrapped up at once. He sat up and looked at Brian “I’m hungry Brian, I’m really hungry.” And he smiled, his eyes lit up and his mouth widened in an almost forgotten Sunshine smile. “I’m really, really hungry” and he laughed and so did Brian. “Alright already, I get it, you’re hungry.” Brian grumbled “can we at least have a shower before you empty the refrigerator?” “A fast one then” Justin said already pulling open the shower doors like he’d been there doing that very thing the morning before instead of more than six years ago. He started the water adjusting it the way Brian liked. “Hurry up Brian,” he called. Brian had been waiting for Justin to finish and was surprised when he was invited. He didn’t need to be invited twice. The shower walls were steaming up nicely when he stepped in. He ducked his head under the water, his eyes shut when he felt strong fingers begin to massage shampoo into his hair. His eyes filled with tears, he was glad the water would disguise his raw emotion at having his love back. He turned to rinse his hair and picked up the soap, soaping Justin’s body while Justin did his, the familiar time saving moves that were so achingly familiar yet so part of what they had been were automatic. He felt his cock turn to rock with each touch of Justin’s hands on his body. He turned away self conscious afraid to look at Justin. He didn’t want to force himself on the young man. He didn’t want to revert to using sex rather than words. Words were important to Justin and he needed to say them as much as Justin needed to hear them. Justin began to soap Brian’s legs. He knew what Brian was doing and he loved him for it. He knew what kind of control this sexual man was using in order to be the kind of man he thought Justin wanted. But Justin wanted Brian Kinney, king of Liberty Ave. Brian Kinney of the lust filled hazel eyes. The Brian Kinney he fell in love with so long ago. He didn’t want him to compromise himself one bit. He only wanted him to admit that he loved him. And he had - so Justin slowly and sensually soaped Brian’s legs, letting his hands smooth the soap higher and higher. He smiled when he heard a soft groan escape Brian’s lips. He looked up; Brian still had his eyes closed. So he did what he’d been dreaming of doing for so long. He fell to his knees and let his mouth close over the end of Brian’s cock. Brian inhaled almost choking on the water that was cascading down over his face. Justin began to let his lips trace the length of Brian’s cock stopping only to flick his tongue on the end and just under the head in that special sensitive spot Brian had. “Juuuustin” Brian breathed and his hands cupped Justin’s head. Justin pulled the cock into his mouth increasing the suction and at the same time began to let his fingers rub Brian’s hole. “Justin, stop, I can’t hold on, Justin Justin, JUSTIN” Brian screamed as the powerful orgasm ripped through his body. Justin felt the hot cum shoot down his throat. Brian’s knees began to tremble and for the first time in his life after a blow job he felt his knees give out and he ended up on the floor of the shower facing Justin who looked at him then licked his lips. “I told you I was hungry” Justin said. The he put his hand on the back of Brian’s head and pulled him down for a kiss that tasted of cum and spoke of love. And once again Brian was thankful for the shower water blending with his tears. Justin got to his feet and held his hand out for Brian to get up. “Come on old man. I’m starving, that was only an appetizer.” He slapped Brian’s butt and stepped out of the shower grabbing a towel and throwing one to Brian. He turned his back expecting Brian to dry it like he used to and Brian found himself falling into their old routine like nothing had ever happened. Justin turned back facing Brian and ran a finger across Brian’s lips and down his chin. “More than yesterday, less than tomorrow” he whispered then walked into the bedroom. He hated to put on his suit from yesterday and opened one of his old drawers surprised to find that his clothes were still there. He slipped on a pair of cargo pants, he did them up and they immediately slipped down over his hips. When did he lose so much weight? He looked in his shirt drawer and picked out his favorite orange tee. He never even reached for the black one sitting on top. The formerly tight tee shirt was almost baggy. He shrugged at the size but headed for the kitchen. He was ravenous. Brian stood in the bathroom for a few moments letting Justin’s words repeat over and over. He picked up the wet towel, some things never changed that was for sure. But he’d pick up a million wet towels without complaint if they were left by Justin. The words Justin had whispered were so true. He did love Justin more than yesterday and he loved him less than he would tomorrow. He had to smile to himself at the absurdity of everything that had happened. His step was light by the time he’d shaved and pulled on some of his old clothes. He looked down at his jeans, pleased that they still fit. “Hey, is that coffee?” he asked. His bare feet taking him over to the counter where a smiling Justin poured him a coffee, he leaned over the counter and Justin kissed him quickly another tradition rekindled. “Breakfast is almost ready.” Justin beamed at him. “Justin, its supper time” “Not here.” He looked around “time has obviously stopped here so it can be any time we want.” Brian looked around at the loft and realized that Justin was right. Time had stopped, it had stopped when he left Justin behind. “After you left I couldn’t stay here. I tried for a few weeks then your mom made me go back to San Diego. She said you wouldn’t have wanted me to stay and let everything I had built there go.” He looked into the blue eyes. “Was she right Justin, did you want me to go back to San Diego?” “I wanted you to be the best you could be Brian. I wanted you to be happy and you seemed to be happy in San Diego.” He looked around the loft. “This place meant so much to me and I tried, I really did try to live here without you. I wanted you to be proud of me for doing it on my own. But it was like I was empty inside. Then one day I realized that you were never going to come back. That it didn’t matter how much or how long I loved you, it wasn’t going to change. At first it was sort of like a small grey fog was stealing over my body and every day that grey fog moved a bit higher and the part of Justin that it covered was gone. That last day that you called, well, the fog had taken all of me away but my one hand, when I picked up the phone to talk then that hand disappeared. So I wasn’t there any more. I started to walk, more like drift, I couldn’t feel my feet and hours and hours later I was sitting in a warm car with Rosie.” He wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. “You would have liked Rosie. When she died she had put so much of herself into me that it’s like she is still here with me.” As soon as Justin said the words he felt the brush of her lips against his cheek and the heady fragrance of Givenchey’s Organza filled his head. He laughed knowing that she was happy for him. He looked at Brian and laughed again at the puzzled look he had on his face while his nose twitched from the unfamiliar perfume. “Your friend is dead and you can laugh?” Brian asked “She’s with her Robert and she’s still watching over me. She wants me happy and I am now.” He smiled shyly at Brian. “I’ll never forget her Brian; she’ll always be with me. That’s what loving someone is like. Death is only a step forward.” Justin had been busy setting the table while they talked. “Now come and sit down. Breakfast is ready.” “A candle lit breakfast Justin?” Brian smiled at the site of the beautifully set table. He held Justin’s chair for him while he sat then leaned down and kissed his hair. He walked over to the other end of the table where his place was set. “Sorry baby, no can do.” Justin felt a lurch of disappointment then smiled. Brian was moving his place setting up to be beside Justin. “If I must eat carbs so late in the day then it’s going to be close to you Baby. I want to be able to touch you.” He said. He sat down and studied his plate. “It’s been a long time since I had this.” He found it hard to swallow with the lump in his throat. “I’ve missed you so much Justin.” Justin covered Brian’s hand with his own. “This is going to be my last breakfast at this time of the day. I’ve spent years living in the dark and it’s time for me to live again in sunlight. I want to live in the daylight with you Brian. I want you to become part of my life again. I’m hoping that it’s what you want as well.” He smiled his sunshine smile. “Lets not think of what we’ve missed or what might have been. Let’s start our lives together from this moment on. No matter what happens. We’ll work on it day by day, moment by moment and who knows, in fifty or sixty years we might have it worked out.” He let his fingers give Brian’s hand a squeeze of reassurance. “Deal” he asked. “Deal” Brain said. He turned over Justin’s hand and raised it to his lips, kissing the palm gently. “It’s not going to be easy Sunshine.” “But I’m hoping it’ll be fun.” “Oh we’ll have good times, I’m sure of that.” Brian began to eat his blueberry waffles. The next hour was spent talking and sharing pieces of their lives and breakfast. Justin would feed Brian a bit of waffle and Brian would feed him a bigger bit. He wanted Justin to get back that padding that made him so nice to cuddle. It ended with Justin sitting on Brian’s knee, his head on his shoulder full and content. “Brian, we have to clean up now.” “Can’t, I’m holding the man I love.” Justin giggled. “It’ll drive you nuts thinking about the kitchen not cleaned up.” “That was the old Brian Kinney; the new Brian Kinney wants to hold the man he loves. He has to make up for lost time.” Justin hopped off his lap “No excuses, no regrets Brian.” He leaned over and kissed him. “I’ll wash, you dry.” “How come you always get to wash?” Brian asked taking up the old argument. “Because I’m faster than you, cuter than you and younger than you,” Justin recited his lines like a pro. “Brat” Brian said, but got up from his chair and began to clear the table. This felt so good. What a self-centered asshole he was to throw it away. Clean up didn’t take long. The routine was familiar but this time it was more fun. There was more talking about themselves. Brian found out just how involved Justin was with his Sunshine Houses and as the evening progressed he realized a depth of Justin that he’d never known before. How much caring and compassion this young man had for others. It made him feel small by comparison. They were on the sofa, Brian lying on his back, his head in Justin’s lap. Justin letting his fingers comb through Brian’s soft silky hair while they talked. “That was you that did the video game?” Brian asked. It and four other’s with the same Super Gus character where favorites of his son’s. He’d had no idea it was Justin’s game. “It was for school Brian, no big deal.” “Jeeze Justin, how many millions have sold? I mean it’s the top selling game for kids eight and under.” “Beats me. A bunch I guess. I don’t really pay much attention to it Brian. It’s just money and Ted looks after that for me. It helps pay for the Sunshine Houses. It all goes into the Sunshine Foundation oh and the trust for Gus, it’s not like I actually spend it.” “Ted looks after your money? He’s known where you were all this time?” Brian was starting to get pissed. Ted knew how badly he’d wanted to find Justin. “Calm down Brian. First of all no Ted doesn’t look after all my money. I have a firm of accountants in Vancouver who do that. Ted looks after only the money from the games. He actually does it Pro Bono for the Sunshine Foundation, so don’t mention that you know about it. He doesn’t like anyone to know that he’s doing something for free, you know Ted. And he didn’t know where I was, only Melanie knew that and she’s under lawyer/client confidentiality rules so don’t get pissed with her.” Brian lay still for a few minutes to digest this latest piece of information. “What trust for Gus?” he asked. Justin looked embarrassed. “I kind of have a relationship with Gus Brian. Sort of like a long distance Uncle. When I realized what kind of money was being pulled in from this game that I’d made for him I figured it was only fair that he reap some of the benefits. After all there would be no game if it wasn’t for him.” He sighed and looked into the distance. “I used to pretend he was our son. We were his two dad’s.” he looked at Brian “Silly wasn’t it?” “No it isn’t silly. I talked to Gus in the middle of the night while we were driving here. He really loves you a lot. I didn’t know he had nightmares or that he wanted to talk guy talk.” He looked up at Justin. “I guess that makes me a pretty lame father. I understand from him that you’ve been covering for me.” “I’ve only told him the truth Brian. You may think you’re a hard ass, but you aren’t. I’ve always known that. I wanted to make sure that Gus knew it. I know Melanie doesn’t mean to but she really isn’t your biggest fan. I think she’s always been jealous of the thing you and Lindsey had at one time. I didn’t want Gus to grow up with anything that Melanie might say being the dominant thought of his Dad.” He smiled at Brian and kissed his forehead, their hands were now laced together. “I wasn’t trying to take your place. I only wanted Gus to know the real Brian Kinney. It’s important for a kid to have a father to look up to.” “Is it? I never had a father to look up to and I survived.” Brian shut his eyes remembering his childhood. No, Jack Kinney was not someone that would be elected Father of the Year that was for sure. “Did you want that for Gus Brian?” Justin asked his voice quiet. “I’ve never thought of it Justin, but no, I wouldn’t want Gus to have the kind of childhood that I had. Do you think he really even knows me, let alone loves me?” Brian had to ask. The conversation he’d had with Gus during the drive to Pittsburgh repeated itself in his brain. “There’s no question of that Brian. Are we going to see Gus while we’re here?” “I told him we would. I was hoping you’d say yes.” Brian kissed Justin’s hand then looked up at him. “He tells me you’re moving back here. That you plan on buying a house and giving him his own room for when he visits.” Justin laughed. “I’ve already bought the house Brian. If you hadn’t kidnapped me and brought me here this weekend I was coming anyway. In fact my assistant told me it was all ready. She was down last week putting the final touches to it, stocking the fridge and freezer and making sure everything was ready for Gus’s surprise.” “You bought a house, then that’s it, I guess you and I won’t ---- Brian couldn’t continue. His hopes and dreams that he’d been building for himself had all of a sudden come to a halt. He kept his eyes shut holding back the rush of emotion he felt. He sat up only to have Justin pull him into his arms. “You and I won’t what Brian?” Justin asked. “I don’t know, don’t worry about it, I was living in a fag dream world. I know better.” It was times like this that Brian wished he still smoked or could allow himself to numb his emotions with Jim Beam. “You must be thinking I’ve been pretty stupid. Keeping the loft like something out of some sappy romance novel, not moving on with my life, finding someone else to love. Finding you again and thinking life would start over, you and I together like nothing’s ever happened. Justin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Brian Kinney admitting to romantic dreams just like the rest of the world. He moved over and sat straddling Brian’s legs facing him. He put his hands on either side of Brian’s head and turned the beautiful face to his. “Brian Andrew Kinney, are you telling me that you want us to be a couple, to be together, always and forever.” “I thought you knew that Justin. I told you earlier how I felt.” “You told me that you loved me. But Brian, I always knew you loved me. You never said the words but I knew you loved me. That didn’t mean that you wanted me to be your partner. You loved me and wanted me when it was convenient for us to be together. We were fuck buddies.” “We were more than that Justin and you know it.” “Of course I know it; I just didn’t think that you knew it.” “What do you want to do?” Brian let his arms circle Justin. “I want you to sell the loft. It’s time for you and I both to move on from this place. I want you to come see my house and if you like it than it will be our house, I’ll have the title changed. You have your business in San Diego and I have things happening all over Canada and the United States with Sunshine House and my three Art Galleries. But I needed a home base. I was tired of traveling. The Sunshine Foundation has a board of directors that runs the houses and I only need to oversee it so that my dreams for it don’t get side stepped. I have great managers in my Galleries and visit once in a while. I needed a place to paint and I needed to be near Gus. He’s getting to be an age where guy things are becoming more important.” He put his head on Brian’s shoulder. “We can have two places, San Diego and Pittsburgh. It won’t always be easy, but we can do it and think of the reunion sex we can have. When Gus is older I can move down with you and close up the Pittsburgh place. Then Gus can do all the traveling, let us old guys stay home.” “Sounds to me like you’ve put some thought into this Sunshine,” Brian smiled “I’m not just a pretty little twink anymore Brian. I have a brain and I use it.” Brian looked deep into Justin’s eyes. “I never thought you weren’t smart Justin. But I want you to be very sure about what you are suggesting. We’ll never be living in a rose covered cottage. My company is important to me; I’ve worked hard to make it what is today. But if it meant not seeing you, than it’s gone, because I’ve realized in the last few years that all the money in the world is valueless without the person you love sharing it. I can always move it to the Pitts or where ever else you’d be happy.” “Seal it with a kiss” Justin teased. “This is serious Justin” Brian was trying to be serious but the laughter in the blue eyes looking into his wasn’t helping him. “Brian, I’ve been serious for too long. When you appeared out of now where last night, was it just last night, it was like some weird dream sequence. I knew that we would probably meet once the award became known but never imagined you would show up at the ceremony. When you took me in your arms and started to dance it was like Prom night all over again only this time instead of the school watching there was thousands of strangers and friends. And I was so mad at you I could barely see straight. And I was mad at myself. I wanted to hold you and never let you go and I wanted to kick your ass for hurting me so badly. That’s why I ran. But now, after sleeping for the first time in years, after waking up in your arms, after kissing you and talking with you and yes tasting you I know I’ll never be able to give you up. All my talk about surviving without you was just that talk – see you’re right - words mean nothing sometime.” “Justin, I want you. I want to feel you in my arms. I want to make love to you.” “Not here Brian, I want you too. I want you inside me more than you can know, but not here. Let’s go to the new house. I don’t want our first time to have any old ghosts looking over our shoulders or be in bed with us.” “I don’t know if I can wait Baby.” Brian smiled. “But I’ll try. Call a cab while I grab us some clothes for tomorrow.” “We don’t need a cab and we don’t need to bring any clothes.” “Why not” “I’m sure that Peter is downstairs waiting in the limo so that eliminates the need for a cab and if I know Peter he’s had our hotel rooms in New York checked out and our stuff put at the new house.” Brian looked at Justin then got up and walked over to the window and looked down. Sure enough the limo was parked out in front of the building. “I told him I’d call in the morning” Brian said. “Peter looks after me Brian when I’m in New York. He’s a friend and he would never leave me alone with you unless I said it was alright. Also he knew I was coming here this weekend so I’m sure he arranged for my suitcases to go to the house. Getting your things here was not much more trouble.” “I guess you’re looked after pretty good these days.” Brian was thoughtful “Justin, I know your paintings sell well, but the money from the game goes to the Sunshine Foundation. Are you ok with buying this house; I have money and can help with it.” Justin started to giggle. He pulled on his jacket and handed one to Brian. “Come on Brian, we’ll take a ride to my little house. I’ll tell you a story about Rosie and me while we drive over.” Brian followed Justin down the stairs, by passing the elevator. Justin held out his hand and Brian took it, taking comfort from the warm fingers clasped in his. He stood a bit back from Justin as Peter came out to open the rear door of the big car. “Hey Peter, did you meet Brian?” Justin asked. Brian was taken aback when the chauffeur’s eyes filled with tears as he looked at Justin standing on the sidewalk, his hand in Brian’s, his orange tee shirt and grey cargo pants with his blue winter jacket such a contrast to his usual black. But it was his eyes that got to the chauffeur the most. Justin’s eyes were alive with hope and promise and life and love. “Mr. Driemer, yes I met Mr. Kinney.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “No more Mr. Driemer, Peter, I’m me, Justin Taylor, Bk Driemer has left the building.” Justin got into the car. Before Brian could follow he was stopped by the chauffeur. “Thank you for what ever you did to make him come back to us. But if he ever is hurt by you again they way it has been, you’re a dead man. Remember that Mr. Kinney, I don’t mean any disrespect. I’m telling you like it is.” “I wouldn’t expect any less Peter.” This time when Brian climbed in beside Justin he had barely settled in when Justin was snuggled up to him like a puppy. Brian had to kiss him and it was all he could do to break away from the kiss before his body took over and he had Justin right in the back seat of the car. “Hey Peter” Justin called into the intercom. “Can we go to the house now? Did Maria have everything delivered including Gus’s surprise.” “Everything’s set Mr. Taylor. I talked to the housekeeper and she wasn’t too impressed with the surprise but I told her she needed something to do to earn what you pay her.” “Did she like her apartment? I asked her daughter about the colors and things but I want her to know she can change anything she doesn’t like.” “Her apartment is great and she doesn’t want to change a thing. She hired the extra help but they are going to be day staff except for Chef. He took one of the cottages for him and his boyfriend. I had a ramp built for the boyfriend’s wheelchair. Hope that was alright, oh and they have a little dog, did you know that? Gus should like him. His names Waldo because everyone’s always looking for him.” “Thank’s Peter, I knew I could count on you to get everything done. The past couple of weeks have been hectic.” “Mr. Taylor, can I ask you a question?” “Of course Peter.” “Does this mean you’re going to be going out in the daytime now?” Justin looked at Brian who was looking back at him puzzled by the conversation. “Is that what it means Brian?” he asked “Do I have my sunshine back?” “I have my Sunshine back” Brian said “So yes, we will be going out during the day.” “Peter, buy some sunglasses, you’re going to need them.” “I will Mr. Taylor and thank you again Mr. Kinney.” “Justin, how big is this house you’ve bought” Brian asked curious. “Big enough for Gus to sleep over and you to have your own office space. There is a gym, swimming pool, sauna, studio for me, family room, six bedrooms plus ours, living room, reception area, kitchen, dining room, breakfast room, there’s Maria’s apartment and there’s a laundry room, storage rooms, two guest cottages, well three, but Chef appears to be using one, garages and an apartment over the garage for Peter when he’s here and have no idea how many bathrooms and there might even be a couple of rooms I’ve forgotten. It’s pretty big. It was George Schickles place, I bought it off of his estate.” “You bought the Schickle Estate?” Brian was incredulous. “I thought the 60 Minutes show said you give away 94% of your income.” “I do, I don’t need any more money Brian. Remember Rosie, well I was her heir. She left me a couple of bucks and lots of real estate both here and in Canada. Even you the ultimate label queen couldn’t put a dent in my money. So I give away pretty much all that I earn. A person only needs so much money Brian. I have more than I could ever need for my self and my family and friends so why add more to it. I use it for the Sunshine Foundation. Brian was speechless. Just then the car turned in the gates and moved up the long driveway stopping in front of the large covered entrance. Peter jumped out and ran to open Justin’s door. Justin scrambled out turned and held out his hand for Brian. “I told you, if you don’t like it we can get something else. But I think you’ll like it our room has some awesome closet space.” “Our room” thought Brian. But never the less he got out of the car and holding Justin’s hand walked up the steps and through the front doors. A tall well dressed woman approached the two as they came in the door. “Welcome home Mr. Taylor, Mr. Kinney.” “Hi Maria” he looked around “Wow it’s looking good Maria.” Brian looked around as well, he could see Justin in almost all of the furnishings and in a prominent place on the main wall of the large living room off the foyer was a larger than life size painting of two men, their backs to the room holding the hands of a small boy between them. He recognized the river scene they were looking at. It was where he and Justin used to go and sit when life became to too stressful. He walked over and looked closely at the painting. He was wearing his new leather jacket, he’d only bought it last year. “Justin, come here Baby.” Brian said. Justin walked over and stood looking up at the painting with Brian. “Do you like it? I did it a few months ago. I was sitting right at that spot remembering the last time we had stood there together. Do you remember? It was after Gus’s birthday party by a couple of weeks at least and you were having one of your usual angst ridden moments and had walked out of the loft. You were gone for hours before I finally decided to go there a retrieve you. You were a very high maintenance boy friend Brian.” “How did you know about my jacket Justin?” Brian asked he put his arm around Justin. “Did you see me wearing it? Were you in San Diego and I missed you?” “I’ve never been in San Diego Brian. That’s just the way I saw you when I painted the picture. I don’t know why or how. I painted that in my apartment in Vancouver. It actually looks over English Bay not the river.” “Excuse me Mr.Taylor, Mr. Kinney, I’m going to bed now. I put your things away in the master suite Mr. Kinney. And Mr. Taylor, the bath is ready for you. I left you some sandwiches and some fruit for Mr. Kinney.” “Thanks Maria” Justin said “Yes, thanks Maria.” Brian looked at Justin. “What’s with having live in help?” “Well, I wanted a house and it had to be pretty big to have a studio and everything else I wanted. I know you like to work out so I thought a gym would be nice and I wanted a pool. And then there was Gus. I started looking around and Emmett was telling me about this place and how it was sad that once it was sold Maria wouldn’t have a job any more. Her daughter was moving and that’s where she lived so she would be out of a job and a place to live. I remembered it from Lindsey and Mel’s wedding and thought why not. It had enough room for both of us should we ever get back together, enough room for Gus when he visits and Maria gets to keep her job. There was more than enough room to build and apartment for Maria and the ballroom could be the perfect studio.” He twirled around “Ta da it’s ours” “Geeze the payments must be something else.” “Payments?” Justin asked. “You know mortgage payments. Your accountant did mention them didn’t he?” “I don’t have any payments. I paid for it outright. I mean there’s taxes and stuff but the accountant looks after that. It comes out of the interest on my holdings, I haven’t even come close to touching the principal.” “I’d better sit down Sonny Boy, it suddenly dawned on me, you’re financially very well off.” “I told you that already Brian.” Justin was puzzled by Brian’s reaction. “You told me you had some money from Rosie and some Galleries and things.” He looked around “I never dreamed it was as much as all this.” “Well, get used to it Brian. Monday we go and have the papers drawn up making you my partner legally. Half of what I own is yours.” “No way Justin” “Yes, if we are going to be partners, then it’s equal partners or nothing. I don’t want money ever to come between us.” “Justin, you can’t give away what is obviously millions to me” Brian was trying to be reasonable. “Why not Brian, because I’m too young, too stupid, too naive, too what Brian?” Justin was pissed. He dropped Brian’s hand and walked out of the room. “You said it was going to be different. You said we would be partners. Now you’ve changed your mind all of a sudden. Is it because I have all this money? Would you rather have poor little Justin who has to work in a diner to buy a pair of runners from Big Q? Does that make you feel better? Does it make you somehow more dominant the Alpha Male in our relationship? Well fuck you Brian and the horse you rode in on.” Justin ran up the large stair case and down a hall. Brian could hear a door slam. He looked around the lavish home. Then up at the painting that spoke volumes of the love Justin had for him. Was Justin right? Did he hate that Justin no longer needed his support? He looked toward the large front door. If he walked out that door he knew he’d never be let back in. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go through another six years, a lifetime without the man he loved at his side. He’d never been given anything in his life until he met Justin. He’d worked hard for everything he had. He almost laughed, living with Justin and his Drama Princess ways and not strangling him was going to be work. Hard work sometime, so if Justin wants him to share in what he’s acquired well so be it. I guess Monday Justin will be half owner of an advertising firm in San Diego and house there as well. If you can’t beat him, you might as well join him. He turned out the lights behind him as he walked up the stairway. He reached the top of the stairs and looked down the long hallway, now what there were lots of doors, but only one closed one. That had to be the one and of course it was at the end of the hallway. He quietly opened the door. Across the big room lit only by a fire burning in an elaborate fire place was Justin on the floor his back leaning on the bed, his knees pulled up to his chest and his head down. Brian could see that he was crying by the shaking shoulders. He stood there looking at him until finally Justin sensing Brian’s presence raised his head and looked at him with tear filled blue eyes. His face all red and blotchy, his nose running. “You know Justin; I haven’t suddenly acquired a taste for Drama Princess acts, Still the old Brian Kinney in that respect. You have to understand that everything I’ve owned I’ve worked for. I grew up in an Irish working class family, my friends were the same. You know Deb and Vic’s place, you know what I mean. There was no Country Club, no swimming pools in the back yard. Dressing for dinner meant putting a shirt on. My loft, my clothes, my jeep I worked for all of that. When you came along and needed help I gave it to you willingly, I never thought twice about it because I loved you.” Justin gave him a watery smile “Yes I loved you, I didn’t know it or maybe it was I knew it and didn’t admit it, but I loved you and I wanted you to have what ever it took to make you happy that I could provide.” He let his hands drop to his sides almost in defeat. “It’s hard for someone like me to accept easily what you so easily can give. It’s hard to accept your love, because I’ve never been loved before, I never loved myself even. And it’s hard to accept money and property and everything else that you might want to give me.” He held out his arms “This is a stupid conversation, come here, we’re partners, we’ll take a trip to the lawyers on Monday if that’s what you want. I’ll even buy you a ring and we can have a ridiculously romantic ceremony if it’ll make you smile for me.” Justin stood up then ran into Brian’s arms. “I’m sorry I was such a bitch Brian.” He said. “Can you just keep the dramatics down to maybe once or twice a week instead of daily, or better yet maybe once a month?” He kissed the top of Justin’s head. “I’m getting older and can’t stand the stress of wondering when Peter is going to run me over in the car when he sees your tears.” The muffled giggle from Justin told him that everything was fine again. “Brian, did you really mean it about getting me a ring?” “Actually, I already bought you one, Sunshine. I bought it more than six years ago. The night you left, I was going to tell you I was coming home. Coming home to you and our future, you’ve lost so much weight it probably doesn’t fit.” “You bought me a ring?” he looked up at Brian indignant then hit him on the chest. “You shit, you loved me then and didn’t tell me, just let me sit and spin on that damn phone night after night.” Brian wrapped his arms tightly around the trembling blonde. “You’ve had your Drama Princess moment for the night Sunshine. We can’t change the past. But the future is ours. He felt Justin relax into him. “You are a very aggravating man Brian Kinney” Justin said. “I hope we survive the next few weeks together while we find out what’s been happening for the past six years.” “It’ll help if you use tissue for your nose instead of my shirts.” Brian teased. “Clothes off Sunshine its bath time for you and then I want to make mad passionate love to you in OUR new bed.” “Wait till you see the tub Brian, we can share.” “Your mommy would be so proud of her boy, always willing to share.” Brian kissed Justin’s red nose.